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September 8, 2009 - plane bashir misc morgan

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  1. Flair came out and said wow, another packed house. LOL. Flair claimed that Matt Morgan was all pissed off about getting screwed at the PPV. He is? I could have sworn he forgave the referee when Eric was chewing him out. Flair said during the Morgan vs. Jarrett rematch at the PPV he (Flair) would be the special referee. Flair did a promo about how Morgan was no longer his friend and Morgan needed to keep an eye on him because he was GOD, and when Morgan died he was going to have to go through Flair. Fans were cheering Flair. He said if Morgan didn't like the idea of Flair as ref he was going to have to go through him in the ring tonight. Yes, Ric Flair, the heel, valiantly challenged the giant to a fair fight later tonight. And you wonder why nobody ever gets over on this show. Including Ric Flair. "YOU'RE WRESTLING RIC FLAIR!" he screamed, "GOD! I'LL SEE YOU IN TWO HOURS!" Morgan threatened to shove his boot up Flair's ass. I could have sworn people booed him. That would be no surprise now, would it?
  2.  
  3. Flair vs. Morgan. Lots of chants for Morgan early. Flair tried to have his formula match against a big stiff. Ref took a bump about a minute in and Flair blatantly kicked Morgan in the nuts. People were going "WHOO~!" Morgan beat the crap out of him at ringside. Flair was bleeding from the head and Morgan was bleeding from the back. Show went off the air in the middle of this match. It continued on Reaction. Morgan gave him a chokeslam, and he wasn't fucking around with it, getting Flair way up in the air. Fortune hit the ring and attacked Morgan. I should note the referee was still dead. He got knocked out five minutes ago. So much for Dixie caring about the well-being of her workers. As Fortune was beating up on Morgan, Doug Williams suddenly turned on the group and started laying them out. Fans clearly had no idea what the hell was going on. And why should they? He laid out a bunch of guys and then they all disappeared. Morgan, in the ring, hit Flair with his big kick, then the ref rolled in to slowly count the pin. Doug was shown on the ramp smiling at his former team. "I'm really confused by that!" Taz said. I'm not. Russo wrote a show. Your average Impact.
  4.  
  5.  
  6. Championship Wrestling from Florida with Bryan's Friend Vince (April 18, 1987)
  7. Matt Striker introduced the show, talking about how he and his grandfather used to imitate Gordon Solie.
  8.  
  9. ~~~~
  10.  
  11. Kurt and Karen are getting a divorce. That's about all we confirm and it's common knowledge backstage at TNA. Kurt claimed on Bubba the Love Sponge that he asked for it, and other sources are claiming that she asked for it. Not that it really matters in the end. They're getting along fine backstage at the shows but it's likely one of the reasons that a lot of the Kurt/Karen storylines that have been planned have since been axed. I suppose this also means that his planned reality show is history. That footage is really interesting in hindsight because when I watched it I figured the whole thing was largely bullshit, because I could not believe in real life that Kurt would, for example, get drunk in first class on an airplane and force his wife to fly coach. Maybe he would. Anyway, sucks for the two children, and that's really the bottom line.
  12.  
  13. There was an incident with Jeff Hardy at the Nashville International Airport last week as he was attempting to fly home to Raleigh, NC. Southwest Airline officials determined that he was intoxicated and had him escorted off the plane. He went willingly and was cooperative and thus they did not feel a need to get the police involved. He was told they would provide him with another flight home later but he refused, saying he would book his own return flight. It was the talk of WWE for a couple of days, at least initially when people only knew that he'd been involved in some sort of incident at the airport. All sorts of rumors were flying, particularly when Southwest Airlines refused to return calls on the incident. WWE told some who asked that they were investigating and would take appropriate action if necessary. In the end, they determined that it wasn't a major deal and there aren't expected to be any repercussions. I would, however, think they would be very hesitant at this point to put the title on him, not that they were ever hesitant to put the title on the equally nutty Randy Orton.
  14.  
  15. ~~~~
  16.  
  17. Bashir vs. Consequences Creed. You're going to think I am joking, but I am not – Bashir's music starts with the sound of a plane going down. A PLANE GOING DOWN. THE SHEIK. He is bigger than ever, seemingly 20 pounds heavier than last week, and covered in acne. Remember those TNA drug tests? Yeah. Bunch of guys failed. No, seriously. Then they were told they failed. Then life went on. And this company is so under the radar that nobody gives a shit. They had a basic TNA TV match that the people were into. It wasn't bad. So after all the promos, Creed missed a spot in the corner and the Sheik rolled him up and pinned him with his feet on the ropes. Then plane crashed again. Fuck this place.
  18.  
  19. It gets better. Creed, the babyface, bitched to the ref, and even though 95% of TNA matches end with some sort of fuck finish, the ref restarted this one. Creed then hit a sunset flip, Bashir held the ropes, the ref kicked out his hands, and Creed pinned him. Nothing like having a match and both guys lose. Bashir screamed at ref Shane Sewell afterwards and finally slapped him. So Shane flipped his lid, ripped his shirt off, fired up and beat the holy shit out of Bashir. Shane looked like the best worker on the entire show and the place went batshit for this. It was so awesome. YEAH SHANE SEWELL.
  20.  
  21. ~~
  22.  
  23. Creed & Jay Lethal vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir & Petey Williams. Bashir's gimmick doesn't work in TNA and I'll tell you why. There are two types of characters in this company. There are the kind that we're supposed to take seriously like AJ Styles and Samoa Joe. (I'm not saying we do take anyone seriously. But we're SUPPOSED to.) Then there are the cartoon characters like Shark Boy and Curry Man and such that we're not supposed to take seriously. Problem is, SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR is essentially a comic book character that we're supposed to take seriously. A spot of some sort was botched near the finish and Petey basically did a flip into the ring and landed right on his head. Lethal made a big comeback and laid out both guys with a double DDT. Finish was a clusterfuck. Basically, Bashir went up top and Creed tossed him off. Bashir bonked into Petey who got rolled up by Lethal for the pin. Because in TNA, you see, partners must fight all the time, perpetually. Bashir and Petey got into it afterwards and they sent the geeks in. Yes, geeks sent in two matches in a row. This is also heel vs. heel. The only good thing I can say about this is that the fans were chanting "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!".
  24.  
  25. ~~~
  26.  
  27. Petey Williams vs. Consequences Creed for the X-Title. All on the mat early and it was good. They did a spot where Rakha tried to kick Creed outside but accidentally hit the rail. Problem was, he didn't duck. Rakha is so comically bad. Sheik Abdul Bashir came out on the ramp to watch. Well there's an obvious feud for you, Bashir vs. Creed and his US flag trunks. Creed made his big comeback and hit a stomach-breaker, but then Bashir hit the apron. Creed knocked him off and hit a flip dive onto both guys outside. He went for his finisher on Petey in mid-ring, but Bashir ran in and kicked him in the gut for the DQ. "It was so blatant," Don said, so apparently that's the DQ rule. It's Ok to run in and have catfights and hold a guy so your partner can hit him, but if it's TOO blatant it's a DQ. So then after the match Petey, who had been saved by Bashir, yelled at Bashir for interfering in his match. No joke.
  28.  
  29. ~~~
  30.  
  31. The Iraqi Guy, whatever his new name is, cut a promo. He cut a generic Mean Foreigner promo, but at least unlike the Mean Heels on Smackdown he spoke English. He said he didn't love Lady America, he just loved raping her. This clearly is not TV PG. Jay Lethal vs. The Middle Eastern Nightmare. I'm waiting to see if they go this entire match without saying his name. Tenay just called him "The Sheik". Now Don West called him "the Sheik". Ah, there we go, Abdul Bashir. Kudos to Don. Match was fine. Then we got the finish. Lethal kept pounding on him in the corner. Ref was telling him to stop but Lethal refused. Ref finally pulled him off, allowing Bashir the opportunity to take a spike out of his boot and clonk Lethal with it. So yes, this dumbshit babyface's idiocy cost him the match. Bashir won with his finish, called the WMD. Sonjay then ran out afterwards and hit the helpless Lethal with a 450.
  32.  
  33. ~~~~~
  34.  
  35. 1. Petey Williams vs. Consequences Creed for the X-Title. They did some mat wrestling early and a wacky highspot that involved lots of JUMPING by Creed. Fans were booing the hell out of Creed and cheering Petey. This is what happens when you're supposed to be a heel but all you do is cool moves. On the bright side, regardless of who they were cheering, they were cheering. Creed did a flip dive and came up short and hit the back of his head on the apron. That had to suck. Creed did a wacky dance and dropped into the splits and Petey broke it up with a dropkick. This was supposed to be a heel spot but the people popped huge and chanted "PETEY!" Didn't help that Creed was booked like a bumbling fool here. Creed hit a sweet superkick and made his big comeback. The people chanted "LET'S GO PETEY!" Creed avoided the destroyer and the people were not happy about that. Creed went for something and Petey turned it into a sharpshooter. Creed got the ropes. That would have been a great finish. Creed made another comeback and hit his DDT, then followed it up with a super legdrop. Petey kicked out. Rakha hit the ring. This was not a DQ. He gave her the TKO. They must love being on PPV where they can hit girls. Petey tried the destroyer but Creed sat down on him. Out came Sheik Abdul Bashir. This had been so great. Bashir hit him with a chair, then Petey hit the destroyer for the pin. Really good, but would have been better without all the bullshit. In fact, after the finish Don West said, and I quote: "IT JUST PISSES YOU OFF!" Word. (***1/4)
  36.  
  37. Bashir cut a promo on Creed, so apparently they're doing the foreigner vs. dude representing USA angle. Problem was, people hated the dude representing the USA so they didn't care about Bashir yelling at him.
  38.  
  39. ~~~
  40.  
  41. Samoa Joe & Kevin Nash vs. AJ Styles & Daniels. Joe wasn't wearing his face paint this evening. Match was awesome. Then Nash tagged in. Why is he in this match? The answer is that so he could pin Chris Daniels. The PPV main event is Daniels vs. AJ vs. Joe and Kevin Nash got the pin in this match. This business has SO passed me by. Nash did a promo afterwards saying Eric Young stole his belt and his sixty grand, so he was going to git him. I guess he's a babyface now too. No angles to set anything up. So Eric Young appeared backstage and said if Nash was looking for him he wasn't hard to find. He said he had an earth-shattering announcement last week that was going to shake TNA to its foundations. I'll bet not.
  42.  
  43. ~~~
  44.  
  45. The company did a UFC-style post-show press conference afterwards where they brought out Eric Young, Matt Morgan, Chris Daniels (to show he was alive I guess) and Sting to answer questions. Everyone talked about their matches in character and there wasn't much of note. Sting did say he really didn't know if this was his last match or not. TNA is so weird right now, because half the stuff they do involves UFC-style promotion (hype specials, post-show press conferences, ref stoppages during submissions, etc.) and serious pro-wrestling style matches (Morgan vs. Angle and Sting vs. AJ), and the other half is ass-backward booking, storylines and stip matches out of 1997, and random goofiness. The amalgamation is not working, but apparently Dixie Carter doesn't have the balls to decide to do it one way or the other.
  46.  
  47. ~~~~
  48. Lauren interviewed Kevin Nash and Eric Young about their match next. If you recall, Eric has offered Nash $60,000 to take out Hernandez. Nash said this was a win-win for everyone.
  49.  
  50. 3. Kevin Nash vs. Eric Young vs. Hernandez for the Legend's title. I just love that we have a bout for the LEGEND'S CHAMPIONSHIP and among the participants are ERIC YOUNG and HERNANDEZ. Now granted, I don't see Kevin Nash going into the Observer Hall of Fame anytime soon, but at least he's been around forever and been a main eventer in all three companies. Nash and Eric worked together early, then Hernandez made a big comeback and ran wild. Nash's bumps were beyond horrible. Young was bleeding from the back of the head. Hernandez also got his mouth busted open. This show is cursed. He hit his big Undertaker-style dive to the outside and wiped out Young. Nash was about to go for the powerbomb on Hernandez but Eric shoved Hernandez headfirst into Nash's penis, then covered Nash for the pin. "Holy swerve!" said Taz. So there you go, Eric Young is the KING OF THE LEGENDS. (*)
  51. ~~~~~
  52. Sept 15, 2009
  53.  
  54. Eric Young cut a promo with World Elite backstage. Friendly tip to Vince Russo: STOP SCRIPTING EVERY SINGLE PERSON TO SAY, "YOU SEE" IN EVERY SINGLE PROMO. Driving me batty.
  55.  
  56. They showed a "security camera" tape of Rhino walking up to Lashley while he was training at his MMA gym, getting face-to-face with him, and then beating the shit out of him. You have to be kidding me.
  57.  
  58. AJ & Daniels vs. Kurt & Samoa Joe. Matt Morgan came out to corner Angle as promised. Kurt looked shocked. Sting was out there watching as well. Good guys ran wild until Joe gave AJ the uranage and they went to work. It was really good. Daniels got the hot tag and ran wild on both guys. He killed Angle with the BME and AJ followed it up with the big splash, but Joe broke it up with a back splash. Joe got a chair and the ref was distracted. So Morgan held up a chair for Kurt. Kurt went to throw AJ into it but AJ put on the brakes and did a switch. Morgan kept holding the chair and acted shocked. AJ then rolled up Angle for the pin. Good finish and at least we got a good main event here. Angle screamed at him afterwards and Morgan acted like he'd fucked up. Kurt finally slapped him, so Morgan, after all these weeks, picked him up and gave him the Hellevator. And then we got the dirt-worst of TNA. This angle, an angle that actually had a slow build and culminated here, was so important that they IMMEDIATELY CUT AWAY to THE FUCKING WORLD ELITE. You have to be kidding me. THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE MAIN ANGLE LEADING TO THE MAIN EVENT AT THE PPV? They had Homicide and said if Hernandez didn't come out they were going to kill his friend. Hernandez came out and cleared the ring of all the heels, but then Homicide killed him with a chairshot to join World Elite. The angle was good, but no way they should have done two huge angles back to back like this. Complete overkill and it took the edge off the Morgan/Angle deal, which was supposed to be the big angle leading into the PPV.
  59.  
  60.  
  61. Smackdown
  62.  
  63. ~~
  64.  
  65. Sept 22, 2009
  66.  
  67. AJ wins the title at No Surrender
  68. The big news from the weekend was another huge shakedown in TNA as both Jim Cornette and BG James were released and old Russo crony Ed Ferrara was hired on. BG was good friends with Jeff Jarrett, and with him losing power this was considered a formality. BG knew he was on the bubble and had been working hard of late. The UK Sun reported that Cornette had been fired after he pitched a fit over the push of Eric Young. Stacy Cornette, Jim's wife, posted this on her Facebook last week: "For all of the fans -- this is complete horse shit. Just another way for Russo to try and smear Jim. I'm actually dumbfounded that this was even reported on. Jim WILL make a comment on this this week -- not to worry. Vince Russo is going under the bus." She ended up pulling it. We're told that something did happen, but it wasn't a huge blow-up or even any bigger than any other blow-up Cornette has had of late. It stemmed from the show two weeks ago where Eric Young was in about six segments on the show. Cornette was asking why the fuck they were pushing the guy in six segments on the show when he didn't even have a match on the PPV. To be honest, when recapping that episode on our radio show I think I realistically blew a bigger gasket than Cornette did.
  69.  
  70. As much as we've talked about unfiltered Vince Russo over the last several weeks, he hadn't been unfiltered and had, in fact, been working with Cornette. Cornette was playing the old Vince McMahon role when working with Russo in the mid-'90s, that being the guy who would take one of Russo's wacky overbooked ideas and say, "Listen, what if we do it this way?," and the end result would end up better. He'd been praised by nearly everyone as a booking genius and had put together a lot of the better segments in recent weeks. So then Russo apparently approached Dixie Carter about bringing in Ferrara. Ferrara was Russo's sidekick both in WWE and WCW until the two had a falling out. They've gotten back together of late, but the deal was that since Cornette and Ferrara were not on good terms (to say the least -- there was at least one physical confrontation between the two) Cornette would have to be fired for Ferrara to come in.
  71.  
  72. And so, yes, in two thousand and nine, Jim Cornette was fired to make room for the return of Ed Ferrara, who hasn't even been working in the wrestling business in years. With Cornette, Dutch Mantell and Jeff Jarrett all out of the picture, this will be the most unfiltered Russo since WCW. Maybe he's learned a ton. Or maybe it'll be exactly what most people expect it to be, a disaster. And if it is, TNA has nobody to blame but themselves.
  73.  
  74. On his Cornette's Collectibles page, this was written: "Thanks everyone for your kind words but, we are REALLY OK about all of this. Gives us more time to make QUALITY products for Cornette's Collectibles and devote our time to wrestling we actually enjoy being apart of." Of course, it was written before the Ed Ferrara news broke.
  75.  
  76. The PPV itself was your average middle-of-the-road TNA show with some good wrestling, some bad wrestling, some stuff that was really entertaining and some stuff that completely sucked. In the main event AJ Styles won the title from Angle after Matt Morgan laid out Angle with a big boot and both Sting and AJ had the chance to get the title. The storyline was that AJ nearly quit a few weeks back, but Sting talked him into staying and motivated him to do his best in this match. In a way it can be argued that letting AJ win devalued the title, but the way it came across at the time was that Sting fought and fought to win the belt and the match, but then when it came down to the moment of truth he realized that he was a 50-year-old man, his time had passed, and he'd encouraged this guy to come back and he'd be a dick to steal the glory from him. I liked the finish a lot, and I liked the fact that they did a huge celebration afterwards to try to put over the importance of the entire deal. A lot of the success or failure of this angle will be determined by the follow-up on Impact this week and how they set up Sting vs. AJ at Bound for Glory, which on the surface, after what happened here, makes no sense.
  77.  
  78. The opening video package was so fucking wacky. About ¾ of it was made to be an old-school silent film but with goofy music of which I could have sworn the main lyrics were "I'm LOL'ing!" If that's not what they were saying it may as well have been.
  79.  
  80. They actually had brackets for the women's title tournament.
  81.  
  82. 1. Taylor Wilde & Sarita vs. Beautiful People for the women's tag titles. Good girls had matching gear this evening. That's the good news. Bad news is that they didn't do the entrance where they jumped high in the air and bumped asses. So then Velvet and Madison came out and the announcers calmly explained that due to visa issues Angelina was no longer with the company. Tenay said they wished her all the best in her future endeavors. I love that saying. Earl Hebner ran out before the match and kicked Slick Johnson out since he's been fucking Madison in storyline. Hopefully the Beautiful People win and it comes out that Velvet was fucking Earl. Good guys ran wild on Velvet early. Madison cut off Sarita for the heat. Selling is not what she does best, so this wasn't much. Taylor made a hot tag and ran wild on Madison. Broke down into a four-way, then Taylor pinned Madison with a double-team springboard dropkick/German combo. That was anticlimactic. (*1/2)
  83.  
  84. Lauren was backstage with Sarita and Taylor. They basically said YAY and talked about how they loved teaming together. Well, that's something different. A team that doesn't hate each other.
  85.  
  86. Borash interviewed Eric Young. They're doing a gimmick where Eric Young doesn't understand English, so he has Kiyoshi translate for him. The translation consists of Kiyoshi talking to him in Japanese, and THAT Eric understands. So yes, wacky comedy in an otherwise serious angle. So stupid. Eric said even though he was scheduled to face Hernandez he still wanted him to join World Elite, so he was going to go out in his suit and let Hernandez do anything he wanted, and he wouldn't lay a hand on him.
  87.  
  88. 2. Eric Young vs. Hernandez. Hernandez came out and beat the shit out of him. Eric, the heel, kept his word and didn't raise a finger. So Hernandez gave him the border toss and pinned him. What the hell was that? (DUD)
  89.  
  90. Matt Morgan did a promo saying the games were over. No more tricks, no more head games, just violence. The future, he said, was now.
  91.  
  92. 3. Daniels vs. Samoa Joe. Going into this, I had no idea which guy was the X Division Champion. WWE is doing a better job with their tag titles than TNA is doing with the X-Title. Think about that. They showed the recap and apparently Joe is the champion. They had an awesome list of X-FACTORS going into this one: "Daniels escapes Asylum." This was in reference to his win last month in the cage. So yes, a win last month is an X-Factor for a match this month. Next was "FRIENDS BECOME FOES." That's always sad. And finally, "Personal issues strike a nerve." Was this the throw-away comment Daniels made about Joe's family that Joe took so seriously? Daniels ran wild early and hit a huge tope to the outside. Daniels went for a dive in the ring and got uranage'd in midair. That has to suck. Way less heat early than they used to have during their classics back in the day. Awesome moment when they said Joe had an extensive MMA background, and then he immediately applied a NERVE HOLD. Daniels made a comeback and hit a huge top rope legdrop. Joe rolled outside and Daniels followed it up with a split-legged moonsault. Joe sold it like he was dead and Daniels couldn't lift his massive girth. But he was playing possum. Joe cut him off again and went to work on his knees. He actually did a cool sitting knee-buster. Daniels made a comeback and hit a clothesline off the top for a one-count. Crowd reaction was super disappointing. Daniels went for a suplex but Joe was too heavy, so Joe cut him off and killed him with a half-Nelson German. It was actually totally safe but looked good. Daniels hit the STO and went for the moonsault but Joe moved. Daniels sold his knee, then Joe hit the kick into the corner and went for the muscle buster. Daniels snuck out. Several reversals, then Joe put him in the rear-naked choke for the submission. Cool finish, but way below the level of their previous matches. (***1/4)
  93.  
  94. Foley was all pissed off backstage. Someone, he said, destroyed the picture of himself and Jeremy Borash. He said this was his prized possession. Foley rarely gets this upset for people kicking his ass with a barbed-wire bat. He said he was going to find the perpetrator and lay down the law.
  95.  
  96. Lauren said there was an OUTCRY amongst fans to see D'Angelo vs. Suicide again. An OUTCRY. Pope cut his usual awesome evangelical promo. This guy is the best promo in wrestling this decade. He was ranting and raving and then said he was all exerted and needed to recharge. He had a Six-Hour Power drink. Even the Pope needs to pay the bills, he said. As he was sipping it, SUICIDE SNUCK IN behind him. He did his little hand signal, then leaped high in the air with an axe handle and it was ON~!
  97.  
  98. 4. Suicidee vs. THE POPE in a falls count anywhere match. Pope put him on a bunch of heavy boxes and then did a flying elbow off this high thingy. That was stupid and looked like it hurt like hell. Suicide got a nearfall in the back with a small package. Would have been a great finish. Suicide backdropped him into a dumpster and made a cover in there. The Pope tried to run him down with a golf cart but couldn't get it going. Tazz was trying to give him directions. Suicide pantsed him and they zoomed in on his bare ass. Suicide put his head on the ring bell and rang it. THAT had to suck. They fought their way back to the ring. Pope set up a table below the ramp and they teased going through it. Suicide gave him Finlay's rolling SOS on the ramp. That also had to suck. This match, by the way, was going on FOREVER. And keep in mind, it was added today. Did they time this show and realize they were short like 45 minutes? Suicide put him on a table and tried a legdrop off a high place. He missed, went ass-first through the table, and Pope rolled on top of him for the pin. I credit the Six-Hour Power. (***1/4)
  99.  
  100. 5. Cody Deaner vs. ODB for the vacant Knockout's Title. They've changed the name to the WOMEN'S Knockout Title. This was designed to be a Jerry Spring Redneck Marital Spat come to life, and both of them played their roles to perfection. ODB ran wild early and hit a huge high cross off the post to the floor. That terrified me. He cut her off as she was driving his head repeatedly into her vagina but couldn't bring himself to punch her. So he slapped her around and choked her and demanded she pronounce him KING OF THE KNOCKOUTS. Deaner drank from her flask and went for a double sledge but she caught him in the crotch claw. "The Yam Bag Clutch," Taz called it. She hit a flying Thesz press but Deaner kicked out. He went for a pin using the ropes but the ref caught him. They did the old ref-shoves-the-wrestler-into-a-schoolgirl spot but Deaner kicked out. She went for a sunset flip and Deaner sold it better than anyone in history. Then they did the ref-kicks-his-hands-off-the-ropes-into-a-cradle spot, but he kicked out of that. Deaner finally hit her with a knockout punch, the crowd booed loudly, but she kicked out. "ODB!" Deaner missed a big splash and she hit a TKO for the pin. BOO! GOD DAMN IT! This was so much fun and Deaner should have been champion for like a month setting up ODB winning it at the next PPV. What the fuck can you do? I loved this. As a match, the star rating was in the ** range, but in terms of entertainment it was an easy *****. ODB did cut a great promo afterwards putting over the women and the title.
  101.  
  102. Angle did a promo burying Matt Morgan. He said Morgan was tall and strong, but he (Angle) had more brains and more heart. He said tonight would be real, it would be DAMN REAL.
  103.  
  104. 6. Kevin Nash vs. Abyss for the Legend's Title and the $50,000 bounty. Foley did commentary. There was a bag that supposedly had $50,000 in it. Nash opened it up, glanced at it, and then deemed it acceptable. I was sitting there thinking how stupid it was that Kevin Nash could verify $50,000 on sight, but then I realized if anyone in the world could, it would be Kevin Nash. Abyss' new gear is that of a homeless man. They teased the epic double chokeslam spot, but it failed. Match was exactly what you'd expect. Stevie came out to watch. Abyss sold for a while, then made a comeback. Stevie started making his way to ringside. This allowed Daffney to sneak in with a taser. Abyss gave her the black hole slam. People went nuts. Abyss got the taser but Stevie ran in and confiscated it. The referee was busy sending him to the back as opposed to, you know, calling for a DQ. Nash waffled Abyss with a chair but Abyss kicked out. Nash went for the powerbomb but Abyss chokeslammed him. Nash took an awful bump, but what do you expect? Abyss demanded the bat from Foley. Mick went to give it to him. The ref said no. So Foley gave it to Abyss, and rather than calling for the DQ or confiscating the bat or something like that, instead the ref allowed the handoff and then went to chastise Foley. This is so fucking horrible. Before Abyss could use it, Nash tasered him in the cock and pinned him. He tried to take the bag, but Stevie said no. So Nash powerbombed, then took the bag and left. So did he cash in or did I just witness theft? Anyway, this fucking sucked and got worse the longer it went. (DUD)
  105.  
  106. Borash interviewed Scott Steiner and Booker T. They don't care AT ALL. Booker was standing there doing the fakest fake lats ever, and Steiner was putt-putt golfing. They buried everyone in as goofy a manner as possible. Steiner did have a hilarious line where he said he hated British Invasion because they were foreigners and if there was one thing he couldn't stand it was foreigners come to our country who couldn't speak English. Inmates running the asylum here. I don't care, as long as I laugh.
  107.  
  108. 7. Inexplicable Lethal Lockdown. James Storm and Doug Williams started. The cage stip made no sense, and then the match started on the ramp. They finally got in and did moves, then went for covers and couldn't seem to figure out why the ref wasn't counting. I love both these guys but this was the longest five minutes in history. Brutus Magnus was the next guy in. They beat up on Storm. Robert Roode was in next to make the comeback. Got a moderate pop. They did their stuff. Scott Steiner was in next. Yes, before Booker T. He ran wild and did a HORRIBLE top rope frankensteiner on Roode off the top. Luckily he lived. At least they were doing the psychology right here. D-Von was in next. He looked a lot fatter than usual. This match was dragging bad. Booker was in next. Storm was busted open. Yes, for this. Next thing you know, Scott Steiner was outside. Why? I don't know. He was just walking around, then went back inside. Even Penzer sounded bored. Bubba Ray was in next. He came down the ramp looking around in a confusing manner. Suddenly, Rob Terry ran out and beat him up. Talk about telegraphing. He laid out Bubba with a chair, then forced the guy with the controls to lower the cage. So the babyfaces were at the four-on-three disadvantage. Nobody gave a shit about any of this. Bubba wrapped a chair around Terry's head, then went and got in the cage. Yes, he just opened the door. The fuck was the point of the cage and the top then? He waffled everyone with the chair, event though the cage was filled with weapons. Babyfaces ran wild. Brutus Magnus and Beer Money went up top. They did the Beer Money suplex on the cage. Crowd was chanting "THIS WAS AWESOME!" It SO was not. Storm then pinned Doug with a powerbomb. Place was going nuts chanting "TNA!" I guess they were watching a different match. (*3/4)
  109.  
  110. Lauren interviewed Rhino about facing "possibly the greatest MMA fighter in the world." She really said this. Rhino said real men put on wrestling boots and fought. He said he didn't care what Lashley had done in MMA, tonight he was facing a WAR MACHINE who was going to eat him alive. "YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE, MY RULES~!" He said there would be no MMA gloves and kickpads, just bare fists and pain. This was actually a really good promo.
  111.  
  112. 8. Lashley vs. Rhino. They did, in fact, have something resembling a real match. Lashley ran wild on him early, then Rhino cut him off and threw him hard into the guardrail. They were noting that there was no cement or guardrails in MMA. Rhino put on various chinlocks and such. So then Lashley made a comeback and we had a ref bump. Could they possibly have designed a shittier debut for Lashley? Rhino hit the gore and a second ref ran in but Lashley kicked out. Rhino went for a second gore but Lashley gave him a KO punch for the pin. So what was the point of the ref bump? Worse, as he was going for the pin he tripped on the ref and nearly blew out his knee. (*1/2)
  113.  
  114. JB interviewed Sting and AJ. AJ said his only focus tonight was WINNING. Sting said let tonight be, for one of us, the first day of the rest of our lives. Isn't that every day, regardless, except for the day you die?
  115.  
  116. 9. Angle vs. Sting vs. AJ vs. Morgan vs. Hernandez in a five-way for the title. They introduced all four guys, then Hernandez's music hit. He said he didn't come to the PPV to just wrestle for five minutes and was officially cashing in his briefcase. Why would you do that in a four-way? Angle and Hernandez brawled on the map and the other three brawled in the ring. Eric Young ran out and gave Hernandez a piledriver on the ramp. No one cared. Tenay kept talking about the unwritten locker room code not to do piledrivers. You know, unless you're Petey Williams. Sting and AJ cleared the ring and then did wrestling moves. AJ did a dive onto Morgan and Angle outside and missed both. AJ and Angle did spots but were off on a lot. Amazingly clunky given who was involved. So anyway, Hernandez was gone and it was back to the four-way. They did a bunch of moves. Sting did a dropkick off the top and sold his shoulder. "YOU STILL GOT IT!" Everyone hit a finisher on everyone else. Morgan got sent out side and grabbed his knee, then said "OH FUCK!" Angle was laid out in the ring and Sting and AJ had to decide what to do. Sting chose to jump on Morgan outside, basically handing the win and the title to AJ. Place went nuts. The finish was great, but it took WAY too long to get there. They did the big confetti ceremony and the babyfaces came out to celebrate with him. Not only that, they brought fans into the ring as well. Cool final moment. (**1/4)
  117.  
  118. And by the way, in hindsight, exactly as I'd figured when it started, what a fucking complete moron Hernandez turned out to be.
  119.  
  120. ~~~~~
  121.  
  122. Impact
  123. Foley arrived. He dragged his kids to work. Poor buggers. Nash then arrived in these wacky plaid shorts. Absurd.
  124.  
  125. Sabin and Shelley were there for the second week in a row doing commentary. Tenay had no idea this was going to happen. Taz said they were just having fun. So they bought all this audio equipment, hooked it up through the truck, and did this with nobody's permission. How wacky.
  126.  
  127. Angelina Love & Velvet Sky vs. Christy & Tara. So here you go, the final ever entrance with the original Beautiful People. The tarantula was there in the corner in a glass box. They plugged Traci in Playboy. Heat on Christy and it wasn't much, including the worst snapmare in wrestling history. Well, better her selling than making a comeback. Tara made a comeback on Velvet. Whose idea was that? Her bumps are still pretty awful. Christy hit her legdrop off the middle rope but Angelina broke it up. Madison Rayne then ran out with hairspray. They teased she was going to spray it into Velvet's eyes but it was a SWERVE and she sprayed Christy. Ref Slick Johnson was looking right at it but didn't do anything. At least that made sense because the storyline is he's fucking Madison. So anyway, Madison had a paper bag and she opened it up and it said "I'M SORRY" with a frowny face on it. OK, that was great. So they're back together again.
