OP's TP

> Me, 17.
> At friend's house, playing video games and hanging out
> Have to shit really bad
> It's taco bell shits.
> The kind that are really greasy, and takes forever to wipe
> Like, 16 ft. of TP and leaving streaks the whole way through
> Say BRB and hit the bathroom
> Start releasing the colon-ctuhlhu a fraction of a sec before my ass ham-slapped the toilet seat
> Sweet relief.
> Reach for TP, saw roll was all used up.
> Look around. no TP. Anywhere.
> Stranded on the 1st floor of his house without a single square.
> Too awkward to yell for help
> Look around for alternative wipe ammo
> 2 things:
> His dad's new car mag
> And his mom's bible
    > Faced with an ultimatum
    > Dad's huge, loves cars, and prone to aggressiveness
    > Mom's a sweet lady, very small and soft-spoken, would feel heavy bad if I did that to her
    > Dad could kick my ass
    > Also, doesn't give a damn about religion
> I rip a few pages from the middle of the old testament
> Christians don't read that shit
> Paper is thin, getting lots of papercuts in my ass crack
> 10 pages later, I'm clean
> Pulling up pants when a seond wave hit
> Don't even have time to flush toilet
> Poo lasagna mode engaged
> After 3rd round, I sat for another 20 min just to make sure everything was out
> By now my friend is outside the door asking if I'm OK
> Just say I'll be out in a few, just passing some used burritos
> Clean myself up for the 4th and final time
> By now, about 1/4 of the old testament was noticeably gone
> Toilet has more in it than his plumbing can handle
> After 3rd round, I sat for another 20 min just to make sure everything was out
> By now my friend is outside the door asking if I'm OK
> Just say I'll be out in a few, just passing some used burritos
> Clean myself up for the 4th and final time
> By now, about 1/4 of the old testament was noticeably gone
> Toilet has more in it than his plumbing can handle
> Have to act fast, he's outside the door
> Tried plunging, but there's too much paper
> This time I make sure there's some antibacterial soap by the sink
> Hands can be washed
> Roll up sleeves and reach into toilet to start hand-pulping the solid mass
> as I'm on my knees processing the Purina Romney Chow…
> I notice the full roll of toilet paper that was sitting on the toilet backing the whole time
> wtfdidijustdo.jpg
> flush toilet with elbow, starts over flowing
> half-pages of old testament smeared with shit scattering across the floor
> rip the lid off the tower desperately trying to unstick the cheap-ass plumbing
> tank empties and something I did fucked it up
> Toilet starts making really loud gurgly chainsaw sound
> Friend starts pounding on door yelling, what am i doing
> Over the span of 40 seconds, the sound gets louder and deeper
> turns into a grinding sound wearing down, then stops
> whole time in shock with my shit covered hands on my forehead
> friend kicks down door, yelling.
> Stops mid sentence, staring at me
> I'm wide eyed, smeared with shit on my face and hands
> there's some on my jeans
> heavily brown tinted water and soggy pages of old testament coating the floor
> mom's bible sitting forgotten on floor, soaked with shit water
> By now, I hear his parent's footsteps coming down the hall
> Friend is standing there staring, doesn't know what to do
> His mom comes in, shocked, starts tearing up and whimpering a bit
> "My grandmother gave me that bible a month before she died of cancer"
> His dad comes in a few seconds later
> Shocked, but sees the bible pages and starts laughing
> Starts walking away, still laughing
> He screams at the end of the hall way
> "Anon, you are FUCKED"
> Friend's mom starts wailing and crying
> "Why did you do that, anon?"
