MY DAY WITH SPONGEBOB

FADE IN:

EXT. SPONGEBOB’S APARTMENT BUILDING — DAY

The film opens inside SPONGEBOB’S APARTMENT BUILDING. Even though ”inside” implies an interior, this is in fact an L.A. Motel-esque apartment building, and the first floor where Spongebob’s apartment is located on the first floor. We see three doors (apartments). From RIGHT to LEFT:

— The first door is painted silver and its walls are painted orange. Two round  windows are located at different heights. Some green ornaments hang above the door from the ceiling. This is SPONGEBOB’S APARTMENT.
— The second door is wood colored and its walls are painted regularly (dark, but not black). A mask resembling an Easter Island head is mounted on the door. This is SQUIDWARD’S APARTMENT.
— The third door and its walls are worn down and without paint. Maybe there was some in the past, but there sure isn’t any left. This is PATRICK’S APARTMENT.

After a few seconds a cat walks into frame. It has an odd color scheme: a baby-blue body with sand colored paws. On its back it has a large pink spot with a red curl and smaller purple spots. The cat is called GARY. Gary walks up to Spongebob’s door and starts meowing. He then begins to scratch up the door while meowing more intensely. Some seconds later a man opens the door. He is wearing a white blouse, a red tie, brown jean shorts, a black belt, white (color striped) socks, and a pair of Clarks. His skin is yellow and has a few black spots. Some older people might mistake him for the Marsupilami, but we all know it’s SPONGEBOB.

SPONGEBOB:
Jesus Christ, Gary. I fed you just fifteen minutes ago!

Gary keeps meowing.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D):
What? You want to go inside or something?

Gary walks through Spongebob’s leg and enters the apartment. He then quickly turns around and leaves again.
SPONGEBOB (CONT’D):
Please tell me you didn’t find a cookie
in someone’s back pocket again.

Gary walks out of frame.



SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
(to himself)
Yeah, I thought so. Asshole.

Spongebob looks at his out-of-frame cat for a few more seconds. He then attempts to go inside again and close his door. Before he can finish, however, the door to PATRICK’S APARTMENT opens and PATRICK steps out. He’s a male, about the same age as Spongebob. He’s quite chubby (if not fat), bald, his skin has a reddish pinkish hue (ostensibly through sunburn), and is wearing nothing but green and purple flower swimming trunks. Spongebob notices him and quickly steps out of his apartment again.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D):
Patrick!

Patrick notices Spongebob too. They walk up to each other and come to a stand still in front of SQUIDWARD’S APARTMENT.


PATRICK:
Spongebob! Good morning!

Spongebob is slightly taken aback.

SPONGEBOB:
It’s four ‘o clock.

PATRICK:
Then why is it so light outside?

SPONGEBOB:
In the afternoon.

Patrick looks puzzled.

PATRICK:
Ah.

Spongebob wants to speak, but he is interrupted by the door to SQUIDWARD’S APARTMENT opening and SQUIDWARD stepping outside. Squidward is skinny, tall man with a bald head and a big nose. He is wearing a pink male ballet outfit. He looks angry.

SQUIDWARD:
Oh shut up you idiots! I need silence!

Spongebob turns to Squidward and smiles.

SPONGEBOB:
Long time no see, old friend.

Squidward stares at Spongebob for a few seconds. He needs to get himself and his rage together.

SQUIDWARD:
You. Why are you living in this dump again?
Something wrong with the Hollywood Hills?

SPONGEBOB:
I’m out of money, Jack.

SQUIDWARD:
You sold us out. You made some stupid kids show
with me and everyone else you knew and you
turned your back on us. I inspired material
that made you a star and a millionaire and
you never talked to me again.

SPONGEBOB:
I’m not a millionaire anymore, don’t worry.
 And I never really thought you liked talking to me.

SQUIDWARD:
You could have told someone in Hollywood about me. I’m a performer. A musician and dancer. An artist. You could’ve helped me. Everybody who wasn’t such a piece of shit like you would’ve helped me out. They would have seen that they should’ve helped me. That would have been right. But you’re Spongebob Fancypants and you dropped me like a brick. And my name’s not Jack.

Spongebob looks at Squidward in slight confusion for a few seconds.