  128.  
  129. Lauren interviewed D'Angelo Dinero. I guess the Pope was channeling an old-school televangelist, but he may as well have been trying to channel Dusty Rhodes. He buried "Suicidee," then said later tonight he was going to do a laying of hands on Lauren. This was great. This man should be champion.
  130.  
  131. Dinero vs. Suicide. Lots of boos for the superhero and the Pope had a noticeable following. We got a lot of commentary from the Guns during this one. Suicide made a comeback and went for a splash off the top, but Pope got his knees up and then hit his double knees to the back for the pin. They are doing an awesome job getting him over and this match was fun.
  132.  
  133. Kiyoshi interviewed Eric Young. Kiyoshi can't speak English. So yes, they did this just to be funny. Eric did a promo for Homicide about why he turned heel on Hernandez. Homicide then grabbed the mic and said Hernandez had changed. It's like they're getting a divorce. He said he made Hernandez, and Hernandez had left the gang and that meant he had to be destroyed. "To live and die in WORLD ELITE!" he announced.
  134.  
  135. Rhino, who looks like he's dropped a lot of weight, did a promo about how mad he was at Bobby Lashley. Actually, that's what I thought he was going to do. Instead, he talked about how TNA tried to give him a "push" by exploiting his love for a drink or two, and putting him with that geek Jesse Neal. He said Jesse embarrassed him so he had to kick his ass. He said he nearly vomited when he saw Dixie putting Lashley over and on TV. He wanted to know when was the last time you called me? He was upset that she announced Lashley vs. Rhino and not Lashley vs. THE WAR MACHINE. "GET THAT RIGHT, TOOTS!" This was actually a hilarious promo. Out came D-Von. He said Bubba was going to come out and kill Rhino, instead he was there to talk some sense into him. He said back in the day in ECW he and Bubba took Rhino under their wing and did all they could to mentor him, and Rhino had taken advantage of Jesse like an asshole. He said they should go backstage right now, talk this over, and have a good time. This was a great promo. He offered a handshake. Rhino shook, but then turned and stomped a mudhole in him. Bubba Ray made the save. Hell of a way to build up Rhino vs. LASHLEY.
  136.  
  137. Kiyoshi & Mad Sheik vs. Hernandez in a handicap match. They got heat on him briefly, then he made a brief comeback and pinned Kiyoshi with a border toss that looked like it sucked. Effective match. Homicide came out afterwards and distracted Hernandez, allowing Eric to hit him with a chair. They put the briefcase on his neck and then smashed it with a chair. They played up the fact that he'd just come back from neck surgery and this could be a career-ender.
  138.  
  139. ODB did a promo about how no man was going to win the TNA "Knocked Up Title," talking about how TNA had "the best broads" in the business and they'd worked their asses off to make something of themselves and Cody Deaner wasn't going to make a mockery of that. Apparently they've broke up. How sad.
  140.  
  141. Cody vs. Alyssa Flash in a lumberjill match. I have no idea why this match is taking place, why it's a lumberjill match, or anything. He got thrown outside so all the girls beat him up and stomped a mudhole in him. Why are they doing this before the PPV? They beat him half to hell, then threw him into the ring and Alyssa pinned him. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS? Shouldn't all the girls getting their revenge on him be something we're supposed to pay for? So then Kong attacked Tara, Madison attacked Christy, and ODB hit Cody with her flask on the ramp, laying him out. This was completely, totally mind-boggling.
  142.  
  143. Lauren interviewed Nash. He was lounging on a couch drinking a glass of wine. In walked a blonde who was better-looking than anyone in the entire company. Then another girl. You see, Nash is doing a contest looking for a new valet, so he was busy doing a casting call. Lauren was like, shouldn't you be worried about your match with Foley, or the match with Abyss at the PPV? "I don't think he's listening to me," Lauren said, but then looked at the pictures and said, "Those are really nice pictures, though." Nash told her she needed to relax and gave her a glass of wine. "That's good wine," she said. "I make a lot of money," he said. He said he was looking for Cinderella and she could jump to the front of the line if she wanted. But then a huge fat woman walked in and Nash told her to sit on his lap. He said any man could be with a ten but the mark of a real swordsman was to duel with a woman like this. "Stay wet," he said. This was perversely hilarious.
  144.  
  145. Foley then cut a promo saying tonight he was going to start taking back TNA one step at a time.
  146.  
  147. Nash vs. Foley for the Legend's Title. Nash is the champion. I think. Was busy getting ice cream. Foley hit the running knee in the corner about two minutes in and put on the socko claw. Nash tossed him outside, then kicked him into the guardrail and got the heat. So they were in the middle of the heat when Abyss' music hit and he ran out with a barbed wire bat. Nash ran off and that was the end of the match. People were booing. Nash and Foley were both baffled. Abyss was trying to hug Foley afterwards but Foley turned his back on him. This was weird, and lame.
  148.  
  149. Lauren interviewed Robert Roode and Bubba Ray. They're having a match tonight and the winner gets the man advantage in Lethal Lockdown Sunday. Yes, there is a Lethal Lockdown Sunday for literally no good reason. It was a good promo to hype up a pointless match.
  150.  
  151. Lauren interviewed Abyss, who was crying backstage about what Foley had said to him. "Who knows what Kevin would have done to him if I wasn't there?" He was freaking out that Foley might be mad at him, then ran off. What shit.
  152.  
  153. Roode & Bubba vs. Steiner & Brutus Magnus. Heat on Bubba. Steiner gave him a great exploder, then Bubba hit his full Nelson ass-buster and tagged in Roode. He had the pin on Magnus with the perfectplex but Doug Williams snuck in and hit Roode with the belt, allowing Magnus to get the pin. Magnus not only got the pin, but Earl Hebner for some odd reason counted four. Either that or Roode thought he counted three when it was only a two and they rang the bell and played the music anyway. There was a spot identical to that at WrestleMania III during the Savage vs. Steamboat match where the ref dropped to count and everyone thought when he dropped down that was the one-count and couldn't figure out what happened when the match continued after the "pin".
  154.  
  155. They did a video package and I couldn't pay any attention to it because all I could focus on was Dixie Carter standing in front of a sign that said something, but the way she was standing the only letters you could see were "ASS." Only in TNA.
  156.  
  157. Kong & Raeesha vs. Sarita & Taylor Wilde. The best part of this, just like last week, was the celebration Taylor and Sarita did before the match, where they did a high five, then bumped asses and did a jumping full turn. So awesome. They killed Sarita early, then she did a bunch of rolls and made the hot tag. Some clunkiness here but it was fine and the people loved it. Taylor ended up pinning Raeesha with a great German. Kong went nuts. They sent Lauren out to interview the winners. They said they were going to win the titles Sunday and be the CAMPEONES~!.
  158.  
  159. Borash interviewed Kurt about the four-way at the PPV with Angle, Sting, Morgan and AJ. He said being champion of TNA was one thing, but being the best at his craft was the most important thing. The way he was cutting his promo made me think for sure he's losing. He concluded saying he would not and could not be defeated at the PPV.
  160.  
  161. Lauren interviewed AJ and Sting. They were wearing TNA T-shirts and jeans. They said they were both competitors, and if push came to shove they were going to have to compete against each other to see who was the best.
  162.  
  163. Angle came out to do commentary for the main event. Matt Morgan vs. Samoa Joe. Morgan ran wild early. "This is making me nauseous," Angle said. Morgan set up for the hellevator but Joe cut him off and gave him a back suplex. Morgan just stood right up, hit a chokeslam and then went for the big boot. Joe slid outside, then tripped him up and beat him around ringside. Morgan ended up by the announcer's table and somehow a huge thing of water ended up all over Angle. Angle flipped his lid, I mean he went totally apeshit and was all over Morgan like a monkey on a cupcake. Say what you will about Kurt but I would NOT want to get on that guy's bad side in a physical confrontation. They had Chris Daniels come out for approximately 5 seconds to chase Joe backstage. The brawl continued through the break, then Angle gave Morgan an Angle slam through a table to end the show. Pretty good episode. It did, however, spell the end of Angelina Love and Jim Cornette, so that's not a good thing.
  164.  
  165.  
  166. Smackdown
  167. Teddy Long showed up surrounded by security. "You guys, please, stay close to me," he noted. He made sure to stop every now and then and peer dramatically around corners to make sure the Dead Man wasn't there stalking him.
  168.  
  169. ~~
  170.  
  171. Sept 8, 2009
  172.  
  173. So then in 1998 the WCW Title changed six times. In 1999 after Russo had come on board the title changed hands 13 times. And in 2000 with Russo and Nash largely at the helm the title changed hands TWENTY-FIVE TIMES. It took 33 years to change the NWA Title 25 times and it took the WWF Title 30 years. WCW changed it 25 times in one year.
  174.  
  175. So in the end, nobody gave a fuck about titles and their days of drawing were over. Arguably, the last three people where it's been a really big deal that they won the WWE/World Title were Eddy Guerrero, Chris Benoit and Rey Misterio in 2004 and 2006, largely because they broke through the size barrier, and probably CM Punk last year. But really, titles being something to be protected at all costs was largely singlehandedly killed by the WCW bookers a decade ago. And when you think back to the history of "World's Titles" in pro-wrestling dating back to the turn of the 20th century, and how as late as the 1950s they wanted to keep the title on shooters or hookers in case someone tried to steal the belt in a double-cross, and how into the mid-90s the championship was the treasure entire companies were built around, to see that all killed in a two-year period is pretty amazing.
  176.  
  177. The DVD also failed to mention at all the handling of the company after WWE bought it in a fire sale for $2.5 million and a promise of $2 million in advertising on TNT and TBS. Of course, you can't tell that story without making WWE come off as the biggest collection of booking morons since, well, WCW itself. Most of you lived through it, and those who did not can read Death of WCW. But a few stats to illustrate it for you:
  178.  
  179. ~~~
  180.  
  181. Smackdown
  182. Show opened with a recap of the Jeff Hardy/CM Punk last match week. It was really good.
  183.  
  184. Then we got a tremendous show open with Jeff Hardy's music hitting, the place going nuts, kids jumping up and down and clapping and high-fiving their friends, and then slowly, ever so slowly, they realized, "Holy shit, that's not Jeff Hardy, that's CM Punk." They managed to find some fans who were PISSED, and it was awesome. Punk did a promo about how the "Charismatic Enabler" was gone and this was the last time you'd ever hear that stupid music, see the stupid face paint and the stupid armbands. Now, he said, they had a champion they could all be proud of, a straight-edge World Champion. He said he would never miss a show due to an incident at an airport, or miss WrestleMania because he failed a test. He said if you were going to get behind a superstar, the choice was clear, the choice of a new generation, CM Punk. Then he got to burying Undertaker. He said any time Undertaker wanted to come out and test his breaking point, he was ready. No Undertaker. Punk continued to bury him as the people chanted "WE WANT HARDY!" He plugged the PPV match, saying he'd never tapped out to peer pressure or anything like that, so he sure as fuck wasn't going to tap out for a wacky hold. He talked for literally 12 minutes, then Matt Hardy finally ran down and attacked him. A bunch of geeks ran down and broke it up. Good segment.
  185.  
  186. Punk went nuts backstage, screaming at Teddy Long to do something about this bullshit. "There's no telling what he's on, he's hopped up on something!" Teddy said if he had a problem they could settle it in the ring tonight in a non-title match. Punk was fine with this as long as the title wasn't on the line.
  187.  
  188. Knox & Kane vs. Finlay & Great Khali. Knox cut one of his wacky 80s inset promos beforehand. His beard was awesome. A slobberknocker of a match this was. They talked about Kane and Khali facing off in a Singapore cane match at the PPV. That should be awful, and that's not even a baseless prediction now since we saw it at the last PPV and it did, in fact, suck monumentally. Heat on Finlay after they bumped him off the top and he bonked into the apron and fell to the floor. It really looked like it sucked. He sold the arm and the heels worked it over. I'm spending too much time recapping this match. Finlay went to get the hot tag but Khali was distracted by Kane going after Ranjin Singh. Khali went over and gave Kane a clubbering -- you should have SEEN this clubbering -- and as the ref was distracted, Finlay walloped Knox with the shillelagh for the pin. I've seen worse. Finlay was very good holding this thing together and Knox looked good as well.
  189.  
  190. Vince in a PINK SUIT met with Teddy Long, who was watching the Rise and Fall of WCW DVD. Vince pretty much buried the DVD, saying Teddy should put it where it belonged. The trash? He then congratulated Teddy for booking the Punk vs. Hardy loser leaves town match last week. What is wrong with these authority figures? How could anyone consider a match like that good for business? Vince was impressed because Teddy was thinking outside the box. Vince concluded by telling him that if he was lucky, perhaps someday he'd let Teddy where his pink jacket. He asked if Teddy had ever gotten lucky and Teddy said of course, I got to work for you. This placated Vince. What a vomit-inducing segment.
  191.  
  192. Maria was doing her make-up. Eve was telling her that she couldn't wait to face Natalya again. Michelle walked up and said they'd still be losers. She buried her make-up and her outfit and said her boyfriend Dolph couldn't keep his eyes off women like herself. They got into the usual catty argument. Then Melina showed up. I cannot for the life of me understand what WWE is doing here. First, she got in Michelle's face and Michelle swore to God that if Melina attacked her again she'd call the cops. Melina said, and I quote, "incredible." Yes, she found it unbelievable that if she attacked a handicapped person without provocation again, like she did last week, that person might call the authorities. And she's a babyface. She then had to talk to Maria again about Dolph for the third or fourth week in a row. If Maria turns on Melina and everyone cheers Maria, don't tell me I didn't warn you in advance. "Stay out of my business," Maria told her and Melina was so sad.
  193.  
  194. Rey Mysterio vs. John Morrison. There were chants early of "LET'S GO MORRISON!" Ross claimed Rey was 5-6. That was a good one. Some cool high-flying highspots early. Rey gave him a huracanrana over the top to the floor and WACKED his back on the apron. Looked like the kind of move where he'd either break a rib or be pissing blood for days. This was a babyface match so both guys took turns getting heat. Rey sold for a while and then made a comeback, then Morrison sold for a while and then made a comeback. Morrison did a flipping kick and booted Rey RIGHT in the chops. They showed three replays of that one. "LET'S GO REY!" They went through two commercial breaks. They were working a ridiculous pace as the match wore on. Rey finally hit a tilt-a-whirl, sending Morrison into the ropes, and the 619. He missed the springboard and Morrison hit his springboard kick, but Rey kicked out. Fans were going nuts. There were people in the first few rows chanting "THIS IS AWESOME!" and they zoomed in on them. Morrison went for starship pain but Rey jumped up and cut him off. Rey tried a reverse huracanrana but Morrison held on and then hit starship pain for the pin. Awesome match. I'd say ****1/4. Morrison was so happy to have had the best match of his life and so sad for poor Rey that he was weeping afterwards.
  195.  
  196. R-Truth came out and was doing his rap when Drew McIntyre jumped him from behind and stomped a mudhole in him. People were PISSED. He cut a promo saying last year he was overlooked and so he felt he needed to make a statement on this dancing fool. He couldn't believe Truth had a match and he wasn't even on the show. He said he was going to go out every week and ruin all of their little parties until the people recognized him as the superstar he was. I am stunned WWE didn't make him cut his hair off.
  197.  
  198. Maria & Eve vs. Layla & Natalya. They showed clips from Superstars which included Eve doing a really good dropkick and some other highspots. Looked like she was also trying way too many highspots, though. Some of these girls must love working with Natalya. Maria went after Layla outside and as she was running around the corner Natalya KILLED her with a lariat. That girl doesn't mess around. They gave this match a surprising amount of time. Eve made a comeback on Layla. She is definitely improving. With that said, the finish was a gymnastics round-off into a moonsault and she came up short, landing with both knees right on Layla's chest and stomach.
  199.  
  200. Matt did a promo about his match with Punk later. This was weird. He was being interviewed by Josh, but he started looking off a different direction as he spoke. I don't think he was reading off a teleprompter, but the point is that whether he was or not it looked like he was. He vowed to take Punk's health and career.
  201.  
  202. They said the Undertaker returned to Smackdown tonight. Then Punk and Hardy came out for the main event. What an angle alert that was. They once again noted that Punk called himself the choice of a new generation. Wasn't that the old Pepsi tagline? I presume they can get away with that. By the way, it must suck to get a Pepsi logo tattooed on your arm, and then discover that Pepsi changed it's logo after all these years. Very basic match early. Not much heat. Probably a combination of having to follow Rey vs. Morrison, the fact that nobody gave Matt much of a chance, and the fact that they were all waiting for Undertaker. Punk worked over his abdomen. Matt finally made his comeback although it was pretty half-hearted. Grisham flat-out said he was fatigued. Ross said all the work on his stomach had sapped his strength. He's still heavier than he should be and isn't moving all that well. Punk cut him off with a Kawada kick to the face. Punk went for a springboard clothesline but ate a side effect. They ended up outside and Punk clobbered him with a chair. He wrapped the chair around his head and was about to send him into the post like he'd done to Jeff when the lights went out and Taker appeared at ringside. He immediately goozled Punk and chokeslammed him through the announcer's table. What a big meanie. Matt had to go online the next day and alert the world that he had won the match via disqualification. Really, he did this. Fans went nuts for Taker, so that was good. And the show ended with Punk lying there in a heap.
  203.  
  204. ~~~
  205.  
  206. Flair signs to return to ring versus Hogan
  207. Ric Flair signed a three-year deal with the new Hulkamania promotion last week, making it official that he has every intention of returning to the ring starting this November.
  208.  
  209. Flair, 60, had his supposed retirement match on March 30, 2008, at WrestleMania 24 in Orlando against Shawn Michaels. Of course, nobody ever really retires in wrestling, but at the time Flair told everyone both publicly and privately that he was never wrestling again because he knew that to do so would bastardize everything that went into the match and what was, the following night, the greatest send-off for a wrestler in WWE history. Flair's vice, however, is that he is Ric Flair and he has lived that lifestyle for the past 30 years. And when you do that, you don't end up with a lot of money, particularly when you've had several divorces and owe tons of money every month in alimony.
  210.  
  211. ~~~
  212.  
  213. EP. 22 2009 FIGURE FOUR WEEKLY: MMA BACK ON CBS, UFC HUGE WEEK, TNA PPV, CMLL 76TH, KIMBO ON TUF
  214. BY OBSERVER STAFF | STAFF@WRESTLINGOBSERVER.COM | @WONF4W
  215. TWITTERFACEBOOKGOOGLE+
  216.  
  217. To order a PDF version of this issue or a print subscription to Figure Four Weekly, please click here
  218.  
  219. Strikeforce announced this week their debut on CBS on Saturday, November 7th, most likely from the Sears Center in Chicago.
  220.  
  221. The four-fight show -- the first on CBS since the Kimbo Slice vs. Seth Petruzelli show that resulted in the death of Elite XC on October 4th, 2008 -- will be headlined by Fedor Emelianenko vs. Brett Rogers. Rogers is 10-0, but his only major win has been over Andre Arlovski, which when you consider Arlovski's run of late, isn't quite as impressive as it probably sounded at the time. Emelianenko has not lost since December 22, 2000, when Tsuyoshi Kohsaka beat him on a blood stoppage from an illegal elbow in a fight that Fedor was winning. Ranked by many as the number one pound-for-pound fighter in the world, the former PRIDE World Heavyweight Champion has faced criticism of late for not fighting a world class opponent since August of 2005.
  222.  
  223. The last EliteXC event was the highest-rated program on both broadcast and cable in adults 18-34 and males 18-34 that night, beating out the Major League Baseball Playoffs and college football. However, that was the show where everything fell apart for the beleaguered company. Millions of dollars in debt, they were waiting to be purchased by CBS, a move that was felt to be a certainty regardless of what the rating for the show came in at. But that afternoon, Kimbo's scheduled opponent, Ken Shamrock, not only tried to hold up the promotion for more money, but also cut himself open rolling and was deemed unable to compete. After scrambling for a replacement with many names (including announcer Frank Shamrock) bandied about, they chose Seth Petruzelli, a 205-pound fighter, to step up. Seth went on to expose Kimbo, knocking him out in 14 seconds. Worse, Seth went on a local radio show the following Monday and said: "The promoters kind of hinted to me and they gave me the money to stand and trade with him. They didn’t want me to take him down. Let’s just put it that way. It was worth my while to try and stand up and punch with him." Believing the fix was in and wanting nothing to do with a scandal, not to mention the economy had just collapsed, within three days Showtime had pulled out, sent a letter of default to EliteXC, Ken Herschman resigned, and the company declared bankruptcy. Despite the ratings, it took a year and an entirely new company with new management before CBS would even consider jumping in bed with MMA again.
  224.  
  225. Gus Johnson, Frank Shamrock and Mauro Ranallo will call the action.
  226.  
  227. The date is perfect in that UFC has a live Spike show from Manchester (UFC 104) on November 14th and also UFC 106 from Las Vegas with Brock Lesnar vs. Shane Carwin on November 21st. They could counter-program by putting, say, a replay of UFC 102 on Spike TV head-to-head, but there's no way they'll be able to put together a live card to oppose it.
  228.  
  229. For those keeping tracks, odds at press time for the main event were Fedor at -600 and Rogers at +400. The fight will likely end quickly one way or another, and Rogers winning would be among the biggest upsets in MMA history.
  230.  
  231. It will be interesting to see the ratings for the show without Gina Carano or Kimbo, by far the two biggest non-UFC drawing cards. Emelianenko has been pushed hard on Showtime as the toughest fighter in the world, but will that translate into casual viewers? Most likely not close to the numbers that viewed the CBS shows in the past. It's also important that they try to put marketable fighters on the undercard so they can attempt to create some stars off the exposure to headline future events.
  232.  
  233. Jake Shields vs. Jason Mayhem Miller for the vacant Strikeforce middleweight title is the only other fight that has been announced for the undercard. The former champion, Cung Le, has not defended the title since March of 2008 and has been doing acting almost full-time since. He noted that he wasn't in shape to do five-rounders, had other potential projects on the table, and that this was the right thing to do. Strikeforce believes he'll fight for them again, but with all of the acting gigs he has lined up and the fact that he's no longer under contract, anything can happen. Dana White has talked in the past about wanting to bring him in, so that possibility exists as well.
  234.  
  235.  
  236. Flair signs to return to ring versus Hogan
  237. Ric Flair signed a three-year deal with the new Hulkamania promotion last week, making it official that he has every intention of returning to the ring starting this November.
  238.  
  239. Flair, 60, had his supposed retirement match on March 30, 2008, at WrestleMania 24 in Orlando against Shawn Michaels. Of course, nobody ever really retires in wrestling, but at the time Flair told everyone both publicly and privately that he was never wrestling again because he knew that to do so would bastardize everything that went into the match and what was, the following night, the greatest send-off for a wrestler in WWE history. Flair's vice, however, is that he is Ric Flair and he has lived that lifestyle for the past 30 years. And when you do that, you don't end up with a lot of money, particularly when you've had several divorces and owe tons of money every month in alimony.
  240.  
  241. He left WWE to take autograph dates, raking in as much as $15,000 per appearance. He told people he was making ridiculous money, but he still somehow spent it to the point where he went into debt to both ROH and Highspots. He still owes both money, and in fact he allegedly put up one of his classic NWA Title belts as collateral to Highspots, and they have since sold it off.
  242.  
  243. Flair will be Hogan's main opponent, either in singles matches or tags, on November 21st in Melbourne; November 24th in Perth; November 26th in Brisbane; and November 28th in Sydney. Hogan, 56, has bad knees, a bad back and bad hips and needed an opponent that he could have the best match possible with without exerting himself too much or getting hurt. Obviously Flair was that man.
  244.  
  245. The idea is to headline with Hogan and Flair on top, and then fill up the undercard with ex-WWE and TNA guys (including, apparently, Mr. Anderson, Godfather, Umaga, Val Venis and Hogan's usual cronies). They'd love to have RVD vs. Jeff Hardy semi-main event matches, but we're told there isn't a great chance of RVD doing it and Hardy can make far more money in WWE, and has told people that if he's going to wrestle he'll just go back there and do that. Of course, with Linda McMahon running for Senate and him having a very public arrest and felony charges currently on his record, WWE may be out of the question in at least the near-term.
  246.  
  247. Flair and Hogan will also be shooting a reality show during the tour, likely to be aired through the same channels that put together Hogan Knows Best and Brooke Knows Best, concentrating on the trials and tribulations of two old guys who need money bad killing themselves to get it. Flair was in negotiations for another reality show, but the plug got pulled on that one fast after his son Reid, who was going to co-star with him, was arrested in April and now faces charges of driving while impaired, driving with a revoked license, felony black tar heroin possession and possession of drug paraphernalia. This effectively also put the breaks on Flair's attempts to mold his son into the next Nature Boy on the indy scene and ultimately in WWE.
  248.  
  249. The three-year deal confirms that this is a full-fledged venture that plans to tour around the world, both in wrestling hotbeds and in places that haven't seen wrestling in a long time, if ever. Most people expect that the first venture into Australia should draw in the 10,000 range for shows since Hogan has never been there before, but they also don't think it's going to draw nearly that good if they try to come back a year or so later. Luckily, there are a lot of countries in this world.
  250.  
  251.  
  252. Huge week for UFC
  253. UFC had a great week starting with UFC Fight Night on Wednesday, followed by the season premiere of TUF 10 with Kimbo Slice, Rashad Evans and Quinton Jackson, and wrapping up Saturday night with UFC 103.
  254.  
  255. Fight Night was interesting in that it didn't have much of a line-up, was one of about 10,000 shows in the last six months, yet it managed to do a 1.9 rating and 2.5 million viewers, the second-largest audience to ever tune in to a Fight Night. It peaked at 2.9 million viewers for the Melvin vs. Diaz main event. It was also the most-watched show among males 18 to 49 and males 18 to 34.
  256.  
  257. There has been in general an upswing in viewership and PPV numbers since UFC 100 did 1.7 million buys, and the timing also correlates with the release of the UFC video game which is doing fantastic numbers. The two-punch combo seems to have sparked a renewed interest in the product and also a brand new generation of fans. It'll be interesting to see if numbers remain high throughout this year and next, meaning a new base has been achieved, or if for those fans it's a fad that they'll eventually burn out on with the sheer number of events available. It will also be interesting to see if the spike in interest is just for UFC, or if it's for MMA in general and Strikeforce will also benefit.
  258.  
  259. The Fight Night record is held by the July 2008 show that ran head-to-head with Affliction and did 3.1 million viewers.
  260.  
  261. The season premiere of TUF 10 shattered all Ultimate Fighter records, doing a 2.9 rating, 4.1 million viewers, a 5.1 (1.5 million) in males 18 to 34, a 4.3 (2.4 million) in males 18 to 49, and beating everything on television that entire day in young male demos including the Jay Leno Show and the America's Got Talent season finale. It was not only the most watched episode in series history, but also the most-watched original show in network history (the old record was a season finale of the Joe Schmo show at 3.4 million viewers). In fact, it almost DOUBLED the old TUF high, which was 2.8 million viewers for the finale of season three in 2006, the year MMA exploded in America.
  262.  
  263. Of course, the disaster of the season is that the first episode was awesome, every episode afterwards is supposed to be even better, and then when the season ends -- nothing. The planned Rashad vs. Quinton fight is off the table with Quinton filming the role of BA Baracus in the new A-Team movie. The movie was supposed to wrap in December, leaving Quinton time to train for the Super Bowl weekend show, but now Quinton has told them that with re-takes and such he probably won't be ready until March or later.
  264.  
  265. On the bright side, the two sides are at least talking again. For a while, Dana was so upset at Quinton that Quinton had to basically talk to him through Lorenzo Fertitta, who plays good cop.
  266.  
  267. Dana still isn't happy with the decision. "'Rampage' is an active fighter that took that spot on 'The Ultimate Fighter,' and he can say he did it for me or whatever, but there was a commitment there to fight at the end of the show. He could have fought in that fight and went and did seven movies for all I care. He could have took four years off and did whatever he wanted to do. He was obligated to take that fight. We put him on the show. Rashad went on the show, and Rashad is sitting on the sidelines. It affected a lot of different things." He added: "They got him thinking that they're going to make this movie for nothing, and then the sequel he'll make $20 million." He suggested, "I'll pay him nothing to fight Rashad, and then give him $20 million for the rematch."
  268.  
  269. UFC 103 was cursed by the fact that they're running so many shows they're having trouble coming up with stacked line-ups and great main events. This show was supposed to be headlined by Rich Franklin vs. Dan Henderson, but Vitor Belfort became available and there was some outcry about people not wanting to see Franklin vs. Henderson, so Dana switched it to Franklin vs. Belfort with the idea that Henderson would face Anderson Silva in a few months. However, Silva already beat Henderson decisively and didn't want the fight, so he claimed an elbow injury. It was then reported that UFC was trying to put together Nate Marquardt vs. Henderson for UFC 105, at which point Silva's elbow healed and he said he was 200 percent and could fight anyone at any time, preferably Randy Couture. But then Henderson refused to re-sign a new deal because he didn't get the Silva fight and because he wanted a huge signing bonus, and at that point Dana White said contrary to whatever the hell it was that Silva was saying he was not 200 percent and was getting elbow surgery and would be out until 2010.
  270.  
  271. Welcome to UFC.
  272.  
  273. Franklin was cheered coming out, but his match with Belfort had the least heat of any main event match in a long, long time. Belfort won via knockout after both guys did hardly anything for the entire first round. Belfort has been taking karate and is reverting to a style similar to that of Lyoto Machida, but I'm one of the rare guys who never found Machida boring and I thought Belfort was boring as hell. They talked of him possibly being next in line to challenge Anderson Silva, which is hilarious since Marquardt and Henderson have already been deemed number-one contenders, plus it took him four tries to hit 196 for this 195-pound catch weight fight.
  274.  
  275. The show also featured what might have been the end of the career of one of the most storied heavyweights of all time. Mirko "Crocop" Filipovic, a former K-1 fighter who went into PRIDE in the early '00s as a ringer, hasn't been the same since he destroyed his ankle on the head of Wanderlei Silva on September 10, 2006, in the semi-finals of the PRIDE World Grand Prix tournament. That day, his 32nd birthday, also happened to be the highlight of his career. After beating Silva he went on to beat Josh Barnett in the finals to win the most stacked heavyweight tournament in MMA history. He won his first two matches over Ikuhisa Minowa and Hidehiko Yoshida in May and July of that year. He almost didn't do the tournament finale at all as he publicly pulled out a few weeks beforehand, saying his purse wasn't big enough for him to be fighting twice in one night. PRIDE agreed to give him a $150,000 win bonus if won the tournament, so he stepped back in. I know at least personally I gave him the least chance of anyone to win the entire thing, since the story of his career was never being able to win the big one in the clinch. But on this night he finally did it, knocking out Silva in 5:26 of the first round and beating Barnett via verbal submission in 5:32 of the first. Everyone knows how retirements are, but Crocop had said publicly that if he didn't win this tournament he was going to retire.
  276.  
  277. People make all sorts of comparisons between UFC and PRIDE, and like to talk about how certain people were never really all that good because they did great in one place and not in another, but the reality is that UFC and PRIDE almost did not promote the same sport. The differences between the ring and the cage, the rules in each, and the drug testing in each made for completely different matches. As a fighter in the PRIDE Fighting Championships, Crocop in his prime was an all-time great. As a fighter in UFC, Mirko Crocop was a huge disappointment. Dana White at the post-fight press conference said he didn't know what Mirko's future held, and he'd talk to him about it later, but it may very well be a return to Japan to face smaller guys on New Year's Eve shows. He said what happened to Mirko was the same thing that happened to everyone -- they just got old. It's kind of sad that history will remember that his reputation stuck with him; in his career he'd beaten some of the best fighters the world had ever seen, but in the end the K-1 Grand Prix Title, the PRIDE Heavyweight and the UFC Heavyweight belts forever eluded him.
  278.  
