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  1. 4:11 PM] Nobody9567: writing a poem and its going well wanna hangout
  2. [4:12 PM] Smasher: just watching the boys atm
  3. [4:12 PM] Smasher: first ep
  4. [4:12 PM] Smasher: also a poem?
  5. [4:12 PM] Smasher: for school or
  6. [4:13 PM] Nobody9567: for me mostly, and to Ant
  7. [4:13 PM] Nobody9567: and is it awesome or nah
  8. [4:13 PM] Smasher: not sure, barely into first ep
  9. [4:13 PM] Smasher: to ant?
  10. [4:13 PM] Nobody9567: yeah
  11. [4:14 PM] Nobody9567: I can't make him understand how I feel about him truly unless I do this. As soon as his hands healed I will give it to him, and we will go from there.
  12. [4:15 PM] Nobody9567: You can read it if you want. Will probably take a few weeks to write though
  13. [4:16 PM] Nobody9567: wont be to long I dont think
  14. [4:16 PM] Nobody9567: Kind of cathartic for me, because if I don't put what I feel right now in words I think my head will explode.
  15. [4:18 PM] Nobody9567: Its not an insult poem or putting him on blast, its just kind of a history of us and how hes appeared to me.
  16. [4:18 PM] Smasher: how come you feel like poetry is the best way?
  17. [4:18 PM] Smasher: what draws you into writing it this way
  18. [4:20 PM] Nobody9567: Mostly because I used to love writing poems, and I feel like its the best way for me to convey my emotions effectively in a way he might understand.  A text wont do it, and there is no way in hell I could ever have this conversation with him face to face.
  19. [4:20 PM] Nobody9567: He'd stop me constantly, say that isnt fair, say thats dramatic etc.
  20. [4:20 PM] Smasher: ah, i see.
  21. [4:21 PM] Smasher: you want to get it all out, and if he feels the need to speak to you about it, then he can.
  22. [4:21 PM] Nobody9567: I imagine that will be his reaction anyway, but he can do with it as he pleases. I know one thing, that I can not continue a relationship with him after this.
  23. [4:21 PM] Smasher: you sure that's what you want though?
  24. [4:21 PM] Nobody9567: Its not what I want, never ever what I wanted. I need to do it
  25. [4:21 PM] Smasher: you need to?
  26. [4:22 PM] Smasher: will you not be able to continue a relationship with him because of him? or because of yourself?
  27. [4:22 PM] Nobody9567: I need to let him go, unless he changes his ways for my own mental health I have to let him go.
  28. [4:22 PM] Smasher: i see.
  29. [4:22 PM] Smasher: out of curiousity, how is it he impacts your mental health? is it just talking to him and how he treats you?
  30. [4:23 PM] Nobody9567: Colton he called me a drug addict, said ill never be an engineer, he said I dont work hard, that im going to be a failure.
  31. [4:23 PM] Smasher: i don't see him every day.
  32. [4:23 PM] Smasher: ah.
  33. [4:23 PM] Smasher: yeah, keep in mind there are things i don't know, like this. i'm not trying to sound like you're nuts for wanting this.
  34. [4:26 PM] Smasher: i just want you to keep in mind that you can control what you do, and how you feel about people. but if you burn a bridge it's no longer in your control. moving out, being away from your brother will solve many of your issues. when you're no longer forced to be around one another you won't have as many issues with him.
  35. [4:26 PM] Smasher: i just don't want to see you burn a bridge with him.
  36. [4:27 PM] Smasher: do what you gotta do, i'll read your poem if you want and tell you what i think.
  37. [4:27 PM] Smasher: i doubt i can help since this is coming from the heart, and you need to say what you need to say.
  38. [4:32 PM] Nobody9567: Before then I waited WEEKS for him to just come up to me and apologize for what he said to me and Kelly. I'm sick of the constant narcissistic things he says to me. I'm sick of the terrible judgement he passes on people, and his complete disrespect/willful ignorance of mental health. I'm sick of constantly wondering if what he did to my sister really happened. I'm sick of wondering if he has ever even meant an apology in his life. I'm sick of wondering if the compliments he gives are genuine or not. I'm sick of how I am a constant shoulder to cry on for him, but when i come to him with my issues he doesn't pay attention. I'm sick of how he doesn't even ask how me and Kelly are doing, how the Visa is going, what my future plans are, whens the wedding, etc. I'm sick of the looks of disgust and judgement he gives me when I am drunk, or high when I just want to have a good time (granted I quit).  I'm  sick of how sad it makes me feel when he constantly tells me he is going to "start that new game finally", and never does. i'm sick of barely being able to look him in the eyes, because all I see is the boy I used to love, and I have to be reminded of what hes become.  I'm sick of him wondering why people stop coming in his discord, and refusing to acknowledge his part in it. Im just done man
  39. [4:32 PM] Nobody9567: I completely agree with what you said, but its to late man
  40. [4:33 PM] Smasher: what he said to you and kelly?