SPONGEBOB:
I know that, Squidward. But, be honest, would you have liked being some guy whose only remarkable quality is that he proves that nepotism is alive and well? I did not help you out, because I knew you would get there by yourself. I knew you deserved that. And I’m all out of money, honey. Nickelodeon fucked me over too.
SQUIDWARD:
I hate you so much, Spongebob.

SPONGEBOB:
What the fuck are you wearing?

SQUIDWARD:
I hate you so—

SPONGEBOB:
What the fuck are you wearing?

Squidward looks at his clothes.

SQUIDWARD:
My dancing outfit.

SPONGEBOB:
See! You’re still working. You’re gonna make it. Remember, girls line up for real artists, not fake nepotism fucks.

SQUIDWARD:
Fuck you, Spongebob. And fuck you, Patrick.

Squidward retreats back into his apartment and slams the door shut.


PATRICK:
I don’t think he’s into chicks.

Spongebob smiles.

PATRICK (CONT’D):
I was gonna buy some weed. Wanna come?

SPONGEBOB:
That’s probably not a good idea.

CUT TO:
INT. PATRICK’S CAR — DAY

PATRICK and SPONGEBOB are sitting inside PATRICK’S CAR, driving through Los Angeles. Patrick is driving.

PATRICK:
The only time you ever did what was
 a good idea is when you pitched your show.

Spongebob stays silent for a few seconds and then violently shakes his head.

SPONGEBOB:
No, man. No. No. I got fucked over.
I’ve got no money. I have nothing to do with the new
episodes and that animated little fuck doesn’t
look anything like me so I get no money. No money at all.
I spent everything.

PATRICK:
So you’re not paying for the pot?

SPONGEBOB:
Fuck no.

PATRICK:
Oh shit, man. I don’t think I
brought enough cash with me.

SPONGEBOB:
I may have a buck or two or whatever.

PATRICK:
Nice.

SPONGEBOB:
That show left me nothing but
 annoying fans on the street.

PATRICK:
At least you made a good show.

SPONGEBOB:
I don’t know. I never liked it much.

PATRICK:
(surprised)
Fuck! Really? It’s one of those shows
everybody loves. Everbody!

SPONGEBOB:
Well, you’ve got to realize I never pitched
it as a kids show. I just wanted to make a
series about my weird life as told by, well,
moi.

PATRICK:
Who’s Mwah?

SPONGEBOB:
For fuck’s sake, Patrick.

PATRICK:
I don’t know much about voice actors.

Spongebob looks at Patrick in confusion. He decides to let it slide.

SPONGEBOB:
The pitch somehow ended up with Nickelodeon
and they decided to turn it into some kid’s animation
shit. They promised I would get to do some
more serious and mature episodes later,
 but like I said, they just screwed me over.

Spongebob is visibly getting tense.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D):
Seriously. They even let me write one.
”Oh, we’ll produce it.” Yeah well, fuck them.
I wrote an episode about when I was chased by
a stalker that thought he was me. Real heartfelt
and serious stuff about a traumatizing experience.
Mind you, Patrick, I wrote this by myself.
Not just a pitch. Not a writer’s room.
No, just me. I poured my heart and soul into that
episode and you know what they did?

PATRICK:
What did they do?

Spongebob begins to twitch in anger. He begins screaming.



SPONGEBOB:
(screaming and wildly moving his arms)
They did fucking Doodlebob. Fucking Doodlebob.
They took the worst event in my life and
turned it into motherfucking Doodlebob.

Spongebob accidentally hits Patrick in the face with his left arm. Patrick loses control of the car for a moment. Patrick wildly pulls on the steering wheel to get the car back on the road. The car wildly bumps up for a moment, ostensibly driving over something.

UNSEEN VICTIM (OFF-SCREEN):
(screaming)
My leg!

SPONGEBOB:
(nervous)
Oh shit. Sorry!

PATRICK:
(nervous)
It’s… it’s alright.

SPONGEBOB:
When did you get a car anyway?

PATRICK:
Some time after you became a big star.

SPONGEBOB:
Ah. Cool.

They’re both silent for a brief moment.

PATRICK:
How did the thing with the stalker
end in real life?

Spongebob looks at Patrick in extreme confusion. He seems offended.

SPONGEBOB:
Dude, you were there!

PATRICK:
I don’t remember.

