Hey thanks for your comment on my post on /r/depression (here). I didn't even expect anyone to write back but I'm glad someone did!
This turned out longer than expected, so I put a tl;dr at the bottom!
What I mean by feeling inadequate that I see a lot of very desperate people on here, people who have been struggling with depression for years and it has affected their lives a lot. I say I'm feeling inadequate because I have a feeling I might be one of the people who blame their personal failings on a mental illness. Although I was seeing a therapist a few years ago, that was only for a mild depression. I have it in episodes, of I'd say a week or two up to a few months at a time
Right now I have one such episode. I am 17 years old and will turn 18 in 2 months. I finished high school here in Germany early, 2 years earlier than normal. That's why I'm in college already. I still live at home in my moms apartment. I will go to another uni because I don't like this program very much.
Basically for a long time I have been looking to manage to do stuff like go to uni in the US. I think it would be a lot of fun but it is not realistic at all, financially. I have come to accept that and wanted to try to take advantage of what Europe has to offer. I found this type of boarding school in Norway that is really common for teenagers there, where you basically go skiing, mountaineering etc. for 9 months. I have a job that I took on when I was still trying to make studying somewhere like in the US/Australia/Canada/New Zealand happen.
But ultimately I decided against it because I didn't want to bring financial trouble to my family. My mom maybe wants to move in a house with her new boyfriend. I don't like him very much. So I think around that time I reraliezed i wouldn't be going to norway I fell into a depression again. Here is the part where I said I don't feel like I belong with the other users posting on /r/depression - because it's perfectly normal to be unhappy in this situation. But there appears to be nothing really to cheer me up. I stay up long at night without actually doing anything. I lay in bed in the mornings because I don't see the point of getting up. I was helping my brother with a website project I could be working on, but barely anymore. And the worst of all, I was fired from work, I didn't go very regularly anymore. I was mostly working from home but should come to the office every few days. But I couldn't get anything done because we switched to a new developing method and barely anyone could help me install it on my linux device because everyone was using macbooks. So I wasn't making any progress.
So now I'm sitting here. I don't go to class anymore, which is reasonable to some degree because I will start with something else in October. I want to make something out of my time until then. So I think if I can find something like that it will be helpful to get my out of my "depression". I like travelling and I hope after I get my Computer Science degree in 3 months + 3 years (if everything goes alright), I hope I will be able to travel a lot. I like the Asian countries a lot, I think. And for some reason I had this exact same dream of being on some tourist-y tower in china, meeting some japanese traveller who was also there and then going out to eat with her and eventually keep travelling with her. But I don't really give much about those dreams.
My mom has suggested to me that I could travel in that time, for example in Norway or Iceland. I like those. But I'm not sure how to go at it. They would provide financial support as my gift for my 18th birthday. But I feel like they won't when I tell them that I haven't even managed to get to work regularly, just sit at home and do nothing. I have 1000€ on my bank account but I would have more hadn't I lost big parts of my money from work on sports betting online. But I won't get into detail regarding this, but I could, if you want.
This is a different issue but my eigteentht birthday is ocming up and I have barely anyone to celebrate with. I have some friends but most of them are just interested in playing video games. For some strange reason someone I went to HS with invited me to his 18th birthday as well. There were a lot of smart students, studying law, some going to teaching school etc. But they still knew how to have fun getting drunk and partying. I wanna have friends like that. Not the ones that focus only on school, or play video games all the time. And not the ones who know nothing but getting flat out drunk every weekend.
tldr: I decided to put a tldr here because it did get really long. I will go to uni in 3 months. Initially I wanted to go to a nice "school" (isn't really a school, you go skiing etc for 9 months) in Norway. But I didn't because its expensive and I didn't want to be a burden on my family. Since then lost motivation to do anything at all really, don't get out of bed in the morning until I get hungry because there's nothing I want to do. Lost my job in the process. I want to make friends and importantly I am looking to make the best out of the three months until I go to uni. My mom offered me giving financial support for travelling but I'm not sure if she still will when I tell her I lost my money from work to betting partly, and I lost my job because I couldn't even do that while not doing anything at all at home.