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- You're going camping. About damn time really.
- Dash, Jack Apples and Flutters decided to invite you on their little expedition.
- Not sure why they invited you.
- Flutters is using it as an opportunity to visit her animal friends.
- Which seems to be everything in this forest, something that made the trip much longer.
- As she stopped to say hello to everything with a pulse.
- Dash and Applejack will no doubt be competing over who's the toughest and best at roughing it in the woods, 5 miles from town.
- You've come because manliness levels were low. Cave Anon must make fire, kill mammoth, smash rock!
- Again, forest five miles from town is hardly the roughest terrain but you'll make the best of it.
- Maybe you were signalling a need to make fire and wear a loincloth. Ponies are weird when it comes to picking up on things.
- They can be completely oblivious sometimes and very incisive when you least expect it.
- Your thoughts are interrupted by Rainbow "Is this the place?"
- "Oh yes, Mr Hummingbird said the sunrise is lovely to watch from here."
- Taking in the clearing, now that your paying attention, does reveal a nice view of the forest.
- You're on the exposed side of hilltop where the trees are more spread out.
- There's probably some survival rule about exposed hilltops but you can't remember it.
- More importantly it doesn't matter, this is a camping trip. Not a fucking survival scenario.
- "Ok y'all lets get set up before dark."
- Dash and Applejack start setting up their tent. And almost immediately begin arguing.
- The usual tent arguments, seating poles and hold that end.
- Sometimes you think world peace could have been achieved by banning tents, christmas lights and monopoly.
- Fluttershy meanwhile, with the help of some woodland creatures, is making progress setting up the tent you'll be sharing.
- Well it's really two tents put next to each other, to accommodate your lengthy frame.
- You'd help her but her little woodland friends seem to have rendered you obsolete.
- What to do? Can't just stand around like a melon...
- Ah, firepit. It's helpful and a suitably manly task to boot.
- Getting down on your knees, because it's a tiny pony shovel, you stab at the dirt.
- Breaching the turf and getting into the rhythm you start humming a tune.
- "Brothers of the mine rejoice! Swing, swing, swing with me
- Raise your pick and raise your voice! Sing, sing, sing with me
- Down and down into the deep. Who knows what we'll find beneath?
- Diamonds, rubies, gold and more. Hidden in the mountain store"
- Hacking into the dirt with more ferocity, you sing louder. Dirt and small rocks flying everywhere.
- "I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole
- Diggy diggy hole, diggy diggy hole
- I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole
- Diggy diggy hole, digging a hole"
- It's then that you notice the unnatural silence, aside from your bad singing.
- Pausing, you look up to find three ponies staring at you.
- "Anon, what in tarnation was that?"
- "Oh, just a digging song. You know, whistle while you work and all that."
- Flutters pipes up "Is it a human song?"
- "I suppose so."
- "Human songs are weird."
- Applejack baps Dash with her hat. "Rainbow!"
- "What? It sounded like a rockslide in a volcano!"
- Not sure if that's a compliment or an insult. You often forget how important songs are to ponies.
- Fluttershy smiles up at you. "Anon, could you sing us another human song? If you don't mind that is."
- Damn, now they're really putting you on the spot.
- Let's see, song, song, song. Something that you can remember all the words to.
- Well that maybe sets the bar too high, there's not many songs you can remember in their entirety.
- Climbing to you feet and clearing your throat, you begin.
- "In The Year Of The Wolf, all the world smelled good.
- In the snow and the ice, all the rest was blood.
- In the time of the tribe, we took a thousand lives.
- When I ran with the wolves, and the hunting was good."
- (Anon sings Motorhead - Year of the Wolf. I ain't typing it all out.)
- Coming out of the memories of beer stained bars and headbanging you see three ponies staring up at you with unsettled expressions.
- Dash breaks the silent staring "Anon, did you really live with timberwovles?"
- Eh?
- "No! Don't be silly."
- Applejack starts giving you the stinkeye "Why would go lying about it then?"
- "Lying? What do you mean lying? It's just a song."
- "But you said you lived with wolves but you didn't. Those are lies Anon."
- "They are not. It's a song, a story told with music."
- Rainbow nudges the scrunching applepony with a hoof
- "Told ya human songs were weird."
- Thank you Rainbow, sort of, you think.
- You feel a hoof rubbing your back.
- "Well I'm glad you didn't have live with Timberwolves. It was a scary story though."
- "Great idea Fluttershy, time for scary stories round the campfire."
- Seems Dash has decided the next activity.
- "And when he opened the door, there was nothing there! WooOoooOOoo!"
