welcome to ermine how tough are ya

Narrator: Ah, Vancouver, a luxurious oasis of maple and syrup. [scene cuts to Redmond and Wesley next to a tent]
Wesley: Shee-oot, Redmond. How are we gonna go swimmin' when you're in a shirt and tie?
Redmond: Ah, yes. How foolish of me. [cackles] Allow me to remedy said situation right now. I will just use this changing tent here to change into my bathing suit. [goes into the tent, then pokes his head out] And I won't do anything else. [goes back in]
Wesley: Redmond's actin' jumpier than a rattlesnake in a pickle barrel. Wait... what?
Redmond: [laughs] Oh, I'll be changing, alright, but not into a bathing suit. Wait until Wesley sees that I brought my karate gear! Hi-yah! [puts on his headgear that was in the bag] Hi-yah! [puts on his karate gloves that was in the bag] Wesley won't beat me this time, because I've got the elements on my side. The elements of surprise. Hi-yah! [kicks the bag]
Wesley: Redmond, are you ready?
Redmond: Yes, Wesley, I most certainly am ready! [softly] Ready to get it on. [jumps out of the tent towards Wesley] Hi...
Wesley: Hi-yah! [kicks Redmond in his mouth] Look, Redmond, we both brought our karate gear.
Redmond: [muffled laughter] Great minds think alike, I suppose.
Wesley: Hi-yah! [karate chops him into the air. Redmond crashes into the ground, followed by his pants, socks, and shoes. He stands up with the clothing on his head and feet in some food]
Redmond: I may be down, but I'm not out! [looks down at his feet, which are in some potato salad at a family picnic]
Ariel: {Way to go, buddy. It took us three days to make that potato salad.} [Redmond jumps away] {Three days!}
Redmond: [jumps into an empty area] Hi-yah! Wesley?
Wesley: [his arms come out of the ground and squish Redmond's face then kicks Redmond into the air] Hi-yah!
Redmond: [flies out of the water then back into it. Scene cuts to Wesley talking to an ice cream vendor]
Wesley: Back in Texas, we call ice cream "frozen cow juice". Excuse me for a sec. Hi-yah! [slaps Redmond in the face with his karate glove] Thank you.
Ice Cream Vendor: No, no, thank you.
Wesley: Hi-yah! [slaps Redmond again, sending him into the air and flying into a strong fish that is waiting in line]
Tough Fish #1: [growls] Who threw that piece of paper at me? [Redmond stammers and whistles]
Wesley: Hey, what's everybody waitin' in line for?
Tough Fish #1: Ahoy, fair lad, it be the line to get into Ermine — [points over to an old building] the roughest, toughest sailor club ever to be built under the seven seas. Only the baddest of the bad can get in. You need to have muscles. [flexes his arm] You need to have muscles on your muscles. [flexes, even more, created more muscles on his previous ones] You need to have muscles on your eyeballs! [flexes his eyes, creating muscles]
Redmond: Ew. [a fish is screaming while flying out of the Salty Spitoon]
Wesley: Looks like a rip-snortin' good time, Redmond!
Redmond: Yeah, let's go in.
Takeshi: [lets a fish walk in] Go ahead. [line moves up] Welcome to Ermine. How tough are ya?
Tough Fish #1: How tough am I? How tough am I?! I had a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning!
Takeshi: Yeah, so?
Tough Fish #1: Without any milk.
Takeshi: Uhh, right this way, sorry to keep you waiting. [tough fish walks in. Wesley walks up to Takeshi] Welcome to Ermine. How tough are ya?
Wesley: How tough am I? [rips off one of his tattoos that says "MOM" and puts it upside down back where it was. Takeshi screams in pain when Wesley rips off the tattoo]
Redmond: Wow.
Wesley: Got any more tattoos? [Takeshi covers the upside down tattoo with his arms]
Takeshi: Uhh, that won't be necessary. Go ahead.
Wesley: Thanks. See ya inside, Redmond! [walks in]
Takeshi: How tough are ya?
Redmond: How tough am I? You got a new bottle of ketchup?
Takeshi: Sure. [hands the bottle of ketchup to Redmond]
Redmond: It's on! [strains to open it, but he can't] If I could just run this under some hot water...
Takeshi: Get outta here. This place is too tough for you, little man.
Redmond: Too tough for me? That's downright ridiculous. I'll have you know I stubbed my toe last week while watering my spice garden, and I only cried for twenty minutes.
Takeshi: Listen, kid. I think you'd be more comfortable over at that place. [points to the building across the street]
Redmond: Weenie Hut Jr's? Are you saying I belong in Weenie Hut Jr's?
