This is not the real you

Don't worry, you were "always" right.

When close friends gossip, fib, start spreading rumors and tell you that you are obsessing; You have a problem; Go get help because it isn't healthy. You do it because you start to question yourself. You start to think if you really are having problems. I ended up thinking to myself, do I have problems?

I went to talk to a psychiatrist, I told him everything that had gone on for two years. He heard all the great times we had. All the shitty times we started going through at the end of our relationship.

It haunted my mind that I could love someone who would prefer to listen to the advice of people that have so many problems themselves. That it was obvious that some had their own personal agendas when it came to you and I. That their problems and advice is detrimental to your personal emotions. That they aren't at all qualified to give advice based on their problems. You cannot sit there and tell me they don't have problems.

I gained a clear perspective about who it was that I truly cared for. I was also admonished heavily for having acted the way that I did. That from going to these sessions the doctor clearly knew it wasn't who I actually am. That my acting out cannot be excused, but that it is understood why those emotions were displayed in the manner that they were.

I told the doctor everything that was on my mind from the people we chatted with, to those we have encountered in the last two years. I told him all the stupid shit that I did. I didn't hold anything back because I knew that it would not help me to do so.

The doctor clearly laid it out for me, and I thought you should think about it as well. There is no gain from listening to people that are on their phones 24/7 tweeting non-sense. Trolling people, insulting people. None of which is in a comical way. You were always the person that thought that it was beyond asinine that people would act the way they do on there. These people CLEARLY have problems. All of them. Taking the advice from the girls in retrospect was an honest mistake. I should never have taken the advice that they were giving. It was my fault.

You apologize for all that has happened. Yet you see nothing wrong with what you did either. The girls will make you believe you did nothing wrong and all the guys will tell you and probably HAVE that you did nothing wrong. That is not true according to the doc. I'm tired of thinking about this or placing blame. You want to think that I caused all of this? That I am the one that is solely responsible for everything that has happened? That was the entire point of everything that has happened and you know what? That is what I will let you believe. I am tired of these assholes on there. I don't even bother to get on that shit anymore. There is clearly a problem with all those people that are on there. I cannot stress enough how much the doctor thought so as well after logging on and reading the timelines of these people. That includes all the people we interact with.

You still want to believe that I am the bad guy? That I'm so bad for you that you don't want it in your life? That is up to you. Jealousy is not an unhealthy emotion to show. Anger is not an unhealthy emotion to show. It shows that one cares for the other person's well-being. And you knew very well how much I actually cared for you. I believe that I showed you how much every single day. Yeah, I didn't show it the last couple of months, but you are most wrong to believe that I didn't care about you. It is not my fault that you cannot see this. And I will not stand there though and see these people ruin your personality and your way of TRULY being. Because that is all I see and what the doctor sees.

You tell me you are scared of me. Scared of what? I still have yet to ever act out. I have never once lifted my hand or ever raise my voice at you. You clearly do not see what these people make you think or believe. It sucks for the person who truly cares about you. But you are more enamored in keeping these people as your friends even though they are detrimental to your well-being.

This is not the real you...

It bothers me very much that you are so hurt because that is what the doctor said you were feeling. That email didn't shout out, I am fine. It did show me that you were clearly hurting. That you were clearly upset and angry. I did try to apologize to you in that longer letter. I do give you credit for having brought me up and through my hardest moments because you did.

But in the end, you are absolutely and unequivocally wrong about me ever wanting to cause you harm. You should NOT be afraid of me. That was one thing I know I would never ever do to you. Cause you harm. You matter that much to me. You need to get that out of your mind. Because you yourself are causing your own fears and the influence that others have on you are unfounded and are not helping you at all.