- "Fluttershy, Angel discovering you're out of carrots isn't scary."
- "It was kind of scary..."
- "The market is like a five minute trot away."
- Fluttershy doesn't really do campfire horror. And apparently Dash agrees.
- Though to be fair, Dash didn't do much better with her 'Trainer helps rookie get on the wonderbolt team, only he turns out to be the ghost of a dead wonderbolt.'
- How cliche can one story get?
- Hopefully Applejack can bring up the standard.
- So you wait and listen as she goes on about this old mare.
- Hoping and assuming it's going to be some sort of witch or hanzel and gretal scenario.
- ---------------
- "Whose got my rusty horse shoe?"
- Fluttershy is hiding behind her mane and Dash is a little wide eyed.
- And you? You're wondering if they're fucking kidding.
- It's story about an old mare who has lost her fucking shoes.
- Fluttershy's was better than that.
- Unfortunately the internal ranting is brought to a close by three sets of eyes fixed on you.
- "Oh, my turn then."
- "I'd like to see ya outscare that partner."
- Oh Applejack if only you knew.
- You could outscare that and still stay soundly PG-13
- Actually that might be a good idea, last thing you need is Luna on your ass for causing nightmares.
- Ok, here we go.
- "Once there was a peaceful town, near a river."
- "One day the town merchants travelled to the city, to sell their wares."
- "But the nightwatch saw a strange thing that night, all the merchants who had left the day before were found unconscious at the edge of town."
- "The last thing they remembered was approaching the bridge over the river then nothing."
- "A brave knight declared there to be evil afoot, and set off to investigate."
- "He too was found that night, out cold on the edge of town with no memory of what happened."
- The tension is ramping up, Dash and Apple are leaning in. Fluttershy is covering her eyes.
- "The captain of the town guard went next, with three brave men. But the same thing happened."
- "The townsfolk were terrified, some curse was preventing them from leaving."
- "Then the town innkeeper stood up and said he would go."
- "If the townsfolk weren't so terrified they might have mocked the fat old man, but they let him go all the same."
- "The innkeeper strode up to the bridge, huge footfalls shook the ground and out of the mist emerged..."
- "EEEP!"
- Oh joy, you've made fluttershy faint.
- "Well, damn."
- Applejack hops off her log seat. "I'll put in her in her tent. It's time to turn in anyway."
- "Yeah I guess you're right."
- Standing up you start putting out the fire.
- "Wait! What happened next?"
- You smile maniacally at Dash.
- "I'll tell you tomorrow night."
- She lets out an annoyed whine. "Alright but it better be good."
- ------------
- Climbing into the tent is turning into a bit of an issue.
- It's long enough sure. Two pony tents lengthways solved that one.
- But it's not quite broad enough to give you room to manoeuvre
- "Anon?"
- "Oh, sorry for waking you Shy. Just trying to get comfortable."
- "That's alright. Let me help."
- A bit of shuffling and turning and eventually you're comfortable.
- Though you're one arm movement away from spooning Flutters. You can feel the heat from her body
- Let's keep this platonic Anon.
- "Anon. How did the story end?"
- "You sure you wanna know."
- There's a brief but noticeable silence before she answers. "Yes."
- "Ok then. Out of the mist emerged... A troll!"
- "The troll-"
- "Anon. What's a troll?"
- Damn you didn't think of that when you started telling this, they don't have trolls here.
- "Imagine me, if I was the size of your cottage. Then I had a child with a boulder. That's a troll."
- "Oh....."
- "Anyway, the troll emerged from the mist. Fist raised to strike the innkeeper down. When the innkeeper pulled out a bottle of cider."
- You nearly said vodka there. Another thing ponies don't have.
- "Instantly the troll froze. "Thank there stars, I haven't had a drink in weeks" said the troll. The End."
- Her face lights up.
- "So he made friends with the troll?"
- "You could say that."
- "That's nice. Goodnight Anon."
- "Night Flutters."
- You awake to the smell of sweat, still waiting for your body to adapt to the warmer climate of Equestria.
- Pretty much the only time it gets cold is when the Weather Squad starts chucking snow around.
- How do these fluffy fucking ponies stand it. Do they even have the capacity to sweat?
- A sudden thought hits you, looking over at Fluttershy's sleeping form.
- You begin to lean forward, eyes fixed on her face, listening for any sign of waking.
- Your nose finally reaching the joint where her foreleg reaches her shoulder, you pause for a moment before inhaling.
- You can't fucking believe it.
- It smells like fucking flowers, god, fucks sake.