Takeshi: Uhh. Oh, no, sorry, I was actually pointing at the place next to it. [points to another building]
Redmond: Super Weenie Hut Jr's?
Takeshi: Yeah. Unless you think you're tough enough to fight me. [Scene cuts to Redmond sitting in a seat at Weenie Hut Jr's]
Nerd #1: How's your collection coming along?
Nerd #2: Well, I don't mean to brag, but it's pretty sweet. I'm in the process of acquiring issue 347 which will give me my fourth complete set.
Nerd #1: No...
Redmond: [snorts] What weenies. Oh, brother.
Robot: [robotic voice] Would you care for another diet cola with a lemon twist, weenie?
Redmond: What? But I'm not a weenie! [the robot scans Redmond with one of its scanners]
Robot: I'm sorry, sir, but my sensors indicate that you are indeed a weenie. [computer beeps and shows a picture of a hot dog weenie with the word "YES" below it]
Redmond: That's impossible! [the two nerds look at him. He runs off]
Robot: You can't hide what's inside.
Redmond: [runs over to Takeshi] I demand entrance into your club on the grounds that I am not a weenie! [a strong, orange fish walks up]
Tough Fish #4: Hey, Takeshi, how's it going? [Redmond screams in surprise and he jumps onto Takeshi's arms.]
Takeshi: You were sayin'? [to orange fish] Go ahead, buddy.
Tough Fish #4: Thanks, Takeshi. [walks in]
Redmond: So, your name's Takeshi?
Takeshi: [throws Redmond aside] Would you get outta here?
Redmond: Mark my words, Takeshi. I will get into Ermine! I will! [runs off. Scene cuts to Weenie Hut Jr's]
Nerd #1: Couldn't get in, huh? What you need is a tough hairdo. No one gets into the Big E without a tough hairdo.
Nerd #2: I disagree, I saw a guy going in there and he was bald.
Nerd #1: I saw that guy. He wasn't bald. He had a shaved head. Shaved — that's a hairdo. Case closed. [both fish notice Redmond is gone] Hey, where'd he go?
Robot: I believe he said something about going to the wig store.
Nerd #1: Ha-ha! Check and mate. [Someone who looks like Redmond walks over to Takeshi with a cool, black wig on]
Drifter: What's shakin', my man?
Takeshi: Not much. Say, haven't I seen you before?
Drifter: Doubt it — I'm a drifter — just blew into town. Heard your club was pretty tough, thought I'd check it out.
Takeshi: Nice try, kid. I know it's you.
Drifter: What're you talking about? [Takeshi pulls Drifter's hair, but it is still attached to his head, it's real hair]
Takeshi: Aha! [the hair does not come off. Redmond walks up with a clown wig on]
Redmond: Hey, everybody, what's goin' on? [the Drifter gets angry as Takeshi tries to redo his hair, but can't do it]
Takeshi: Ah, you can go in. Sorry about that. [Drifter angrily walks in] Well, what do you want?
Redmond: I'd like to gain entrance to your social club, please. I believe my hairdo is in order. [Takeshi takes the wig off Redmond's head. Redmond laughs nervously] So, uh, where do you stand on the whole bald vs. shaved debate? [a big, green fish walks up with a tattoo of a seahorse on his right arm]
Tough Fish #5: Hey-ya, Takeshi.
Takeshi: Alright, now it's a party! Oh, yeah, check out the new ink.
Tough Fish #5: Thanks. Hey, look what I can make it do. [moves his arm, which makes the seahorse tattoo wiggle]
Takeshi: [chuckles] Yeah. Hey, what about that one? [big, green fish looks at his left arm that has a Redmond tattoo on it]
Tough Fish #5: Huh, you know, I don't remember getting this one.
Takeshi: Can you make it dance?
Tough Fish #5: Well, here, let me try. [moves his arm. Redmond dances]
Takeshi: Hmmm, wait a minute. [rips Redmond off his arm] Go ahead in. [the tattoo fish walks in, rubbing his left arm]
Tough Fish #5: Yeah, sure, Takeshi. Thanks.
Takeshi: Nice try, little man. [throws Redmond to the back of the line behind two strong fish]
Tough Fish #6: Hey, I was in front of you!
Tough Fish #7: No, you weren't!
Tough Fish #6: You callin' me a liar?
Tough Fish #7: I ain't callin' you for dinner! [two start fighting. Redmond tries to run away, but the fight goes downhill, with him in it. Takeshi walks over]
Takeshi: Hold it, you two! That's enough, you're both plenty tough, go ahead in.
Tough Fish #6: Alright!