  279. Fight Night drew 7,500 fans to the Cox Convention Center for a $650,000 live gate. Bonuses of $30,000 went to Nate Diaz (Best Submission), Jeremy Stephens (Best Knockout) and Nate Quarry and Tim Credeur (Best Fight).
  280.  
  281. There was an incident backstage before the show where Phillipe Nover, who had fainted as a contestant on Ultimate Fighter, suffered a seizure and blacked out. He was said to be OK afterwards, but his fight with Sam Stout was canceled. He will be seeing a neurologist to try to pinpoint the source of the problem.
  282.  
  283. Mike Goldberg and Kenny Florian did commentary. Joe Rogan was off doing a movie with Kevin James.
  284.  
  285. 1. Tim Credeur vs. Nate Quarry. Herb Dean was the ref. They talked about what a great jiu-jitsu guy Credeur was, so of course they had a kickboxing match. This was one of those fights where boxing fans would watch it and it would reiterate that these ultimate fighter guys are completely untalented brawlers. I mean, this was embarrassing. Credeur finally got a knockdown with 1:30 left and went for rear naked choke, but couldn't get it. Nate managed to bet back to his feet but was all bloody. Easy 10-9 for Tim. Credeur was rocking him in the second but then Quarry caught him and nearly finished it. Place was going nuts. Nate beat on him from the guard. Tim tried an armbar here and there but didn't come close. 10-9 Quarry. Round three started exactly the same as the second. Credeur was rocking him and then Nate punched him right in the face and dropped him again. They stood up and had a bar fight. Credeur was so out of it that it probably should have been stopped for his own good. Herb stood them up with 30 seconds left. It took them 10 full seconds to get to their feet. Wild sloppy brawl to finish up. A clumsy fight in many spots but an awesome battle. Quarry got the win 29-28, and looked like utter hell. One ref gave it to him 29-27, probably figuring a 10-8 in round two. Quarry said he'd been in three-round battles and had first-round knockouts, and he could tell us from personal experience that first-round knockouts are better. Credeur did an interview saying people called him an awesome jiu-jitsu guy so he had to come out tonight and prove that he could do something else. God bless the guy, but what an idiot. If I were his wife, who inspired him to continue fighting, I'd kick his ass for that.
  286.  
  287. 2. Carlos Condit vs. Jake Ellenberger. Jakked-up Carrot Top is the scariest fucking thing in the world. Another complete battle. Jake got a takedown early, then after they were stood up Condit made a huge comeback. But then Jake nearly finished him twice, flooring him and pounding on him as he was in the fetal position. Jake nearly got a guillotine but Condit snuck out. Announcers were going nuts about how this could top the previous fight. Second round wasn't nearly as exciting as the first but still very competitive. Jake went for another guillotine in the third but Carlos popped his head out again. Jake was really slowing down and Condit was aggressively looking to finish. Ended up a split decision for Condit. Surprised anyone gave it to Jake, but what can you do? There were tons of boos for the decision.
  288.  
  289. They interviewed Rich Franklin about Saturday. He didn't have a black eye for the first time in forever. So that's a plus.
  290.  
  291. 3. Roger Huerta vs. Gray Maynard. They claimed Huerta was back and ready to make a run at the lightweight title. Could have sworn this was his last fight before going into acting. All stand-up in the first, and a bit tough to call. I think Huerta landed harder shots. Gray went for a takedown but couldn't get it. He landed some good shots in the second. Huerta was shaking them off, trying to act like he wasn't hurt, and that usually means a guy is hurt. I was trying to figure out why Maynard wasn't using his wrestling to fucking take the guy down. Well, I know why, but it was annoying me. Gray finally took him down in the third and mauled him. He went for a kimura and it looked SO bad, completely disgusting, but Huerta refused to tap and finally slipped out. It was more a hammerlock than a kimura and surely looked worse than it was. Maynard got the split decision with one 29-28 for Huerta and two 30-27s for Gray. I had it 29-28 Gray.
  292.  
  293. 4. Nate Diaz vs. Melvin Guillard. Video package was great. Melvin dropped him with a shot almost immediately but Nate stood right back up. Nate took him down but Melvin stood up and tossed him with a great judo throw. Nate was bleeding from the face. He got another takedown and Melvin scooted back to the fence to try to force the stand-up. Melvin moves like he's an absolutely incredible athlete but does very little with his physical talents. Melvin was landing shots in the second as Nate tried to get inside for a takedown. Melvin finally shot in and Nate hooked his head and put him in a guillotine for the submission. Nate is the man.
  294.  
  295. The UFC 103 PPV drew 17,428 fans to the American Airlines Center for a gate of $2.4 million. The gate was the largest for any event ever in the building. Bonuses of $65,000 were paid to Ric Story and Brian Foster (Best Fight), Story (Best Submission) and Belfort (Best Knockout).
  296.  
  297. They were scheduled to air the first two fights free on Spike, but instead they had time to air four.
  298.  
  299. 1. Tomasz Drwal vs. Drew McFedries. Technical difficulties prevented us from seeing the first few minutes of this fight. Drwal really turned it up at the end of the round, dominating him from the top and then nearly finishing him off with a choke. Rogan said Drew didn't look like himself. Drwal went right after him in the second and scored a takedown. Drwal got his back and choked him out. Drew looked like he wasn't even trying. He wasn't even trying to escape from the bottom. I can understand not being able to use jiu jitsu when a guy is punching you in the face, but Drwal didn't land a single shot this entire time.
  300.  
  301. 2. Rick Story vs. Brian Foster. An absolutely crazy brawl early. They were swinging like crazy, almost a Frye vs. Takayama-style battle. Then we had more cable problems as the Mexican announcers were talking over the action. Driving me nuts. Story ended up on top and beat the living piss out of him. Blood was all over the place. Foster was doing all he could to survive. He stood up and then got taken down, then stood up a second time and just got SMASHED. Story took him down against and went for an arm triangle. Foster had him in the guard, and it's very hard to tap a guy like that. Well, Story tapped him. Strong motherfucker. Great fight.
  302.  
  303. They did an interview with Rich Franklin hyping up the fight tonight. He was joking around about Belfort, saying they watched his fights in fast forward so he looked even faster. Also talked about training in Seattle on his transitions. Pretty much the same stuff we heard at Fight Night.
  304.  
  305. 3. Efrain Escudero vs. Cole Miller. Guys were active but the people were booing four minutes into the fight. Efrain responded by picking him up and bodyslamming him down, then when Cole got to his feet Efrain punching him right in the face for the KO. This was awesome.
  306.  
  307. 4. Jim Miller vs. Steve Lopez. Lopez got rocked early and tried to blow it off, meaning "That fucking hurt." I was in the middle of wondering if Lopez could possibly stick his chin out any farther when Miller punched him right in the face and dropped him. Active round. Miller nearly got him with a deadly-looking choke but Lopez managed to survive. That was something else. So the second round started and all of a sudden Steve Lopez waved off his own fight. Yes. His shoulder dislocated all the way out of his socket and obviously that was the end of that. Fucking brutal.
  308.  
  309. We had interviews with Dana and Vitor. Dana was like, we'll see what happens if the OLD VITOR shows up. Who the fuck is the OLD VITOR?
  310.  
  311. 5. Tyson Griffin vs. Hermes Franca. This featured two guys who could have easily cut to 145, but nobody wants to fight in WEC so they were here on TV jiggling. All stand-up early and people started booing the inaction. They may also have been upset about Franca's purple hair, perhaps thinking Tyson was attacking an old woman. Absolutely nothing happened through the first round, but I'd score it 10-9 Tyson. Second round amazingly started out hot and the place went nuts. Hermes grabbed his foot and was swinging wildly at his face. Tyson was still landing harder shots. Tyson suddenly dropped him with a shot. "FINISH GRAMMA!" people were screaming here in the room. Hermes actually did a hell of a job defending for a while, but Tyson snuck through and killed him dead.
  312.  
  313. 6. Frank Trigg vs. Josh Koscheck. Fight went less than two minutes. Koscheck caught him with a shot and finish it up on the ground. Trigg was pissed afterwards but I wouldn't call it premature.
  314.  
  315. Koscheck said he'd fight anyone, anywhere, every month if need be. He really wants a fight with Matt Hughes. That's probably at least a minor money fight.
  316.  
  317. 7. Paul Daley vs. Martin Kampmann. A great slugfest early. Rogan, who had to be drinking, started ranting about how pissed he was at DirecTV for not being able to see WEC right now. Kampmann landed some good knees in the corner, but then Daley rocked him with a shot. Kampmann was rocked and wobbly. Daley followed it up with shot after shot and the ref stopped it while he was still on his feet. Crowd booed like crazy and Kampmann was upset. I'm told this kind of stoppage happens all the time in boxing but not as often in MMA. Daley's left hook is deadly.
  318.  
  319. 8. Rafael Dos Anjos vs. Rob Emerson. We were figuring out this deal where there were two Dos' on this show, and also the fact that one guy was named JUNIOR Dos Santos. "What does that mean, Junior?" asked Tony. I concluded that his father was just Dos Santos, and his grandfather was UNO Santos. This is what happens when you drink and watch UFC. Kickboxing battle early. Dos Anjos shot in and worked for the takedown. He took the round. Dos Anjos was landing some good leg kicks in the second. I mean, HARD kicks, and Emerson was limping bad. Emerson was hurting so bad in the third that I thought he may as well quit and live to walk another day. Dos Anjos then shot in for a takedown. Why, I don't know. He was doing just fine standing. So he pounded on him from the guard and got to half guard. With 50 seconds left they were back on their feet and Anjos was killing him with leg kicks again. Dos Anjos got the win 30-27.
  320.  
  321. 9. Mirko Crocop vs. Junior Dos Santos. Santos rushed in and tried to overwhelm him early. Crocop held him at bay and threw a SCARY high kick, which got a big pop. Santos would get inside and just overwhelm him, but he also managed to get busted open with a left hook. "CROCOP!" Crocop tried a belly-to-belly but it failed and they ended up back on the feet. Crocop did far more damage in the first. Big ovation for both guys going into the second. Santos was just trying to overwhelm him. Crocop kept calm, shoving him off and setting back up again. A lot of boos with one minute left in the round Time out for a low blow. At least we've got plenty of time left on the show. I'd say 19-19 at this point. Crocop came out more aggressive in round three. He was still getting rocked with hard knees and shots. Dos Santos caught him in the clinch and landed hard knees. Suddenly, Crocop explained to the ref that he couldn't see and they waved it off. Crocop has to be done. He put a towel on his head and just walked out of the cage afterwards.
  322.  
  323. 10. Vitor Belfort vs. Rich Franklin. They got a pretty lame reaction for ring intros. The fans were way more into Nate Diaz vs. Melvin Guillard than this. Kind of scary. They did chant "FRANKLIN!" in the first minute. Belfort caught him 3:03 into the first round with a shot, then finished him with strikes on the ground. Does this mean the old Vitor is back? They showed a replay and it was a left as Franklin was dropping his head. They were teasing a Wanderlei Silva vs. Vitor Belfort rematch. I suppose they could make something of that with all the footage they have.
  324.  
  325. Joe interviewed Belfort afterwards, who said "JESUS I LOVE YOU!" He said glory to God, and also, thanks to all the fans! He said he missed this vibe. What vibe is this? This had to be the least heat of any main event in years. He said he loved his wife and family. Well, it wouldn't be that hard to love his wife.
  326.  
  327. a. Rafaello Oliveira vs. Nik Lentz. Oliveira took him down early and Lentz went for a guillotine. Couldn't get it, so Lentz stood right up. Oliveira took him right down again with a slam. Lentz kept trying for a guillotine but wasn't coming close. They ended up back on the feet and Lentz was connecting. He only had a minute left though, so probably 10-9 Oliveira. More of the same in the second. Lentz would not give up on trying this guillotine. They had a hilariously slow scramble in the final minute of the second. I guess you can give it to Oliveira but it was close. Neither guy did much. Lentz's corner told him he was doing great. Rogan kept talking about how Oliveira was getting tired, and meanwhile he was shooting in, getting takedowns and dominating from the top. Lentz slipped out and landed some body shots as Oliveira was lying in the crab. He dominated for enough of this round that I'd give him the third. Neither guy showed much, though. I predicted 29-28 Oliveira and the judges gave it to Lentz 29-28, 29-28 and 30-27. I can understand the 29-28 since the second round was close, but 30-27? Not that it matters.
  328.  
  329.  
  330. AJ wins the title at No Surrender
  331. The big news from the weekend was another huge shakedown in TNA as both Jim Cornette and BG James were released and old Russo crony Ed Ferrara was hired on. BG was good friends with Jeff Jarrett, and with him losing power this was considered a formality. BG knew he was on the bubble and had been working hard of late. The UK Sun reported that Cornette had been fired after he pitched a fit over the push of Eric Young. Stacy Cornette, Jim's wife, posted this on her Facebook last week: "For all of the fans -- this is complete horse shit. Just another way for Russo to try and smear Jim. I'm actually dumbfounded that this was even reported on. Jim WILL make a comment on this this week -- not to worry. Vince Russo is going under the bus." She ended up pulling it. We're told that something did happen, but it wasn't a huge blow-up or even any bigger than any other blow-up Cornette has had of late. It stemmed from the show two weeks ago where Eric Young was in about six segments on the show. Cornette was asking why the fuck they were pushing the guy in six segments on the show when he didn't even have a match on the PPV. To be honest, when recapping that episode on our radio show I think I realistically blew a bigger gasket than Cornette did.
  332.  
  333. As much as we've talked about unfiltered Vince Russo over the last several weeks, he hadn't been unfiltered and had, in fact, been working with Cornette. Cornette was playing the old Vince McMahon role when working with Russo in the mid-'90s, that being the guy who would take one of Russo's wacky overbooked ideas and say, "Listen, what if we do it this way?," and the end result would end up better. He'd been praised by nearly everyone as a booking genius and had put together a lot of the better segments in recent weeks. So then Russo apparently approached Dixie Carter about bringing in Ferrara. Ferrara was Russo's sidekick both in WWE and WCW until the two had a falling out. They've gotten back together of late, but the deal was that since Cornette and Ferrara were not on good terms (to say the least -- there was at least one physical confrontation between the two) Cornette would have to be fired for Ferrara to come in.
  334.  
  335. And so, yes, in two thousand and nine, Jim Cornette was fired to make room for the return of Ed Ferrara, who hasn't even been working in the wrestling business in years. With Cornette, Dutch Mantell and Jeff Jarrett all out of the picture, this will be the most unfiltered Russo since WCW. Maybe he's learned a ton. Or maybe it'll be exactly what most people expect it to be, a disaster. And if it is, TNA has nobody to blame but themselves.
  336.  
  337. On his Cornette's Collectibles page, this was written: "Thanks everyone for your kind words but, we are REALLY OK about all of this. Gives us more time to make QUALITY products for Cornette's Collectibles and devote our time to wrestling we actually enjoy being apart of." Of course, it was written before the Ed Ferrara news broke.
  338.  
  339. The PPV itself was your average middle-of-the-road TNA show with some good wrestling, some bad wrestling, some stuff that was really entertaining and some stuff that completely sucked. In the main event AJ Styles won the title from Angle after Matt Morgan laid out Angle with a big boot and both Sting and AJ had the chance to get the title. The storyline was that AJ nearly quit a few weeks back, but Sting talked him into staying and motivated him to do his best in this match. In a way it can be argued that letting AJ win devalued the title, but the way it came across at the time was that Sting fought and fought to win the belt and the match, but then when it came down to the moment of truth he realized that he was a 50-year-old man, his time had passed, and he'd encouraged this guy to come back and he'd be a dick to steal the glory from him. I liked the finish a lot, and I liked the fact that they did a huge celebration afterwards to try to put over the importance of the entire deal. A lot of the success or failure of this angle will be determined by the follow-up on Impact this week and how they set up Sting vs. AJ at Bound for Glory, which on the surface, after what happened here, makes no sense.
  340.  
  341. The opening video package was so fucking wacky. About ¾ of it was made to be an old-school silent film but with goofy music of which I could have sworn the main lyrics were "I'm LOL'ing!" If that's not what they were saying it may as well have been.
  342.  
  343. They actually had brackets for the women's title tournament.
  344.  
  345. 1. Taylor Wilde & Sarita vs. Beautiful People for the women's tag titles. Good girls had matching gear this evening. That's the good news. Bad news is that they didn't do the entrance where they jumped high in the air and bumped asses. So then Velvet and Madison came out and the announcers calmly explained that due to visa issues Angelina was no longer with the company. Tenay said they wished her all the best in her future endeavors. I love that saying. Earl Hebner ran out before the match and kicked Slick Johnson out since he's been fucking Madison in storyline. Hopefully the Beautiful People win and it comes out that Velvet was fucking Earl. Good guys ran wild on Velvet early. Madison cut off Sarita for the heat. Selling is not what she does best, so this wasn't much. Taylor made a hot tag and ran wild on Madison. Broke down into a four-way, then Taylor pinned Madison with a double-team springboard dropkick/German combo. That was anticlimactic. (*1/2)
  346.  
  347. Lauren was backstage with Sarita and Taylor. They basically said YAY and talked about how they loved teaming together. Well, that's something different. A team that doesn't hate each other.
  348.  
  349. Borash interviewed Eric Young. They're doing a gimmick where Eric Young doesn't understand English, so he has Kiyoshi translate for him. The translation consists of Kiyoshi talking to him in Japanese, and THAT Eric understands. So yes, wacky comedy in an otherwise serious angle. So stupid. Eric said even though he was scheduled to face Hernandez he still wanted him to join World Elite, so he was going to go out in his suit and let Hernandez do anything he wanted, and he wouldn't lay a hand on him.
  350.  
  351. 2. Eric Young vs. Hernandez. Hernandez came out and beat the shit out of him. Eric, the heel, kept his word and didn't raise a finger. So Hernandez gave him the border toss and pinned him. What the hell was that? (DUD)
  352.  
  353. Matt Morgan did a promo saying the games were over. No more tricks, no more head games, just violence. The future, he said, was now.
  354.  
  355. 3. Daniels vs. Samoa Joe. Going into this, I had no idea which guy was the X Division Champion. WWE is doing a better job with their tag titles than TNA is doing with the X-Title. Think about that. They showed the recap and apparently Joe is the champion. They had an awesome list of X-FACTORS going into this one: "Daniels escapes Asylum." This was in reference to his win last month in the cage. So yes, a win last month is an X-Factor for a match this month. Next was "FRIENDS BECOME FOES." That's always sad. And finally, "Personal issues strike a nerve." Was this the throw-away comment Daniels made about Joe's family that Joe took so seriously? Daniels ran wild early and hit a huge tope to the outside. Daniels went for a dive in the ring and got uranage'd in midair. That has to suck. Way less heat early than they used to have during their classics back in the day. Awesome moment when they said Joe had an extensive MMA background, and then he immediately applied a NERVE HOLD. Daniels made a comeback and hit a huge top rope legdrop. Joe rolled outside and Daniels followed it up with a split-legged moonsault. Joe sold it like he was dead and Daniels couldn't lift his massive girth. But he was playing possum. Joe cut him off again and went to work on his knees. He actually did a cool sitting knee-buster. Daniels made a comeback and hit a clothesline off the top for a one-count. Crowd reaction was super disappointing. Daniels went for a suplex but Joe was too heavy, so Joe cut him off and killed him with a half-Nelson German. It was actually totally safe but looked good. Daniels hit the STO and went for the moonsault but Joe moved. Daniels sold his knee, then Joe hit the kick into the corner and went for the muscle buster. Daniels snuck out. Several reversals, then Joe put him in the rear-naked choke for the submission. Cool finish, but way below the level of their previous matches. (***1/4)
  356.  
  357. Foley was all pissed off backstage. Someone, he said, destroyed the picture of himself and Jeremy Borash. He said this was his prized possession. Foley rarely gets this upset for people kicking his ass with a barbed-wire bat. He said he was going to find the perpetrator and lay down the law.
  358.  
  359. Lauren said there was an OUTCRY amongst fans to see D'Angelo vs. Suicide again. An OUTCRY. Pope cut his usual awesome evangelical promo. This guy is the best promo in wrestling this decade. He was ranting and raving and then said he was all exerted and needed to recharge. He had a Six-Hour Power drink. Even the Pope needs to pay the bills, he said. As he was sipping it, SUICIDE SNUCK IN behind him. He did his little hand signal, then leaped high in the air with an axe handle and it was ON~!
  360.  
  361. 4. Suicidee vs. THE POPE in a falls count anywhere match. Pope put him on a bunch of heavy boxes and then did a flying elbow off this high thingy. That was stupid and looked like it hurt like hell. Suicide got a nearfall in the back with a small package. Would have been a great finish. Suicide backdropped him into a dumpster and made a cover in there. The Pope tried to run him down with a golf cart but couldn't get it going. Tazz was trying to give him directions. Suicide pantsed him and they zoomed in on his bare ass. Suicide put his head on the ring bell and rang it. THAT had to suck. They fought their way back to the ring. Pope set up a table below the ramp and they teased going through it. Suicide gave him Finlay's rolling SOS on the ramp. That also had to suck. This match, by the way, was going on FOREVER. And keep in mind, it was added today. Did they time this show and realize they were short like 45 minutes? Suicide put him on a table and tried a legdrop off a high place. He missed, went ass-first through the table, and Pope rolled on top of him for the pin. I credit the Six-Hour Power. (***1/4)
  362.  
  363. 5. Cody Deaner vs. ODB for the vacant Knockout's Title. They've changed the name to the WOMEN'S Knockout Title. This was designed to be a Jerry Spring Redneck Marital Spat come to life, and both of them played their roles to perfection. ODB ran wild early and hit a huge high cross off the post to the floor. That terrified me. He cut her off as she was driving his head repeatedly into her vagina but couldn't bring himself to punch her. So he slapped her around and choked her and demanded she pronounce him KING OF THE KNOCKOUTS. Deaner drank from her flask and went for a double sledge but she caught him in the crotch claw. "The Yam Bag Clutch," Taz called it. She hit a flying Thesz press but Deaner kicked out. He went for a pin using the ropes but the ref caught him. They did the old ref-shoves-the-wrestler-into-a-schoolgirl spot but Deaner kicked out. She went for a sunset flip and Deaner sold it better than anyone in history. Then they did the ref-kicks-his-hands-off-the-ropes-into-a-cradle spot, but he kicked out of that. Deaner finally hit her with a knockout punch, the crowd booed loudly, but she kicked out. "ODB!" Deaner missed a big splash and she hit a TKO for the pin. BOO! GOD DAMN IT! This was so much fun and Deaner should have been champion for like a month setting up ODB winning it at the next PPV. What the fuck can you do? I loved this. As a match, the star rating was in the ** range, but in terms of entertainment it was an easy *****. ODB did cut a great promo afterwards putting over the women and the title.
  364.  
  365. Angle did a promo burying Matt Morgan. He said Morgan was tall and strong, but he (Angle) had more brains and more heart. He said tonight would be real, it would be DAMN REAL.
  366.  
  367. 6. Kevin Nash vs. Abyss for the Legend's Title and the $50,000 bounty. Foley did commentary. There was a bag that supposedly had $50,000 in it. Nash opened it up, glanced at it, and then deemed it acceptable. I was sitting there thinking how stupid it was that Kevin Nash could verify $50,000 on sight, but then I realized if anyone in the world could, it would be Kevin Nash. Abyss' new gear is that of a homeless man. They teased the epic double chokeslam spot, but it failed. Match was exactly what you'd expect. Stevie came out to watch. Abyss sold for a while, then made a comeback. Stevie started making his way to ringside. This allowed Daffney to sneak in with a taser. Abyss gave her the black hole slam. People went nuts. Abyss got the taser but Stevie ran in and confiscated it. The referee was busy sending him to the back as opposed to, you know, calling for a DQ. Nash waffled Abyss with a chair but Abyss kicked out. Nash went for the powerbomb but Abyss chokeslammed him. Nash took an awful bump, but what do you expect? Abyss demanded the bat from Foley. Mick went to give it to him. The ref said no. So Foley gave it to Abyss, and rather than calling for the DQ or confiscating the bat or something like that, instead the ref allowed the handoff and then went to chastise Foley. This is so fucking horrible. Before Abyss could use it, Nash tasered him in the cock and pinned him. He tried to take the bag, but Stevie said no. So Nash powerbombed, then took the bag and left. So did he cash in or did I just witness theft? Anyway, this fucking sucked and got worse the longer it went. (DUD)
  368.  
  369. Borash interviewed Scott Steiner and Booker T. They don't care AT ALL. Booker was standing there doing the fakest fake lats ever, and Steiner was putt-putt golfing. They buried everyone in as goofy a manner as possible. Steiner did have a hilarious line where he said he hated British Invasion because they were foreigners and if there was one thing he couldn't stand it was foreigners come to our country who couldn't speak English. Inmates running the asylum here. I don't care, as long as I laugh.
  370.  
  371. 7. Inexplicable Lethal Lockdown. James Storm and Doug Williams started. The cage stip made no sense, and then the match started on the ramp. They finally got in and did moves, then went for covers and couldn't seem to figure out why the ref wasn't counting. I love both these guys but this was the longest five minutes in history. Brutus Magnus was the next guy in. They beat up on Storm. Robert Roode was in next to make the comeback. Got a moderate pop. They did their stuff. Scott Steiner was in next. Yes, before Booker T. He ran wild and did a HORRIBLE top rope frankensteiner on Roode off the top. Luckily he lived. At least they were doing the psychology right here. D-Von was in next. He looked a lot fatter than usual. This match was dragging bad. Booker was in next. Storm was busted open. Yes, for this. Next thing you know, Scott Steiner was outside. Why? I don't know. He was just walking around, then went back inside. Even Penzer sounded bored. Bubba Ray was in next. He came down the ramp looking around in a confusing manner. Suddenly, Rob Terry ran out and beat him up. Talk about telegraphing. He laid out Bubba with a chair, then forced the guy with the controls to lower the cage. So the babyfaces were at the four-on-three disadvantage. Nobody gave a shit about any of this. Bubba wrapped a chair around Terry's head, then went and got in the cage. Yes, he just opened the door. The fuck was the point of the cage and the top then? He waffled everyone with the chair, event though the cage was filled with weapons. Babyfaces ran wild. Brutus Magnus and Beer Money went up top. They did the Beer Money suplex on the cage. Crowd was chanting "THIS WAS AWESOME!" It SO was not. Storm then pinned Doug with a powerbomb. Place was going nuts chanting "TNA!" I guess they were watching a different match. (*3/4)
  372.  
  373. Lauren interviewed Rhino about facing "possibly the greatest MMA fighter in the world." She really said this. Rhino said real men put on wrestling boots and fought. He said he didn't care what Lashley had done in MMA, tonight he was facing a WAR MACHINE who was going to eat him alive. "YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE, MY RULES~!" He said there would be no MMA gloves and kickpads, just bare fists and pain. This was actually a really good promo.
  374.  
  375. 8. Lashley vs. Rhino. They did, in fact, have something resembling a real match. Lashley ran wild on him early, then Rhino cut him off and threw him hard into the guardrail. They were noting that there was no cement or guardrails in MMA. Rhino put on various chinlocks and such. So then Lashley made a comeback and we had a ref bump. Could they possibly have designed a shittier debut for Lashley? Rhino hit the gore and a second ref ran in but Lashley kicked out. Rhino went for a second gore but Lashley gave him a KO punch for the pin. So what was the point of the ref bump? Worse, as he was going for the pin he tripped on the ref and nearly blew out his knee. (*1/2)
  376.  
  377. JB interviewed Sting and AJ. AJ said his only focus tonight was WINNING. Sting said let tonight be, for one of us, the first day of the rest of our lives. Isn't that every day, regardless, except for the day you die?
  378.  
  379. 9. Angle vs. Sting vs. AJ vs. Morgan vs. Hernandez in a five-way for the title. They introduced all four guys, then Hernandez's music hit. He said he didn't come to the PPV to just wrestle for five minutes and was officially cashing in his briefcase. Why would you do that in a four-way? Angle and Hernandez brawled on the map and the other three brawled in the ring. Eric Young ran out and gave Hernandez a piledriver on the ramp. No one cared. Tenay kept talking about the unwritten locker room code not to do piledrivers. You know, unless you're Petey Williams. Sting and AJ cleared the ring and then did wrestling moves. AJ did a dive onto Morgan and Angle outside and missed both. AJ and Angle did spots but were off on a lot. Amazingly clunky given who was involved. So anyway, Hernandez was gone and it was back to the four-way. They did a bunch of moves. Sting did a dropkick off the top and sold his shoulder. "YOU STILL GOT IT!" Everyone hit a finisher on everyone else. Morgan got sent out side and grabbed his knee, then said "OH FUCK!" Angle was laid out in the ring and Sting and AJ had to decide what to do. Sting chose to jump on Morgan outside, basically handing the win and the title to AJ. Place went nuts. The finish was great, but it took WAY too long to get there. They did the big confetti ceremony and the babyfaces came out to celebrate with him. Not only that, they brought fans into the ring as well. Cool final moment. (**1/4)
  380.  
  381. And by the way, in hindsight, exactly as I'd figured when it started, what a fucking complete moron Hernandez turned out to be.
  382.  
  383.  
  384. Mistico shaves Casas
  385. CMLL ran their 76th anniversary show on September 18th at Arena Mexico in Mexico City, headlined by Mistico taking the hair of company legend Negro Casas.
  386.  
  387. The father of CMLL, Salvador Lutteroth Gonzalez, ran his first show at Arena Modelo in Mexico City on Thursday, September 21, 1933. Although he is credited with being the man who brought professional wrestling to Mexico, the reality is that wrestling matches in the country have been verified going back to the 1850s. Most of these were associated with touring carnivals, much like pro wrestling in the US at the time, though a few pre-Lutteroth full wrestling cards have been recorded, including one that featured all Greco-Roman matches. But Lutteroth was the one who took the concept and created what ultimately became one of the most popular sporting events in the country. The first-ever anniversary show took place exactly a year after the debut, on September 21, 1934, the day that Lutteroth just happened to win 40,000 pesos in the Mexican National Lottery, which helped finance his business and eventually build his own arenas.
  388.  
  389. The 76th show drew a sellout crowd of 17,500, a great number for a company that has had problems drawing over the past year or so. Part of the problem is that WWE has come to the country and shown fans what a real high-level major league wrestling show is all about. CMLL, which of the two major promotions in Mexico (the other being AAA) is the more traditional, has not attempted to battle WWE at their own game, preferring instead to continue doing what they have been doing since their formation. There is a theory that AAA, because they're trying to compete with WWE at their own game, may end up hurt more in the long run since they're never going to be able to come close to matching WWE's resources, and CMLL, by remaining traditional, will be able to successfully differentiate itself. They did buy a bunch of new lighting and create a brand new entrance stage for this show, which was said to make the promotion look a lot more modern. CMLL also has the advantage that they own all of their own arenas and pay wrestlers on a percentage, meaning no matter how low attendance is they never lose money on shows, ever.
  390.  
  391. There was a pall of sadness over the show as a gunman went nuts on the subway that a lot of fans were taking to get to this show, and nine people were shot dead before he was captured.
  392.  
  393. 1. Dark Angel (Sarita from TNA) & Lady Apache beat La Amapola & Raven Hiroka two falls to one in the opener. Said to be the worst match on the show. The girls looked nervous, plus Hiroka has been on vacation most of the summer and looked out of shape.
  394.  
  395. 2. El Electrico & Bam Bam & El Pequeno Olimpico beat El Pequeno Damian 333 & Pequeno Pierroth & Pequeno Black Warrior in a minis match two falls to zero. Bam Bam did a stretcher job in the second fall. Finish was to set up Electrico challenging Pierroth for the mini's title this coming Friday at Arena Mexico. Said to be a good match even though it was missing many of the best minis, with some calling it the second best match on the show.
  396.  
  397. 3. Sagrado & Hijo del Fantasma & La Mascara Dorada beat Sangre Azteca & Dragon Rojo Jr. & Misterioso Jr. two falls to one. Most people called this the best match on the show. The fans love the rudo team, but they've been on quite the losing streak of late.
  398.  
