zor describes vampire clans

Assamites: What the fuck are these? I don’t think I’ve ever met one. Only heard of them. Supposedly their skin gets really dark the older they are. That’s cool I guess. I guess the Tremere put a curse on them. We’ll just. Cover that later.

Brujah: Some cool dudes as long as you don’t make them angry. I’m pretty tight with the city Primogen, somehow. Dunno how that happened. She just likes me I guess. Everyone says I look just like her. Huh. Anyway, they alright. But also something something Carthage I guess? I dunno. Old timey bullshit. I think demons were involved. Where were the Garou? Hey Silent Striders. You fucked up again. I mean I won’t say that to a Brujah’s face because like, they don’t summon demons now. I don’t give a damn what happened in ancient Rome. Just a thought I guess.

Caitiff: These guys are like… kinda non-affiliated vampires I guess. They don’t really have a clan. They get treated like dirt though and that’s ass. I support you, friends.

Followers of Set: Okay so. Take the Wyrm. Boil him down. Cram his essence into the veins of a bunch of asshole ancient Egyptians and you have the sole solitary reason why the Striders tried to kill my sister. Hate ‘em. Haaaaaate ‘em. Can barely get drugs that aren’t tainted anymore thanks to these fuckers. Not that I do like, the nasty stuff. I just want some weed. This friends is why I grow my own.

Gangrel: Vampire…. werewolves???? Except not? I don’t get these guys at all. They act like some Garou kinda though what with not liking being around people instead of nature. That’s… cool? I guess? Whatever.

Giovanni: Bonjiorno, a pizza pasta pazoo! Linguini alfredo! It’s a football, Mario! I chiseled it! It’s a stone, Luigi. It’s even official size!
...Anyway. So, these guys are a family of extremely stereotypical Italians who only fuck each other and make necromancy. They ate a much cooler clan. They’re kinda horrible and greasy enough to supply a McDicks for a decade.

Lasombra: The Shadow Lords but even more horrible. They’re basically the Sabbat’s version of the Ventrue. They’re the leaders and stuff, and they control shadow. Hence the comparisons. A big boss Lasombra tried to kill me once. That’s how I learned how to become shadow. Somehow. Still. I should get that on a t-shirt. ‘An Archbishop Tried To Kill Me’.

Malkavians: A doozy and a half. I know one and she’s a fucking basket case. Half the time she’s normal and could give me a run for my money, half the time she speaks fortune cookie worse than a Stargazer. Pretty sure she got embraced by the lead singer of Genesis. Anyway. They can make people crazy like them. That’s a hell of a power.

Nosferatu: Sassy dudes with the curse of fuckin’ ugly. They live in sewers and deal with the seedy underbelly of towns. Like the Bone Gnawers! Those guys interact a bunch, pretty sure. Most Nossies just don’t give a shit and it’s kinda great.

Ravnos: I gotta admit I don’t much know what these guys are. I’ve met a total of two. One’s pretty neat, I like her. The other harassed my best friend and just kinda settled in like she owned the place and I think she wants to kill Mr. Angry Sausage. Or hatefuck him. I literally can’t tell.

Salubri: Three-eyed weirdo vampires. Half of them heal and half of them cause pain. I’m including these guys for two reasons. Reason one; my brother in law. I love he a lot and I think my sister made a good choice even with… well… how they met. Old grudges with the Tremere. We’ll get into it later. He’s a great dude. Reason two; Four-Arms McRacist, who kidnapped and tortured my sister for the same old grudges. I am going to use her ashes as cat litter shortly after I make her suffer like Anya did.

Toreadors: Oooooh I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. No really. These guys are glimmerous fop artsy fartsy vampires. I showed up to give Luka something in my pineapple marmite pajamas once and he cried.

Tremere: Okay. I’ve been promising we’ll get into it and it’s time. Are you ready for it? Here we go.
[deep inhale]
Baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage baggage. They are also wizards. Next.

Tzimisce: Everything you love about body horror in one convenient vampire-shaped package. They’re independent even though a majority are in the Sabbat. I know a few who aren’t though. One’s kinda weird and has bone spikes and loves doing weird shit to herself. I had her fix my tattoos a couple of times. The other one is Dr. Munchkin who loves making glowy art on herself and does surgery. They’re all really weird though. The big Bishop guy is one and he stole my sister’s finger. I want to stake him, take it back and give it back to her, then bite off every middle finger until sunrise to symbolize every fuck you I have in my small shitty body.

Ventrue: Ponces. All of ‘em. Even my boyfriend. But I love him to death especially for all his ponceyness. Gonna rub him. Gonna rub him all over. Okay but I’m not here to gush all over him, I’m here to do whatever this is. Basically they’re the leadery sorts. I compared the Silver Fangs to them, sure, but I also said the Ventrue are actually cool and useful unlike the Silver Fangs. They are. They do some important work keeping vampires in general in line and upkeeping the Masquerade. They also give great dick. Oops. I promised I wouldn’t do that. Oh well.