Tough Fish #7: Thanks, Takeshi. [both run off as Redmond comes out from under the sand]
Redmond: Hey, what about me? I was in that scrap. [He dusts his clothes using his hands]
Takeshi: [chortles] I saw you runnin'. When you get in a real fight, then we'll talk.
Redmond: Well, then, I guess it's time to take it up a notch. [spins his legs, then his hands, and then cracks his fingers, but they are snapped in half. The scene cuts out to Redmond’s broken fingers. He starts to cry and runs off. Scene cuts to Redmond with his fingers in a bowl of ice cream, whimpering]
Robot: Care for another sundae, weenie?
Redmond: [jumps angrily] I am not a weenie!
Nerd #1: Relax, you're among friends. [raises his drink]
Redmond: My friends don't hang out at Weenie Hut Jr's. [scroll over to Willow in the seat next to him]
Willow: You tell 'em, Redmond! [sips her drink]
Redmond: Willow, what're you doing here?
Willow: I'm always here on Double Weenie Wednesdays.
Nerd #1: Actually, they moved Double Weenie Wednesday to Friday.
Nerd #2: And besides, today's Monday.
Willow: Oh, so it's Mega Weenie Monday?
Nerd #1: Uhh, that's now on Sunday.
Willow: Barnacles!
Nerd #2: Super Weenie Hut Jr's has a Mega Weenie Monday.
Nerd #1: Uhh, no, you're thinking of Monster Weenie Monday.
Redmond: I don't have time for this! I've got to go pick a fight with a muscular stranger! It's the only way of getting into Ermine! [begins to walks out]
Willow: No, Redmond, you can't. It's too dangerous.
Redmond: I've got no choice.
Robot: I have a suggestion. Why not fake a fight?
Willow: Hey, that's not a bad idea! You can call me a couple of bad names, we rumble, next thing you know, you're in Ermine.
Redmond: Well, I guess I've got nothing to lose. Let's do it!
Willow: Yeah! [both run out]
Nerd #1: Hey, how come you never help us out with our problems?
Robot: I am a robot, not a miracle worker. [scene cuts to Redmond walking up to Takeshi]
Redmond: Afternoon, Takeshi.
Takeshi: Whoa, whoa, little man. You still can't go in.
Redmond: Well, that makes me pretty mad.
Takeshi: Oh yeah?
Redmond: Yeah. I might have to beat someone up just to get rid of all this blind fury.
Takeshi: [sarcastically] Wow.
Redmond: Yeah, I feel pretty sorry for the next guy who looks at me funny.
Takeshi: Hmmm... what about that guy? [points to a large muscular fish behind him]
Redmond: [gasps and stammers] I, uh... [laughs] don't be silly. He's not botherin' anybody. I mean, not like... that guy! [points to Willow]
Willow: Who, me? [Redmond walks up to Willow]
Redmond: Yeah, you. Standing there all smiling and whatnot. Somebody oughta teach you some manners!
Willow: Okay, but I must warn you. I happen to be a world championship... uhh... [looks at her hand, which has writing on it] ...kickboxer. [winks and gives a thumbs-up to Redmond]
Redmond: I don't care if you're the demon seed of Davy Jones! You're goin' down, Tubby! [Willow starts to tear up]
Willow: Tubby? [Willow's sadness is quickly replaced by fury and she snarls with rage] Grr! Nobody calls me Tubby! [punches Redmond in the eye, leaving a black mark]
Redmond: Wait, Willow, you're supposed to let me win, remember?
Willow: Oh yeah. [invisible punches flying] No, please wait. [grunting as more invisible punches hit her and an elephant sound is heard when Willow's head is hit. Willow is being thrown into the air and on the ground, then given a wedgie] No, please, have mercy! [Willow is kicked into the background]
Takeshi: Wow! You destroyed that guy without even touchin' him. [Willow is still getting beaten in the background]
Redmond: I did?
Takeshi: I never thought I'd say this, but go ahead in.
Redmond: Really? I can go in? Oh, my gosh, I never thought this moment would come! I, Redmond Fairclough, am tough enough to get into Ermine! This is the happiest day of my life! [walks in as Takeshi smiles. Scene cuts to an ambulance driving down the street with Redmond in bandages and Wesley by his side] Wesley? [groans] What happened?
Wesley: You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube. [ambulance arrives at the hospital. Scene cuts to Wesley wheeling Redmond in front of the doctor]
Doctor: What happened?
Redmond: I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos.
Doctor: Boo-boos, eh? Hmmm... I think you guys want that hospital. [points across the street to Weenie Hut General]
Redmond: Weenie Hut General?