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  1. http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/07/what-open-marriage-taught-one-man-about-feminism.html
  3. as of aug 31 2016
  5. What Open Marriage Taught One Man About Feminism
  6. By Michael Sonmore
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  17. Young couple wearing rings hand in hand
  18. Photo: Photography by Bobi/Getty Images
  20. As I write this, my children are asleep in their room, Loretta Lynn is on the stereo, and my wife is out on a date with a man named Paulo. It’s her second date this week; her fourth this month so far. If it goes like the others, she’ll come home in the middle of the night, crawl into bed beside me, and tell me all about how she and Paulo had sex. I won’t explode with anger or seethe with resentment. I’ll tell her it’s a hot story and I’m glad she had fun. It’s hot because she’s excited, and I’m glad because I’m a feminist.
  22. Before my wife started sleeping with other men, I certainly considered myself a feminist, but I really only understood it in the abstract. When I quit working to stay at home with the kids, I began to understand it on a whole new level. I am an economically dependent househusband coping with the withering drudgery of child-rearing. Now that I understand the reality of that situation, I don’t blame women for demanding more for themselves than the life of the housewife.
  24. Still, as a man, I could, if I wanted to, portray what I’m doing as “work,” and thus claim for myself the prestige men traditionally derive from “work.” Whenever I tell someone I stay home with the kids, they invariably say, “Hardest work in the world.” They say this because the only way to account for a man at home with the kids is to say what he’s doing is hard work. But there’s a subtext in the compliment that makes it backhanded: We both know no one ever says it to a woman. Mothers care; fathers provide care. The difference is crucial. Despite my total withdrawal from the economy and the traditional sources of masculine identity, I can still argue I am a provider. I provide care.  
  26. In this way, my masculine self-image was stretched but not broken. Diaper bag notwithstanding, I was still a Man. It wasn’t until my wife mentioned one evening that she’d kissed another man and liked it and wanted to do more than kiss next time that I realized how my status as a Man depended on a single fact: that my wife fucked only me.
  28. ***
  30. When people ask how it started, I say this: We married young. She’d had sex before me, but only with a handful of people a handful of times. She never had a boyfriend, never had a lover. I was the first man she ever had the chance to get to know intimately. By her mid-30s, having already had our children and entering her sexual prime, she felt keenly her lack of sexual experience. Happily for me, she was willing to talk about it, willing to ask if I’d be open to exploring other options. We opened a bottle of wine and started talking, and talking, and talking.
  32. She didn’t present it as an issue of feminism to me, but after much soul-searching about why the idea of my wife having sex with other men bothered me I came to a few conclusions: Monogamy meant I controlled her sexual expression, and, not to get all women’s-studies major about it, patriarchal oppression essentially boils down to a man’s fear that a woman with sexual agency is a woman he can’t control. We aren’t afraid of their intellect or their spirit or their ability to bear children. We are afraid that when it comes time for sex, they won’t choose us. This petty fear has led us as a culture to place judgments on the entire spectrum of female sexual expression: If a woman likes sex, she’s a whore and a slut; if she only likes sex with her husband or boyfriend, she’s boring and lame; if she doesn’t like sex at all, she’s frigid and unfeeling. Every option is a trap.
  34. Feminism always comes back to sex, even when we’re talking about everything else. The point isn’t that all women should be sexual adventurers. Celibacy is as valid an expression of sexuality as profligacy. The point is that it should be women who choose, not men — even the men they’re married to. For my wife, the choice between honoring our vows and fulfilling her desires was a false choice, another trap. She knew how deep our love was, and knew that her wanting a variety of sexual experiences as we traveled through life together would not diminish or disrupt that love. It took me about six months — many long, intense conversations, and an ocean of red wine — before I knew it, too.
  36. When my wife told me she wanted to open our marriage and take other lovers, she wasn’t rejecting me, she was embracing herself. When I understood that, I finally became a feminist.
  38. ***
  40. That was two years ago, and today we’ve never been happier, more in tune, closer, tighter, stronger. Whatever power I surrendered, I don’t miss. I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone, but I tell everyone it works for us.
  42. How does it work? We take turns going out. Because we have small children (ages 6 and 3), one of us stays home. (We don’t like to use babysitters because it gives us a curfew; we’d rather go out unfettered than worry about turning into a pumpkin at midnight.) Going out alone to hooking up with others was an easy transition. It does work both ways and, yes, I too enjoy sexual carte blanche. I just don’t use mine as much as my wife uses hers. What’s important is equality of opportunity, not outcome.
  44. How does it feel? It feels great ... mostly. Most of the time, it feels like a mature, responsible way to address our needs and desires within our loving, mutually supportive marriage. It feels very adult, especially because it depends on open, honest communication. We take great pride in all the talking we do. I meet a lot of people who say they’ll never get married because they don’t want to get divorced, and hearing it always makes me sad, because they are cutting themselves off from the possibility of the magic that happens when two people share their lives. People don’t divorce because they can’t stand sharing anymore; they divorce because they feel like they can’t share enough. I never forget that my wife is a whole person unto herself, a complete and dynamic individual, and though we are together, we’re not one. Too often people get trapped in the roles of husband and wife, and a gulf opens between what they think they should be and who they really are. Opening our marriage has allowed us to close that gap so that the person I call “wife” is the same person my wife sees in the mirror. Lying to each other begins with lying to yourself, and now we don’t have to lie to anyone.
  46. There are of course moments of jealousy, resentment, and insecurity. Recently, my wife went on a date and fell asleep at his apartment. I hadn’t heard from her since 10 p.m., she still wasn’t home at 6 a.m. My texts went unanswered and my calls went to voicemail. A tight knot of dread lodged in my stomach as I imagined all kinds of dire scenarios and realized that I not only didn’t know where she was, I had no idea whom she was with. I pictured myself going to the police saying, “I think she’s in Red Hook with a guy named Ryan. I don’t know his last name, but I think he’s a graphic designer?” I’m not sure there’s actually a word for the unique blend of acute terror and unforgivable shame I felt that morning imagining that I’d lost my wife to Ryan, the maybe graphic designer. When she finally texted me at 7:30 a.m., relief coursed through me like morphine. She wrote, “fuckfuckfuckfuck Im soooooo sorry. Fell asleep.” I replied, “Just glad you’re ok, but next time, no radio silence. Remember: you’re not alone.”
  48. What surprises most people is when I tell them it’s not the sex-with-other-men that bothers me. The sex is the easy part, the fun part. It’s what the sex connects to, stands for, reveals that can be difficult. I don’t want her to fall in love with anyone else, and every time she goes on a date, I confront the possibility that she might. It happened at the beginning: The first person she dated after we opened up fell hard in love with her, and my wife, overwhelmed by his ardor, tried to love him back. Watching it happen, I was confused, angry, and terrified that she wanted to leave me. She assured me she didn’t, and whatever feelings she had for him didn’t lessen what she felt for me. Believing her then was the ultimate trust exercise. We survived because eventually I did believe her, and also because I learned to trust myself.
  50. This has been the great challenge of my open marriage: to draw strength from vulnerability. Doing so requires supreme self-confidence. You must first really, truly love yourself; it is the foundation upon which all the other love is built. From everywhere comes the message that what I’m doing is for weaklings, losers, failures, pussies; that if I had money and status, I could keep my wife “in line”; that her self-discovery comes at the expense of my self-esteem. My open marriage has made heavy demands on my ability to silence the voice of doubt in my head, that gnawing feeling of worthlessness. But I find I can meet those demands, and that I am able to build my self-confidence out of nothing more than the basic dignity we all possess. I’m grateful to my wife for pushing us to take this leap, and whatever happens to us in the future I would do it all again. And when she comes home tonight and crawls into bed beside me with a hot story about her date with Paulo, she’ll do it all again, too.
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  71. Newest | Oldest | Top Comments
  72. wewlad123 1 hour ago
  73. WE
  74. FlagLikeReply
  75. Unc0mm0nS3ns3 13 days ago
  76.  "Monogamy meant I controlled her sexual expression, and, not to get all women’s-studies major about it, patriarchal oppression essentially boils down to a man’s fear that a woman with sexual agency is a woman he can’t control."
  78. This is so wrong it's incredible. Monogamy is not about controlling anyone. Monogamy is about being satisfied by the person you are with but, if we wanted to indulge this loon, if this were true then your wife is just as much in control of your "sexual expression."
  80. "For my wife, the choice between honoring our vows and fulfilling her desires was a false choice, another trap."
  82. Again, wrong. It's not a trap. It's called being a responsible adult. Seems like what this woman wants is the security and reliability of a marriage but the freedom and experimental nature of being single, to wit: have her cake and eat it too.
