Aussie Anon Installment One

Journal entry no. 23

>I can barely remember anymore.
>Thankfully I'e written what I can in this logbook to remind me.
>We was searching an old Aztec ruin east of the Lacandon Jungle. The misses Jane Doe just finished sucking the venom from my leg after the bite from the bothrops asper. We were after some legendary crystal artifact that was supposedly never to be touched by man due to it's "interdimensional" properties. Locals said anyone who touches the gem is damned away from the Earth to a realm of endless suffering and torment, but Jane and I assumed this was just some ancient bulls@#t made to scare stupid poachers away in the past.
>We eventually found it deep underground, buried under a bunch of ruble. Then...I don’t remember. Everything else is sort of a blur. Next thing I knew, I woke up in some crazy forest with plant life so foreign, I couldn't even recognize most of them.
>It's so ironic it hurts.
>Jane was calmly drinking tea on an unfolded picnic blanket when I woke up.
>She had no idea what happened, but seems accepting of the circumstances. Quite the brave lass she is. No wonder why I made her my wife. Unlike her, I don’t trust this place.

>My distrust was justified, as we soon realized how foreign and dangerous the species of this forest were. I didn't submit to the world around us though, as always, I thrived.

>It took eight days to escaped that forest, and upon doing so my love and I were gobsmacked to see there was a society at the horizon. My wife and I were revealed at first, but then we spotted a pair of malformed, pastel colored creatures fly cross the sky, and I quickly forced us back into the trees. With the crazed chimeras, and odd monsters we've had to face, I ain't going to chance us getting killed by whatever that was. Maybe I was tripping on some acacia cultriformist, but it kind of looked like a flying horse.

>It's my 14th day in what I've now deemed 'Horse Territory'.
>Sunrise had occurred only a couple of hours ago, but I know not the time.
>My left foot was also beginning to lose its petrified state from that dragon-chicken I killed last week. My beautiful wife Jane remained safe though.
>After discovering this place, I wanted to more closely observe the odd hyper-intelligent miniature horses that make up the town.
>Remember future explorers, wild animals may be attracted to foreign scents, because of this, you may need more than camouflage. Luckily, I spent the start of the morning rolling around in dirt. Time to go spy on the horses some more.

>Solar Noon.
>After sneaking into some fields in the town. I took the liberty of finding the biggest bush I could for us to hide in. After that point I began spying on the inhabitants that would pass; Oddly enough, at one point, I saw a pair of fillies playing with a ball, and another crossed my vision chasing a Frisbee. It’s almost as if I’m at a part for horses right now.
>“Darling, can’t we just try talking with one of them”, Jane says in an exhausted and irritated tone.
Absolutely not. This is complete natural observation. Cannot be compromised.
>She gives an unhappy groan.
>“Anon, you’ve been hiding in that bush for the past hour and a half, watching that purple unicorn reading on that bench!”
>I quietly tell Jane,
Shush! You’ll attract the attention of the horse.
>The horn horse was reading a book. I had never seen an animal capable of reading, so this purple horse must’ve obviously be smart.
>Purple Smart looks in our direction.
S#%t! Duck down!
>I pull Jane to the ground, with her face almost crashing into my urine jar.
>“You are so sickening sometimes”, she says in an angered whisper.
What did you expect me to do!? I ain’t an animal.
>Purple Smart ignores us and continues reading. Suddenly a pink horse with a curly mane appears and they converse. I didn’t know what it’s saying, but the purple one pointed at my hiding spot a few minutes in.
F#%K!!!
>As the pink skipped forward, the only thought in my mind is, “Assimilate, ASSIMILATE!”
>Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, the unthinkable happened. Jane actually got out of the bush and approached the creature.
In a hushed scream I tell her, “JANE, GET BACK IN THE BUSH!”
>The pink pony announces herself, “Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie! You’re a funny looking thing.”
>Jane says in the most babying voice possible, “Aww. Aren’t you just the cutest thing I-“
>In the blink of an eye, I strike several pressure points on the horses pink body and it drops going completely limp. I pull it into the bush, and after grabbing Jane’s ankle, pull her in as well. She yelps as she falls to the ground.
>Blend, blend, blend, blend.
>By some miracle, the purple horse doesn’t notice as the pink one’s disappearance. Must be too engaged in her book.
With a smile I tell Jane, “That was a close one, this thing almost got you. You’re welcome.”
>Jane gives a disappointed sigh.
>“Hon, I love you, but Jesus Christ,” She says as she shakes her head in frustration.
>I take a minute to observe the paralyzed horse. It’s body is soft, with much less muscle than the average horse. I also manage to realize it’s gender after lifting its tale and checking out the nethers.
Apparently, this thing is female.
>Jane quietly screams in disapproval, "Anon?! What are you doing?!"
Now don’t tell me your jealous, Love.
>The pink pony tries to talk from her unclosable drooling mouth, as she tells me,
>“Aww cuss ahn a guwl silny.”
Sorry Lass. Don’t understand ya crazy horse talk.
>The sound that we’ve been making finally gets the attention of the Purple one as begins to move to the bush.
>Damn.
>I only have a few seconds until she make it over. THINK, THINK!
>Solution found.

