Salvage (Hanako, post-bad), Chapter 4: Fear No Evil

Morning. Early again. I somehow managed to get some sleep last night, even with all of the weekend's events: Lilly's facade of perfection melting away, Hanako's second outburst, the cruelty of my classmates, my complete inaction, Akira's insight and lecture... almost shoving the blame onto me. That action feels almost scummy, like she's only looking out for her sister. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that she's right.

None of this would be happening right now if not for me intruding on her moment of sorrow. She had set the day aside to lament, and I barged into a situation that she did not deem me worthy of seeing. So she fumed. And boiled. And directed it all at me.

/This is *your* battle, kid. Not mine. Not hers. *You* have to fight it./

And fight it I will. This girl means way too much to me to let go of so easily. Maybe I can go see her now... The clock says otherwise. It's too early, so I get to just lay here and let my restless mind brew.

I need another run.

Crawling out of bed and donning my workout clothes again, I head out the door and down to the school track. A familiar face is there to greet me, bouncing and bubbly as she always is. She doesn't know it, but just her attitude means a lot right now. “Morning again, Hisao!” Emi exclaims as I start stretching near the bleachers. She's a bit too excited to see me, probably just glad that I'm being 'looking out for my health' or something like that.

It takes a lot of effort to shoot a smile back at her. “Morning, Emi. Decided I'd come back for another go.”

“Actually working out or still a bit troubled?” Her concern is touching, but not necessary.

“I'd rather not talk about it.”

“Alright. I'll let you blow off your steam, then. None of my business.” She takes off in a slow jog, and I'm not far behind her. The run proceeds similarly to the ones in the past, and I take the laps steadily. A burning sensation creeps into my legs a bit into the second lap, but the pain feels oddly amazing. Coarsing adrenaline fuels my pounding footsteps, and I keep my eyes forward.

Emi catches up to me during the third lap, slowing for a quick chat. “Hisao, you okay?”

“Yeah... of course...” I pant. “Why do... you ask?”

“Your feet. They're hitting the ground really hard.” Suddenly, I'm aware of the sound they make as they strike the turf. I'm subconsciously pounding my frustration into the pavement, using it as an out for my troubles. “Yeah... I'm fine.”

She doesn't seem to be convinced, but goes along with my response and darts forward. I keep moving at the same steady pace, the force behind my feet not at all matching my speed. I came out here to run for the same reason as I always have: to cope. To find peace in a stressful situation. But it's not working this time. She's still there, in my head. Corrupting my thoughts, invading my mind, whatever you want to call it.

The weight of the world hits my shoulders, and I stumble somewhere between laps three and four. Quick thinking helps me break the fall with my hands, cushioning whatever impact might occur between the ground and my chest. The last thing I need now is a heart attack. I land on the track with a thud, my palms and kneecaps stinging from broken skin.

I'm lying there, face first, clenching my fists in anger. The bridge of my nose feels wet. I drive one balled up hand into the ground, then another, and another. If I can't pound out my emotion through my feet, then I'll keep doing it with my hands. I'll keep hitting this track until I can't feel anything anymore, if I have to.

The distinct sound of Emi's metal legs comes closer. “Hisao!” she cries, crouching to my level. “Hisao, what happened?”

“I fell,” I snap, my voice cracking. My eyes meet hers. They gleam with worry and empathy. “I fucking fell. And I failed. And now I have to fix it.”

“You... failed?” The look in her eyes shifts to determination, and I bury mine in the pavement. “Okay, spill it. Something's wrong, and you need to talk about it.”

“But what if I don't *want* to talk about it?” My tone is almost barking, and she seems taken aback.

“So you can lie there, beating the ground and bawling your eyes out? Just look at yourself.” I wish I could. I'm sure I would hate myself right now if I did.

But I do know that I'm desparate. I can't do this alone. Just like Lilly, I'm not strong enough.

“It's... Hanako. You've heard the stories right?”

She nods. “They're... they're not true, are they?”

“I don't know, but I do know why she's acting that way. I fucked up. Bad. And we tried to fix it, but only made it worse. And it's all up to me and...” I look up at her again. My eyes must be beet red at this point. “I can't. I just can't.”

She scowls at me in disappointment. “Bullshit, Hisao. You're stronger than that. I've seen it.” She offers her hand to pull me up. I take the offer this time, and she hoists my weight on her shoulder. “You've been out here trying to find an out, and that shows more strength than you know.” Does it? Does it not just show that I can't handle it on my own?

We start walking over to the bleachers, her carrying me the whole way. My knees still burn and bleed a bit. When we get to the bleachers, we each take a seat, and I spill the whole situation. Hanako's original outburst, Lilly's attempts to fix it, the events with Takashi in the classroom, even Akira's views on the matter. A silence lingers in the air for a moment as she processes what I've said. Then, she speaks again.

