Surface of the Sun, Part 6 (To Drink as Gods do.)

>You can only watch with your jaw open as your ex-marefriend goes tumbling through two tables, a chair, drunk red pony, and a bar stool, until she finally crashes into the opposite wall.
>"I SHTILL GOTTIT!"
>Oh God what the fuck is this?
>Celestia's flapping next to you, cheering and laughing like a madmare at the sight of Pinkie conked out on the floor.
>The bar's going wild, a few ponies screaming in outrage while others cheer on the crazy pink and white mare who just punched out an Element of Harmony.
>To your mounting horror, you see Celestia take the microphone.
>"ALRIGHT MARES AND GENTLECOLTS! WHO WANTS TO F-"
>You tackle the Princess of the Sun and start whispering frantically to her.
"Celestiawhatthefuckareyoudoi-"
>Before you can finish, her neck lifts up to touch lips to yours.
>In your brain, everything freezes.
>This is bad. This is really, really bad. Celestia's lost her fucking mind, Pinkie just got punched, and...
>Luna warned you about this.
>Oh God Luna, what's she gonna do whe-
>You snap back to reality and push back from Celestia, shocked.
>She's smiling goofily.
>"Whas wrong? Didn't you like that ki-"
"Ce-SUNNY! What are you doing? We aren't even...you...I...you're drunk."
>"Course'm drunk, silly!"
"No, I mean you're fucking plastered. We need to get back to the castle so-"
>Something -thunks- into the wooden seat next to your head.
>You slowly glance at it, already knowing what you're going to see.
>A cake-carving knife.
>Oh.
>Oh fuck.
>"Anonymous. Who the buck is this?"
>Pinkamena Diane Pie is no longer unconscious.


>You stare over in horror as Pinkie gets back to her hooves, her hair flat and her eyes narrowed.
>This was bad.
>No, this was beyond bad.
>Pinkie was in a mood.
>...That wasn't entirely accurate.
>Pinkie was in THE mood.
>She had a few 'moods,' but this one was the 'everything is fucked, run for the hills, prepare your anus' mood.
>"Anonymous."
>Oh God you knew that tone. You FEARED that tone.
>"Who is this, and why did she just hit me?"
>"Heh, kicked yer ass!"
>OHGODCELESTIAPLEASESHUTTHEFUCKUP.
"...Uh...uh...Pinkie...this is C-Sunny Skies! She's a friend! From Canterlot!"
>Pinkie's eyes narrow, and you realized you pick the wrong choice of words.
>"Is SHE why you won't come back home?"
"Pinkie! Pinkie no! She's just a friend!"
>"Hmmmhmmm, friend with BENEFITS~"
>You feel something nuzzle your neck, and you feel the blood rush to your face in confusion and horror as Celestia...
"Sunny what are you d-"
>"Shhhh."
>Pinkie's eyes narrow, and you feel yourself pushed aside as Celestia sits up, giving her the bitchiest drunken sneer you have ever seen.
>And so began the greatest marefight of the modern era.
>A screaming, kicking, bucking, biting ball of pegasus and earth pony went rampaging around the bar, to the cheers and catcalls of the patrons.
>You had to stop this. Before Celestia killed Pinkie, or before Pinkie assassinated the Princess.
>...You honestly didn't know which was more like-
>THERE.
>Your salvation!
>Sitting there, gleaming in the light of the stage.
>A steel chair.


