Time to quit gaming ... at least to try!

A gaming diary, a reflection.. Posting this for myself to re-read in the future, current date: September 16th, 2014.
{ Note took me several months to write this.. Not in one sitting. I am from Israel/Palestine, arab48, read: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arab_citizens_of_Israel  }

Part 1) The start.
Part 2) The escalation.
Part 3) the first intervention.
Part 4) The fall.
Part 5) The awakening.
Part 6) Moving on.


1) Part 1.

For the longest time i can remember i've been gaming, from my early days of childhood to my later days in adulthood. It's always been a fundamental part of my life - not just a relief or remedy tool, a tool to suppress outside issues but more of a way of life, in doing so i've missed out on my real life and have pushed away many of the things that are relevant to my personal well being.

My earliest moment of watching someone play games was watching my youngest uncle playing Super Mario on the NES,its funny how everyone called NES/SNES/PS1 whatever system it was in the 80s and 90s "Atari", everyone perceived them as Atarai because it was the first system so the name synced in, till this day people call gaming consoles "Atari".. He was playing on the under water levels and he did not let me touch the controller, ever, i wanted to participate - my parents did not get us a gaming console or games on the pc, everyone had the same operating system where they'd type in "QM" in dos to boot it up, our pc didn't have that, we had the basic DOS - the blue one with almost no games on it other than a chopper game where you flyed a black haw and my dad always played that and again never allowed me to play, ever. For the first portion of my life i was only a spectator of other people playing games, i wanted to play too.. But consoles/games on pc were so uncommon. My second memory is while i was visiting my uncle's house with my parents (as a child ofcourse) i went upstairs to my cousins room and saw them all hanging out on the pc playing the first prince of Persia, they were having a blast playing it - they did not play competitively and were laughing at the fact they could crouch and ("shit") on the npc's they've just killed, we then had to go home and that was it.

I'd go to relatives houses specifically to try and play games on their pc's but for the most part other people had the privilege of doing so and not me, we'd do tournaments of Mk1/Mk2 and constantly play FIFA and Quake/Doom then go home... The fact of the matter is 'cheat' codes were so secret that anyone one that knew them held 'power' over others, people wanted to know what was the cheat code for invincibility on Doom 1 and only a few knew, once they did they'd tell others (DIDDQD)... It was interesting to say the least..

Then my dad got us a proper PC that could run video games via floppy and with "CDs" on windows 95, our library of games was tiny and it was mostly demo games, we didn't have the library of games other people had so it wasn't addictive.. Then we were gifted by my dad a "Playstation 1", we were the first people in our village to get one.. We played the hell out of it and played it so much that it broke down and my dad had it fixed.. This is where we began true gaming to the extreme.. We'd get our dad to buy us new games and we play the ever loving shit out of them to finish everything 100%. We had race games, fighting games, action, adventure, puzzles etc.. I'd play any game - be it magic carpet, syphon filter, metal gear solid, final fantasy 7 & 8, james bond games, wrestling games, football etc etc...

On the PC we were buying bootleg cd's from where ever we could, anytime we went with a school trip or with our parents we'd find a bootleg CD stand and buy new games, we knew exactly what titles to buy because we were aware already of 'game companies' that produced good tiles and companies that didn't, every summer we'd spend it playing games none stop from start to end.. Tomb raider 1, 2 & 3 each had a summer of their own, FF 7 & 8 each had a summer of their own.. I still remember getting blown away with MGS1's story line and playing blackjack on a bond game.. I appreciated the creation of games and admired it, i wanted to be a game designer or creator, unlike everyone else i would actually look up the game creators/see who's behind it and try to understand the logic and story behind it and how it was made and why (far before any gaming channels existed and long before we had monthly internet)..

This continued, our dad kept buying new pc's every so often and we kept playing new and new games, our internet access was very limited because it was payed by the minute at the time and it was extremely expensive, i'd pretend to go on a 'kids' website to read some stuff for 'kids' but instead i'd be going to gamespy arcade or going on ign to see whats new and what to get. My dad wasn't happy about that.