> Over and over, hysterical
> I start crying too, but I look like a pissed off baboon when I cry
> She thinks I'm sneering at her and walks away crying harder
> I hear his dad cracking a beer in the kitchen
> I turn to friend and say "look, I can--"
> Punched me in the face, cheekbone stinging
> Grabs me by the hood of my jacket and forces me out of his house
> See his mom bawling and picking up a phone as we pass
> Out on street, a mile from my house, no ride, covered in shit and paper
> I start walking back to my house
> 30 min later, a lady stops and asks if I need a ride, I get in
> Lady starts driving
> Get self conscious about the shit drying on me
> She's making small talk
> A minute later she smells the shit stank and looks at me
> She pulls over to the side hard, my head hits the window
> She starts screaming at me in Chinese, gesturing for me to get out
> Yeah, she was asian, but she had perfect new englad accent, surprised the shit out of me
> Get out of car
> Later, a fat guy in a pickup truck asked where I was going
> Offered to let me hop in the cargo bed
> Get ride home
> Sneak past parents and take shower
> Try to call friend over and over to explain myself, no answer
> 4th try, my friend answered and screamed at me to stop, then hung up
> Over next week, I notice neighbors and classmates looking at me a lot
> Start hearing "mom hater", "satan boy" and "Ass Testament" behind my back
> Nicknames spread through school like wild fire
> Younger kids I've never talked to and barely ever looked at coming up to me and saying them to my face
> One of my closest female friends who is christian got distant and eventually stopped talking with me
> Story gets to the teachers, a few days later I get called into principal's office
> Superintendant is there
> Tells me they're expelling me for "gross ridicule of religious beliefs"
> Mom and dad find out
> Mom starts acting weird around me
> More tense, looks at me a lot
> Feels like she thinks she doesn't know me
> Dad thinks I'm just being deviant and I need strict structure and reform
> 2 hours later, he's on the phone with and army recruiter, volunteering me for boot camp
> Fast forward to bootcamp
> It's alright at first
> First couple days were sore but a few days in, my body starts going with it
> One day, I get a package from some anon's at my old school
> It was a stack of pictures of me, photoshopped to look like I was wiping my ass with a bible
> On the back of each picture there's a nickname
> Overly curious guy comes over and takes them from me
> A few minutes later whole barracks is sharing the pictures and laughing their asses off
> A couple of them even found out my friend's email and asked for the story
> Later, I notice one of the other guys looking at me a lot
> I find out he comes from an ultra-conservative family and he hates me for what I did
> He bumps into me later and I try to make small talk
> When no one else was listening, he told me that if we were ever in combat, he would shoot me and say it was arabs
> Start noticing the drill seargents singling me out
> One day we start training with live ammo

> Day of training with live ammo, go to bathroom in the morning
> Barely notice everyone is watching me
> On toilet, realize that all the paper's been removed, and there's nothing in the room except for a bible
> Start yelling, get laughter in response
> everyone goes to training, leaves me there
> fuck no.jpg
> I start ripping pages from that motherfucker and wiping like no tomorrow
> Paper cuts make my anus bleed
> Blood starts dripping everywhere, can't put on uniform without staining it
> Rip out a stack of pages and roll them up, put it in my crack like a hotdog in a bun
> Ripped out some more pages and fashioned myself a makeshift King James diaper
> Wear it under uniform
> Audibly crinkly, but I'm going to be late for training
> Hope we're shooting again
> Turns out to be marching in formation before weapons training
> 10 minutes in the drill sergeant notices the sound

> Drill sargeant makes us stop and asks who is reading the paper
> The guys start looking at me
> Drill sergeant makes me jog in place
> Loud crinkling
> Asks what the hell that sound is
> Throat closes, can't answer
> Orders me to drop my pants
> King James Diaper exposed to the world
> He swears low, and tells me to run 200 laps around the boot camp
> No choice, do it
> Half an hour later, I'm running through the less visible wooded side of the camp
> None other than mr. Jesus Avenger, who said he would kill me if he could get away with it, pops out from behind a bush
> He's got a bottle of jack daniels in one hand and a handgun in another
> Smacks me in the face with the bottle and shoots me in the foot
> Pours bottle over my face and in my mouth while I was screaming
> Runs away
> Drill Sergeant comes looking for me
> Incident gets logged and investigated
> Turns out Jesus boy fed them a bullshit story
> Said I've been harassing him about his religion
> and mocking him by defacing his bible
> I get discharged for religious intolerance, drinking, and recklessness
> Found out later he only got a formal warning about going AWOL in the army
> Move back in with parents
> Dad's disappointed in me and mom won't talk to me
> Start putting out job applications
> My name and story have spread, and no business around town wanted anything to do with me
> A month later, dad thinks I'm a bum and haven't been looking for a job
> Kicks me out
> Homeless, I start drifting.
