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freshstart89 backstory

By: freshstart89 on Jan 12th, 2013  |  syntax: None  |  size: 36.41 KB  |  views: 60  |  expires: Never
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  1. Sorry to post here again. (self.SuicideWatch)
  2.  
  3. submitted 27 days ago by freshstart89
  4.  
  5. If I'm posting here too much, please tell me. I honestly won't be offended.
  6.  
  7. I am feeling really, really depressed again today. I've spent a few months working really hard, trying to teach myself how to program and design websites.
  8.  
  9. I spent the past few weeks working on redesigning a website for my Dad's company. I worked really, really hard, and I thought it looked pretty good. I finally sent him a link to my design, and he ignored it. I sent another email, no response. I was supposed to show it to other employees at a staff meeting yesterday and I felt so embarrassed that I stayed in bed. Avoided checking my email until last night, and then blew off another meeting this morning.
  10.  
  11. I just feel horrible about myself and my future. I hate not having a real job. I spent 3 years in a job before, and everybody seemed to love me. They acted like I was really smart, capable, etc. Then, I decided to switch jobs, and they turned on me. They made it into a personal thing, complained about me to my new boss, made my life hellish, etc.
  12.  
  13. I ended up quitting the new job after only six months or so, and I feel completely lost. I wanted to go to graduate school, but I have nobody to write letters of recommendation for me now. I feel like all of my time was wasted there because of what happened when I tried to leave, and I shouldn't have been such a fuck-up.
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  15. I just feel horribly incompetent and miserable right now. I really, really want to die. Everything I think about seems miserable. I would much rather just end my life now and not have to deal with any of it. The neutrality of death seems far better than having to deal with life right now and in the future.
  16.  
  17. I just really want to die right now. I feel like the world would be a better place if I were dead, and I could save a lot of people by donating my organs, because I'm apparently in superb health. Those people probably appreciate life a hell of a lot more than I do right now, so it seems like a very good solution.
  18.  
  19. I just don't know how to kill myself without hurting my family. I've caused enough problems already. I can't afford to cause anymore.
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  22. [–]SQLwitch 5 points 27 days ago
  23.  
  24. Moderator here, this is only your second time. Relax. Sounds like things are a tremendous struggle for you right now <hugs>.
  25.  
  26. I'm hearing a tremendous level of self-doubt in your story, like you have never been able to trust in your own abilities. I'm also hearing that you inhabit a scary Universe, where the world can turn on your at a moment's notice, for no apparent reason. All of that is usually the result of emotional deprivation in early life. It's also all usually quite fixable.
  27.  
  28. Most of the competent, ethical people I know have been perceived as incompetent and/or unethical by someone they have worked with at some point in your career. Your bad job experience may have had nothing to do with you at all. It could simply be bad luck. I know it's easy for me to say "don't let it define you", but ultimately what people think begins and ends inside their heads.
  29.  
  30. Please try to hang in there, and keep talking about this, wherever you feel safe.
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  36. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 27 days ago
  37.  
  38. Thanks for the reassurance. I just feel really guilty because I posted here a few days ago, felt better after reading replies, and then had already undone that progress by today. Feel like I need to be careful about posting too much because I can be really selfish and self-centered at times.
  39.  
  40. It helps to hear that other "good" (competent, ethical, etc.) workers have been perceived unfavorably by some people before too. It was such a twisted situation -- I honestly feel if I were less competent, it could have ended better. But, they treated me like this "wonder kid" (seriously, they would tease me about that) and expected me to work for them forever, even when I hated it. They were extremely upset when I turned in my resignation letter, and it all sort of blindsided me. I hate that the professional relationships I had before turned so sour at the end -- part of me wants to email and apologize, just so I could feel a little less worthless. But, at the same time, I don't know what to apologize for. So, I've just been avoiding and ruminating and... not coping very well with it all, I guess.
  41.  
  42. Sorry to ramble :(
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  50. [–]DPchild 2 points 27 days ago
  51.  
