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- >Day Finger Lickin in Equestria
- >It's been a little while since you arrived, but things are finally settling into a comfy routine
- >Wake up, do some work around town, meet with ponies, come home, sleep
- >The best part is that you don't have to live in the castle with Princess Stick-Up-My-Butt
- >Instead, you get
- >"Anooooon!"
- >A minty pony gallops into the kitchen, grinning up at you.
- >You reach down and ruffle Lyra's mane, being cautious of her horn.
- "Morning Freshness."
- >The unicorn mare giggles and pushes her head firmer into your palm.
- >"Good morning to you too, monkey man!"
- >She lingers for a little while longer, looking supremely disappointed when you withdraw your hand, but trotting over to the table.
- >Lyra's a good sort, if a little weird, but certainly the best company you could ask for.
- >She's interested in the history of your world, and has the time to listen and record all sorts of things.
- >Apparently it's going to be a report to the head honcho, Celesia.
- >Lyra thinks she could stretch it into a book though...
- >That'd be dope.
- >Pouring the oatmeal into two bowls, you walk over to the table and give one to Lyra.
- >She doesn't waste any time before digging in, slurping noisily while you do your best to keep your spoon from clattering around too much.
- >"Stoh Ahnon?"
- >You raise an eyebrow as Lyra gulps down another mouthful.
- >"We've talked a little about humans and how they interact with each other, but what about males and females together?"
- >This again?
- >As your face colors, the minty mare leans closer and grins at you.
- >"What kind of dirty things do you primates do to each other in intimate moments?"
- >Annnd there it is.
- >The eyebrow wiggle.
- >Ugh.
- >Bringing a hand to your cheek, you sigh and stare at her.
- "I know you're interested, but every day?"
- >Lyra doesn't blink.
- "Every day you ask me some variation of that question."
- >Not even a twitch.
- "It's really awkward you know."
- >Still as stone.
- "...Cut that out."
- >Eternal.
- "Seriously."
- >Forever.
- "AGH!"
- >You flinch first, earning a delighted laugh from Lyra as she bounces in her seat.
- >"C'mon human, tell me what sorts of nasty courtship rituals you all have!"
- >Rolling your eyes, you grab another spoonful of oatmeal and shrug.
- "I don't know, most couples start out by holding hands and then-"
- >CLATTER!
- >Turning away from the bubbling brew in your spoon, you see the mint pony gawking at you.
- >Her body heaves as her eyes flit between yours hand and your face, her cheeks coloring as she struggles for air.
- >"H-hand holding?"
- "Uh, yeah?"
- >She gulps.
- >"How, how does that work, exactly?"
- >What is she-
- >Ah, right.
- >Hooves.
- >Placing your spoon back in the bowl, you lift both of your hands in front of her and awkwardly bring them together.
- "Um, well, you can hold them like this, with the fingers resting against the space between the thumb and index finger."
- >Lyra nods, magicking over a notepad and pen, scribbling furiously.
- >"Mhmm, fascinating. Hold that for a moment, I want to draw a picture."
- >Scribble.
- >Scribble-scribble.
- >She seems somewhat relieved as she works, before nodding for you to continue.
- "Or, I guess if you're really familiar with each other, you can do it like this, with the fingers entwined and-"
- >THUD!
- >The pages of the fallen notepad curl up a little in the breeze that floats through the house.
- >The pen in Lyra's telekinetic grip bends unnaturally as she stares at your hands.
- >"Just, just like that?"
- "Well, yeah."
- >"But, that's so... lewd. Look at how much skin you're touching!"
- >You blink in confusion as Lyra leans over the table for a better look.
- >"I-I mean I guess I understand, humans are intimate creatures right? Touch is a big part of mating rituals but... this, this is how copulation begins?"
- >Copu-
- "What? No!"
- >The unicorn mare slinks back in her seat as you snap at her.
- >"But, mating rituals..."
- "No, this isn't like that!"
- >Releasing your hands, you rub your forehead and sigh.
- "No, see, this is more like, courtship. It's the kind of things that couples do when they're getting to know each other."
- >After a moment, realization seems to settle in across Lyra's face.
- >She nods, picking up the notepad again and writing with the now L-shaped pen.
- >"Yes, of course. How silly of me. Touch conveys all sorts of feelings, it's only natural that young lovers would want to do it in private."
- >Ugh, this mare.
