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Swarzenegger Games

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I'm back.

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And so as Arnold Swarzenegger in "The Expendables 2". I can't wait to see that.

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In the 80-s and 90-s nobody kick this much asses and coin this many catch phrases as he did.

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And now that he is coming back to do a little more acting, I think it's a propriate time

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to look at some NES games based on his movies.

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NES - a console so influential in the side-scrolling acting genre.

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Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars

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and you've match made in Heaven. How could you go wrong?

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I don't know?

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Take this game for example.

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"Total Recall". I remember my first time playing it as a kid.

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It was a friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the videostore

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I rent this game, I took it home, man, I played it

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and it's just fucking pissed me off and ruined my whole goddamn weekend.

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"Total Recall". Total fucking shit!

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The concept is quite simple: You're Arnold trying

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to make your way to the end of the stage

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well defending yourself with the short little stubby punch.

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That's all you get.

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I do like how everybody you punch flies off the screen.

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You know what I hate? You're be running pass an

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alleyway and some random ass had pulls you in.

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Now you gotta fight with this bastard half

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your hight and moonjump all over the place.

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Get back here you fucknut!

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Then there's this a part with this mysterious holes

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with things coming out.

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Now I know what we are all thinking of.

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Gloryholes - allright?

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You going to your apartment where you fight your wife.

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Yeah, remember that scene in the movie with Sharon Stone?

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Man, that was some domestic violence right there.

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You get the gun and finish her off with bullets

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which seem to take no more damage than your fists.

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Next this jackass start shooting in infinite

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stream of bullets that force you to stay down.

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Also he seems immune to gunfire. That doesn't help the situation.

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Hooray! I like what they did here! Good one!

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Well I found out he can't die. You suppose to run through the door.

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If you can gun down your wife fast enough you can

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potentially do it before this cockface shows up.

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Come out and think of it. Just realize you playing an NES game

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where you shoot your wife.

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I can see how that going overwhelm your parents:

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- Hey, son, what are you playing?
- I'm playing Nintendo.

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- Oh that's nice!
- Yeah, I've just shot my wife.

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You know what? This X-Ray stage is awesome!

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And I do appreciate how they've tried to follow the movie.

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With the cerebral plot like "Total Recall" that's not such an easy adaptation to make.

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So many scenes from that movie had left an impression on me since I was a kid.

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It was one of the first Arnold movies I ever seen.

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I remember that alien with three tits and a guy coming out of stomach

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And the eyeballs poping up on the surface of Mars.

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And Arnold trying rip that tracking device out of his nose.

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If you expecting to see any of that in the game

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than you just out of your mind.

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Why are those balls and chains falling in the aisles?

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Why you're beating up on homeless people?

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Why are the dogs hanging on me like a turd stuck to a poodle's ass. Get it off!

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The best part in the game is when you going to a movie theatre

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and watch the movie that the game is based on.

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It's just a creditroll for all the game designers to laugh in your face

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I miss Fred Fuchs.

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Would that be a better game if you just going to the theatre

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and watch the movie instead?

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I've already talked about the terminator games and they suffered the same fey.

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The first "Terminator" had some of the worst controlls in existance.

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The only way to fire the gun is the crouching to this gun mode.

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And jumping around requiers extreme accuracy.

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The second game was a madmadness button musher

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where enemies takes a thousand punches.

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And there are platforms you can't jump on

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like some kind of prank.

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I'm still holding out for that awesome 8-bit Swazennegger game.

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Next I'm gonna try "Last Action Hero".

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Cause they can't all be bad.

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Right?

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They uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie

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but they look like garbage!

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The contrast is so intense, you can't even tell who you looking at.

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What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back?

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Oh, it's the top of some guys head.

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Tamn, they look like the NES just vomiting all over you TV screen.

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How do they look this bad?

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I know this is only an 8-bit but I've seen much better.

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Even in "Total Recall" Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him.

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Hell, even the E.T. game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T.

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on the title screen at least but

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God, I can't talk about that game.

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Anyway back to "Last Action Hero". The ingame graphics are even worst.

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Who is that? Is that suppose to be Arnold Swarzennegger?

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It looks nothing like him!