Then we got another gift a 'PS2', at somepoint we got a modchip for it and began downloading games from Emule/Kazza/50 parts of rapidshare files and so on to get 'free' games illegally via pirating. This expanded our library of games exponentially and we discovered a new aspect of gaming - good bye split screen on Ps1/PS2 and hello online multiplayer addictive gaming, now Quake 3 became ever more so popular and so did counter strike (up until security protocols were introduced and we could no longer play cracked games online), but there was one cracked that failed in that aspect... This was when Monthly subscription to internet was introduced - man what a hoax minute internet was..

Now i had my chance to improve and become better than everyone else, i played competitively - anytime some one defeated me in a game i'd want to improve so i can crush them in future rematches, i began looking for specific type of games and i found them, a friend of our dad gave us a few cd's and 1 one of them stood out the most - Soldiers of Fortune 1 & 2, the singleplayer was utter trash and uninteresting but the multiplayer was a hole nother story, this is something i payed little attention to when i played quake online - clans/the social online aspect of games, For quake i didn't care about clans or dedicating any real effort into them but for SOF2 i ended up making my own clan (it failed) and hosting my own server for almost a year with many people visiting and playing... Once i discovered that you can do that - form clans meet new people online all without leaving your house i began to socially change and my life became like a bubble, i grew more anti-social but still had restraints.

Up until middle school i had an older brother that would limit and control my time spent on the computer, he'd get me off when the time became too late and when i've already played too much, he'd warn me when i would use too many minutes on the internet (at that time there was no fast internet, it was payed by the minute.. what a rip off), and when i've played too many games of Quake and Swat, any game i'd put my hands on i'd want to complete it, be it Final Fantasy 7 or 8 on the PS1, crash bandicout, syphon filter, metal gear solid whatever it was.. I had to 'complete' but i had control, not self control but an older sibling controlling and monitoring my behavior,. my parents did very little.

At a certain point, my brother moved out - he went to study in a 'gifted students' school (which is a story of its own) and there it was, i had no one to limit me or directly monitor my gameplay habits, i went wild. I began playing more and more competitively on Sof2 and once hacking became rampant on it i decided to move to another game i had at the time but payed little attention to - Medal of honor allied assault, except this time it was entirely different approach for me.. Something new.

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Part 2) The escalation.

The difference between my time spent on Sof2 & Mohaa was the fact for SOF2 - i started playing the singleplayer then tried out the multiplayer, for Mohaa i directly went to the multiplayer - i didn't even touch the singlepayer and the first thing i did was find a clan to join, i skipped the part where i'd practice/train and become better and instantly thought i am good and will perform well without EVEN trying the multiplayer (except to see if cracked game worked online and it did, they had no protection) ..

This approach of not even touching the singleplayer was new to me, the game i already had a while and never touched it because i was busy with Sof2 (soldiers of fortune 2) and once that came to an end i needed something to fill the gap/void, out of all clans i decided to join an EST based clan, at first all the events were early night but later on the events became more and more later in the night, at that point i already had Teamspeak - was already using Gamespy Arcade, mirc irc and had Xfire but never used it

My first event attendance was awful, i had no idea how the map design was and everyone acted like i should know, i did not and pretended i did.. I wizzled through and was accepted into the clan and began 'bonding' with the leadership and members.. I had spent two entire years in that clan, i would practice and play none stop every day and so on, got a headset with a mic to talk to clan mates on Teamspeak and wanted to be the best and climbed up the ranks. The only thing that bothered me was the fact the leader didn't want me to use my original nick "Captin death" or "hellboy" so i chose Zamaro (like from the movie the last castle, zamorrow KILL HIM!).. As time went on i began playing more and more and no 1 was monitoring me, my grades sucked and flopped all went down and i began staying up late till 4 am and waking up at 6 am to go to school, i'd fall a sleep during classes and my class mates snitched on me to my parents, at that time i was already half a year in and they barely even noticed.

They began going up at 4 am to see if i was still up and for the most part i'd manage to escape and pretend i am sleeping.

my clan's name was ACiD (Angels cry in death) and the leader was a great person much older than i was called G@Liath, I climbed up the ranks in the clan and improved so well, i dedicated so much time and energy to the clan to help us climb up the clan ladder, we wanted to be the best and we'd fight the best - get mad when we'd lose and punish members for poor performance.

