Notepad++ "Jokes"

Husband is not an ATM machine!!!
OMFG
ROFL
FAP FAP FAP
WTF?!
Uuuuuuuuuur Ahhhhrrrrrr
Uhrrrr Ahhhhrrrrrr
Aaaarhg...
Chewbacca
Human beings can be beautiful or more beautiful,
they can be fat or skinny, they can be right or wrong,
but illegal? How can a human being be illegal?
Elie Wiesel
Pain is a state of mind and I don't mind your pain.
Dhalsim
There is not enough love and goodness in the world to permit giving any of it away to imaginary beings.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.
Mark Twain
It's good to meet girl in park.
But better to park meat in girl.
Confucius
Politicians are like sperm.
One in a million turn out to be an actual human being.
Hustle Man
Thousands of my potential children died on your mother's face last night.
Motherf*cker
I'll buy a second iPhone 5 and buy a lot of iOS applications so that Apple will be able to buy Samsung (this shitty company)
to shut it down and all the Apple haters will be forced to have an iPhone. Muhahaha...
Apple fan boy
Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.
R. D. Laing
Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed.
Gandhi
Where is my Nobel prize?
I bombed people too.
George W. Bush
Yes, we scan!
Barack Obama
One man's crappy software is another man's full time job.
Jessica Gaston
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Jan L. A. van de Snepscheut
Software and cathedrals are much the same - first we build them, then we pray.
Sam Redwine
Once a new technology starts rolling, if you're not part of the steamroller,
you're part of the road.
Stewart Brand
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Terry Pratchett
Only 3 things are infinite:
1. Universe.
2. Human Stupidity.
3. Winrar's free trial.
Albert Einstein
James, James Bond.
James Bond
If you have some problem in your life and need to deal with it, then use religion, that's fine.
I use Google.
Simon Amstell
If you fall, I will be there.
Floor
Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.
Mary Oliver
Minimalist
 (.   .)
  )   (
 (  Y  )
ASCII Art
Anonymous #154
You are not fat, you are just more visible.
Anonymous #153
A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
Anonymous #152
Q: What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy?
A: Inheritance.
Anonymous #151
To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.
Anonymous #150
unzip, strip, top, less, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep.
No, it's not porn. It's Unix.
Anonymous #149
UNIX command line Russian roulette:
[ $[ $RANDOM % 6 ] == 0 ] && rm -rf /* || echo *Click*
Anonymous #148
Just love programmers' "your mom jokes":
If your mom were a collection class, her insert method would be public.
Anonymous #147
Buy a sheep
Name it "Relation"
Now you have a Relationsheep
Anonymous #146
feet  (noun)
a device used for finding legos in the dark
Anonymous #145
I don't want to sound like a badass but...
I eject my USB drive without removing it safely.
Anonymous #144
If 666 is evil, does that make 25.8069758011 the root of all evil?
Anonymous #143
You are nothing but a number of days,
whenever each day passes then part of you has gone.
Anonymous #142
To most religious people, the holy books are like a software license (EULA).
Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree".
Anonymous #141
MS Windows is like religion to most people: they are born into it, accept it as default, never consider switching to another.
Anonymous #140
Chinese food to go: $16
Gas to go get the food: $2
Drove home just to realize they forgot one of your containers: RICELESS
Anonymous #139
Laptop Speakers problem: too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
Anonymous #138
Home is where you poop most comfortably.
Anonymous #137
Documentation is like sex:
when it's good, it's very, very good;
when it's bad, it's better than nothing.
Anonymous #136
Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.
Practice is when something works, but you don't know why.
Programmers combine theory and practice: nothing works and they don't know why.
Anonymous #135
Linux is user friendly.
It's just picky about its friends.
Anonymous #134
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once.
Anonymous #133
Benchmarks don't lie, but liars do benchmarks.
Anonymous #132
The best thing about a boolean is even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.
Anonymous #131
Common sense is so rare, it's kinda like a superpower...
Anonymous #130
Without nipples, tits are pointless.
Anonymous #129
I love sleep.
Not because I'm lazy.
But because my dreams are better than my real life.
Anonymous #128
Don't give up your dreams.
Keep sleeping.
Anonymous #127
Social media does not make people stupid.
It just makes stupid people more visible.