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It's looked way better in "Total Recall". Not a perfect resemblance

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but for 8-bit it's a hell of a lot better than this shit.

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I wish I could say more about the gameplay, but there's nothing to say.

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You run around and beat people up. Thats it.

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There is nothing wrong with simplicity if it's done well

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but this ain't a "Double Dragon", this is bottom of the barrel button mashing trash.

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The hit detection is lousy and there is zero strategy.

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When you come up to an enemy you just have to tap buttons and pray for the best.

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It's almost impossible to kill someone without taking some damage yourself.

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And if you don't move fast enough another enemy respawn to this place emmediately.

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So you have to keep moving. Dont even stop.

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It's better to run through somebody and take a hit

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rather then put up in fight and take several hits.

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Look at these guys! They keep coming!

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Who ever programmed this game, you can go eat a ball of fuck!

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I think it was made by ass-holiens from the planet ass.

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You know what else I hate?  When you pause the game the music doesn't stop.

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Seems trivial but that's really a pet peeve of mind.

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I'm really starting appreciate the "Total Recall" game.

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At least it had more variety!

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Sure, the stages look different and it's nice that they all

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come from the movie and not from the some lunatics imagination.

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They even included the Hamlet dream scene.

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But that's not real variety. It's just a changing look of

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design and non of the way the game is actually played.

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End of story. "Last Action Hero" sucks a dick.

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This is not going well at all.

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We got a find a good Swarzennegger game or else

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this is gonna be a great stain on the pages of gaming history.

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Oh, "<i>Conihan</i>"?

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Or "Conan". Whichever you perfer.

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This one I don't know how they could fuck up.

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Oh, thats how. Make it look like shit

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and give it the most inexcusable god awful controlls the gaming technology could allow.

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I can't even explain how broken the controls feel.

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All I can say is it's bad as in "Dark Castle" bad.

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You don't have any idea.

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You looking at it but you haven't expirience unless you pick up a controller yourself.

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Trust me you dont want to.

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This will make you so angry you gonna want a punch a syberian tiger in fucking balls.

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One another basics - check this out.

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"A" and "B" both attack.

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That's fine, but to jump you press "Up".

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That's pretty shitty already but thats not all.

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What do you think happens when you press "Down"?

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Take a guess.

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You think duck? Hehehe, no.

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It jumps.

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You press "Down" to jump!

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Whoever came out with that idea is a real cocksucker.

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Sucks cock.

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Who presses "Down" to jump?

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"Down" should be for ducking and this is not an ordinary jump either.

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It's a forward jump.

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Anyone with common sence with do this by pressing "Up" and "Right",

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but not in this game. You can't even attack while you in mid air.

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To pick up a weapon you have to press "Down" and "A".

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But you can't press them both at the same time. You

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have to hit "A" slightly before you press "Down".

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Or else "Down" makes you jump forward.

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I can't held but press "Down" by accident because of my natural instincts.

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It wouldn't be so bad if "Down" didn't make you jump

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away from the weapon which is the complete opposite

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to what you trying to do.

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The hit detection is even worse than "Last Action Hero".

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It only hits if there's close to you as possible.

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You dont get much range when you trying to stab a skeleton in the dick with the sword.

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It is if the sword is going throught them. Maybe the sword is imaginary

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and you only hitting them with your fists? I dont know.

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Within five minutes or less you come to a dead end.

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A boss that you can't kill. Great.

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Using the sword doesn't work becouse you can't get close enough without instantly dying.

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The fireballs will be great theoretically because it's projectile weapon

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But there's not a feasible spot to throw them.

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You can't throw them while jumping and if you stand still you to low to hit the boss.

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Imagine having bought this game for $50 and getting stuck in the first 5 minutes.

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Thanks to the Internet I was able to find that

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you suppose to kill the boss with the pitchfork.

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You get the pitchfork from a devil.

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A devil that only appears if you get the sword and cut down

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a hanging skeleton which I assume was there for decoration.

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Fuck you and your cryptic bullshit.

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In true "Dragons Lair" fashion the first stage is a mindfuck.

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The devil is't so easy to kill either.

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It keeps teleporting all over the place and the rest of the enemies keeps respawning

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so you end up wasting all your energy trying to keep this fuckers off your back.

