PadriacToday at 8:46 AM
I don't know why, or even how to explain it properly, but I've been feeling more depressed than ever all day today and it's not going away.. I just feel like a pile of shit for no apparent reason..
L u c a sToday at 8:47 AM
That'll happen. Just kinda gotta realize that it's one of those days and work through it
PadriacToday at 8:59 AM
I've had bad days before, but this feels different.. usually I just have a sinking feeling in my chest and my mind wanders a lot, but now that feeling is more intense and I have sense of dread in the back of my mind like I've just fucked everything up.. but I've been feeling that way since I woke up, so as far as know nothing specific caused it..
Angie said my emotions would be unpredictable and intense after the EMDR, but now it's getting worse..
L u c a sToday at 9:06 AM
Well there's not really a lot I can do about any of those. It's kind of out of my hands.
PadriacToday at 9:06 AM
I wasn't...
I didn't expect anything from you
L u c a sToday at 9:06 AM
I know you're just wanting to vent.
PadriacToday at 9:06 AM
I just wanted to tell you...
L u c a sToday at 9:06 AM
I just have no idea what to say
PadriacToday at 9:07 AM
Ok
L u c a sToday at 9:07 AM
The only people who would know are my mom and your therapist.
PadriacToday at 9:09 AM
Well one I won't talk to about this and the other cost 120 bucks per conversation, so I just wanted to hear something from someone I care about... and instead I essentially got brushed off, so now I have to try to fight back tears at work
L u c a sToday at 9:10 AM
I didn't brush you off at all.
Like in ANY way.
All I did was tell you I don't know what to say, cuz I don't.
And even said "I Know you're wanting to vent"
PadriacToday at 9:13 AM
You basically just shrugged and said "what do you think I'm gonna do?" I know that's not what you said, I'm paraphrasing. I just wanted literally anything but that from you. Even empty platitudes would've at least done something, but you don't even have that to give.. I'll just try to find comfort in something else after work today. Go to a park or something.
L u c a sToday at 9:14 AM
If that's what I wanted to say, or do, I would've done it.
And I gave you an empty platitude.
You continued on.
Depression itself, I can respond to.
I can't fucking respond to your EMDR which I've never fucking experienced or even know what it's like.
PadriacToday at 9:19 AM
I meant a platitude as in you offering you console me or something, not "oh well, just carry on". I really need a partner right now and all I'm getting is a brick wall. Never mind, idk what I was expecting but this conversation just made it worse. Just going to blast my music until I can't hear my thoughts and keep working.
L u c a sToday at 9:21 AM
....
L u c a sToday at 10:07 AM
Just so you know, I've now told you multiple times that I respond to what I'm given. I've specifically told you that it'll be hard for me to show affection until I'm shown it. I got my surgery packet yesterday and you didn't even say a fuckin word to me.
Nor do you care about making people feel as bad as you. Which is fucking infuriating.
I try to be positive all the damn time. Every fucking day. But almost every day, you get upset/mad at me and then it puts ME into that depression. Almost every fuckin' day. I just tried to talk to Juan about my issues and he did the same shit. Told me he was at a loss for words and I shrugged it off. Sometimes people don't know what to say, it happens. But you've gotta make sure you tell me you were just wanting a partner, that I'm a brick wall, and that you didn't know what you were expecting and that it made it worse.
I dunno what you want from me, but if it's affection/comfort, you already know that it won't be easy for me until I'm shown it
I also know that you have the text from my mom to fix your insurance with Angie. Which would fix the issue.
Which, dunno why you never told me last night, but you didn't really talk to me last night anyway
PadriacToday at 10:23 AM
I have to talk to her billing Rachel, but I can't do that until I'm not working, and even then she's a once a week deal that still costs money. I show you affection constantly; alkost every day I'm kissing, hugging, telling you I love you, the whole schtick, but I guess I need to do more to get it noticed. I didn't know what that packet was, I didn't even know where you went yesterday so I just assumed that was the packet from last time since you've brought that to places before and I didn't look inside. If you want something from me just say so, but if I can't even rely on your shoulder to cry on I've got nothing and noone else. Having the worst day I've had in God knows how many months, fucking crying at work, and instead of hearing something (anything) comforting or loving I'm in the middle of a fucking argument.
L u c a sToday at 10:24 AM
I FUCKING TRIED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING COMFORTING
YOU FUCKING GOT UPSET
It wasn't what you wanted to hear.
I told you what I do. If that doesn't work for you, then I have no idea.
And I was literally sitting there taking pictures of the papers inside the packet on the bed.
You CAN rely on my shoulder. But right now that's not what you want
You want comforting words about something that I have NO experience in and that literally REQUIRES professional help. My mom said "Yeah, he needs to call angie and ask how to manage himself while he's activated, because no one wants to deal with that"
Also, the kissing, the I love you, I'm the one that hugs you a lot of the time. Half the time you try to hug me or pat me while I'm eating. You don't do the whole "shtick"
You said you'd change and do better and that what you were doing wasn't enough, YET NOTHING HAS CHANGED. But now you're doing the whole shtick?
You seem to think that affection is 100% physical other than the I love you.
I stopped coming to you with my issues because this is what happens. Fucking arguments. Whether it's mine or yours, and I ALWAYS come out feeling 10 times fucking worse.
