I should be shot for this

"Nation–"

*DING*

"Oh, what do you know, that would be the stove! Now what could, I, Essex, possibly be cooking at seven pm on a Thursday night? HOW ABOUT THE 26TH INSTALLMENT OF MY MANY PART SERIES, BETTER KNOW A PRESIDENT!"

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"TONIGHT! TEDDY ROOSEVELT!"

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“Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.”

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Teddy Roosevelt said that, and I bet he knows more about modern United States naval doctrine than you do nation, because he invented it! And then he perfected it! Until NO nation could beat the United States in the ass-kicking ring of naval ass-kicking!

So young Teddy beat the ever living crap out of his asthma! And then he got bored of punching his asthma in the face, so Teddy went to Harvard! And the he got bored of SISSY STUFF like LAW he became a AND THEN HE BECAME THE YOUNGEST STATE REPRESENTATIVE FOR NEW YORK, WALKED UP CAPITAL HILL, AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF POLITICS!

NOW Teddy wasn't your REGULAR old politician, he was THEODORE FUCKING ROOSEVELT, so when the Spanish-American war started up, Teddy resigned as Secretary of the Navy, got on his horse, gathered up his posse, and the Rough Riders went to cuba to KICK SOME COJONES!

When the war was over, he got some dumb letter in the mail saying "TEDDY THE WARS OVER STOP BEATING UP THE SPANISH!" so he packed up his bags, came home, AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!

Then his boss, William McKinley, saw Teddy's MANLINESS and PROMPTLY KEELED OVER DEAD! And THAT is how Teddy Roosevelt became the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

Which was a good thing! Because his cabinet wouldn't let him go around declaring MANLY wars on other nations, he turned to being a DIPLOMAT! Because if TEDDY wasn't allowed to go around on the front lines of war, the JAPANESE and the RUSSIANS sure as hell weren't!

And that's all important, because in 1905, the FRENCH were trying to muscle in on American interests in China and grab OUR market share! We AMERICANS opened up those ports and by God they were going to remain FREE of frog legs and snails! So Teddy walked out of his office, used the TREASURY to KICK OUR NAVY INTO BADASSITUDE, SAILED his way across the PACIFIC OCEAN, and PIMP-SLAPPED the French Consulate with STRONGLY WORDED DIPOLATMATIC TELEGRAMS RIGHT OUTTA CHINA!

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Which is why, whenever a French task group chases down a Chinese carrier group, it's called a "Louis Bleu"!

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Instead of a "Ciao Ciao"!