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You know whats really annoying? The following stages are more straightforward.

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Why put the cryptic stage in the beggining?

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To prevent kids from being able to play the rest of the game?

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Who do wanna play it anyway?

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I rather have a sasquatch sit it's ass on my face and shoot diarea down my throut.

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I'm dead fucking serious!

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Why a shit loud of fuck. What were they thinking?

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You know the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really suppose

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be based on the "Conan the Barbarian" movie.

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Just a character. So it is not really a Swarzennegger game.

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And I just wasted my fucking time.

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On other hand I played "Commando". Has nothing to do with the Swarzennegger movie

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but at least the game is good.

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It's hard as shit but it's a hundred times more playable than any this other disasters.

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Alright. One last game.

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One last chance for the Swarzennegger NES library for redeem itself.

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"Predator".

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How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator.

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You look at the cover and think: "Yeaah. This game's gonna be awesome.

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This is a really man's game.

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This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur

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like me!"

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Is he wearing pink?

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Why they put him in pink? Did they see the movie?

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He doesn't wear pink in the movie.

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That's not an appropriate army color.

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I don't know. Maybe he is in pink to stand out from the doll graphics.

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The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom.

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This game sucks so bad that the enemy soldiers commit suicide.

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In addition to the enemy soldiers you must also face scorpions

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what you can stand on and they take you for a ride.

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But only the green scorpions.

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What? You thought you can ride on a red scorpion. Were you, crazy?

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Wow! They sure follow the movie pretty closely.

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You know the plot: a special forces team lead by Allan "Dutch" Schaefer

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dressed inhot pink going a mission rescues hostages in Central America

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They are hunted by a piranha balloons, plants that spit fireballs, Lolos (or Shy guys)

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chickens with skull masks, giant bacteria, metroids and birds that crap blood.

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Now I know two NES games with birds that crap blood. Other beeing "Day Dreaming Davey".

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What about the predator? Well, yeah. Just about every stage boss is a predator.

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You kill more predators in this game than the predator kills people in the movie.

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If thats all you do is hunt down predators than the

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predators is'n aint really a predator. It's prey.

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It does even look familiar?

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He looks just like the ninja turtle in the first turtles game.

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Anyway he is the easiest boss in the history of gaming.

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Go over here and just keep attacking him.

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He will never come and hit you. Not once.

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Keep doing that and thats it.

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Did they even test this shity game before they released that?

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This is another one of these games where the music doesn't stop when you pause.

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Even worse. If you press any button while paused other than "Start"

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you will self-destruct.

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This can be handy if you find youself stuck somewhere due to faulty game designers.

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Like here I'm stuck in the damn rocks.

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So rather than working out the bugs they decide to include the suicide button.

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This is dangerous because whenever the game paused

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you have to be careful not to push the wrong button.

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Dont pauses then ??   ??them body ?? accidentally toches the "A" or "B" button

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00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:46,700
and kills all your last life less faster than you can say "Oops".

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00:14:46,980 --> 00:14:49,580
Another major inconvinience is that everytime you

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00:14:49,581 --> 00:14:51,920
die you have to make sure to pick "Continue".

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If you pick start your game is forever lost and

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you have to go all the way back to the begginng.

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00:14:58,759 --> 00:15:03,350
And sooner or later when you keep playing this long enough you gonna make a mistake.

245
00:15:03,509 --> 00:15:07,259
It doesn't help that they put the cursor on start by default.

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00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:11,030
And you can't select it by using the D-pad. You have to use the "Select" button which is

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right next to the "Start" button increasing your risc to fucking in up.

248
00:15:15,490 --> 00:15:18,180
That is some sadistic bullshit.

249
00:15:19,059 --> 00:15:21,692
You can't duck and punch and that just great because

250
00:15:21,693 --> 00:15:23,829
most of the enemies are down on the ground.

251
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,759
You can get a gun. It's immediately at the start of the game,

252
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but it's easy to miss because it's in the top of the tree.

253
00:15:30,110 --> 00:15:34,779
It's called MitGun or "MC-GUN" like "MC Hammer", but this is "MC-GUN".

254
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Then here some horse shit. When you finish the level

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the gun is gone so you can't keep it from one stage to the next.

