1 = Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ҉ntelligent FallingҠTheory
2 = Project Manager Leaves Suicide PowerPoint Presentation
3 = Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan
4 = U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: ҙou All Have AIDS,ҠSays U.S.
5 = CIA Realizes Itӳ Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years
6 = 18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown
7 = Gay-Pride Parade Sets Mainstream Acceptance Of Gays Back 50 Years
8 = Struggling Lower-Class Still Unsure How Best To Fuck Selves With Vote
9 = Expert On Anteaters Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters
10 = Drugs Win War on Drugs
11 = Archaeologists Uncover Spooky Race of Skeleton People
12 = Rare Species Of Frog May Hold Cure To…Ah, Never Mind, It’s Extinct
13 = Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule by Swimming with Shirt On
14 = Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List
15 = Michael Phelps Returns To Tank At Seaworld
16 = Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet
17 = Escaped Caterpillar On Rampage Through City
18 = Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
19 = Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers
20 = Hummingbird Back At Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports
21 = Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns
22 = Entire Refrigerator Rearranged To Accommodate Leftover KFC Bucket
23 = Dept. Of Homeland Security: 'Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?'
24 = Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal of Customers
25 = BP Executives Accuse Oil-covered Bird of Playing It Up
26 = Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: 'Oh, Shit," Says Humanity.
27 = Martin Luther King, Jr.: "I had a really weird dream last night"
28 = Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy
29 = Frank Sinatra Warns Russia: Knock it Off
30 = Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'
31 = Crazy Palestinian Gunman Angered By Stereotypes
32 = 79 Percent Of Americans Missing The Point Entirely
34 = God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: 'No,' Says God
35 = Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion- Clinic Attack
36 = Machines: Will they Replace the China-man?
37 = U.S. Soldiers Pull Out of Vietnamese Peasant Girl
38 = New E-toilet to Revolutionize Online Shitting