“I think you need to do what you think is right. Lilly's sister might want you to do it her way, but everyone does. Everyone expects things to be done their way. Whatever the case, I don't think you have to do this alone.” She smiles at me, her green eyes glimmering in the morning sun. “You have friends here. We'll help you.”

It's good to know that at least one person is on my side. My frustration dissipates a bit. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“No problem. Now go get yourself cleaned up. Don't want those scrapes to get infected.” I nod and take my leave as she darts off into more sprints. I wonder if she realizes how big of a deal her assurance was.

----------

The visit with Nurse today is as uneventful as last week. I elect to not tell him about the Hanako incident.

As I walk back to the dorms, I swear I can see an almost spectral figure leaving the back side. It heads toward the girls' dorm. Looks like someone got stuck here after curfew. If I were superstitious, I'd be wary of an omen or something like that.

The rest of the journey to my room is quiet. That is, until I start sticking my key into the lock on my door. A familiar voice greets me from behind. “Who's there? Come back to steal Hisao's intel, huh?! Well, I won't let you this time! En garde!”

Kenji produces a makeshift wooden katana and swings it wildly at me. Given how much force is behind each slice, it's a good thimg he's as blind as a bat. “Kenji! I *am* Hisao!”

“A likely story! You're just a feminist in disguise, trying to trick me. Well, it won't work! I'm the best there is!”

He attempts another chop. I grow tired of this, so I grab it midair. “Whoa,” he responds, bewildered. “Yeah, you're Hisao, all right. Only he could've single-handedly matched my skill.” The determination in his face melts into a friendly smile. “What's up, man? Where you been in the mornings?”

“Been running the past two. It's been good for me. Helps me... clear my head.”

That determined scowl again. “Clear your head? The hell's wrong with you?” And now paranoid fear, his voice almost screaming. “They brainwashed you, didn't they?” He leaps onto me, forcing me to the ground.

“I'm not brainwashed!”

“Only someone who's been brainwashed would say that! Don't worry, pal, I'll save you from their feminist charms!” I decide that it's easier to play along with whatever rituals he deems necessary, which include a backwards recitation of the Japanese alphabet, him beating on his chest like an ape, and various other nonsense.

Finally satisfied, he stands back up, smiling. “Whew, that was a close one. Glad I could save you, man. You're lucky to be alive.”

“Yeah, thanks... I, uh... I appreciate it.”

“No problem. Now, what was that about you running again?”

I make an effort to choose my words more carefully lately. “I've been worried about someone lately. It helps get her off my mind.” He appears inquisitive, almost wary. “Don't worry, she's not a feminist.” His expression calms again at my reassurance.

“Lady friend, I take it?”

“...kind of.”

He cracks his knuckles. “Alright, kid, let Uncle Kenji teach you all about his ways of wooing women.” Oh for the love of...

“If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you should follow your heart. If you wanna go after this girl, don't sit around waiting on her. Take some charge. Be a man. You'll get what you want. Chicks dig that, dude.”

I think he's misinterpreting the issue here, but I don't feel like arguing it. I thank him for the advice and start to open my door before he pipes up again. “Oh, one more thing. There was someone here earlier. Like five minutes before you got here. Haven't the foggiest who it was. So watch your back, they might be on your trail.”

“Noted. I'll keep my eyes peeled.” He nods approvingly and heads back into his room, the abundance of locks latching shut.

I walk into my own room, but stop when I hear a crumpling sound. Looking down, there's a sealed envelope sitting beneath my foot. I remove my foot just enough to see that it's addressed to me.

Who could be sending me a note right now? I pick up the envelope and smooth it out between my hands before opening. The contents are simple: just a slip of paper with some writing on it. I quickly notice the name at the bottom. “Hanako....”

Why would she send me a note? Was Akira right? Is she trying to beg for forgiveness, in some way? I start reading.

	Hisao,

	I'm writing this for a number of reasons. Too many to count, and I'm not sure you'd
	understand all of them.

	I'm afraid that what I've done to you and Lilly is simply unforgivable. I've hurt you
	both too much with my anger. I realize now that it was selfish of me to put all the
	blame on you that day in my room. I should have tried to tell you both sooner. That
	constant doting, that childish attitude... I just wanted to be an adult. To be treated
	like an equal. More than anything, I wanted you to see me the way you see Lilly: strong,
	confident, capable. If only I could turn back time and explain what I felt back then...
	Maybe we could have fixed the problem.

Just more of what we already knew. This is basically her bedroom rant in written form. But it seems... calmer. Like she's almost at peace with it, come to terms with what went wrong.