Anonymous #126
Pooping with the door opened is the meaning of true freedom.
Anonymous #125
You don't need religion to have morals.
If you can't determine right from wrong then you lack empathy, not religion.
Anonymous #124
Anonymous #123
Nerd?
I prefer the term "Intellectual badass".
Anonymous #122
Thing to do today:
1. Get up
2. Go back to bed
Anonymous #121
Life is what happens to you while you're looking at your smartphone.
Anonymous #120
"I'm gonna Google that. BING that, Bing that, sorry."
- The CEO of Bing (many times per day still)
Anonymous #119
I love necrophilia, but i can't stand the awkward silences.
Anonymous #118
A Native American was asked:
"Do you celebrate Columbus day?"
He replied:
"I don't know, do Jews celebrate Hitler's birthday?"
Anonymous #117
Every exit is an entrance to new experiences.
Anonymous #116
YOLOLO:
You Only LOL Once.
Anonymous #115
How can you face your problem if your problem is your face?
Anonymous #114
Open source is communism.
At least it is what communism was meant to be.
Anonymous #113
#hulk {
    height: 200%;
    width: 200%;
    color: green;
Anonymous #112
I love how the internet has improved people's grammar far more than any English teacher has.
If you write "your" instead of "you're" in English class, all you get is a red mark.
Mess up on the internet, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Anonymous #111
A programmer had a problem, so he decided to use threads.
Now 2 has. He problems.
Anonymous #110
If you ever wanna know what a woman's mind feels like?
Imagine a browser with 2857 tabs open, all the time.
Anonymous #109
I hope Bruce Willis dies of a Viagra overdose,
The way you can see the headline:
Bruce Willis, Died Hard
Anonymous #108
Remember, YOUR God is real.
All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense.
But not yours.
Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Anonymous #107
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep
- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Anonymous #106
"Kiss my ass fucker" really needs a comma.
Anonymous #105
The main idea of "Inception":
if you run a VM inside a VM inside a VM inside a VM inside a VM,
everything will be very slow.
Anonymous #104
Turn on your brain, turn off TV.
Anonymous #103
If IE is brave enough to ask you to set it as your default browser,
don't tell me you dare not ask a girl out.
Anonymous #102
It's always sad when a man and his dick share only one brain...
and it turns out to be the dick's.
Anonymous #101
Dear YouTube,
I can deal with Ads.
I can deal with Buffer.
But when Ads buffer, I suffer.
Anonymous #100
I've been using Vim for about 2 years now,
mostly because I can't figure out how to exit it.
Anonymous #99
My neighbours listen to good music.
Whether they like it or not.
Anonymous #98
Real Programmers don't comment their code.
If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.
Anonymous #97
Code for 6 minutes, debug for 6 hours.
Anonymous #96
YES!
I'm a programmer, and
It doesn't mean that I have to fix you PC!
Anonymous #95
Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
Here's my number 127.0.0.1
Ping me maybe?
Anonymous #94
[In a job interview]
Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Candidate: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness.
Candidate: I don't give a fuck what you think.
Anonymous #93
Mondays are not so bad.
It's your job that sucks.
Anonymous #92
CV: ctrl-C, ctrl-V
Anonymous #91
Clapping:
(verb)
Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.
Anonymous #90
I'm drunk and you're still ugly.
Anonymous #89
Frigide, ton cul doit etre jaloux de la merde qui sort de ta bouche.
Anonymous #88
I promised I would never kill someone who had my blood.
But that mosquito made me break my word.
Anonymous #87
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Anonymous #86
Race, religion, ethnic pride and nationalism etc... does nothing but teach you how to hate people that you've never met.
Anonymous #85
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever.
If it doesn't, you hunt that bitch down and kill her.
Anonymous #84
Copy from one, it's plagiarism.
Copy from two, it's research.
Anonymous #83
Every guy thinks that every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy.
Bullshit!
Every girl's dream is to eat without getting fat!
Anonymous #82
A male engineering student was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineering student took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it; and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Anonymous #81
If women ruled the world, there would be no wars.
Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Anonymous #80
I'm a creationist.
I believe man create God.
Anonymous #79
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair, you're fooling yourself.
That's like expecting the lion not to eat you because you didn't eat him.
Anonymous #78
Governments are like diapers.
