one more for the road

It's been a couple days since my last entry. I did talk to her like I said I was gonna do. I started with the stupid nagging voice... I guess it was less of a talk, more of an 'I started to talk but it turned into an emotional breakdown very quickly' deal. But... I think she understood. And honestly nothing could make me happier than knowing she does. It's something I should have done from the start, to be honest. It would have spared us the hurt.

I know I was hurting her by saying those things as much as I was hurting myself for letting them force their way out of me. I never meant any of it, I swear I didn't. But it happened, and it happened where she could hear it, and... well you can't just go insulting what someone is, like that. I'm gonna try extra hard not to let that shit out now that I've told her. I'm gonna show her that I never meant that stupid bullshit.

I'm just... so glad that she understood. I've cried myself to sleep over this stuff, a lot as it happens. I didn't want to lose her like that and I know I would have if I kept it to myself any longer. I would've lost myself with her. Without her I don't really even have anyone else. That pack? Maybe. But I barely even know them. I don't think I would count them.

Anyway...  I finally brought up the... whatchamacallit. The weird blood thing. She seemed a little surprised. She said she thought I didn't want to be immortal. And I don't. But I think that's the big key here. I still won't be. If I'm really sick of things, I can still jump off a bridge. There aren't like... conditions attached, things like only being able to die from heroic sacrifices or something like that. I can still die if I really want to. I guess that's what I meant all along. I don't want it to be 'forever', I want it to be 'until further notice'.

I tried to explain that as best I could, too. You know, how I said I didn't want her to have to see me get old and fade away. I told her, now she won't have to see that. I'll be there until the minute we both decide we're done fucking shit up, and that's a promise. And I do mean the both of us. No matter how bad it gets, I'm gonna stick around until she's tired of doing this thing, and no sooner.

All in all I was surprised at just how quickly she agreed. I'll be honest, I thought there was gonna be some kind of argument or heated debate or 'I'll have to think about it a while' or something. But she just... said she'd do it. But I guess she does know how this stuff works more than I do. I was scared it was gonna hurt or something... I don't know a whole hell of a lot about these things beyond what I read in the books and the notes leading up to this. They didn't say much on whether it'd be painful or not. But I guess a lot of the time it seems to not matter.

So we did it.

Let me tell you something, blood doesn't exactly go down very smooth. Guess it'll become an acquired taste. It wasn't terrible-tasting, you know, you taste it every time you have a nosebleed, it's not really a hell of a lot different. But it's also got that same kinda stickiness and doesn't sit well in your stomach the same way. I dunno how they do it, but I guess that's just how things do. I'll get used to it eventually. I hope she's alright. That was a kind of nasty-looking cut she had to do.

As for me, I don't really feel a hell of a lot different... I dunno what I really expected, though. I haven't noticed any super-strength or weird powers, but I'm not really gonna be going out of my way for that anyway. It's gonna take a long-ass time to know whether or not it worked, so until then, or until I can lift a car or some shit, I'm just gonna assume it did. There sure doesn't seem to be any awful side-effects, which is just as well by me.

They say it's supposed to have some pretty addicting potential, I think I mentioned in my last entry. I guess the temptation is kinda there, yeah. Doesn't matter, though. They say the same kinda things about werewolf blood, the vampires do, so maybe this is just that coming back around. It's like a weird ouroboros of blood shenanigans. I'm gonna try not to let it get out of control. Moderation, that's the key. I already know I'm going to be on it indefinitely, and I know I'm gonna have to look that problem in the eyes eventually. But if she can hold off at least a little, so can I. I believe in us. I'm not gonna let this become a 'don't do drugs' commercial. That train has sailed, anyway, I say as I look at the dimebag on the counter.

But I think most of all, that stupid dumb nagging voice... it isn't nagging as much, since we did it. It's quieted down, at least when she's around. It's more of a mumble... kind of an angry, spiteful mumble. Every time she's nearby I hear it in the back of my head, telling me I told you so... what did you tell me, not to trust my only sister? To burn my bridges, to join up with people I don't even know, and tried to get me to attack when she used her powers? You sure did tell me so, you shitty little ass goblin. Guess what! You can't ride my brain anymore!

If I were to guess I suppose it's some instinct bullshit. Avoiding danger, yadda yadda, not getting sucked dry, blah de blah. What the fuck ever. I'll tell you what it is. It's a problem, at least to me. The thought does cross me, though, that I might be weird and wrong for this. Could be the voice's death throes. But ain't no one weirder than us two, so suck on it.

I've only done it once, but I don't feel any... different toward her. But it's like I said before, hard to get closer than I like to think we are... with the exception of that shitty little voice I guess. That caused some shit. Still have no idea what to expect when I hit number 3. Tell you what though, there's not really anyone I trust more to handle whatever's gonna happen when that hits than her. Right now, I'm mostly really thankful that the voice is quieted down.

It's nice to not compulsively shoot barbs at her any time she does something cool. I don't know if it's just the placebo effect or if it's actually done something to my mind to quiet it, but... I like the silence in my head. For once since this shit started, I can think my own thoughts around her. Hell, I don't know if they're my own thought just thanks to this bond bullshit, but it's better than that voice. I'd rather be thinking overly friendly thoughts, when it gets to that point, than horrible murder thoughts.

It's still way early, but, so far so good I guess.