  399. 4. Volador Jr. & La Sombra & La Mascara beat Averno & Mephisto & Ephesto via DQ in three falls when Averno pulled off the mask (and the boots for historical purposes) of Volador right in front of both referees. The heels destroyed him afterwards and he had to be stretchered to the back. In a trivia note, Mascara was the first guy on this show to come out not wearing a brand new outfit to signify the importance of this show. Volador looked really bad here and might have been hurt going in.
  400.  
  401. 5. Team Japan of Jushin Liger & Yujiro & Naito & Okumura beat Ultimo Guerrero & Black Warrior & Atlantis & Hector Garza. Atlantis was subbing for Shocker, who no-showed. Yes, his name is apropos. Said to have great heat with the crowd one hundred percent behind the Mexicans, even though half the team consisted of rudos. Liger pinned Guerrero in fall three with a super brainbuster, causing Guerrero to be stretchered out and setting up a match for Guerrero's CMLL heavyweight title this coming Friday that should be out of this world.
  402.  
  403. 6. Mistico beat Negro Casas in the mask vs. hair match, taking Casas, 49, to 16-5 in stipulation matches throughout his career. Mistico, 26, is now 11-0. Mistico took the first fall with the la magistral cradle, then Casas pinned him in the second with a magistral of his own (and help from second Mr. Niebla), then Mistico won the third fall with a simple dive off the top rope. Finish was said to be anticlimactic. Afterwards, Mistico attacked Felino (Casas' legit brother) and challenged him to a mask vs. mask match for down the road. Even though Casas is a legend and beloved even as a heel, it was still only a 50/50 reaction here. Lots of people thought it would be 100 percent Casas. For whatever reason, either because the match wasn't a classic (they're Dos Leyendas match was said to be better) or because he didn't want to get in the way of the post-match angle, Casas left the ring with only a little of his hair trimmed, which upset a lot of the fans.
  404.  
  405.  
  406. In House Notes
  407. We'll double-up on Industry News next week.
  408.  
  409. The number next to your name on the address label indicates which issue your Figure Four Weekly subscription expires with. Thus, if you have a [744] next to your name, this is the final issue of your current subscription.
  410.  
  411. Very special thanks to the following people for their help over the years in producing Figure Four Weekly: Gladys "Granny" Gibson, Dave Meltzer, Tony Leder, Alex Marvez, Zack Arnold, Colin Vassallo, Kris Zellner, Manuel Gonzalez, Craig Proper, Vincent Verhei, Keith Lipinski, Robert Bihari, The Cubs Fan, Kyle Wolf, Devin Cutting, Shawn Garrett, Bob Barnett, Mike Lano, Adam Lebow, Mike Sempervive, Adam Summers, Mike Coughlin, Karl Stern, Steve "Dr. Lucha~!" Sims, Mike K, Forrest Lynn. Thanks also to everyone who sent in news over the past week.
  412.  
  413. Worldwide renewal rates due to rising postage costs are $100 per one-year subscription (52 issues), $55 per six-month subscription (26 issues), $30 per three-month subscription (12 issues), and $12 per one month subscription.
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  416.  
  417.  
  418. TV Reviews
  419.  
  420. ECW
  421. Tiffany came out to kick the show off in phenomenal fashion. She said the WWE Universe was buzzing about breaking point and she was EXSPECIALLY happy about the title match. Regal interrupted her. He came out and kissed her ass saying she looked lovely every evening, but was exceptionally beautiful tonight. Also, he said, you are doing a wonderful job as General Manager. "Incredible." He said he knew she had a keen eye for talent, especially talent as wonderful as Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson. He wanted to know why she had to bar these gentlemen from ringside during his championship bout. She said she did it because she wanted to keep the match one-on-one with no outside interference. "I think your decision was a little rash," he said, and it caused him unnecessary grief in his battle. He asked for a rematch. She said no, he wasn't getting a rematch, instead they were going to have a battle royal to determine a new number-one contender. She told Zeke and Vlad to hit the bricks, then told Regal, who was in his suit, that he would be in action right now.
  422.  
  423. Regal vs. Hurricane. Crowd was quiet for much of this. Hurricane beat him from pillar to post, then as he threw him back into the ring Regal hit his knee trembler (I love that name) for the pin. Hopefully this storyline leads to Regal getting the title, because he's the best thing on this show right now. Paul Burchill ran in afterwards and laid out Hurricane with a jackhammer, which they're calling the DANGEROUS BUSTER~!.
  424.  
  425. Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu were backstage. Goldust was trying to teach him English. This was great. Zack Ryder walked up and asked Yoshi if he could say "loser." Yoshi said, "Zack Ryder." Zack said we'd find out who the loser was later tonight.
  426.  
  427. Savannah interviewed Burchill about what he'd just done. Paul said he did it because of what Hurricane did to his sister last week. I've totally forgotten.
  428.  
  429. The Bellas came out to do the ring intros for Yoshi vs. Zack. Why does Zack like to listen to the radio? I have no idea what his music is about but the Teacher loves it. Nobody cared much. Zack got the heat after pulling him off the middle rope. Yoshi did a roaring elbow to start his comeback. Teach said it was an homage to his childhood hero, as was the green tights, but didn't say the name Mitsuharu Misawa. Lots of nearfalls, then Yoshi hit his Mirko Crocop high kick for the pin. I love Yoshi.
  430.  
  431. Battle Royal to determine number-one contender with Tatsu, Tyler Reks, Sheamus, Dreamer, Shelton, Burchill, Goldust, Kozlov, Zeke and Zack Ryder. Largely your usual boring battle royal until it got down to the last few guys. Woo Woo Guy lost his headband and became hardly recognizable. There was a frankly amazing reaction when Zeke almost eliminated Goldust and Tommy made the save. Huge pop and the people even chanted "GOLDUST!" Shelton and Dreamer tossed Zeke to a big pop, then Sheamus from the outside pulled Shelton out to eliminate him. They said this was legal. OK. Came down to Zack, Tommy, Goldust and Kozlov. Goldust made a huge comeback on Zack and the place went nuts. Unfortunately for them, he then got tossed. Dreamer low-bridge Kozlov to send him outside, then ZACK FUCKING RYDER tossed Dreamer to win the title shot. I can't believe what I just typed. So wacky.
  432.  
  433.  
  434. ULTIMATE FIGHTER SEASON 10
  435. Rashad and Quinton were already jawjacking. Rashad told him UFC told him to do a face-off and Quinton said he never heard that. Rashad said Quinton had tons of losses and he only had one. Quinton said he'd never fought anyone. They met the guys. Quinton was like, these are some big boys. "What the hell?" Dana pulled the guys together and said there was only 15 guys here and he wanted to introduce number 16. He said guy was a fighter, but was he a mixed martial artist? "It is Tank Abbott?" asked Quinton. Fucking great. Dana said he'd talked more shit about this guy than anyone. It was Kimbo. The guys were all like yeah, fuck that guy, let's kill him! Roy Nelson actually said he thought HE was the big announcement. Oh I LOL'd. Dana said the guys were going to train for two hours, then they'd pick teams and the guys would move into the house tonight. Rampage said he wanted Kimbo. Rashad was like, GOOD!.
  436.  
  437. Rashad brought in Greg Jackson. One of the NFL guys said this workout was way harder than the NFL was. Jackson had brought in Tiki Ghosn. Yes, TIKI GHOSN. Haven't heard that name in a long-ass time. Quinton kind of blew off Roy because he was so fat, making fun of his "titties." Roy said this was a good strategy. Quinton was impressed with Kimbo's stand-up, but said his ground and his wrestling sucked. They had the coin toss, which would get you either the first fighter or the first two fights. You have to win both fights to keep control, otherwise control goes to the other team. Rashad chose to pick the first fighter since there were two guys that he worked out with. He got them, and Quinton got Kimbo. Also, Wes Sims. Sims is doing a total pro-wrestling gimmick, saying he was the only man to beat Frank Mir on two occasions. He also said he'd never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Quinton said his team was better because they were bigger and size does matter. Everyone in the house was talking about how badly they wanted to beat the shit out of Kimbo.
  438.  
  439. The teams trained. Marcus Jones, a former football player, was dying during the cardio drills. He said he'd do anything, even if it killed him. It was time to choose the fight. Quinton got to pick, so he chose Jon Madsen (Rashad) vs. Abe Wagner (Quinton). Rashad said Jon was an awesome wrestler and Abe had no ground game so that was a stupid pick by Quinton. Abe also has a real job in a prominent position at a big company so fighting is now his life. Oh boy. Trouble for him.
  440.  
  441. Abe Wagner vs. Jon Madsen. Jon took him down immediately as one would expect. A very boring ground and pound. I spoke too soon. Jon busted him open and Wagner was leaking blood like a faucet out of his head. It turned into an absolutely sick amount of blood, so bad I couldn't believe they didn't gray it out. Wagner swept him right at the end of the round. The guys predicted the doctor would stop it or he wouldn't come out for round two. They were wrong. Another takedown by Jon. Quinton was pissed that Abe had shook hands with the guy and set him up for the takedown. Ref Steve Mazzagatti got bored and stood them up quickly. Jon took him right back down. "HE'S DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER!" Quinton was screaming. "ABE, GET UP! GET UP, ABE!" Aside from the blood, nothing of note at all here. After the fourth stand-up and takedown Quinton went nuts and walked out. Scores were 20-16, 20-16, 20-17. Holy shit, that was a one-sided ass-whooping. Quinton did a meeting afterwards saying his fighters were banned from touching gloves before the fight. They had a clip at the very end of them opening up Abe's vagina-like cut to check if they could see the bone. I nearly vomited. They had tons of clips from the rest of the season, and fuck the fighting, I just want to enjoy the drama.
  442.  
  443.  
  444. Impact
  445. Foley arrived. He dragged his kids to work. Poor buggers. Nash then arrived in these wacky plaid shorts. Absurd.
  446.  
  447. Sabin and Shelley were there for the second week in a row doing commentary. Tenay had no idea this was going to happen. Taz said they were just having fun. So they bought all this audio equipment, hooked it up through the truck, and did this with nobody's permission. How wacky.
  448.  
  449. Angelina Love & Velvet Sky vs. Christy & Tara. So here you go, the final ever entrance with the original Beautiful People. The tarantula was there in the corner in a glass box. They plugged Traci in Playboy. Heat on Christy and it wasn't much, including the worst snapmare in wrestling history. Well, better her selling than making a comeback. Tara made a comeback on Velvet. Whose idea was that? Her bumps are still pretty awful. Christy hit her legdrop off the middle rope but Angelina broke it up. Madison Rayne then ran out with hairspray. They teased she was going to spray it into Velvet's eyes but it was a SWERVE and she sprayed Christy. Ref Slick Johnson was looking right at it but didn't do anything. At least that made sense because the storyline is he's fucking Madison. So anyway, Madison had a paper bag and she opened it up and it said "I'M SORRY" with a frowny face on it. OK, that was great. So they're back together again.
  450.  
  451. Lauren interviewed D'Angelo Dinero. I guess the Pope was channeling an old-school televangelist, but he may as well have been trying to channel Dusty Rhodes. He buried "Suicidee," then said later tonight he was going to do a laying of hands on Lauren. This was great. This man should be champion.
  452.  
  453. Dinero vs. Suicide. Lots of boos for the superhero and the Pope had a noticeable following. We got a lot of commentary from the Guns during this one. Suicide made a comeback and went for a splash off the top, but Pope got his knees up and then hit his double knees to the back for the pin. They are doing an awesome job getting him over and this match was fun.
  454.  
  455. Kiyoshi interviewed Eric Young. Kiyoshi can't speak English. So yes, they did this just to be funny. Eric did a promo for Homicide about why he turned heel on Hernandez. Homicide then grabbed the mic and said Hernandez had changed. It's like they're getting a divorce. He said he made Hernandez, and Hernandez had left the gang and that meant he had to be destroyed. "To live and die in WORLD ELITE!" he announced.
  456.  
  457. Rhino, who looks like he's dropped a lot of weight, did a promo about how mad he was at Bobby Lashley. Actually, that's what I thought he was going to do. Instead, he talked about how TNA tried to give him a "push" by exploiting his love for a drink or two, and putting him with that geek Jesse Neal. He said Jesse embarrassed him so he had to kick his ass. He said he nearly vomited when he saw Dixie putting Lashley over and on TV. He wanted to know when was the last time you called me? He was upset that she announced Lashley vs. Rhino and not Lashley vs. THE WAR MACHINE. "GET THAT RIGHT, TOOTS!" This was actually a hilarious promo. Out came D-Von. He said Bubba was going to come out and kill Rhino, instead he was there to talk some sense into him. He said back in the day in ECW he and Bubba took Rhino under their wing and did all they could to mentor him, and Rhino had taken advantage of Jesse like an asshole. He said they should go backstage right now, talk this over, and have a good time. This was a great promo. He offered a handshake. Rhino shook, but then turned and stomped a mudhole in him. Bubba Ray made the save. Hell of a way to build up Rhino vs. LASHLEY.
  458.  
  459. Kiyoshi & Mad Sheik vs. Hernandez in a handicap match. They got heat on him briefly, then he made a brief comeback and pinned Kiyoshi with a border toss that looked like it sucked. Effective match. Homicide came out afterwards and distracted Hernandez, allowing Eric to hit him with a chair. They put the briefcase on his neck and then smashed it with a chair. They played up the fact that he'd just come back from neck surgery and this could be a career-ender.
  460.  
  461. ODB did a promo about how no man was going to win the TNA "Knocked Up Title," talking about how TNA had "the best broads" in the business and they'd worked their asses off to make something of themselves and Cody Deaner wasn't going to make a mockery of that. Apparently they've broke up. How sad.
  462.  
  463. Cody vs. Alyssa Flash in a lumberjill match. I have no idea why this match is taking place, why it's a lumberjill match, or anything. He got thrown outside so all the girls beat him up and stomped a mudhole in him. Why are they doing this before the PPV? They beat him half to hell, then threw him into the ring and Alyssa pinned him. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS? Shouldn't all the girls getting their revenge on him be something we're supposed to pay for? So then Kong attacked Tara, Madison attacked Christy, and ODB hit Cody with her flask on the ramp, laying him out. This was completely, totally mind-boggling.
  464.  
  465. Lauren interviewed Nash. He was lounging on a couch drinking a glass of wine. In walked a blonde who was better-looking than anyone in the entire company. Then another girl. You see, Nash is doing a contest looking for a new valet, so he was busy doing a casting call. Lauren was like, shouldn't you be worried about your match with Foley, or the match with Abyss at the PPV? "I don't think he's listening to me," Lauren said, but then looked at the pictures and said, "Those are really nice pictures, though." Nash told her she needed to relax and gave her a glass of wine. "That's good wine," she said. "I make a lot of money," he said. He said he was looking for Cinderella and she could jump to the front of the line if she wanted. But then a huge fat woman walked in and Nash told her to sit on his lap. He said any man could be with a ten but the mark of a real swordsman was to duel with a woman like this. "Stay wet," he said. This was perversely hilarious.
  466.  
  467. Foley then cut a promo saying tonight he was going to start taking back TNA one step at a time.
  468.  
  469. Nash vs. Foley for the Legend's Title. Nash is the champion. I think. Was busy getting ice cream. Foley hit the running knee in the corner about two minutes in and put on the socko claw. Nash tossed him outside, then kicked him into the guardrail and got the heat. So they were in the middle of the heat when Abyss' music hit and he ran out with a barbed wire bat. Nash ran off and that was the end of the match. People were booing. Nash and Foley were both baffled. Abyss was trying to hug Foley afterwards but Foley turned his back on him. This was weird, and lame.
  470.  
  471. Lauren interviewed Robert Roode and Bubba Ray. They're having a match tonight and the winner gets the man advantage in Lethal Lockdown Sunday. Yes, there is a Lethal Lockdown Sunday for literally no good reason. It was a good promo to hype up a pointless match.
  472.  
  473. Lauren interviewed Abyss, who was crying backstage about what Foley had said to him. "Who knows what Kevin would have done to him if I wasn't there?" He was freaking out that Foley might be mad at him, then ran off. What shit.
  474.  
  475. Roode & Bubba vs. Steiner & Brutus Magnus. Heat on Bubba. Steiner gave him a great exploder, then Bubba hit his full Nelson ass-buster and tagged in Roode. He had the pin on Magnus with the perfectplex but Doug Williams snuck in and hit Roode with the belt, allowing Magnus to get the pin. Magnus not only got the pin, but Earl Hebner for some odd reason counted four. Either that or Roode thought he counted three when it was only a two and they rang the bell and played the music anyway. There was a spot identical to that at WrestleMania III during the Savage vs. Steamboat match where the ref dropped to count and everyone thought when he dropped down that was the one-count and couldn't figure out what happened when the match continued after the "pin".
  476.  
  477. They did a video package and I couldn't pay any attention to it because all I could focus on was Dixie Carter standing in front of a sign that said something, but the way she was standing the only letters you could see were "ASS." Only in TNA.
  478.  
  479. Kong & Raeesha vs. Sarita & Taylor Wilde. The best part of this, just like last week, was the celebration Taylor and Sarita did before the match, where they did a high five, then bumped asses and did a jumping full turn. So awesome. They killed Sarita early, then she did a bunch of rolls and made the hot tag. Some clunkiness here but it was fine and the people loved it. Taylor ended up pinning Raeesha with a great German. Kong went nuts. They sent Lauren out to interview the winners. They said they were going to win the titles Sunday and be the CAMPEONES~!.
  480.  
  481. Borash interviewed Kurt about the four-way at the PPV with Angle, Sting, Morgan and AJ. He said being champion of TNA was one thing, but being the best at his craft was the most important thing. The way he was cutting his promo made me think for sure he's losing. He concluded saying he would not and could not be defeated at the PPV.
  482.  
  483. Lauren interviewed AJ and Sting. They were wearing TNA T-shirts and jeans. They said they were both competitors, and if push came to shove they were going to have to compete against each other to see who was the best.
  484.  
  485. Angle came out to do commentary for the main event. Matt Morgan vs. Samoa Joe. Morgan ran wild early. "This is making me nauseous," Angle said. Morgan set up for the hellevator but Joe cut him off and gave him a back suplex. Morgan just stood right up, hit a chokeslam and then went for the big boot. Joe slid outside, then tripped him up and beat him around ringside. Morgan ended up by the announcer's table and somehow a huge thing of water ended up all over Angle. Angle flipped his lid, I mean he went totally apeshit and was all over Morgan like a monkey on a cupcake. Say what you will about Kurt but I would NOT want to get on that guy's bad side in a physical confrontation. They had Chris Daniels come out for approximately 5 seconds to chase Joe backstage. The brawl continued through the break, then Angle gave Morgan an Angle slam through a table to end the show. Pretty good episode. It did, however, spell the end of Angelina Love and Jim Cornette, so that's not a good thing.
  486.  
  487.  
  488. Smackdown
  489. Teddy Long showed up surrounded by security. "You guys, please, stay close to me," he noted. He made sure to stop every now and then and peer dramatically around corners to make sure the Dead Man wasn't there stalking him.
  490.  
  491. Show opened with Big Dave coming out to explain why he was coming to Smackdown. Batista said when he gave them the word he was returning they told him he could choose whichever show he wanted. He said he chose the best show, the A-show, and he couldn't wait to get started. Jericho interrupted his promo. Jericho congratulated him on returning to the show and gave him a sarcastic handshake. Dave has added a nose stud. What the fo. Jericho buried him and said he'd been gone a long time, and now that he was back he needed to know that Jericho was the man on this show. Dave said he was always told, "To be the man you've got to beat the man." Clearly this was taped before Flair signed for Hulkamania. Dave said we'd find out who the man was, because tonight Jericho had a match -- "with me".
  492.  
  493. Jericho met with Show backstage and wanted to know where he was. Show said he was where Jericho told him to be. He noted that Jericho told him to stay here and not come out. Jericho said yes, he did say that, and he'd beaten Batista before for the title and he was going to do it again tonight.
  494.  
  495. John Morrison vs. Mike Knox. Dolph Ziggler did commentary. He wasn't much. Morrison wiped Knox out with a sweet moonsault early. Knox ended up sending him into the post for the heat. He hit a bicycle kick to the back of the head that looked like it sucked. Morrison made a comeback and hit a springboard kick. Knox did a forward roll bump and landed perfectly in position for the starship pain. This was fine. Morrison cut a promo afterwards saying he knew Dolph was trying to make a name for himself as Dolph Ziggler, but the only thing he'd be known as was "MR. ZIGGLES!" Oh God, not this again. Morrison tried to get the fans to chant "MR. ZIGGLES" but it failed. He said he'd see Ziggler at "the PPV," but didn't specify what PPV that was.
  496.  
  497. They showed clips of the Montreal Screwjob from Sunday, and mentioned Scott Armstrong by name.
  498.  
  499. Josh asked Scott why he did what he did last week. Scott said what had asked of him was something that after 30 years in this business he'd never been asked. But in this life, if you don't own the business you answer to someone who does. He said he answered to someone higher than himself. He said he had a wife and kids, he loved them, they were the reason for his season. He said he was asked to do something he knew was wrong, something that made him sick to his stomach, something he was not proud of. "But I make no excuses. I did what I did to keep my job".
  500.  
  501. Michelle McCool vs. Melina in a non-title match. Michelle wrestled in a huge knee brace and was limping all over the place. She got the heat, but then tried a baseball slide dropkick, ended up outside and wacked her knee on the mats. Melina made her comeback and ran wild, then got the pin with the code red, presumably setting up a title match. This was fine.
  502.  
  503. Teddy Long was freaking out backstage with his security. He ran into Vince, who sent security away. Vince wanted to know where the hell his picture was. Teddy was sputtering and babbling, but then Vince said Teddy had promised a big surprise on Smackdown and at the PPV and he'd delivered on both accounts. "But I've got to ask you, why, what possessed you, why did you double-cross the Undertaker?" Vince said he told him to entertain the people, that's all he said. He said Teddy owed him an explanation for why he did what he did, and it had better be the right answer. "More importantly, I think you owe the WWE Universe an answer." He told him to go to the ring, and he'd be here in the office listening to what he had to say. "Now GIT!," he said. He also said he wouldn't want to be him. "Do you have any idea what Undertaker is going to do to you? Do you have ANY IDEA?".
  504.  
  505. Teddy came out for his promo. He said first off, he wanted to welcome Batista back to Smackdown. He said he came out to make an admission. "I admit that all of this was pre-planned. It was pre-planned to prevent the Undertaker from become the World Heavyweight Champion." Lots of boos. He said he wasn't going to stand out here and say he was proud of what he did, although he was, and he wasn't going to say that he wasn't afraid of Undertaker, because he was. He said he knew Taker was going to show up tonight and that's why he'd surrounded himself with security. He said he wasn't the only one involved in this. "There's the referee Scott Armstrong and the current World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk." He said he knew how he felt about this conspiracy and he wanted to tell everyone the reason he did it. "You see, I've got a family to take care of. Times are tough. And I can't let my family down. I can't afford to let them see me standing in the unemployment line. And let's be honest, I'm just too old to learn to do something new. So Undertaker I would like to apologize for my actions." Lots of boos. He apologized to the fans as well. More boos. "And I especially want to apologize to the Undertaker." This was great. "And one last thing. I hope that the Undertaker can find in his heart to forgive me." People laughed.
  506.  
  507. So Teddy was leaving the building and he got in his limo and told the driver to get moving. Nobody answered. You know what that means. So he said, louder, DRIVER, GET MOVING. No driver. But then the window rolled down and, sure as shit, it was the UNDERTAKER driving the limo. He told Teddy to buckle up. Well, that was nice of him. Then smoke filled the limo and Teddy screamed in terror. If you did not watch this on TV, just imagine this scene in your head. I'll wait. So anyway, whatever you imagined, this was ten times wackier. Hilariously goofy.
  508.  
  509. Punk came out and said he told us so. He said it seemed like he'd been saying this a lot, but, well, he had been. He said he was going to beat Jeff, which he did, he said he was going to send him packing, which he did, and he said he was going to tap out Undertaker, which he also did. He said he'd love to say "I told you so" to Undertaker face-to-face, but Taker conveniently wasn't there. He said he'd address the people instead. He said the people had accused him of preaching to them and that was true, because by God they needed a good preacher. So he started his usual sermon about how the fans were all like Undertaker, folks who gave up, and now they just sat around, popped pills and drank liquor. This was interesting in that, for I think the first time ever in one of his promos, there were loud "BORING!" chants. He flat out said that if you weren't straight-edge like him than that meant he was better than you.
  510.  
  511. Cryme Tyme vs. Hart Dynasty. Solid match. Heels worked over Shad. Tyson was, as usual, the star of the show here. Shad leveled him with a clothesline and made the hot tag to JTG. He ran wild on Tyson and it was great. David broke up a pin and it broke down into a four-way. Actually, a six-way as the girls got involved. In the melee, Tyson hit JTG with a blockbuster for the pin. They were in Canada so this win got a huge pop. Yes, Trish AND the Harts got to win in their hometown. Amazing.
  512.  
  513. Melina walked into Maria's dressing room and there were photos from last week of Michelle in Dolph's arms. You know, when she tried to molest him and Layla was conveniently there to take photos. Melina freaked out and started tearing all the photos off the walls. In walked Maria. She said if Melina thought there was a problem she should have come to her as opposed to putting all of these photos all over. Melina was trying to explain that she hadn't done it but Maria didn't want to hear it. She said she didn't want to be friends anymore. Awwwww.
  514.  
  515. Kane vs. Great Khali. Here's a rematch the world was waiting for. Match went a minute before Kane WAFFLED him with a chairshot outside the ring. He then dragged Khali over to the steps, draped his leg across them, and waffled it repeatedly with the top set of steps. Khali did the stretcher job to the hospital for his knee surgery.
  516.  
  517. Charlie Haas was in the ring for a match with R-Truth. Drew McIntyre then came out and said it appeared R-Truth was involved in an accident backstage and was unable to compete tonight. Therefore, he said, Haas was the winner via forfeit. He shook Haas' hand, but then turned on him and laid him out with his underhook DDT. McIntyre looks like a taller Brian Kendrick.
  518.  
  519. Batista's Nose Ring vs. Chris Jericho. Dave did some stuff early, like his powerslam, then Jericho dropkicked his knee and went to work. This got way less heat than you'd think. Show was shown watching on backstage. Jericho missed the lionsault and walked into the spinebuster. Dave went for the powerbomb but Jericho slipped out and hit an enzuigiri for a nearfall. He tossed Dave into the post and cradled him using the ropes but Dave kicked out. Crowd was getting more and more into Jericho as the match went on. He put on the walls and the first several rows went nuts. Batista powered out. Jericho went for the codebreaker but Dave hurked him up -- without tearing any muscles, thankfully -- and powerbombed him for the pin. Totally fine main event.
  520.  
  521. Josh interviewed Show afterwards. He said Batista got lucky tonight, but if he got into the ring with him next week his luck was going to run out.
  522.  
  523.  
  524. Raw
  525. Cedric the Entertainer showed up with the Bellas and his posse, which in the end included an old woman and a guy with a goat. The "entertainment" part of this segment went way over my head.
  526.  
  527. DX came out and hyped up the Hell in the Cell match, talking about how Shawn had fought and won in the first one ever and Hunter had competed in more than anyone else. They brought up that Ted and Cody hadn't even been in a Hell in the Cell match before and were thus at a major disadvantage. Well, that's great. Hunter vowed that at the PPV they were going to beat the holy hell out of them and this whole thing would end. They didn't even do their catch phrase so I guess they're serious. HHH vs. Cody. Cody had his number early, all over him pummeling him. Hunter gave him a legit shocking amount of offense. Cody slapped Shawn outside, so Shawn went after him. Ted cut him off, dropped him over the announcer's table, then laid him out with a clothesline. Cody flew back into the ring but Hunter cut him off and went for the pedigree. Ted broke it up with a chairshot for the DQ. He gave him a second chairshot afterwards for good measure. This got good heat. Both guys laid him out with their finishers, then posed and celebrated. This was good stuff, although it seemed like a lot on the show two weeks before the PPV. Why not on the go-home show? Hopefully all we get next week is a promo because it'll be tough to follow this one up.
  528.  
  529. Lilian called out Cedric, whom she referred to as, and I quote, the "Charismatic Funnyman". A bunch of guys held up giant letters that spelled out "CEDRIC", and then behind them was a man with a small sign that simply read, "I'm just here for the Divas". He did a comedy routine. The best comedy was when he referred to Cowboy Bob as "Cowboy Bob Thorton". Suddenly Santino's music hit. He said he wanted to become a stand-up comic. A funnyman, so to speak. Cedric said, well, let's do it. He told horrible jokes. "Don't try to do comedy no more," Cedric suggested. Good advice. No one here will heed it. Chavo was out next. Cedric's reaction to all of this was pretty good. He buried Chavo for losing to a leprechaun every week. Chavo said the problem wasn't the midget, the problem was all of these shitty guests hosts putting him in the ring at a severe disadvantage. I thought Chavo said he gave up last week? Cedric made fun of him getting karate chopped by Bob Barker "last week". So Chavo challenged him to a match. Cedric tried to change the subject by plugging his movie (which was a fail) but Chavo insisted on an answer. Santino finally said, "HE ACCEPTS!" So it's on.
  530.  
  531. Josh interviewed Miz about why he stole Miz's belt last week. He said he was a better representative, the reason people watched Raw, and most of all he was an American, and the US Champion should be an American, not a guy who "floated over here on a boat with a Bob Marley CD". Kofi then flew in, hit him from behind, and took his belt back.
  532.  
  533. Miz vs. Evan Bourne. Pretty good match. Miz worked him over and stretched him out, then Evan made a comeback and hit a frankensteiner off the top. Miz's bump was absurd because he needed to make it halfway across the ring. Evan went for the shooting star but Miz moved and immediately hit his finish for the pin.
  534.  
  535. Orton met with Legacy and said he knew those guys were on the cusp of finishing off DX once and for all, so he was giving them the night off and they didn't have to worry about accompanying him to the contract signing. He said, "Come on. It's a contract signing. I can handle this." Famous last words.
  536.  
  537. Cena and Orton came out for the contract signing. Lawler reminded them that for tonight there was a no physicality rule in effect. Lawler said Trish ruled that Orton either signed for Hell in the Cell or waived his right to an automatic rematch. I don't remember that. Anyway, they signed. Orton then cut a promo saying if Cena thought he had his number he was dead wrong. "I am more dangerous than I've ever been." He said he'd do anything to get his title back and Cena had no idea what to expect since of the two of them, only he'd been in Hell in the Cell. He promised that after this match Cena would never be the same again. Cena showed a compilation video of Orton saying "I QUIT!" repeatedly at the PPV. This was interesting. They cut great promos, but that wasn't the strength of this. The strength was that I saw their last match and it was AWESOME and it made me want to see them wrestle again. That amazes me, quite frankly, because a month ago I couldn't have imagined wanting to see them wrestle again. Now, to the people watching at home that didn't see the last PPV, well, I have no idea if this sold a single extra buy. Cena concluded by saying that if Orton didn't win at the PPV there were no more rematches, no more chances, nothing. Orton said he couldn't do anything right now due to the no-physicality order but he had a few friends who didn't mind doing it for him. Out came Show and Jericho. They doubled on him until Mark Henry and MVP made the save. I could not BELIEVE how fast Mark Henry was running. That blew my mind. Place went nuts for the save. Cedric then appeared on the big screen and signed a six-man for later. Orton was awesome looking at Orton wondering why the fuck he was taking orders from this funnyman.
  538.  
  539. Alicia Fox came out to do commentary for the next match. Mickie vs. Beth. This was Mickie's first match back since popping her boob. Beth won in like a minute. They said Alicia distracted her, but it wasn't much of a distraction. So I'd presume a three-way title match, which would be smarter. After the match, Alicia laid out Mickie with THE scariest axe kick I've ever seen. She needs a new move before she kills someone.
  540.  
  541. Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger for the WWE US Title. About a minute in, Miz ran out to steal the belt. Swagger went and laid him out. Then he took the belt and bailed. What a stupid storyline. It was more important for Swagger to steal the belt than to win it? Welcome to Impact.
  542.  