Then it went down hill.
I distanced everyone from me, had no friends at school and rejected every invite to social events. Wouldn't go to visit relatives with my parents and avoid any wedding or family events so i can just game on, didnt wanna go buy new clothes or shoes or anything just let me play, didn't want to go on holiday trips or anything, JUST LET ME PLAY!.

i'd get picked on in school and would sit alone during breaks then walk home alone and just mostly spend mytime sleeping during classes failing most of my exams.

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Part 3) the first intervention.

I climbed and climbed in the ranks, gave opinion on certain issues but everything went to shit, all that time i would stay up till 4 am playing and then waking up at 7 am to go to middle school, my parents became aware of my habits and were very upset. At first they tried to tell me to stop and gave me the benefit of the doubt, but i'd sneak in at nights and get more hours of gameplay and practice. I'd run away when they'd come up in the middle of the night and pretend i am sleeping till they became smarter and did an 'intervention' for me at 4 am during an 8 vs 8 scrim while i was the last man standing and all my clan mates were encouraging me to 'win'..

My parents took out the root cause - the internet, at that time there were no wireless routers it was all done via ADSL/DSL modems, so they took away my modem and all of the sudden, i changed: I ached - i was detoxing at first from my gaming addiction, i wanted to play so bad...I'd get angry and frustrated at my parents for not allowing me to play, i'd scream and shout and would try to 'comfort' gameplay - playing singleplayer, for the first time in a year and a half of playing medal of honor allied assault i touched the singleplayer, up until then i have never even bothered playing the actual game, just the MP aspect of it.

But it just wasn't the same, the singleplayer wasn't appealing to me at all - there i was realizing i was sitting at home, in front of my computer - alone playing a shitty singleplayer game, nothing was the same. Nothing could fill that fix.
I used the school's computer to post on my clan forums that i had my internet taken away and they set me to 'retired' member status, i was still checking on our status every few weeks to see how well we're doing.

But then something happened, i began communicating and socializing with my class mates, there was a certain person i became best friends with, i'd go to his house and hang out  and spend time out in the fields, catching stray dogs and giving them food and just walking to other near by villages or hitch-hicking to the lake to swim.. Or just plain playing soccer in an open field, it had been 5 years since i've done anything similar to that - actually spending time with other people my age (instead of people 15+ years older than me) and just doing average things teens should do and experiencing life.

Eventually the school summer break came out, i had planned to work during that summer break and found several job offers - a chicken factory, hotel service, construction, and selling vegetables on a stand on the side of a street. My parents forbade from doing any and they had made a big mistake of giving me back my modem because i 'earned' it, my grades slightly went up and that was enough.

By not allowing me to take on any of these jobs during summer vacation (because "my son wont be standing on the side of the street to sell FRUITS! thats so disrespectful!! or working as a contractor in a hotel!!!!" ) etc.. I resorted to gaming, i resumed activity in my mohaa clan but it just wasn't the same. I'd go to sleep early and avoid staying up late because i was more aware but i slipped and started staying up late till 5-6 am again.

At this point Mohaa just wasn't cutting it, my clan had changed - our leader had a life altering event where his cousin died in a car accident and i tried to comfort him, he played last few rounds and decided to do something else with his life.
He passed on leadership (same TS, Same irc channel same Gamespy room) and it was basically the same clan and member base but they decided to boot out all the people they 'disliked', i was kicked because i was a 'foreigner'. I joined our sever to get some practice and training and noticed we had changed our clan initials from [ACID] to [SGS] or something like that so i thought okay, since i am on the same teamspeak and its the same member base they told me "Who told you to change your clan tags? your not apart of this clan! your not welcomed here" "Terrorist" "allah suck my dick" and so on, this was at the height of the Iraqi invasion and i understood their hate towards muslims and arabs in general - it was however, unjustifiable Iraq was no threat to america and never bothered america yet they bombed them THEN called us terrorists for fighting back.. What kind of logic is that, fuck America, this was my first political enlightenment, up until then i payed little attention to politics even though it was directly revolving around my life (being an Israeli arab living inside israel watching your government slaughter other Palestinians in the west bank and gaza made you confused, which side am i on again?? am i apart of those people???).

