IT guy

be first day
> woman asks me if I can install the latest version of adobe reader
> fuck ya I got this
> DL like a boss
> "Wow you're like a computer expert"
> "Well you know..."
> Asked to input admin credentials
> forget admin credentials
> try admin:password
> nope.jpg
> "uhhhh... uhhhh... oh crap somethings going on with the server.. be right back"
> 3 months later she still doesn't have adobe reader

    > be day 2
    > angry guy is on the phone asking me about some weird in house program
    > have no idea what the fuck he's saying
    > there's a pause
    > he's waiting for an answer
    > think back to the IT crowd
    > "Have you tried turning it on and off again"
    > "Like restarting"
    > "Give me a sec..."
    > it fucking worked

    > day 3
    > hot sales rep comes in with laptop issues
    > she's 9/10 cougar
    > all flirty with me
    > tells me she needs something updated
    > can only hear her boobs
    > her laptop smells like straberrys
    > download adobe reader for her and hand it back

    > day 4
    > figure out how to turn off the servers
    > when people start asking for help
    > go into server room
    > turn off servers
    > come out oblivious and start downloading adobe reader
    > eventually people start screaming
    > THE SITES DOWN! THE SITES DOWN!
    > "I'm on it!"
    > run back to the server room
    > play hotline miami in the back for few hours
    > turn server back on near end of day
    > come out of server room
    > wipe brow from face
    > "I did it..."
    > people are singing my praises saying i saved the day
    > really just saved the girlfriend in HM

    > day 5
    > run into cougar at coffee machine
    > ask her how things are going, just a general statement
    > instantly thinks im talking shop
    > starts telling me all the shit wrong with her computer
    > she doesn't see me as a human
    > she sees me as an it
    > tell her to drop off her laptop
    > she does
    > I upgrade her ie
    > download adobe reader
    > restart the machine
    > everythings fucking working
    > run it back to her
    > fix my hair
    > check my breath
    > act like I saved the day
    > she's in her office on the phone
    > she motions to put on her desk
    > I do...kind of linger
    > "Is that everything hun?"
    > leave
    > hear her say "oh it was just IT"
    > just IT
    > that is all I am now

    > day 6
    > really bored
    > decide to download a gameboy emulator and play some pokemon
    > the webfilters blocking it so I turn it off the whole thing I dont just whitelist it, I turn it all off
    > get to emulator site but now I need to turn off the antivirus
    > use the admin which I now know to do it...
    > end up turning off the whole antivirus settings on the server
    > download my emulator and rom
    > play my game
    > guy comes into my office
    > "I think I caught I virus"
    > me "gotta catch em all"
    > by the time I'm facing Misty 4 people have viruses

    > day 7
    > same guy that was yelling at me day 2 is yelling at me
    > he cant remotely log in just as I am about to leave to go home
    > "Try turning it off then on again then call me back"
    > go home

    > day 8
    > guy call from day 7 calls back
    > he's pissed
    > tells me he lost a client because of my stupidity
    > "shit happens man. I lost to team rocket like 10 minute ago"
    > "what the fuck are you talking about?"
    > click

    > day 9
    > one of the printers is out of toner
    > some fat guy tells me to change it
    > "it's a toner man... can't you change it? I'm working on this huge issue with the server"
    > was really downloading steam
    > "it'll take a second... god I have much more important stuff to do... that's why you're here"
    > sigh and go do it
    > can't figure out how to fucking open the fucking cartridge door
    > start hitting it like they do in zoolander
    > tell the poor mentally challenged guy in the mail room I have a special job for him
    > he has to hide the magic egg in the chest of Hewlet Packard
    > go back to my server business
    > half an hour later the fat guy comes into my office
    > "What the fuck did you do to the printer?"
    > "Changed the toner"
    > He just starts shaking his head and muttering shit
    > we walk over to it
    > the mailroom guy jammed the cartridge in the wrong way and actually lodged it in there so half of it is sticking out
    > the door cant even close
    > there's black hand prints all over the printer too
    > Can feel the guy judging me so I just spew bullshit
    > "Looks to be a probably with the network."
    > the printer was down for over a month before I figured out we have a printer guy on call

    > day 10
    > have to set up projector in the boardroom
    > cant find a thunderbolt to hdmi cable to hook it up to lazy to go to the store
    > dont even have a corporate card either
    > tell the people needing the projector that there's a compatibility issue with macbooks
    > they use some guys dellbook
    > the files from the mac end up not running on the dellbook
    > call me in mid meeting
    > all these business people staring at me as I am randomly clicking folders as fast as possible to look like I am pro
    > download adobe reader
    > double click files
    > works
    > "Thanks Anon, you saved me"