  543. Cedric vs. Chavo with Santino as the special guest referee. Cedric came out with white tights, red trunks, a black t-shirt with his Kings of Comedy crown on it, a black felt hat and a red cape. Then he put on a lucha mask. Crowd chanted "CEDRIC!" Chavo took off his hat, dropped it on the ground and stomped on it. Now Cedric was mad. He went outside and crawled under the ring. Chavo went after him. Of course, the masked man who came out from under the ring was much bigger. Announcers weren't even pretending it was the same guy. He pressed Chavo into the ring, then clotheslined and backdropped him. Nobody cared about any of this. So he slammed Chavo, then went under the ring, and out came another luchador, this one being Hornswaggle in disguise. He splashed Chavo, then went back underneath the ring. The real Cedric returned and got the pin. This was goofy and wasted too much time.
  544.  
  545. Cedrick was backstage hitting on Kelly when Jericho walked in. Well, it worked for Jeremy Piven. Jericho said he needed to talk to Cedric but Jericho blew him off. So Show came up and said they needed to talk. Now Cedric was listening.
  546.  
  547. Lawler stood up and said it was Lilian's last night tonight. They let her do a speech about how wonderful the last ten years had been. She was in tears and this was a heartbreaker. I was so happy they didn't bury her.
  548.  
  549. After commercial, the heels were in the ring for the six-man. Jericho did a promo saying they'd made a deal with Cedric. He said if they lost tonight, next week Orton had to face MVP, Henry and Cena in a Gauntlet match. Orton flipped out. Show told him to calm down, saying the other half of the deal was that if they won Cena would have to face the three of them in a Gauntlet match next week. Show & Jericho & Cena vs. Cena & MVP & Henry. They worked over Cena for a bit, then MVP got the hot tag and ran wild. He hit the ballin elbow, but Show cut him off and they went to work. Henry hadn't tagged in a single time. They teased the tag forever and the place was stomping their feet so hard that the hard camera was shaking. Henry finally got it and ran wild. Broke down into a six way. People went nuts. Henry went for a world's strongest slam on Orton but Jericho clipped his knee from behind and then Orton hit the RKO for the pin. Fun main event setting up an angle for next week. Good stuff.
  550.  
  551.  
  552. F4W Online Extras~!
  553.  
  554. 9-14-09 ROH With Bryan’s Friend Craig
  555. Mike Hogewood and Dave Prazak open up the show with a big announcement. Prazak said one of the founding fathers of ROH had signed a deal with World Wrestling Entertainment. They went on to wish Bryan Danielson the best of luck in his future endeavors and to make sure that you checked out rohwrestling.com to see when and where Danielson will wrestle one last time.
  556.  
  557. The Dark City Fight Club vs. The Young Bucks. The Bucks got the upper hand early and started working over the arm of Cory Chavis. At one point Matt Jackson even did a moonsault onto Cory’s extended arm. Chavis quickly got the heat back by single-handedly double-shoulder blocking both the Bucks and tagging in Davis. DCFC then hit a modified Hart attack on Matt for a great nearfall. DCFC beat on Matt for a while working mostly on his back. Matt was thrown into the turnbuckle, but he jumped to the top rope instead and then flipped over Jonathan Davis and turned the flip into a stunner. Looked way cooler than I can describe! Matt was able to make the hot tag to Nick, who ran wild on both of the DCFC. Nick dropkicked Chavis off the apron while Matt came in to spear Davis. The Bucks then hit Davis with a springboard splash/standing moonsault combo, but Chavis broke up the pin attempt. As the ref was getting Matt out of the ring Davis turned Nick inside-out with a spear and both DCFC killed him with a TKO. Matt made the save with a double footstomp. From out of nowhere Nick hit a superkick on Chavis and the Bucks went for their finisher, but Davis crotched Nick and Matt dropkicked Davis off the apron. Chavis picked up Matt and gave him a side slam as Chavis was getting up. Nick flew off the top rope and pinned Chavis with a super sunset flip.
  558.  
  559. Prince Nana was in the ring with Ernie Osiris and Sal Rinauro. Nana said that for weeks he had been promising a manslaughter. He buried the fans in the arena and at home. The fans started pelting the ring with trash. Nana introduced the manslaughter Bison Smith as Rinauro shook in his boots. Bison kicked Sal in the gut and Sal slapped him, Bison responded by hitting a buckle bomb and then a huge chokeslam, but he pulled up Sal at the two-count. He pressed Sal and tossed him into the turnbuckles. Sal fell outside and Bison tossed him into the crowd. Bison then shoulder blocked Sal over the barricade and into the fifth row of chairs. Bison tossed Sal back in the ring and covered him by stepping on his chest for the pin. Nana again hit the ring and called out another addition to The Embassy, Joey Ryan. Nana then said if anyone had the guts to face Joey Ryan to get to the ring now. Colt Cabana hit the ring and tossed Ryan outside. This upset Ryan, so he charged Colt, who side-stepped and Ryan crashed outside again. Nana regrouped the Embassy and Ryan got back in the ring to officially start the match. Colt outwrestled Ryan and embarrassed him on each spot until Nana tripped up Colt and Ryan took over with a sweet-looking dropkick. Ryan worked over Colt’s arm until Colt fired back with punches and a Dusty elbow. Colt then hit the big splash in the corner, but Ryan nailed him with a superkick before Colt could hit his finisher. Ryan set Cabana on the top rope and went for his finisher called the mustache ride, which is a top rope neckbreaker. Colt held on as Ryan splatted on the mat. Colt jumped down and put Ryan in the reverse crab and Ryan, in his debut, tapped out in the center of the ring.
  560.  
  561. Nigel McGuiness was shown sitting ringside with a microphone. Nigel said the view from ringside was very different than the view from inside the ring. He buried the fans and said that it looked like a zoo from where he was sitting. And he was sitting by the biggest backwoods yokel you have ever seen! Nigel continued by saying that he could not understand why any wrestler would destroy themselves for the fans' amusement. He said that he was done caring. He said he does not care about you -- and he would point to a fan, and then he pointed to the yokel sitting next to him and said and I really do not care about you. He then said in fact, I doubt your mother cares about you! This was great! Nigel continued by asking, who is in control, the wrestlers or the fans? He again addressed the yokel, saying "I know you are not in control. By the smell of it you are barely in control of your bodily functions." Nigel then left in disgust, but not before blaming all the fans for his injuries and saying that the next time he gets in the ring it might be the last time. FIVE STAR PROMO~!
  562.  
  563. El Generico & Kevin Steen vs. The Briscoes. Generico quickly took control after a series of great armdrags on Mark. Jay took over on Generico and Steen was quickly tagged in. Prazak was discussing the battles the two teams have had including a match with a stipulation that they could not even talk about anymore. Steen ended up DDTing Jay and Steen and Generico went to work on him. Jay cut off Generico with a reverse uranage into the second turnbuckle and made the tag to Mark. Mark ran wild, dropping Generico on his head with a spinebuster. They went to a big dive spot with each team member in the ring diving onto their opponents. Back in the ring Generico hit a michinoku driver II on Mark for a nearfall. Generico ate a superkick. Both men tagged out. Steen and Jay brawled in the center of the ring and Jay got the upper hand and beat Steen down in the corner. Jay facewashed Steen, but from out of nowhere Generico hit Jay with a yakuza kick. Mark hit the ring and took out Generico with an exploder and just then Steen killed Jay with a stiff powerbomb! All four men down in the ring. Steen hit a codebreaker and then went for a swanton bomb, but Jay got his knees up. Generico was tagged in. He backdropped Jay outside, but he turned around and ate a diamond cutter form Mark. The camera cut to another view in time to see Jay hitting Steen with a DVD on the edge of the ring apron! That looked like it sucked. Jay quickly got back in the ring to hit a powerbomb/neckbreaker combo on Generico for another great nearfall. The Briscoes hoisted up Generico for the doomsday device, but Steen pulled Jay down and Generico rolled up Mark. Mark kicked out so Steen CRUSHED him in the corner with a cannonball. Generico went coast to coast with a kick and as they were going for the package piledriver, the American Wolves hit the ring. Both teams quickly got rid of the Wolves and Steen was pissed! He cut a promo on the Wolves saying that this had gone on long enough and as much fun as it was fighting the Briscoes, he now wanted the American Wolves. He promised the Briscoes a rematch but for right now he wanted the Wolves in LADDER WAR II. S September 26th in New York City, American Wolves vs. Steen & El Generico Ladder War II.
  564.  
  565.  
  566. Bryan's Friend Vince's DVD Review and Karaoke Showcase~!
  567.  
  568. WCW WrestleWar 1991
  569. Freebirds vs. Doom. Birds came out with DDP and a couple of Diamond Dolls, and Michael Hayes strutted all the way down the long, long entrance ramp. What a great man. Page cut a promo, announcing that he had too much on his plate, and so he needed an assistant: Big Daddy Dink. So Oliver Humperdink came down the ramp in a leather jacket and do-rag with some very, very low-rate Diamond Dolls. “What a sight that is,” Ross deadpanned. Because really, what Michael Hayes needed was TWO managers. Page and the Dolls left, leaving Dink the only person in the Freebirds’ corner. I never noticed this before, but Hayes would take these big goofy exaggerated first steps whenever he was Irish whipped. It never stopped being funny. Ron Simmons powerslammed each Freebird, and they rolled to the floor for a confab. Both teams were heels, but they got the crowd chanting “FREEBIRDS SUCK!” Butch Reed press slammed Hayes and went for one on Jimmy Garvin, but Hayes punched him in the mouth and Garvin fell on top. I figured that was the heat, but no, Reed muscled Garvin up for a backbreaker and they kept wrestling. Then they cut Garvin off and worked him over on the floor while Hayes took the ref. Garvin hit Reed with a DDT out of nowhere and they teased a hot tag, but Simmons cut him off. He hit a spinebuster and powerslam for nearfalls. As Dink took the ref, Doom tried to use an “international object,” but Garvin ducked and Reed hit Simmons. Garvin fell on top for the pin and the titles. I believe this was the occasion where they lost the titles a few days before they even won them, but I’m not going back to check. Match was pretty clunky. Reed and Teddy Long turned on Simmons and worked him over with the gimmick.
  570.  
  571. Ross and Dusty had a 12-year-old kid from Philadelphia there who had won a sweepstakes. Ross asked him who his favorite team in the WarGames was. “Doom,” the young man replied. Sucks to be that kid. Ross noted that it sucked to be this kid (he did not use these words) and sent him on his way. They showed clips of Flair and his cohorts attacking Brian Pillman on Saturday night and announced that Arn Anderson was out of WarGames, and his place was being taken by Larry Zbyszko.
  572.  
  573. There was a WarGames match. Would you like to know who was in it? Me too, but nobody told me. They lowered the big cage to pyro and dramatic 8-bit music. Tony Schiavonie explained the rules, complete with a full screen of graphics, explaining said rules in the most complicated manner possible. At least this confirmed it would be eight men, two teams of four. That’s weak. Team 1, which came out to Roman gladiator fanfare, was Sid Vicious, Barry Windham, Zbyszko, and WCW champ Ric Flair. Team B was Brian Pillman, Sting and the Steiners. So there you go. Windham got into the ring for the Horsemen. As the babyfaces were discussing who would start, Pillman, his arm and shoulder heavily taped, charged in and the match was on. He unloaded on Windham, grabbing the cage a couple of times for a dropkick and a rana. Windham went into the cage a few times. He got the cheese grater treatment and gigged. Pillman worked him over a for a bit, then let him go long enough that he could stick his bleeding face into the camera and scream. Pillman took seriously the entire opening five-minute period, hitting a top rope clothesline. Windham was left a cowering, bleeding, whimpering mess in the corner. Complete destruction. Horsemen won the coin toss, which was quite merciful at this point. Flair ran in to make the save. He naturally ended up selling for Pillman until Windham recovered and they overwhelmed him. They went right after his shoulder, repeatedly ramming it into the cage. Flair went over to taunt Sting through the cage. They threw Pillman from one ring to the other, and he took a scary tumble over the ropes. Schiavonie was AWESOME announcing the time every 30 seconds, his pitch rising with every announcement. Sting came n and ran wild on both Horsemen. He had his cool USA-themed gear. Babyfaces pretty much ran wild for the entire period. Sting hit the Stinger splash on Flair and was about to hook the Scorpion when Zbyszko entered the fray. He tossed Sting into the other ring, but Sting just came back diving over the ropes with a tope to take him out. Poor Windham was caught in a Pillman figure-four the entire time. Eventually the numbers game went into effect and the Horsemen took over. These two-minute intervals were FLYING by. I suspect chicanery. Rick Steiner was in next. He killed everyone. He ground Flair’s face into the cage and Flair gigged. Vicious was finally the last men in for the Horsemen. He was the unstoppable monster, taking out each babyface by himself one at a time. Steiner started no-selling cage shots. That annoyed me. Until the Horsemen rammed his head into Pillman’s. See, that made sense, they used Rick’s head against his own teammates. Scott entered the cage and the Match Beyond was underway. He ran wild with double clotheslines and a tiger driver. Rick and Sid loudly called a spot in the corner. It culminated with Rick reversing Sid, who ate a top rope clothesline from Scott. In the other ring, Sting hit the Stinger splash on Flair and hooked a scorpion, but Zbyszko broke it up. Meanwhile, Sid started attacking Pillman’s shoulder with hammerlock slams. Oh God, I just remembered the finish to this match. Pillman made a comeback and all four faces put all four heels in figure-fours. Arn Anderson was at ringside having a conniption fit. Sting pressed Flair up into the cage a few times. Rick – Rick Steiner – tried to do a flip bump off a Sid clothesline and landed on his head. Bet that sucked. Windham, who you’ll recall started this match, recovered, and he and Sid incapacitated the Steiners. Flair took care of Sting, and then they tried to quadruple-team the injured Pillman. DICK MOVE!!! Babyfaces eventually saved and Pillman and Flair had a big chop battle in the corner. Sid hit Pillman with a flapjack, pressing his back into the cage and dropping him onto the mat. All eight guys were in one ring, but everyone cleared out so Pillman and Sid could do the finish. So then Sid grabbed Pillman and went for a powerbomb, but apparently forgot that the cage had a roof. Pillman’s feet hit the roof, and even though Sid couldn’t turn him over, he dropped him down with great force on his head and neck. That was fucking SAVAGE. And then, I have no idea what was going through his mind, but Sid picked up Pillman's limp body and hit a second powerbomb. So yeah, he was done. El Gigante came sprinting down the ramp and tore the door off the cage. He checked on Pillman, then submitted for him. Jesus, that was brutal. Just brutal. Match was pretty awesome up to that point, and kinda saved what had been a pretty useless show until the main event.
  574.  
  575.  
  576. ~~~~
  577.  
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  580. SEPT. 15 FIGURE FOUR WEEKLY: HARDY DRUG BUST DETAILS, BREAKING POINT, KERRY BROWN BIO, HOGAN TOUR
  581. BY OBSERVER STAFF | STAFF@WRESTLINGOBSERVER.COM | @WONF4W
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  583.  
  584. To order a PDF version of this issue or a print subscription to Figure Four Weekly, please click here
  585.  
  586. Just 15 days after his final match in WWE was taped, Jeff Hardy was arrested at his home near Cameron, N.C., and charged with felony trafficking in opium; two counts of felony possession with intent to sell or deliver a Schedule III controlled substance; felony maintaining a dwelling to keep controlled substance; felony possession of cocaine; and misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia.
  587.  
  588. The Moore County Sheriff’s Office announced in a news release that a joint investigation conducted by officers from the Moore County Sheriff’s Office Narcotics Unit, Moore County Sheriff’s Office Select Enforcement Unit, and Fayetteville Police Department led to the arrest. Apparently a tip was phoned in, leading to the 10:30 a.m. raid. Hardy's fiancée was home at the time but not arrested or charged with any crime. Officers located and seized approximately 262 Vicodin prescription pills; 180 Soma prescription pills; 555 milliliters of anabolic steroids; a residual amount of powder cocaine; and items of drug paraphernalia. The Vicodin and steroids (the exact type of steroid(s) were not named) are Schedule III controlled substances, although the somas are not. The estimated street value of the drugs was listed as $2,500.
  589.  
  590. Hardy, 32, was placed in the Moore County Detention Center and the $125,000 bail was posted by his "brother," according to police.
  591.  
  592. "For the record, Matt didn't bail me out, loan me money, or is his name on anything," Hardy claimed that afternoon on his Twitter. "He's just learning about today's situation. The media is the media. I wish they would at least report the story correctly and accurately. I will make a statement later."
  593.  
  594. Earlier he'd written, "A lot of exaggerations are out there today, don't believe everything you read for it is not true, I am at home and fine. Thanks for your concern." No further statement was ever made, and most likely if a good lawyer had gotten to him in advance he wouldn't have made any statements whatsoever. If Hardy is charged to the maximum extent of the law, he could be facing "a substantial prison sentence."
  595.  
  596. "He has a couple of problems," North Carolina attorney Christopher Welch said. "First, North Carolina law allows a defendant to be accused of trafficking in opiates based on EITHER the weight of the contraband found or the number of dosage units. Most prescription painkillers are in the opiate family, including Vicodin. I suspect that our legislature intended the State to use the dosage unit measure when dealing with pills, but since you can weigh the ENTIRE TABLET to establish drug weight, in Mr. Hardy's case he would be charged with Trafficking in Opium based on whatever 262 tablets weighs, even though the active opiate ingredient is but a tiny portion of a whole pill's weight.
  597.  
  598. "The reason this is significant is that our Trafficking statutes have three levels of possible punishment which are divided by the amount of drugs involved. Since you can move into higher (and more serious) levels based on either weight or dosage units, Mr. Hardy would likely be charged with Level 3 Trafficking, the most serious. N.C. law gives mandatory prison sentences for trafficking offenses, with the amount of time involved depending on what level of Trafficking the defendant is actually convicted of. Level 3 would mean no fewer than 225 months in prison and potentially close to 300 months!
  599.  
  600. "The question here is going to be what can be done to reduce his exposure. I have never practiced in Moore County, so I don't know what their particular policies would be regarding this type of offense. But one possibility would be a plea deal where he pleads to Trafficking at a lower level, meaning less prison time. If his legal counsel is able to get the charges dropped from Trafficking to some sort of less serious narcotics charge, then jail would be less certain."
  601.  
  602. Another reader who will not be named wrote in with this take: "With all this Hardy talk today I want to tell you my story, which is similar. I live in Boston , and in 2004 I was arrested with 59 1/2 Oxycontin 80 milligram pills, which is equal to 16 Percocets or Vicodins (the Watson 387, and Perc 54 543, the standard ones that you see often). I was an addict, I was 23 years old, and I was charged with trafficking, I had never been arrested before in my life. The reason it's trafficking is because the 59 pills I had (which were selling for $70 to $80 a piece at the time) weighed out to more than 14.2 grams. So if I got caught with 51 pills it would be intent to distribute, 52 pills trafficking, because that's what makes it weigh the 14.2, which is insane because who cares about weight, when the potency is what's important. I was set up and ended up taking the fall for some kid who ratted me out. I was indicted to Superior Court. I was an addict supporting a habit -- at that point I was sniffing easily 10 to 15 Oxycontin 80s a day. I was certainly not a drug trafficker. I took a plea deal, and because I took the plea they lowered the charges to possession with intent instead of the trafficking which is a mandatory minimum sentence of 3 to 8 years. Which means the judge has no discretion; if you're found guilty you get the mondo sentence. I ended up with a 2 ½-year split sentence, which means I had to serve 18 months and I had a year's suspended with two years of probation.
  603.  
  604. "So what I think is, no question about it, Jeff was set up by someone, definitely ratted on. And there is no way the trafficking charge will stick with the pills, because why does a main eventer need to sell a pill (the Vic's) for $5? The somas aren't worth shit on the street (at least up here). I didn't hear how much coke he had. I don't know how it works down there in the boondocks where he lives, but if he was in Massachusetts (which is a Commonwealth, and very strict) and the charges he had now were legit, I can't see him doing more than a year, at the max, and to be honest he's probably going to get probation, drug tests, and a suspended sentence. Either way I hope shit works out for him, because I'm sure he's heavily addicted to opiates and it is nearly impossible to quit. Only 5 percent of people who get sober from opiates stay clean."
  605.  
  606. Chief Deputy Neil Godfrey of the Moore County Sheriff's Office said the case remained under investigation and further charges could be filed. An arrest report was expected to be released Monday, but didn't arrive in time for our press deadline.
  607.  
  608. Other questions that will be raised include whether Hardy had prescriptions for the drugs in question, and if so, whether that would help him plead Trafficking to a lower level. For example, if he had a prescription for Vicodin, perhaps for 120 or 180 tablets, could they base the Trafficking charge on the weight of the remaining 82 or 142 pills? Perhaps he was overprescribed by his doctor, in which the blame would not necessarily fall squarely on his shoulders for the amount he had in his house. Also, because we don't know what steroids were seized, we don't know if they were prescribed by his doctor as well.
  609.  
  610. Hardy has told friends in the last few days that he thinks this entire situation is overblown and he is confident he'll not only end up OK, but not look all that bad when all is said and done.
  611.  
  612. Bob Trobich, however, who happens to be an attorney for the NWA, was adamant that the Trafficking charge was not going to be lowered. "Minimum for trafficking in opium is 70 months," he said. "The only factor for trafficking in N.C. is quantity -- there does not need to be any other evidence of intent to sell. If there are at least 4 grams, he's nailed."
  613.  
  614. The cocaine obviously was not prescribed, but the fact that they listed "residual powder" as having been found obviously means he wasn't housing a large stash. The possession of drug paraphernalia would be considered a misdemeanor offense.
  615.  
  616. WWE, amazingly, made reference to his arrest on the PPV Sunday night, with CM Punk essentially saying he was right all along and that you'd never see his mugshot online like Hardy's. This indicates that WWE is super upset and, at least as of this week, putting him on the dreaded "no call" list. His DVD project, which the company had been shooting footage for as recently as last week, and which was scheduled to come out around Christmas time, has officially been canceled. And while there were always questions about whether, if he returned months down the road, he'd have his previous two Wellness violations erased or return with two strikes already on his record, I think it's crystal-clear now that they couldn't possibly bring him back without keeping his strike record intact.
  617.  
  618. The arrest also brings up questions about the Wellness policy. A poll on our website had 46.9 percent voting "I don't have faith in it and believe it's purely a cosmetic policy," 45.7 percent voting "I believe it's legit but people have learned how to beat the system," and 7.5 percent voting "I believe the policy is legit and it all took place in the last two weeks." For the record I believe it's legitimate for the most part, but also am not naïve enough to believe that certain people aren't getting around the testing in one form or another, or that perhaps many of the most well-paid superstars are using substances that cannot be tested for like Human Growth Hormone. I do believe that the undercard roster and even the main eventers by percentage are probably cleaner now than they have been in years.
  619.  
  620. Regarding the cocaine residue found, depending on the drug test most users would pass a test a maximum of eight days after ingestion. Some would metabolize the drug much quicker, so essentially if Jeff had been using the drug on Tuesday nights after the Smackdown tapings, while cutting it close he'd probably have been clean by the following Tuesday, so even if he was legitimately tested every single week he could potentially have still beaten the tests.
  621.  
  622. As it regards the steroids, there are two possibilities. I would say that based on his appearance in his last few months it was unlikely he was taking anything, but everyone's body is different and there are guys in WWE and MMA who have failed steroid tests that you'd never have thought in a million years were anything but clean. Perhaps he was taking something and being tipped off as to when the testing would be. There is also the possibility that he got the steroids, either off the street or through his doctor, and was using them after his final WWE match to attempt to heal his body. He is racked with injuries, including herniated discs in his neck and restless leg syndrome. One wrestler told me that his doctor told him that Deca would help him with his back injury, but that he could not prescribe the steroid to him. He said as a doctor, if the wrestler could get the steroid on his own he would provide him with clean needles and show him how to use the drug in as safe a manner as possible. The steroids Hardy had may have been intended for a legitimate medical use, but fell under the umbrella of steroids not allowed under the Wellness policy, and so Hardy bought them after his WWE deal was done to heal up.
  623.  
  624. Several wrestlers stuck up for Hardy on their Twitters in the days following his arrest. Hardy is super popular amongst all the wrestlers.
  625.  
  626. "Jeff Hardy is one of the best guys I've EVER known," said the former Mr. Kennedy. "Cares more about his family and his fans than any other celebrity I know.
  627. EVERYBODY makes mistakes. Some people make them more than once, but they're still human. Please keep your thoughts and prayers with him!"
  628.  
  629. "It's been a long, stressful day for me," wrote Matt Hardy. "But everything will be OK, guaranteed. Like Public Enemy said, 'Don't Believe The Hype!'" Later, he wrote, "Thanks for the support on Smackdown tonight -- I know I'm not 100% yet, but I promise you I'll get there. And remember, innocent until proven guilty."
  630.  
  631. "Don't think of judging Jeff Hardy until you've walked a mile in his shoes," wrote Chris Jericho. "I will always have Jeff's back."
  632.  
  633. The arrest got very little mainstream publicity outside wrestling sites. TMZ did a brief story and Fox Sports picked it up as well. Fox referred to him as a former WWE and "TNT" wrestler.
  634.  
  635.  
  636. Breaking Point
  637. The WWE's latest gimmick themed PPV, Breaking Point, where the top matches were either I Quit or submission bouts, was a success largely based on the Randy Orton vs. John Cena WWE Title match.
  638.  
  639. Cena won the title with a handcuff-assisted choke submission in one of his career-best matches. The match was wonderful because it was so simple that the two guys could have put it together backstage in about thirty seconds, then gone out there and told an awesome story just through their work. Orton was just about the most tremendous heel ever and put on a performance where you could argue he's perhaps the best in the world at what he does. Sometimes he is a little too slow and methodical and it borders on being boring, but on this night he was phenomenal, wrestling a match where every single move -- every single movement, in fact -- meant something. It was a fantastic performance, and Cena held up his end spectacularly as well as the guy taking the beating of a lifetime but refusing to quit. The finish was also great in that Orton tapped out almost but not quite immediately upon being put in the submission. He held on just long enough to not kill the WWE Title, but submitted fast enough where your first thought was, "God, what a pussy." In the end, it was a match I would watch again in a heartbeat, and that's super praise because going in I had zero desire to ever see another match between the two, and if you'd told me they'd have a match so good I'd want to rewatch it over and over I'd have thought you were crazy.
  640.  
  641. The show was also good in that they put over Legacy clean in the match with DX, with Cody and Ted both putting a submission hold on Shawn Michaels and forcing him to tap as Hunter, injured, was struggling to make his way to the ring. They really put over on Raw what a monumental win this was, and while DX will almost certainly get their win back at Hell in the Cell, having them beat Michaels clean really did help elevate them, as opposed to many of the matches we've seen in the past where guys have lost to lower-level guys but didn't come close to actually putting them over.
  642.  
  643. The show aired from Montreal, so really, everyone should have seen the finish of the main event coming. CM Punk retained the title against Undertaker with the old Montreal screwjob, orchestrated by Teddy Long, who has apparently turned heel. It didn't mean a goddamn thing in 2009, not that anyone could have possibly expected it to going in. They had booked themselves into a corner in the sense that they weren't going to have Undertaker submit, but at the same time it turned out to not be the right time to put Undertaker over for the title. That was the original plan, but Undertaker is still hurting bad and moving very slow, plus Punk has gained tons of momentum. That could all come to a screeching halt at Hell in the Cell, but at least Punk retained for another three weeks.
  644.  
  645. The rest of the show was a mix of decent to good matches, and one that sucked a horse's cock. You can't win them all.
  646.  
  647. Show opened with an "arty" video package where it looked like the screen was broken. I wonder how many people called their cable companies and told them the picture looked like shit.
  648.  
  649. 1. Jericho & Big Show vs. Mark Henry & MVP. Very first spot was awesome. MVP was going to throw a flashy kick before the lock-up. Jericho went to lock-up and didn't know this. The kick was so close to Jericho that I think it missed his nose by inches, or maybe even brushed against it. Jericho immediately left the ring and MVP couldn't keep a straight face. They worked together a bit early, then Henry and Show tagged in. This should suck. Amazingly, we suddenly got a "LET'S GO BIG SHOW~!" chant. I was wrong about it sucking. It wasn't great, but Big Show went for a Stinger splash and Henry CAUGHT HIM IN MIDAIR and threw him into the buckle. Later, he picked Show up in SOS position and just held him there until Jericho clipped his leg and Show fell on top of him for the heat. Henry, I should note, had "WSM" on the back of his outfit, which was designed to match that of MVPs, and boy could I come up with a bunch of ideas for what else WSM could stand for. Jericho and MVP got hot tags. Show got a blind tag and speared MVP to death for a second heat. Henry got a big pop for the tag and ran wild with clotheslines and such. Henry needs to showcase his strength more because it's legit and that would separate him from all the other big guys who can't move. Plus, you could build entire matches around him just being strong. He did it more than usual here. Jericho went for something and Henry hoisted him up, and the look on Jericho's face was awesome. Henry tossed him, and as the ref checked Jericho, Show snuck in and punched him right in the face. Jericho crawled over and got the pin. Better than your average Raw match, but not a blow-away match or anything. (**1/2)
  650.  
  651. Josh interviewed Legacy about their SUBMISSIONS COUNT ANYWHERE match. He said they weren't submission specialists but there was more than one way to find a man's breaking point. Ted vowed to make DX tap for the first time ever tonight. He said DX was the past and Legacy was the future of WWE. He said they were just like the stupid DX glow sticks, which shone bright for a while, then slowly burned and you lost interest and threw them away.
  652.  
  653. 2. Kofi vs. Miz for the US title. Miz came out and did his usual promo in French and was still booed loudly. Fast-paced, high-energy match early with Kofi running wild. Great spot during the heat where Kofi went for the high cross and Miz booted him right in the face in midair. Crowd started to get bored during the heat and there were various chants. Someone held up a "WE MISS YOU JEFF" sign. They'll be missing him for a while here. Miz hit a DOUBLE SLEDGE that was the most dramatic thing you ever saw. Match kind of fell apart for a bit. Someone forgot something somewhere. Kofi finally fought back with kicks and such. We got the "BOO!" and "YAY!" chants. Kofi hit some wacky move I've never seen for a nearfall. I don't even know how to describe it. Kofi went for his double legdrop and Miz got his knees up. A bunch of roll-ups, then Kofi hit the legdrop for another nearfall. Miz went for the Mizard of Oz but Kofi shoved him off and hit the wacky kick for the pin. Good stuff. (***)
  654.  
  655. 3. Legacy vs. DX in a submissions count anywhere match. DX came out and did their shtick. Place went nuts for Shawn early until they were about to do their shtick, at which point the "YOU SCREWED BRET!" chant started. Hunter stopped his deal and said listen, Montreal, I know there was an incident many years ago that some fans just can't get over, and from the bottom of my heart I just want to say, "It was all his fault. I wasn't even there." I laughed heartily at that one. People booed like crazy when Shawn said, "If you're not down with that!," but then screamed "SUCK IT!" with him. I love wrestling fans. Shawn hit the forearm early and in a very un-WWE-like moment the director missed it. DX went to work on the heels' legs early. They brawled into the crowd and up into the concourse. Shawn tried a guillotine on the guardrail. That didn't work. They put on double figure fours at the concession stand as fans chanted "YOU SCREWED BRET!" Then they sang "OLE!" Back to the stairs, Shawn started to slide down the railing and a fan actually grabbed him to keep him from landing too hard. Hunter slid Cody into a chair and put on a Boston crab, then Shawn sat in the chair and put Cody in a camel clutch. This was the most homoerotic hold I've ever seen. Ted made the save. Cody and Shawn brawled into the crowd while Hunter and Ted remained in the ring. Shawn ended up taking a bump over the railing and landed on a giant crash pad. Hunter went for a pedigree on the stage but Ted broke it up. Ted gave him a backdrop on the metal, then beat Cody backstage. Yes, Hunter was beating up both of Legacy himself. They finally overwhelmed him. Or not. Hunter fought back and put Ted through a concession table. A concession table in an empty area of the arena. Hunter put Cody in the crossface. Cody broke it up with a shot from an empty ice chest. Hunter sold it like he was KO'd, then they hit him with a chair for good measure. Legacy disappeared. "Where did they go?" Lawler asked. They were on the ramp beating up Shawn. Cody gave him a slam and they dragged him to the ring. Fans were clapping for Shawn to come back. Shawn tossed DiBiase outside. Cody tried a rolling leglock but in doing so he kicked Shawn right in the face. That was brutal. Rhodes put him in an ankle lock but Shawn escaped. Shawn tossed DiBiase again and hit the superkick on Cody, but no ref. Shawn put the reverse figure four on him. Fans thought he was going for sharpshooter and booed like crazy. This was going on WAY too long. Shawn cleared the ring again and went for the superkick but Cody tripped him and pulled him crotch-first into the post. Cody put him in the figure four around the post, a favorite move of Bret Hart. This was missed by the crowd. They chanted "HHH!" DiBiase then simultaneously put Shawn in the million dollar dream. Hunter crawled down the ramp but was too late as Shawn tapped out. Great finish, particularly to get the young guys over, but this went a good ten minutes too long. (**3/4)
  656.  