  52.     and then had already undone that progress by today.
  53.  
  54. I responded to your last post. And, I'm here now talking to you again. You haven't undone anything, you're not posting too much and you're definitely not "selfish and self-centered."
  55.  
  56. If depression could be fixed by reading a reddit post, then we'd all be getting Nobel Peace Prizes. You're seeking out advice and support, and that's what we're offering.
  57.  
  58. No one expects you to change tomorrow, or suddenly be better. We just want you to get away from the suicidal thoughts, and instead move towards a path of recovery.
  59.  
  60. Listen, everything you're feeling about the past and present is still being seen through the lens of depression. I could talk to any of my former coworkers and they'd all say I was the nicest, friendliest guy out there. But, most of them had no idea about how much depression and self-hatred I went through.
  61.  
  62. What I'm saying is, other people's perspective towards you when you're depressed doesn't mean anything. We have the ability to turn anything (praise or criticism) into something that will make us feel worse.
  63.  
  64. And, you taught yourself all that programming stuff in a few months!? That's amazing. I have friends who work in Ruby and Drupal. Can you imagine how much more you might enjoy it and succeed at it if you weren't depressed? I don't think you can see how amazing your accomplishments are.
  65.  
  66. The only thing I would ask you do consider doing is to see your PCD and try and find a therapist. I know you might not be able to see it now, but I feel like this is the best thing for you.
  67.  
  68. If you need to come on these boards and read these messages to motivate you, then do it. I start:
  69.  
  70. You can do it, freshstart89!
  71.  
  72. You're NOT worthless, freshstart89!
  73.  
  74. It can get better, freshstart89!
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  81. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 26 days ago
  82.  
  83. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I really appreciate the encouragement and advice!
  84.  
  85. I don't want to jinx it, but I think things might already be starting to get better :)
  86.  
  87. When I was really depressed a few years ago, I volunteered in a research lab. It wasn't even a paying job, but it was research experience, gave my life a bit more structure/purpose, and eventually led to my paying job (the one I mentioned in this post).
  88.  
  89. After thinking about it this week, I decided I needed to seek out another opportunity like that. I researched opportunities this morning, fired off a "cold-call" sort of email (just saying I was interested in the research; could do x, y, and z; and wanted to ask if I might be able to help).
  90.  
  91. And, this afternoon, I got an email reply back! The professor was super-friendly, and the research is basically a combination of everything I am interested in. I have a lot of interests and somehow, in some crazy twist of fate, this study is a wonderful mix of all of them. Complete with an enthusiastic professor, awesome research, etc. And, an opportunity to help out!
  92.  
  93. I am really, really excited. I am nervous about it not working out (I don't think I can take any more disappointment), but I am trying to remind myself I was capable before and I am capable now. I can do this. I really hope I can. I really, really am hoping it works out!
  94.  
  95. I have felt a surge of positive momentum from this recent development and caught up on email replies (I had been isolating, I guess), apologized for being unprofessional earlier this week (I basically just stopped answering emails / went offline), and am more motivated to contact my therapist again.
  96.  
  97. I am afraid my PCP is mad at me (she normally writes a quick note/message to tell me my labs are all good or whatever, and this time it was just a standardized message -- maybe I'm reading too much into it?). I'm supposed to see her in another week, but tempted to put it off... I really don't like confrontation!
  98.  
  99. Thanks again for all of the help (in both of my posts!). Sorry I tend to write novels in all of my posts :(
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  107. [–]DPchild 2 points 26 days ago
  108.  
  109.     I am afraid my PCP is mad at me (she normally writes a quick note/message to tell me my labs are all good or whatever, and this time it was just a standardized message -- maybe I'm reading too much into it?). I'm supposed to see her in another week, but tempted to put it off... I really don't like confrontation!
  110.  
  111. She's not mad at you. I promise. Physicians are professionals and have a number of patients. Don't read into this. Please go see her. All good doctors care about their patients, and I'm sure she cares about you.