- Flopping back into your blanket you contemplate that pony sweat smells of flowers and yours smells of... of smelly human.
- In comparison to ponies you must seem like some horrid smelly orc. Lumbering about town.
- "Hey Anon! Fluttershy! Time for breakfast!"
- Fluttershy begins to stir, while you yell back "In a minute Dash!"
- -------------------
- Everyone's gone their separate ways for the day.
- Applejack and Rainbow went running, training for some kind of autumn marathon thing.
- Fluttershy went off to talk to her animal friends.
- And you, you're staring at a rock.
- In the perhaps very vain hope that it will reveal it's secrets.
- Unlikely, one you're not a geologist. And two this isn't earth, so even if you were it wouldn't help, probably.
- Again you're not a geologist or a xeno-geologist either.
- It'd be a bit shit if you fell at the first hurdle, you came on this trip to do manly things.
- Build a shelter, build a fire. Come to think of it survival-ism is mostly about building.
- Pondering the problem for a moment, you decide to channel your inner Neanderthal.
- And smash two rocks together until one of them breaks open.
- --------------------
- Returning to camp you find Anon sitting next to the fire, running a knife along a thin branch.
- Next to him is a pile of branches, all shaped and- Why is there a pointy rock tied to each of them?
- Are they meant to be spears?
- As you open your mouth to ask Anon about them, Applejack cuts across you.
- "Anon, what in tarnation are these?"
- "Cool, you're back. They're spears you silly pony."
- Oh, so they are spears. You hope Anon isn't planning to hurt anypony.
- "Erm, why are you making spears Anon?"
- "Cause it's the kinda thing my ancestors would do around a fire, thousands of years ago"
- Rainbow meanwhile has got her hooves in Anon's spear pile.
- "These are pretty terrible spears, it's a just a rock tied to a stick."
- Anon's eyebrows move and his forehead skin creases up, you're pretty sure that's the human equivalent of scrunching your snoozle.
- "Well I'm sure my ancestors would have done a better job than me. They'd hunt creatures the size of house with these."
- Anon starts telling stories of the creatures his ancestors hunted.
- You try to not listen, some of the creatures sound really frightening.
- After he's done everyone lapses into silence for a minute before Anon breaks it again.
- "Hey why aren't the crusaders here, do little fillies not go camping or what?"
- "We done offered to take them, but they're too busy in training for the Sisterhooves Social."
- "The what now?"
- "It's a sort of family day for siblings with races, food and all that good stuff."
- "Tell me more."
- ------A few days later------
- You're back in your home, with your flint spears arranged around your stone fireplace.
- It's a majestic display.
- Couple of deer heads mounted on the wall and you'd have the manliest fireplace in all the land.
- Except you know that wouldn't go down well.
- Tolerant as the Ponyville community is of human foibles you're not gonna push any limits that might exist.
- Plus you enjoy the community, especially the festivals and holidays.
- Which brings you to your next problem, the Sisterhooves Social.
- Applejack told you it's not strictly a sisters only thing, but you don't have a brother either.
- And you'd really like to take part and all.
- Oh sure you could do the other stuff they put on by yourself, but you want the full experience.
- Staring into the fireplace, stroking your beard and swirling the glass of apple juice in your hand as if it was high grade whiskey, you ponder your course of action.
- Only one thing for it really
- "I need to find a little brother."
- But how to go about it without being creepy....
- -----Later at Twilight's place-----
- "Twilight I have a question for you"
- The purple pony looks up at you with hopeful eyes, this one loves knowledge too much.
- "I'll be happy to answer Anon."
- "Theoretically, say I wanted to go to sisterhooves social."
- Twilight giggles
- "Well anypony can go Anon it's not exclusive."
- "I wasn't finished, say I wanted to compete in the race."
- "Well you'd need a sister."
- "Which I don't have, so how would I go about acquiring one if that was the case."
- Several emotions pass over her face, shock, horror, confusion and finally realisation.
- "I suppose you could ask for volunteers, there's nothing in the rules about being blood relation but then maybe..."
- Oh god she said the R word. Well now you've lost her for the next hour.
- Maybe if you go get lunch, she'll be done by the time you get back.
- -----After lunch------
- Well Twilight eventually ended her lecture. And the prime suggestion reached was ask for a volunteer.
- Swear that pony brings new meaning to exhaustion of possibilities.
- Where to get said volunteer is left to you.
- Can't ask the crusaders, already taken. Spike was a possibility.
- He's roughly humanoid and does the whole 'has fingers' deal.