  657. Josh interviewed Orton about tonight. Orton told him to grab a chair and they'd talk. Josh wanted his reaction to Legacy beating DX. Orton said he knew Legacy would win and they won. Josh tried to follow up but Orton told him Josh had asked him if he could ask one question and now he was trying to ask two. "So you're one of those people who says one thing and then does something else." He said Cena was just like that as well. He wanted to know how Cena could be SURE that he couldn't say those words. "He can't be sure." He went on and on about beating and assaulting Cena. He took forever to spit all of this out, and not in a good way. He said tonight Cena said one thing but tonight he was going to make him say something else. "I am going to force him to say the words 'I Quit.'" OK.
  658.  
  659. 4. Kane vs. Khali in a Singapore cane match. They had canes taped to all four corners. Both guys got them and they had the worst sword fight imaginable. Well, the second-worst sword fight imaginable. Kane dropkicked Khali's knees and hit him with the sticks. This was horrible and people were chanting "BORING!" Kane tried to make Khali submit with the stick. This is a SUBMISSION CANE MATCH? Khali got the stick and beat the crap out of him. THIS SUCKS. Place was now going nuts with "BORING!" chants. Kane hit a flying cane shot but Khali kicked out. This was atrocious. Kane set up for the chokeslam but Ranjin broke it up with a caen shot. Kane went to chokeslam him but Khali hit a Khali chop. Tons of boos. Khali went to check on his brother and Kane snapped his neck over the top rope. Kane then hit a chokeslam for the clean pin. Didn't expect that finish. A wretched bout. (-*)
  660.  
  661. Eve interviewed Punk backstage. "Any last-minute thoughts?" she asked. Punk said nobody gave him a chance against "the spooky Undertaker." He said nobody gave him a chance at SummerSlam but he proved everyone wrong. He said he got rid of Jeff for good and just three weeks later Jeff went and did what Punk said he'd been doing for months. "You'll never see my mug shot posted all over the Internet. You'll never read about me all over the headlines, unlike Jeff." He said he lived a clean life and when you did that, good things happened to you. He said the power of a straight edge lifestyle would beat the power of the Undertaker. Suddenly the lights went out and Punk freaked out. It was just Jimmy Wang Yang ribbing him. Yang said he just wanted to wish him luck tonight. Punk shook his hand and then beat the shit out of him. "Like I said, I'm not worried about the Undertaker. The Undertaker should be worried about me!"
  662.  
  663. 5. Christian vs. William Regal for the ECW Title. Ref sent Zeke and Vladimir to the back before the match started. Good mat wrestling early. Christian threw a dropkick and Regal bumped funny and actually landed on him. Crowd chanted "LET'S GO CHRISTIAN!" Regal's mouth got busted open. They were working a stiff style. Regal got the heat with a headbutt off a test of strength and a half-Nelson German. Regal worked him over. Crowd chanted something regarding Regal but I have no idea what it was. Regal hit the Regalplex, dropping Christian right on his head, and that was WAY too dangerous. Just brutal. Christian started firing back with punches and started his comeback. Christian missed a dive off the top and Regal hit a rolling senton for a nearfall. Regal went to work on him in the corner. He went for his knee trembler but Christian dodged it and hit the unprettier for the pin. BOO! Match was great technically but the lack of heat really hurt it. (***1/4)
  664.  
  665. Pat Patterson came out and got a good ovation. He talked about his career and how he was now known as the first WWE Intercontinental Champion. He was about to introduce someone when out came Dolph Ziggler. He buried Dolph, saying he walked all over Montreal and Dolph would never guess who asked about him. "No one." He said if Dolph continued to work hard, someday he could be the IC Champion. Pat went to leave (who was he going to introduce originally and why did he give up?) but Dolph grabbed the mic and started making jokes about how old he was. Nobody cared. He said until Pat came out tonight Dolph thought he was dead. He wanted to know how they could be wasting valuable PPV time on a guy nobody cared about or remember. Based on the reaction this got, Dolph was right. Fans then started chanting "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" This went on and on and on. Dolph finally called him a coward and booted him in the gut. This was designed to get mega heat. It failed. So Dolph went back to kick him again. Morrison made the save. This died.
  666.  
  667. 6. Orton vs. Cena in an I Quit match for the WWE title. It wasn't one minute before they were outside the ring and Orton was bonking him into the table and hitting him with a monitor. Cena blocked it with both hands. Hey, can't fault the guy. Orton tried to get him to submit with a draping guillotine, and when Cena said no Orton DDT'd him. Dueling "LET'S GO CENA!" and "LET'S GO ORTON!" chants. Cena went for the FU but Orton slipped onto the apron and snapped Cena' neck on the ropes. He hit Cena with the steps and stomped on his head on the steps, but Cena wouldn't quit. Orton grabbed a bag from under the ring and brought out handcuffs. He put the key around his neck on a chain, handcuffed Cena to the ropes and went to work. Cena refused to quit. So Orton smacked him with the mic and then undid the cuffs. "Don't know if I understand this here," Lawler said. He handcuffed Cena's hands together and then basically hung him from the ringpost. "I could get out of that," my buddy Vinny said. This caused my buddy Craig to laugh uproariously. More dueling chants. Orton threw water on Cena, telling him he wasn't going to pass out on Orton. The ref asked Cena if he quit and he responded by spitting the water all over Orton. Orton beat him all over with the stick and the slipped on the water and fell on his ass. He finished up with a big shot to the face, but Cena refused to quit. Orton tried to choke him but got kicked in the nuts, allowing Cena to escape. Orton sold it great. Wouldn't be surprised if Cena actually got him because he couldn't block the kick with both hands on Cena's throat. Orton gave him a chairshot and unlocked him. Orton wacked him with a chair and Cena sold it by howling in pain. They were getting the most out of everything here, I'll give them that. Orton finally hit the post on a chairshot attempt and then got backdropped. Cena freed himself. Cena's stomach was all cut up from the cane shots. Cena handcuffed himself to Orton and went to work. He went for the FU but Orton RKO'd him. Orton tried to get the key but was too far away and they played tug-of-war. Cena then gave him a good yank and put on a handcuff-assisted strangle for the pin. They called this an epic battle. Wouldn't go that far but it was a great battle and Orton was monumental here. Just a best-in-the-world level performance, and Cena more than held his own. (****1/4)
  668.  
  669. 7. Punk vs. Undertaker for the World Title. Taker tried to throw him into the corner early but Punk went all the way over the top to the floor. Taker was moving slower than usual here, perhaps to pace himself since I doubt he's in ring shape and I don't know what kind of cardio he can do with the bad hip. Taker missed a boot and went crotch-first into the barricade. Punk went to work on him but was quickly cut off again. He went for old-school but Punk crotched him. Taker actually took a second rope superplex. Nutty. Taker made a big comeback and was MOVING, hitting the ropes for all of his usual spots. He set up for the chokeslam but Punk hit him with a high kick. In the head, I might add, and Taker is a tall, tall man. And then, suddenly, Taker just grabbed him and put him in the gogoplata for the submission. This came completely out of nowhere. What the fuck was that? Good while it lasted I guess. So I was busy trying to figure out what was going on when Teddy came out and said the gogoplata had been banned a long time ago by Vickie Guerrero, and unfortunately for Taker that ban was still in effect. So the match restarted and Taker went for the last ride. Punk slipped behind, clipped his leg and put him in the anaconda vise. The ref suddenly screamed, "RING THE BELL!," ran outside, got the belt, gave it to Punk and ran for his life. Punk bailed to the top of the ramp and stood there with Teddy Long, who put his hands behind his back and looked stoically at Undertaker. They showed several replays. "That was a judgment call at best," Ross said in the best line in years. So then he made sure to go back and alert us that Undertaker had absolutely positively without question not submitted. (*3/4)
  670.  
  671. "Get out of my house," Craig concluded.
  672.  
  673.  
  674. Journeyman Kerry Brown dies at 51
  675. Kerry Brown, the nephew of Bulldog Bob Brown, passed away in his sleep last week at the age of 51. Besides runs in Japan, Puerto Rico and South Africa, he also worked throughout Canada (including in Stampede Wrestling where he won the North American and International Tag Titles), Kansas City and St. Louis from 1979 through January of this year. His cause of death was listed as liver failure.
  676.  
  677. Brown was described as a guy who loved wrestling and could never get it out of his blood but who simultaneously couldn't take it seriously enough to ever became the superstar that a lot of people thought he would be. He was described as a really good worker who loved to party and who liked to do things his own way, which sometimes got him into trouble.
  678.  
  679. "Owen Hart was supposed to start a big angle with Kerry Brown, who was Bulldog Bob Brown's nephew," Mike Shaw told "Whatever happened to --?" in 1998. "Owen wasn't a very big guy at the time. In fact, I think he might still have been a senior in high school. Kerry Brown refused to put him over, so they switched the card on the spot and I ended up wrestling Owen. He was a good heel and a good talker. They had a pretty good deal going where he and another guy the name of Duke Myers were a good tag team. I think Kerry bailed out shortly after that. He ended up getting a little break in Montreal and wrestled there as Rick Valentine for a couple of years. He was a good talent at one time. I don't know what possessed him to not want to deal with Owen. He might have thought he was too young, or whatever, but he just didn't want to do it. It probably cost him over the years in Calgary."
  680.  
  681. "Awesome guy," said Buddy Wayne, who worked with him many times. "Bob Brown yelled at Kerry more then anyone, and would always call him 'Valentine.' Bob and everyone else who was jealous of Kerry's work, and he was great, always spoke of him like he wasted chances and went against authority. He did, and didn't give a fuck. He took a backdrop on the cement floor every night in a row until he was coughing up blood. Bob got Emile Dupree to stop him by threatening him."
  682.  
  683. Kerry's dad was Bob's brother and didn't appear to care for Bob all that much. Kerry helped his father with his roofing and siding business until his father passed away, then went to work for his uncle in a security business.
  684.  
  685. "We were going up thru Manitoba in 1990 for Tony Condello and would have these 24-hour trips to make it to two to three shows," Buddy said. "Leave on Sunday at 2 a.m. to start on Tuesday night. Tony Condello had a big bus we all traveled in, but the trips were slow as we were driving on ice 90 percent of the trip. We'd meet at the bus in the hotel lot, me, Kerry, Scott Norton, and Mike Lozansky, all drunk, and Kerry would have at least an American case of beer for the trip. Bob would be angry from the second he saw Kerry. Then we'd start drinking and it would continue for 24 hours. 'Kerry, you're a fucking drunk.' 'Fuck you Bob, I can still outwork you.' Then Bob would turn on me for following Kerry.
  686.  
  687. "Bob was setting up some guys for a trip to New Zealand that summer. He says, 'Kerry, you two have your pictures?' 'No.' 'Me either, Bob.' 'How in the hell do you expect to get booked without pictures?' Then Bulldog would do the most overdone eye roll ever seen. Kerry grabbed some posters in the back of the bus and a pen, drew a regular size fat guy and a short fat guy, and said, 'Bob, here's me and Buddy's picture.' Bob threw it down, told us to fuck off, turned in the aisle too fast and tripped. I can't tell you half of what I did yesterday but this image is burned in my brain. They argued so much that Baron Von Raschke was the only one who would get between them and they'd stop. They'd get in the ring, Bob got heat, Kerry was the worker who'd bump 20-to-1 with Bob, and they got along for 20 minutes every night."
  688.  
  689. Kerry broke in around 1979 in local Winnipeg promotions, then moved to Kansas City the next year and then back to Calgary. He was best known as a tag team wrestler for Stampede, winning the International Tag Team Titles on numerous occasions, though he also won a number of singles titles and garnered victories over such future stars as Davey Boy Smith, Chris Benoit and Bret Hart. After the Owen incident he found work in Montreal under the name Rick Valentine, teaming with Sailor White, though he continued to work in Stampede as well. In the early 90s he also worked Puerto Rico as Valentine, where he won the WWC Caribbean Tag Titles four times and the WWC World Tag Titles once, teaming with Lance Idol, Eric Embry and Galan Mendoza.
  690.  
  691. "To the best of my recollection I only worked with the man once, in a six-man tag match in Calgary for CNWA," Lance Storm wrote. "The match would have been in the winter or spring of 1991 and was held at Frank Sisson’s Silver Dollar Action Center, in Calgary. Jericho and I were working as the tag team 'Sudden Impact' at the time and were starting to move our way up the CNWA card, and this may have actually been our first main event for the company. We tagged with fellow up and comer Mike Lozanski (who died Dec. 18/03 at the age of 35) to face the heel combo of Chi Chi Cruz, Kerry Brown, and 'Bulldog' Bob Brown (died Feb 5/97 at the age of 58). The match was not a particularly good one, and is most memorable to me for a crossed up spot I did with Chi Chi resulting in me clotheslining him right in the face. I had never worked with any of my opponents before this match and the crossed up spot was right at the beginning of the match, so I figured for sure I was going to get my ass handed to me for the rest of the match. Chi Chi tagged out right after I clotheslined him in the face and tagged in Kerry Brown so I figured Kerry was going to be the one to receipt me. I figured I had it coming so I didn’t tag out and to his credit Kerry didn’t stiff me once and was actually really great to work with the whole night. While I don’t have many memories of working with Kerry those I do are fond ones."
  692.  
  693. Kerry worked in St. Louis for about a year in the early '80s. Larry Matysik said: "Kerry was a nice guy, a budding journeyman at the time. He was Bob Brown's nephew, which worked both for and against him in the Kansas City office. Eventually, I think most of the guys there came to like and trust him -- generally -- but his uncle was a stooge or office, so that hampered Kerry. As a worker, he was an average-low prelim TV guy for St. Louis, though this was early in his career. He was fine for us in his role, and I liked him personally but felt his future was obviously limited in any major market."
  694.  
  695. In later years he worked as an emergency child care supervisor for kids who had been taken from their parents by Child and Family Services. He loved to drink and loved to party and loved to tell people stories about it. Even when he was working smaller Canadian indies in the early part of the 21st century and getting on in years, he was one of those guys who would go out and give it a hundred percent even if it was a small show with nobody in the building.
  696.  
  697. "We were in Brandon, Manitoba, and Bob had a rented van for Ken Patera, Baron, Norton, Adnan, all the guys working for whatever was left of the AWA," Buddy remembered. "We were in our own cars. Bulldog was the 'leader' and left hours way too early, and everyone had had it. He actually drove Baron down to North Dakota for a show trying to get work on a day off. He didn't work. But in Brandon, we were in a hotel room, several of us young guys, and the other had Bob and the older guys who wanted to be left alone. In the midst of pills and pot, Bob walks in, surveys the scene, and making mental notes for his stooge report looks at Norton, and says: 'We're leaving at 4 p.m.' Scott says, 'Fuck Bob, the show's an hour away, we'll be sitting there at 5 p.m.' 'Well if you want a ride, be in the van, I'm the driver.' Norton has been in wrestling six months and has no clue about how to treat veterans. So he says, 'Bend over you old fuck and I'll drive you to the fucking town.' Kerry fell out of a chair, I laughed because of how random it was, and Bob turned around, the door was half shut, and he ran into the door dead on. I know that story was more about Bob, but Kerry was the one always winding him up, which got everyone else going.
  698.  
  699. "Kerry went to Puerto Rico and him and Gerry Morrow called me late one night. He said, 'You have to get here, the money sucks but they have the best coke!' And that was Kerry Brown. He was like everyone else who had problems in life but loved his kids more then ever. He'd be driving 80 mph across snow and ice in the middle of the night, loaded on pills, and talking about the kids. When the match started, he was the man. Great guy to everyone who knew Kerry."
  700.  
  701. His funeral was scheduled for Wednesday, the day after we went to press, at Winnipeg's Thompson Funeral Home, Broadway at Furby, at 2 p.m.
  702.  
  703.  
  704. In House Notes
  705. The number next to your name on the address label indicates which issue your Figure Four Weekly subscription expires with. Thus, if you have a [743] next to your name, this is the final issue of your current subscription.
  706.  
  707. Very special thanks to the following people for their help over the years in producing Figure Four Weekly: Gladys "Granny" Gibson, Dave Meltzer, Tony Leder, Alex Marvez, Zach Arnold, Colin Vassallo, Kris Zellner, Manuel Gonzalez, Craig Proper, Vincent Verhei, Keith Lipinski, Robert Bihari, The Cubs Fan, Kyle Wolf, Devin Cutting, Shawn Garrett, Bob Barnett, Mike Lano, Adam Lebow, Mike Sempervive, Adam Summers, Mike Coughlin, Karl Stern, Steve "Dr. Lucha~!" Sims, Mike K, Forrest Lynn. Thanks also to everyone who sent in news over the past week.
  708.  
  709. Worldwide renewal rates due to rising postage costs are $100 per one-year subscription (52 issues), $55 per six-month subscription (26 issues), $30 per three-month subscription (12 issues), and $12 per one month subscription.
  710.  
  711. To order through the mail, send a check, money order or cash payable to Figure Four Weekly to PO BOX 426, Woodinville, WA 98072. To order with a credit card, send your Visa or Master Card order with your name, address, phone number, Visa or Master Card number, expiration date AND CVR number (three-digit security code on the back of the card) to figure4@ix.netcom.com, or you can order by faxing that information to 530-730-2920. You can also subscribe via paypal at www.paypal.com using the tonyleder@yahoo.com address, or subscribe via credit card by mail. Please include all the information listed above, particularly the CVR security code that many people forget.
  712.  
  713.  
  714. Industry Notes
  715.  
  716. WWE
  717. The new TLC-themed PPV, which takes place December 13th from San Antonio, at least at this point will not feature all TLC main events. I'm told the idea as of this week is that there will be one TLC match, and then perhaps a tables match and a ladder match. That way if they end up with main eventers like HHH and Cena who would be best served not doing a TLC match together they can put them in a much safer tables match where they only have to go through one table at the finish. With Michaels living in San Antonio I would expect him to work the ladder match, or perhaps they can find a way to work him into the main event picture and he can do a TLC with someone.
  718.  
  719. In a funny note, the Ticketmaster Web site lists it as "TLC: Tables, Latter & Chairs".
  720.  
  721. WWE Royal Rumble was moved from January 24, 2010, to January 31 after they discovered that the original dates was running head-to-head with the NFC and AFC championship games. So now it's only running head-to-head with the Pro Bowl (lower-rated). The Phillips Arena Web site, in acknowledging the change, said it was being done due to a "scheduling conflict".
  722.  
  723. John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler was dropped from Breaking Point at the last minute (literally a few days before the show) due to a timing issue. I would guess the reason they cut this and not, say, Kane vs. Khali, is that at least they can get Kane and Khali over with and it wasn't taking up that much time, and it would suck to have to cut time off a Morrison vs. Ziggler match that is probably going to be a hundred times better. Plus, the idea is probably to put the title on Ziggler and perhaps they didn't want to flip-flop the title again so quickly. Rey doesn't return until October 2nd, and the Hell in the Cell PPV is October 4th, so they wouldn't have time to get him on TV in a rematch with Morrison before that show either. They could also put Rey in the match on that PPV and make it a three-way.
  724.  
  725. Lilian was one of the original plans for the week that Sgt. Slaughter got the guest host role.
  726.  
  727. WWE has a new magazine out called The Untold History of the WWE. It's a timeline of events in WWE history starting in 1982 when Vince bought Capital Wrestling. Chapters including the 80s Boom (82-85), Dawn of WrestleMania (85-90), New Generation (90-96) (I guess New Generation is better than the Scandal Era, although the idea that the New Generation started in 1990 is fucking hilarious), Attitude Era (96-01), Postwar Era (01-05) and Modern Era (05-Present). They do interviews with Vince at the beginning of each section and at one point he's asked about Chris Benoit, and whether the time will come when they can acknowledge him as part of WWE history. Vince said: "It's not right to pretend he didn't exist. It's one thing to include him as part of a historical perspective, which I believe is OK, and it's another thing to promote him, which is not OK. The situation is very similar to that of O.J. Simpson -- despite his controversy, O.J. was still a part of the NFL scene. You can't deny that he existed".
  728.  
  729. ECW this week had 26:36 of wrestling as compared to TNA, which had 31:51. That's pretty close when you consider one show was an entire hour longer than the other. ECW's time was helped by the fact that there was no Abraham Washington Show to kill time.
  730.  
  731. For those keeping track, Undertaker has tapped out at least once in WWE. On the July 4, 2002, episode of Smackdown he went to a draw in a match with Kurt Angle in a match for Taker's Undisputed title. The finish saw Taker go for the powerbomb but Angle put him in a triangle choke. Angle's shoulders were down and the ref counted three, but right as he hit three Taker tapped out. Fans had absolutely no idea what was going on and even chanted "BULLSHIT!" They had three refs come out to decide who was the winner. First guy said Angle was pinned. Second guy said Taker. Third ref broke the cardinal rule of UFC judging by not picking a winner and calling it a draw. They ended up booking Taker vs. Angle vs. Rock in a three-way for the next PPV, which Rock won setting up his title loss to Brock at SummerSlam that year.
  732.  
  733. Regarding Show vs. Khali, one WWE source said, "Everything you've heard and wrote up in the newsletter is pretty much all there is to it. There was some heat over Khali using some of Show's giant 'highspots' and a bit of a communication breakdown and then the hottest/clumsiest hot mess to occur in a long time on a WWE house show went down. The finish was great -- Show used the classic clumsy oaf finish of tripping over a crate and bag and BOOM he went. A lot of the crew were first and foremost in complete disbelief of this battle and then not sure how to intervene. The respect of the Undertaker is what iced this ugly mess, which is good because the agents and refs sure as shit weren't going to do much of consequence to deal with this. Now, where's the damn cell-cam footage? You KNOW someone snapped something".
  734.  
  735. Dan Masigilia wrote in regarding HHH and Shawn Michaels submitting, in response to Michael Cole claiming they'd never done so before: "Both have. Triple H tapped to Chris Benoit in the main event of Wrestlemania XX, and the next month at Backlash Shawn Michaels tapped out to the sharpshooter applied by Benoit. Michaels also tapped to Angle's ankle lock at Wrestlemania 21. Also, in their first ever ppv singles match, Bret Hart submitted HBK with the sharpshooter at Survivor Series in 1992." I actually remember the latter, as Shawn came off the top with a dropkick and Bret caught his legs and immediately put him in the sharpshooter for the win. There was also a Raw in 1997 where Ken Shamrock made HHH tap, then when Shawn ran in afterwards Shamrock tapped him out after the bell as well. So that would even eliminate the claim that they'd never tapped as DX.
  736.  
  737. Raw did a 3.8 rating this week off hours of 3.79 and 3.86. First hour did 5,399,000 viewers and the second did 5,564,000. Show skewed 66 percent male with a median age of 40. That median age has been inching upwards in recent weeks for some reason.
  738.  
  739. ECW did a 1.0.
  740.  
  741. Smackdown this week did a 2.0 rating.
  742.  
  743. Superstars did an 0.8 the last two weeks in a row.
  744.  
  745. Mickie James popped a breast implant and is out of action. This was a funny one because we heard the boob rumor for a while and nobody could confirm it, then we started getting confirmation which involved people saying they'd heard it from someone else, who had likely heard it from someone else who didn't know if it was true. By the weekend it was pretty much felt the story was true. It wouldn't be the first time someone popped a breast implant in WWE as Chyna did as well at one point.
  746.  
  747. Kelly had an MRI done on her bad knee, but no word on results.
  748.  
  749. Angela Fong, the new backstage interviewer in WWE, was a Diva Search contestant in 2007 but didn't even make the final eight. She's been in developmental since February 2008 and was a former B.C. Lions Feline Dance Team cheerleader.
  750.  
  751. Ed Kaufman, former Executive VP, General Counsel and Secretary for WWE, was hired to the same position in THQ.
  752.  
  753. Ted DiBiase's sister (Ted Jr.'s aunt) passed away this week.
  754.  
  755. Kurt Nicolai wrote in regarding Price is Right: "I just wanted to share I was also an avid watcher of this legendary program, at least summer vacation and sick days. I distinctly remember an episode where Johnny Olsen announced, 'Come on down!' I did not catch the name, but down the aisle came this HUGE, bald, mustache and bearded man. He gets to the podium, and lo and behold, it's FREAKING OX BAKER, the master of the heart punch! I had seen him on the local L.A. wrestling on Channel 52, otherwise I would have gave a crap who it was. I somewhat remember Ox getting on stage to win, but falling victim to the Wheel. This would have been between '77 and 82." Best we can tell it took place in February of 1981.
  756.  
  757. Big Dick Johnson is back on the Raw roster so apparently he'll be getting more TV time.
  758.  
  759. Heard Kofi and Miz stole the show with their match at the house show in Ottawa on Sunday. Our correspondent also wrote, and how weird this was to read, "TONS of Hardy and Mysterio fans in attendance, by the way".
  760.  
  761. WWE announced that starting in October they would no longer censor the blood on WWEClassics.com by graying out the screen. Apparently there were tons of complaints. They did add that swearing and middle fingers would not be permitted. Can't they just do what they did with A.J. Pierzynski on Monday and just edit in commentary telling viewers that Stone Cold is showing fans his ring?.
  762.  
  763. Evan Bourne beat Chavo Guerrero with help from the midget in the Breaking Point dark match.
  764.  
  765. WWE released Fletcher Chase, Troy Jackman, Aiden Frost and Kris Logan this week. All were developmental talents and Garrison had worked in OVW prior to starting. Frost had been under developmental before, released, then went to a training camp at FCW and got signed again. After this release he put on his Myspace that he was officially retiring from sports entertainment. Another guy's love of the business killed by getting into it. Nice to see all the guys get chances on the big stage, unless of course there is more to the story that hasn't come out yet.
  766.  
  767.  
  768. UFC
  769. Randy Couture vs. Brandon Vera is official for UFC 105 in Manchester, saving a show that until Monday had no main event. I guess it's OK because Randy is in there and he's always going to be popular, but Vera bored the ever-loving hell out of me in his last match with Krzysztof Soszynski, and him beating Randy is death for Randy's drawing power. Randy beating Vera means literally nothing for his career. It's kind of a lose-lose situation but they had nothing left for a main event and had to sign something. It'll also be interesting because the rumors are that Couture is being paid $1.5 million flat per fight, and this is a Spike special and not a PPV so they won't have nearly the revenue coming in to offset the costs.
  770.  
  771. UFC 103 this weekend from the American Airlines Arena in Dallas Texas is official with Mirko Crocop vs. Junior Dos Santos (2-0 in UFC with neither fight going more than 80 seconds), Martin Kampmann vs. Paul Daley (UFC debut), Josh Koscheck vs. Frank Trigg (first fight back since 2005 and doing his cameos as Kurt Angle's twin in TNA), Tyson Griffin vs. Hermes Franca, Efrain Escudero (TUF 8 winner) vs. Cole Miller, Drew McFedries vs. Tomasz Drwal, Jim Miller (beat Mac Danzig in his last fight) vs. Steve Lopez (UFC debut, national qualifying college wrestler, 12-1 record), Nik Lentz (debuting, University of Minnesota wrestler who is one semester away from graduating) vs. Rafaello Oliveira (BJJ black belt, three-fight win streak), Rick Story vs. Brian Foster, Eliot Marshall vs. Jazon Brilz, Vladimir Matyushenko (seriously, first UFC fight in six years, 9-1 in his last ten fights) vs. Igor Pokrajac (Crocop protégé, on an eight-fight win streak), and Rob Emerson vs. Rafael dos Anjos.
  772.  
  773. Apparently the Countdown to UFC 103 show, which debuted the day we went to press, is the best since UFC 100. Randy is all over the show being credited with saving the careers of both Vitor Belfort (who looks jakked) and Frank Trigg. They also have the footage of the Matt Lindland and Terry Martin knockouts, so they got footage from Affliction when it went down as well.
  774.  
  775. UFC 106 is official for November 21 at the Mandalay Bay with Brock Lesnar and Shane Carwin officially headlining. Tickets go on sale Saturday, September 19th, though Fight Club members could conceivably snatch them all up two days earlier in the presale.
  776.  
  777. The traditional "year-end show," as expected, will be taking place on January 2nd at the MGM Grand in Vegas. The previous weekend would have required the show to take place on December 26th. Because Christmas is now pretty much a one-month holiday and most guys can't wait to get it over with by the time the 25th rolls around, I think a PPV on the 26th would actually do really good business. Problem is that it would require Christmas Day weigh-ins and that's not happening.
  778.  
  779. Jon Madsen of the next season of TUF wrestled Brock Lesnar way back in high school. Lesnar, two yeas older, beat him. He said after the match he looked over and he saw Lesnar and his (Madsen's) brother jawjacking, and Lesnar shoved his brother. Madsen came to his aid by taking his headgear and throwing it at Brock, and all hell nearly broke loose before it was broken up.
  780.  
  781. To "prove" that he was really hurt and not avoiding a steroid test as many fans accused him of doing last week, Sean Sherk released his medicals to Sherdog showing that he did, in fact, have a grade 2 AC (shoulder) separation. Guy digs himself deeper each time he does something like this, because it just calls more and more attention to the situation. I'm not saying this is what happened, but every fighter will tell you that they are always hurting and they've always got some sort of injury that they could have rested up. In other words, Sherk could have been injured all along, planned on fighting through it, but then opted for surgery as an excuse to skip out on a steroid test. What's funny is I'd never even have brought this up if Sherk had just moved on, but instead he had to bring it right back to the forefront again.
  782.  
  783. Everyone at UFC 102 tested clean for drugs of abuse and steroids. The state athletic commission only tested six guys: Chris Leben, Aaron Simpson, Todd Duffee, Evan Dunham, Randy Couture and Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira.
  784.  
  785. UFC signed a deal with FIVE in the UK, which is basically a network deal equivalent to getting on CBS in the U.S. In other words, huge. They will be airing PPVs for free 10 days after they air live (not every show, about six per year), featuring the main event and whatever else they can squeeze into one hour. First show features a recap of UFC 102 with Nogueira and Couture headlining. It doesn't have the best time slot (midnight), but there should be 3 to 4 million people watching TV at that time and the show should do pretty decent numbers. If the show does well it might encourage networks in the U.S. to negotiate more strongly with UFC. And, of course, if it flops that won't help. FIVE also announced a few days later that their sister channel, FIVE USA (cable and satellite), would be airing Ultimate Fighter. It'll air on Saturday, three days after the US version airs.
  786.  
  787. Diego Sanchez signed a new eight-fight deal with UFC. His next fight will be a championship match against BJ Penn on December 12th, which at this point is still taking place in Memphis even though they lost Memphis' own Quinton Jackson to the A-Team.
  788.  
  789. Still no word on when they'll be able to put together Quinton vs. Rashad except that it will be "early in the new year." As noted elsewhere, the best idea would be to take all the footage they have from TUF, do some re-editing, and stretch this season out to 16 weeks instead of 12 and hope that Jackson is ready to go shortly after that. Jon Madsen in his interview with MMA Junkie said the crew told him there was so much good stuff and drama that they had thought of extending it an episode or two. I'd extend that baby as far as I could, though it should be noted that Matt Serra suffered an injury that killed off the Serra/Hughes match following their awesome season of the show, and when they finally fought over a year later the people were still dying to see it. Maybe not as much as they would have been had it taken place on time (in fact, that's certainly true), but it wasn't like all interest had been killed. Speaking of Memphis, Kenny Florian vs. Clay Guida is expected to be signed for that show.
