This is probably goodbye.

Summing up Skype & stuff.
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I'm sorry. I'm so, so very sorry. You were that special someone. Let me tell you about my life, you've wanted me to open up well here. I've been depressed since I was 4, and ever since that age I've felt like something was missing. My first serious suicidal thoughts occurred when I was 7. I wrote a suicide note on this doodlemonster I had, but I decided to stay because I wanted to know what was missing, mainly. Fast forward to when I'm about 15, I end up meeting this angelic girl named Natsume.

"I believe everything happens for a reason." I did too, I was the strongest believer of it. When I thought about how I connected with you and such. My adblock just wouldn't work one day, so I said fuck it and out of the thousands and thousands of possible youtube ads I see this one for a prey mantis purple bug guy, turns out to be Kha, and solely because of that I get so involved into League. One day I'm watching pimpnite play pokemon, I decide it'd be fun to wifi battle, but our wifi didn't work with my ds. I google pokemon simulators and I end up at showdown. I watched pimpnite play OU, I got into OU. One day someone queues up with an all fire type team, I ask him why and he explains he meant to play monotype, and because of that I try monotype and get involved. I went to go ask for help with my team, accidentally clicked the finals of a tournament, and I end up seeing all these people with Alliance in their name. I ask why, they explain side servers, I end up at EOS. By some chance I find FHQ and me and the RO get along. I stay there and eventually meet this girl named Natsume. All of that and more brought me to you. I always admired you from afar, I always thought you were a great person, turns out you were even better than that. We talked, we clicked, we had so many things in common, turns out we really liked eachother. We got together. That day changed my life. I spent the entire night just smiling in my bed because I was truly happy for once in my life.

And that year was the year I was going to kill myself, before school started again. But you changed my life. When I thought of how I got to you, when I thought "if X didn't happen, then I might not be here." That thinking, made my past okay. All the weight I was dragging around, all the weight on my shoulders, all the pain and sadness, was pretty much gone. And that missing piece? It was filled. Anything that I went through while I was with you I was okay with, because I could always go "At least I have my Natsume.". I believed in things happening for a reason so strongly.

But what reason is there for me to have BPD? For there to be a fucking maniac that was hellbent on ruining our relationship, and my life as a whole? For the last 8 months to be nothing but tragedy? For all of this to take away the one thing that made me happy? There is none. There isn't a future where this is okay. I lost you because of things largely out of my control, and I hate living with it so much.

That girl for me, the person that made me truly happy, kept getting pushed away because of all this. I ended up hurting you that first time. Not a single fucking day has gone by without me thinking about it. NOT. A. SINGLE. ONE. But it was okay, we worked things out, it was okay, we were still fine. But things kept happening that caused problems between us and for us. I kept pushing you away, kept hurting you, kept messing up, kept getting emotional and hurt and closing up. And where are we now? You being too kind to tell me to go the fuck away even though you really want to, and me one step away from putting all my faith into Christianity, killing myself, and hoping I go to heaven. I've experienced it before, and that was when I was close to you, it's a nice feeling, but whatever this is right now, is hell.

Y'know I tried SO fucking hard to make things work as friends, but bad thing after bad thing happened. Things were so good this month, therapy has been going so well, my issues are literally just nonexistent anymore(they literally only exist with you for the most part, which would change if we talked a bit more), but what happens? My friend Calla gets raped and she almost kills herself. My 2 friends get into a car accident and die. I have back to back nightmares of you getting hurt and being gone, and my BPD acts up and pushes you away. Now you're 100% done. (http://pastebin.com/1rZKKvyM if you'd like to imagine being in my shoes earlier this month.)

It's so hard to live with this. I can't go a 15 minutes let alone an entire day without thinking about all of this. Without going "FUCK EVERYTHING." I regret so much. I regret not trusting you, upsetting you, annoying you, not showing how much I care about you, not being able to control my BPD, not opening up to you, not being able to know how to make you happy. For so fucking much, I regret it all. I regret hurting you. I regret it all. I no longer can go "At least I have my Natsume." and all the pain is setting in. It's too much. But why did all of this happen? Because of a thing I was born with? Because life is playing some cruel joke? Because Chill decides to manipulate the fuck out of people? Because I couldn't control things?