- But you can't ask him, for one he's practically Twilights brother and sort of her butler too.
- If she decides to compete, it'll be with Spike.
- Which leaves you only one choice. The option you really didn't want to take.
- But somehow knew you'd have to take.
- "Good Afternoon Anon. I'm afraid you'll have to wait for Nightmare Night if you want to tell any more human stories."
- You snort derisively which causes Cheerilee to giggle.
- Not your fault ponies can't handle a bit of orc slaying in their stories.
- "Nothing so traumatic. I'm... I'm kind of... I need to..."
- This is part that made you not want to do this.
- How do you tell a teacher that you need to borrow one of their kids for a community event next week.
- More importantly how do you do it without sounding like an utter creep.
- Cheerilee looks up at you curiously.
- "What is it Anon? You sound more nervous than Big Mac was on our first date."
- Fuck it, just level with her. Deep breath.
- "Ok. Do you know the Sisterhooves Social?"
- "Yes?"
- "Well I don't have a brother or sister and I was wondering if one of your class could be my brother or sister for the day."
- Cheerilee stares at you in silence.
- Hmm, so this is what screaming internally feels like.
- You don't like it.
- "That is an odd request but I don't see why not."
- Wait, what? That sounded like a yes.
- "Oh. I didn't think you would say yes."
- She cocks her head like a confused dog.
- "Why wouldn't I?"
- "Nevermind."
- -------The Next Day-------
- "Now class, as you can see we have a special visitor today."
- Special visitor. Not helping with feeling weird, Cheerilee
- "Who has heard of the Sisterhooves Social."
- All of them raise their hooves but your mind is not on terribly cute scene unfolding before you.
- It's wrestling with issue of maintaining a poker face while screaming internally.
- "Our visitor today is Anon, some of you may have met him before."
- The crusaders start grinning and nodding.
- "Unfortunately Anon is the only one of his kind in Equestria."
- Here it comes...
- "But he'd like to fully experience the Sisterhooves Social, so he was hoping one of you would be his little sister or brother for the day."
- This sets of a wave of excited chattering between the fillies and foals.
- As for you it feels like a huge weight of your shoulders.
- It's done and out in the open. It's all good.
- "Don't forget to ask your parents permission if you want to volunteer!"
- At least until the parents find out. Fuck.
- -------The Next Morning at Ponyville Market, Anon's Wood-daver stall------
- "Anon!"
- "Oh hey Cheerilee."
- Wait, what?
- "Shouldn't you be at the school?"
- "I still have little time before the day begins."
- You'd say the day began when Princess Alarm Clock decided to make the sun shine bright enough to penetrate curtains.
- "Two of my little ponies have volunteered to go to the Social with you."
- "Great!"
- Is two a good number? Should you have expected more or less?
- "If you're free, you can meet them after school."
- "Yeah, I'll be there."
- "Then I'll see you later. Remember, you've only got one day left before the Social!"
- ------That Afternoon--------
- "Anon, this is Rumble and Cotton Cloudy."
- You wave in greeting.
- Cloudy, the filly, looks up at you with wide eyes. Probably never seen your weird biology this close before.
- Rumble seems a bit less awed but then you've met him before.
- "Unfortunately their siblings had to do extra duty with the weather patrol and can't take them to the social."
- Why would Rumble and Thunderlane go to the social...
- Duh! Stupid question, there's probably food and games that aren't part of the sisters competition.
- Not that you were planning on letting possession of a penis stop you from competing.
- "Well I guess we'd better go think of some ideas for our routine."
- Rumble looks up at you with curious eyes.
- "You're going to be in the competition?"
- "Well yeah I had planned to."
- It's Cloudy's turn to pipe up.
- "But it's kind of for sisters..."
- "Oh I'm sure I can convince the judges to make an exception for me. Now who wants to go to Sugarcube Corner?"
- Tiny pony cheers greet your ears.
- ------At the Sisterhooves Social------
- So here you are. Not as nervous as you thought you'd be, considering you had an afternoon of prep.
- Rainbow and Scootaloo have been in 'training' for weeks.
- Only hurdle you have to cross is signing up.
- With a sister you met for the first time yesterday.
- Who isn't related to you at all.
- And you have aren't a sister.
- "Yoohoo! Applebloom! They approved us as a pair!"
- Hmm, may not be a hurdle after all.
- Big Mac just signed up, guess they aren't picky about the sister thing after all.
- Why he's wearing the dress though. Maybe there's a comedy event at some point.
- You turn to Rumble and Cloudy "Come on guys, let's go sign up."
