Nothing I say in this journal is an attempt to make anyone feel sorry for me at all. This is me being as honest as I possibly can be. I know that in parts of it I might sound critical, blunt, perhaps brutally honest with my thoughts, feelings and perspectives about certain things, perhaps revealing things that were at one time meant to be private thought or words between two people who I thought loved each other with both their hearts and minds, for that I apologize to them in advance.
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I write this to try to release some of the pain that lives in my heart now through words, rather then the only other option I see to not feel so much terrible pain in my heart and mind....my wrists and throat.
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I sincerely hope with all my heart that what I have to say in this journal does not make anyone sad, hurt or makes them feel bad or cry, that is not my intention at all.
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This is for me a very, very, very hard journal to write. As i write it I am crying so much inside and outside actual tears. I have spent the last week and a half almost non stop crying my eyes out because my heart is in so much pain. I suppose the place to start is at the beginning of what made me feel more happiness and joy then I had ever felt before.

Sometime in late 2013 to early 2014 I met someone on Skype named Sterling Pinion, I forget how we met first, it might have been through someone named Vivid Brush. I talked with him about many things and eventually he told me about him being ABDL. I had no idea what that was, I had never heard of such a thing before.

I thought that there were only two types of people who wore diapers. Those who are old, sick people who were unable to move so that they could go to a toilet either through old age, post surgery or some sort of mental disorder (Cerebal Palsy and other things like that) and those who were actual babies or toddlers, young people who were not potty trained yet and used "babyish" things such as bottles, pacifiers and onesies.

He told me that adults wear diapers for comfort, security, pleasure and act as babies or small children to gain some sort of feeling of safety in their lives. The idea of all that for some reason intrigued me greatly for reason I did not understand and i did research on what it was to be an ABDL. What I read on the sites he referred me to through webpage links made so much sense to me and I had discovered that I was one of them, I was an AB.

Soon thereafter we started to talk and sometimes play as if he was a babysitter for my little OC baby character. it felt so right and natural to me the things I typed on the screen, but came from my heart. We seemed to talk for hours non-stop, even when he was at work at a place where he made parts for if I remember correctly electronics. He told me that he wasnted to be an engineer after college was done.

Over the next few months we grew very close and started to care for each other more then just normal friends would, I dare say we started to love each other in some way. We would talk about many things in those many hours seven days a week, my dark past, his concerns about some in his family not liking him wearing or using diapers and how their apparent lack of sympathy for who he was inside. We spoke of things we liked to do and what our fetishes were and turn ons we had.

One day we were talking and he asked me something along the lines of "Could i be your IRL ABDL parent?" I was floored with the offer and I accepted the offer without hesitation, I already felt through our role plays with him, myself and a few others that he already filled that role of parent to my AB little self.

After he had became my official and only AB parent (my Momma), our talks became somewhat more intimate and we started to discuss our relationships. he was in a relationship or had a crush on someone, but had started to have feelings for someone else. He asked for my advice in how to tell this new crush how he felt about him.

A few days later I was a little hurt inside when I saw him post in a brony Skype chatroom "Wheeeeeeee I have a Coltfriend!" I had started to fall in love with him through getting to know him, but because I loved him in the way I did not only as his little one, but also as his friend and more, I decided to give him my advice when he asked me what he should do or say when he started to have doubts about his feelings for this person. Not to make him like me, but to try to help him give strength to his new relationship, to make it grow, to make their relationship last forever.

In talking to him about those relationship things i was always honest on my feelings and always showed compassion for him and his new BF. In doing so he started to develop romantic feelings for me, the same he felt for his BF. He ended his relationship with him and started to talk with me about the possibility of us being together in a romantic and sexual way. I said i would love that (I was in love with him after all.)

We decided to meet IRL in cleveland, Ohio and spend a night together not only as Momma and little one, but as possibly something more. That night we had do much fun together. We got lost trying to find the sushi place (I have no sense of direction at all), we ate sushi (something I had never considered doing before and I loved it) and then we went to get a motel room together. That night we watched my little pony on his laptop, we cuddled and snuggled, he changed my diaper, he gave me my bottle and pacifier, we even tried some private stuff, then we slept in each others comforting and loving embrace.

The next morning we went to breakfast and I asked him if he would consider becoming my boyfriend. He said he would think about it and then later that day he went home to Cincinnati, Ohio.

A few days later he said he had an answer for my proposal and he turned me down because of my age (I was 36 and he was 21) and for other reasons. Hearing him reject my advance was a little disappointing, but he said his feelings for me as my Momma had not changed and that he loved me as his AB child. I was very happy with that.

Time went by and we grew closer as a family of two. We could talk about anything both ways and share so much of what made us who we are and we played so much. he even took me on his family vacation with him (using Skype and google+) I felt so honored and special by that rare privilege. He came up to Cleveland and drove a U-Haul for me so i could move to Richmond, Ky, in between moving two apartments we got a room and did all those things we did

Eventually he got back into contact with someone he had feelings for earlier in his life and they started dating. Him and by extension them being happy together was my only desire and concern, I was overjoyed with him being so giggly and happy talking about how he felt about his new special somepony.

We continued to have lots of fum playing with each other as momma and her little colt "Amethyst Apple." Sometime in the midst of all the things I mentioned above we talkied and made an OC pony to be a physical representation of him as my pony momma. I thought so hard about a name for her and what she might look like. I had found a picture of a Goldenrenette apple (Rene for short) and told him of the name. he loved it and decided to name her that. I was overjoyed by that and felt very close to him, more so when he drew her and she was the most beautiful mare I had ever seen, I loved her and him even more as my momma. I felt so close to him.