> This was probably the worst point in my life, but it gets better from here
> Become a vagrant for 2 years
> Dehumanizing and disgusting at first
> Got food from homeless programs during the day
> Went drifter and started going town to town on foot
> Eventually, digging through garbage when I got hungry at night
> First winter, I met and became friends with 2 other drifters
> They're names were Bub and Shaky.
> He's called Shaky because he drank so much it fucked his motor functions
> Bub's girlfriend died of a heroin overdose 3 months before
> Met them under a bridge on the outside of town
> We traveled together and kept each other company
> Wake up in the middle of the night once to a weird sound
> Saw they were sucking each other's dicks
> notonetojudge.jpg
> Go back to sleep
> A month later, they tried to kill me

> Bub, Shaky and I were walking through a town one day
> See a $50.00 bill
> We're all thinking "booze!"
> I want Jim Beam, but shaky's an alcoholic
> Wants as much cheap 6.00 vodka as 50 can get
> Fuck you, I found it
> Bub comes at me with a half pair of scissors
> out of fucking nowhere
> He stabs me twice in the leg, grabs the money
> Dirty ass pals run away
> Never see them again
> 3 days later get a fever from infection
> Collapse on somebody's stoop for a few hours
> Pus from the wounds seeping through my torn dirty jeans
> A cop pulls up and tells me to keep walking
> Try to stand up, leg hurts too much
> Cop comes over and yanks me to my feet
> Yells "get moving"
> Throws me forward, I grab my leg in pain
> Wounds are open and bleeding again
> Cop finally sees my condition
> He takes me to the homeless shelter the next town over
> Doesn't say a word to me the whole way
> At shelter, a cute redhead comes in with a first aid kit and a box of gloves
> She seemed upbeat and genuinely sorry about my wounds
> First time being treated like a human by a female in a long time
> Sprout boner, throbbing in pants
> She sees, vague look of disgust flashes over her face
> I feel bad and apologize
> She laughs nervously and treats my wounds
> Gives me a tube of topical antibiotic
> Tells me it won't get me high and is only worth a couple bucks
> So much for being treated like human
> After a couple days the wounds start to heal
> Shelter gives the boot, and I get back to drifting
> Fast forward a few months and it's winter
> Wandering through a new, more urban town, it's 1:00 AM
> Roads are empty
> Found a winter jacket just my size in a goodwill donation bin
> Walking along, I see a lady on a corner
> I know she's a hooker, but she's barely wearing anything
> It's freezing out, she's shivering
> I go up to her and say hi
> She asks if I got cash - no
> Tells me to fuck off, sounds tired
> Offer my jacket, she looks at me strange for a few seconds
> Says she can't cover up on the job
> Thanks me anyways and smiles
> She's not all that skanky looking
> A little worn, but there was still a spark of dignity
> I stayed and made small talk with her
> keep her mind off the cold
> Around 3 AM a dirty Pontiac pulls up
> Heavy set latin guy at the wheel, screams for Denise
> Her name was Denise
> Gives me the thousand yard stare and asks if I'm a customer
> I say no, he tells me to fuck off
> As I walk away, he starts smacking her and asking who I was
> Throws her in the car
> Wonder about her all day
> Sleep in vacant ally
> The next night, I came back to that corner and she was there
> She had a black eye, and was counting bills on the sly
> Cautious at first, she says Sam will cut us both up if he sees me again
> I tell her I'm passing through
> Sit behind a box in the alley behind her out of sight
> We talk all night, between customers
> Almost 3, she tells me to get lost before Sam comes around
> I take off
> It goes on like this for almost a month
> We form a bond, we're friends
