Secret Godstuck

TG: sup mister twister
EB: huh?
TG: okay right over your head duly noted
TG: i saw the news apparently youve been busy
EB: oh god no, please don't talk to me about that
TG: so the massive fucking tornado army running through the midwest isnt you
EB: no!
EB: maybe.
EB: i've no idea!
EB: i feel terrible, like i could have prevented it but i'm just
TG: too comfortable where you are now
EB: exactly!
EB: but then there's the whole feeling of being the weather god and not stopping this
EB: or being the weather god and actually causing this
EB: and there's a lot of awkwardness involved though!
EB: like according to the whole holy book stuff because of this i'm going to hell...
EB: which is especially awkward because i also apparently rule hell.
TG: woah woah
TG: no
TG: you are not the underworld god
EB: i am! i get a ferry and a four-eyed giant cat guarding hell and everything.
TG: okay no
TG: where does it say this in the book
TG: what verse
EB: uhhh... check matthew 12:17?
TG: oh hell no
TG: matthew you fucker
TG: i built him a castle specifically in exchange for getting to be the underworld god
TG: i had that all psyched up in my head
TG: man now i have to go unleash frogs on his descendants or something
TG: hey at least thats intentional not like youre directly giving bill paxton something to run away from
EB: i think i am though!
EB: it wasn't even tornado season, that's why i feel guilty
EB: i go anywhere and the weather follows me like an eager
TG: john i swear to me if you say like a puppy i will go back in time and make the arctic ice shelf announce to the world that you have a tiny dick
EB: jeez, sore spot?
TG: dont even get me started
TG: do you know how much those stupid floppy hats they force toddlers to wear cost
TG: seventeen whole dollars each
TG: thats 102 dollars im down by and that is just god damn unacceptable
EB: you invented the concept of money dave, you're literally the god of wealth.
TG: its the principle of the thing john
TG: they know i have to buy this shit if i ever want to go for a walk or a family picnic
TG: and even then im at the mercy of the ornery posiedonlike wrath called cranky three year olds
TG: like one tantrum or one chased cat
TG: and boom
TG: covers blown pack the bags jade we have to go live on a rock in the british isles and wait for hagrid to come save us
TG: fucking thanks lalondes
TG: i dont get to bring back velociraptors to ride but we get to have plenty of cats roaming the earth ripe to fuck my little suburb slice of heaven up
TG: also domesticated owls
TG: for some reason
EB: karkat likes birds.
TG: look you have it easy john
TG: the only ease i get is that people dont bat an eye if you put your kid on a leash
TG: just watching tons of royal dogs call me robert merivel but i dont build robot suits
EB: it sounds to me like you like being a dad!
TG: damn fucking straight


CG: ROSE.
CG: YOU WILL ANSWER ME ROSE.
TT: Karkat you realize it's four in the morning where I am?
CG: TIME MEANS NOTHING TO ME ROSE.
CG: AT FOUR AM DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIWIS ARE DOING?
TT: They are on the prowl for the blood of heretics
CG: I-
CG: HAVE WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE?
TT: Look Karkat, New Zealand isn't going to sink into the sea anytime soon. What do you want?
CG: THERE HAS BEEN A VIOLATION OF OUR PACT. YOU BROKE THE FUCKING RULES.
TT: Rules?
CG: WE LAID GROUND RULES ROSE.
CG: RULE ONE: YOU DON'T FUCK WITH MY KIWIS.
CG: RULE TWO: YOU DON'T FUCK WITH MY KIWIS.
CG: RULE FUCKING THREE: YOU DO NOT FUCKING FUCK WITH MY FUCKING KIWIS.
CG: AND YOU ALSO KEEP ME OFF ANY OF THOSE QUASI-RELIGIOUS MARKETING BULLSHIT.
CG: I AGREED TO HAVE MY VISAGE ON THE NATIONAL COIN BUT THAT IS FUCKING IT.
TT: Ah, this is a money thing?
CG: IT ABSOLUTELY IS A MONEY THING.
CG: YOU FUCKERS CAN JUST PICK UP AND MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE IF YOU FUCK UP.
CG: BUT I HAVE PEOPLE WHO DEPEND ON ME. MY KINGDOM IS NOTHING WITHOUT ITS KING.
CG: SO WHEN SOME RICH STOCKFUCKING OLD MONEY BASTARD STARTS MARKETING THE ANCIENT MAORI GOD KAKAT TO TOURISTS, GUESS WHAT?
CG: PEOPLE ARE GOING TO COME LOOKING FOR THE KIWI GOD. TRYING TO SNAP PICTURES OF ME OUT SHOPPING LIKE THOSE BRAINDEAD IMBECILES IN NEW JERSEY KEEP TRYING TO SNAP PICTURES OF DOGFOOT OR THE NEW YORK VAMPIRE LADY.
CG: GIVE MY REGARDS TO KANAYA BY THE WAY.
TT: Are you implying that somehow I am responsible for the spotlight being shown on your kingly visage?
CG: I DID NOT PUPATE YESTERDAY LALONDE. THESE WINE-SIPPING ASSHOLES ALWAYS HAVE TIES TO YOUR LITTLE FUCKING PANTHEON.
CG: IT'S ALWAYS SOME ELEVATED DISCIPLE BECAUSE YOU ALL WANT TO LIVE "NORMAL" FUCKING LIVES BUT STILL NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION OR YOUR ASSHOLES CLEANED OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
CG: AND THE TROLLS ARE THE ONES WHO HAVE TO PICK UP THE PIECES BECAUSE YOU HAND SOME FUCK NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES OR A PRESIDENTIAL APPOINTMENT IN EXCHANGE FOR THEM TOSSING YOU A BONE.
CG: WHO WAS IT THIS TIME ROSE? IS MY NEW NEMESIS YOUR HAIRSTYLIST OR THE PERSON WHO CLEANS YOUR FUCKING BATHROOM?
CG: OR DID YOU GIVE THAT ONE A SENATE SEAT?
TT: Karkat I understand your concerns, but New Zealand is not my jurisdiction.
TT: And my hair is naturally this way thank you.
CG: OH EXCUSE ME THEN.
CG: THEN WHO WORKING IN THE DEPARTMENT OF BULLSHIT DO I FILE MY COMPLAINTS TO?
TT: Dirk manages Australia and its surroundings. He said he was used to a world where everything tried to kill you.
CG: APPROPRIATE.
CG: VERY WELL LALONDE, YOU ARE SPARED MY WRATH.
CG: BUT IF I SEE ONE MORE FUCKING OVERWEIGHT KHAKI-SHORT WEARING MOTHERFUCKER ASKING IF I'M THE "CUCKER" YOUR LANDS WILL BE FLOODED WITH ARMIES OF KIWIS.
CG: FLOODED LALONDE. YOU WILL DROWN IN A SEA OF MY MINIONS.
TT: Duly noted your majesty.