  84. In other words, she sounds like a self-adsorbed child and Michael sounds like a self-hating man.
  86. "What’s important is equality of opportunity, not outcome."
  88. Arguably the only thing this cuckold got right.
  90. "We take great pride in all the talking we do. I meet a lot of people who say they’ll never get married because they don’t want to get divorced, and hearing it always makes me sad, because they are cutting themselves off from the possibility of the magic that happens when two people share their lives."
  92. Again, wrong. Marriage is not one person verbally sharing their exploits with their "partner". Marriage is LITERALLY them sharing their exploits as in they do the acts together. This isn't marriage.
  94. It's roommates.
  96. "There are of course moments of jealousy, resentment, and insecurity. "
  98. Yeah, this marriage is going to collapse in on itself and you're the reason why. You don't have a partnership. You have a power relationship where you've willingly allowed yourself to be inferior instead of equal.
  100. And all I can think about is what damage this will cause your kids.
  102. Good job moron.
  103. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  104. eadgyth Aug 15, 2016
  105. Passive- aggressive much?  If he writes using his real name, he just outed his wife as a slag. Wonder if he uses this as a pick up line? Either way ,dysfunctional doesnt begin to cover this relationship.
  106. FlagLikeReply
  107. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  108. @eadgyth "Dysfunctional" wholly describes your views on sex and woman having sex.
  109. FlagLikeReply
  110. Unc0mm0nS3ns3 13 days ago
  111. @thaddeusojude @eadgyth No. Wrong.
  113. Dysfunctional - deviating from the norms of social behavior in a way regarded as bad.
  115. Is it normal, social behavior for two married people to be sleeping with out people?
  117. No, it's not so it is, by the very definition of the word, dysfunctional.
  118. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  119. colby.malsbury Aug 10, 2016
  120. Did you cut your nuts off, put them in a blender, and make a heart-healthy smoothie? You are a pathetic excuse for a 'man'.
  121. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  122. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  123. @colby.malsbury He's a pathetic excuse for a man because he is getting laid with multiple women at the same time and doesn't feel the need to control his wife's life? Weird.
  124. FlagLikeReply
  125. Unc0mm0nS3ns3 13 days ago
  126. @thaddeusojude @colby.malsbury Yes because a real man (or woman) would not need to have sex with multiple anyone other than the partner they pledged to remain true to until death do they part.
  128. That's what it means to be an adult. To make a pledge between two people and then actually stick to it.
  129. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  130. Jazmin.Marie Jul 27, 2016
  131. I think it's kinda sad that everyone is hating on the poor guy. Maybe this won't work out well maybe it will, but I'm sure they know themselves better than we do. And though I'm sure this is something I could never do with my control issues and what not, I'm happy if this works out for them and makes them both happy :)
  132. FlagLikeReply
  133. abolitionofstupidity Jul 25, 2016
  134. This is just... Sad. Sad and pathetic.
  135. FlagLikeReply
  136. SteelRat Jul 15, 2016
  137. "The first person she dated after we opened up fell hard in love with her, and my wife, overwhelmed by his ardor, tried to love him back. "
  139. Did this Michael have his balls cut off or what?!
  140. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  141. SteelRat Jul 15, 2016
  142. Michael, can you please hook me up with your wife? I'd love to bang her in your bedroom. As long as sit outside and keep quiet.
  143. FlagLike5 people like this.Reply
  144. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  145. @SteelRat It seems as though one of their rules is likely "not at home", since the article clearly states they go out and then come home. That is more than likely because of kids, etc. That's a pretty common rule for people in these relationships.
  146. FlagLikeReply
  147. carter.butler Jul 14, 2016
  148. It's a mistake to criticize the man here instead of the woman. The poor dumb bastard is the victim, psychological manipulation being just as oppressive as physical abuse. If Donald Trump is the personification of the male ego gone out of control, Mrs. Sonmore is the most poignant example for females.
  149. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  150. Thinkcali Jun 23, 2016
  151. I had 4 girlfriends at once and they all had sex with other men to support our life. It's so liberating to know I'm a feminist not a PIMP.
  152. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  153. david.morris Jun 23, 2016
  154. Humans, not just men, are naturally possessive about those they are with. My ex and I did this for a while. She would be so angry at me for screwing other girls, even if she just got done screwing other guys. Someone always feels angry and left out an open relationship. Even if both are getting laid. If one party is not getting laid... well, that will eventually make them hate themselves and require years of therapy. This guy is lying to himself about how right it is. No dude, it isn't right, you're just a cuckold. A one sided open relationship never bodes well.
  155. And even if monogamy isn't natural, what is the point in marriage? Why not just remain friends with benifits? And yes, she will eventually leave you, ironically it will probably be a guy she hasn't had sex with. When people stray it is often over other issues besides sex. Women need emotional security more than anything else. Maybe she is afraid of getting to close to one person, she doesn't want to feel vulnerable. Or like my ex, she has power and control issues... ofcourse that didn't work out for her like she wanted. She could get laid all she wanted, but it was bad if I did. That experience has taught me, it just ain't worth it. If he or she needs more than you, time to give em the boot.
  156. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  157. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  158. @david.morris Did you read the article? What about this is one-sided? He states that he also sleeps with other women. It's not the focus of the article, but he definitely states that in there...so no, it's not one-sided.
  159. FlagLikeReply
  160. 4chan Jun 22, 2016
  161. C U C K
  162. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  163. Xiron Jun 3, 2016
  164. The question is can you do the same thing and claim the same things as her and it be alright because only then are things legitimate between you two and your love is as you claim doing if not then that means your wife is a w**** and got over on you in a spectacular way that is completely soul crushing. Btw big guy it doesnt make you a feminist by going along with that there are many people that do this but one does not expect the other to not do while they get to, because in your situation you have 3 choices, Its both of you, neither of you, or there is no relationship. You should give your life Choices some more thought maybe without the wine or any alcoholic drink at that.  
  165. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  166. corruptintenz Jun 9, 2016
  167. @Xiron That is 'a' question, but I wouldn't call it 'the' question. Not in its current format. I am wondering could he do the same thing and still call himself a feminist? I am also wondering what feminism has to do with any of it vs just the warped way that Western civilization views sex, and the usual challenge around communication within relationships.
  169. It is certainly legitimate for one partner to be sexually non-monogamous while the other remains so. Happens all the time, openly or secret.
  170. FlagLikeReply
  171. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  172. @corruptintenz @Xiron But that's not even happening here! He actually mentions seeing other women. This guy is just illiterate.
  173. FlagLikeReply
  174. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  175. @Xiron "it doesnt make you a feminist by going along with that there are many people that do this but one does not expect the other to not do while they get to, because in your situation you have 3 choices, Its both of you, neither of you, or there is no relationship."
  176. Wow, another person who didn't read the article!
  178. The author ALSO sleeps with other people! He said he doesn't do at as often by personal choice, but he has ample opportunity to.
  180. How hard is it to read an entire article before responding and saying something stupid that is covered in the article?
  181. FlagLikeReply
  182. toto.luz May 28, 2016
  183. "She’d had sex before me, but only with a handful of people a handful of times".  Jeesus, man!!! Just how gullible can you be to believe that? Every girl will tell you something along those lines when talking about her sex experience. Seems to me you were the virgin in the relationship, and still are.
  184. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  185. corruptintenz Jun 9, 2016
  186. @toto.luz What does it matter if she did or if she didn't?
  187. FlagLikeReply
  188. craig.baker Apr 20, 2016
  189. you can be polyamorous without being a feminist....its actually pretty honest, author sounds more like a cuck than just straight up poly as it sounds like he lacks compersion
  190. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  191. corruptintenz Jun 9, 2016
  192. @craig.baker You can be poly without compersion. You can be monogamus within a poly relationship and not be a cuckold. You can be monogamus within a poly relationship and not having sex without being a cuckold. Happens all the time.
  193. FlagLikeReply
  194. RWMCO Apr 7, 2016
  195. I read this article many months ago. It was so appalling that today--despite so much time having passed--the latent disgust bubbled up from the recesses of my memory. I Googled it and registered an account just to leave a comment about how pathetic the writer is.
  197. Sociopolitical movements like feminism provide a great excuse for people like this to frame their failure and weakness as some kind of principled strength... whereas in previous times they would have to own up to their complete inability to get what they want out of life (which in this man's case was obviously a marriage). He can't even make it through the article without his servile misery gushing out between the lines. This article got proofread and edited, and those head-hanging lines still made it through! That really tells you something. I'd feel sorry for him, but the potential for this poisonous thinking to wreck other people's lives is too dangerous for me to feel anything but revulsion. This guy should be quarantined.