>Cheers, shouts, and whistles rung out around you as Celestia and Pinkie Pie boxed each other in the middle of the nightclub.
>Apparently catfights were awesome no matter what species you were.
>You see cupcakes and empty bottles of p0ny booze go tumbling past your head, and you wince at the all out brawl that your ex and your boss are caught in.
>It was two-p0ny armageddon out there.
>Even as you watch, you see Celestia pick up an innocent bystander in her hooves and use him like a mace to swing at Pinkie.
>Pinkie's bobbing and weaving like a boxer, bouncing on her hooves and dodging, getting in short jabs everytime Celestia swings and misses.
>"Float like a Fluttershy, sting like ME!"
>Oh God it was worse than you thought.
>When Pinkie's jokes started getting terrible you knew the shitstorm to end all shitstorms was on the horizon.
>You sprinted to the Saviour, the glorious steel chair of terrible rage that would hopefully wash this night away.
>It had saved you before, waaaay back in the beginning in P0nyville.
>Metal chairs weren't exactly common, but Pinkie kept a few around in case of metal chair emergencies.
>This was a metal chair emergency if ever there was one.
>You vault the stage, turning to the whooping, cheering p0nies and the two mares slugging it out on the dance floor.
>The holy instructions come to you as you heft the sacred chair above your shoulder.
>You toss the chair, hurling it with all your might out into the crowd.
>Then you dive for cover.
>Silence reigns as the chair clatters to the floor somewhere out in the crowd.
>Then, a single p0ny speaks the holy response.
>"...I'm mad!"
>Then everyp0ny in the club starts fighting.


>It was chaos.
>Absolute, unending chaos.
>You sat back and admired your handiwork, a cold Samuel Snowflake in your hand.
>Pinkie and Celestia had been carried away from each other by a tide of thrashing, screaming ponies all intent on beating the absolute shit out of each other.
>Steel chairs.
>In this world, they never failed.
>You took another drink, admiring your favorite beer.
>You normally don't drink this shit.
>'Samuel Snowflake. It'll get you drunk. You'll be fuckin' fat p0nies in no time. Might even fight a dragon or two!'"
>Ahhhh, pony commercials. How you loved them.
>You take another drink as a cursing red earth pony goes sailing through the air, clutching a bottle of vodka to his chest for dear life.
>You spot Celestia approaching you, dancing around charging ponies like a ballerina.
>She slid through them gracefully, drinking from her own Samuel Snowflake bottle and occasionally hoofing an unfortunate mare or stallion in the skull.
>She comes to a stumbling stop in front of you, clutching her beer in one wing.
>You offer her a drunken grin.
"...Ready to go?"
>She nods once, and you wince at the massive shiner she's sporting.
>"G...getovah here."
>You get up and place a hand on her neck, ready to play 'guide the drunken princess out'.
>Instead, you end up vomiting on a hillside as she straight up teleports the two of you out.
"CELESTIA WHAT THE FU-"
>There is a flare of golden light, and she's back in her Alicorn form.
>"S'posed to be incognito, remember? We can't...we can't party there no more."
"...So we're going back to the castle?"
>"Pfffffft, buck no! Climb on, we're partyin' 'round the world!"

>....What.
"Did you just-"
>"Yesh! I just asked you to ride me!"
>She giggles, and you feel all the blood rush to your face.
>"Not like THAT, Anon! Such a naughty~ man you are..."
"Cele-"
>"Oh, one second, losing my buzz."
>Her horn and eyes glow, and you cover your eyes as a golden ball of light bursts into being in front of you, leaving behind...
>Two bottles. Two golden bottles of...
"...Did you just make booze?"
>Celestia grins.
>"That I did...I like to call it...Sunshine. Get it? Like moonshine?"
>She giggles like a drunken schoolgirl.
>You realize, suddenly, that you've reached a watershed moment.
>Celestia's sobering up, the worst that's happened tonight is a bar fight, and you can still get out of this without causing any further damage to your boss's reputation.
>...On the other hand, magic God-booze.
>You look at Celestia, and discover her already looking at you.
>Her cheeks glow red and she looks back at the bottles of Sunshine.
"...Celestia?"
>"I'm sorry for...erm...what I did back there. I just got a little carried away. I don't normally..."
>She blinks, then sighs.
>"Oh sweet me this was stupid. I...I got carried away again, didn't I? I just...I haven't-"
"One night."
>"Hmm?"
"One night off. That's what you said. One night."
>She blinks, her cheeks still flushed.
>"So..."
>You grab a bottle of Sunshine and pass it to her with a smile.
>She grabs it with her magic, eyes wide as she looks at you.
>Then you pick up another bottle of the ground.
"Cheers, Princess."
>You take a drink.
>And your world explodes.