    > day 11
    > there's a new hire
    > no one fucking told me anything
    > get screamed at that theres no computer for this new person
    > go in back to see if we have any spares
    > there's a few
    > but there's also some really old pcs from like the early 90's
    > boot it up
    > works
    > set up new person
    > everything lags
    > you open adobe reader? massive fucking lag
    > send out the computer
    > "it's the best we've got on short notice"
    > get like 40 sharepoint tickets the first day from that person
    > he's a real stickler for help
    > he ends up quitting the very next week saying he can't work under these conditions

    > day 12
    > someones computer crashed
    > fuuuuuuuuck
    > set up computer
    > remember something about profiles being saved on the network
    > go back to the server room
    > look at the server rack like a total idiot as I try and figure out in my head how this works
    > tell the guy all his data is lost and there's nothing I can do
    > "b-b-bbut my project... i have to present that to the board on friday..."
    > "gone, man. It's gone"
    > play sim theme park the rest of the day

    > day 13
    > roll up to work an hour late
    > whole office is in chaos
    > fallofrome.jpg
    > "HE'S HERE!"
    > Go in to my office open up mail
    > dozens of emails like:
    > "Hey is there something wrong with the server I can't log in to..."
    > "Any idea why the site is down I..."
    > the server is actually down
    > adobe reader can't save me now
    > "Just go back there and do what you did last time!"
    > everyone thinks its an easy solve
    > literally shaking in the server room because I don't know what to do
    > nap in server room for entire day
    > people are pissed can hear them banging on server door
    > we've missed deadlines
    > leave at 6:30 pm
    > the CFO sees me in the parking lot
    > hes been in a meeting all day doesn't know about my struggles
    > "You're still here?! That's the kind of can-do attitude I like to see"

    > day 14
    > server is still down
    > my dads asking questions
    > everyone is pissed
    > take an early lunch
    > over hear some guys at the restaurant talking about buying a new modem for the office
    > hailmary.jpg
    > "Hey sorry to bother you during your lunch...but would either of you happen to be IT?"
    > before either of them could read me the riot act and tell me something like how the fuck dare I
    > I'm IT too
    > I show them my hand that I scratched up crawling wire on the floor
    > they nod
    > "What would you try doing if your server is completely fucked?"
    > "Have you tried restarting it?"
    > I go back and restart the physical machine
    > it fucking works

    > day 15
    > hot cougar walks by office looking distressed
    > "Everything okay?"
    > "Oh good... I can't log into my email... can you please help me... PLEASE"
    > "I got you."
    > get her laptop
    > re-install microsoft office
    > outlook works again
    > poke through her emails to make sure things are working
    > send a test file
    > read the titles of her latest emails
    > "Divorce"
    > hand back her laptop
    > "Looks like its working now"
    > "Thanks..."
    > "Everything okay?"
    > "Well..."
    > this is fucking it, tell me your sob stories cougar woman and then its on
    > "My mouse is acting a bit funny, can I get a new one"

    > day 16
    > one of the mailroom guy's monitors isn't working
    > it's coming up all green
    > backstory: there's been a huge misappropriation of funds because I gave him dual monitors just because he's a mentally challenged and I figured if anyone needs 2 screens its him
    > all he does is look at msn slideshows
    > and use the fedex webapp or something
    > he's a nice guy so I actually try and fix it for him
    > nothings working
    > think its a driver issue
    > think its a setting issue
    > think its an actual hardware issue
    > whole time people are coming to me with real problems but I keep saying "I'll be there in a minute"
    > after 2 hours the mailroom guy goes
    > "maybe da pug ish boken"
    > I swapped out the hdmi cable with a brand new one
    > it worked
    > I officially am less adept at my job then a poor mentally challenged guy

    > day 17
    > nice old woman who talks to me about sports tells me her keyboard is shit
    > she's oldest person in the office by far
    > old as dirt
    > tell her I have just the thing
    > go in the back and unbox a brand new keyboard meant for the programmers
    > bring it to the old woman
    > "You're such a helpful young man"
    > reach down awkwardly to plug in the new keyboard
    > get back up and dust pants off
    > old lady looks like she's having a heart attack
    > look at the screen
    > it's fucking blank
    > on my way back up to my feet I hit the power button
    > she lost 3 hours of work
    > 3 hours that old woman will never ever see again