> The drifter and the hooker
> She jokes that there should be a kids show based on us
> One day Sam came rolling up in his pontiac a few hours early
> Sam pinned me against the wall and pointed a gun at me
> Asked calmly who I was
> I'm anon, just a drifter
> Try to tell him I'm only friends with Denise
> He's got 2 guys with him, they search me for swindled money
> There is non
> He figures I'm not scoring free poon, I'm too filthy
> Drops me, kicks me, and tells me to fuck off
> Says I'm tainting the product
> Says he'll shoot me if he sees me there again
> I dropped in on Denise the next night for only 20 seconds
> I said good bye and walked away
> I never saw her again
> A week later I'm on the edge of the urban side of town eating a can of tuna
> I see Sam's pontiac driving towards me
> I duck into an alley, and he stops the car
> I hear several people behind me, running
> They catch up and tackle me
> I roll over, Sam's staring at me, breathing real heavy
> He pulls out a gun and sits on a crate
> Lights a cigarette, and catches his breath
> Eyes locked whole time
> Finally he says something
> "Denise is the only reason I'm not killing you today"
> Turns out she made up a bunch of shit to not get me killed
> Among those claims are "expert smuggler looking for work
> Told him I was around all the time, I'm that sneaky
> My mind shits itself a little bit when he asks me if I want to make 2 grand
> Hell yes
> Gives me a bubble wrap manilla folder and told me to take it to the other side of town
> Didn't trust his guys to not get shot
> Told me he'd kill me on the spot if I refused
> Naturally, I accepted
> Told me if I don't go through with it he'd kill Denise
> I told him I would do it
> Gives me folded napkin with an address and "Yellow Beatle" written on it
> I GTFO
> When I get to the address there's 2 chinese guys sitting in a beatle.
> I go up to the window
> One sees me, pulls out a gun
> I stop and pull the envelope out of my coat
> Window rolls down
> I hand him the package and walk away
> A few blocks down, I hear yelling and tires burning out
> Turn around, the beetle is rushing at me
> Passenger with gun pointed out the window
> I hit the ground as they drive past, then tuck down a side road
> After a while, I think I lost them
> Walking over bridge over river, gonna hide out until I know they're gone
> Halfway across the bridge the beatle reappears
> I try to run, but get a bullet in the leg
> Car stops, asian guy gets out
> Nobody else around
> Picks me up by collar, but it rips
> Grabs me by the neck and shoots me twice in the stomach
> Throws me over the rail
> OHSHITOHSHIT is the only thing in my mind as I hit the icy water 10 feet below
> I remember floating downstream, into the wilderness flanking the urbanized town
> Trying desperately to stay afloat
> I got really tired and weak, lost feeling in my arms and legs bumping against rocks
> Last thing I saw was a dot of light onshore, ahead
> Wake up.
> I'm covered in a brown fleece blanket right next to a roaring fire
> I stand up. My worn clothes are hanging from a stick, drying
> There's a pair of damp moccasins by the fire, drying
> I look around in a daze. I hear the river rushing a few yards away
> There's a fucking teepee pitched under an oak tree
> And a fucking indian standing outside of it, smoking pot
> I try to get up, he tells me to lay and get warm or I'll die
> I lay back down and fall asleep
> A few seconds later, he's shaking me awake
> Tells me it's dangerous to go to sleep that cold
> Turns out the indian, this balding middle aged guy with pot and glasses, is named Hector.
> Hector tells me he's making a spiritual journey on foot to Arizona
> He's full Navajo and wants to meet his relatives in a reserve
> Asks if I want to join him
> Say yes, free pot
> We spent the next 6 months walking to Arizona.