So i de-voided and felt devalued, after 2 years of relentless effort, this is how i get treatead. I Quit Mohaa all together when i was kicked, it was just never the same for me, i tried to play random community servers but it was just not the same.

Any game i tried to play again be it CS, cracked of course, or Sof2 or Quake 3, Uneral,AOE, UT or Cod  etc.. was just not the same, i felt no interest in joining any of the clans and felt like it was extremely difficult to move on - i had just lost 2 years of my life for a clan that kicked me due to racism and mistake by the leader to promote others (no hard feelings towards him, we have stayed in touch even after 10 years~ of the clan breaking apart), i'd download a game finish it play online then move on and never spending too much time on it. Gta whatever it was, it would come to an end because there was no online social aspect keeping me around... I had a short stint in a game called Americas Army - i began playing it to find a clan and i did.. but i didnt get along with them, i shot a  team mate by accident and he began flipping out about it.. He made topics threatening to quit if i wasn't kicked and kept nagging the leader aobut it and would just flame me none stop, so that was the end of that for me (i had only reached honor level 25 which takes less than a week to reach while they were all honor level 70-100, lol), stopped playing it after i was kicked (occasionally i'd try a game i've already played but i'd just delete it).

During a holiday, my brother had came back to our home from his school, he began playing a game called "runescape". I had already played that game in its early form for a bit (runescape 1/classic they call it now) and hated every single minute of it and when a friend i had added on MSN put his title "everyone check out the new free game Runescape 2!!!" I nudged him on ts and began insulting him for even touching that poor excuse of a game and he reassured me by saying NO NO thats not the game i am talking about!! thats the old one!! try the new one.. I told him i already tried MMROPG'S like knights online, Kal online and know how addictive WoW is and he told me ITs not the same.. yeah its not the same to be honest.

So i did, there i was - began my journey some where in 2004 - i'd play that game for a few weeks then just quit. As a low level player you had no access to clans yet, i was aware of the game's massive clan community but gave up on playing when i realized i had to grind forever to be apart of those clans.. I quit and few months later during my brother's visit he was playing it, i stood there in silence saying "dont tell me the name of the game i know it... MMMmMmmmmm Runescape!" Ha Its "Shit" i said why are you "playing it" Lets play UT or CS or Battlefield i said...

Then he'd sit me down and force me to do 'tasks' for him while he wasn't at home, i'd hate it at first - cutting trees none stop and mining and training.. He was such a poor low level and bad at it. I hated it with a passion because he forced me to do it but then, i became hooked i'd tell him to get off so i can play and do those tasks. I'd wait for him to get off so i can do them.

I'd play none stop and shocked him when he'd come back and realize how much experience and levels i had gained on the account, he played moderately but mainly with a real life friend.. I began aspiring to join clans and wanted to meet the minimum requirements. My brother quit the game some where in late 2004 or early 2005 but i continued playing on his account, he had reached a level of 60 combat and i wanted to get more levels to i went up to 84 or so combat then started pking with clans/groups.

It wasn't satisfying i continued to train to join better clans and i did, with each clan i'd join it would eventually close and i'd move on to the next clan - i'd associate my entire gameplay around clanning, pking/warring till midnight in pk run ins and so on.. Crashing/full outs/minis etc..

Me and my cousin would play (i got him hooked) and we introduced the game to 50 or so other people in our village, all started playing i was the 'elite' out of the group, the most advanced because i started before everyone and had at that point been clanning/playing competitively online for the past 5 or 6 years, while this was their 'first' online game.

They all stopped playing early on and i continued, i would also make sure to pirate download all the new titles and 'beat' them because i felt obliged to do so, i'd read game reviews and play a lot of battlefield 2 while i'd macro and bot my account on Runescape to continue 'training', i wanted to excel i wanted to lead clans and lead the charge in wars.. I wanted the same rank i had in my clan in mohaa. I wanted to be on top.