- "Yes, that's right. Hand holding is important to building relationships and letting people get to know each other. It's also a sign of affection, and lets other humans know that two people are together when they're out in public, so th-"
- >SNAP!
- >Oh for...
- >The beady eyed equine's jaw drops.
- >"P-P-P-PUBLIC!? You hold hands in PUBLIC!?"
- "Yes, why wouldn't we?"
- >"L-lewd!"
- >The flustered filly fans herself with a hoof as she shakes her head.
- >"That's so lewd I can't, I can't even stand it!"
- >Groaning, you put your palms on the table and get to your feet.
- "Lyra stop it! There's absolutely nothing wrong with holding hands in public!"
- >At once, Lyra's eyes glaze over.
- >The mare swoons and falls out of her seat, hitting the floor with an unwritten sound effect.
- >Standing in the dining room, you rub at the back of your neck and sigh.
- "Culture shock is a hell of a thing."
- >It's not like you haven't had similar reactions to some of the things the ponies do.
- >Like when that drunk purple one tried presenting to you... ugh.
- >Still, even the little things get your observer worked up.
- >Whatever.
- >She'll be fine.
- >Finishing your breakfast, you drop both bowls in the sink and fill them with water before heading out for your daily tasks.
- >
- >
- >
- >As you're wrapping up with a meet-and-greet in the town square that afternoon, you hear Lyra's voice call out to you.
- >"Anooon!"
- >You turn and smile.
- >She's back on her feet
- >Hooves
- >Whatever
- >At least, galloping towards you with a broad smile.
- "Hey Freshness, good timing."
- >Waving to the last pony, you sit on the lip of the fountain and reach down to ruffle Lyra's mane.
- >She giggles, pushing herself into your palm, as usual.
- >After a moment, you pull back your hand and give her a smile.
- "Feeling better?"
- >The unicorn bobs her head.
- >"Mm, much. Sorry that your courtship rituals caught me off guard this morning. I mean, I asked for them and all and then I went and made a big deal out of it."
- >You wave your hand and smile.
- "Nah, don't worry, these things happen. Ready to head back?"
- >The minty mare scrunches her muzzle and gives you a cautious look.
- >"N-not exactly. See, I was thinking about what we talked about this morning and thought that maybe you're right."
- "Ly, we've been over this."
- >You give a small groan.
- "It's no big."
- >"Right, right! But, I thought that, maybe, you know..."
- >Lyra taps a hoof against the ground.
- >"Maybe it would be best to experience hand holding for myself, in order to understand it."
- >Wut.
- >A wry smile crosses your lips as you look down at her.
- "Well, yeah, I guess that's right, but you seem to be lacking something necessary for the process in the first place."
- >Lifting your hand, you wriggle your fingers in front of her.
- "So, that's out of the question."
- >"Not exactly!"
- >Her bright eyes sparkle.
- >"See, there's this spell that I can do. Well, I think I can do it, it's pretty simple. But, it lets me, you know, mimic something."
- >Wut?
- >Taking your blank stare as an invitation, she continues.
- >"Well, it's more like a copy. So, I could, you know, copy your hand. And then you could hold it."
- >That's...
- "That's really weird, Ly."
- >She gives a whimper of protest.
- >"C'mon Anooon! I wanna try holding hands! Don't you miss it?"
- >Miss it?
- >What kind of question is th-
- >Wait.
- >Contact.
- >Real-
- >Okay, mostly-real
- >Human contact.
- >Skin to skin.
- >That's what she's offering you.
- >You gulp.
- "You, uh, you think you can manage that, maybe?"
- >Lyra bobs her head.
- >"Ab-sill-outely.
- >...
- >Aw what the hell.
- >You hold out your right hand and Lyra offers up and excited squeal.
- >"Okay, okay, hold still!"
- >She scrunches and glares at your palm.
- >A gentle, tingling feeling, similar to pins and needles, surrounds your hand to the wrist.
- >After a moment, it fades, and Lyra relaxes.
- >But as she smiles up at you, a thought occurs.
- "Hey, Ly?"
- >"Hmm?"
- "Where does the hand appear, anyway?"
- >The minty mare frowns, cocking her head to the side.
- >"Well, I don't really..."
- >Bulge.
- >Her words are cut off as her horn seems to swell before your eyes.
- >Even Lyra takes notice, struggling to see what's happening.
- >Her horn swells again, growing larger and fatter.
- >The pointy tip smooths out as it grows, forming a familiar shape after several seconds.
- >A finger.
- >A middle-finger.