I really do love you. The words I say to you aren't just empty meaningless ones. I don't even say "I love you" to my mom, or my sister, or my dogs, or anyone in my family. I only say it to you. Why? Because I truly, genuinely, 100% love you. I made it a point to never be scared of something you're scared of. I've been working so hard to conquer all of my fears, and I did. I'm literally fearless when it involves you. I've changed my sleep schedule for more time for you. I've given up so much, just to TRY to make you happy. I still stay up til 3 am your time just in case. When I said I'd do pretty much anything for you I didn't mean only like "I'll be here for you." no I meant like if I genuinely believed it'd make you feel better I'd probably do it no matter what it was, from dancing to learning to knit to doing something dangerous and or painful. I mean I'd honestly let your dad shoot me if it meant I got to hold your hand. I personally don't think I'm crazy or insane for feeling like this, because y'know, I truly love you.

I'm awful at being who I wanted to be for you. Yes its cheesy, but I wanted to be your Kirito. Do you know why that scene was one of my favorites? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxw6U8yFF28 in case you don't remember.) I know at one point you would gladly come save me and would cry if I was hurt, and I know VERY well that if anything tried to hurt you I'd use my body to block and would fight to the death with them. Kirito gave his hand, I'm giving my whole body, heart, and soul. "I'm for her." This is how much you mean to me Catherine. You pretty much gave me life, you gave me reasoning and a will.

But it really is heartbreaking to get Skype messages from people when I know you're up. I hope so badly that it's you, and it never is. I got a message at like 4 am. I was like "IT HAS TO BE CATHERINE SHE DOES CARE ABOUT ME" but that's not the case. It hurts. Things like this hurt. When you say you care about me, but then follow it with days of silence. When you planned something together on my birthday, but didn't even say "Happy 16th birthday Tyler.". It hurts. When you can't respond to anything I say, it hurts.

I have a text document of stuff just about you/what to do/notes on things and my behavior relating to you etc. I saved all the pictures and stuff you made me/with me. They were some of the happiest moments of my life. Scroll up to when I sent the hand picture you did, I can't put it here. Yes, I did cry when I saw that, and I did cry when I was talking about it on Skype and I'm crying a tear about it right now.

I get so sad when I think you don't like me. That you think bad of me. That you hate me. That you don't care about me, and my mind always finds reasons to justify it, and it gets hard to not go "well.. its true Tyler..".

I wish so many things were different. I miss doing so many things with you. I still remember so many random things. I wish I spent more time playing those roms together. I miss being able to talk with you. I miss writing lore together. I remember how you got your League names. I miss hearing your cute giggle and laughs. I miss seeing you hug your stuffed animal. All these good memories, won't happen again..

You mean so much to me. You mean the world to me. You were my reason to do things. I don't know what to do without you. I honestly don't. I don't have a reason to do anything anymore. I don't WANT to do anything. I don't want to be here. I don't want to upset you. It just seems that the best thing for me to do is to just "go away". I'm tired of hurting, of crying, of being sad, of hating myself, of regretting everything, of feeling like a failure, and most of all, upsetting, hurting, and disappointing you. That I can't live with.

My BPD acts up when I think I'm going to lose you which pushes you away which makes me feel like I'm going to lose you so I get clingy which pushes you away which makes me feel like I'm going to lose you. I broke the cycle, but it's too late. If we just knew how to talk, we could be in a very happy relationship right now, and next month I could be giving you the lamb half of these https://www.reddit.com/r/leagueoflegends/comments/4sjs05/hi_im_that_jewelry_designer_heres_kindred/ but I can't even get you into a Skype call to just listen for a bit.
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I think this is everything important from Skype. I'm sorry. I would really love to talk one last time, and to maybe even play one last League game before saying goodbye. You want me gone, and I can't stay without you it seems. I hate that it's like this. I hate that I rely on you. I hate that I put you through so much. I hate that I can't apologize enough. This isn't your fault.

Answer these: Do you care about me? Do you want me to be okay? Do you forgive me? Do I matter to you? Will you miss me when I'm gone? Do you want me gone? Why shouldn't I "go away"? Just answer those.. ?

If you read this, please say something. If you don't really want to say anything at all, I'll just take your silence as goodbye. If you want to set up a time to talk or anything, just tell me. I'm so close to quitting. I'm sorry Catherine.

side note: I'm absolutely fucking sick to my stomach with myself. For all of this. For you dealing with this. I was really so tempted to just delete all the messages and say goodbye, I love you, I hope you have a happy life, then to block you, never show up on PS, tell chill to go fuck himself, and leave. I don't know why I didn't do that. I'm sorry.