  790.  
  791.  
  792. TNA
  793. TNA did an 0.9 this week, down from last week's 0.95 (we reported 1.0 but that was rounded up). Show did an 0.67 in males 18 to 49, an 0.50 in persons 18 to 49, an 0.64 in males 18 to 34, and 1.3 million viewers. Quarters were 0.88, 0.93, 0.97, 0.96, 0.95, 0.92, 0.87, and 0.92. Those are some shitty numbers. Part of the problem is that they went up against the Steelers vs. Titans football game that ended up doing 20.9 million viewers, the biggest sports event since the Super Bowl.
  794.  
  795. Jenna Morasca did an interview with the Sun talking about her release from TNA. She said they told her it was money-related but she didn't believe that since they were looking to sign other girls (were those girls being offered the exorbitant money she was allegedly paid? Doubtful, but who knows), and said she finally got it out of them that the real reason was that "my storyline had come to an end." She said her boyfriend, Ethan Zohn, had cancer, and she had to miss out on a taping to be there while he underwent surgery, and even though she alerted them in advance they pretty much immediately fired her. She said she went to the company to prove herself but felt she was "used as a gimmick, and when that was over they discarded me." I'm sure Jenna is a wonderful girl, but no shit. Welcome to wrestling. Why in God's name would a wrestling company hire a girl off Survivor EXCEPT as a short-term gimmick? She said when she signed it was never in the cards to do a match, and when they asked if to do one with only "a couple months notice" she was really concerned about making a mockery of the sport. Well, rightfully so, in hindsight. She said she wanted to avoid the match because her concern was that once it was over they'd kill the storyline and discard her. She said they assured her that wasn't the case, but clearly they were lying. The problem with her story is that she WON that match, so if the intentions going in were to do the match as a way to write her out of storylines, why didn't Sharmell win? Plus, she appeared on TV AFTER that match took place, so clearly the match wasn't designed to write her out of the storyline. Obviously there is more to this story, and say what you will about TNA but I'd be stunned if they fired someone for missing a date with advance warning because they were tending to their boyfriend who had cancer. It's possible, I guess, but I find it hard to believe.
  796.  
  797.  
  798. International MMA
  799. Lionsgate will be distributing Stephen Soderbergh's Knockout, which is the new film that will be starring Gina Carano. The movie was described by Variety as "a spy thriller in the vein of La Femme Nikita," a show that should sound familiar to wrestling fans throughout the '90s. Production begins in January so I cannot see her fighting until at least mid-2010 at the earliest, because she's not risking roughing up her face before it starts and it's probably a three-month shoot with another three months required for her camp if she goes immediately into it. And I would guess that after a three-month movie shoot her first desire will not be to immediately start fighting. Plus she'll eventually have to go on the interview circuit to publicize it and they may not want her doing that with a fucked up face, so it could be 2011 or later before she steps foot back into the cage.
  800.  
  801. KRON Channel 4 in San Jose did a deal Sunday night gushing over Ana Julaton winning the women's boxing title at the San Jose Arena and actually said she was the "first female to headline the HP Pavilion." She's local so I can understand them going nuts over her, but still, the first woman to headline the Pavilion?.
  802.  
  803. Dave "Pee Wee" Herman, who Don Frye claimed got his nickname because he had a small penis, knocked Frye out in 60 seconds in the main event of Saturday's Internet-only Shark Fights PPV show from the Amarillo Civic Center. Herman, 25, formerly of EliteXC and now with Bellator, stopped a takedown and then fired away with shots, ending the confrontation quickly and decisively. He is now 15-1, his only loss being to Choi Mu Bae at January's Sengoku show. This was Frye's third loss in the last four fights so it may be time to start calling it a career. Herman was quite a bit taller but only a few pounds heavier at 239.25 to Frye's 235.25.
  804.  
  805. Billy Evangelista vs. Jorge Gurgel headlines the November 6th Strikeforce Challengers show at the Save Mart Center in Fresno, Calif.
  806.  
  807. Fighters Only Magazine's World MMA Awards will stream live on Versus.com on December 30th and then air on the channel sometime in early 2010.
  808.  
  809. Paul Buentello got his release from Strikeforce and is trying to get back into UFC. Scott Coker said they'd offered him six figures to fight Fedor but he'd turned it down, and then wished him "best of luck in his future endeavors." I love that line. Buentello has one fight left on his old Affliction deal and said UFC would honor it, and that after that they were looking to extend his deal. Buentello told Sherdog, "I've never been one to get involved in the politics of the sport. I have made as little as $1 to fight the UFC champion and been paid as much as six figures to fight an up-and-coming fighter. I'm not insulted at being regarded as a journeyman fighter either since I started my career as one. Training in my garage with no training partners, I started off with a handful of losses. I always wondered what I could do given the chance to train full time, and through a lot of sacrifices and sponsors that took a shot on me, I'm happy with the result. I've lost two times in six years with those losses coming to champions. Am I a gatekeeper or a journeyman? Well, if I'm a gatekeeper, any organization I compete in is going to have a thin heavyweight division. I've never claimed to be the best in the sport. But to say I turned down Fedor because of his skill level is a slap in the face." For the record, UFC never paid him $1 for a fight. Apparently there was a fight in the USWF with Dan Severn, a former UFC Champion, and Buentello was paid a dollar for it. Someone saw him coming.
  810.  
  811. Cris Cyborg (132) and Urijah Faber (145) will both be competing in the Abu Dhabi World Submission Championships on September 26th and 27th in Barcelona.
  812.  
  813. Dream 11 on October 6th has Joachim Hansen vs. Shinya Aoki for the DREAM lightweight title; JZ Cavalcante vs. Daisuke Nakamura; Bibiano Fernanders vs. Joe Warren in a featherweight grand prix semifinal; Hiroyuki Takaya vs. Hideo Tokoro in another semifinal; the finals on the same night; Kazuyuki Miyata vs. Daiki Hata in a reserve bout; Hong Man Choi vs. Ikuhisa Minowa in a Super Hulk semifinal; and Bob Sapp vs. Sokoudjou in a Super Hulk semifinal. Sapp lost to Ikuhisa Minowa in 75 seconds in the opening round of the tourney, but the Gegard Mousasi, who was supposed to face Sokoudjou, got hurt doing the sparring match with Fedor Emelianenko and Sapp got put back in to take his place. Welcome to Japan.
  814.  
  815. Saw the craziest interview by Arial Helwani with Bob Arum regarding boxing and UFC. Arum was just out of his mind talking about how all MMA fans were tattoo'd skinheads and that the sport consisted of guys "rolling around like homosexuals" on the ground. He really said this. Then he went on and on about how he liked the Fertittas, and UFC was giving boxing great ideas that they could learn from, but that the business numbers were crazy and that UFC did less than 1 million buys. It was really quite the deal. GLAAD got wind of it and has asked him to make a swift and sincere apology for his anti-gay remarks. I wouldn't hold my breath.
  816.  
  817.  
  818. International Wrestling
  819. A Hulkamania National Tour of Australia was announced this week with dates in Melbourne at the Rod Laver Arena on November 21st, Perth in the SuperDome on November 24th, Brisbane on the 26th at the Entertainment Centre, and Sydney on the 28th at the Acer Arena. No matches of any sort have been announced. According to those close to the Australian wrestling scene, there is a ton of skepticism about the tour in that they are running a few arenas that are larger than places WWE would be a lock to sell out, plus the press release was issued late and the Web site isn't even completed yet. The release itself is a comedic work of art, claiming Hogan drew 96,000 to the Pontiac Silverdome (they're even inflating the already-familiar lie), a sentence that reads "Hulkamania will also i some of the top stars that compete all over the world," a usage of the fascinating term "pyro techniques display," and a sentence that reads, in its entirety, "From his early beginnings as a young wrestler training under the Tutoledge of the famed Hiro Matsuda who intentionally broke Hulk Hogan’s leg on his first day of training just to test his desire." Eric Bischoff is involved in helping promote this thing. He and Hogan had talked of starting a new promotion together for years. One source, in looking at the arenas, also mentioned that TNA was insane to be trying to run buildings that big for their 2010 tour, and noted that the local promoter was ruthless and wouldn't hesitate to pull the shows if ticket sales were low. Hogan, as part of the promotion, will also be working with the National Rugby league doing a series of commercials leading to the finals. Hogan and Bischoff will also be appearing on The Footy Show next week.
  820.  
  821. John Graziano, now 24, has been moved home to live with his mother Debra, who will have to provide 24-hour care. John's father Edward Graziano is still in jail on charges he conspired to have his wife killed in a staged car accident. He was busted when he tried to pay off a hitman who turned out to be an undercover officer. Graziano has improved to the point where he can make slight facial movements and sounds, but still often stares straight ahead when his mother talks to him. "A lot of people think brain trauma is like a soap opera. Like, just one day he wakes up," his brother Michael Graziano said. "He's pretty much at step one. There are a lot of baby steps from here".
  822.  
  823. Hogan is selling his Belleair estate (17,000 square feet) for $13.9 million and his Clearwater Beach home (3,400 square feet) for $2.3 million. The Bellaire house was appraised at $7.2 million so he's trying to get nearly double that. The best part of the story is that he's a new pitch man for a company that helps people contest property tax bills when they think their home has been appraised high. You cannot make this stuff up. All of this is being done due to the divorce settlement. Well, the sales, not Hogan being Hogan. Maybe his mind just automatically inflates numbers, so when he's told the property is worth $7.2 million he cannot help but claim almost double that.
  824.  
  825. Hogan also filed suit against the Washington-based law firm of Zuckerman Spaeder this week, claiming he spent more than $1 million in unnecessary legal fees to defend himself in the ongoing John Graziano lawsuit. He and Nick both have new attorneys. Hogan claims he was charged at rates of up to $550 per hour, was provided with paralegals and still charged full lawyers' rates, and, worst of all, was never told that he could have been provided a free attorney to defend the civil case (who, he stated, was better than the lawyers he paid for).
  826.  
  827. Whip It!, a new film about Roller Derby directed by Drew Barrymore (her debut), will be released in theatres on October 2nd. Ellen Page stars as a girl name Bliss who is constantly pushed to enter beauty pageants by her mother and ends up joining a derby league instead. Shauna Cross wrote the screenplay based on her 2007 book.
  828.  
  829. ROH taped TV on Thursday and Friday this week. Not sure how attendance was but they were doing a deal where they were giving away freebies to many people who e-mailed in. Tyler Black was there but hasn't fully recovered from his neck surgery so he only did appearances on TV and didn't wrestle. He did do an angle with Austin Aries on the second show where Aries threw a fireball into his face. I guess his neck was well enough to sell that. Main event on the first show was Kenny King beating Eddie Kingston with help from Chris Hero. Second show had a Young Bucks vs. Briscoes match go to a no-contest when Dark City Fight Club ran in. Surprised that wasn't a main event. Main for the show was Colt Cabana beating Nigel McGuinness in one of his final matches for the company. They did the Tyler/Austin angle on the third show, which was headlined by American Wolves beating Bryan Danielson & Roderick Strong. First show Friday saw Wolves beat Bucks (and isn't that what always happens when that confrontation occurs?) in what was said to be an awesome match, better than the one at the DGUSA PPV. Nigel did his farewell appearance and people said it was similar to when Shane Douglas left ECW for WWF (tremendous heat, the exact opposite of the reaction Danielson got later in the tapings). TV main was Aries beating Cabana. Show three was headlined by Strong beating Danielson. The send-off for Bryan, unlike for Nigel, was such that people were comparing it to an indy version of Ric Flair's Raw retirement show.
  830.  
  831. Former WWE and WCW wrestler Sean O'Haire was arrested last week and charged with battery and criminal trespassing. The criminal complaint claimed he grabbed his girlfriend in a chokehold at her home in Savannah, Ga., and called her a bitch and a whore. She told police she didn't know why it happened but that it had happened before. He was released on $4,600 bond. It made TMZ.com but didn't really get headlines elsewhere. This is not his first arrest. He was arrested for assault in 1992, arrested and found guilty of assaulting a woman at a nightclub two years earlier in 2006, and been arrested after a fight in Hilton Head in 2007. He was also married in 2005 and divorced a year and a half later. O'Haire, who is working as a bodyguard now, did MMA from 2004 through 2007 and had a 3-2 record, his biggest win being a quick victory via violent overwhelming (not how it's listed but that's what it was) over Shungo Oyama at Rumble on the Rock 6. He's probably done several fights on much smaller shows that aren't listed on his record as well. He also once lost to Butterbean via TKO in an MMA fight in 29 seconds.
  832.  
  833. Bret Hart's oldest daughter Jade is pregnant, so Bret will soon become a grandfather.
  834.  
  835. Regarding the second Dragon Gate USA taping, we're told that overall the first show was stronger, but Danielson vs. Doi and especially Richards vs. Shingo were better than anything on the first show, with Richards' match being a strong match of the year contender. One fan said that you know it's a good show when match three is Match of the Year and then match five is the new Match of the Year. Apparently the reaction to Richards turning heel on Danielson was awesome. Dragon Kid vs. Yoshino was better than the Philly match, and the Chikara match was probably the weakest (either that or CIMA vs. Brian Kendrick) on the show because Jigsaw did suffer a knee injury during it and Mike Quackenbush came back too early from back surgery and will probably have to undergo another procedure on it later this year.
  836.  
  837. Matt Birk of the Baltimore Ravens, Lofa Tatupu of the Seattle Seahawks and Sean Morey of the Arizona Cardinals have all agreed to donate their brains to Chris Nowinki's Sports Legacy Institute after their deaths.
  838.  
  839.  
  840. TV Reviews
  841.  
  842. ECW
  843. Pirate Paul vs. Hurricane. They're asking the question of whether Hurricane and Gregory Helms are the same guy, or if, perhaps, like the Bellas they are TWINS. They should have suggested a CLONE, my greatest gimmick idea ever. Burchill escaped a wacky lucha submission and hit a big Saito suplex for the heat. They did a great job getting the people into the match. I did like the claim that Burchill's kneebrace was part of his ring attire so he could use it as a weapon. How fucking stupid is that? Why didn't the Road Warriors leave their spikes on then? Why not wear an outfit with a hump on it so no one can pin your shoulders to the mat? Hurricane didn't look nearly as tired as he looked last time. They went up top and Burchill cut him off and gave him a huge top rope powerslam. Hurricane hit a "hurricane-rana," which is a diving huracanrana for a nearfall. Katie jumped up on the apron, but Hurricane ran them together and hit the final cut for the pin.
  844.  
  845. The newest backstage girl, "Savannah," A.K.A. Angela Fong, interviewed Tommy and Christian. What the hell happened to the old girl Courtney Taylor (how the fuck did I remember her name?) that was there for like two weeks? Jesus these people. Anyway, Christian and Tommy ran down Regal, Kozlov and Zeke. Tag match tonight, Regal vs. Christian at the PPV, which should rule if they get more than 8 seconds.
  846.  
  847. Shelton & Sheamus vs. YOSHI TATSU~! & Goldust. I thought Shelton turned babyface? Goldust and Shelton worked AWESOME together early, and it was all SO basic. Heels cut off Yoshi and the crowd died. Who wants to see Yoshi beaten on? Goldust got the hot tag and was great again. It's a tragedy they don't take the paint off him and put him in Legacy at some point. Yes, I wrote that, he's been great of late. Shelton got the pin after a blind tag, which pissed off Sheamus. He clobbered Shelton, but Shelton swept his legs and they had a pretty great brawl. This was a really good segment believe it or not. People were even chanting "SHELTON!".
  848.  
  849. Rory Fargo vs. Woo Woo Guy. Fargo actually looked quite fabulous with the long blonde bleached hair. No one cared at all about this match. Camera work was also wretched. Ryder won clean with the Zack attack. Yippee.
  850.  
  851. Tyler Reks was flirting with Stephanie backstage. Up walked Regal and his crew. Tiffany said this was not the time or place. Every time she speaks I howl with laughter. Regal wanted to know how she could allow Dreamer and Christian to attack these two gentlemen with weapons last week. She said she might have reacted differently if they hadn't been brutally attacked from behind by Regal's men in previous weeks. "What's fair is fair," she said. The look of abject horror and shock on Regal's face was incredible. Regal is the best ever. He said Zeke and Vladimir were going to kill them here in a minute and then on Sunday he was going to win the ECW title.
  852.  
  853. Christian & Dreamer vs. Ezekiel & Kozlov. Christian worked this like the oldest old-school men vs. monsters match-up. It was great. They ran wild on the heels early, very carefully and slowly so that nothing would be fucked up, then the heels worked over Dreamer for a while. Zeke did a lot of roaring. Dreamer managed to do a diving tag where somehow he never left his feet. It was awesome. Christian ran wild but got cut off. Kozlov hit him with his headbutt but Christian kicked out. Then they worked him over. Yes, someone had the bright idea to have Dreamer make a hot tag. Loud "LET'S GO CHRISTIAN!" chants. Zeke put him in a hold that looked very lewd. Dreamer got the hot tag and ran wild. He hit a frog splash on Zeke but Vladimir broke it up with a boot RIGHT to the face. That had to suck. In the ring, Regal tripped up Dreamer and Zeke hit him with the uranage for the pin. Show ended with Regal put Dreamer in the stretch and then shaking his finger at the fallen Christian outside. If they don't put the belt on him then there is no justice.
  854.  
  855.  
  856. Impact
  857. Show opened with action going on in the ring. It was a Team 3-D vs. British Invasion vs. Booker & Steiner vs. Beer Money in gauntlet match. They said TNA management was so worried about these guys fighting backstage that they started the match before the TV began. First off, that was their solution as opposed to, you know, trying to control their talent. And second off, if the reason they started it early was because the guys couldn't wait to fight, why did they put them in a GAUNTLET MATCH where the very idea of the match requires men to wait backstage until it's their turn to come out? Last two in were Booker T and James Storm. On the bright side, the match was fun. It was first pin or submission rules. Dudleys hit the 3-D on Steiner. Booker broke up the pin, but then Brutus Magnus stole the pin. Kurt, backstage, flipped his lid. You see, the Mafia and the Invasion had been working together. I guess. I don't know. Nor do I know why Angle would give a shit that his team lost a match with nothing on the line.
  858.  
  859. After commercial, Angle was backstage yelling and screaming and carrying on. Eric Young ran up and now he was screaming. Angle called him a rookie and told him to get out of his face. So everyone hates each other again.
  860.  
  861. Angle came down and called out Morgan for one last conversation. Angle cut a promo basically calling him an immature greenhorn, but he would learn in time and he was right on the cusp of getting into the Main Event Mafia. Morgan said let me guess, there is only one more thing I have to do, right? Kurt said yes indeed! Out came AJ Styles and Sting in his Real Estate Steve get-up. Sting basically coached Morgan on how to cut a good promo. This was hilarious. Sting told him that if he thought he needed the Mafia to succeed in this business he was a fool. "They need you, you don't need them!" Angle told Sting to shut up. He told AJ that Sting was using him, that he didn't want to pass the torch to him, he wanted to burn him with it. He said Sting was an old wrestler and all old wrestlers wanted their chance in the sun. He said unlike Sting, he would tell the world his intentions, and his intentions were to retain the title. AJ winked at Morgan. Morgan said wow, they're right, Kurt, you are using me to get what you want! Kurt swore it wasn't like that. Morgan said no, it was exactly like that. He said if Kurt wanted to use him so damn bad, why wait until the PPV, why not do it tonight? He begged to be in Angle's corner tonight against AJ and Daniels so Kurt could use him like he was going to at the PPV. I guess Kurt is going to consider this. What a fucking fool. Or Morgan is sincere again and he's a fucking fool. Either way, there is a fuck fool around.
  862.  
  863. Lauren showed Earl Hebner footage of Eric Young disguised as Homicide beating up Sting, then asked Earl why he DQ'd Hernandez when it was clear it wasn't his partner that did the attack. Confused yet? "Who in the hell are you to ask me that?" he asked. "Nothing's ever clear in that ring," he said. He then began stuttering. He concluded "TRUST NOBODY!" As usual, no idea what's going on.
  864.  
  865. Foley's kids were playing on the couch backstage. He's got another match with Nash next week for the Legend's Title. He said he was looking forward to it. Dr. Stevie walked in. Foley said I remember you, you're Stevie Richards. Stevie was appalled, saying he was a doctor now. Foley signed him to a match with Abyss. Stevie claimed he wasn't a wrestler anymore, he was a doctor. So was that another man who wrestled all those matches as Dr. Stevie? Anyway, Foley forced him to do the match and collect his own bounty. The same people who wrote last week's show wrote this one?.
  866.  
  867. Alyssa Flash & Daffney vs. Taylor Wilde & Sarita. The babyfaces did an entrance that involved clapping hands, spinning around, jumping in the air and bonking asses together. During the match Tazz called our attention to something huge covered in a red tarp. He said we'd find out what it was later. Hopefully the Gobbledy Gooker. Match was OK but a clusterfuck at points when Daffney was in there. It also kind of fell apart when Sarita made her hot tag. Bodies were everywhere, and not in a good way even with these bodies, and Sarita pinned Alyssa with a belly-to-belly suplex. Taylor & Sarita face Kong & Saed next week, so no Saed vs. Alyssa.
  868.  
  869. Eric Young cut a promo with World Elite backstage. Friendly tip to Vince Russo: STOP SCRIPTING EVERY SINGLE PERSON TO SAY, "YOU SEE" IN EVERY SINGLE PROMO. Driving me batty.
  870.  
  871. Lauren interviewed Suicide. Yes, Suicide. She said, "Since his arrival in TNA The Pope D'Angelo Dinero has made it a point to hustle you. Why do you think the street preacher has cited you as his mark?" I swear to God that was word for word. Suicide in a deep scary voice talked about living and dying on streets and being a threat to his church and a dark savior and cleansing of the wicked and CHRIST THIS SUCKED.
  872.  
  873. Machine Guns came out and unveiled what was under the red tarp -- their own commentary booth. OK, better than the Gobbledy Gooker. Jay Lethal vs. The Pope. Machine Guns made all sorts of jokes and cackled at each other. Lethal took a shitty bump right onto his head and neck for the heat. He made a big comeback and they traded nearfalls, then the Pope hit the double flying knees to the back for the clean pin. Good match, almost WWE style in how it was put together.
  874.  
  875. Angle was still screaming at Eric backstage. He said they'd made an agreement, a pact, and if they stuck together they could rule TNA for years to come. "Lookit," Eric began. He said it was regrettable what happened but they weren't going to apologize. "Lookit," he said again, we all need to do what we need to do, but let's still stick together and be a team. "Come on, Kurt, brother." So Kurt shook his hand. What a meeting. As they were leaving, Steiner spit on the ground and said that's what he thought of FOREIGNERS.
  876.  
  877. Beautiful People vs. Madison Rayne & her mystery partner, Roxxi, who has started growing her hair out again. They worked over Madison for a while. Velvet was comically bad today. Not horrible, but she managed to be not all that good and wildly entertaining at the same time. Roxxi got the hot tag and ran wild. It fell apart, and somewhere in here Angelina pinned Madison with a handful of tights. Was she legal? I mean, the legal participant? Don't know. Don't care. Sad to see Angelina going.
  878.  
  879. Cody Deaner said he wanted a tune-up match against a girl tonight. He said if Foley OK'd this he'd bring the ratings. He wanted an MMA match and Foley said OK. This will either be awesome or horrible. Maybe a little of both.
  880.  
  881. Foley came out to do commentary for the next match. Stevie vs. Abyss. Abyss crushed him in the corner and then hit the black hole slam for the pin. That was fast. Nash then hit the ring and destroyed Abyss with Stevie's help. Foley made the save.
  882.  
  883. Eric Young came out to cut one of his now-famous Go Away Heat promos. This comes across as a group paying for time to advertise something nobody would ever want to buy. They were trying to recruit Hernandez again. The best part of this was them cutting to the Machine Guns at their table and they were playing video games and not paying attention. Awesome. I haven't played a video game since eighth grade but these segments make me want to take them up again. You know, I like Scott D'Amore and he's a good matchmaker, and maybe he has nothing to do with this, but as soon as he came back we got another stable led by a Canadian that makes me want to boycott the show every time they're on TV. Anyway, Hernandez didn't come out, Hector Guerrero did. He did his Eddy Guerrero impersonation. Hector said we're not from America, but we're Americans. Actually, Hector is from America and Hernandez's dad was in the US Army, per TNA's own TV. So anyway, I stopped paying attention and don't care what happened.
  884.  
  885. Cody vs. Tara. Tara came out in "her MMA gear" which consisted of a bunch of Tapout Gear that they taped over because they didn't want Tapout on TV but didn't tell her to wear something else. Deaner came out with Zubaz pants (where the fuck did he get those?), duct tape, headgear, gloves and bare feet. Oh, and a fanny pack. Not sure what he had in there for his match here. Suffice to say, Tara better not do any MMA anytime soon. Her kickboxing was bad, her takedown was wretched and her armbar attempt was horrible. God bless her, but WOW. Ref took a bump, so Kong ran in, squashed Tara and gave her the implant buster. Ref woke up, saw Tara KO'd, and gave the match to Deaner. This was something else.
  886.  
  887. Cody did an insane promo backstage saying you could add Victoria to the list of dudes he knocked out, which includes Tony Danza, Carrot Top, Mike Tyson and Chuck Norris. He was completely nuts.
  888.  
  889. They showed a "security camera" tape of Rhino walking up to Lashley while he was training at his MMA gym, getting face-to-face with him, and then beating the shit out of him. You have to be kidding me.
  890.  
  891. AJ & Daniels vs. Kurt & Samoa Joe. Matt Morgan came out to corner Angle as promised. Kurt looked shocked. Sting was out there watching as well. Good guys ran wild until Joe gave AJ the uranage and they went to work. It was really good. Daniels got the hot tag and ran wild on both guys. He killed Angle with the BME and AJ followed it up with the big splash, but Joe broke it up with a back splash. Joe got a chair and the ref was distracted. So Morgan held up a chair for Kurt. Kurt went to throw AJ into it but AJ put on the brakes and did a switch. Morgan kept holding the chair and acted shocked. AJ then rolled up Angle for the pin. Good finish and at least we got a good main event here. Angle screamed at him afterwards and Morgan acted like he'd fucked up. Kurt finally slapped him, so Morgan, after all these weeks, picked him up and gave him the Hellevator. And then we got the dirt-worst of TNA. This angle, an angle that actually had a slow build and culminated here, was so important that they IMMEDIATELY CUT AWAY to THE FUCKING WORLD ELITE. You have to be kidding me. THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE MAIN ANGLE LEADING TO THE MAIN EVENT AT THE PPV? They had Homicide and said if Hernandez didn't come out they were going to kill his friend. Hernandez came out and cleared the ring of all the heels, but then Homicide killed him with a chairshot to join World Elite. The angle was good, but no way they should have done two huge angles back to back like this. Complete overkill and it took the edge off the Morgan/Angle deal, which was supposed to be the big angle leading into the PPV.
  892.  
  893.  
  894. Smackdown
  895. Taker came out and cut a wacky promo talking about the sands of time and an hourglass and the usual wackiness. He vowed to regain the title at the PPV and once again cast his shadow of darkness over Smackdown. He looked 500 years old. He said submission was the only alternative to an eternity of pain. He said not only would Punk relinquish the title but he was also going to hand Taker his soul. How is he going to do that? So Punk came out and cut a wacky promo of his own, making sure to reference the "Charismatic Enabler." This was the same day that Jeff got busted. He said he didn't want Taker's soul at the PPV, he only wanted one thing, and that was for him to tap out. He brought up the anaconda vice, saying he was going to tap him out with that, and then said once it was over all the fans were going to have to crawl back to their bottles and their pain pills to numb themselves to the reality that their hero, the Undertaker, tapped out. He said we'd get a glimpse of it tonight when he planned on making Matt tap out to the anaconda vice. He vowed to remain the choice of the new generation, the one and only straight edge champion in history. Taker said the way he saw it, Punk had one thing wrong. The fans weren't going to say "Just Say No," they were going to say "Rest in Peace." Yippee.
  896.  
  897. Mike Knox vs. Finlay in a Belfast Brawl. Knox cut one of his goofy inset promos saying he didn't just want Finlay the snake's tail, he "wanted it all." How lewd. This was basically a hardcore match, no DQs or countouts. They did a good job building up to using the weapons. Knox kicked the chair into his face and then gave him a side slam onto a chair to get the heat. He wacked him with multiple garbage cans outside, then set up a table. I love how this is the opener. Knox whipped him into the table but it didn't break. Finlay sold it great. Knox went for his flying high cross but Finlay wacked him with his shillelagh in mid-move for the pin. This was pretty good.
  898.  
  899. Dolph was looking for Maria backstage. Michelle walked up and wanted to know what he saw in her. "What I meant was, why would you be with a ditzy little girl like Maria when you could be with a sexy woman like me." She tried to throw herself at him and he wanted nothing to do with her. As he was shoving her off, Layla was in the background with a cell phone taking a photo for evidence. Devilish women.
  900.  
  901. Great Khali vs. DH Smith. Before the match started Kane ran out and attacked Khali. Khali fought back with a karate chop, then hit a horrible tree slam. Thankfully, that was the end of the segment. To think they tried to sell a PPV with this battle. "It will be ugly," Jim Ross said.
  902.  
  903. Jericho & Show vs. Cryme Tyme. Good guys ran wild early and it was some good stuff. Mostly working with Jericho, of course. They kept Show out of the ring I think all the way until it was time to get the heat. They got it on Shad of all people. JTG made a comeback on Jericho and it was great stuff. Jericho threw him over the top and as JTG was doing a skin-the-cat back in Show punched him right in the face and knocked him out. Jericho covered him and got the pin. The best part of this was the entire front row applauding the great teamwork of the evil heels.
  904.  
  905. Teddy was on the phone backstage when Vince walked in. He was mad again. He said Smackdown was good, but Teddy was on probation and he didn't build his empire on good. "I built my empire on EXCELLENCE!" He wanted to know what he was going to do about it. Teddy said he had a huge surprise next week that was going to change the face of Smackdown and Vince wasn't going to believe it. Vince said he had better believe it, then demanded Teddy have something excellent for him at the PPV.
  906.  
  907. John Morrison vs. Charlie Haas. They actually gave Haas quite a bit here. He got the heat with a divorce court-style move and then went to work on the arm. Morrison cut him off with a kick, knocking him to the canvas, then just CRUSHED him with the starship pain. Turned into a good showcase for Morrison. He cut a promo afterwards talking about how he won the IC title last week. He said it wouldn't have been possible without Rey Mysterio. He said he wanted to come out and tell him how he felt after the match, but there were no words to describe it so he hoped this video would help. It was clips of him weeping after winning last week. He thanked Rey from the bottom of his heart, said he was a great competitor and a great champion, and all Rey had to do to get a rematch was ask. Out came Dolph Ziggler. He said this absolutely sickened him because he earned a title match and the next thing he knew Rey and Morrison had a match and Morrison was the champ. Morrison said yes, that is exactly what happened. Morrison said what were you planning on doing, losing to him for a third time? Morrison offered him a title match right here, right now. Ziggler said no, he didn't want it now, they'd have his title match on his terms when he said so. Morrison tried to get the crowd to chant "MR. ZIGGLES" at Ziggler. This was how they were attempting to build up a match. This was so lame. The crowd did end up chanting it and they chanted until Dolph just walked off. Todd wanted to know what Ross thought of Mr. Ziggles. Jim Ross said: "No comment." God I laughed.
  908.  
  909. Josh interviewed Matt about the submission match. He said he was going to beat Punk, and not only that, he guaranteed Punk would be lucky if he made it to the PPV.
  910.  
  911. Melina vs. Layla. Michelle was out there watching. These girls tried hard but it was sloppy and scared the shit out of me. This match went on forever. Finish saw Michelle hit Melina with the crutch allowing Layla to get the pin. I considered this poetic justice after the unprovoked attacks of previous weeks.
  912.  
