4:11 PM] Nobody9567: writing a poem and its going well wanna hangout
[4:12 PM] Smasher: just watching the boys atm
[4:12 PM] Smasher: first ep
[4:12 PM] Smasher: also a poem?
[4:12 PM] Smasher: for school or
[4:13 PM] Nobody9567: for me mostly, and to Ant
[4:13 PM] Nobody9567: and is it awesome or nah
[4:13 PM] Smasher: not sure, barely into first ep
[4:13 PM] Smasher: to ant?
[4:13 PM] Nobody9567: yeah
[4:14 PM] Nobody9567: I can't make him understand how I feel about him truly unless I do this. As soon as his hands healed I will give it to him, and we will go from there.
[4:15 PM] Nobody9567: You can read it if you want. Will probably take a few weeks to write though
[4:16 PM] Nobody9567: wont be to long I dont think
[4:16 PM] Nobody9567: Kind of cathartic for me, because if I don't put what I feel right now in words I think my head will explode.
[4:18 PM] Nobody9567: Its not an insult poem or putting him on blast, its just kind of a history of us and how hes appeared to me.
[4:18 PM] Smasher: how come you feel like poetry is the best way?
[4:18 PM] Smasher: what draws you into writing it this way
[4:20 PM] Nobody9567: Mostly because I used to love writing poems, and I feel like its the best way for me to convey my emotions effectively in a way he might understand.  A text wont do it, and there is no way in hell I could ever have this conversation with him face to face.
[4:20 PM] Nobody9567: He'd stop me constantly, say that isnt fair, say thats dramatic etc.
[4:20 PM] Smasher: ah, i see.
[4:21 PM] Smasher: you want to get it all out, and if he feels the need to speak to you about it, then he can.
[4:21 PM] Nobody9567: I imagine that will be his reaction anyway, but he can do with it as he pleases. I know one thing, that I can not continue a relationship with him after this.
[4:21 PM] Smasher: you sure that's what you want though?
[4:21 PM] Nobody9567: Its not what I want, never ever what I wanted. I need to do it
[4:21 PM] Smasher: you need to?
[4:22 PM] Smasher: will you not be able to continue a relationship with him because of him? or because of yourself?
[4:22 PM] Nobody9567: I need to let him go, unless he changes his ways for my own mental health I have to let him go.
[4:22 PM] Smasher: i see.
[4:22 PM] Smasher: out of curiousity, how is it he impacts your mental health? is it just talking to him and how he treats you?
[4:23 PM] Nobody9567: Colton he called me a drug addict, said ill never be an engineer, he said I dont work hard, that im going to be a failure.
[4:23 PM] Smasher: i don't see him every day.
[4:23 PM] Smasher: ah.
[4:23 PM] Smasher: yeah, keep in mind there are things i don't know, like this. i'm not trying to sound like you're nuts for wanting this.
[4:26 PM] Smasher: i just want you to keep in mind that you can control what you do, and how you feel about people. but if you burn a bridge it's no longer in your control. moving out, being away from your brother will solve many of your issues. when you're no longer forced to be around one another you won't have as many issues with him.
[4:26 PM] Smasher: i just don't want to see you burn a bridge with him.
[4:27 PM] Smasher: do what you gotta do, i'll read your poem if you want and tell you what i think.
[4:27 PM] Smasher: i doubt i can help since this is coming from the heart, and you need to say what you need to say.
[4:32 PM] Nobody9567: Before then I waited WEEKS for him to just come up to me and apologize for what he said to me and Kelly. I'm sick of the constant narcissistic things he says to me. I'm sick of the terrible judgement he passes on people, and his complete disrespect/willful ignorance of mental health. I'm sick of constantly wondering if what he did to my sister really happened. I'm sick of wondering if he has ever even meant an apology in his life. I'm sick of wondering if the compliments he gives are genuine or not. I'm sick of how I am a constant shoulder to cry on for him, but when i come to him with my issues he doesn't pay attention. I'm sick of how he doesn't even ask how me and Kelly are doing, how the Visa is going, what my future plans are, whens the wedding, etc. I'm sick of the looks of disgust and judgement he gives me when I am drunk, or high when I just want to have a good time (granted I quit).  I'm  sick of how sad it makes me feel when he constantly tells me he is going to "start that new game finally", and never does. i'm sick of barely being able to look him in the eyes, because all I see is the boy I used to love, and I have to be reminded of what hes become.  I'm sick of him wondering why people stop coming in his discord, and refusing to acknowledge his part in it. Im just done man
[4:32 PM] Nobody9567: I completely agree with what you said, but its to late man
[4:33 PM] Smasher: what he said to you and kelly?