	But this is past fixing isn't it? Yesterday in the classroom... those boys were so cruel.
	I found out about the rumors. Of being called a psycho, a lunatic. It hurt. A lot more
	than I thought it would. I suppose I'm still sensitive to what people think of me, even
	after all this hardship. But what hurt the most? You didn't stand up. You always said you
	wanted to protect me... to keep me safe. And, in that moment, I wanted nothing more. Why
	didn't you?

I'm sorry, Hanako. I should've done something. But I was... afraid? Maybe of what people might think of me for standing up for someone they deemed crazy? I know that I can't be forgiven for sitting by so idly while a friend took her emotional lashing. Given a second chance, I'd change my decision in a heartbeat.

	I don't know what to do anymore, Hisao. I've shoved away my two best friends of my own
	accord. My own actions have caused this. Or, rather, my lack of action. Specifically,
	not explaining what I was feeling. There's plenty of blame to go around, but this is,
	ultimately, the crux of what went wrong. I've decided that I must be the one to pay the
	price.

I don't like where this is going.

	There's only way I know to right the wrongs that I've committed, to atone for my sins.
	I don't think you'll see me anymore. I hope you don't see me anymore. I certainly
	wouldn't want to.

Okay, I *really* don't like where this is going.

	I've been so useless to my friends, a detriment to their well-being for as long as I can
	remember. Lilly was the first one to show me otherwise, but even she was not immune to my
	problems. I've driven her away, just like everyone else. I had hoped my emotions would
	never get the better of me around her. Unfortunately, fate proved otherwise.

	So I must drift on. Beyond this world, and into the next. Hopefully, into a place where
	all are safe from me. Surely, now, you can see that. I hope that's justification
	enough. It makes sense to me. And that's all I care about anymore.

	May you live in peace.

	Hanako

No... This is... this is her suicide note. She's going to kill herself. Is it really going to come to that, to a life or death situation? Maybe we *have* driven her insane. She was so depressed in the classroom, even from what little I saw of her, and that was after days of cooling off. After she had decided that she was fit to try and enter the outside world again.

Why the hell am I sitting around? My actions yesterday may not be reversible, but I can still make a difference. I check my watch. Kenji said someone was here not five minutes ago. And there was that specter leaving the building... She wasn't here long ago.

There's still time. I have one last chance to fix this.

I pocket my phone and keys and rush out the door.

----------

It's still early. I managed to slip in and out of the boys' dormitory without being seen. Or at least, I think so. I didn't draw an enormous amount of attention if I was spotted.

I'm sitting at my desk, that familiar tension called fear hanging in the air. Am I really about to do this? I am. I have no reason to try otherwise. My rage has gotten the better of me with my two best friends, probably irreparably. I have hurt them more than should be possible. What more reason do I have to live?

Just one last time, I'll hurt them again. And then, never again.

A note lies in the center of my desk, typed up on my laptop screen. Most psychiatrists would call it a suicide note. It's closer to a stream of consciousness, my purest thoughts put into writing. Joyce would be proud of how cryptic it all sounds. Lilly's second doll is leaning against the computer, its shattered face reminding me of my motivation.

A lone razorblade also sits on my desk, sharpened and glistening in the morning sun. I pick it up and feel the edge with my fingers. How strange that something so small will be my end. I've done my research: up the river, not across the street. Just where to start the cut, at the base of my wrist and taking the blade up my forearm. I hope that's enough. If it's not... well, this will be a very unenjoyable process.

I set the broken doll in my lap. My finger reaches the tip of the blade, and a small nick starts to bleed right below my fingernail. The first drop of many to come. Yet one of the last ones to ever come.

I roll up the sleeve of my pink nightgown, tucking it at the shoulder to hold, and move the razor to my wrist. My hand is trembling. It's hard to keep steady with so much fear stirring in my head. Perhaps it will be easier if I make a horizontal cut to hold the blade in place. I turn the razor perpendicular to my arm and quickly drag it across my skin, biting my lower lip as I hiss in pain.

But it's not entirely painful. It's a release. The crimson falls from my cut, taking with it my sorrows, my tribulations, and... my hopes. I lift my arm and rest it on the desk, the underside facing toward me. Red droplets fall onto the lower half of my gown, reminding me that there is no going back now.

The razor finds its way back to my wrist. I place the tip inside the previous wound, aiming along the length of my arm. But this time, I'm not scared. For the first time in my life, I know what comes next. By no means am I a religious person, but one of the verses that Lilly always recited comes to mind. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me...” My whispers linger as I start making the next cut. The last cut.

It burns. My skin tears open, and the blood starts to gush. Instinctively, I reach for and clasp my arm. The feeling starts to subside, and numbness takes over. My breathing turns into gasping. Oxygen deficiency is starting to set in. Stains of red cover my gown and arm.