One Hour Later
>There's nothin' quite so satisfying as a good punch.
>You let out a satisfied 'WHOOO' as your fist cracks into the ugly p0ny's pointy nose.
>He crumples in a fuzzy, winged heap, weird-shaped hooves held up to his nose.
>Fucker tried to steal your hats. And you'd done a lot to get these hats.
>You could remember the conversation like it was yesterday.
"Hey...hey Cshelly...hey...y'know...y'know what I don like 'bout 'Questria?"
>"Whuzzat?"
"No fuckin' HATS. You all got those...them big ears....and you make hats for em..."
>"Anon. We....we are getting you a hat."
>Oh, wait, that happened...an hour ago? What time was it?
>"I'm Queen of tha wooorld!"
>Celestia was currently sitting on the biggest ugly p0ny's throne.
>Seemed like every p0ny in...wherever this place was had wings, so it looked comfy for Celestia.
>You take another drink from your never-ending bottle of Sunshine and saunter on over to Celestia, laughing.
>She had what you'd both come for, the hat, perched on her nose.
>It was adorable.
>"Hey...hey...hey...Anon! I...I found a hat!"
>She giggles and falls off the seat, taking another drink while the metal hat clatters on the stone floor.
>You brush a stray feather off it and pick it up, placing it on the growing hat tower that had popped up on your head.
>One of these hats was BOUND to fit you.
>Celestia takes one look at you from the floor and starts laughing again.
>"Y-y-y-your hhhh-h-heeaaad ahhahahahaha!"
>You strike a dramatic pose, putting one foot on the ugly unconscious p0ny beneath you. Then you glare at Celestia.
"What'sh wrong with mah head?"
>"You look like an idiot!"
"Oh yeah, well y-"
>The Sunshine hits you, and your world blurs again.

An Undetermined amount of Time later.

>Holy fuck since when were there so many LIZARDS in Equestria?
>You laugh as Celestia kicks another one in the face, stumbling down a huge pile of rocks as you watch the shenanigans.
>They were...pretty goddamn big, but Celestia tossed em' around like they were nothing but toys.
>You watched as she picked one up by the tail and used it like a club to beat another into submission.
>Goddamn watching her was...
>Nevermind that, you had to get your hats.
>You climbed what seemed like a mountain of piss-yellow metal, eyes on the prize.
>This hat, man.
>This fucking hate was FINE.
>You couldn't see it all that well, but FUCK it was shiny.
>And it was going on your head, lizards be damned.
>You ducked as a leviathan lizard flew screaming over your head to crash into a wall.
>Claws shattered your mountain of piss-metal, and you scrambled to grab the hat with one hand while keeping your hat-tower in place with the other.
>You impact on something soft, but strong, and you hear a quiet "oof," from under you.
"Celestia?" get tha hatsh?"
"Fuck yheah I did!"
>You raise your prize to the sky, heedless of the grumbles and groans of pain from the seven GIANT fucking lizards around you.
>Celestia drops you from her wings, taking a drink from her bottle of Sunshine and giggling.
>"I shtill got it! Didn't even break a schweat! Now hop on!"
"...What?"
>She turns and shakes her rump at you.
>"Hop on!"
"We're teleportin' 'gain?"
>"Pfffffft, bhuck no! We're goin on a flight!"
>You look at her, grin, and hop on.
>Suddenly, everything within your vision blurs as she accelerates to hellish speed.
"OH SHIT YEEEEEEEEEEEES. PRAAAAAISE THE SUN!"