- >...Lyra is giving you the bird.
- >The two of you gawk, along with some of the other residents in the area as the hand begins to take on a more definite shape, splitting into a proper five-fingered copy of your own right hand.
- >The creases settle into the palm of the minty appendage before Lyra finally finds her voice.
- >"Wh... Wh..."
- >Or not.
- >Gulping, you try to defuse the situation.
- "Ly, listen, it's okay. Everything's fine. We just-"
- >"WOOOOAH!"
- >The mare squeals, running around in small circles at your feet.
- >"ANOOON! DID YOU SEE? DID YOU SEE? The spell totally works! Lookit!"
- >Scrunching her face in different directions, Lyra manages to make the digits move on their own, laughing all the while.
- >"I can feel it! Oh wow, this is amazing!"
- >Huh.
- >She's taking this detour into body horror better than you are...
- >Clenching her hand-horn into fist, Lyra looks up at you.
- >"Okay, onto stage two."
- >Wait, what?
- >"Anon."
- >She grins, opening her palm.
- >"Take my hand."
- >Glancing around, you become abundantly aware of exactly how many ponies are staring at you now.
- >It's got to be at least thirty.
- "Ly... uh, don't you think that, maybe, we've had enough adventures for one day? Shouldn't we get back and, uh, counterspell?"
- >The mare shakes her head.
- >Somehow she's also managed to master the finger waggle in the past ninety seconds.
- >"No, no! I want the human experience, so I want us to walk back, hand-in-hand."
- >Are you...
- >Ugh.
- >Whatever.
- >Gulping, you reach your hand out, fingers trembling and move to grasp the faux-hand.
- >Lyra grins and spreads her fingers.
- >"No. Not like that. Entwined."
- >...ugh.
- >Taking a deep breath, you slide your fingers into hers until your palms press together.
- >Lyra's digits descend upon yours, locking them in place before grinning up at you and giving a small tug in the direction of her house.
- >You have no choice but to follow.
- >The happy mare bops along, entirely unaware of the ponies staring at the two of you.
- >But you are.
- >They gawk.
- >They grimace.
- >They glare.
- >Sweat pours down the back of your neck as they begin to whisper to one another.
- >Oh please.
- >Someone.
- >Anyone.
- >Let this nightmare end...
- >
- >
- >
- "And that's exactly as it happened, your honor."
- >You stand in front of an older, red-headed mare with a gavel.
- >She sneers down at you and shakes her head.
- >"So, you admit to engaging in this... activity in the sight of the town?"
- "Yes, your honor."
- >"In front of a half-dozen foals no less!?"
- >You wince and tap your foot against the ground.
- "Yes, your honor."
- >The courtroom rumbles in disapproval as the judge sits back in her seat.
- >"Such a distasteful action. Have you no shame?"
- >You remain silent.
- >Apparently, hand holding is a really big deal in Equestria...
- >Sighing, the judge shakes her head.
- >"Well then, Mister Anonymous, I'm afraid that I have no other recourse but to find you guilty of public indecency, corrupting minors, and willfully engaging in assault against common decency."
- >You sigh again as the crowd erupts into a hubbub.
- >At the prosecuting bench, Princess Twilight fixes you with a dark glare.
- >Worst pony, for real.
- >Another pounding of the gavel draws the court back to order.
- >"As such, I am sentencing you to one hundred hours of community service as Ponyville's resident ear scritcher, to be completed by the Running of the Leaves."
- >...Wut.
- "That, that's it?"
- >The judge raises an eyebrow.
- >"You want more?"
- "No, I just thought that..."
- >"Mister Anonymous."
- >The warning tone in her voice shuts you up right quick.
- >"Do not think that I am going easy on you. Should I find you engaged in such debaucherous acts again, I will not hesitate to give you two hundred hours as a masseuses' attendant."
- >...
- >Right.
- >Not going to say anything.
- >The judge nods.
- >"Well, with that, I consider the case closed."
- >BANG!
- >Five minutes later, you step outside the courthouse, a free man.
- >Taking a deep breath, you smile and-
- >"Anooon!"
- >Lyra bounds up to you, grinning.
- >"Welcome back, monkey man!"
- >She wiggles her hindparts, thrusting her head up towards you expectantly.
- >Huh, her horn's back to normal.
- >After a moment, you reach down and ruffle her mane, smiling.
- "Yeah, I'm back."
- >Ponies are weird...
- >But that's okay.
- >You're going to have to study up on pony law though.
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