All the ponies in this town are CRAZY!-Derpin in Equestria

>Day Derpin it in Equestria
>After making a deal with Celestia to never tell the ponies the truth about Earth and it's sordid past, you were made a full citizen and granted a stipend to live off of.
>This has given you plenty of time to help out all of your brand new friends.
>Working in the orchards, taking care of animals, helping Twilight research, anything that gains you the trust of the ponies
>Today was one of your favorite jobs, babysitting Dinky Hooves
>Her Mom Derpy worked hard to support them, and you loved giving a helping hand, err, hoof
>Helping her with her homework, going on picnics in the park, playing Cowponies and Buffalos, and generally watching out for her while her Mom had to work those long nights
>Often you would help Derpy by giving her wings a massage after a long day’s work
>Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash loved when you did that for them.
>You try to not to hurt them, but when they moan they tell you not to stop
>Derpy was grateful, giving you muffins, often insisting you stay the night
>Such a nice pony
>Almost as kind as Fluttershy, who insisted you live with her so you didn't have to buy a house.
>She feed you, bought you drinks and made sure you came home safely, even offered to wash your back
>She actually insisted a couple times, good thing ponies are always naked
>You would hate to embarrass her
>The little pony always blushed while she cleaned you.
>Thoroughly
>Speaking of which
"Alright Dinky, bath time and then into bed. You have school tomorrow, and you can’t go with tree sap in your mane."
>"Already?"
>She looks up from her crayons with pleading eyes
>HGGGGGGNNNNNNNNNN
"Ye.ye.yes."
>Heart rate returning to-OHCOMEONNOT AGAIN
>You collapse on the floor and die
>Bad End
>Wait that's not what happened at all
>Instead you run her a bubble bath, because bubbles are awesome
>30 minutes later you ask the bubble bearded pony who looked suspiciously like Dinky if she was ready to get out
>After helping vanquish the sea monsters you towel her off with a super fluffy towel and tuck her into her bed
>"Can I have a story? Pleaaaaase?"
>Consarn these ponies they drive me to dawww
>You read her from the latest "My Little Human" book
>Supposed to be for little colts, but that shit is awesome
>You stop reading as you hear her little snores, putting the bookmark in to continue next time
>You bend down to give her a good night kiss as she turns in her sleep
"Good night Dinky"
>"Gdnppmhaddy"
>Adorable, but after fixing her favorite meal of hay and flowers you haven't had any real food for hours
>Time to put on that Viking helmet and raid the fridge
"Flowers, muffins, hay, muffins, carrots, muffins, oatmeal, muffins, aphrodisiac, muffins
>Wait
>Oatmeal? Derpy you crazy
>Grabbing a muffin you fix a meal for when Derpy finally gets off
>You heard her talking to Carrot the other day about how she hadn't gotten off in a long time
>Poor thing works too long
>After a lovely plate of muffins you light a few candles to ward of grues
>You also spread some of the rose petals from her fridge on the table to make the room smell nicer
>Begin cleaning up Dinky's toys
>See she has drawn a picture of the three of you holding hands under a rainbow
“That child is trying to kill me with cuteness. I know it.”
>Not much later Derpy comes home exhausted, but smiles when she sees you at the candle lit dinner
>"For me? You sly human."
>She looks at you, or tries to, with her eyes half lidded
>Poor thing must be exhausted, can't keep her eyes open
>You listen as she talks about her day
>"And then Bon Bon started singing and I was caught in the dance number. Almost didn't finish my deliveries on time. But coming home to you and Dinky makes it all worth it"
>She places her hoof over your hand nuzzles against you
>She hugs you and runs her hoof across your back and ass
>Must be a pony thing, every other mare seems to do that too
>You pick her up and start carrying her to her bed
>"Anon? What are you-?"
"Let's get you into bed Derpy. Can't let my favorite pony down."
>She squees as you lay her down on the satin sheets, pulling you down onto them and whispering into your ear
>"Let's get you into something more comfortable."
>So tired she can't even speak loudly.
>She begins taking your clothes off with her teeth, swishing her tail over your newly naked body
>"Wait right here studmuffin"
>She walks into her bathroom and you watch that bubble butt sway from side to side
>Derpy easily has the nicest ass in Equestria
>Honestly, her coworker Jack is the nicest Donkey you ever met
>Instead of coming back with a bathrobe like you thought when she said something more comfortable
>She's wearing a set of black lace lingerie designed by Rarity
>She flies onto your lap and starts rubbing her hoof in circles on your chest
>"You're such a kind po-erson, and you've been so good to us. Why don't I give you a reward?"
>She wraps her hoofs around your head
>"You're going to be a great dad."
>Hold on.
>Processing
>She might be coming onto you.
>At that you think back to the greatest advice your Great Uncle ever gave you
>"If you beat her up you can get the money back!"
>Oh Gruncle, why you acking so cray-cray
>Okay, second best advice
>"Kid, never stick it in the crazy. Or a garbage disposal. But of the two, never choose the crazy."
>So...
>Crazy eyes staring at you?
>Yeah, but she's Derpy Hooves
>Talking about you being a Daddy
>Kinda weird....but still....
>Bowl of oatmea-OSNAP
>Run out of there so fast Kenyans say DAMN
>Running naked through Ponyville, random mares wolf-whistling at you
"How do they do that with hooves?"
>Run faster when you hear Derpy calling out behind you
>"Come back! I just want to give you my love muffin! I just don't know what went wrong!"
>Suspect lovemuffin isn't a real muffin
[spoiler]It's her vagina[/spoiler]
>Need to get somewhere safe while this blows over
"Fluttershy! I hope she doesn't mind I'm nude."