  41. [4:33 PM] Nobody9567: when he basically equated our personal world views to us being high
  42. [4:33 PM] Smasher: oh, i can't remember that.
  43. [4:33 PM] Smasher: i know what you're referring to
  44. [4:33 PM] Smasher: i just don't know what he really was saying
  45. [4:33 PM] Smasher: a lot of what was being said was just general nonsense in that conversation after a bit
  46. [4:34 PM] Nobody9567: when we were talking about the use of the word "normal" for transgenders. And he said "oh are you guys high right now? That explains it"
  47. [4:34 PM] Smasher: oh
  48. [4:34 PM] Nobody9567: And the thing is colton
  49. [4:35 PM] Nobody9567: if I told him that, he would say "Oh thats not what i meant, its YOUR fault for feeling like that." Or he would say "you are being so dramatic" or he would laugh.
  50. [4:35 PM] Nobody9567: anything but Im sorry what i said made you feel like that, it wasn't right.
  51. [4:36 PM] Smasher: i'm trying to think of when he was really different
  52. [4:36 PM] Nobody9567:
  54. [4:37 PM] Nobody9567: Maybe its my rose-tinted googles
  55. [4:37 PM] Nobody9567: goggles
  56. [4:37 PM] Smasher: why is it you think i don't clash with him more?
  57. [4:37 PM] Nobody9567: you never really challenge him
  58. [4:38 PM] Smasher: he never even challlenges me on anything
  59. [4:38 PM] Nobody9567: You remember when Alex would talk about cars and he would cut him off and say no one cares? Can you imagine if someone did that to him when hes talking about Wow.
  60. [4:38 PM] Nobody9567: Except when you dont show up for a while
  61. [4:38 PM] Smasher: he'd probably go quiet then bitch about it later.
  62. [4:39 PM] Nobody9567: Alex truly loves cars, and he just wanted to share that love with his friends. "Wheres Alex" - Ant 2017-2019
  63. [4:39 PM] Nobody9567: He is completely blind to his part in it.
  64. [4:39 PM] Smasher: oh i agree with that.
  65. [4:40 PM] Nobody9567: Like it most likely hasnt even registered.
  66. [4:41 PM] Nobody9567: "Why does Ian constantly prefer to hangout with other people" - Ant. Then Ian shows up after a few months, within 5 minutes hes telling him to shut up, muting him, moving him, etc. Yes you can say its all a joke, but sometimes it doesn't feel like that.
  67. [4:41 PM] Smasher: he doesn't just chill out and talk to someone he hasn't seen for a while.
  68. [4:41 PM] Smasher: other than me i guess
  69. [4:41 PM] Smasher: i seriously think he is a different person to me
  70. [4:41 PM] Smasher: sometimes
  71. [4:41 PM] Nobody9567: I have always known that
  72. [4:42 PM] Smasher: i seen it a long time ago
  73. [4:42 PM] Nobody9567: You will always be special to him.
  74. [4:42 PM] Nobody9567: seen what?
  75. [4:42 PM] Smasher: that he's different with me
  76. [4:43 PM] Nobody9567: Yeah, the only time he really gives you shit is when you hangout with Mod (in the past), or when he hasnt seen you in a while.
  77. [4:43 PM] Smasher: although he sort of quit being rude to me once i've not talked to him for a time.
  78. [4:44 PM] Nobody9567: Ian can't say the same
  79. [4:45 PM] Nobody9567: Look man me burning this bridge is not meant to be a gotcha moment for him. Its for me to honestly tell him why I have to let him go, and to give him a chance to want to change.
  80. [4:45 PM] Smasher: i didn't think it was.
  81. [4:45 PM] Nobody9567: Its up to him to take that shot, but he would need therapy and he would never do that.
  82. [4:46 PM] Smasher: eh, it makes sense man.
  83. [4:46 PM] Smasher: i don't think he'll ever understand why
  84. [4:46 PM] Nobody9567: I cant do it anymore man, I just can't.
  85. [4:47 PM] Nobody9567: He will never understand why not truly, but I believe a narcissist can change if they really want to. It is extremely unlikely.