PadriacToday at 10:35 AM
All I fucking wanted was something reminiscent to "it's okay, we can cuddle when you get home" or "I'm here for you if you want to talk" not some magic bullshit you're somehow incapable of doing. I realize that second one is a lot to ask for, but anything is better than what I got. And I show you affection by those little reminders because we don't have the capacity for grand gestures at the moment. Nothing I can think of to try to prove it more is anything you would want from me so I go for the simple but consistent options, which apparently isn't enough. At this point I'd rather just stop talking about it all together and go find something else to alleviate this pain, but my mood is so shot I can't even think of something I could possibly enjoy, and what little options might work I either can't do, wont enjoy, or I'll have to get sent on more errands before I'm allowed to do it. I. Have. NOTHING.
L u c a sToday at 10:36 AM
I don't need grand gestures, which just shows you understand less than I thought
Speaking how much you care about someone, or saying those small things along the day, aren't considered grandiose by my definition, but that's just me.
I've ALSO tried SO hard to tell you things like that. "We can cuddle when we get home" or "I'll be here for you when you get back" and then when you get back IT WASN'T EVEN MENTIONED
Of course I'll be here to fucking cuddle. I've told you to fucking come home and hold me before to try to feel better but it didn't happen. What the fuck is the point of me offering these things if you actually don't need them or use them?
I've told you those things quite a few times. And they're not taken advantage of and ignored. I won't let you fucking tell me I haven't said those things. Even said one of them recently.
Yeah, I was in a GREAT fucking mood, too. I have an hour left to find pain medicine and I'm dealing with this. I ask you to grab smokes or run to Sara's here and there, but lately the errands have been LESS. But you're still gonna complain so idk why I'm pointing that out. You have A LOT. You just see it as nothing.
You not taking advantage of what you have is what got us here. I literally TOLD you to come hom and hold me when you were feeling like shit. But here you are saying I didn't say that. But it doesn't matter that I said it, because you didn't fucking need it and ignored me when you got home.
I HAVE FUCKING TRIED, CODY.
So many times.
And every time I end up depressed as FUCK because you ignore me.
"Oh, cody's gonna hold me because I can help him feel better when he gets home"
"Nope, guess not. Video games."
PadriacToday at 10:46 AM
You said it weeks ago when I didn't need it. Now I do and it's suddenly gone. Plus it was in the middle of the day is was never mentioned again, I forget shot that happened right in front of me fucking 10 minutes ago let alone half a day later. This all sprang up from me needing help and not having anywhere to get it from. Not from you, not from this expensive ass therapist, not even my own fucking family. All of my shit just festers because it has nowhere to go, and shit like this only.makes it worse. This while conversation could've been averted if you'd just treated me like you actually cared about anything I was telling you, but you just threw your hands up and said "nuthin' I say will make you feel better so might as well just not even fucking try". I'm still treated like a fucking errand boy pretty much every day, so every once in a while I hope to get treated like a man who's suffering.
L u c a sToday at 10:46 AM
No, you implied you did need it at the time and I was looking forward to it when you got home, but that's not the point. WHAT THE HELL? IM TREATING THIS LIKE I CARE TOO FUCKING MUCH
Everytime I'm givebn an opportunity, it's not enough for you. You DO have places to bring this stuff, but not places you WANT to bring this stuff. And no, I didn't just throw my fucking hands in the air.
You didn't even notice a fucking surgery packet and didn't even say shit to me last night but here I am, supposed to just be all hunky dorey?
I can't even with you right now.
Well, if you're gonna ask for that, then I guess I will. Do I get to be treated like a man who's suffering? Have a BF here who shows affection other than a hug every couple days and the usual I love you on the way out? I tried to even be more sexually active this entire time. Hasn't changed shit.
This entire conversation could've been avoided, if you didn't want to make me feel like shit for not knowing how to respond, which-- I did respond at first.
Your lack of consideration for ANY of my issues and then your want for me to treat you like you never treat me is fucking asinine.
I offered you what I could, and it wasn't enough. So, you got upset. This is my reaction to you getting upset at me trying to say something nice. It might not have been a lot to you, but it took a lot for me to say. A brick wall? Like the one who stays depressed no matter what I fucking say? Fuck this.
Your affection 100% avoids ANY kind of interaction with anything wrong with me. By now you shrug off that I'm in pain, you don't think any of this medical shit gets to me, you think because you're working and going to therapy, you're the one with all the issues. I have no problem LISTENING, which is what people can do, which normally people would've just said "Well, I don't need you to say anything, just listen" in which case, I fucking would have. YOU'RE THE ONE THAT WANTED TO GET FUCKING UPSET AT ME FOR TRYING.
I'm sitting here saying all the stuff I've said before to try to help and what I've offered, and you say "at the time I didn't need it" and "I forget that stuff fast" and then say "if you acted like you fucking cared." I JUST FUCKING LISTED OFF ALL THE SHIT IVE TRIED TO DO FOR YOU. AND IT FUCKING DEVASTATED ME THAT YOU DIDNT NEED ME AFTER ALL. THE ONE OR TWO FUCKING CHANCES I HAVE TO BE COMFORTING, ACTUALLY DO A GOOD JOB, AND YOU DONT GIVE A SHIT. It's no fucking wonder I have a fucking hard time showing it with you.
Yeah, probably best to end this. I'd like to talk about it later, but your way of moving past issues is to just act like they never happened, so I'll fucking talk to you later I guess.