> At first, I took him for a guy in a midlife crisis, but as we traveled, we bonded
> Taught me how to hunt and fish, and keep myself clean in the wilderness
> How to craft my own clothes and supplies from the fat of the land
> Once we got to the desert regions, he taught me how to survive like a navajo
> He came from a U.S. background, but he's definitely done his research
> One day, we found a peyote plant
> He was really happy, and asked if I wanted the spiritual awakening from his people
> Bastard got all mystic on me and told me I would find my spirit guide
> In the moment, I agree
> Being high on peyote was the most surreal thing I've ever experience
> Strange, soothing sounds all around
> Time and space keep rearranging themselves
> I see a temple made out of eyes
> A fox tapped me on the shoulder then ran inside
> I followed
> There's a human figure made out of water standing next to me
> We walk the same and moved the same
> In the temple there was a roll of toilet paper
> My mind went into this weird, highly perceptive loop
> Weird moment of clarity in the insanity forming all around me
> I realize in this moment the strange nature of life
> A spiral of events, spurred by a single missed roll of toilet paper
> This is fucking insane
> I'm doing peyote in the desert with a drug-addict native american because of TP
> What the hell happened
> The rest of the high was an ocean of blurred images and colors
> Forgot my revelation until much later
> The next day, we reach the reserve

> When we walked into the reserve, we got funny looks
> Half-native outsider with a scruffy white guy
> Apprehension begins to fade once we introduced ourselves to a group of elders outside a trailer
> It's sunset, there's a cool breeze blowing
> There's a smattering of Hogans and decorated trailers throughout the reserve
> They let us stay, if we told our stories
> Hector told his; he was a technician in a medium town yearning for his roots
> I told my story, and they laughed
> We stayed the night
> Then the next night
> Nights turn to weeks, to months
> It's weird being accepted after all this
> When we first arrived and got the full affect of the reserve, I don't think it was entirely what Hector was expecting
> He was looking forward to nature and mysticism. The reserve has modernized a bit
> There was Navajo artwork, food, and stories, but we had cable TV, internet, and plumbing
> He was a bit disappointed, but reconciled
> Tells me "if you're going to chase your dreams, you have to be ready for disappointment"
> The people are nice
> Let us stay
> Eventually I get a job in a nearby town, call center
> Started taking community college classes online for IT
> Studying A+ certification
> Get a job with a tech firm, on salary 26,000 a year starting
>During my stay at the reserve and subsuquent success, I caught the interest of a native girl my age
> Her name's Marissa
> Save money, decide it's time to leave
> I donate a few thousand to the reserve as a thank you
> Get airline ticket back to my hometown, where Marissa and I had an apartment and jobs lined up
> Looking forward to seeing my parents
> Planning surprise visit
> Look out window, watching the country fly by below me
> Clear sky
> Remember back on how I walked across the land
> Not mad about anything
> Happy and amazed at how things turned out
> Settling into apartment and job
> I'm clean cut and wearing a suit
> Go back to my parent's old house
> Mom answers the door, looks at me for a few seconds
> Faints
> When she came to, she started crying and hugging and kissing me
> My dad couldn't even believe I was really there
> Dad sheds tears - first time in my life I've ever seen him do that
> A million apologies and excuses
> Said that a few days after he kicked me out he had a change of heart
> Couldn't find me
> 2 years later, thought I was dead
> One of the happiest moments of my life
> Had another moment of happiness 3 weeks later at work
> Three weeks later, I'm at work, working on a queue of PC repairs
> Notice the name attached to one machine labeled "Bad RAM"
> The name is of my old friend, the one who's house this started in
> I replace the RAM, and boot it up
> Proxy string a bunch of CP, beast and other nasty depravities onto his HDD
> Hide the folder, power down, repackage
> Later, I do some research and find he's now minister of a local church
> Evil smile
> Place a phone call to the authorities, informing them of what I found
> Next day, his mug shot is in the paper
> Find out he's going to prison, excommunicated from church, and his wife and kids are leaving him
> Kids going to child psychologist to see if he touched them
> His life falls to shit
> He never finds out who did it to him, witness protection
> The vicious nature of life comes full circle, bitch.