The months that followed were so blissful between us, we had so much fun and talked so lovingly to each other. He went as far as to say to me one day "you are my little one, I will never let you go." He said that he wasn't speaking of the pony OC of mine, but to me as his IRL little one. I finally had a family member that would never forget, abandon, or pretend that i do not exist....or so I thought.

For a while things were slow due to him starting college, trying to spend time with his boyfriend, spending time with his IRL family, working at a pizza place as a delivery driver and other things that interested him. I was alright with the limited time together due to him being so busy with things he had to do to learn, grow, be successful in life, make money and maintain the relationships he had in his non Skype life.

Things started to go downhill within the matter of a month or so. As mentioned he started to speak to me less and less, when he did it was for only a tiny amount of time maybe for half an hour to little as a few minutes a day. then it became once every few days. That started to hurt me inside a little, but I was alright with it, he must have been very busy.

Things got very sad when one day after not speaking with him at all for three weeks I went into Skype and decided to send him a message saying hi and then give him a nuzzle or cuddle because I was missing my momma so much. I saw that his Skype name was no longer "Rene (sterling)", but was only "Sterling." I was very confused by that and asked him why Rene was gone from his name, did i do something wrong or was i bad?

He told me that he removed that name because he no longer role plays using that pony, so he no longer wished to be known as that. Him saying that crushed me inside. was that all she was to him a disposable name that became boring to use? I loved her, I helped make her, I named her, she was my momma as a pony and she was a part of my heart. I felt inside that he no longer loved me, that he abandoned me, but I didn't say that to him. I hid my pain so that he would not become sad or feel guilty for breaking a part of my heart.

Things have dissolved even more since then. It has been another three week period since he has attempted to speak to me at all. The last time we spoke on Skype I saw that he had an all new Skype avatar I saw his avatar was him and his boyfriend in an embrace. I thought it was very good looking and he told me that his boyfriend had commissioned it to be made for them. That made me a little happy that he had someone that loved him that much, someone who loved him as much as I did, just in a different way. I asked him if i could see the whole thing because it was cropped to fit Skype, for all i knew the rest of pic was NSFW and cropped for good reason. he responded that he would show whole thing, but he would have to dig for it. I asked him what he means and he said "I'm not sure." He had a new name as well "WhirleyDerg (sterling) I asked waht the name meant and he said it had something to do with dragons.

Again I thought about contacting him to talk to him about all the feelings I have inside me that were making me cry so much. I saw his avatar and name and then I thought to ask his boyfriend if he was alright, I knew if I spoke to him I would be unable to speak without crying and then probably run away, going offline to avoid the pain. i saw that the BF had a tumblr link in his personal info thing. I clicked on it and saw another pic of them that was beautiful on his Tumblr page. Looking through the page i saw that momma, his BF and many others had talked on the page several time over the past few weeks (the same time that I was forgotten about), in the page i saw a link to WhirleyDergs page and I went to it and saw the whole image I asked to see uncropped, it wasn't NSFW, it was amazingly cute. Yet another link too me to Sterlings "WhirleyDerg" page. In it I saw all the pics he made of dragons and stuff, mentions of him streaming and making art and talking to many others.

What happened, why did he abandon me, why was I forgotten and thrown away like an old dirty shoe? *I am crying as i write this now* Was it because he has found many new types of shoes to wear and no longer wishes to know of me, what in the name of whatever did i do wrong to make him not love me anymore, what did i do to make him forget all the wonderful things he said to me in over a year, he said that he would teach me to draw, teach me to drive in preparation to take a drivers test (when I eventually took one), help me study for the GED (again when i was to take it), he suggested that someday perhaps we could live as a family (him, me and his BF), said that would do so many things because he said he loved me not only as a person, but also as his AB little one.

What is wrong with me, that all who have known me in the past have claimed to love me and then when it got a little boring or times got tough they run away from me as fast as they can. My IRL mother, step-father brother, sister, all the friends i have ever had did the same thing to me.

For so long I did everything I could to hide myself from the world, making sure no one would ever see me or even notice that I am alive, the reason being I was never able to handle being abandoned and betrayed by those I thought truly did love me.

I feel like a used shoe or piece of garbage like an empty 20oz bottle of soda, no longer needed because what they or he wanted was used and now is gone, so they no longer need the thing that held all that emotion and love and the best thing is to throw it away, letting it sit in a landfill and rot alone.

I feel so bad now and have for a month, there hasn't been a moment other then when I sleep that I have not thought about taking one of the three box cutters i have sitting on PC desk and using them to end the life that no one wants to be a part of anymore.

The only thing other then the slim hope that momma might come back that has kept me from harming myself is the fact that I have a little one now, a little fox kit named Foxii and a little one who is a dragon pup named Glacero.

I love them with all my heart, mind and soul. I would NEVER abandon them for the sake of being with the man I love, the new friends I make, the job I happen to have, the educational pursuits I have, to deal with IRL family issues or to do something that I like to do (in my case it is RP with family and play video game, in mommas case it is drawing and making things using his skills in engineering.) Yes, at times my life might be busy, very busy, but I would make time to be with those I claim to love, I would fulfill the promises I made in the name of being a family and I would never do anything that would hurt their feelings and make them feel as I do now...used up, disposed of, forgotten, feared, disliked, as an annoyance and as someone who was nothing more then a temporary plaything. I am a person, I have a heart that is now broken, I now spend all my time at home and work crying, rather then talking to others that I love with my heart...Emerald, Vivid, Zacory, apple Star, Applejack, Cliff Dixon and so may others, too many to mention by name here.

I did not write this to make momma feel bad, I would never ever want to make him sad, in truth i still love him so much. Not as a potential lover, not a just another friend, not as someone I had fun with, but as my only IRL AB Momma.

I am so sorry to all, that I was so inconsequential to all of you, please forgive me for what i might have to do. *cry*