[4:33 PM] Nobody9567: when he basically equated our personal world views to us being high
[4:33 PM] Smasher: oh, i can't remember that.
[4:33 PM] Smasher: i know what you're referring to
[4:33 PM] Smasher: i just don't know what he really was saying
[4:33 PM] Smasher: a lot of what was being said was just general nonsense in that conversation after a bit
[4:34 PM] Nobody9567: when we were talking about the use of the word "normal" for transgenders. And he said "oh are you guys high right now? That explains it"
[4:34 PM] Smasher: oh
[4:34 PM] Nobody9567: And the thing is colton
[4:35 PM] Nobody9567: if I told him that, he would say "Oh thats not what i meant, its YOUR fault for feeling like that." Or he would say "you are being so dramatic" or he would laugh.
[4:35 PM] Nobody9567: anything but Im sorry what i said made you feel like that, it wasn't right.
[4:36 PM] Smasher: i'm trying to think of when he was really different
[4:36 PM] Nobody9567: https://pics.me.me/a-narcissists-prayer-that-didnt-happen-and-if-it-did-9737285.png

[4:37 PM] Nobody9567: Maybe its my rose-tinted googles
[4:37 PM] Nobody9567: goggles
[4:37 PM] Smasher: why is it you think i don't clash with him more?
[4:37 PM] Nobody9567: you never really challenge him
[4:38 PM] Smasher: he never even challlenges me on anything
[4:38 PM] Nobody9567: You remember when Alex would talk about cars and he would cut him off and say no one cares? Can you imagine if someone did that to him when hes talking about Wow.
[4:38 PM] Nobody9567: Except when you dont show up for a while
[4:38 PM] Smasher: he'd probably go quiet then bitch about it later.
[4:39 PM] Nobody9567: Alex truly loves cars, and he just wanted to share that love with his friends. "Wheres Alex" - Ant 2017-2019
[4:39 PM] Nobody9567: He is completely blind to his part in it.
[4:39 PM] Smasher: oh i agree with that.
[4:40 PM] Nobody9567: Like it most likely hasnt even registered.
[4:41 PM] Nobody9567: "Why does Ian constantly prefer to hangout with other people" - Ant. Then Ian shows up after a few months, within 5 minutes hes telling him to shut up, muting him, moving him, etc. Yes you can say its all a joke, but sometimes it doesn't feel like that.
[4:41 PM] Smasher: he doesn't just chill out and talk to someone he hasn't seen for a while.
[4:41 PM] Smasher: other than me i guess
[4:41 PM] Smasher: i seriously think he is a different person to me
[4:41 PM] Smasher: sometimes
[4:41 PM] Nobody9567: I have always known that
[4:42 PM] Smasher: i seen it a long time ago
[4:42 PM] Nobody9567: You will always be special to him.
[4:42 PM] Nobody9567: seen what?
[4:42 PM] Smasher: that he's different with me
[4:43 PM] Nobody9567: Yeah, the only time he really gives you shit is when you hangout with Mod (in the past), or when he hasnt seen you in a while.
[4:43 PM] Smasher: although he sort of quit being rude to me once i've not talked to him for a time.
[4:44 PM] Nobody9567: Ian can't say the same
[4:45 PM] Nobody9567: Look man me burning this bridge is not meant to be a gotcha moment for him. Its for me to honestly tell him why I have to let him go, and to give him a chance to want to change.
[4:45 PM] Smasher: i didn't think it was.
[4:45 PM] Nobody9567: Its up to him to take that shot, but he would need therapy and he would never do that.
[4:46 PM] Smasher: eh, it makes sense man.
[4:46 PM] Smasher: i don't think he'll ever understand why
[4:46 PM] Nobody9567: I cant do it anymore man, I just can't.
