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- I fucking love coffee
- >Is your body ready for this shit?
- >You fucking love coffee
- >It’s 3 am and you want a goddamn cup of coffee
- >Go to the kitchen
- >Open cupboard
- >NO FUCKING COFFEE
- >all of your rage
- >Fucking blasphemy, you must go out get more
- >What food store is open in Equestria at this time
- >The world is run by casuals
- >Hold your shit!
- >Motherfucking Poneco (or whatever shit pony pun you can think of for that store) is open 24/7
- >mahnigga.jpg
- >Get your fucking helmet, your going for a ride!
- >Strap it on, grab your wallet, and your keys (so some faggot won’t steal your bike)
- >Music. You grab your mp3 player
- >You feel sorry for the plebians who don’t listen to the same music you do
- >play Brand New – Jesus
- >tfw ponies are plebs
- >except the best pony of course
- >Thundercats are go
- >No traffic at 3 am
- >Ride in the middle of a street
- >Cop outta fucking nowhere
- >It’s just a little pony in a little blue suit
- >your fucking sides
- >the pony approaches you on the bike
- >You put on your cool face
- “Problem officer?”
- >“Why are you riding in the middle of the street at 3 am.”
- ”Coffee, officer.”
- >“Excuse me?”
- “I fucking love coffee”
- >pokerface
- >”….just get the fuck out of here”
- >Works everytime
- >At Poneco. No Zebra’s allowed.
- >It’s pretty dead, you wonder why.
- >Coffee
- >You lock your bike and roll your ass in.
- >In the aisle of manly things, you find your coffee
- >Dark Espresso Roast master race. Reporting in!
- >Hold your shit!
- >There’s a new coffee brand you’ve never seen before
- >There’s a dark brown pony smiling on the face of the bag
- >Exotic Herbal Coffee Roast
- >Why the fuck not?
- >You pay for your coffee in the most alpha way
- >Unlock your bike and ride home
- >Through the middle of the street
- >The feel when you can get away with it
- >Fucking home
- >To the kitchen
- >In one smooth motion, you fill the back with water, load a filter of coffee and activate the machine
- >Watching it drip and slowly fill up. Words cannot describe…
- >drip
- >drip
- >ssssssssssssssssss-drip
- >Oh god damn you’re so turned on right now
- “Don’t ever do that to me again coffee. I really thought I was gonna have to go on without you…”
- >I’m really sorry Anon, I promise I won’t do it again.”
- >What the hell?
- >You’re alone, but someone definitely spoke to you
- “Alright, who’s there?”
- >”I’m here, sweetie!”
- >Your coffee machine just spoke to you.
- >What the fuck
- >”I’m always here for Anon, now you’ll have coffee for the rest of your life!
- >wut?
- >the lid of your coffee pot opens
- >A pony the color of coffee sticks her head out from it
- >What the actual fuck!
- “…What is going on?”
- >The pony pulls the rest her body out and stand your counter, coffee spilling from her hide
- >Damn it, she’s making a huge mess. There’ll be fucking ants everywhere!
- >She smiles at you…seductively
- >”I am your coffee Anon, and….” She bites her lower lip, “…You fucking love me.”
- >You note she stressed ‘fucking’
- >What kind of fucking coffee did you buy?
- >She teases you, “Don’t you want your coffee, Anon?”
- >Fuck it, you can think about it later
- “You’re fucking right, I want my coffee!”
- >The coffee mare giggles and leans over you
- >she grips your shoulder and yanks you in for big coffee smooch
- >Shit, the coffee is burning your skin
- >HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, THAT’S THE BEST DAMN COFFEE YOU’VE EVER TASTED
- >Well, shit
- >The mare, tackles you the ground, standing over you, kissing and burning the entire time
- >Of course you drink it all up
- >She pulls away and rips or you shirt and pulls down your pants!
- “Um….”
- >She silences you with a burning yet god-tier coffee kiss
- >”Shush Anon, enjoy your coffee
- >If she only she knew how turned on you were by all of this
- >She’s about to find out
- >”Oh my goodness, Anon, you DO love your coffee. It’s so big…”
- >Feels good man
- >”For such love for your coffee you deserve only the best in Equestria”
- >She starts making out with you. It still burns but that fucking coffee
- >She drenches you in her caffeinated nirvana
- >You break the kiss for a second
- “F-Fuck, I love you coffee, you’re the only one who gets me.”
- >You resume drinking
- >This fucking rocks your world
- >You are already about to explode in a land to euphoric herbal roast that even the most powerful of men can only dream of
- >You bit your lower lips and your tenses as that coffee travels down your esophagus
- >The coffee mare arches back and moans in the air
- >You let yourself enjoy this orgasmic coffee
- >It leaves your body a trembling wreck
- >The coffee mare giggles, “I’ll always be your best coffee, Anon.”
- >Suddenly, she melts and splashes all over you
- >Fuck, didn’t you just ejaculate into that?
- >Too late to worry about that now. Your body is in horrible pain now that your coffee has gone and spilt all over you
- >3rd degree burns over 90% percent of your body
- >You need to go the hospital
- >Unfortunately for you, Pone doctors suck and cannot into humans
- >So you die
- >It looks like your body was not ready
- >Later, you pony friends run funeral procession and mourn your loss
- >In honor of your memory, they place a bitchin’ tombstone at your grave
- >It will read:
- Here lies Anon – He fucking loved his coffee
- The end
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