  199. Congratulations to the wife (Rainbird?) for achieving complete ownership of this man. But if you had any compassion you would've used a sperm bank and bought a Roomba.
  200. FlagLike8 people like this.Reply
  201. nilbog44 Apr 3, 2016
  202. I don't believe this is real. But if it is.... what a loser
  203. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  204. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  205. @nilbog44 What would lead you to believe it is not real?
  206. FlagLikeReply
  207. martin.halfead 9 days ago
  208. @thaddeusojude @nilbog44 The fact that everything in this story is too straw feminist. The man's name is Michael SONMORE, which contributes to its angle against male power. The fact that the man's name is somewhat immigrant sounding meaning people on Trump's side will get angry at it. The fact it talks about women's studies majors, which most men don't take. And the fact it's the only article by Michael Sonmore in existence.
  210. I hope to God this is actually fake tho, since if it is, and the marriage involves children, this marriage can only end in some sort of murder suicide pact.
  211. FlagLikeReply
  212. emilio.gaviria Mar 30, 2016
  213. Wow, where do I start? Unimaginably pathetic? Words simply cannot do justice here. A beyond-cringeworthy cuckold proud of his role as failed human being. Embarrassing isn't even the appropriate word, this will require English language gymnastics and a Shakespearean tongue to describe it's piteous depths.
  215. An absolute disgrace, by far the most offensive thing in the article was that the offer still referred to himself as a "Man".
  217. FlagLike6 people like this.Reply
  218. brendan.moran Mar 28, 2016
  219. I have my disagreements with the author's reasoning for certain, but those of you who choose to respond with bashing and name-calling have some patent insecurities. Try to imagine someone whose perspective does not precisely mirror your own - then try to understand that this represents every other human being on Earth. Maybe then you can disagree maturely and rationally instead of seeking mob-validation via bashing
  220. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  221. corruptintenz Jun 9, 2016
  222. @brendan.moran To be fair, folks in poly and cuckold relationships are saying similarly dismissive things about folks like the ones on this thread. Everyone is in a tribe. Most are in a tribe at least partially out of fear of those who are not in their tribe.
  224. Sex positivity in Western civilization is not the norm -- it is still evolving. Over time folks on both sides will learn not to be so fearful of each other, which is where these attitudes are really rooted.
  225. FlagLikeReply
  226. UnclaimedUsername Mar 15, 2016
  227. Sometimes,when I feel depressed about life, I come back to this article and read it. And suddenly everything feels better because, no matter how hard I try, I can't possibly be this pathetic.
  228. FlagLike11 people like this.Reply
  229. haeshu.kasiiki Mar 12, 2016
  230. I completely get where the author is coming from.  Infidelity is the number 1 cause for divorce.  For this couple, the possibility of being impacted by infidelity is zero.  With sex out of the way, each of them can truly discover, and express, who they are as individuals.  Then, they get to come home to a loving family, a stable household, etc.
  232. I know a couples with open relationships and it works well for them.  It does sometimes end badly, but that typically means something else was wrong to being with.
  234. If sex is so important to your marriage that if your spouse brought up want to have sex with a co-worker and your conclusion was to call an attorney for a divorce, perhaps you shouldn't be married at all because to me that marriage is pretty weak.
  235. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  236. alice.eliot Mar 19, 2016
  237. @haeshu.kasiiki
  238. "if your spouse brought up want to have sex with a co-worker and your conclusion was to call an attorney for a divorce, perhaps you shouldn't be married at all"
  240. YES, that's the point. That's why he is calling for divorce.
  241. This marriage is weak, ON HER PART.
  242. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  243. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  244. @alice.eliot @haeshu.kasiiki Why is it weak on her part?
  246. Are you another person who didn't read the article? Specifically maybe the part where he says he also sleeps with other people?
  247. FlagLikeReply
  248. erozpl01 May 26, 2016
  249. @haeshu.kasiiki maybe they shouldn't have proclaimed their desire to be FAITHFUL to each other. You know, at their WEDDING if they didn't want to be faithful. This is called being a little cuckold, plain and simple. Nothing to do with feminism.
  250. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  251. corruptintenz Jun 9, 2016
  252. @erozpl01 @haeshu.kasiiki If they communicate about it and he agrees, they are being faithful.
  253. FlagLikeReply
  254. corruptintenz Jun 9, 2016
  255. @haeshu.kasiiki It is true that monogamy or divorce are the only options is incorrect. It would be unfair to imagine that, based on how repressed sexuality and partner relations are in western civilization, that the majority of expectations aren't for a monogamous marriage, no matter how little that racks to reality, and how often it leads to decades if not a lifetime of misery.
  257. As with many things, education could solve it, but the trend does not seem to be leading in that direction. Not by way of our public institutions, anyhow.
  258. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  259. suzck01 Jul 13, 2016
  260. @haeshu.kasiiki you've clearly never been cheated on before.
  261. FlagLikeReply
  262. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  263. @suzck01 @haeshu.kasiiki I have been cheated on before but I agree with everything haeshu.kasiiki said.
  264. FlagLikeReply
  265. Fiksdal Mar 5, 2016
  266. Do you know why the majority of human cultures throughout thousands of years would have condemned what you're doing? (Even if you reverse the sexes in the story.)
  267. First of all, it's because of all the problems you mentioned in the piece itself. What you are inflicting upon yourself is contrary to all natural human dignity and love. The problems you mentioned aren't something you are going to "work through," they are only gonna get worse the longer you continue this sick practice. If you say otherwise, then frankly I believe you are deceiving yourself.
  268. The other reason is that what you are doing is only possible because of some fairly new technology that became common only a few decades ago: birth control. Since what you are doing is only possible through rubber condoms and hormone pills, it is only possible through modern technology. Therefore, it is contrary to nature. Live a natural life of monogamy, and stop deceiving yourself. I'm not against birth control in general, but in this context I think it illustrates very well that what you are doing is unnatural.
  269. Also, how do you think your kids are gonna be affected by this? And how do you think they are gonna like reading this article when they are older, and how do you think it will affect them emotionally?
  270. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  271. corruptintenz Jun 9, 2016
  272. @Fiksdal While it is true that rubber condoms have only been available for 161 years, condoms themselves have been in use since ~1450 AD.
  274. So much for that theory.
  275. FlagLikeReply
  276. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  277. @Fiksdal Haha. Oh boy you are way off. The MAJORITY of MODERN WESTERN cultures may have condemned it, sure, but that is by far NOT the MAJORITY of cultures throughout history.
  279. In fact, prior to the agricultural revolution and the invention of property rights, this was pretty much the norm. That accounts for more time as humans than everything since.
  280. FlagLikeReply
  281. apodyterion Mar 3, 2016
  282. I looked up "self-deception" in the dictionary, and I saw Michael Sonmore's picture.
  283. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  284. mbsq Feb 27, 2016
  285. You're an idiot
  286. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  287. emilliano.leguizamon Feb 25, 2016
  288. Absolutely disgusting! Shame on you and youre wife! You shouldnt be alowed to keep your kids you perverted sicko!
  289. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  290. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  291. @emilliano.leguizamon You probably do something that Michael doesn't like and therefore you shouldn't be allowed to have kids, too!
  292. FlagLikeReply
  293. nathanial.vigder Feb 20, 2016
  294. I don't know what to say. My brain hurts now. There is so much self lying going on here. I feel sorry for your kids, when your marriage has gone down the drain, and your innocent kids are made to suffer because their irresponsible parents needed to get their rocks off with as many partners as they could. This is just.....why are you even bothering to stay married? Marriage without fidelity is just a piece of paper that means absolutely nothing. This is just weak. A good husband and wife stay faithful to each other. That's a big part of what makes a successful marriage. If you can't stay faithful, then go out and find the person you can be faithful to. This is.....ouch. No. Just no. I cant. No. Uh uh.
  295. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  296. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  297. @nathanial.vigder
  298. Faithful?
  299. 1. strict or thorough in the performance of duty. 2. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.
  300. 1. Please show me where they are not being thorough in performance of duty by staying married and raising children together.
  301. 2. Please show me where they are not staying true to their words and promises. By talking about this and making a decision together, they are staying true to their words as nothing is being hidden or lied about.
  302. FlagLikeReply
  303. CapitolHillMOTH Feb 15, 2016
  304. And of course, I then go on to wonder how much alcohol is required, on an ongoing basis, for it to continue to seem like a good idea. And conversely, what would happen to the whole house of cards if the bottle were taken away.
  305. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  306. CapitolHillMOTH Feb 15, 2016
  307. I haven't read all 1300 comments . . . but am I the only one who noticed the significant role that alcohol appears to have played in this whole situation? He writes that it required a vast ocean of red wine before this arrangement came to seem like a good idea. This strikes me as not a coincidence.