[4:47 PM] Nobody9567: He will never understand why not truly, but I believe a narcissist can change if they really want to. It is extremely unlikely.
[4:47 PM] Smasher: i guess the main difference is i see all the issues with him that you're saying
[4:47 PM] Smasher: but i'm not sure i believe he's a narcissist.
[4:48 PM] Smasher: he's done altruistic things for people
[4:48 PM] Smasher: myself, alex, ian even
[4:48 PM] Smasher: unless you'd attribute everything decent he's done just to make himself seem better
[4:48 PM] Nobody9567: Kelly's mom is a social worker, did I ever tell you what shes done/said to Kelly.
[4:48 PM] Smasher: likely not.
[4:48 PM] Smasher: i largely distrust social workers anyway.
[4:48 PM] Nobody9567: It makes my skin crawl thinking about how someone like that can be a social worker.
[4:48 PM] Smasher: lol
[4:49 PM] Nobody9567: point is social work is an extremely altruistic job, especially when dealing with handicapped people. Her mom is also very good at it, so she spends all day helping these people and goes home to shit on her daughter.
[4:50 PM] Smasher: what does she say to her?
[4:53 PM] Nobody9567: Stuff you shouldn't say to your kids if you love them, i'll put it at that. Her mother targets her for all her narcissism, and hides it enough to be a good social worker, and to have tons of friends. I have also heard her say some of this shit, so its not jsut word of mouth. Her dad, sister, and friends can also attest to the abuse she puts her through. Ant will compliment me one day, and then literally tell me that my world views are all due to weed the next. That is DESPITE him knowing that weed doesn't work like that (obviously not edibles apparently).  The funny thing is that even though he knows that, and can look it up and read things that attest to that; I can still guarantee his ass would never admit that he was wrong.
[4:54 PM] Nobody9567: If you sat ant down
[4:54 PM] Nobody9567: and you talked to him about how he treated Alex he will completely deny it
[4:54 PM] Nobody9567: because he most likely truly doesn't see what he was doing was wrong.
[4:54 PM] Smasher: i disagree actually, he'll say alex deserved it.
[4:55 PM] Nobody9567: that too
[4:55 PM] Smasher: because alex could be a fag sometimes in the past
[4:55 PM] Smasher: yeah, he wouldn't admit it was wrong.
[4:55 PM] Smasher: only time he admits anything is wrong is if he spends enough time thinking about it
[4:56 PM] Smasher: but often times he just blames the other person, or ignores it
[4:56 PM] Smasher: like, he'll admit he treated lindsay poorly.
[4:56 PM] Smasher: but in the same vein, blame her for much.
[4:56 PM] Smasher: it's an interesting mechanism
[4:56 PM] Smasher: he avoids responsibility but seemingly can admit he's done wrong.
[4:57 PM] Nobody9567: So as to the Alex thing you pretty much said what I was gonna say so I'll drop it.
[4:57 PM] Nobody9567: but yeah thats a good example
[4:57 PM] Nobody9567: he will admit when he does things wrong only when its really obvious, but then he will always justify it no matter what.
[4:58 PM] Nobody9567: like he would completely cut off Alex, and then say "well he siad mean things to mee a month ago"
[4:58 PM] Smasher: i don't think ant is a bad guy, or person. but i do think he never learned how to process emotions, deal with rejection, be humble in disagreements. i think there is some serious things he missed in high school, that he should've learned by socializing.
[4:59 PM] Smasher: a lot of what he does imo is this "popular guy" bravado, where the only people he likes being around is people who won't bother to argue with him, so he never has to face the fact that he might not be the smartest guy in the room.
[4:59 PM] Nobody9567: I think he was completely destroyed by the bullying he received freshmen year. Rather than learn from it, he turned into this.
[4:59 PM] Nobody9567: Jesus dude you get it
[4:59 PM] Smasher: i won't even bother to
[4:59 PM] Smasher: because it's pointless
[4:59 PM] Smasher: and won't bring me any happiness
[4:59 PM] Smasher: and he never acts like a jerk to me so
[4:59 PM] Smasher: lol
[4:59 PM] Smasher: no point for me
[5:00 PM] Smasher: besides
[5:00 PM] Smasher: he just low-key agrees with anything i say
[5:00 PM] Smasher: or refuses to argue with me