  112.  
  113. On the other front, I'm really happy for you and proud of you! That's an awesome opportunity that YOU found! It will work out if you want it to.
  114.  
  115. Don't let anything inside you tell you that it won't. Trust in yourself that you're doing a good job. Want your first thoughts to be always positive (no matter how small), don't let them be negative. It will work out if you want it to. I believe in you, and you should too.
  116.  
  117. :)
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  124. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 24 days ago
  125.  
  126. Thank you for the encouragement!
  127.  
  128. I got a nice note from her this morning, and I feel better about things now :) I think she might have just been rushed before, or maybe wanted to wait a couple days to see if my mood & other symptoms improved before checking-in again. Makes sense to me now, and I feel a lot better about it all.
  129.  
  130. I have been in a great mood all weekend! Really excited about the new research project and hoping it works out.
  131.  
  132. Thank you very much for all of the support and encouragement. I appreciate it!
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  140. [–]DPchild 1 point 23 days ago
  141.  
  142. Very glad to hear that! And glad you had a good weekend. Hold on to these feelings and know that they're always possible to have.
  143.  
  144. You're doing great!
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  151. [–]SQLwitch 2 points 27 days ago
  152.  
  153. When you have been very down, recovery tends to be a bumpy and non-linear process. Sometimes it seems like you've gotten a bit better and then slipped right back down again; that is difficult, for sure, but it's totally normal.
  154.  
  155. That sounds like a pretty toxic workplace situation. When they put you up on a pedestal and/or project some kind of "wunderkind" persona onto you, they're NOT treating you like a human being. They're using you as an archetypal device to work out their individual or group psychological hangups. Whatever else, sounds like you're probably better off out of there.
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  162. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 26 days ago
  163.  
  164. Yeah, I think it was just not a great situation all around. I relapsed several times while working there, and my physical health suffered as a result of the stress, but it's so hard to remember those bad parts now. I guess I just have to remind myself how stressful and frustrating it was, and how it was the right decision to quit, even if it didn't necessarily work out as I had hoped...
  165.  
  166. Thanks for reminding me that recovery can be chaotic / non-linear. I think that my bad habit of viewing things in black/white sometimes makes me think that it's a straight shot from Depressed to Not Depressed, but, in reality, it's probably very different.
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  174. [–]SQLwitch 2 points 26 days ago
  175.  
  176. No, actually the path from Depressed to Not Depressed is usually more of a labyrinth. Not necessarily a monster-free one, either. That's why we all need some support along the way.
  177.  
  178. You sound like you've regained some perspective. Good for you.
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  185. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 26 days ago
  186.  
  187. Thank you :)
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  195. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 27 days ago
  196.  
  197. Also... random question, but... you wouldn't happen to be a DBA, by chance? I keep seeing the SQL in your username and wondering...
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  205. [–]SQLwitch 2 points 27 days ago
  206.  
  207. Not quite, database developer.
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  214. [–]mindlikeachild 3 points 27 days ago
  215.  
  216. If you don't mind me asking, what do you usually do in your day-to-day life? What's your current career situation?
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  222. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 27 days ago*
  223.  
  224. I'm unemployed right now and I do very little in my day-to-day life. Just recently (the past few days, I guess), I've gotten more discouraged than usual and been sulking around my parents' house most days. Spending time reading books, Reddit, etc. a lot. Trying to exercise everyday.
  225.  
  226. For a while (last few months), I was programming 15-20 hours/day. Taught myself Ruby (and Ruby on Rails), NodeJS, BackboneJS. Already knew HTML, CSS, some javascript. Built websites and online portals using CMS's like Drupal and SugarCRM. Basic web design type stuff, I think, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I had hoped, and apparently I sucked at it.
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  234. [–]TheDanosaur 3 points 27 days ago
  235.  
