ShittyWritefag story

“What a fucking faggot, If I was in that fucker’s place I’d be bangin’ all the bitches” Exclaimed John, “Fuck this haremshit, I don’t even know why I bother, but still that Darling’s a pretty cool guy” John Smith lazily scrolled down the front page, searching for threads to post in, of course, John Smith was convinced his tastes were better than anyone else’s, but John didn’t know shit.


“Fucking Hell, why is life so god damn boring?” he mused.


Suddenly a loud booming voice could be heard (Good thing John lived alone because both of his parents were dead/worked overseas) “Prepare for an adventure the likes of which you’ve never seen John”. The voice seemed legit, or so John thought “what should I bring anyways?” the first thing he grabbed was his replica Napoleonic cavalry sabre, because what sort of faggot goes on an adventure without a weapon? “Much better than that piece of shit ‘folded over 1000’ times katana. Western culture stronk, HAHAHA” He said aloud. “Times up faggot”, the voice had definitely taken on a more hostile tone, as John was flung through a portal in time and space. He hit the ground and Rolled.



He came to a stop in a small clearing. Looking up he realised that he was in 2D. “Holy shit fuck, all those faggot anons would probably murder their families for a chance like this. God damn this is fucking awesome” No sooner had the words left his lips, he saw a peculiar sight. Men were running towards the far corner of the clearing, and they were being chased by... “HOLY SHIT IT’S FUCKING MONSTERGIRLS” John yelled. “Shit man, that’s fucking awesome”. But something seemed wrong, why were the men being such faggots and running away? He got his answer soon enough. The Manticore in the group fired off a razor spike from her tail and felled one of the men. The others just kept running, but the harpy and arachne closed fast. In seconds all three were subdued. Then they started to scream. “NOO PLEASE”, “I HAVE A WIFE” “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, I’M GAY”. “Well shit, I guess I was right” mused John to himself.



Then The manticore mounted the man he saw that famous shit eating grin of hers, (John never understood the appeal of the grin, he always found it infuriating) and then he saw the blood where the spike had imbedded itself into the man’s leg. “Jesus fuck!” John’s eyes locked with the manticore’s she thrust her tail towards the downed man’s penis. “JESUS FUCK! Holy shit that’s ugly”. The man was screaming, this time louder, about his wife and daughter. John began running in the opposite direction, those faggots had already bought it, and there’s no way John would go down. Fuck that shit, he wasn’t going to become some sex crazed slut’s toy. As he entered the forest on the other side of the clearing he was pulled down by a strong pair of hands.



“What in the nine hells do you think you’re doing traveller? This is a dangerous time to be wandering around these monster infested lands”. The man speaking was, in John’s opinion, quite plain, sort of like an unimportant side character. “The name’s Johan, Johan Shmidt by the way”. “I don’t give a fuck what your name is, but what the fuck’s going on out there? I thought that MonMusu were all about that lovey-dovey sappy shit those writefags keep providing us with”. “What’s a Moan Mewsu, traveller, and why do you speak such a strange dialect?”. “It’s a fucking monstergirl, y know...  those things out there, and why the fuck are the men screaming like that?”. John was getting pretty fucking pissed, why the fuck wasn’t Johan directly answering his fucking questions? “Ah, it is a sad fate when one is caught by the monsters, they drag you away and you’re never seen or heard from again, There are many widows and orphans in our village”. “The fuck you on about nigga? Monstergirls are loving and shit, no way c-” John’s retort was cut out by more loud screaming. “Jesus fuck this shit isn’t right”.


“We have to keep running traveller” whispered Johan, this place clearly wasn’t fucking safe, and John didn’t want to be pulling fuckhuge manticore spikes out of his body. “Fuck it let’s go, where’s your village Johan?”. “The town of NewReach is located just that way, we should hurry”


As Johan and John ran their path was blocked by a large looming arachne. “Fufufufu adventurers it looks like it’s finaly my time to feast” She said with glee as her smile grew twice as large. “Say Johan, the town’s just that way right?”


“That is correct, but why are you asking this now?”  John then drew his replica sword, “Man this shit’s blunt as fuck, probably couldn’t even cut grass” he whispered to himself as he smacked Johan in the back of the leg. Johan went down like a bitch. John started running around as the arachne closed in on the now disabled Johan. “Fuck man, it’s sink or swim, dog eat dog right?” the arachne ripped Johan’s pants off and began to massage his dick. “Shit, poor fucker” John hadn’t gone very far when the screams started. He didn’t look back, he just kept running. His stomach was rumbling and he was really fucking tired and worn out, when he heard a small voice coming from a ways down the path. “H-helo? P-please help me mister human” It was a harpy, and John assumed, it’s wing was broken, probably because all of the blood and shit covering it’s right wing. He remembered the scene in the forest and drew his blade. “please mister human, my wing broke and I can’t fly, won’t you help” She was quite small, even though she had fuckhuge talons that could probably rip open a fucking M113 with no trouble. John placed the blade above her belly and closed his eyes. “P-please, n-no” he could hear her teary voice and he just couldn’t bring himself to stab her in the chest. “Tell you what bitch, you tell me where the nearest town is and I’ll take you there”. “O-okay”. John put away his sword and lifted her up like a princess, not giving two shits about her broken wing. “Holy shit you’re really fucking light!” damn, she really was featherweight. John inwardly cringed at the pun and set off towards wherever the fuck Johan had said the town was called. “M-my names A-”, “I don’t give a fuck what you’re called”


The rest of the trip passed uneventfully, and they finally reached the town gates. The place was unimpressive and the wooden wall looked flimsy as fuck, as if someone had just stuck some logs into the ground and called it at that. “Halt, no more monsters permitted inside the walls”, the voice belonged to a young guard, he was clad in some leather armour with some shitty crest emblazoned on his chest piece. Fucker couldn’t even afford platemail, what a fucking pleb, thought John to himself. “Yeah OK” With those words John dropped the harpy on the ground next to him, and started confidently swaggering towards the main gate.
 “w-w-what are you doing adventurer? Are you just going to abandon your wounded companion like that?”
“She’s not my fucking companion, I just picked her up while I was travelling down the road, she can get mauled by bears for all I care”


The guard was obviously taken aback by this statement, stammering words about chivalry and such. “Do I look like a fatguy to you? Chivalry is cast aside when survival is in question”. John suddenly stopped his swagger, walked back, picked up the harpy and addressed the guard again, in a completely deadpan manner. “Say, can I sell this harpy into slavery anywhere around here, because I don’t have any of the local currency”. “S-sell me as a slave, b-but you’re a hero helping out a damsel in distress!”. “Fuck that shit, I saw a manticore and an arachne, and another one of your kind chase down and brutally rape the fuck out of some guys back there, you’re not a fucking damsel, you’re a monster!”. The harpy teared up and started crying “What a fucking bitch, can you believe this shit” John now addressed the town guard. “J-just go in, and make sure that little lady’s wing gets looked at”. “Suit yourself”. John walked into town carrying the harpy and the first thing that struck him was the sight of how fucking shoddy it looked compared to the advanced European/American metropole that he lived in. The roofs were thatch and some clay, and some houses just had leaves, this was some shit out of one of those period dramas that aired on the TV, or something out of game of thrones. Point was, it looked like shit. “Say, is that man carrying a harpy?”, “I hear that their tears are medicinal”, She would fetch a high wage as an alchemists assistant!”. John heard the cha-ching of money filling his pockets. This adventure had gotten off to a good start

PART II COMING AT SOME POINT MAYBE