  308. FlagLike5 people like this.Reply
  309. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  310. @CapitolHillMOTH It's often easier to talk about possibly uncomfortable subjects by partaking in alcohol. The fact is, once it wore off, they still want to do this.
  311. FlagLikeReply
  312. nyc2016 Feb 14, 2016
  313.  this is perfect -- I felt this way before I started dating, once I started dating, once I began having sex, once I met the person I love and want to marry, now as a newlywed.  I've always felt this way and am now walking this path with my partner.
  314. I just met someone last night whom I spoke with on this topic and I relayed the same information not as a sermon, but as a conversation and a relaying of my perspective and experience.  I believe it is very healthy IF it is what you and your partner are comfortable with (or are willing to work at) and I am happy to see more people sharing this because it unfortunately is not brought to the surface enough in American conversation.
  316. loved it ! :-)
  317. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  318. alice.eliot Mar 19, 2016
  319. @nyc2016
  320. "I believe it is very healthy IF it is what you and your partner are comfortable with (or are willing to work at)"
  322. NO, it's only if you and your partner both want this. "Willing to work"- will not work.
  324. The one "willing to work", will eventually become fed up with this bullshit and get pissed, or completely lose all self respect to the point of needing a therapy.
  325. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  326. Grandma68 Feb 13, 2016
  327. No, Mr. Sonmore, monogamy does not mean you control her sexual expression.  Monogamy is the practice of having just one sexual partner.  The first position is value-laden, political, repressive; the second, a morally neutral mutual commitment.  Given that feminism is the belief that women should have rights and opportunities equal to men, your insistence that your equanimity with your wife having multiple sexual partners constitutes a feminist position indicates that you believe a married man has the right to have multiple sexual partners, whIle a woman ordinarily does not. This is at best a cynical view of marriage.  Furthermore, seeing monogamy as you controlling her sexual expression but not her controlling yours is a blatant antifeminist belief. There is feminism and there is nonsense, and I can tell the difference.
  328. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  329. SBiberkopf May 27, 2016
  330. @Grandma68 Well said.
  331. FlagLikeReply
  332. KT29 Feb 13, 2016
  333. I sense a lot of insecurities (male and female), naivety, blind religious beliefs and misogyny from so many of the comments I've browsed. How do you people think websites such as Ashley Madison for example are so successful? Based on numerous researches almost 80% of married couples have experienced infidelity or the desire to commit such. The majority of it we never hear about and never will because these couples continue on with their marriages usually with repeated episodes of infidelity. Religion and society has taught us that we can repent and all is well even though said repenter's are repeat offenders. Many people in committed relationships and marriages have admitted to emotional and mental cheating. Who are we to judge this couple for being honest with each other and being open to the concept of a marriage that is not ideal to our current societal beliefs?
  334. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  335. RWMCO Apr 7, 2016
  336. @KT29 We're judging him for being an idiot and letting his wife talk him into something he very obviously doesn't want to do.
  337. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  338. SBiberkopf May 27, 2016
  339. @KT29 It took him an "ocean of red wine" to get to this state.  Yeah you can convince yourself of a lot of things if you're drunk most of the time.
  340. FlagLikeReply
  341. david.morris Jun 23, 2016
  342. @KT29 it's not that they are in an open relationship.  People are judging him, largely because he is such a coward as to not tell his wife how he feels. And that the marriage is obviously one sided. He cares about losing her, but she doesn't care about losing him.
  343. FlagLikeReply
  344. thearcade Feb 12, 2016
  345. marriage, you are doing it wrong...  Please do a follow up post when your marriage is over and you tell us your kids are both in therapy.  That or grow the hell up and be an adult for your children.  Playtime is over and you are choosing your own selfish gratification over being a father or a husband.  
  346. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  347. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  348. @thearcade http://www.vice.com/read/i-grew-up-in-a-polyamorous-household-528
  349. FlagLikeReply
  350. martinhieber Feb 12, 2016
  351. Honestly, this guy isn't a feminist, he's just feminine. His wife has him completely emasculated. He's trying to cope with his castration anyway possible and is trying to present to everyone via the internet that he is a "modern" man. Complete B.S.
  352. ....Reality check pal, you sound and act like a woman. I'm sure that that has something, if not everything, to do with your wife looking to other men. Still, I don't care about your problems, but I do care about the fact that you are pushing them on other men and women and trying to justify yourself as fulfilled. You're not fulfilled; you're complacent. You're not satisfied; you're in denial. You can't satisfy your woman, so she has strayed. SImple. Fact.
  353. In my eyes you are pathetic... I actually thought a woman was typing this article at first. psshhh.
  354. FlagLike6 people like this.Reply
  355. HarryDresdon Feb 11, 2016
  356. As long as it's working for you and you feel like you're not losing your identity, then more power to you. Sadly, my bet is that you two won't last long, just a guess if I had to put money on it. While you're at it though, you may as well take advantage of the open marriage and date other women more. If it truly doesn't mean anything (as in a threat to the marriage) then you should also maximize the situation and take the opportunity to expand on your sexual identity and experience with as many other women as you can. Find out where your boundaries truly are and experiment more.
  358. You never know what you may find.
  359. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  360. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  361. @HarryDresdon He says in the article that he dates other women.
  362. FlagLikeReply
  363. chad.zallas Feb 11, 2016
  364. You are in a confusing, unhealthy relationship and you are only lying to yourself. You are not a feminist. You have been emasculated.
  366. If this blog was written with  the roles reversed, it would be your crucifixion warrant.
  367. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  368. tr3467 Feb 10, 2016
  369. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.  1 Corinthians 7:2
  370. FlagLikeReply
  371. whine.merchant Feb 10, 2016
  372. What’s important is equality of opportunity, not outcome.
  373. Not according to SJWs.
  374. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  375. david.morris Jun 23, 2016
  376. @whine.merchant unless you're white, ofcourse. You know, all that "privalege" we have... :/
  377. FlagLikeReply
  378. john.cristos Feb 10, 2016
  379. There is male feminism and then there is this dope. Don't get married if you don't want to be monogamous. We can't start redefining things until they lose all meaning. Why marry and then complain? Redefine yourself as a primate, ethnicity, be a male triangle.
  380. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  381. SBiberkopf May 27, 2016
  382. @john.cristos I was a dodecahedron once when I was on acid.
  383. FlagLikeReply
  384. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  385. @john.cristos We can certainly redefine archaic words and concepts as we see fit. All marriages do not work the same to begin with, nor do all relationships.
  386. FlagLikeReply
  387. punkrockgirl Feb 10, 2016
  388. "What open marriage taught one man about feminism."  - that his wife was cunning enough to frame her desire to sleep with other men in terms of sexual politics and that he was desperate enough to believe it.
  390. Do whatever you like in your own bedroom but for the love of god do not parade open relationships around like they are the next logical step in feminist evolution.  It's patently offensive to imply that fidelity and monogamy in this day and age are only practiced because of an oppressive patriarchal construct.  
  391. FlagLike11 people like this.Reply
  392. keeen Feb 10, 2016
  393. Nope.  It's simply a false dichotomy to equate feminism and polyamory.  Some feminists prefer an open relationship, some do not, and the one does not necessitate the other.
  395. Good luck with that marriage, though.  I'm glad you seem to be convinced that you're happy.
  396. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  397. snowbuzzard Feb 10, 2016
  398. Yikes. You're at home with the kids with the sun coming up, wondering if your spouse has left you or only been murdered by a rando. What a life.
  399. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  400. Osiris.Angel Feb 9, 2016
  401. What Open Marriage Taught One Man About Feminism
  402. *cough* Bullsh^t *cough*
  403. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  404. mcfc Feb 9, 2016
  405. Painfully odd. Married a bit too soon?..Ultimately rationalizing a failed concept of marriage. If it truly is working for them, great, however to be an apologist for the couples shortcomings adds nothing but fuel to the fire of gender politics(in a bad way) of which "cuckold" no longer applies. Good for them(?) --keep breaking down what is understood to be healthy boundaries--  just like a prior commentators introductory statement:
  406. "I am totally in favor of open relationships. Have been in three and regret nothing."
  407. FlagLikeReply
  408. OmegaMan Feb 9, 2016
  409. Milo Yiannopoulos Hates Feminism
  411. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiESisEL43c
  412. Milo Yiannopoulos Hates FeminismMilo Yiannopoulos Hates Feminism
  413. FlagLikeReply
  414. cutcar Feb 9, 2016
  415. Sorry, but I don't fall for you feminist argument. Actually, I think it's pretty insulting for feminists. Your so called feminism is not more than a solution for a boring marriage.