  236. Don't worry about it, we're more than willing to help. I don't know what its like to work in your particular industry but I know this; a lot of people spend too much time worrying about their future, its very easy to become very pessimistic about your prospects due to a single bad spell. Keep trying, you're probably a much better person than you realise :).
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  242. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 27 days ago
  243.  
  244. Thank you. I really hope you're right :)
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  251.  
  252. I have been suicidal before, but not to this extent. I'm scared. (self.SuicideWatch)
  253.  
  254. submitted 29 days ago by freshstart89
  255.  
  256. I'm really, really scared. Already in tears as I write this because I'm pathetic and I don't know what to do.
  257.  
  258. I don't know how I got this way. I feel like I had everything I needed to be successful and I still failed. I've been really lucky in some areas of my life, but I've always managed to fuck things up.
  259.  
  260. I've been unemployed for almost a year and it's killing me. I haven't been looking for work, really, because I don't feel like I can do anything without fucking it up and disappointing people.
  261.  
  262. I graduated uni at 19, had a job through college and beyond, where I got positive accolades all the time and praise everyday. But, I still felt like I sucked. I hated it. I felt like I was letting everybody down and even if I was "intelligent" it didn't matter because intelligence is wasted on people like me, who sometimes fail to make themselves do the things that need to be done, regardless of the consequences.
  263.  
  264. I quit last December. They begged met to stay, but I felt confident walking out that door that the job was only holding me back. I regret that decision very much now. I thought I would be so much better off being "my own boss" but I've found it's not. I was working 12+ hour days for weeks at a time, convinced that hard work would pay off eventually, and then, recently, I realized I still had accomplished nothing.
  265.  
  266. I feel like I never will accomplish anything. I never will contribute anything positive, never help anybody, never do anything worthwhile. I need to kill myself because I feel like I'll forever be a burden, an unsuccessful person that just takes from the world without giving anything in return.
  267.  
  268. I feel like I can't live with myself anymore and I keep thinking about ways I could end my life, but I'm too scared to do it. I worry about not being successful at that either, and causing my family pain, regardless of the outcome.
  269.  
  270. I had an appointment with my primary care doctor yesterday because I've been getting headaches every night. I thought she'd take me seriously, and she did, as much as she could, but I couldn't hide my depression. I could, and had, from everybody else close to me in my life recently, and somehow she picked up on it. I feel so stupid and embarrassed about somebody else noticing. She seemed genuinely disappointed about me feeling poorly and I feel guilty about that. I feel like it was easier when nobody else seemed to notice.
  271.  
  272. Sorry for rambling.
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  286.  
  287. [–]KissMeAlice[F] 4 points 29 days ago
  288.  
  289. Man I know how this feels. The worry of failure becomes overwhelming and leads to being unable to do anything. You have however succeeded before, I can see as much in your writing above.
  290.  
  291. Hiding depression is no easy thing. In a world of people becoming increasingly depressed and others around them telling them to "brush it off", how can we not feel like failures? There is just so much pressure.
  292.  
  293. I hope you pull through this, I do. Beware a primary care is only a stepping stone into dealing with depression but it is a good stepping stone. There are others who can help and understand. You are not alone though I know it feels like it. Not only have I waged this battle but so have many, many others. It is not much but if you ever need an ear, I am here.
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  299. [–]freshstart89[S] 3 points 29 days ago
  300.  
  301. Thank you for the very kind post. I really do appreciate it a lot.
  302.  
  303. I have had successes before, in the past, but sometimes (like now, I suppose), I wish I never had. I feel like it heightened others' expectations for me, and my own expectations too, I guess. I believed the people that said I was "different", "gifted", etc., and I feel foolish now for doing so.
  304.  
  305. All of those lies gave me a false sense of confidence -- that I'd be able to succeed, do anything I wanted to, help lots of people. But, the idea that I was capable of doing so much seems only to magnify my disappointment now -- I have not done enough. I feel like it would be easier it it had simply been assumed that I was incompetent across the board, all the time, and always would be. At least, then, I wouldn't feel so bad about being this way?
