How I Really Feel

	Before I begin I would like to point out that you are completely and utterly amazing. I think that is a good way to explain how I view you. I love your personality. I love how even though we disagree about so much, and look at things so very differently, we are still great friends. I think that's because our personalities, well, match. Even though our views and opinions differ, in the end, we are still alike on the inside. And that means a lot.

	Another thing I love about you, is how you are so very caring. You are quite literally the most caring person I know. You remind me of a loving mother who always looks out for others. And I like that. Whenever I'm with you I feel so safe and secure, and I feel like nothing could make my life bad, and that everything will be ok. And I really miss being with you. So very much. Much more than you can possibly imagine. Every second of every day I wish you were with me. Whenever I'm nervous or worried at school, I imagine that you're there, holding my hand, or giving me a great big hug, and telling me that I can get through it, and that in the end, everything will be OK. And I man up and do it, for you. Pretty much everything I do is for you. In case you haven't noticed.

	I love your smile. And your laughter. And your voice. To me, they are the greatest things on Earth. I miss those, too. I would always try to make you laugh, because your laughter was like some sort of hallucinogenic to me, it would always make me feel fun and free. And it still does, but I don't get to hear it as much anymore. You have no idea what I would give to hear it more.

	It always sort of annoyed me, however, that you don't think you're pretty. I actually feel insulted when you say you are pretty, or gorgeous, or beautiful. I feel insulted because you're talking about the most stunning, awe inspiring, most prettiful and beautiful thing I've seen. And you are, you just haven't noticed that. And yes, people will say otherwise, and that's because they are genuinely jealous. And I know these are things you've heard hundreds of times before, and it sounds like I'm pulling it all out of my ass, but believe me when I say this: I swear on everything that was, is, and ever will me good and righteous, that I honestly believe this.

	Now that I think about it, there is literally almost nothing I dislike about you. You're so very smart, talented, attractive, creative, passionate, caring, funny, strong, independent, and so, so, soooo much more. You're a great person, with a great family, and a great future ahead of you. You're respectful, and curious about the world in which you live, which is unfortunately rare in our generation.

	I remember when you invited me to your brother's baseball game. I think we both know that the only reason I came was because of you. Hell, I would've come in the middle of a hurricane with no legs on my graduation day. I remember sitting there with you, and just being amazed at the thought of being somewhere with you that wasn't school. If you remember, I was really quiet the whole time. I was keeping my mouth shut so nothing stupid would come out. I was also sort of in shock/amazement. I'm so glad you did that for me. I know things were sort of awkward still between us, and you really didn't have to do that, but you did, and you have no idea how much that meant to me. I know I told you somewhat about it, but I was going through some extremely hard times then, and I needed something to hold on to. And you provided that. And I forever thank you for that.

	I wish so much I could go back and start things again between us. I've messed up so much over the past 10 months, that I really don't know why you're still my friend. But I'm glad you are, considering you're my best friend, and I really need you. I remember at one point you said that horseback riding was the only thing that kept you sane. Well, you're my horseback. I would have definably committed suicide by now if it weren't for you. But, as I was saying, I really wish I were better at relationships. From the very beginning I've been fucking things up. Everything from asking you out way before you were ready, to getting so angry at you, and for everything else I've done. And believe me, not a night goes by where I don't think about it, and I cry and cry and cry over it, because I know that no matter what I do, I will never deserve to be forgiven for those things. And that no matter what I say, or how hard I try, I will always be that one guy that could've been, was just ended up in the friend zone. And one day, eventually, some guy will come along, and you'll give him your heart, and he will be better than me in every single way imaginable. And maybe you've already met this guy. And I know I will be jealous of him. I'm a very jealous person, in case you haven't noticed by now. And I'll wish so much that I was him. And maybe I will go a little more insane. But there's isn't much I can do about that, is there. And I guess I deserve it, since it was all my fault.

	I promised myself that I wouldn't make this much more than 1000 words, because I know that if I didn't give myself a limit, I would never stop. All these words barely begin to describe how I feel about you. But at least it gives you a small idea. And I know you don't see me like that, you don't want a relationship, etc, and that you've already heard all this. If anything, this will only makes things worse. But I know that if I knew someone loved me as much as I love you, my life would be so much better. And I want you to have that. And maybe, just maybe, my dreams will come true, and that you will change your mind, and that you will love me. But probably not, because by now, we're deep inside the friendzone, and I don't see a path out anywhere. Which is too bad, because I think we would be incredible together. But in the end, it's all about you, and it's all up to you.