I still haven't hidden the remnants of my past life from myself, and lo and behold the ring she bought me is still on my dresser.

I say "dresser". it's more like a table. it's actually a table. it's just a fucking table i keep next to my bed. that's not the point. it's a table, fuck off.

the ring. it's nice, but it reminds me of bad shit. mostly how much weight I've gained in the last 2 years. when she gave it to me, it didn't fit my ring finger at all. now it's snug as hell. Why I kept drinking the syrup that summer I'll never know.

Except I do know. I know, and it fucking haunts me. I joke about it, but the fact I tried to fuck a person I considered a friend out of $2000 kinda sticks with me. Fuck him. Fuck me too, but, yknow. Fuck him.

I got the ring by lying. Not to her, but to my parents. My dad mostly. I said I was going to visit some college friends, but drove to see her. It was only a lie by a couple hundred miles. no big deal. i think.

i still have the box it came in, but it's completely wrecked. through my careless behavior i ruined it. it still served its purpose, but it was obviously worn down. haha, there's a metaphor for ya. gimme a dissertation on that shit. by tomorrow. on my desk.

i keep getting sidetracked, fuck. i had a good point to make here.

I couldn't look at the ring; not because it reminded me of the past, but because it reminded me of a future that would never be. Go back to story one, I already covered this. "spend so much time with one person", etc etc. You'll find it. You made it this far into my bullshit.

But the painful thing about the ring, or the notebook, or the bus ticket itinerary, or the fucking lip balm… it was that last memory. When someone you love dies, you tend to cherish your last memory with them. You also read into it too much, which is why I haven't killed myself yet. The last fucking thing I want is some piece of shit at my funeral choking up, trying to find meaning in the last thing I said to them. Some groveling sack of fuck crying over me saying Army of Darkness was my favorite movie. That'd be offensive to my legacahhhhahahahahahahahaha. "my legacy". fuck off.

On the other hand, though.

When someone you love LEAVES you, you're more haunted by your last memories than anything else. You cling to them with a fucking vice grip, not because you want to, but because you have to. Every moment spent together was a great one, even if it wasn't, but that last moment, together. It sits there, and you can't get rid of it, like a birth mark, or like the time you superglued a quarter to your ass and the quarter ended up fusing with the flesh, and doctors couldn't remove it, and it makes going through airport security a pain, and

Nah

Too specific.

But nothing will wash you of that last memory, and no matter how happy it was, it's bleak. You could've been the happiest you've ever been, and it's just fucking sickening and bleak. In fact, the happier it was, the more it torments you. You just sit there and fucking obsess over it, you let it creep its way into your memory's "do not delete" folder, and it just EATS at your core.

It's these fucking memories that make me realize how much of an egotist I am. "ohh i wanna die", "ohhh i hate myself" all you fucking want, but if you see someone who used to love you with someone else, and it makes you sick, you've got a hell of an ego. If you see them together and your first thought is one of them getting reamed by the other, you're even worse. If you have that thought and your first inclination is "I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch, harry potter lookin-ass, reddit-tier sense of humor I AM FUNNIER THAN HIM, MY TASTE IN MUSIC WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN HIS, HE LIKES DRAGONFORCE. HE. LIKES. DRAGONFORCE. LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN, AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE, NO, SO FUCKING LOUD MY VOICE BREAKS

HE. LIKES. DRAGONFORCE.

YOU ARE FUCKING SOMEONE WHO LIKES DRAGONFORCE. DRAGONFORCE, THE SAME BAND WHO USED TO BE A BLACK METAL BAND WITH THE NAME, GET THIS, "[n-word but it's the actual word]slut". YOU ARE ACCEPTING THE FLESHPIPE OF A HYPER-CHRISTIAN, MEMELIKING, PIECE OF SHIT WHO THINKS ALL MUSIC NEEDS TO BE GOOD IS A " SICK GUTIAR SOLOBI I .FUCJIN

FUCK I GB .

I CAN'T VELIVE

I ACCNOT

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT I LOST OUT TO

I'M BETTER THAN THAT

DO YOU HEAR ME? I AM BETTER THAN THAT. I.

I.

I can't believe myself.

My room is a wreck now. It was in the first place, but now it's more of one. I can't stay in here.

The TV's still on. Still on static. static.

zzzzzzzzz

zzzZzZZZZZzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzsdhhhdhdh

zdhdshghshzshhshsshshshhsshzhhshszhszhsz

hszhszhszhszhszhszhszhszhszhszhszhszhszhszzhzshszhszhszgszghsdzghszgszhszhsz

zshzzzzzzzzzzzzzzshshzzhsszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzshszhszhsz

zzzzzssszsshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzsshhhhhhzzzzzsshhhhzzshhhzsshhzshzhzshzhshzhshzhshzhshzhzshzhshhz-

shhhhhhh.

it'll be ok.

you're ok.

look at me, you're ok.

they'll be gone soon and we can have our time alone.

i know. i know, but. when i see him up there, with his arm around you, in your bed. i just. i want to punch him. i wanna. b-break his fucking glasses.

shh. shhhhh. they don't know about your problems. and i'll never leave you because of them. i was worse at one point, you know that.

i know. i know.

now c'mon. they're probably worried about us. just a little more time and we'll be able to just. be alone

y-yeah. i uh. i'm sorry. my blood sugar is low.

that's fixable! let's make some dinner. we still have those frozen vegetables, yknow!

yeah. yeah, let's make some dinner. we'll have our time.

our time.

our time.



our time.






time.







time.








time.














time.





I'm a fucking egotist.

I can't believe myself.

but i'm the only one I trust.

maybe that's it. maybe this is it.

maybe.

i'm the only one i trust because

i am the only one.
beep
the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. It hasn't always been this way, but over the last two years, it seems like all my interactions with other people have either been in memories, or online. I haven't had an actual moment where I was lucid and in the physical presence of another person since that last moment, together.
beep beep
Yet every time I black out, I "go out", I "see friends".
beep
I step outside, into my front yard. It's dead quiet, except my phone, oddly going off.
beepbeepbeep
It's only now that I realize this world isn't real. The reason I only see "people" when I black out is because I'm making them up. They exist, don't get me wrong. They exist, in this world, in this form of reality.
beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep
But I've made them up
BEEP
To protect myself or hurt myself, I'm not sure. But what I do know is that I am alone.
BEEP
If those people only exist in this world, the one I've made up, then why does it torment me? Why does something of my own creation haunt me? You'd think a world where I was practically god would be like a dream.
dream.
dreams.
BEEP
hm. dreams.
BEEP
It hits me.
BEEP
If this word is fictional, then the dreams I have in it. Could they be real?
BEEP
Could my hungover freefall from the apartment railing have been my last true thoughts?
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP
In this world, I see no one but myself. But I know that the people around me are real. They're happy here.
But this world isn't for me.
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP
Though taking myself out of it will destroy the world that makes them so happy, I feel it's my only option.
A final selfish act.
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP
She didn't go overseas. I was just a fucking addiction-seeking drunk who fucked everything up and drove her to someone else.
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP
Sarah had been my only friend in those moments, and as if it were some kinda karmatic prank, stealing from her was my last act.
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP
I am not dead.
But I soon will be.
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP
I look down the road and an impossibly large truck makes its way down the street, which is rapidly becoming more and more cartoonish and neon shaded.
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP
The world of my delusions begins to melt as it approaches at a rapid pace.
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP
Taking myself will be selfish, but it's the only way out.
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP
I think of all my false memories with my fake friends over the last three years I've spent alone and step into the street, and-
beep



and-



beep.



beep.

and.

---------

time.