  306.  
  307. I like my primary care doctor a lot, but know that I really need to be seeing a mental health practitioner too. I've seen plenty before -- countless psychiatrists, therapists, etc. Probably 500+ hours of individual therapy sessions in the last 3 or 4 years, alone. It's kept me alive to this point, and drained pretty much all of my savings, but I don't feel like it's been as effective as I hoped, I guess. I feel like most of them don't really "get" me, and I spend most of the time saying what I think they want to hear, so that they'll feel better about helping me.
  308.  
  309. My primary care doctor is the only one that's been able to see through my act, or at least acknowledge it, both in the past and now. So, I tend to respect her a lot more than I have other doctors, but I know, at the same time, that I really need to be seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist too, since they are more likely to have experience with these sort of issues.
  310.  
  311. It just seems like too much right now. One of those things I know I should, but truely feel I can't.
  312.  
  313. I do appreciate your reply though. It means a lot to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Thank you!
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  321. [–]KissMeAlice[F] 2 points 29 days ago
  322.  
  323. I too have heard the "gifted, special" speech. However, in your writing, for me, I can see the "gifted, special". Please, take this with no smoke up your ass attitude. I mean it, truly. You speak clearly and with thought, deep insight and understanding.
  324.  
  325. I know your plight with the mental health industry. I drain my account every month with co-pays and referrals and prescriptions. I find myself hearing my doctors and therapists talking AT me more than I even open my mouth to talk to them. I feel like I need to say what makes it "easier" for them. Almost as if it is my honor to see them when if fact I am hiring them and paying them. I forget that I can fire them and that they should KNOW that.
  326.  
  327. I think, you have this in the bag. You know what to do. Thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate and really a dream of a friend. I can honestly say this world be for the lesser without you. As I have come to know people, and I do not know you at all. I already like you better than the lot. :)
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  334. [–]freshstart89[S] 2 points 29 days ago
  335.  
  336. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I seriously am at a loss for words, but I appreciate your comments so much. It means a lot to know that somebody else understands.
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  344. [–]DPchild 1 point 29 days ago*
  345.  
  346. -This will sound corny but, try not to think about things (like seeing a therapist) as something you should do. Try and think about things as something you want to do.
  347.  
  348. I know it sounds like semantics, but it's a way of taking the guilt spiral out of simple tasks. Should makes it seem like a burden. And that burden (and the guilt associated) gets worse every time you don't do it.
  349.  
  350. Seriously, this is a really simple thing I do to help myself. Yes, I talk myself out of it occasionally, but even relieving that guilt for an instant can be helpful. If you want to do something, you're only accountable to yourself. If you should do something, you feel like you're accountable to the whole world.
  351.  
  352. -If you like your primary care doc and respect her opinion, then ask her for a referral to someone who will actually listen and help. Doctors usually know the quality people in their field.
  353.  
  354. -And this is really important: DON'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK IN THERAPY. A therapist works for you. You should be able to tell them anything, and they should be able to listen and give you good advice.
  355.  
  356. I'm being blunt, because I wasted 4 years of therapy because of pride. Yes, pride. I was so embarrassed about admitting that my childhood was horrible, and my father was a physical and mental abuser, that I literally kept up a charade for 4 years. And there is nothing that my therapists could have done to know that. I mentioned my problems, but I didn't mention the true root.
  357.  
  358. I'm not saying that's what you've done, but I just want to let you know that we have all "said what we think they want to hear."
  359.  
  360. -Bottom line: You have a connection with your PCD. Talk to her. Think about therapy. Think about support groups. Focus on wanting to do that, and try and keep the negative thoughts (which you will still have) away from those specific goals. It's not easy, but it's worthwhile. Trust me.
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  367. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 28 days ago
  368.  
  369. Thank you for this tip!
  370.  