I've witnessed a lot of pking on Runescape, by September/October 2007 i had been in at least 8 different clans (i always stayed till teh end) and i told my clan i was going to 'retire', i quit for about a month then came back and joined a different clan but kept helping my previous clan (masters of dragons) and would try to recruit people from my current clan (hells legion) to my previous clan by posting topics and talking about the 2-3 hour fights i would participate on mod's behalf against their opponents, my previous clan kept telling me to rejoin and as soon as i was about to do it..

Jagex (the game creators) decided to kill of their game by eliminating free trade and the wilderness pking aspect, i tried to 'adapt' by trying out clan wars and bh crater it was just shit and i did not like it. Thousands of people quit the game and i was one of those, i just quit and did not look back.

When i quit that was it for me, i stopped gaming all together. barely touched my ps2, didn't bother checking out new games and didnt pirate dl any new ones. My urges to game were gone. Thank you jagex.

I began excelling in high school and getting great grades for my final year of highschool (which was great) finished my GED and got my diploma and began preparing for college by working part time jobs.


Part 4) The fall.


By september 2008, jagex realized their mistake and introduced 'pvp' worlds to bring back pking into the game. I wasn't aware of this but i still had contacts from my ex clan mates on MSN (at this point i had entirely stopped using Gamespy Arcade, Xfire and Mirc, i had no reason to use them), my ex clan leader nudged me on MSN to come back to rs and to rejoin our clan that was reopening, i did. The clan closed a week later and with that my interest was disappearing.. Then another ex -clan decided to reopen so i rejoined that as well it died out less than 2-3 weeks later..

As i was preparing to quit the game for good because i knew it would escalate my gaming habits, i was wondering off alone doing a 'last' pk trip, i had already tried to pk with Ni (noobs inc, the most hated clan in the game) and just didn't feel the same, i was ready to leave and then stumbled across another player named 'krunal930', he was being camped inside fist of guthix and i decided to help him out he told me to join his clan chat using quick chat (he was muted, and i'd soon find out why).. I thought this pking at low level wild was rubbish and odd thing to do.

I've stuck around with ph for years, i'd join several clans and teams alongside them and dedicated almost all of my living days and nights to lead and help ph, i neglected all my studied and friends and families.. I became shelled in the game and obsessed over it. My room mates would get angry at me when i would call for the clan at events.. Ph chronicles here.

http://pastebin.com/qwA02XdV

Fast forward to 2011 i decided to retire from ph and pass leadership responsibilities to others, i did the transition smoothly without hindering ph's warring or community capabilities, i remained retired till march 1st 2013 and thats when jagex released 07scape.. Instead of focusing on my theisis i began focusing on gaming, i'd play Runescape 07 everywhere.. From my phone while i was at work, at the gym at friends at my parents house am my apartment at the library at classes etc..Eventually that wore off for me and i began to play a lot less and then i needed to fill the gap again i needed something to fill that 'desire'.

So i began playing other games.. Eventually i quit Ph in September of 2013 for good and they closed a month or so later, odd enough everything i criticized for months and told them they were doing wrong and them not giving a slight fuck about anything to make the experience more worthwhile for the members.. They actually listened AFTER i left, i had already quit two times prior first i remained friendly neutral to them and repeated FA second i did again in 2013 and re did fa (each time they told me to just take back retired leader rank.. I wanted to prove myself, even though i had already established myself i still wanted to prove myself and compete with others)..

 The 3rd time i quit i flamed them, i insulted all of them. Every single one i wanted to quit gaming, i wanted to make sure i had no reason to ever come back to this game and they would never welcome me, i felt ashamed to explain this to them.

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Part 5) The awakening.

After i quit ph and Runescape all together, sealing 5 years of active duty for that clan i thought i'd quit gaming and begin focusing on my studies.. I didn't for the most part but it sure did increase, i simply remedied myself by playing another game (after i searched and searched.. I found the suitable game) called Cs-Portable which is a browser based games, from September till december 15th of 2013 i played that game daily.