>Let’s flash forward a bit.
>It’s been about twenty minutes or so, after making the decision to suffocate purple horse until she lost consciousness, I began drawing more and more attention. I now have had to deal with nine ponies and after running out of room, I had to start chucking them into other bushes and into treetops to keep them from being noticed. Only one of them put up a real struggle; a blue winged horse with a ton a’ color in its mane and tale. Babe couldn’t handle the suplex though. What a pity.
>Jane’s not complying with my methods throughout a lot of this. Her fascination with the unknown is going to get us killed if I’m not careful. Sometimes I wonder why I married her…Oh yeah, the curves.
>“I don’t think these ponies mind us too much. Maybe if you weren’t so aggressive than we could just-”
Don’t even give me that nonsense. I care too much about you to have things ruined by one of your stupid suggestions.
>Her expression suddenly shifts looking extremely bitter at what I said.
>She's mad, I think. It’s not easy for me to read faces, especially hers. After a long silence, she takes a sip from her canteen.
>“…Anon, can we please just go back to the forest. The situation is only going to get worse as more ponies notice the bodies. Besides, nature is calling and I’m not going to use a jar.”
In that case you best hold it.
>Suddenly, a yellow, pink manned, sky horse rises from a nearby bush and walks over. It has a pair of binoculars around its neck.
>“Um, there’s a bathroom not too far from here”, says the horse
>She was watching us. HOW DID I NOT REALIZE SHE WAS WATCHING US!?
>“Don’t get too close. It’s for your own good”, Jane says knowing that I’ll snap that horses neck if it’s not careful.
>Despite being warned, and seeing what I’ve been doing, the horse still approaches my bush. This must be the ballsiest creature in the entire town.
>“I-I’m not threatening. Honest…I’m Flutter-“
>I leap out, and try to strike a pressure point, but Yellow Sky Horse spasms it’s body and blocks me with its hoof.
What the?
>“Please don’t hurt me!" she says in a squeak.
>I aim for another point near the liver, but I’m blocked again.
>From its fumbled frightened mumbling, I can hear the creature say over and over, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t hurt me.”
>Another blocked strike. Blocked again! WHAT IS THIS THING!?
>Shy horse flutters away crying. I try using my boomerang from my explorers pack, but it sidesteps the weapon and escapes. What a fearful and shy creature.
Come Jane, we need to leave before it returns with reinforcements.
>“What about the bodies”, she asks in concern.
I reassuring tell her,
Leave em. They’re stunned, not dead. Give em’ time and they'll pop up fresh as a daisy.
>I proceed to stealth crawl back to the forest as Jane calmly walks by my side.
>F@#king Jane.