Things I cannot do

Welcome! Below is a constantly updating list of the things I simply can't do without facing severe goddamn consequences, such as 5 years in prison and/or an unlimited fine.

[EXPIRED] I cannot access the Internet for any reason, as enforced by Southwark Crown Court
[EXPIRED] I cannot access a device capable of accessing the Internet, as enforced by Southwark Crown Court
[EXPIRED] I cannot ask others to access the Internet on my behalf, as enforced by Southwark Crown Court
[EXPIRED] I cannot leave my home past 10PM, as enforced by G4S / Southwark Crown Court
[EXPIRED] I cannot leave my home past midnight, as enforced by SERCO / Southwark Crown Court
I cannot associate with any active member of Anonymous, as enforced by London probation / Scotland Yard
I cannot associate with any former member of Anonymous, as enforced by London probation / Scotland Yard
I cannot associate with any active member of Lulz Security, as enforced by London probation / Scotland Yard
I cannot associate with any former member of Lulz Security, as enforced by London probation / Scotland Yard
I cannot delete my Internet history, as enforced by Scotland Yard
I cannot encrypt files, even work-related files, as enforced by Scotland Yard
I cannot use virtual machines, as enforced by Scotland Yard
I cannot remotely connect to any computer, as enforced by Scotland Yard
I cannot enter any office within Feltham Young Offenders Institution, as enforced by Feltham's security team
I cannot joke about escaping prison via helicopter, as enforced by a "senior member" of Feltham's security team

This list should be 100% expired by May 2018.