  416. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  417. lori.hamrick Feb 9, 2016
  418. this is not a marriage, this is two room mates raising kids together  
  419. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  420. tempac1234 Jan 24, 2016
  421. When I saw this on another site I thought it was a joke, imagine my disbelief when I discovered this article was actually real. :D
  423. Biggest cuck of all time award goes to Michael Sonmore, well done mate.
  424. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  425. Ehead Jan 3, 2016
  426. This isn't feminism and it isn't being an adult. You and your wife violated a contract you made with each other. There is nothing adult about that, you shouldn't of gotten married if you couldn't follow through with those agreements. Marriage is not for everyone, just be an adult and admit it wasn't for you two.
  427. There is another word you should use besides feminism, it's cuckold. That's what this is, you can try to use whatever excuse you want about how this is some kind of stand for female rights, but it's not. Its just another person with the relationship power abusing the weak person in the relationship. It has happened with men and women equally since the beginning of time. Good try trying to rationalize the emotional abuse you two are doing to each other though.
  428. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  429. thaddeusojude Aug 16, 2016
  430. @Ehead Nobody violated a contract. Were you at their wedding? Did they vow to never sleep with anybody else? Did they agree to be faithful, maybe? And then, by discussing this and not lying or hiding anything, they were faithful? Hmm!
  431. FlagLikeReply
  432. mark.barkowski Dec 17, 2015
  433. This entire story is like a woman asking a guy to wear a dress and when he balks at the notion she says, "You know a man who's comfortable with his masculinity wouldn't have a problem wearing a dress," so he does. Then come the earings, and makeup, and before he realizes it, she's laughing hysterically and snapping photos to show her girlfriends over cosmos.
  434. You are a chump Michael. An unbelievable chump.
  435. Any guy who tried to pull on his wife, what your narcissistic wife pulled on you would have to deal with a crying, potentially angry spouse immediately, and a marriage counselor later.
  436. But I'm guessing like the analogy I wrote above she had an "answer" for every single problem you brought up.
  437. "No babe, don't you understand? Me sleeping with other men proves you love me MORE, not less."
  438. "I don't need your permission. What you think you own me?"
  439. "And of course you could do it too with other women, I mean that's fair."
  440. (Only saying that so you'll agree. Knows you don't have an interest in it, and that it's infinitely easier for women to pick up men. Meaning you probably use your night outs to hang with your friends, meanwhile She's hooking up with new guys every week)
  441. Then after agreeing to this idiotic arrangement, you don't even learn where shes going to be at a given moment or with who?! Are you both mentally damaged?
  442. I can't wait until this results in her death or yours.
  443. When one of her paramours gets it into his head that he could have her to himself if you were out of the picture. Or becomes enraged when she breaks off the affair.
  444. Your children are smarter individually than you and your wife's combined intelligence.
  445. Please let this article be satire.
  446. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  447. Datawoman Dec 5, 2015
  448. So Feminism means endorsing your spouse sleeping with others?  When I imagine my husband making a similar request, I would not call letting him do that and snuggling with him afterwards "feminism".  I'd call that mental illness on my part, and psychological abuse on his part.
  450. This guy needs help, and maybe a pair of balls, and some self-respect.
  451. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  452. wilderness.crier Dec 4, 2015
  453. I am in so much pain for this guy it's not funny at all. Imagine being married to a sociopath like that?! It's too painful to even imagine. She's taking him for a ride and somewhere in the back of his mind he knows it. We all know it, but yet there are those immoral, demonic souls who would trivialize what is gong on here for the sake of a sick twisted, misandrist ideal! No mater how humans want to slice it today, monogamy is implanted into our very DNA! The mutual respect that co-joins a single male as protector provider to a single female nourish-er and caregiver to produce offspring that BOTH care for each in their natural way forming the single indomitable family unit, the building block of society, is the very concept what has enabled the species to survive and thrive this long. We've caviled at polygamy from the ages, not because of insecurity but because it is not conducive to long term SURVIVAL. It creates misfits in the gene pool and mis-arbitration of resources and generally is not good for overall well being despite what any perverted so-called "scientists" want to say about "polygamist species of animals" as if this were supposed to be a pattern for the noble human being to follow! That the guy cannot see the blatant disrespect and disregard for him going on here is truly alarming and indicative of the evil nature of the times! No seriously now, do you REALLY think it is respect to a man for him to knowingly raise up offspring that he is sure cannot be his, that were conceived by someone else WHILE he was with the woman?! Are you really going to sit with a straight face and say that is respectful to that man?! Does his feeling matter?! Is he an important part of this world or only her?! This world is sick
  454. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  455. eyog.yvonlonce Nov 18, 2015
  456. Wow! You sir are a hero of feminism, an example for the future generations, a man among men. I could go on and on with the praises; this is so inspiring. You are right there where they wanted you letting your partner get the better deal.
  457. Now I wonder whether feminism gives a dime about your own feelings and your own emancipation. If you are sad, unsatisfied, frustrated and feel disrespected because of mother feminism perhaps one could argue that feminism is the new misogyny.
  458. I hope you are well and that this life of feminist praise and approval work for your best interest and self-appreciation and self-content.
  459. As for me I am happy you made your humiliation public, making a fool of yourself so that others can see the beauty of mother feminism and love it now as much as I do. I find your thought process very disturbing and disgusting. It is almost as though you think and feel you are less human than women, I pity you.
  460. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  461. nicole.montalvo Nov 17, 2015
  462. I have to say the comments on here are so closed minded & hateful. Nobody is even trying to understand how an open marriage works. Just because its not your relationship doesn't mean there's no way it can work. Its not for everyone & its extremely unfair to judge & pick apart his words. Its HIS experience. Everyone needs to get off their judgemental high horse.
  463. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  464. On..Ron Mar 2, 2016
  465. @nicole.montalvo You just judged others for judging...lol
  466. FlagLikeReply
  467. airbornewilson Nov 12, 2015
  468. This article gave me cancer.  
  469. FlagLikeReply
  470. loohooCImhome Nov 8, 2015
  471. I thought this article was wonderful.  When my spouse and I met, I was in the throngs of the author's conclusion...and 15 years later, arguments, issues, self-doubt, what-have-you have put me in the opposite category emotionally, despite believing such sexual demands on my spouse are wrong - and still being extremely connected and in love with him. I am surrounded by conservatives and bigots of society - all who constantly feed me their narrow-minded judgements and some of whom don't realize that I KNOW they are cheaters.  I have never cheated, never wanted him to cheat, nor do I want to cheat or create such a situation - yet if you amalgamate the statistics of numerous studies, 50-60% of males (and 30-40% females) who believe cheating is wrong - cheat.  My spouse is lovely and wonderful but I know he has struggled with the idea of cheating in some situations - how do I know?  Because we are lucky enough to have a relationship with open communication. I have been tempted as well..yet here we both are - still together.  How refreshing to have this perspective recategorized by a man...willing to "emasculate" himself publicly by society's narrow-minded standards. For me, I plan to move forward.  I would rather have an open, honest relationship than a hypocritical one.
  472. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  473. cody.kent Nov 6, 2015
  474. This is the very epitome of what feminism does to a man. Turns him into a self loathing cuck with zero balls.
  475. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  476. MrShekels Nov 2, 2015
  477. Confessions of a beta male cuckold.... No wonder these people want gun control, its because they are moments away from blowing their own brains out cause they are so misserabel
  478. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  479. MrShekels Nov 2, 2015
  480. Jesus what a cuck this guy is, i imagine he`s a guy with hipster glasses and a beta male neckbeard
  481. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  482. King.Logxn Mar 13, 2016
  483. @MrShekels My closest friend uses the word "Sheckles" as a term for "treat" when he speaks to his dog, and also uses the term "Beta-male" to belittle people often. I believe you are his doppelganger.
  484. FlagLikeReply
  485. mike.clark Oct 30, 2015
  486. 'patriarchal oppression essentially boils down to a man’s fear that a woman with sexual agency is a woman he can’t control.'
  488. 'When my wife told me she wanted to open our marriage and take other lovers, she wasn’t rejecting me, she was embracing herself. When I understood that, I finally became a feminist.'
  489. Was this article a joke? I actually can't tell if this is a parody or not.
  490. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  491. christopher.day1 Dec 8, 2015
  492. @mike.clark
  493. I like to do the does it work both ways test.
  494. Matriarchal oppression essentially boils down to a woman’s fear that a man with sexual agency is a woman he can’t control.'
  495. Would most women who are with a man trying to force an open relationship not view the man as oppressive, as opposed to living out their expressive desire?
  496. This man would certainly think that way.  
  497. He just boiled down his being upset as aggressive control, and women being upset as not.  Or alternatively that a man sleeping around is certainly still controlling his wife who wants to be monagamous...
