Digimon Empire Review.

CH 6:
"They spent quite some time searching all around the clearing but failed to find any place where the trail continued besides where they'd already come from."

-Add a comma before "but." This seems to occur whenever you use the word from what I've seen. Remember to add a comma before words like "But". Do a quick search of the story for other cases such as these and you'll be fine.

-Consider rephrasing "but failed to find any place where the trail continued besides where they'd already come from." It sounds a bit awkward. Try something like: "Besides the direction they'd already entered from."

"They suspected that magic was involved but they were unable to determine what and there were no real traces in the large clearing."

Consider rephrasing: "They suspected that magic was involved, but were unable to determine from where within the large clearing."

In terms of imagery, I REALLY liked this chapter. The description of the clearing and the cave were quite vivid, especially when Michael took that one moment to fully take in his surroundings and vowing to appreciate the effort put into the world by his friends. A really nice scene. The darkness of the cave made me feel as if I were right there stepping down the stone steps alongside them, fearing that if I made one wrong move, I'd likely fall to my death. The part where they fall into the slime like substance seems a bit redundant, since we never get a clear description of what it is or why it's there. The last part where the duo find their way into the crystal cladded cavern was particularly pleasing to the eyes, in a sense. I'm a sucker for the "beauty hidden beyond the darkness" kind of thing. The way you've described the new (I assume) enemy seems quite interesting, yet ominous.

In terms of plot, you've done a good job in setting up the suspense and unease that would arise from being forced to chase someone into a cave, and a dark one at that. The cliffhanger you left it on, with this new malevolent force calling out for FlaWizamon to capture Michael left me wanting more. Good job!

Ch 7:

"I'm am glad you've made it this far human."

-Pick either "I'm" or "I am."

-Add a comma after before "Human." When addressing someone, even through a general term like that, you should always have a comma before the name the person is being addressed as.

"My name is Zeparmon." The way his name escaped his lips was with energy and though unspoken Michael understood his name meant sound or noise in some manner and it accounted for his thunderous speaking, "You are of course correct I was not of human design. The very millisecond that the Digital World was turned on the most Divine of all Digimon whom you created conspired to inhibit human control over our realms. Some merged together with their clones in other worlds whole worlds merged into more supreme deities. The combined power of so many Digimon of that magnitude helped forge and manipulate the Time Lock. It is now considered an ancient device by most but it allowed the Pantheon of the Divine to alter the time differential between the human world and the Digital World. The slowed the differential as much as possible to allow Digimon the most time possible to evolve and grow, independent of human influence."

-Comma after "Unspoken."

-Comma before and after "Of course."

-Comma after "On"

"Some merged together with their clones in other worlds whole worlds merged into more supreme deities."

-Either add a comma after the first "worlds," along with an and afterwards, or rework the sentence to sound less awkward: "Some merged together with their clones in other worlds; whole worlds merged into more supreme deities."

"The slowed the differential as much as possible to allow Digimon the most time possible to evolve and grow, independent of human influence"

-Remove the comma after "independent."

-Change "The" to "This."

"Part of the failure was to revert us to this state, This may have been some safe fail in the event of corrupt imaging in the program by the creators but I am more inclined to speculate that it is a result of our magic mixed with the coding that governs the Digital World at its foundations"

-Uncap "This," or add a period after "State."

-Remember to use a comma after "But."

"There was an ancient war fought among the Pantheon of the Divine over how power should be distributed among each other, Especially once they'd realized they had greater control over the worlds."

-Same deal as the above: Uncap "Especially," or just replace the comma with a period.

"One of the things that the Divine did was seal the human Digivice spawn relation. It was oddly convenient to find you so easily and I am glad I was the first and it was one from The Pantheon coming to investigate the sighting of a human."

-The third "And" should be a semicolon, I believe. Not entirely sure.

You did well with portraying the character of Zeparmon as this crafty and powerful being who knows far more of the situation than Michael and Cairomon had. His booming voice in particular makes him stand out as a character, which is appreciated. My only gripe is that Michael and Cairomon seem just a bit too quick to trust this figure, especially regarding his motives for wanting to help them. Djinn are known to be tricksters by nature, and assuming that at least Michael is aware of the beings, I feel he would be a bit more wary of Zeparmon's motives and whether or not to trust what he's been told. That said, I like that you didn't go for the cliche of immediately presenting him as a villain as I was anticipating. Right now, he genuinely seems to be shrouded in enough mystery for the reader to feel as if they're being left in the dark about something as well.

The plot in this chapter was laid down thick, giving quite a bit of backstory and history on the world, while answering a few of the looming questions of the earlier chapters. There's just one minor thing that bothered me: I would have loved if you had written it in a way that conveyed the backstory, but through both dialogue and imagery. Maybe have Zeparmon conjure forth some mystical illusion that shows the events that transpires as he narrates them, or simply beam images into their heads that allow them to see or even experience them for themselves. Just a minor complain, but I feel that this would both give a small taste of what Zeparmon is capable of and make the unveiling of so much information feel less like exposition to the reader and more like they're being told directly on what's going on. It would be a good chance to play around with some imagery, as well, since the imagery of this chapter, while good, seemed lax compared to others.

CH 8:

"It may not be the best accommodations but it is a slight sight better than where you slept before."

-Comma before "But."