    > day 18
    > company meeting
    > we're over budget
    > there has been ridiculous spending
    > "we've lost money for almost a month..."
    > day 18
    > almost a month
    > they are going to out me
    > IT budget comes up in discussion
    > we're one of 2 departments that are coming under budget
    > "Great job Anon. I heard about the server issues here... you're the man"
    > at the end of the meeting a 45 year old events planner asks me if I fix computers on the side
    > "Not really..."
    > "Oh... I have this one blasted thing that needs fixing. You couldn't just come over and fix it?"
    > bullshit
    > for a laugh I say, "yeah it's cool, just give me your address and I'll be over after work"
    > not sure if I'm getting sex
    > buy condoms
    > she's not that hot like a 6/10 tops
    > not even going to lie
    > last call kind of hot
    > arrive at her house
    > ring the door bell while standing all suave leaned up against the door
    > her husband answers the door
    > shows me to the computer
    > install the latest version of adobe reader
    > get $20
    > go home

    > day 19
    > some guy crashes a program so I have to reinput the settings
    > go onto his cubiclemates computer
    > check settings
    > 2 hours later
    > "You wrecked my computer... I want my fucking computer back exactly how it was... I don't know what you did but somethings off...my usb drive is buzzing..."
    > wtf
    > I didn't do shit to your computer. I checked a program you open 20 times a day
    > super pissed so I go back into the server room and play Thomas Was Alone
    > hear knock on server room door
    > it's the cubiclemate
    > "Hey, Thanks for fixing it."
    > "Fixing what?"
    > "The my usb drive"
    > I didn't do shit lol
    > "Oh yeah... don't mention it"

    > day 20
    > spend entire day cleaning the server room up
    > getting it all nice
    > just unplugging network cables willy nilly so I can colour coordinate them
    > people are losing their shit
    > they are randomly getting kicked off
    > tell people there are some issues with our isp
    > I make sure to say I-S-P as I have now learned by speaking in abbreviations no matter how common makes you sound techy
    > by the end of the day the server rack is all classy looking
    > unfortunately I never mapped anything and a handful of people can't connect because their ports aren't connected to anything
    > tell them the I-S-P will have it done ASAP and go home

    > day 21
    > now that the server room is all clean I set up all the test boxes in the back
    > 8 machines in total all connected to the network
    > try joining monitors all together like you see on cool threads, you know like the racing ones?
    > realize these are shit old monitors and you can't do that
    > come up with the great idea of bitcoin mining with these boxes
    > set it up for the first half of the day
    > after lunch I'm mining
    > terribly but I am mining
    > people start complaining about server lag
    > blame the lag on the olympics
    > suggest that the whole office must be streaming it
    > ban the olympics on the web filter
    > office is divided; can see the divide in my email
    > people who are pissed about not being able to watch the olympics
    > and the keeners who think its all work and no play at work
    > I've officially gained power though, people respect me for making this mandate
    > "He's a real company guy"

    > day 22
    > its birthday day
    > office celebrates all the months birthdays
    > take cake
    > set up n64 in the boardroom
    > challenge people in the office to goldeneye
    > keep saying "Hey I'm just taking a 5 minute break for some cake... want a quick game?"
    > own the shit out of all of them
    > realize I did absolutely nothing all day but eat cake and game
    > no one ever noticed

    > day 23
    > cougar calls in from the road
    > she's having trouble accessing a key app for a client on her ipad
    > she tells me its name
    > have no idea what it is
    > but make sure to sound astute
    > ask her if she's using WIFI or 3G
    > "How do I check"
    > "Nevermind let me check from my maincore system"
    > google the app but nothing comes up
    > ask one of the other sales people
    > "oh it's just an infographic on our main site"
    > tell the hot cougar to come into the office because it's going to require me to hardcode the changes in
    > she drives 2 hours to come to the office so I can open up Safari and bookmark it to her ipad homepage

> day 24
> people heard from the 45 year old events planner I do house calls
> bunch of idiots are bringing in their home computers, mobile devices, anything technical for me to fix
> tell people I can only do it after hours and I charge $20 for small stuff and $50 for large.
> most of it is simple fixes
> windows updates or adobe reader installs fix it
> but then I get it
> the laptop from hell
> this fat indian guy hands me his laptop in a plastic bag, not a laptop bag, a plastic one
> "What's wrong with it?"
> "You tell me genius"
> Load it up and it's asking for some system restore or something.
> just hit next and okay
> fixes it but it says I need to load chkdisk?
> figure that has something to do with the cd drive
> open it up
> there's a thick fucking layer of bread crumbs in the tray
> tilted the machine to its side
> motherfucking bread crumbs just pouring out of the laptop
> restart the machine
> it loads perfectly
> turns out the guy was using it as a tray for his morning bagel
> fucking toaster laptops