>You were drunk, covered in scratches, burned slightly, and starting to feel kinda nauseous.
>But that night, that moment, you never felt more alive.
>And you knew you never would again.
>Your heart pounded in your chest as you watched below you.
>The world raced beneath you, mountain ranges, deserts, forests, lakes and rivers all vanishing with each beat of Celestia's white pinions.
>She was FAST.
>Faster than you could believe.
>You blinked, and when your eyes opened, you managed to go from flying over a lake to passing a mountain range.
>She ducked and weaved drunkenly in the air, but even hopped up on magic superbooze, this was the most graceful thing you'd ever seen.
>It was the most beautiful thing you'd ever done.
>It was, in the most serious sense of the word, sobering.
>You had slipped the sundry bounds of Earth to ride the back of God.
>"...Anon?"
"...Yeah Celestia?"
>"I need to land."
"Oh, sorry, am I heavy?"
>"No...no...you're fine."
"Tired?"
>"No, I just...really need to land fer a sec...don't freak out."
"Why would-"
>And then you got a firsthand experience at what a meteor felt like.
>Celestia dove through the sky at the same breakneck speed she'd been flying, and you scream like a little bitch as the ground races up to meet you.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOH GOOOOOD I DON'T WANNA DIIIIIEEEEEE!"
>Impact.
>You black out, and wake up ten seconds later in a crater, having been thrown from Celestia's back.
>Celestia's facing away from in the center of the crater, shaking slightly.
>"...You okay, Anon?"
"Yeah...yeah, I'm okay...what just happened?"
>"Sorry, I just...I'm sHRUUUGK."
>OH SHIT.
>You scramble out of the way as Celestia starts vomiting.


>Blazing heat races over your body as you scramble over to her.
>"Oh shHRHHKKKK I'm so soHRRKKGGGHH."
>Was she vomiting...
>Every time she leans over, the night lights up for a moment.
>...She was vomiting legitimate sunsh-
>You looked at the rocks where it splashes, and drop your jaw as they burn away, sizzling like grease on a skillet.
>Holy shit she was vomiting legit solar radiation.
>You watch for a moment, perplexed, as the Princess of the Sun struggles to get out drunken apologies in between bouts of vomiting literal sunlight.
>"Anon IHRRRGGGGH"
>...What a fucking night.
>You walk over to her, wordlessly, and put your hands near her neck, pulling her mane out of her face so she doesn't get any sun-puke on it.
"Shhhh. It's okay, Princess. It's okay. I'm here. You'll feel better when you get it all out. Jus' drank too much, is all."
>She looks up at you and gives you an honest, weary smile.
>Her mane is ragged, looking more like hair than it's usual flowing stream, her eyes are bloodshot, and in that moment, she's never looked prettier.
>She leans over and vomits a solid stream of solar radiation into the dirt, and you back away as you feel your eyebrows smolder.
>She coughs, then takes a few ragged breaths.
"Is it...are you done?"
>She nods, biting her lower lip in an embarassed gesture.
"Let'sh get you some water, okay? Party's ohver."
>She puts a wing up around your shoulder, and you put your arm over her back, letting her lean on you as the pair of you stumble out of the crater.
>"M'sorry...," she croaks out as the two of you walk.
"Shhh, shhh, it's okay."
>Lucky for her, you crashed near a lake.


>You awkwardly look away as she dips her head in the lake and takes a long, looong drink from it.
>She rears her neck back up with a gasp.
>"Oh...oh dear...Anon I'm...sorry you had to see that."
"Hey...hey, it's fi-"
>She sits down, heavily, sighing and looking into the water.
>"Don't say itsh fine. Its not fine! We were having so much fun...and then I-"
"Celestia. Everybody hurls once in a while. It's okay. Just a sign we had to stop, is all."
>You sit down next to her, glancing up at the night sky.
"So didya have fun?"
>She smiles, her snout and cheeks still a bit red from the Sunshine.
>"..Haven't had that much fun in...centuries. I...we got SOOO many hats!"
>You grin and pat the giant hat tower that the two of you spent the night collecting.
>She giggles at your tower, and you laugh at her giggling, and soon it's the pair of you, a drunk princess and a drunker butler, laughing up a storm in the middle of no where.
>You don't even remember why the fuck you WANTED so many hats.
>One of her giggles ends in a snort, and she covers her snout, suddenly embarrassed.
>"Excushe me...that's...unbecoming of a..."
>She trails off as you laugh harder.
>"Itsh not funny!"
>Your only response is more laughter, and eventually she joins you.
>You tire yourself out and lay down on your back, looking up at the stars.
>Celestia joins you, still giggling quietly. Then, her face gets an expression you...haven't seen before.
>"I...really had fun tonight."
"Me too, Celestia."
>"I mean...I REALLY had fun..."
>You raise an eyebrow and look over at her, and then a pair of soft lips meet your own...

Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnmD_2rNJY8
The Next Morning...
>BRIIIING, BRIIIIIING, BRIIIIING.
"Mrfdsdsfhgrmmml!"
>You reach out blindly and bat your alarm clock onto the ground, wincing at the sudden pain that spikes through your skull.
>You blearily blink open your eyes, already cursing the dawn.
>There's your old enemy the sun, burning two smoking holes into your brain like the big fat bastard he is.
>Seriously, FUCK THE SUN.
>You curl over, snuggling into your awesome new pillow and closing your eyes.
>You'll get up tomorrow. Today can go fuck itself up the ass.
>Your pillow moves.
>...Your eyes snap open. This is not a pillow.
>You don't dare move as the Princess of the Sun shifts slightly in your bed, eyes still closed.
>One of her wings is draped over you like a blanket, and you feel her leg on your shoulder.
>Okay. Okay. Whatever you do, you can't panic.
>Panic will kill you.
>You must calmly list facts.
>One. You are in your old home.
>Two. You are sleeping in the same bed as Princess Celestia of Equestria. Your boss. God-Empress of the biggest fucking nation on the planet, as far as you knew.
>Three...
>You carefully, CAREFULLY slide your arm down the covers, makin-
>Okay, three. Your pants were still on.
>You sighed quietly in relief.
>Then you spot your shirt draped over a chair. Along with her crown and boots.
>That can't be good. That CAN'T BE GOOD.
>Now is time to panic.
>You start to extricate yourself, mindful of the massive wing covering you, when there comes a sound.
>A rapping, a tapping, at your chamber door.
>"SISTER, WE KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE, OPEN UP!"
>Oh shit.
>Celestia's eye opens.
>OH. SHIT.


>Celestia blearily leans up in the bed, wincing and bringing a hoof to her forehead.
>"What IS that infernal sound...?"
"Ummm....your sister."
>"My si-"
>She glances at you. Then she looks for her crown and boots. Then she looks down at the bed. Then back at you.
>You aren't the best at reading faces, but you were good enough to recognize when a mare was screaming internally.
>You bring a pleading finger up to your lips.
>The wide-eyed look of horror lessens, and Celestia silently nods her head.
>Then you slip out of bed and stagger to the door.
>You clear your throat and speak through the door.
"Princess Luna! Good morning."
>" 'Tis two o' clock in the afternoon."
"Uh...well...good afternoon? Dunnow why you're shouting for Celestia...she went back to the castle last night..."
>You spot Celestia wince and facehoof.
>"...Riiiight. Of course she did. Back to the castle. Where nopony has seen her. All day."
>Luna wasn't buying it.
>"Well then, Anonymous, when you do see our beloved sister, tell her that her subjects need her. Badly."
"...Really now? Somethin' happen?"
>"Oh, nothing much. There was a bar riot. An Element was assaulted..."
"Well these things ha-"
>"Also, we're at war with the griffins. It seems like their king was savagely beaten."
>You freeze, dread tickling your back. Then you glance at the "Hats" in the corner.
>Or to be more accurate, the crowns.
>"We're also at war with the...let me see...the minotaurs and the changelings, again. SOME strange bipedal creature and a white alicorn payed them all a visit. Oh, and before I forget to mention, an alliance of seven full grown Dragons has sworn to burn Equestria to the ground."
>Oh. SHIT.