SPONGEBOB:
He threw a fucking bowling ball in your face!

PATRICK:
Well, that may be why I don’t remember it.

Spongebob leans back into his seat and opens the car window.

SPONGEBOB:
I might need to start working
 at The Krab again, man.

PATRICK:
Sheldon is near The Krab.

SPONGEBOB:
Who the fuck is Sheldon? Is he
from that tv show about the
 science guys that says Bazooper?

PATRICK:
Sheldon is my dealer.

SPONGEBOB:
Ah.

Spongebob leans over to the car window and shouts out of it.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D):
(shouting)
Zimbabwe!

The car comes to a stop a few seconds later. Spongebob looks out of the window. He sees a large sign shaped like a clam that says ”THE KRUSTY KRAB”.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D):
Ah man, Do you really need to park it here?

PATRICK:
It’s either here or like a million blocks away.
That’s quite a Wumbo distance to walk.
SPONGEBOB:
Alright, alright.

(CONTINUOUSLY) EXT. THE KRUSTY KRAB — DAY

Spongebob and Patrick get out of the car. A group of kids playing in front of The Krusty Krab recognize him.

KID 1
(screaming)
It’s Spongebob!

The kids come sprinting towards Spongebob.

SPONGEBOB:
(overtly happy)
Hey kids!

Spongebob begins jumping around like a child.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D):
I’m ready! I’m ready!

The kids all cheer. Patrick leads Spongebob and together they cross the road. The kids stay on the side of The Krusty Krab. While crossing, Spongebob does his signature laugh. However, by the time the two men have crossed the street, the laughter has turned quiet and sarcastic.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all.

Spongebob and Patrick reach THE CHUM BUCKET, a large, dark, rundown building across the street from The Krusty Krab.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D):
Why are we at The Cum Suck-it?

PATRICK:
That’s where Sheldon has always lived.

SPONGEBOB:
Sheldon Plankton? He’s a drug dealer?


PATRICK:
How do you think he was able to
 afford rent for all those years?
It’s an expensive neighborhood.

Spongebob and Patrick enter The Chum Bucket.

SPONGEBOB:
Tartar sauce.

CUT TO:
INT. CHUM BUCKET — DAY

SPONGEBOB and PATRICK enter THE CHUM BUCKET. Inside it’s dark and dirty. They come through the rundown dining area and go to the back. There PLANKTON is waiting for them. Plankton is a very short and unattractive man wearing an eyepatch over his right eye. He has just two hairs left on his head. Next to him sits a highly ”realistic” sex doll and a laptop with very (and far too) young anime girls as the desktop image.

PLANKTON:
Patrick! My friend!

Plankton looks at Spongebob:

PLANKTON (CONT’D):
Well who have we here! Mister movie star himself!
My arch nemesis’ greatest weapon.

SPONGEBOB:
If you want me to go, just say it.

Plankton is surprised.

PLANKTON:
Au contraire! Please,
I’m happy to have you here.
How are you?

Plankton opens up a tupperware bowl filled with weed.

SPONGEBOB:
I’m good. I’m good.

Spongebob notices the weird display next to Plankton.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D):
So… so that’s Karen? Man that’s fucked up.
Thank for having me and all,
and respect for what you like,
seriously, I fuck hookers,
but that’s fucked up.

Plankton brushes it of. Patrick takes out his wallet.

PATRICK:
How much for the usual?

PLANKTON:
You haven’t switched over to medicinal yet?

PATRICK:
They don’t have Italian Bull Haze.

PLANKTON:
You mean Alaskan Bull Haze?

PATRICK:
Yeah, that stuff. How much for the usual?

PLANKTON:
Not so fast! First, let’s chat for a bit.

Plankton looks at Spongebob.

PLANKTON (CONT’D):
So, how’s the little brown bitch?

Spongebob is taken aback.

SPONGEBOB:
What? Who?

PLANKTON:
The sexy little brown girl from the south.

SPONGEBOB:
Oh, you mean Sandy? She went
 back to Texas years ago.
PATRICK:
A brown, lesbian, atheist back in Texas.
She’s fucked.

Spongebob chuckles.

SPONGEBOB:
She’s fucked alright. And I don’t
 mean your normal, average, every day kind of fucked.
 I mean, like, advanced fucked.

The three men laugh.