  498. Such ignorance.  And yes.  He was serious.
  499. FlagLikeReply
  500. da.doktor Oct 25, 2015
  501. Being a cuckold is something which turns me on. Wish I could be like you. The humiliation is such a sexual turn on.
  502. FlagLikeReply
  503. shlomo.goldsteinwitz Oct 26, 2015
  504. @da.doktor Just move to Sweden, my friend!
  505. FlagLikeReply
  506. shlomo.goldsteinwitz Oct 23, 2015
  507. This article taught me that /pol/ was right again.
  508. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  509. windy.johnson Oct 23, 2015
  510. sounds like a chump to me.
  511. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  512. kain8675 Oct 22, 2015
  513. I watch my wife have sex with other men because (I enjoy seeing it), not because I a feminist. She does so because (I asked) and because to be frankly honest I am a pervert. Don't call a giraffe a zebra. If you are doing something kinky in your marriage for any other reason than mutual enjoyment, you have no business doing it. To be honest your wife doesn't even sound like the kind of person that should, could or would be trusted for anything like that. My advice and this is coming from a legitimate pervert, get the hell out of that marriage before you lose your mind completely and go psychotic.
  514. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  515. kain8675 Oct 22, 2015
  516. From one perv to another, stop fooling yourself.
  517. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  518. 3058 Oct 13, 2015
  519. I must say, I found this article after googling something along the lines of "fear of infidelity after becoming a dad".
  520. At first I was disgusted but by the end of the article I felt a powerful sense of resolution and encouragement.
  521. This came from the realization that I'm not you in any way. I'm diametrically opposite of you. Michael, you are the cuck king.
  522. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  523. 3058 Oct 13, 2015
  524. Lol cuck
  525. FlagLikeReply
  526. kelly.grey Oct 13, 2015
  527. Imagine the wailing and the acrimony if we switched these two roles.
  529. I sat down with my wife and over a bottle of red wine, we decided that I needed to express my sexuality by sleeping with any women I felt like while she stayed home and raised the kids.  Now granted, I would come home and regale her with tales of my sexual exploits, because let's face it; me telling my wife about my sexual encounters with other women is pretty hot.  She has come to view this sacrifice as something that builds our relationship and my philandering has brought us closer together.
  531. This would make the cable news cycle.  This makes Mad Men look pedestrian.  
  533. This is either a complete absence of self-esteem on Michael's part, an acceptance that this is the price you pay if you don't want to have a job (a choice that feminism has long decried - even in the context of a committed monogamous relationship) or it is simply a fetish realized.
  535. My bet is on a complete absence of self-esteem.  People with this kind of fetish don't tend to talk about how they had to overcome so much - they just think it's hot.  If it was simply a way to live off of someone else, you would probably just keep quiet about it instead of justifying it in terms of being some empowering (for her) expression of quasi feminist beliefs.  Most feminists didn't think a woman sitting back saying that she is fine with her husband sleeping around as long as she gets paid is really setting the bar higher.
  537. I feel bad for you Michael.  The lie you have convinced yourself of is a painful one I am sure.  You aren't going to convince anyone that the constant fear of infidelity is bringing you two closer together.  Hopefully some day you come to your senses and get a decent divorce settlement.
  538. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  539. shlomo.goldsteinwitz Oct 12, 2015
  540. C U C K
  541. U        
  542. C        
  543. K
  545. This is the cuckold manifesto.
  546. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  547. ilovemagnets Oct 10, 2015
  548. you make statements as they are irrefutable truths, e.g. "if she only likes sex with her husband or boyfriend, she’s boring and lame" and "We both know no one ever says it [Hardest work in the world] to a woman". This is absolutely ridiculous. Do whatever you want with your life, but don't try to justify it - you don't have to justify it in the first place anyway - with bogus statements.
  549. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  550. ilovemagnets Oct 10, 2015
  551. you make statements as they are irrefutable truths, e.g. "if she only likes sex with her husband or boyfriend, she’s boring and lame" and "We both know no one ever says it [Hardest work in the world] to a woman". This is absolutely ridiculous. Do whatever you want with your life, but don't try to justify it - you don't have to justify it in the first place anyway - with bogus statements.
  552. FlagLikeReply
  553. michael.simons Oct 24, 2015
  554. @ilovemagnets Isn't saying do whatever with your life then saying don't try to justify it kind of odd? Through context I would discern you are directly dissatisfied with this human, but why say such a thing, specifically?
  555. FlagLikeReply
  556. ken.leek Oct 8, 2015
  557. In my 43 years of being alive on earth, I have never heard someone refer to a woman who only wants to sleep with her husband or boyfriend as boring. "Loyal", "devoted", and even "normal" would be terms more associated with the trait of not wanting to sleep with other people while in a committed relationship.
  558. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  559. hen1000 Oct 7, 2015
  560. Can't help it but I have to show you the "dark side".  I've been married 5 years.  I get breakfast in bed every morning for 5 straight years, and recently started getting nightly massages from my wife, because she wants me to be healthy.  I can only tell a few of my buddies in real life about this.  I am happy for obvious reasons, and like your relationship, my wife and I have never been closer.
  562. I am all for feminism and have been since college.  I have always been referred to as a"very nice guy" by the girls.  I am the type who never flirts with other girls and would go straight home after work.  However, I understand my personality well, and knows that anybody with a strong personality just wouldn't work.  There is not much I can offer them.
  564. I had to go out of my way to find someone from a conservative culture with a mild personality and a giving nature to marry.  Never regretted it.  Don't know, but I sense a little bit of me in you.  Registered just for this comment.  For other nice guys out there.
  565. FlagLikeReply
  566. Grayvine Sep 4, 2015
  567. I don't know what I expected from the comments but all I see is hate, blame and people judging this couple and this man, making assumptions and accusations in their own heads because you cannot even fathom the idea of an open relationship.
  569. If you see marriage as a bond between one man and one woman, that is fine.  You're allowed.
  571. If you see marriage as a bond between one man and another man.  That is also fine, same for a woman and another woman.
  573. If you see marriage as a bond between you and another, that you can open up... that is also fine.
  575. What matters is you talk to your partner, you find the person who is right for you, you are true, honest and are able to be yourself with them and they are able to do the same for you.
  577. I am a man, and I was involved with a couple who wanted to open up their relationship, I've also been involved in one myself.  What happened with the couple?  They split up, why?  Not because of sex, or because of me but because of other problems that happened and the two of them finding out they just weren't right for each other.  The girl was the one I was friends with, she is now engaged, has a home and is with a man who loves her.  They both sleep with other people and come back to each other.
  579. As for myself?  I'm involved with a girl who spent a weekend at another man's house.  I then myself, had a few days at another girl's house.  We spoke to each other about the fun we had, what we got up to and it was one of the most exciting conversations that we had, we teased each other, got each other so fired up and had one of the most amazing and unrelenting sexual experiences we've ever had with each other.
  581. People who are in healthy open relationships/marriages will tell you similar stories and you don't have to believe them but you also don't have to believe that gravity exists as it's still going to happen regardless of your thoughts on the matter.
  583. My idea of love and acceptance was also taught to me by my Grandparents.  They were born in the same block of apartments and knew each other all their lives, loving each other pretty much through all of them.  They stayed true to one another their whole lives.  Sadly my Grandad passed away and my Gran misses him every single day, even though he passed more than a good few years ago.  They were monogamous and it was a prime example of pure love I have ever seen, but what made that love so pure was that they accepted each other wholly and completely.
  585. It is very difficult to be polygamous, you can see the judging, the assuming and the blaming or victimising right underneath you.  We are happy to be this way and we are happy to be someone who accepts us as we accept them, just as you are with your partner, in whatever ways you show and accept your love for each other.
  587. I am not you, you are not me.
  589. Do not judge me by the standards you have for yourself and I will not judge you by my own.
  591. Simply put:  "Be excellent to each other."
  592. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  593. TheInfiniteBeyond Sep 7, 2015
  594. @Grayvine Dude, I'm sorry, but nearly every comment on this article you have made consist entirely of you defending the author or your own views on polygamous relationships. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you are projecting your own insecurities.
  595. FlagLike6 people like this.Reply
  596. xyle666 Sep 23, 2015
  597. @TheInfiniteBeyond @Grayvine you nailed it on the head. he is a prime example of the man who has switched his testosterone to estrogen.
  598. FlagLike5 people like this.Reply
  599. TheInfiniteBeyond Sep 7, 2015
  600. @Grayvine
  601. FlagLikeReply
  602. lance.lopez Sep 23, 2015
  603. @Grayvine Stop being a hoe, and stop enabling other hoes.