  371. I'm not sure I understand completely though -- how do you get motivation to do things that you need to do, but truly don't want to do? I feel like you probably explained this, but I just am being very dense today, and can't seem to understand it. If you could clarify, I'd really appreciate it.
  372.  
  373. Thanks in advance!
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  381. [–]DPchild 1 point 28 days ago
  382.  
  383. no problem.
  384.  
  385.     how do you get motivation to do things that you need to do, but truly don't want to do?
  386.  
  387. It's part being stubborn and part tricking yourself. Sometimes I've literally just had to repeat it out loud over and over, e.g. "I want to do X. Doing X can help me in the long run." Other times it's mentally slapping myself whenever I think of things in of "should do" or "need to do".
  388.  
  389. Why do I advocate "tricking" yourself? Because you're not really yourself right now. Depression is constantly tricking you into feeling bad, while numbing out anything else that could be perceived as enjoyable or not painful.
  390.  
  391. That "truly don't want to do it" feeling is just an extension of that depression.
  392.  
  393. All I'm saying is that you have a personal connection with a health professional. You can use that to your advantage.
  394.  
  395. And, you can know that other people (like me) have spent time in therapy doing it the wrong way, so you're not alone. I'll retract my "wasted 4 years" comment. Yes, I didn't address my core issues, but those 4 years of therapy still kept me alive, and made going back to therapy (the right way) a lot easier. So I'll call them misdirected, but useful. Not wasted.
  396.  
  397. Just know you're not doing this for anyone but yourself. Once you can accept that and feel that, it'll help pierce through the depression.
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  404. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 28 days ago
  405.  
  406. Thanks! I think that helped a lot :)
  407.  
  408. So, if I understand correctly, I can focus on connecting things I don't want to do to things I do want to do. "i.e. I don't want to go to exercise, but I WANT to be healthy, so I will go ride my bike." I think that reframing things that way could help me a lot!
  409.  
  410. Thank you for the help :)
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  418. [–]DPchild 1 point 28 days ago
  419.  
  420. that's a great way of thinking about it!
  421.  
  422. Using "want" makes you accountable to you, and it also empowers you. Using the word "should" makes you accountable to some external pressure (created by you depression) that just makes you feel guilty.
  423.  
  424. Start small, combine it (like you said), and go from there. It's not magic, but I've found it really helpful.
  425.  
  426. good luck!
  427.  
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  432.  
  433. [–]DPchild 1 point 28 days ago*
  434.  
  435. no problem.
  436.  
  437.     how do you get motivation to do things that you need to do, but truly don't want to do?
  438.  
  439. It's part being stubborn and part tricking yourself. Sometimes I've literally just had to repeat it out loud over and over, e.g. "I want to do X. Doing X can help me in the long run." Other times it's mentally slapping myself whenever I think of things in of "should do" or "need to do" way.
  440.  
  441. Why do I advocate "tricking" yourself? Because you're not really yourself right now. Depression is constantly tricking you into feeling bad, while numbing out anything else that could be perceived as enjoyable or not painful.
  442.  
  443. That "truly don't want to do it" feeling is just an extension of that depression.
  444.  
  445. All I'm saying is that you have a personal connection with a health professional. You can use that to your advantage.
  446.  
  447. And, you can know that other people (like me) have spent time in therapy doing it the wrong way, so you're not alone. I'll retract my "wasted 4 years" comment. Yes, I didn't address my core issues, but those 4 years of therapy still kept me alive, and made going back to therapy (the right way) a lot easier. So I'll call them misdirected, but useful. Not wasted.
  448.  
  449. Just know you're not doing this for anyone but yourself. Once you can accept that and feel that, it'll help pierce through the depression.
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  455.  
  456. [–]bluegerm 1 point 29 days ago
  457.  