  913. Josh interviewed R-Truth about Drew McIntyre. He said where he was from, "you kick my dog and I'll kick your cat!" He ranted and raved and then said if they put him and Drew in a match that actually started he'd be all over him like a monkey on a cupcake. A monkey on a cupcake. Drew ended up flying in out of nowhere and beating the shit out of him. His run-in was perfectly timed, plus Truth cut a great promo so this was good stuff.
  914.  
  915. Matt vs. Punk. Matt ran wild early and put him in various wacky lucha submissions. Punk finally posted him twice and went to work. Hardy is getting back into ring shape but still has a ways to go. He worked over Punk's legs and put him in a figure four for a near submission. He also put him in the worst half-crab imaginable but Punk made the ropes. Punk then pulled him into the middle of the ring and put on the anaconda vise for the pin. The look of joy on his face to have won via submission was so awesome. I'm going to be really sad when he loses the title, I have to say. As he was celebrating the lights went out, and when they came back on the title was gone and Taker was shown on the ramp holding it up. So he stole the title via magic. Well, can he win by submission via magic on Sunday.
  916.  
  917.  
  918. Raw
  919. Show opened with Lilian calling out Big Dave. He came out with a huge sling on his left arm. They showed clips of Legacy putting him out of action three months ago by Pillmanizing his arm. Dave said before he made this announcement he wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone in the building and everyone watching at home. He said he was coming out to say goodbye, and wanted to thank people for letting him have the time of his life in this ring. He said there had been rumors of his retirement for a long time now but -- and suddenly Orton's music hit. He took the mic and said this was a pretty shitty way for the big bad monster Batista to go out, with a whimper. He said Dave wasn't retiring because of his health, he was retiring because of Orton. "How about you just hang your head and cry like you were about to do before I came out here?" Dave cackled a bit. Orton wanted to know what was so funny. Dave said there were two things that were really funny to him right now. "One, is that you're very predictable. Two, I know something you don't know!" He then proceeded to slide the arm brace off and beat the crap out of Orton. Dave said he wasn't there to announce his retirement, he was there to announce that he was going to Smackdown. Mixed reaction for that. And also, he said, he talked to Trish early, and she guaranteed him one more match on Raw tonight, and it was no holds barred against Orton. For those keeping track, the original prognosis was that he would be out four months following surgery, but I predicted at the time that he'd be back earlier and perhaps try to make SummerSlam. It also made sense for his return to take place at Survivor Series in his hometown in Washington, DC, but, well, they wanted him back.
  920.  
  921. Trish came out looking quite unbelievable. She mentioned Bob Barker last week and people actually booed. WHAT THE FUCK. Lance Storm didn't like Price is Raw either. It's the damn Canadians. She said she thought she knew what the people wanted. She said we had Batista vs. Orton and Orton was owed a rematch. People booed. She signed Orton vs. Cena in a Hell in the Cell rematch. People booed, wanting the match tonight. She said Orton was already wrestling to try to placate them. She said we'd see more of her tonight and demanded a match start. This wasn't bad but the people weren't into her much at all except as eye candy, and she was pretty low-key in her delivery.
  922.  
  923. Swagger & Miz vs. Kofi & Primo. Match was fine while it lasted. Kofi quickly got a hot tag but was distracted by Miz stealing his belt. Swagger immediately pinned Kofi for the win. So you steal a belt and you get a title match but you pin the champion and you don't? Presumably they'll go to a three-way because that's all that makes sense.
  924.  
  925. Gail vs. Alicia Fox in what Lilian declared "a triple threat match for the number-one contender's Diva's championship". One week left for the poor woman. They reminded us that Alicia had beaten Mickie in a match a few weeks back. Mickie's popped boob did commentary. They asked her about Trish and she said, "I remember being quite a fan of hers -- but that was a long time ago." That was an awkward moment. Athletically Alicia looked good but she's still super green. Gail made a comeback but missed a dropkick off the top and Alicia pinned her with the axe kick.
  926.  
  927. This week's fun fact was that "Raw was watched by more people last Monday night than EVERY show on ABC, CW and FOX." What does that even mean?.
  928.  
  929. Trish was in her powder room backstage with, for God knows what reason, a Boba Fett head on her desk. Beth walked up and was bitching about not getting the title shot. Jericho walked up and said you shouldn't ever ask Trish a question about herself because she'd talk all night long. Jericho accused her of being in love with him so she said he was clearly gay for the Big Show. All paraphrased. Beth said at least Jericho never bailed to start a yoga studio in a low-rent country. She said clearly Trish was afraid to face her. Trish said she was not only going to face Beth tonight, but also Jericho in a tag match with a mystery partner.
  930.  
  931. Cody and Ted came out and mocked DX's promos, then talked about how a new era was dawning in WWE. He said they didn't just beat DX, they made them submit, tap out, SAY UNCLE. Cody said Rock, Steve Austin, Undertaker, the McMahons, Edge and Randy Orton had all failed to make DX tap out. They again claimed they were the only ones to every do so. Ted said what they did last night was truly history, something no one else could do, and while they may have shocked the world, what they did didn't surprise the two of them one bit. They said they were no longer the sons of Dusty Rhodes and Ted DiBiase -- those men were now THEIR fathers. Good promo.
  932.  
  933. Shawn vs. Ted DiBiase. More "YOU SCREWED BRET!" chants. Announcers were putting over so hard what a huge win it had been for Legacy the night before, the first time any team had ever submitted them, and Lawler even said after SummerSlam and last night Shawn pretty much had to win. Shawn made a comeback and went for the sharpshooter, which people hated. Then he tried the reverse figure four but got raked. He hit the forearm and went up top for the elbow. He was mostly cheered. So after all this he hit the elbow and went for the superkick and Cody broke it up for the DQ. Hunter went after Cody and we had a huge brawl all over the building. The ended up just cutting to commercial and when they returned it was time for the midget and Evan Bourne. Well, that part sucked.
  934.  
  935. Bourne & Midget vs. Carlito & Chavo with Rosa Mendez. What a handicap match this was. Rosa got put with Carlito on Superstars for the 80% of you who don't watch that show. Carlito has trimmed down and actually looks to be in pretty good shape. This was also the hardest I've seen him work in forever. Evan, of course, worked the whole match for his team. Evan made a comeback, laid out Chavo and tagged in the midget. Chavo tried to cut him off but Hornswaggle spat apple in his face and then hit the frog splash for the pin. Chavo went nuts afterwards saying he had no idea what he was supposed to do. "I give up," he told the midget. "You win. I give up." Hopefully that's the end of this then.
  936.  
  937. Josh interviewed John Cena. He was upset that last night, at the first sign of jeopardy, Orton just gave the belt away. Well, that's what happens when you get put in a submission hold. Only an idiot fights it. Cena said he made a promise not to quit and at Breaking Point there were many times he wanted to. He said the pain was immeasurable but every time he said no there was more pain and suffering to come. "But I gave you folks my word and I kept it. I promised and I delivered." He said he had another promise. If we thought we saw punishment at Breaking Point he vowed we'd see a different side of him, a more intense, a more brutal, a more savage side of John Cena, and Randy would be the luckiest man alive if he made it out of the Cell in one piece. Seriously, good luck topping Breaking Point.
  938.  
  939. Trish & her mystery partner MVP vs. Jericho & Beth Phoenix. Trish and Beth worked the entire match. Trish tried her Matrix bridge but didn't make it back up and looked like she might have tweaked her knee. Jericho and MVP got sent outside, then Big Show ran down for the immediate DQ. Henry made the save. Trish grabbed the mic afterwards and said no, this was her show, her town, and therefore this was now a six-person. Trish & MVP & Henry vs. Jericho & Show & Beth. Heat on MVP. He made a comeback and then Jericho, like a coward, tagged in Beth. She demanded MVP fight her, but MVP tagged in Trish for a double balling elbow. MVP wiped out Jericho with a dive. Show tripped up Trish, so Henry ran over Big Show outside. Beth made a cover but Trish kicked out. She ended up hitting her Stratusfaction bulldog for the pin. A bit clunky in spots but the fans loved it.
  940.  
  941. Cedric the Entertainer is the guest host next week. So much for Lilian's chance.
  942.  
  943. Orton vs. Batista in a no-holds-barred match. This is their big revenge match after Orton nearly "ended his career". They brawled around ringside. Randy finally tried to bail but Cena's music hit, he chased Orton into the ring, and Dave hit the spinebuster and powerbomb for the pin. Yes, that quick and that decisive. Fans weren't nearly as into Batista as you'd think, though they did pop huge for the finish. Sucks to be Orton two nights in a row. Some questionable things but a fun show overall.
  944.  
  945.  
  946. F4W~! ONLINE EXTRAS~!
  947.  
  948. 8-22-09 ROH With Bryan’s Friend Craig
  949. Sami Callihan & Tony Kozina vs. Kevin Steen & El Generico. The babyfaces took the offence early with Steen crushing Callihan with a senton. Generico took over on Kozina, but Callihan cheated, allowing Kozina to hit a butterfly suplex on Generico. Kozina’s gimmick is that he is a small guy trying to be a tough guy. The problem is that he is clumsy and falls a lot. Well, he fell, and Generico was able to make the hot tag to Steen. Steen ran wild and powerbombed Kozina onto the bent over Callihan! That had to suck. Steen went for the senton bomb, but Callihan got the knees up and made the tag to Kozina. Kozina hit a springboard bulldog on Steen. Callihan and Kozina worked over Steen, but Steen got his foot up in the corner on Callihan and then moved from out of the way and the heels collided in the corner. Then from out of nowhere Generico hit both men with the yakuza kick. Steen then hoisted up both men on his back and squashed them with a Samoan drop. They then hit a package piledriver / brainbuster combo on Kozina for the three count.
  950.  
  951. Kyle Durden interviewed Roderick Strong. Durden informed Roderick that Austin Aries had said that if Strong could beat him he might give him a title shot. Strong was upset and began to run down a list of people he had beat. He said that he had nothing to prove and that tonight Aries would find out that Strong was more than worthy.
  952.  
  953. D-Lo Brown vs. John Kermon. D-Lo beat the snot out of Kermon killing him with a stiff lariat. D-Lo went up top, but Kermon finally cut him off. This was ill fated because as Kermon went up for a superplex, D-Lo killed him with a sky high off the second rope. A beautiful squash match. Durden hit the ring and asked D-Lo what he thought about the possible retirement of Jerry Lynn. This upset D-Lo. He grabbed the mic and told Durden "get ta steppin." He said that he hoped Lynn would retire. Better yet, he hoped Jerry would shrivel up and die. D-Lo said it would just be one less person to be in the way for his run at the ROH title.
  954.  
  955. Durden interviewed Nigel McGuiness and asked him about his return last week in the match with Tyler Black. Nigel said that there was no reason to rehash old events and that he would not be beat by Black again. He then called out Jerry Lynn and told him to retire.
  956.  
  957. Tyler Black was in the ring and he said that he wanted to address the rumor of Jerry Lynn’s retirement. He said he did not know if Jerry was hanging it up, but he would work just as hard as Jerry did to get the ROH belt. Just then Jerry Lynn’s music hit and Lynn came down to the ring. It should be noted that Lynn was in his gear. Jerry said he came to ROH when he was 45 years old and he took the belt from McGuiness. He talked about his family and his injuries and then said that "no one truly retires from wrestling" and he said that the rematch he would have with Tyler Black would be a highlight of his career. So Jerry Lynn is NOT retiring!
  958.  
  959. Roderick Strong vs. Austin Aries. Aries came down to the ring wearing a fuzzy hot pink jacket that was incredible. These two opened the match with chain wrestling that literally went four minutes. Just awesome stuff here! Roderick got the upper hand with a stiff chop that sent Aries to the mat and followed that up with a backbreaker. Aries got sick of being chopped so he fired back with one of his own. The two had a great chop battle, but Aries slipped through the ropes and got his feet caught so he was hanging outside the ring by his feet. Strong then got out of the ring and violently chopped the hanging Aries repeatedly. Strong hoisted up Aries and was going to run him into the post, but Aries slipped out and ran Strong into the post. Aries then tossed Strong hard into the barricade and hit a double axehandle off the apron. Back in the ring Strong made a small comeback with an over-the-shoulder backbreaker, but Aries drilled him with a crucifix bomb to regain control. Aries worked Strong’s neck, giving him a neckbreaker over the second rope. Strong was able to get his boot up in the corner and hit an enzuigiri on Aries. Both men were down in the center of the ring and finally made it back to their feet and a CHOP WAR ensued, with Strong getting the upper hand. Strong hit yet another backbreaker and tried to follow it up, but Aries tossed him outside and nailed him against the barricade with a suicide dive. Aries came off the top rope, but Strong caught him and hit a uranage backbreaker for a two-count. Aries fought back and scored with a big soccer kick to the head and followed that up with the IED dropkick in the corner. Aries threaded a suplex outside, but Strong reversed it and hit a slingshot suplex for a great nearfall. Strong hit a gutbuster and followed that up with a flying yakuza kick that Aries took a great spinning bump for. Strong covered Aries, but Aries got his foot on the rope at two. The crowd was going nuts chanting "this is awesome"! And they were right!! Strong hit another form of a backbreaker and Aries caught the ropes and rolled up Strong and got the pin from out of nowhere with his feet on the top rope. The fans and Strong were upset, but what an amazing match!
  960.  
  961.  
  962. 8-31-09 ROH With Bryan’s Friend Craig
  963. Delirious vs. Sonjay Dutt. They started the match exchanging arm holds and armdrags. Sonjay was whipped into the corner, but was able to get his boot up in the face of Delirious. Dutt then an awesome running headscissors, throwing Delirious to the outside. Dutt missed a baseball side, but managed to hit Delirious with an outside-the-ring 619. Back in the ring Delirious mounted some offense by hitting a pumphandle michinoku driver, but Sonjay hit a legdrop off the second rope as Delirious’ neck was draped on the second rope. Sonjay followed that up with a beautiful springboard splash for a two-count. Dutt was taking a majority of the match and went for a double leg kick off the ropes and Delirious turned it into a neckbreaker and then killed Sonjay with the panic attack. He then went for shadows over hell, but Sonjay moved out of the way. The two exchanged a few rollups and then from out of nowhere Delirious rolled him up and pinned Sonjay Dutt. Really great match!
  964.  
  965. The American Wolves vs. Cheech and Cloudy. The Wolves attacked the jobbers at the bell, but they managed to hit the Wolves with a double headscissors sending them outside. Both Cheech and Cloudy went for stereo pescados and the Wolves casually moved away and both jobbers splatted on the floor. This was great! Of course the Wolves beat these two unmercifully. They hit Cloudy with the alarm clock and then a powerbomb/codebreaker combo. And then Cloudy tapped out to a half crab from Eddie Edwards. This is how a squash match is done! Just then the Dark City Fight Club hit the ring and they killed Cheech with their finisher the powerbomb/neckbreaker combo. Prazak said that the DCFC were sending a message to the champions.
  966.  
  967. Colt Cabana and his "army" were up next cutting a promo. Colt cut a wacky promo saying that he and his "army" consisting of Brent Albright, Necro Butcher, and Grizzly Redwood would beat The Embassy in their elimination match tonight. He referred to Albright as sergeant meathead and Albright could not keep a straight face and the promo went all downhill with this army, giggling. So awesome!
  968.  
  969. Up next was a sitdown interview with Jerry Lynn. He said he did not retire because he wants a match with Tyler Black. He said that Tyler was young, but he was not going to go into the match lightly. They then announced the main event for next week, Tyler Black vs. Jerry Lynn.
  970.  
  971. Eric Stevens vs. Silas Young. Young got the heat a minute in when he necked Stevens on the top rope. He took control and nailed Stevens with a lariat in the back of the head. Stevens then took over with a shoulderblock off the second rope and then dropped Young with a Samoan drop. Stevens then dropped Young on his head with a German and then hit wrestling's worst named move, the choo choo. Stevens then killed him with a doctor bomb for the pinfall.
  972.  
  973. Kyle Durden interviewed Eddie Kingston. Durden basically asked about Kingston’s dislike for Chris Hero. Kingston said that Hero was hiding from him, or that he may be at home eating. He said this! Then he called Hero a fat boy? Hello pot, this is the kettle. He said Hero was a coward and that sooner than later they would have to meet in the ring.
  974.  
  975. The Embassy (Prince Nana, Claudio Castignoli, Ernie Osiris, & Jimmy Rave) vs. Colt Cabana’s Army (Cabana, Grizzly Redwood, Necro Butcher, & Brent Albright) in an elimination match. The faces hit the ring and it was an all out brawl with the faces standing tall as the heels fled. Necro started out with Osiris and Necro BEAT him down. Osiris got the tag to Claudio who locked on an abdominal stretch on Necro and Claudio cheated by holding the ropes and the other heels' hands. I love cheap heat! Necro answered back with a headscissors. Yes, you read that right! And then he locked Claudio in an abdominal stretch of his own. Necro then grabbed Redwood’s hand, and Redwood grabbed Albright’s hand, and then Colt grabbed Albright’s hand and then Colt offered for the fans at ringside to help in the cheating which they did! The whole front row was locked arm in arm with the babyfaces. It was a giant chain of cheating! This made me giggle. The ref finally saw the chain and broke it up and even some of the fans threw their hands up as if to say I am innocent. Just AWESOME! They did a dive spot with all the faces hitting a dive on the heels, capped off with Cabana doing an asai moonsault onto Claudio. Then as Grizzly looked on Osiris rolled him up for the first pin. Cabana was in next and took a beating from all the heels, but made a hot tag to Albright who ran wild and hit a sweet suicide dive on Claudio. The two brawled through the crowd and both men were counted out. The heels then went to work on the injured heel of Necro. Nana and Rave held Necro down and placed his foot on a chair at ringside. Osiris then hit a senton off the ring apron and onto the chair and Necro’s foot. Just brutal! Rave then locked Necro in a heel hook and Necro Butcher tapped out, leaving Colt Cabana by himself. Osiris attacked Colt from behind, but Cabana hit him with an over-the-shoulder backbreaker to eliminate Osiris. Rave attacked Cabana from behind and slapped on the heel hook, but Colt powered out, but Rave locked on a neck crank. Colt again powered out and took a breather in the corner. Jimmy Rave charged Cabana and Cabana dove over him and rolled him up and Colt Cabana pinned Jimmy Rave. This left only Prince Nana and Cabana. Cabana crushed Nana in the corner and locked on the reverse crab. Then Prince Nana tapped out giving Colt Cabana’s Army the win.
  976.  
  977. A really fun show this week. Next week we get Tyler Black vs. Jerry Lynn and King & Titus vs. The Briscoes.
  978.  
  979.  
  980. 9-7-09 ROH With Bryan’s Friend Craig
  981. Rhett Titus & Kenny King vs. The Briscoe Bros. Titus and King refused a handshake to start the match so the Briscoes jumped them and beat them down until the heels powdered outside. The Briscoes took the offense early in the match with Jay hitting a Russian leg sweep and Mark coming off the top rope, CRUSHING King with a senton. Mark tried to get King over for a sunset flip, but King was able to tag Titus in and both of them double-teamed Mark to get the heat. Titus gave Mark an inverted atomic drop and then King drilled him with a lariat. That must have been a receipt from that senton! King missed an elbow in the corner and Mark hit him with an exploder. Mark then leaped to tag in Jay, but at the same moment Titus pulled Jay off the apron, so Mark missed the tag. King then hit Mark with flying double knees to the back. King missed a punch and Mark hit him with a diamond cutter and made the hot tag to Jay. He ran wild with clotheslines and hit a nice spinebuster on King. King raked the eyes and tagged in Titus. Jay cut him off and went up top, but King grabbed his foot, allowing Titus to recover and hit a facebuster from the top rope! King tagged in and nailed Jay with a uranage for a nearfall. Mark threw King headfirst into the second turnbuckle and made the tag to Mark. Mark then gave King a sweet fisherman buster and Titus broke up the pinfall. The match then broke down into a brawl with the Briscoes double-shoulder blocking Titus out of the ring and hitting a double superkick on King. The Briscoes then hit a doomsday device on King for the three-count. The American Wolves then strolled down to ringside and Davey Richards cut a promo calling the Briscoes "team double wide" and telling them to cherish these moments because the Wolves will cripple them again. Edwards grabbed the mic and was about to say "the hunt is on," but he and Richards were jumped by Kevin Steen and El Generico. They tossed the Wolves into the ring and all the babyfaces beat them down until the Wolves powdered outside. leaving their title belts in the ring with the two babyface teams. This could lead to a great triangle tag match!
  982.  
  983. Kyle Durden interviewed Nigel McGuiness and asked his thoughts on the main event of Tyler Black vs. Jerry Lynn. He said that Tyler was a hell of a wrestler, but manners make the man and Tyler was a very rude man for cutting him off on an interview a few weeks back. He then referred to Jerry Lynn as Jeritol Lynn and said that even though Jerry beat him for the belt he could not hold onto it very long and that he still had a lot to prove to him and the fans. He then said "both of you wankers, keep your eye on the ball."
  984.  
  985. They showed clips of Eddie Kingston beat the fire out of Chris Hero from about a month ago. Prazak informed us that Kingston demanded that he was to face Hero tonight. Kingston made his way to the ring and was introduced. Chris Hero’s music played and out came Shane Hagadorn. He then cut a promo and said that Hero was not a coward, Kingston just was not up to his level and he needed to prove himself before he got to Hero. Hagadorn then brought out a reluctant Sal Rinauro. Sal got in the ring and knelt down to pray and crossed himself as Kingston looked on in disgust. Rinauro went for the handshake and Kingston punched him and killed him with a spinning backfist for the pin. What a jerk that Kingston is!
  986.  
  987. Nigel McGuiness vs. Aaron Scott. Nigel tossed this kid around like a rag doll to start the match. He then took him to the mat and stretched him. Scott fired back with a few chops and hit Nigel with a nice dropkick. Nigel reversed an Irish whip and went for the jawbreaker, but there was a miscue and Scott had his head down and he played it off like he was going for a single leg takedown. So Nigel grabbed the guy and dropped him HARD with a DDT and pinned him. Nigel looked pretty upset after words. And locked Scott in the London dungeon
  988.  
  989. Tyler Black vs. Jerry Lynn. Lots of mat wrestling early until Lynn locked Black in a legscissors. Tyler broke free and gave Lynn a hiptoss, but Jerry landed on his feet. Lynn responded with a hiptoss of his own, but Tyler landed on his feet. The action started to pick up and Lynn hit a nice headscissors, but Black answered back with a sweet dropkick. Black tossed Lynn in the corner, but Jerry backdropped Black out onto the apron. Tyler responded by giving Lynn an enzuigiri to the back of the head. Lynn ducked a clothesline, Black ducked a clothesline and both men crashed and burned after they both went for a cross body at the same time. Just then Nigel McGuiness walked out to ringside. Black was distracted, but ran at Lynn, who got his foot up in the corner and went for the spinning DDT, but Black threw him off and hit a lariat. Black went for a quebrada, but Lynn got his knees up. Jerry hit an inverted DDT for a two-count. Both men looked exhausted! They traded roll-ups and pin attempts, but from out of nowhere Black nailed Lynn with a Pele kick. Black charged the corner, but Lynn backdropped him outside right in front of McGuiness. Jerry hit a beautiful springboard dive onto Black as Nigel cheered on. Lynn was giving Nigel the stink eye and Black tossed Lynn hard into the barricade. Black tossed Lynn inside the ring and Lynn cut him off with a legdrop to the back of the neck. Lynn went to powerbomb Black from the apron to the floor, but Black legdropped Lynn to cut him off. Black hit a springboard lariat for a nearfall. Black went for the buckle bomb, but Lynn turned it into a frankensteiner and Black crashed into the buckles. Jerry went to the top, but Black cut him off with another enzuigiri. Tyler went up, but Lynn flipped over and gave Black a powerbomb off the second rope for another great nearfall. Lynn hit a TKO for a two-count and went for the cradle piledriver, but Black cut him off and hit a TKO of his own. Black then hit the buckle bomb and a superkick. As the ref counted two Nigel put Lynn’s foot on the ropes. Black had words with Nigel and then picked up Lynn to give him the package piledriver, but Lynn put Black in a small package and got the pinfall. Tyler was disgusted as Nigel McGuiness walked away from the ring saying "keep your eye on the ball."
  990.  
  991.  
  992. WCW WrestleWar 1991
  993. Diamond Dallas Page cut a promo. He had a sweet parted mullet. He bragged about fooling Teddy Long into signing Doom to a title defense against the Freebirds, who he was managing. Long came out to defend himself. He said he thought Page was his friend, but Page had snookered him and, well, I actually lost track of what he was talking about. But both guys said their team would win.
  994.  
  995. Terry Taylor vs. Z-Man in a no-DQ match. Because when you think of wild out of-control brawlers who can’t be restricted by normal disqualification rules, you think of Terry Taylor and Tom Zenk. Taylor was in the York Foundation, but he wasn’t Terrence yet. Ross noted that each man had been disqualified in their previous encounters, so at least they had a good storyline reason for the no-DQ stips. They got a close-up of York’s computer at ringside. It looked like something out of the Flintstones, and by that I mean a giant heavy slab that could kill a dinosaur. Zenk slapped Taylor across the face, a perfectly legal open-hand strike, and the Meltzer-lookin’ ref stepped in between them. Hell of a no-DQ war going on here. The more I look at this ring, the uglier it gets. Yellow turnbuckles. Blue, black, and yellow ropes. Royal blue ringposts and apron, light blue canvas. Just a mish-mash of colors. As you can tell, this match was a total barnburner. They did headlocks on the mat, pushing the no-disqualification rules to their limit. They showed Nikita Koloff in the crowd, in a suit and do-rag, sitting next to Muta. Wrestling is so damn weird sometimes. Seriously, a heroic angry Russian in a suit and DO-RAG calmly sitting in the crowd next to a Japanese man in a robe and full facepaint. For the first six or seven minutes they did nothing more illegal than closed-fist punches or failing to give clean breaks in the corner, until finally Taylor started choking Zenk with a TV cable. Then they just got back in the ring and did a sunset flip spot. Hiro Matsuda was shown in the crowd. Taylor and Zenk started brawling on the floor, and for a few seconds this match actually got cool. Zenk made a comeback in the ring and got nearfalls with a superkick and a backdrop. He went up top and hit a bodypress, but Ms. York had the ref. When Zenk complained, York schoolboyed him and hooked the tights for the pin. Zenk complained, but I don’t know why. It was no-DQ, everything Taylor did was totally legal. Well, whatever.
  996.  
  997. Ross and Dusty did some promoting at ringside. I would be remiss in not noting Dusty’s outfit: Camo baseball cap, red leather jacket, tan shirt with a HYOOGE collar, big gold chain. They plugged El Gigante’s appearance in the Danger Zone. Oh Lord. With that, Gary Michael Cappetta, with his mic failing, introduced Paul E., who came out in what I guess was supposed to be a matador costume and a shocking amount of hair. There was music playing that in no way sounded Mexican. He said he worked for immigration and all the illegal aliens in the Phoenix crowd were being arrested. With that, he called out EL GIGANTE. Paul E. tried to taunt him with the red cape. El was walking around like, dude, I’m from fucking Argentina. Paul E. said El was a BIG, UGLY, JERKO. El was trying to take in Paul E’s getup from every angle. “Don’t be looking behind me,” Paul E. protested, “I know that’s what you Latin people do all the time.” Well then. He said El would be the special guest ref in an upcoming cage match between Ric Flair and Sting. He said he had known a lot of Latin people living in New York City, and he had never met an honest one. Jesus. He said El was going to steal Flair’s title, and that El should step down. “No habla Ingles,” El softly protested. He doesn’t speak English, and they brought him out for a promo? Paul slapped him in the face, so El gave him a very scary bodyslam, then put on the sombrero and walked out. Huzzah~!.
  998.  
  999. Schiavonie interviewed Matsuda and Muta, plugging an upcoming show at the Egg Dome in Tokyo. They plugged Muta vs. Sting on that show. Matsuda said “Muta will defeat Sting.” Muta was standing there with his eyes closed, then started gyrating and spat green mist in the air.
  1000.  
  1001. Stan Hansen vs. Vader. STAN HANSEN VS. VADER?! HOLY SHIT! Vader’s WCW theme was so, so boss. Better yet, he was still BIG VAN VADER here, complete with STEAM-SHOOTING HEADDRESS. Underneath, he had a pretty standard wrestling mask, not the jockstrap-looking thing we know and love. They brawled on the ramp. Hansen got the better of that and dumped Vader over the ropes into the ring. He had the advantage, but turned his back for a second, just to get clotheslined. Vader hit an avalanche. He was so damn light on his feet for a guy that enormous. Vader beat him up in and out of the ring. Hansen finally dodged a corner charge and hit a back suplex. They brawled on the floor, using a box or something and some non-folding chairs. They brawled right behind the announcers and Dusty said they spilled his drink. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard Dusty Rhodes say “Courvoisier.” They continued to brawl in and out of the ring. They finally rolled back in the ring and brawled on their knees. The ref was just barely taller than them. They threw him down and he DQ’d both men. Well, that was weak. They kept fighting and Vader hit a top rope clothesline. He then missed a splash. Hansen laid Vader out with a tackle and choked him with the bullrope. Vader got the rope around Hansen’s neck, and they continued to brawl up the ramp, highlighted by Hansen clearly saying “Hit me!” The action was just OK, and the finish sucked, so this was a letdown.
  1002.  
  1003. They aired a promo for SuperBrawl 91, which would be on May 19th. I hear May 19th, and I think of the debut of See No Evil, so that promotional idea worked to a fantastic degree. That was the entire content of this promo, by the way, a fancy graphic and the date of the show. This was worse than the hype for See No Evil.
  1004.  
  1005. Dan Spivey vs. Lex Luger. Luger’s US title was on the line. Spivey came out on the ramp in leather chaps and sleeveless vest, struck a pose, and they set off the world’s lamest pyro behind him. Lex came out looking ENORMOUS. He always looked good, and he has been more shredded than he was here, but this may have been the biggest he ever was. Lex had the U.S. belt, but they announced they had a new belt that cost $20,000, and Nikita Koloff would be presenting it to the winner. Angle alert. They clubbered each other for a while. Luger was in full babyface mode, clapping his hands whenever he could. He went for a bodypress, but Spivey ducked and Luger landed across the ropes where the two rings met. That looked highly uncomfortable, especially for a guy as big as Luger. Spivey proceeded to hit a tombstone for a two-count, right there in the middle of the heat. Announcers were selling this as a deadly move, and they couldn’t believe Luger kicked out. Well, fuck, do it again then. People started roaring for reasons I could not discern here. I kept looking for Sid Vicious or somebody to do a run-in. Luger basically sold forever. He did hit a few hope spots, including reversing a suplex. Spivey hit this goofy reverse twisting top rope elbow for another two-count. So after piledrivers and DDTs and top rope elbows, Spivey hooked a headscissors. Spivey went for a standard piledriver. Luger fought and fought and almost escaped, but Spivey finally hit it for two. Luger proceeded to LEX UP~! and make a big no-selling comeback. Spivey hit a belly-to-belly for two. Then he hit a chinlock. Who in the hell put this together? The whole heat portion has been entirely backwards. Luger fought out but Spivey cut him off with a JAPANESE ARM DRAG. Luger finally made is real comeback, hitting a second-rope clothesline and a powerslam. They found the fattest woman in Arizona cheering for Lex. Luger then hit a slingshot sunset flip into the ring. No, really. Lex Luger. He went up top. Spivey went to slam him off, but Lex rolled through and hooked a small package for the win. He OUTWRESTLED him. Match wasn’t terrible, just a little dull. That seems to be the theme for this pay per view, and that sucks. Dusty immediately proclaimed it “one of the greatest matches I have ever witnessed.” He was lying.
  1006.  
  1007. Nikita Koloff and Grizzly Smith (a HUGE man) presented Lex with his new belt. Nikita said he took a lot of pride and pleasure in giving this to Lex, then hit him in the face with it. He told Tony he had sat in his gym in North Carolina for two years watching wrestlers win titles and lose them. He said the championship committee told him he couldn’t have a title match until he proved he deserved it. He said Luger had stolen the belt from him four years ago, and he was going to take it back.
  1008.  
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