  604. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  605. allahspeaks Sep 26, 2015
  606. @Grayvine You should get together with the author of this article and the two of you can exchange sandwich-making tips.
  608. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  609. eyog.yvonlonce Nov 18, 2015
  610. @Grayvine Idiots merit nothing but beating and mockery. Who knows that might bring them back to their senses.
  612. FlagLikeReply
  613. Blondie247 Aug 28, 2015
  614. It's obvious they are both too selfish to care what happens to the others they start relationships with or what repercussions their actions have on anybody else (including their own children). They look at others as not human individuals but their own playthings.
  615. FlagLike10 people like this.Reply
  616. Cindyloowhovian Feb 5, 2016
  617. http://www.stuffmomnevertoldyou.com/podcasts/are-open-relationships-healthier/
  618. FlagLikeReply
  619. Koenig Feb 10, 2016
  620. @Cindyloowhovian Open relationships, a weak mind's excuse for its lack of focus and compassion for just one person. Attentionspan seems to deteriorate here too. There's nothing grand about open marriage, all it is is a selfish desire for more sex, rather  than a desire for a deep, meaningful relationship. Pathetic. The initial problem does not lie with living for and with one person only, it lies with unbound greediness for more and more, quantity over quality. YOUR mind is not enough, not the other person, becasue in the end you're saying: You are not enough, i want someone else.
  621. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  622. saucywombat Feb 10, 2016
  623. @Koenig @Cindyloowhovian
  624. [Having multiple children, a weak mind's excuse for its lack of focus and compassion for just one child. Attention span seems to deteriorate here too. There's nothing grand about multiple children, all it is is a selfish desire for more kids, rather  than a desire for a deep, meaningful relationship with one. Pathetic. The initial problem does not lie with living for and with one child only, it lies with unbound greediness for more and more, quantity over quality. YOUR one child is not enough, because in the end you're saying: You are not enough, i want another child.]
  626. So which of your children do you love the most? or which of your siblings did your parents love the most? Hopefully the answer is that you love different people in different ways. Humans are socially wired to maintain multiple meaningful social bonds. It's only culture & patriarchy that tell us that for family this is good & right while for romance it's evil & selfish.
  627. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  628. john.cristos Feb 10, 2016
  629. That has nothing to do with marriage. A choice defined by losing choices. Humans build and construct rules.
  630. FlagLikeReply
  631. jhutch Aug 27, 2015
  632. To those questioning how this couple's choices for their relationships affect those they go out on dates with outside of said marriage: the responsible thing to do is to be up front with extramarital partners. If the author's wife didn't do that with the poor guy who fell hard for her, that's her error. But it sounds like each is approaching the situation methodically, so if the guy fell hard for her knowing what he was in for at the start, then that's really due to his choices, not hers.
  633. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  634. marsha.smith Aug 27, 2015
  635. Nobody seems to be talking about this aspect:
  637. "I don’t want her to fall in love with anyone else, and every time she goes on a date, I confront the possibility that she might. It happened at the beginning: The first person she dated after we opened up fell hard in love with her, and my wife, overwhelmed by his ardor, tried to love him back."
  639. What happened to this poor schmuck who fell in love with her?  Doesn't anybody care that he got left in the dirt?  What kind of damage is this nonsense creating on other people's lives?
  641. FlagLike7 people like this.Reply
  642. xyle666 Sep 23, 2015
  643. @marsha.smith people dont care as long as they can do whatever the hell they want to. if they did care in the first place, neither the woman or the man in the marriage would be sleeping with others.
  644. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  645. john.cristos Feb 10, 2016
  646. Communism, you share your wife. Capitalism, you sell your wife.
  647. Male feminism, you complain and whine.
  648. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  649. Lupa Jul 12, 2016
  650. @marsha.smith  Probably no more than the damage that happens when someone falls hard for somebody who doesn't reciprocate their feelings (for what ever reason), happens every day.
  654. FlagLikeReply
  655. savannah.stephens Aug 26, 2015
  656. This article made me cringe. Sexis an expression of deep love to me. My husband nor I could ever imagine or yearn for sex with someone else. The thought would never cross our minds because our sex life is so amazing. We try new positions, outfits, rough, or sensual. There's always new things to try to change the experience without having to change your partner. Marriage is a sacred vow and adultery is a sin. I can ultimately guarantee this man and his wife will not last in their marriage. I challenge him to write an article 10 years from now and enlighten everyone on whether or not his wife left him for someone else or if he finally reached his breaking point over her increasing sexual escapades.
  657. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  658. saucywombat Feb 10, 2016
  659. @savannah.stephens How does the fact that this couple does things differently than you threaten your marriage? Is this article saying that you should do this? If you don't want to, don't do it. But don't proclaim that anybody who does things different than you are wrong.  
  661. This sounds precisely like the arguments against gay marriage. 'It's wrong for them because Its not what I would chose for me.'
  662. Nobody is asking you to. Sonmore is only sharing some things he's learned by trying, and you got to hear about those lessons w/o having to try it yourself.
  664. Oh, and lots of those '10 years on' articles already exist.
  666. FlagLikeReply
  667. ronny.abraham Aug 25, 2015
  668. Thought experiment.  Reverse the pronouns and the gender of the names.
  670. I tried this.  Very interesting.
  671. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  672. 1488 Aug 28, 2015
  673. @ronny.abraham And it would be totally anti-feminist all of a sudden. Because feminism is not about "freedom" it is about women who hate men but can't be without so they try to subjugate them.
  674. FlagLikeReply
  675. Sudarshan Aug 25, 2015
  676. I am totally in favor of open relationships. Have been in three and regret nothing.
  678. Nevertheless, the author´s case does not look like a healthy one.There are way too many references to endurance, overcoming, acceptance. It sounds all the time like he is grieving the situation. The whole text has a lamenting tone.
  680. Like this bit: "This has been the great challenge of my open marriage: to draw strength from vulnerability. Doing so requires supreme self-confidence."  - looks like it has been a painful experience, one he mostly survives through.
  682. As I have put before, I have been in open relationships but I would not be if either myself or my partner were struggling like the author seems to be.
  683. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  684. jeremywolf81 Aug 25, 2015
  685. This isn't a beta male this is an omega male.  This is the guy that makes the 98 pound weakling getting sand kicked in his face look like Charles Atlas.  "Hey honey I want my cake and eat it too.  You're going to be the house servant and I'm going to spread my legs for anything I like"  "And me too?"  "Nope you're mine"  "Mmmm okay dear :( "  And look I'm all for sexual freedom and all that, but I've seen a lot of open relationships and I have never ever seen one that didn't explode into a massive ball of hurt and drama.  
  686. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  687. xyle666 Sep 23, 2015
  688. @jeremywolf81 happens every time, what cracks me up is when people say it wasnt because it was open, it was because of other problems. those other problems arrive because of the open relationship.
  689. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  690. whine.merchant Feb 10, 2016
  691. @jeremywolf81  I will do anything to keep you and my nest.  Even lie to myself...
  692. FlagLikeReply
  693. robert.knight Aug 23, 2015
  694. "I just don’t use mine as much as my wife uses hers."
  696. Like, probably NEVER.
  697. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  698. Tom_Smith Aug 23, 2015
  699. LOL..the beta male speaks.
  700. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  701. jared.gonzales Aug 22, 2015
  702. This is actually pretty sad..that woman of his was shopping at a dollar store but then realized that it was broken and now she surfs the mall for new temporary items and leave that dollar store item in the basement watching over what it made
  703. I am truly sorry not just for your life...but for the sake of your entire household
  704. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  705. he4ts3eker Aug 21, 2015
  706. I think Rainbird is the guy himself, trying to defend and justify his lifestyle, which is kinda admirable in itself.
  707. My only problem with this article is the feminist message its trying to get across. If it was written the same way without the word 'feminist' in it it wouldn't even change 1%.
  708. As for the point of the story though, if I would ever get into an open relationship/marriage I certainly wouldn't stay back at home watching the kids while my wife's out doing countless guys. I'd try to do at least as many women as she did men while also working on my career and professional lifestyle. Otherwise I couldn't live with myself.
  709. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  710. he4ts3eker Aug 21, 2015
  711. lol
  712. FlagLikeReply
  713. NobodyAtALL Aug 20, 2015
  714. Has anyone else called out Rainbird as this cuckold's wife?
  715. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  716. adam.cooper Aug 14, 2015
  717. This dross is probably written by a female feminist using a male pseudonym.
  718. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  719. js21795 Aug 13, 2015
  720. This man simply has too low of self esteem to force his wife to honor her marital commitment to him.  If she wants to sleep with other guys, she has a right to do that but only if they divorce.  I would argue deciding to renegotiate your marital vows mid marriage is unethical in the first place.