They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Anonymous #77
Even if being gay were a choice, so what?
People choose to be assholes and they can get married.
Anonymous #76
I think therefore I am
not religious.
Anonymous #75
Olympics is the stupidest thing.
People are so proud to be competing for their country.
They play their stupid song and raise some dumb flags.
I'd love to see no flags raised, no song, no mention of country.
Only people.
Anonymous #74
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Anonymous #73
Project Manager:
A person who thinks 9 women can deliver a baby in 1 month.
Anonymous #72
Men also have feelings.
For example, they can feel hungry.
Anonymous #71
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Anonymous #70
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Anonymous #69
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you, you're just not laughing.
Anonymous #68
Whenever someone starts a sentence by saying "I'm not racist...",they are about to say something super racist.
Anonymous #67
I hate how spiders just sit there on the walls and act like they pay rent!
Anonymous #66
A man without God is like a fish without a bicycle.
Anonymous #65
I took a taxi today.
The driver told me "I love my job, I own this car, I've got my own business, I'm my own boss, NO ONE tells me what to do!"
I said "TURN LEFT HERE".
Anonymous #64
I'm not saying I am Batman, I am just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room togather.
Anonymous #63
Oral sex makes my day, but anal sex makes my hole weak.
Anonymous #62
Your mother is so fat,
the recursive function computing her mass causes a stack overflow.
Anonymous #61
Yesterday I named my Wifi network "hack me if you can"
Today when I woke up it was changed to "challenge accepted".
Anonymous #60
Steve Jobs
1955-2011
Died from PC (Pancreatic Cancer).
Anonymous #59
I bought a dog once. Named him "Stay".
"Come here, Stay."
He's insane now.
Anonymous #58
No, no, no, I'm not insulting you.
I'm describing you.
Anonymous #57
Religion is like circumcision.
If you wait until someone is 21 to tell them about it they probably won't be interested.
Anonymous #56
Violent video games won't change our behaviour.
If people were influenced by video games, then the majority of Facebook users would be farmers right now.
Anonymous #55
Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML
Anonymous #54
Today, as I was waiting for my girlfriend in the street, I saw a woman who looked a lot like her. I ran towards her, my arms in the air ready to give her a hug, only to realise it wasn't her. I then had to pass the woman, my arms in the air, still running. FML
Anonymous #53
What's the difference between religion and bullshit?
The bull.
Anonymous #52
I don't need a stable relationship,
I just need a stable Internet connection.
Anonymous #51
London 2012 Olympic Games - A bunch of countries coming across the ocean to put their flags in britain and try to get a bunch of gold... it's like history but opposite.
Anonymous #50
There are 2 types of people in this world:
People who say they pee in the shower, and the dirty fucking liars.
Anonymous #49
If you were born in Israel, you'd probably be Jewish.
If you were born in Saudi Arabia, you'd probably be Muslim.
If you were born in India, you'd probably be Hindu.
But because you were born in North America, you're Christian.
Your faith is not inspired by some divine, constant truth.
It's simply geography.
Anonymous #48
Kids are like fart.
You can only stand yours.
Anonymous #47
Pornography harms
my wrist.
Anonymous #46
Rhinos are just fat unicorns.
Anonymous #45
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Anonymous #44
Afraid to die alone?
Become a bus driver.
Anonymous #43
Don't think of yourself as an ugly person.
Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
Anonymous #42
1. Dig a hole.
2. Name it love.
3. Watch people falling in love.
Anonymous #41
People ask me why, as an atheist, I still say: OH MY GOD.
It makes perfect sense: We say "Oh my God" when something is UNBELIEVABLE.
Anonymous #40
Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.
Anonymous #39
LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses.
Anonymous #38
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Anonymous #37
Every single time when I'm about to hug someone extremely sexy, I hit the miror.
Anonymous #36
Should array index start at 0 or 1?
My compromised solution is 0.5
Anonymous #35
It's not a bug - it's an undocumented feature.
Anonymous #34
Programmer - an organism that turns coffee into software.
Anonymous #33
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, "You look terrible. Are you OK?"
The second byte replies, "No, just feeling a bit off."
Anonymous #32
Non alcoholic beer is like licking your sister.
It tastes right but it is wrong.
Anonymous #31
Why do Java developers wear glasses?
