Give Me a Hand

It’s two am on a Saturday night sometime in 2014, and somehow I am naked in bed with a whole ass woman. I wish I could say that I expected to be here, that this was my plan all along, but the truth is I’d been crushing for weeks and I hadn’t said shit.
But then we caught eyes at the party, and she beckoned me over, and then we were talking, and then we were kissing, aaaaaand then we were leaving. And I was amped cause this never happens to me, and then we got back to her house, and then she asked me to take my clothes off, and I said yes, and then she asked me if I wanted to keep going, and I said yes, and she asked if I had a condom, and I said yes, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then!

And then, she asked me to choke her.

Umm, what?

You know, put your hands around my neck, and, you know, choke me.

And honestly, I mean really, like, that’s not my usual vibe, and I wasn’t even remotely prepared. And I started to wonder, like, is she cool? Should I call somebody? Like, is her mental health alright? Why would a person wanna be choked like that? Why would she trust me to choke her like that?

And I think she could tell I was thinking all that, and that I was nervous, cause she laughed a little. And then she told me that sometimes the best thing in the world was having a man’s hand at her throat and still feeling safe. And then she asked me again, to choke her.

And I thought about how much she had already trusted me. To make eye contact with me, to call me over, to invite me into her home, to be bare, and warm, and wet with me. I had never thought about strength, about forcefulness, about dominance like that before. Like it could be safe, like I could be safe.

And so I wrapped my fingers around her neck, and she breathed yes, and I started squeezing gently, so gently, and I folded into her, and her back arched, and we both exhaled, and she said harder, and I breathed yes, and then, and then, and then, and then!

And then, afterwards, when we laid there, perfectly relaxed, I kissed every inch of her neck. I curled up next to her, and we whispered for a long time. And even later, I laid there, half asleep, and I watched as her body rose and fell with each breath.

In, and out, and soft, and hard, and so alive.