256
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Once you have the gun you better not walking to a fist or else you go back to punching.

257
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:49,086
Of course the game has to be an obnoxious as possible

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by putting the fists in areas to hard to get around.

259
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Oh, no, no, no, no, no!.

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Good.

261
00:15:56,659 --> 00:15:59,870
The grenade is a kind of weapon you do not want to get.

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But they're necessary in breaking through obstructed paths.

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If you don't calculate this bomb blast perfectly

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you end up building in your own death trap.

265
00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:12,750
Look, I just created a hole if I fall down there I die

266
00:16:12,929 --> 00:16:16,159
But I need to blow away that one last piece

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00:16:16,429 --> 00:16:19,469
and I can go forward. It makes this more difficult cause you can't be near the grenade

268
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when it explodes because it hurts you.

269
00:16:21,429 --> 00:16:22,889
Come on, come on, come on!

270
00:16:29,059 --> 00:16:29,759
No!

271
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:34,750
This game blows ass. Sucks duck cunt fucking shit munching bunch pile of

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poop.

273
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:41,070
This stages are designed with no rumor reason.

274
00:16:41,070 --> 00:16:43,420
Doesn't it look like I can go through this door.

275
00:16:43,889 --> 00:16:47,389
Well, I can't. This house is just part of the background.

276
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:50,100
You can never tell whats background and whats not.

277
00:16:50,299 --> 00:16:54,209
Right here I can fall through the grass just because it's a darker green.

278
00:16:54,269 --> 00:16:58,019
Could does they just make it black like the background so it actually looks like a hole.

279
00:16:58,289 --> 00:17:01,500
There is no clear indication what you can step on and what you can't.

280
00:17:01,590 --> 00:17:02,940
Gotta get away fron the greade.

281
00:17:03,379 --> 00:17:04,039
Fuck!

282
00:17:04,299 --> 00:17:06,491
I didn't know I could go through this platform.

283
00:17:07,369 --> 00:17:10,209
You kidding me. You can fall through the walls?

284
00:17:10,210 --> 00:17:13,640
That's like if you can fall through the staircase in your own house.

285
00:17:15,259 --> 00:17:17,019
Look! The bird got stuck.

286
00:17:17,019 --> 00:17:20,410
This game is so messed up even the enemies can't play it.

287
00:17:20,910 --> 00:17:23,759
The layouts to this stages make no sence.

288
00:17:23,759 --> 00:17:27,809
There is a laser gun. I can't get it becouse this rocks around it.

289
00:17:27,809 --> 00:17:29,409
So I need the grenades first.

290
00:17:29,410 --> 00:17:32,120
But the grenades is all the way near the final door.

291
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,577
So why would I backtrack to get a gun when

292
00:17:34,578 --> 00:17:36,930
I lose is after I go through the door anyway.

293
00:17:39,589 --> 00:17:41,250
Fucking grenades.

294
00:17:41,529 --> 00:17:45,220
All you can do is keeps throwing them and hoping to they stick to the rocks.

295
00:17:51,910 --> 00:17:54,070
Come on, come on, you piece of shit.

296
00:18:04,369 --> 00:18:05,789
Uh-h. Finally!

297
00:18:16,869 --> 00:18:18,199
You gotta be kidding me.

298
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,234
All was sudden and it looks like I playing the

299
00:18:20,235 --> 00:18:22,039
completely different game. Arnold is much bigger now

300
00:18:22,289 --> 00:18:27,839
and would you beieve? They call the section of the game "BIG MODE".

301
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:29,029
How creative.

302
00:18:29,849 --> 00:18:31,490
So now he's wearing green?
303
00:18:31,970 --> 00:18:36,420
Oh, maybe because pink wouldn't stand out as much from the purple background.

304
00:18:36,890 --> 00:18:39,150
As if this game has standards of such

305
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,799
Watch out for the bubbles! How could bubbles kill you?

306
00:18:42,799 --> 00:18:47,799
Maybe when you so masculine, little sissy things like bubbles become your kryptonite.

307
00:18:48,259 --> 00:18:51,150
And guess what. You can't pause during "BIG MODE".