Because they don't C#.
Anonymous #30
The reason women will never be the ones to propose is
because as soon as she gets on her knees,
he will start unzipping.
Anonymous #29
Why 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9 (seven ate nine) while 6 and 9 were flirting.
Anonymous #28
I'm no gynecologist, but I know a cunt when I see one.
Anonymous #27
I would never bungee jump.
I came into this world because of a broken rubber, and I'm not going out cause of one.
Anonymous #26
In a way, I feel sorry for the kids of this generation.
They'll have parents who know how to check browser history.
Anonymous #25
I'm not saying I hate her.
I just hope she gets fingered by wolverine
Anonymous #24
Everybody talks about leaving a better planet for the children.
Why nobody tries to leave better children to the planet?
Anonymous #23
"It's impossible." said pride.
"It's risky." said experience.
"It's pointless." said reason.
"Give it a try." whispered the heart.
"What the hell was that?!?!?!?!?!" shouted the anus two minutes later.
Anonymous #22
I love my sixpack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Anonymous #21
Never make eye contact when eating a banana.
Anonymous #20
F_CK: All I need is U.
Anonymous #19
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Anonymous #18
All you need is love,
all you want is sex,
all you have is porn.
Anonymous #17
What you do after sex?
  A. Smoke a cigarette
  B. Kiss your partener
  C. Clear browser history
Anonymous #16
Life is like a penis, simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely.
Then women make it hard.
Anonymous #15
A better world is where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
Anonymous #14
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
Anonymous #13
I would rather check my facebook than face my checkbook.
Anonymous #12
We stopped checking for monsters under our bed, when we realized they were inside us.
Anonymous #11
Roses are red,
Violets are red,
Tulips are red,
Bushes are red,
Trees are red,
HOLY SHIT MY
GARDEN'S ON FIRE!!
Anonymous #10
I just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die". I'm pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them...
Anonymous #9
A world without woman would be a pain in the ass!!!
Anonymous #8
I need a six month holiday, TWICE A YEAR!
Anonymous #7
Going to Mc Donald's for a salad is like going to a whore for a hug.
Anonymous #6
"SEX" is not the answer.
Sex is the question, "YES" is the answer.
Anonymous #5
Life is too short to remove USB safely.
Anonymous #4
I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Anonymous #3
Before sex, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself.
Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're fucked.
Anonymous #2
Does your ass ever get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your month?
Anonymous #1
Smartphone is the best invention of 21st century for avoiding the eyes contact while crossing people you know on the street.
Don Ho #3
RTFM is the true path of every developer.
But it would happen only if there's no way out.
Don Ho #2
Je mange donc je chie.
Don Ho
A cookie has no soul, it's just a cookie. But before it was milk and eggs.
And in eggs there's the potential for life.
Jean-Claude van Damme
A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
Doug Linder
You don't get to 500 million star systems without making a few enemies.
Darth Vader
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Robin Williams
Cheating is like eating fast food: you do it, you enjoy it, and then you feel like shit.
brotips #1212
Do everything for greatness, not money. Money follows greatness.
brotips #1001
Picasso had a saying: "Good artists copy, great artists steal.".
We have always been shameless about stealing great ideas.
Steve Jobs
vi has two modes - "beep repeatedly" and "break everything".
Church of Emacs
Emacs is a great operating system, lacking only a decent editor.
Cult of vi
Software is like sex: It's better when it's free.
Linus Torvalds
Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OSes is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.
Alanna
C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.
Gavin Russell Baker
In the one and only true way. The object-oriented version of "Spaghetti code" is, of course, "Lasagna code". (Too many layers)
Roberto Waltman
Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed.
Bob Gray
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering
In C++ it's harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you blow off your whole leg.
Bjarne Stroustrup
I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn't show up in a Unix directory listing.
Oktal
Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN'T be like.
pixadel
Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen.
Edward V Berard
I don't care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine!
Vidiu Platon
Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code.
Christopher Thompson
Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
Bill Gates
Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.
Alan Kay
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
Brian Kernighan
The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it's too late.
Seymour Cray
To iterate is human, to recurse divine.
L. Peter Deutsch
Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.
Martin Golding
Good programmers use Notepad++ to code.
Extreme programmers use MS Word to code, in Comic Sans, center aligned.
Notepad++