-"Slight sight"? I've never heard that term before, but... I can't say that its grammarly incorrect, especially if it's meant to be a trait of the character to use terms such as that.

"He hadn't even realized he'd awoken yet he was and a small shiver ran through him."

-Considering rephrasing this sentence. I cannot make heads nor tails of what you were trying to convey with it. Try something like: "He hadn't even realized he had waken up yet as a small shiver ran through him," or "He hadn't even realized he'd woken up yet. A small shiver than ran down his spine (as so and so happens)."

-"Why would you be willing to teach me anything? Why are you personally vested in helping me at all?"

-Consider combining these two sentences: "Why would you be willing to teach me anything, and why are you personally vested in helping me at all (or "in the first place")?"

-"Furthering the work she performed on me I was able to establish a connection with several of the Djinn, finally I found one that would stand by me and we began formulating plans on how to remove the Divine."

>Consider replacing the comma with a period. That, or simply add "And" after the comma.

"We start with geography and politics, then we'll see if you are capable of learning magic. If you can than that will certainly greatly expand the magnitude of your abilities and make you much more of a threat to the Divine."

-Replace "Than" with another "Then."

"The map was familiar to Michael it was the main continent."

-Add a comma after "Michael".

"As the hours passed Michael grew more and more hungry and finally he had to stop FlaWizarmon in favor of eating and rest."

-Add a comma after "Passed."

"I think we will find gaining control of this world will prove to be more of a task than either Zeparmon or FlaWizarmon care to acknowledge."

-That sentence feels a tad drawn out for no real reason. As I've said before, if it's apart of the character then it's fine, but if that wasn't your intent consider rephrasing it to sound less drawn out. Something along the lines of what I mean would be: I think we will find gaining control of this world more of a task than either Zeparmon or FlatWizardmin care to acknowledge." A minor change, but it sounds less awkward to me.

Well, this was quite an interesting chapter. My favorite part would have to be how you went into the backstory of FlaWizarmon. Through his interactions with Michael, Flatmizarmon has truly become my favorite character just by the way he presents himself and his character traits. I love how you elaborated further on the happenings of the world, capitalizing off the last chapter by yet again giving the reader a tantalizing dose of information to both expand the world and give them more to look forward to. I also like that Michael is playing smart with this by keeping enough of a distance as to still keep his head about what he and Cairomon are up against and how to approach it. Overall, this was a very great chapter, since it's considerably more slow paced than the previous ones and gave a chance for a nice interaction between Michael and FlaWizarmon.

Ch 9:

"When they attempted casting magic FlaWizarmon was quite visibly disappointed when Michael was unable to cast the most simple spell FlaWizarmon knew, match flame."

-Capitalize "Match Flame," since it's the name of a specific spell.

"Cairomon's reptilian composure didn't allow a great deal of depth to his facial expressions though Michael could tell he was slightly amused as he had a small curl of a grin was visible on the sides of his snout."

-Add a comma after "Expressions."

-"As he had a small curl of a grim WAS visible on the sides of his snout." Consider rephrasing to better structure the sentence, it sounds like you were going to say one thing, but rewrote it to say another without remembering to erase the first attempt. Try: "As he had a small curl of a grin visible on the sides of his snout," or something to that effect.

"The glowing faded and the ring fully faded back into the interface."

-Feels repetitive using "Faded," twice in the same sentence. Considered replacing one with another word.

"Feeling satisfied both Michael and Cairomon went to sleep though the morning came sooner than expected when Michael awoke to the deep booming voice of Zeparmon shaking the massive cavern just outside their alcove."

-Consider adding a comma before though. Honestly, in this sentence I'm really not certain whether it would be needed or not. Your call.

"Michael felt strange as though he'd already been very used although up to this point he'd only gained knowledge and hadn't lost anything save time"

-Add a comma after "Used." and "Anything."

"and so if it's not too early lets start making plans for taking Talthos City."

-Add an apostrophe to "Lets," making it "Let's," which is short for "Let us."

"Why not pick a quiet little fishing village or something similar? I know of a lovely little stone mill on a river only three or four days away."

-Add a comma after "Quiet," and "Lovely".

"Well then I think it best to go directly for the head of the source and if you want to take Talthos you're going to need to avoid confronting the army."

-Add a comma after "Well then."

"Coronamon shall go with you, he'll be able to activate this scroll should something happen."

-Add either an "And" or semicolon after "You." Omit the comma.

"Even if the three of you get separated so long as you're not dead it should teleport the three of you to a coordinate just outside the city limits which should allow you enough time to evade pursuit."

-Add a comma after "Limits."

(By this time is half asleep, but wanted to finish this up.)

Quite a few interesting tidbits here and there throughout this chapter: Cairomon and Michael's partner ship really seems to have deepened in the short time they've known each other. I'm quite fond of the two, but I would like to see more casual interactions between then, showing off just what their dynamic is and how their respective personalities play off of one another's. That aside, it was interesting to see that Flawizarmon's partnership with Zeparmon may not be entirely that of equals, which makes the former's statements quite interesting. Bringing up that Flawizarmon has something on the line of this furthers the mystery of just what is going on. I like the set up for the next chapter, also. You really do have talent when it comes to leaving off a cliffhanger.

All in all, these were all quite entertaining to read, Yung. :)