Krumpus Bay

Hey hey hey, look at the newbie here. I could tell from a mile away you ain't from around here. What drags you to our little ass end of the galaxy? No wait, lemme guess: Warp Storm? Figured as much. No one comes to this sector willingly. Well let me be the first to officially welcome you to Krumpus Bay, the ass end of the galaxy. Get used to it, though, ‘cuz you’ll be here for a while. Why, you ask? Well, ‘cuz that pretty little merchant vessel you dragged in is currently getting scrapped by Lazlo’s junkers. Don’t bother rushin’ back for it now, they’ll just gun you down. See, you made the first mistake of Krumpus Bay: you took something at face value. You saw a dock and thought it was a dock and NOT a chop shop. Big fuckin’ mistake ‘round these parts, that. Well, since you’re here to stay for a touch, may as well give you a rundown of what you’re up against. Wouldn’t want a fine upstanding businessman like yourself falling prey to the rabble of this station city thing.

What IS Krumpus Bay exactly? No one much knows, to be honest. Some say it’s an old hollowed out Craftworld. Others say it’s even older than that and built by those robot fucks. Others say that Krumpus Bay is Krumpus Bay in the future sent to the past thanks to the Warp. Some even say it’s what was left over from the last universe before everything went to shit. All anyone knows for certain is that the orks found it first. They flooded in and were able to get it running. Well, running as far as an ork was concerned. Freebooterz used it as a hideaway back when Kariib Sector wasn’t quite so crazy. Now, it’s just the capital of crazytown.

Speaking of orks, we got all types here. Booterz, looterz, rooterz, and even tooterz. Lighten up, it’s a joke! But seriously, we got a lot of orks. So throne-damned many. All tribes get a fair shake out here and, some god out there thought this sector wasn’t bad enough, so he made the orks especially crazy. Take the Green Mile, for instance. Great big wide stretch of corridors, that one. Shit twists and turns and is about as easy to navigate as space hulk with your eyes closed. Naturally, the orks race down it. All the fucking time. Don’t even stop or start much, either, they just declare a winner every so often. Shit, you drive a trukk down the Green Mile, a race’ll spring up around you. Just be sure to be well armed. Anything goes down there. The only time the Green Mile is remotely organized is for the WAAAGHline. What’s that, you ask? You’re gonna love this one. Every four years, don’t ask me how orks keep track, but they do, every four years all the best racers get together and just got at it for like three fucking days. Craziest, shootiest, blastiest, flashiest race you will ever see, with plenty of betting and fungus beer for everyone. Everyone that lives, anyways. Shit is deadly out there. Anyways, the orks mostly stick to their wards, Teeftuga, I think they call it, save the occasional enterprising business ork what wanders this way to scrape a few teef off of us humies with some trades.

Word of advice, stay away from Little Commorragh. ‘S’where all the Dark Eldar call home and trust me, you do NOT want to trifle with that shit. Makes gangers look like little kids. They’ll kill you as soon as look at you. And never, and I mean NEVER, take a loan from a Deldie, either. The things they do to people who don’t pay up are will make you wish they killed you when they looked at ya. FNFF is good shit, though. That’d be Friday Night Flesh Fight. See, those creepy torture fetish fucks love to make these gross flesh monsters, they call ‘em Grotesques, and they’ll pit them against each other, against slaves, against Dark Eldar. They’ll pit anything against anything, really. Pay your entry fee and stay away from shifty looking knife ears and the fights are worth it, especially if you catch two Deldies or a Deldie and a regular Eldar going at it. Oh yeah, we got regular Eldar, too. They're mostly those corsairs you no doubt heard all those horror stories about, being a merchant vessel crewman and all. Well, former merchant vessel crewman. They’re just as insufferable as any eldar, really, so I usually just leave ‘em the Warp alone. Scuttlebutt says there’s one of those Craftworlds lurking around somewhere, but I don’t really give a shit. If it doesn’t go on in Krumpus Bay, I don’t much give a shit. Apparently one of them Deldar gangs was lookin’ to sack it, but then they just up and disappeared, so I don’t much know what that was about.

Huh? Oh, that? Of course you’d be interested in that. It’s one of them Space Marine Battle Barges. Warp spat ‘em out a few centuries back in shit condition and they got so rage drunk by this festering pile of heresy that we call home that they thought to purge it. Crashed their ship right into the damn hull of Krumpus Bay and just marched right in. I heard they lasted a good few years, too. Ain't much left of them but their ship, though. It’s the Litany of Folly now, to mock all them dead marines what thought they could take Krumpus Bay. The Rogue Traders have set up shop there, takin’ it up as their own little resort. Heard they got some nice digs, not that either of us will ever know. Oh please, if you and your merchant buddies weren’t rich enough to deserve proper docking, you’ll never see the Litany of Folly.

So I guess that’s about it. Thrones, teef, or barter will get you everywhere here and if you need shit fixed or some fancy new gubbins, there’s a handful of those servitor arm guys scuttling about as well as plenty of mekboys. I’d go with the mekboys, personally. Indiscriminate bashing seems to do a better job than incense and saying pretty please with oil on top. Just remember, nothing in Krumpus Bay is for free. Speaking of which, that was a throne damned mouthful of intel I just dropped on you, so unless you want me to fry your kneecaps and sell you to a Deldie, I’d cough up a few thrones if I were you...