  458. It seems you have managed to do reasonably well in life despite deep set feelings of inadequacy which have grown into a depression. I think it would be a good idea for you to broaden your idea of success. There are many fields, relationships, personal development, spiritual, work is only one. Nobody gets through life without setbacks and failures and disappointments. You need to cut yourself some slack for being imperfect, in other words, being human. Please seek professional help for your depression, it's no shame, a majority of people suffer it sometime in their lives. I think it would be a good idea for you to try and view yourself with compassion rather than being so harshly self critical. Perhaps your doctor could recommend someone to help treat your depression. this site is an introduction to cognitive behaviour therapy, it helps you manage how you view yourself, it might help.
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  463.  
  464. [–]freshstart89[S] 3 points 29 days ago
  465.  
  466. Thank you for your reply!
  467.  
  468. I agree that success is multi-dimensional and being successful (or not successful) at work isn't the only thing that matters. I think, if I had other areas of my life, where I was successful, that would be very uplifting, but I can't help but think that I've failed in all of those areas. I guess work just seemed like the easiest one to focus on in my post, since I used to be "successful" in that area, at least.
  469.  
  470. Thanks for the CBT link -- I haven't seen that site before! I have seen mainly CBT therapists before, and I love that there's so much evidence behind it, but I feel like I need something more, too. I've been thinking of DBT or ACT, maybe EMDR. I don't really know what would help at this point. I read a lot about different therapies, researching new therapists to see, but I can't seem to follow through with it, which seems to be a persistent theme in most areas of my life (not being able to do what I need to do, when it needs to be done).
  471.  
  472. I appreciate the reply and advice though! Thank you for the kind words.
  473.  
  474. I'm trying to rebuild my life. Any tips/advice/input? (self.AskReddit)
  475.  
  476. submitted 2 months ago by freshstart89
  477.  
  478. I made a lot of horrible decisions this past year and am looking for advice now about how to starting rebuilding my life again. Too many bad decisions to list here, but major ones included: quitting my "good" (i.e. stable) job, spending all my money/savings on a 3-month vacation, quitting my only social outlet (a sports team), and wasting way too many days on Reddit.
  479.  
  480. I've been really depressed about it and am ready to change. I'm tired of being an unemployed, broke loser who lives at home. I've got a few ideas about things to try, but I'm not really confident in my decision making skills at this point, so I'd appreciate any guidance you guys could offer. Do my goal/ideas (below) seem worthwhile? Reasonable? Stupid? Am I missing anything?
  481.  
  482. Goals
  483. 1. Sleep by 12am, up by 10am every day
  484. 2. Apply for 3+ jobs/week
  485. 3. Exercise every day
  486. 4. Join another soccer team
  487. 5. 1+ meetup/week (Reddit, Meetup.com, etc.)
  488. 6. Sign up for classes this Fall (either to finish premed requirements, or learn to program in more structured way)
  489. 7. 1+ volunteer opp./week
  490. 8. Take (ADHD) medications everyday
  491. 9. Religious services once a week?
  492.  
  493. Anything else I should be doing? Anything in particular, I should focus on? I'm really tired of "living" this way, and determined to change it ASAP, but not sure I'm going about this the right way...
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  505. best
  506. formatting help
  507.  
  508. [–]StickDoctor 1 point 2 months ago
  509.  
  510. First and only good bit of advice I can give you. All the planning in the world won't make your life better. You NEED to make sure you do it.
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  516. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 2 months ago
  517.  
  518. This makes sense. Definitely one of my biggest challenges! I think I might try to set-up some sort of reward system for myself. Also might help if I find things to commit to now, so that I know people are depending on me every week (like for soccer, or volunteering, or something else) and hopefully will be less apt to skip out then...
  519.  
  520. Thanks for the reminder!
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  528. [–][deleted] 1 point 2 months ago
  529.  
  530. It sounds like you quit your life temporarily to go on an extended vacation from your obligations, maybe stacking them back up so you can go back to how things were isn't your best course of action.
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  536.  
  537. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 2 months ago
  538.  
  539. Very good point, for sure. I have definitely gotten a lot more restless/panicky lately and have been considering going back to my old lifestyle, even though it doesn't make much sense (I was miserable!).