Again i kept playing it ignoring all my real life duties and friends and family, i was lazy at my job and angry at myself all the time, ashamed and mad. Eventually that game became rampant with hackers and i wanted a change because it wasn't filling the fix anymore so i decided to fill the 'void' again.. I went back to Runescape and joined a different clan (first i waited for ph to fully close, so i wouldnt rejoin, they had to die first before i could come back) i joined Ancient fury and put massive effort into it.. Again putting almost my time and effort into the clan and neglecting certain issues.. But this time after a few months my gaming habit was urging me to get more out of it. Runescape wasn't cutting it.

I played many different games, even got a professional gaming laptop (which cost me 690$ :P), i began downloading all games (did i mention i bought an external GPU for my old laptop? thats how i gamed on it lol) nothing seemed to cut it..

Then in july i downloaded the free copy of Battlefield 3.. its fucking pathetic how these 3 months (minus august) had me spending every single minute playing BF3 none stop. i wanted to be the best, unlock everything.. First time i flew a jet i was utterly destroyed by september 14th i had every jet unlock (i think) and helicopter and would destroy anything in my path...

My laptop broke down in early august/end of july and was MIA for 20 +days.. you'd think i would of detoxed by then but no, i simply started playing minecraft on my iphone spending hours on it.. Building a castle..

During this 2 month period there was an on going war on gaza, i was supposed to study but i didn't.. I am neglecting everything i hate this, all my peers are exceeding me in academics and in their careers and am still far behind not because i try but because I DONT try.. i hate myself for that and want to change it, the gaza war deeply effected me and you can say my political side was suppressed for a few years after a few events now it 'awakened'.. i want to do so much more now.

The sad part about this? I did try to stop playing battlefield 3, each time i would delete it then a week or few days later i would get bored playing Runescape (i would simply log in then log out) and then need to fill in my desires.. No other game would cut it, so i would re-dl bf3.. repeat this 7 times over 3 months.

I knew i had a problem but i couldn't stop.. Now i just told myself to stop, no more gaming permanently and i am starting from my root cause - gaming in its self.

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part 5) Moving on.


Now that i am dedicated to quitting game, i will fight every urge and temptation to game, i want to leave Runescape permanently and i am thinking of selling my account (no idea how though lol).. Apart of me says no... DOnt leave.. just retire again like you did in 2008 and in 2011-2012.. you can still manage it - attend events only then log out when its over..

But knowing myself i know i'll just drag and start gaming again and drown in it then blame myself.. AM tired of hating my self i have to stop fully.. I have to detox and this is it.. This is the end.

I want:

A) To stop playing games forever. Forever. I will have to begin socializing, become more outgoing.. organize my life together. fill my life with new hobbies..

B) To get my shit together and stop feeling so bad/guilty.

C) To advance my academic, professional and political career, to help the Palestinian people.. Looking back at posts i made on various forums and contributions i did, protests i was beaten at.. Why the fuck am i sitting IDLE right now? These people need help i have to help them, i wanna do it in a way that actually helps.. First i gota detox and get my life back.

D) Live my life, i realize there is a massive war coming - i've seen the destruction of gaza first hand and the wars in Syria.. I've lived already through several wars and i am only 24 years old, i realize you could die at any minute or get beheaded by some extremists or beaten to death by others.. I dont wanna die in a way i feel like i wasted my life, i wanna 'accept death', no regrets no fears. For that i gota detach from gaming and reduce my internet waste of time habits.

E) Start taking drumming lessons, work out more than 2 times a week, prepare myself and my family for what's yet to come. Its obvious to me and very few people that our government here in israel is going to become much more authoritarian in the next 3-8 years and a genocide of all the defenseless arabs inside israel is something very possible that might happen in the next 12 or so years UNLESS drastic measures are taken, its insane how Israel is now exactly like full on fascist & Apartheid and they teach about such subjects in school and none of them realize they are oppressing millions of people and becoming more evil themselves.  I am deeply worried about this and everyone i speak to thinks am a conspiracy theorist talking about things that will never happen??? HELLLO??? The jews said the same thing in Germany, "Hitler is only speaking rhetoric, he doesn't mean it"??? they tried to escape and he chased and slaughtered all of them.. Why wait till shit hits the fan.


Thank god i dont use/have facebook or instagram the last thing i want is to become another smug on them.
Well that was it, this is my chronicles.. Cheers to a new beginning!

Am glad i got all of this out of my system!.