I can't feel my legs anymore. Affected by lack of oxygen, I lose my sense of balance and fall out of my chair. Strength is something I don't have right now, and I can't pick myself up.

So I just lie there.

Lost. Alone. As it should be.

Strings of blackness permeate my vision. The fear is long gone, but replaced by crushing sadness at my loneliness. Nothing left for me in this world, not a soul who will care if I leave them all behind. More relevant quotes. “And in the end, as the darkness takes me... I am nothing.” The words of Darth Malak were never so fitting.

My bedroom door flies open.

A man rushes in and falls to my broken body, surveying the situation. His head looks up in the direction of my desk, and he reaches the obvious conclusion.

I can barely make out his face through my failing eyes. But it's enough to make me smile.

He came.

Darkness.

----------

I reach for the handle of Hanako's door and twist, throwing it open. She's there, lying on the floor in a crumpled mess. Rushing to her side, I catch a glimpse of the contents of her desk: a laptop with some note written on it and a blood-stained razor blade. The wound in her forearm is still fresh.

Her eyes are still open, and she seems to react to my presence. A thin smile. She's... she's happy to see me? Regardless, it means that I'm not too late; there's still time to save her.

First things first. I clamp my left hand a couple inches above the incision along her arm, trying to cut off the blood supply. My right hand flips open my phone and dials the number for emergency services.

...
...

A woman comes on the line. “119, what's your emergency?”

“My friend is bleeding really badly! I need an ambulance here ASAP!” I try to keep as few details from her as possible, only granting the necessary information. I give her my location and the woman assures me an ambulance will be there shortly. Just for insurance, I call Nurse as well.

...
...

“She *what*?!”

“She tried to kill herself. Now get someone over here!”

“On it. You've got paramedics on the way.”

My heart starts racing from the constant excitement. I'm really not sure what the proper treatment is here. Still, I need help. Wait, she's right across the hall. I rush over and throw her door open, not bothering to knock. Given the circumstances, I think she'll forgive my rudeness.

“Lilly! I need you!”

She's laying on her bed in her pajamas, a braille book in her lap. The startled, almost embarassed look on her face persists. “Hisao? What's wrong?”

“It's Hanako. Too little time to explain. If you have anything we can use to stifle massive bleeding, bring it, and hurry!” She leaps from her bed, understanding instantly and digging through the contents of her closet for anything we can use. Her face lights up when she finds something, and she pulls out a set of winter scarves. “They'll be ruined, but it's worth it.”

She links her arm in mine and I guide us back to the opposite room, over to Hanako's frame. The blood has started to pour again, stains forming on the carpet. A sniffle comes from my blind aid. “There's... there's a lot of blood, isn't there?” Now's really not the time for a weak stomach.

“Yeah.” She takes a seat on the floor, managing to avoid a small red puddle, and hands me the first scarf as she strokes the face of the fallen. Her words are quiet, serene. “Hanako... how did you... why did you...?”

*Thump thump*

My heart's starting to beat furiously, but nothing bad enough that I can't control just yet. I tie the scarf into a knot at the shoulder. Lilly finds something she didn't expect next to her old friend's face: a porcelain doll, with blonde hair and a shattered face. “Hisao, which doll is this?”

“The blonde one. From this year.” She whimpers a bit as she feels its contours and discovers the broken portion. Did Hanako take it to that extreme, that even a blonde-haired doll reminded her enough of Lilly to destroy it?

I decide to change the subject. “She did this right, that's for sure.” Yeah, that was *very* smooth. She doesn't respond, thankfully. I can just tell myself that she wasn't paying attention.

The second scarf goes just a few inches above her elbow, where the gash stops. I'm working as quickly as I can. Every second counts.

*Thump thump*

As she hands me the third scarf, I can feel my pulse quickening again. Please, god, not now.

I grip my chest and start groaning. Lilly takes note. “Hisao, what's wrong?”

*Thump thump*

Erratic beats pump blood through my veins.

*Thump thump*

Pain shoots through my arms and legs, like needles pricking my skin from the inside.

*Thump-ump thump*

My whole body feels cold and numb.

*Th-thump thump THUMP thu-*

My vision begins to fade as I fall next to Hanako with a thud, gasping for air and trying desperately to calm myself. Lilly leans over me, screaming. How ironic... that this happens now....

Her cries of terror fill the room. And likely the hallway. More people will be here soon, now. The secret will be out. Heh, maybe I'll be hailed as a hero. I might have saved a life today. I just hope that it stays saved. That, when she wakes up, she'll understand how much I...

Just before the last part of my eyes goes black, I can see more people rushing in. Their white garments look almost divine.

I'm not superstitious. But in that single moment, I think I might have just believed in guardian angels.