- Walking up to the now busted table. "Hi I'd like to sign up."
- Strange looks fly around you like shrapnel.
- The rather severe looking mare, who reminds you of Mrs Harshwinny, responds first.
- "Mr Anon..."
- "Please, Mr Anon is my fathers name."
- Yes. Yes! YES! You've always wanted to pull that one.
- "Mr Anon, you don't need to sign up for the social."
- "But you do for the competition."
- More strange looks fly around like pick-up trucks in a tornado.
- "The competition is for those ponies or... other creatures, who share a special bond in the-"
- You saw this one coming yesterday and you can feel the threat of sad little pony eyes boring into your back.
- Holding up a hand you interrupt Harshwinny's cousin and turn round.
- "Rumble, Cloudy. Take these bits and go get some cotton candy or something."
- They barely get out a thanks before shooting off like Road Runner.
- Now this is the part where you'd imagined yourself leaning over the table in an intimidating manner.
- But Big Mac broke the table, so you settle for just standing there.
- "Ok. I know you have rules and things but their siblings had to pull weather patrol. So about you make an exception and don't disappoint two nice, little ponies."
- Or disappoint one nice-ish, large Anon.
- The three judges, are they judges? Look back and forth between each other.
- "Very well. We will make an exception. Please sign here."
- Wunderbar.
- -------------------------------------------
- After marvelling once again at the ability of ponies to inhale sugary things, it's time for the first contest.
- It's you and Cloudy in some kind of jump rope competition.
- You're not sure what to do, you used one of these once when you were seven but that's it.
- Is it whoever jumps the most? Highest? Really should have asked someone.
- You also can't shake the feeling that something isn't right.
- *thwap*
- Ah, there it is.
- *thwap*
- Should have seen this coming.
- *thwap*
- You're too tall, they can't swing the rope high enough to clear your head
- *thwap*
- It's just hitting you in the shoulder.
- *thwap*
- "Ok, I think we've discovered this isn't working. You can stop now."
- Suitably chastened the two stallions stop swinging the rope around.
- "Sorry Cloudy, I guess ropes and me don't mix."
- "It's ok. There's still lots of events left."
- --------------------------------------------
- "So. Pie eating contest. Rumble you wanna take this one?"
- He looks up at you confused.
- "Can I?"
- "Yeah sure. Judges let us sign up remember."
- Also they never asked about your 'little sister' and you weren't going to inform them.
- But you're not about to tell a kid about that kind of deviousness.
- And somehow they both pulled a Road Runner again while you were inner monologuing.
- Rumble is already seated at the table and Cloudy grinning from the sidelines.
- Taking your seat next to Rumble you reflect on the fact that this is your first eating contest.
- "GO!"
- Instantly every pony plunges face first into their pie.
- The spectacle is so bizarre you freeze up.
- Cloudy's shouts of encouragement snap you back into reality and you're left wondering how to eat a pie quickly.
- Hmm, a pie is kind of like a tortilla, maybe if you fold it like a taco... twice the pie in each bite. Genius!
- As you consume the apple taco you notice Granny Smith out of the corner of your eye. Glaring.
- Glaring like you've committed some kind of pie heresy.
- Not to self, never ask that your pie be well done around Granny Smith.
- --------------------------------------------
- "Ready Cloudy?"
- "Yep."
- "1,2,3. F is for friends who do stuff together."
- "U is you and me."
- "N is for anywhere and anytime and at all."
- Yeah spongebob. You lack a pony's natural talent for musical and lyrical improvisation.
- And more than that, it was the only thematically appropriate song you could remember all the words to.
- "F is for fruit pie, sharing together."
- "U is unity."
- "N is no frowning, having fun and frolicking."
- You may have had to sanitize it too. Cut out the parts about burning down the town and nuclear weapons.
- Funny that. The friendliest song you could remember involves mass destruction and arson.
- --------------------------------------------
- "Rumble, Cloudy. I've got some bad news."
- Sitting down in the dirt, the little ponies gather round.
- "What's wrong?"
- "Well, we won't be racing. Apparently the first group of runners made a mess of the course."
- More than a mess, the thing was wrecked.
- Broken chicken coup, hay and grapes everywhere.
- Looked like a scarecrow has got drunk on wine and trashed the farm.
- "Sorry guys, I know you were looking forward to it."
- You brace for sad little ponies, trying to steel yourself against it.
- But it doesn't happen, instead you find Rumble and Cloudy hugging you.
- "It's ok Anon, we had a great day."
- "You can be our brother."
- "Or sister."
- "Anytime."
- "Anytime."
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