This was too long to send as a single message

Abbie,

I’m glad you wrote to me.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve been struggling with the words, because I need this to come across the right way and I’m not good at this sort of thing.

“Giving up” is a harsh but fair way to put it, but it’s where I’m at now.  And I hate that, because I really wanted to try it.  I like you a lot, and you’re the first person I’ve ever had any feelings for who’s returned them.  But... I don’t think it will work.

I’m never going to not be busy.  I won’t always be This busy, but I will never have lots of time.  It’s not just a school thing, and it’s not because I’d like to graduate in four years.  I could do less than I’m planning on doing in the future and still graduate when I plan to.  It’s because I want to do a ton of things, and it’s also because I function best when I’m busy.  Now, I don’t need to get overwhelmed, and I can work on only biting off what I can chew.  But if I have too much time, I can’t get anything done.

What this means is that it’s not going to change when I graduate.  It’s going to be a lifelong thing, and... it may mean I never have a relationship.  I’m going to have to make my peace with that.

This is an especially hard time, because this semester will not let up for me, but it’s the only semester you’ll still be here.  I’ll admit that I would prefer not to start a relationship that will inevitably become a long distance one, mainly because I am not good at keeping up contact that way.  If that were the only thing, though, it wouldn’t stop me from giving going out a try.

When I told you I was worried I would mess up dating you, you told me the only way I could do that was if I started dating someone else.  But I don’t believe that’s the only way anymore.  You really deserve someone who has more time than I do.  It’s a problem that I don’t have enough time.  I don’t want you to be unsatisfied by my busy lifestyle forever.  It’s certain that if I started dating you right now, I wouldn’t have time to give you the attention that you really deserve from a partner, and that would absolutely not be okay for a relationship.  I can’t live with you putting in all the work in the relationship, and you absolutely shouldn’t have to live with that, because you deserve someone who can put in the same work that you can, and that can’t be me right now.  This semester, I’ve been at my breaking point where I can’t add anything else to my life, even if I want to.

I didn’t want to hurt you by going into a relationship when I couldn’t put in the energy it deserved, but because I had feelings for you, I wanted to give it a try.  Then life got harder.  I’ve managed to hurt you anyway by leaving you wondering while I gave virtually no indication of where my head was at.

I need you to understand that I am the problem here.  You can figure that out just by looking at my behavior from an objective stance.  I didn’t fully “give up” until very (very) recently, but I’m really sorry that even for a moment, I let it go unspoken of and left you wondering.  I had feelings for you, but I can’t date anyone now and I may never be able to.

The answer is no date.  I’m really sorry.  The last thing I wanted to do was lead you on, and my feelings were genuine, but what I did was functionally the same as leading you on.  That isn’t ok.

I can’t express what I need you to understand.  I think the world of you and I hate having to give up on us.  I had to type this out because it was my best chance of getting at some of the right words.  I would have absolutely preferred to tell you this in person, but I don’t think I would have been able to find the words, and it wouldn’t sound natural if I typed it out then read that aloud to you.  So I have to send it like this.

You’re a wonderful person and you’ll find someone who can give you what you deserve.  I miss talking with you too.  I still want to be friends, if you haven’t decided you want nothing to do with a person who behaves like me (I wouldn’t want to stick around someone with my behavior either, but I can’t leave myself, so I’ll be here).

I don’t know how to end this.  I don’t think endless explanation will help anything, but if your self worth gets hurt from this, then I’ve failed.  I trust your emotional intelligence completely; my worry is that I haven’t communicated my thoughts correctly.  But I can’t want any longer to send this because you’re right; you deserve answers, and faster than I was able to give them.

I can’t talk in person tonight; it’s too late and I may start crying if I try to say words to you out loud.  I should be around late tomorrow night.  I’ll be busy all weekend, but I should be at Thomas most of the time, if you want to talk.

I’m sorry.

P.S. this was the worst possible way to send this, but I wanted you to get the whole message at once.  It’s too late tonight for me to do anything except this, and I don’t want you to wait any longer than you have to for this.