I dated a girl that tried to kill me with a samurai sword. Damn near lost my left arm and was lucky that the blade didn't cut completely through the bone. I actually forgave her and stayed with her too. The sad part is she just barely breaks the top 5 on my list of insane ex girlfriends.

Well, as I said number 5 would be the sword incident. She was awesome. Different in a Monica Belucci from Brotherhood of the Wolf kind of way. You know, the whole dark and dangerous, obviously damaged but so beautiful both on the inside and out once she let you in. She thought I read he journal and decided that whatever it contained was important enough to take my life over. I barely felt the cut. Blood sprayed all over everything and that's how I knew something happened. I watched as my sword fell to the ground and when I looked up she was covering her face with blood soaked hands and crying/shaking uncontrollably and that's how I knew something happened. I looked down and saw that my bicep was completely severed and had pulled back to both the elbow and the shoulder. Roughly 4 inches of bone could be seen. She stayed with my the whole night in the er and waited until I survived surgery (I lost a fuck ton of blood, had transfusions) before going home. She then stayed with me for the next few weeks until the police arrested her for an unrelated stabbing. She went away for a while and met a guy in the center and they eventually got married/had kids and I saw them years later. Turned out without her knowing that he had been an old friend of mine from another city I lived in. I thought it was kind of awesome and have talked to them several times in the 13 years since all that happened.

Number 4 would be the girl/girls I dated before 5. It's two girls that go hand in hand. One was far more insane than the other so I'll stick to her. We had been together for a while and she was just crazy fun. We were always doing stupid shit (we were like 16) and she quite often took things too far. Most of her issues came from drugs and it wasn't long that I was partying too much. The first time we had sex it was a 3some with her best friend. That went on for quite a while and things were a lot of fun. Eventually, we had sex without her friend being around and while I was going down on her she pulled out a knife and started cutting her legs open and licking the blood off of the blade. She then asked me to drink from her legs and I decided I would rather go home. The other girl then called me and flipped out on me saying that I was the chosen one and that if I didn't drink their blood I would never be one of them. This apparently meant that they would not be able to carry my seed and save humanity. (Mind you, I have dated many wiccan girls and most of them are fairly normal. I really hate to say that 3 of my top 5 crazies are wiccan.)

3 was a homeless girl that I met when I was 20. She seemed so awesome at first and when I found out that she was travelling and was running away from her past in much the same way I was I asked her if she wanted to take the spare bedroom at the house I was living in. My roommates were down and agreed that we would not charge her rent until she could find a job as she was really cool and helping her was the right thing to do. The first night there I woke up to her in my room sitting over me and staring. When I asked her wtf she was doing she said "just watching you." Me being me I responded with "You wanna have sex?" We did and by morning she was telling me that she was in love with me and had been for years. That she had dreamed of me since she was a little girl and that the sex was exactly how it was in her dreams. (I saw this as a red flag. Even I'm not that retarded.) I kind of tried to play it casual but she wasn't having that. She threw out clothes she didn't like while I was at work. Went through my stuff and called my mom telling her who she was and inviting her to lunch because she wanted to meet her future mother in law. (we'd known each other for 4 days at this point) When I told her that my roommates wanted her out a week later (she was nasty. left food out, fed our pets by putting her mac and cheese/hot dogs/ice cream right on the carpet for them to eat saying there was no need to waste a bowl and that she knew that our dogs wanted ice cream and it was good for them. She programmed every station on my radio to her favorite station. (not plural) and put a mix tape in my stereo and sealing the cassette door closed. I then threw it out the window. To get rid of her my roommates disconnected the washing machine hose and told her it was broken. Since all she had was clothes they then left her at a friend of hers house to do her laundry and never went back to get her. I got home from work and they told me what happened. I did not feel bad about turning off my pager and going straight to sleep. Two weeks later I saw her in public, married to a guy from my high school. (Never been so happy. They annulled it two months later. She tracked me down on fb last year while pregnant with her 6th kid. God help my sons generation if they're girls)

Number 2 was a girl I met through some kind of friends. They always came into the restaurant I worked at to hang out and we hung out occasionally. When 2 and I met I thought she was really cute even though she was very small. I generally like girls around my height. This girl was 4'11" and 87lbs. We dated once or twice before having sex for the first time. I went to pull out and her reply was "Don't worry about it, I'm already pregnant." (cue panic) She too went right for the "I love you" when I asked her wtf she was talking about and said "it's cool, god sent you me when I asked him to send me a man to father this child I'm carrying. (What have I done? is all that's going through my mind) I try to play it cool and the next day I get home from work and my neighbor is at my door. (We've been feuding for several years. I often date black girls as did my roommate and these fuckers were not okay with race mixing. They poisoned every one of our dogs with anti freeze one time to try and get us to move.) As I step out of my truck my hand is on my pistol and he tells me that he's not there for any trouble and that we need to talk. He then tells me that for the last week a girl has been parking on his street and sneaking through his property to get into my backyard (we're in the country at the time) and that she has been looking through all the windows. I kind of dismiss it and then later that night my female roommate screams while washing her dishes and sure enough, 2 is in the woods trying to run back to her car. I call her and tell her to fuck off and she replies "you'll never leave me, you're mine now. God said so." The next day I load my things into the car and go to visit a friend several towns away. I get paged by my roommates at 3am that night. She saw me pack up some things and leave and when my roommates went to sleep she broke into my half of the house with some minors who were running away so they would have a place to stay. They called their parents to let them know that they were fine and cops were dispatched to my house. She then told them I gave her permission to take them there and I almost went to jail for that. (never knew what came of this one)

Number 1 is a 3 time convicted felon (manufacturing/selling meth, larceny and counterfeiting) aging, professional con artist who was looking for a child and a paycheck. She came off as the perfect woman, told me she was allergic to latex and was on BC. Lied about both, got knocked up, convinced me to marry her and then a week later left me and for the last year and a half we have been in a nasty divorce. (having never even lived together) The judge told her that it's a shame I didn't have a better job that could have given her what she needed to make the relationship work. That me being out of town for my job (which I have since lost due to the many trips to court) wasn't fair to her. I'm now in foreclosure and cannot file bankruptcy because of the judge. I'll be in contempt if I do. So in two weeks I will be homeless and staying in shitty hotels trying to make ends meet. She once told me that I should just be a good man and give her what she wants. When I asked what that was she said a child support check each month and for me to stay out of her sons life. She told me I ruined everything by being the one guy who wants to be part of his kids life and that I should be like her dad and just send money and the occasional card.
Honorable mention (because I can't finish on such a low note as my current issues) goes to a woman who had everything. Looks, money, a great career and wonderful friends yet also had a shit ton of issues. She found my reddit account and read through over 4000 comments I had made over the years. She then sent me an email at least 5 times as long as this novel I have written here is flipping out over things I had said on here long before she and I ever met. I replied with a simple "TL/DR" and blocked her on my phone and all my email accounts.
On this note, I'm shooting some whisky and going to bed. Cheers.