  86. [4:47 PM] Smasher: i guess the main difference is i see all the issues with him that you're saying
  87. [4:47 PM] Smasher: but i'm not sure i believe he's a narcissist.
  88. [4:48 PM] Smasher: he's done altruistic things for people
  89. [4:48 PM] Smasher: myself, alex, ian even
  90. [4:48 PM] Smasher: unless you'd attribute everything decent he's done just to make himself seem better
  91. [4:48 PM] Nobody9567: Kelly's mom is a social worker, did I ever tell you what shes done/said to Kelly.
  92. [4:48 PM] Smasher: likely not.
  93. [4:48 PM] Smasher: i largely distrust social workers anyway.
  94. [4:48 PM] Nobody9567: It makes my skin crawl thinking about how someone like that can be a social worker.
  95. [4:48 PM] Smasher: lol
  96. [4:49 PM] Nobody9567: point is social work is an extremely altruistic job, especially when dealing with handicapped people. Her mom is also very good at it, so she spends all day helping these people and goes home to shit on her daughter.
  97. [4:50 PM] Smasher: what does she say to her?
  98. [4:53 PM] Nobody9567: Stuff you shouldn't say to your kids if you love them, i'll put it at that. Her mother targets her for all her narcissism, and hides it enough to be a good social worker, and to have tons of friends. I have also heard her say some of this shit, so its not jsut word of mouth. Her dad, sister, and friends can also attest to the abuse she puts her through. Ant will compliment me one day, and then literally tell me that my world views are all due to weed the next. That is DESPITE him knowing that weed doesn't work like that (obviously not edibles apparently).  The funny thing is that even though he knows that, and can look it up and read things that attest to that; I can still guarantee his ass would never admit that he was wrong.
  99. [4:54 PM] Nobody9567: If you sat ant down
  100. [4:54 PM] Nobody9567: and you talked to him about how he treated Alex he will completely deny it
  101. [4:54 PM] Nobody9567: because he most likely truly doesn't see what he was doing was wrong.
  102. [4:54 PM] Smasher: i disagree actually, he'll say alex deserved it.
  103. [4:55 PM] Nobody9567: that too
  104. [4:55 PM] Smasher: because alex could be a fag sometimes in the past
  105. [4:55 PM] Smasher: yeah, he wouldn't admit it was wrong.
  106. [4:55 PM] Smasher: only time he admits anything is wrong is if he spends enough time thinking about it
  107. [4:56 PM] Smasher: but often times he just blames the other person, or ignores it
  108. [4:56 PM] Smasher: like, he'll admit he treated lindsay poorly.
  109. [4:56 PM] Smasher: but in the same vein, blame her for much.
  110. [4:56 PM] Smasher: it's an interesting mechanism
  111. [4:56 PM] Smasher: he avoids responsibility but seemingly can admit he's done wrong.
  112. [4:57 PM] Nobody9567: So as to the Alex thing you pretty much said what I was gonna say so I'll drop it.
  113. [4:57 PM] Nobody9567: but yeah thats a good example
  114. [4:57 PM] Nobody9567: he will admit when he does things wrong only when its really obvious, but then he will always justify it no matter what.
  115. [4:58 PM] Nobody9567: like he would completely cut off Alex, and then say "well he siad mean things to mee a month ago"
  116. [4:58 PM] Smasher: i don't think ant is a bad guy, or person. but i do think he never learned how to process emotions, deal with rejection, be humble in disagreements. i think there is some serious things he missed in high school, that he should've learned by socializing.
  117. [4:59 PM] Smasher: a lot of what he does imo is this "popular guy" bravado, where the only people he likes being around is people who won't bother to argue with him, so he never has to face the fact that he might not be the smartest guy in the room.
  118. [4:59 PM] Nobody9567: I think he was completely destroyed by the bullying he received freshmen year. Rather than learn from it, he turned into this.
  119. [4:59 PM] Nobody9567: Jesus dude you get it
  120. [4:59 PM] Smasher: i won't even bother to
  121. [4:59 PM] Smasher: because it's pointless
  122. [4:59 PM] Smasher: and won't bring me any happiness
  123. [4:59 PM] Smasher: and he never acts like a jerk to me so
  124. [4:59 PM] Smasher: lol
  125. [4:59 PM] Smasher: no point for me
  126. [5:00 PM] Smasher: besides
  127. [5:00 PM] Smasher: he just low-key agrees with anything i say
  128. [5:00 PM] Smasher: or refuses to argue with me
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