308
00:18:51,349 --> 00:18:53,899
If you can pause in the rest of the game why not now?

309
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:57,230
Did a completely different person programmed this part?

310
00:18:57,509 --> 00:19:01,559
What is the need for platforms if you can jump a highest as top of the screen.

311
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:03,990
Why you always moving even when you crouching?

312
00:19:04,289 --> 00:19:06,480
Why do you shoot little Atari Pilots?

313
00:19:06,769 --> 00:19:10,650
You can upgrade the gun with this powerups that appear when you shoot things

314
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,940
but they hard to get because they go right. And once they're

315
00:19:12,940 --> 00:19:15,990
off the screen they're out of existance.

316
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:19,849
This forces you to wait for projectiles that comes close as possible

317
00:19:19,849 --> 00:19:23,949
so get the powerups don't let appear them on the right of the screen and end up loosing them.

318
00:19:24,369 --> 00:19:26,869
Why they go right when ewerything else goes left?

319
00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:31,719
And in the end of "BIG MODE" you fight a predator. Then the game goes back to normal.

320
00:19:32,059 --> 00:19:35,204
Every five levels or so you have to play another "BIG MODE"

321
00:19:35,205 --> 00:19:38,289
each with the different color background. Yeah!

322
00:19:38,839 --> 00:19:40,919
Jumping blocks is always fun.

323
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,700
Every muscle in your body tenses when you jump.

324
00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:53,890
I dont want to overshoot it, I dont want to overshoot it! I'm just trying to be carefull.

325
00:19:56,619 --> 00:19:59,389
Ahhh. Oh, no! I gotta bomb all this shit

326
00:19:59,789 --> 00:20:02,289
and avoid projectiles at the same time?

327
00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:05,179
This is some intense shit.

328
00:20:05,690 --> 00:20:07,220
Come on. Almost there!

329
00:20:09,529 --> 00:20:10,639
Almost there!

330
00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:12,420
Come on!

331
00:20:16,230 --> 00:20:19,069
Fuck! Allright. Come on, come on, come on!

332
00:20:21,869 --> 00:20:23,349
Oops, I hit "Start"?

333
00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:25,449
I hit "Start"?

334
00:20:26,289 --> 00:20:28,319
I gotta go away back to the beginning?

335
00:20:32,519 --> 00:20:33,410
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

336
00:20:33,619 --> 00:20:34,619
Shit!

337
00:20:34,619 --> 00:20:37,489
FUCK! DAMN! ASS!

338
00:20:37,890 --> 00:20:42,940
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

339
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:48,200
Thats it! I'm see red! I'm gonna beat this fucker right now!

340
00:20:56,650 --> 00:21:00,390
I could take a chainsaw to a fucking babies neck right now!

341
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:02,710
I could kick a baby pony!

342
00:21:04,309 --> 00:21:06,149
Get out of my way! I'm gotta fuck you up!

343
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,640
Fucking game! I gonna fucking kill you!

344
00:21:11,839 --> 00:21:14,009
Your mother, your father, your uncle, your uncle!

345
00:21:17,259 --> 00:21:21,411
Yeah, yeah! I'm at the final boss and, and it's a big predator

346
00:21:21,412 --> 00:21:25,059
head that looks like Casey Jones from the "Ninja Turtles".

347
00:21:26,250 --> 00:21:28,829
Come on! Fuckfuckfuckfuck, shit!

348
00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:31,635
Shit the bed, come on!

349
00:21:32,099 --> 00:21:35,639
If you don't stop shooting me, I'm gonna fucking kill you!

350
00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:39,299
It's not playing around. I'm not fucking around here!

351
00:21:40,089 --> 00:21:42,299
I'm not fucking around!

352
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,140
Ooh the mask is off now, now it's serious!

353
00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:51,539
Now it's fucking... fucking fuck time!

354
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:54,710
I gotta fucking win before I have a heartattack.

355
00:21:58,529 --> 00:22:02,440
I did it! I did it! I won! I beat predator!

356
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,079
Oh, man! Ooh, boy.

357
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:13,200
"Congratulations. You have survived."

358
00:22:16,569 --> 00:22:17,599
Barely.

339
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:23,000
English subtitles by Navin. Corrections by Pushisa