  540.  
  541. I don't think it's worth trading in my sanity for a steady paycheck and familiar lifestyle yet, but I'm certainly getting closer to that point. Suppose I should probably step up the search for a different job, rather than just falling back to what's comfortable and familiar.
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  549. [–]NullXorVoid 2 points 2 months ago
  550.  
  551. Too much sleep. It's different for everyone but usually if you sleep more than 8 hours it will just make you even more lethargic. I rarely sleep more than 7 hours. I suggest you go to sleep by 12, get up at 7 or 8 and take a quick shower right when you get up, it will really help you wake up.
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  556.  
  557. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 2 months ago
  558.  
  559. This is very helpful -- thanks!
  560.  
  561. I have a pretty erratic sleep schedule (last night was 4 hours from 3am - 7am). I sort of just crash at night and wake up whenever I wake up in the morning, without any idea of whether I'm sleeping the right amount or not. I like the idea of getting up at 7 or 8, and taking a quick shower right away to help wake up :)
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  568.  
  569. [–]DocQuixotic 1 point 2 months ago
  570.  
  571. Goal 1: set realistic goals. Changing old habits is hard. Trying to change too many of your ways will probably burn you out really quickly. Going back to playing sports and getting a new job sound like great short-term goals, and taking your meds will probably help you get there. Focus on those, put some effort in it, and I'm sure you'll be in a much better place soon :)
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  576.  
  577. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 2 months ago
  578.  
  579. Thank you for the tip! I think I was a little too over-ambitious yesterday and will be trying your suggestion of just focusing on a few things today :)
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  586.  
  587. [–]saladdin 0 points 2 months ago
  588.  
  589. Get a job. That simple.
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  594.  
  595. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 2 months ago
  596.  
  597. I wish it was! I know that having a real job would improve things dramatically, but I just haven't seemed to have much luck finding one. Just got to keep looking, I guess. crosses fingers
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  605. [–][deleted] 1 point 2 months ago
  606.  
  607. I found that I have to outsmart myself when I'm quitting an old habit or making a big change, because for me willpower alone is never enough.
  608.  
  609. What I do is keep a diary, and in it I lay out all the major reasons I want change. Having all the reasons I want (or do not want) something in one place helps to organize my thoughts into a united front against bad habits. In my diary, I am as brutally honest as possible -- nobody but me ever needs to read it -- so my language is DIRECT and pointed. "Such and such makes me feel like a disgusting slob, because of X Y and Z" is a lot more effective when reread than "i don't like when I do such and such". Not only this, but becoming the voice of truth and reason is both empowering and cathartic.
  610.  
  611. The diary I keep is on a little pad that's always with me, so I have access to what I've written at all times. I also always keep a pen in my pocket so I can write notes and keep updated (date/time/what I'm feeling at the moment).
  612.  
  613. This has helped me a lot because I'm an introspective type of person, and I'm always trying to find ways to overcome my own psychology.
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  619. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 2 months ago
  620.  
  621. Wow, this sounds like a fantastic idea! I also tend to be very introspective and process things best by writing my feelings out and rambling (a lot!). I haven't yet written down the reasons I want to change each thing, but I'm sure that doing that, and being reminded of it constantly, would help me too. Thanks for this idea!
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  629. [–][deleted] 1 point 2 months ago
  630.  
  631. I hope it works for you :3
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  637.  
  638. [–]3lain3 0 points 2 months ago
  639.  
  640. Get a dog!
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  645.  
  646. [–]freshstart89[S] 1 point 2 months ago
  647.  
  648. Any reason you suggested this specifically? My family has two dogs and I usually can't stand either of them (hate the barking), but if it would help...
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  655.  
  656. [–]3lain3 1 point 2 months ago
  657.  
  658. I suppose it would only help if you're a dog person, which I am, but I also think it can both ease depression to have someone love you unconditionally (man's best friend) and it instills a sense of responsibility.
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