  721. It isn't a feminism thing, its about boundaries.  He deserves to be #1 to someone.  He deserves someone to love him before all others and he is doing the same for her.  
  722. I think the reason she doesn't love him/attracted to him anymore is because he is such a passive non dominant guy.  He needs to leave this abusive relationship and find a girl who will put him first like he is putting her first so that they have a relationship of equals.
  723. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  724. Rainbird Aug 19, 2015
  725. @js21795 Because "man does not beat on chest" you judge her to not love him?  You need to understand love and sex are not always the same thing.  It is hot to be attracted and feel attraction from someone else.  If a couple can use that energy, and share it between them, it is amazing.  That is why open relationships exist.  Millions of them.  You don't have to understand.  I think though to judge everyone just because they don't meet your moral criteria or like something different than you do, shows a very narrow mindset.
  726. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  727. V1t0rC0st4 Sep 4, 2015
  728. @Rainbird @js21795 I doubt that. Polygamy isn't accepted in America yet. And still, this title carry a good contradiction: "Open" and "Marriage" can't be applied like this, because "Marriage" aren't "Open". This ring in your hand aren't meaningless! And what about theirs kids? Didn't they had thinked about that? How these humans in development will be able to understand the actual situation of their parents? We all know than love and sex aren't the same thing, however, we don't have sex with another men or women in marriage because when we get married, we start having responsability and respect. We don't have sex with everyone because we respect our husband/wife. That girl is cheating on his husband, the only difference here, is that he knows, have proof and yet, didn't get the divorce. I still trying to see how he still have a self-steem...
  729. FlagLikeReply
  730. Ehead Jan 3, 2016
  731. @Rainbird Yes there is a whole hot wife culture. However there is a distinct difference between that culture and this man. The hot wifers push their wives to do this sort of thing and revel in the details. It excites them and turns them on. This guy on the other hand writes about immense conflict and has to use politically correct excuses in feminism to even try to justify it with himself.
  732. The guy isn't happy with this relationship and needs help. Hopefully he can find the drive to seek it. I doubt the abuser in this relationship will ever see what they are doing to their SO, they usually don't want to peek behind that curtain. If you are either party in this story, I hope you take some of this to heart and re-examine what you two are doing to each other.
  733. FlagLikeReply
  734. michael.lundquist Oct 21, 2015
  735. You think anybody can put a man first that has his tail between his legs like this first? Unfortunately unless he becomes a person instead of a sweet doormat no woman will see him even wanting to be first. Even the open marriage came about bc she kissed another dude & then asked her husband to bang him. He used the word feminism as an excuse that makes him think that is why this happened to him. This is a bad example of even an open couple. This is basically reading how his wife emotionally rapes him & uses feminism as an excuse. I hope he can help his kids not be influenced by his wife. Sad man...
  736. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  737. viciouscreep Nov 9, 2015
  738. @michael.lundquist "I hope he can help his kids not be influenced by his wife."  Ha ha ha, I have no doubt we'll be hearing from his kids, they'll probably writing about their happiness and sense of satisfaction in being deeply emotionally disturbed
  739. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  740. jack.assohole Aug 12, 2015
  741. This writer should be arrested for boredom.
  742. FlagLikeReply
  743. desbest Aug 7, 2015
  744. I bet this Michael doesn't have sex with women in this open marriage. She's only using him to look after the kids as her heart is somewhere else.
  745. FlagLike5 people like this.Reply
  746. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  747. @desbest And you base this on what?  Did you read the article?  It is already covered in there unless you mean to point out the author is lying about this element of their relationship.  But then if the author is lying, why believe the whole thing?
  748. FlagLikeReply
  749. jude.hebert Aug 12, 2015
  750. @Rainbird @desbest why doesnt she just divorce him?  is it really that hard to say that if you are looking to get shlooped by some other person besides the one you married that the magic is over and that you need to take your ass somewhere else?
  752. I swear... people like this make me sick.  
  753. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  754. Rainbird Aug 19, 2015
  755. @jude.hebert  Why do you feel that everyone has to have the identical relationship that you do?  ...Or think that you do?  Just because these people's magic is different than yours, doesn't mean you should get to judge.  There are literally millions of people out there that have very happy open relationships.  Most of them, you would never guess.
  756. FlagLikeReply
  757. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  758. @Rainbird "There are literally millions of people out there that have very happy open relationships."
  759. Of course.  Because the guy in those open relationship is okay with it.
  760. However, if you read this article, you would see that this guy is clearly not okay with it, but he is too afraid that she'll stop loving him if he don't open up the marriage that he back corned into opening the marriage up, something he clearly does not want to do.
  761. FlagLikeReply
  762. michael.lundquist Oct 21, 2015
  763. When your "magic" is a Dirk Diggler plot ;)
  764. FlagLikeReply
  765. ronny.abraham Aug 25, 2015
  766. @Rainbird @desbest
  768. Did YOU read the article?  Are YOU paying attention to what the writer was saying, and more importantly, HOW he was saying it?  I'm not saying the article isn't total fiction.  It could be clever writer came up with it.  But either way, the main character of the writing is that of a deeply frustrated and confused man who is so emotionally impotent that he cannot even openly express his anger at a deep and total betrayal.
  770. The narrator is not a decadent Oliver Wilde open mindedly seeking out new ways of living, but an incredibly frustrated and furious little man.
  772. Rain, if this is a real story and you are that man, get help now.  And if this is a real story and you are the wife, you should get the hell out of there fast.
  774. That man isn't a volcano waiting to explode, he is the Yellowstone caldera.
  775. FlagLikeReply
  776. michael.lundquist Oct 21, 2015
  777. He says himself how it's so hard. He was coached to accept it, or lose his wife. He is probably rewarded by being a "good boy" at home waiting for a treat.
  778. FlagLikeReply
  779. checkster Aug 4, 2015
  780. Michael, now - in true feminist fashion - you should explain to your wife that YOU are now ready to LOVE another woman. Not have sex with one. But LOVE another woman. YOU deserve all the LOVE life can give you, and its about time she SHARED you with another woman. Now - in the meantime - YOU should be able to use HER for SEX. SEX ONLY. And the daytime you can spend nurturing true love with another woman. Its only fair buddy. In the process, I expect you to wake up and smell the coffee.
  782. more heart, less mind, bro. Good luck to you.
  783. FlagLike5 people like this.Reply
  784. js21795 Aug 13, 2015
  785. @checkster He needs to start buying lavish gifts for another woman he loves with his wife's money, paying for baby sitters with his wife's money so he can go out and get his self esteem back.  I bet she wouldn't like the arrangement as much.
  786. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  787. flevetyfive Aug 13, 2015
  788. @js21795 @checkster
  789. FlagLikeReply
  790. Chloeblkburn Aug 2, 2015
  791. Applause applause. Awesome and beautiful. You and your wife may enjoy this. http://www.jujumamablog.com/2012/06/02/progressive-love-tenets/
  792. FlagLikeReply
  793. Mr.Bultitude Aug 2, 2015
  794. The feminist movement has reached the stage of self-parody.  It's nearly impossible to make a joke about this man because his life IS a joke.  
  795. FlagLike7 people like this.Reply
  796. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  797. @Mr.Bultitude What isn't a joke is insanity.  If you are not familier with the definition, insanity is when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.  People get married.  Most of those people get divorced.  It is insane to think everything is going to be smooth sailing 20 years after agreeing to be monogamous.  But people keep making promises the majority can't keep.  But we still have old schoolers such as yourself expecting some different result.  I feel sorry for your wife.  
  799. It takes work to keep a relationship steamy.  It takes lots of communication, honesty and a very strong marriage to make an open marriage work.
  800. FlagLikeReply
  801. jack.assohole Aug 12, 2015
  802. @Rainbird You sound so boring.
  803. FlagLikeReply
  804. Rainbird Aug 19, 2015
  805. @jack.assohole And yet here you are.  Why don't you go find something more interesting?
  806. FlagLikeReply
  807. jeffrey.mejia Aug 20, 2015
  808. @Rainbird @Mr.Bultitude It takes lots of PERVERSITY, DEVIANCY, and a very strong INSANITY to make an open marriage work.  There, fixed it!
  809. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  810. AnotherJerk Aug 23, 2015
  811. @Rainbird @Mr.Bultitude Marriage is about commitment to family and community stability.  It's not about gratifying every urge like a chimp.  Not about crawling into bed with a steamy new batch of STDs from Paulo the horny slime.
  812. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  813. ronny.abraham Aug 25, 2015
  814. @Rainbird @Mr.Bultitude
  816. That's not the definition of insanity.  From wikipedia:  "Insanity, craziness or madness is a spectrum of behaviors characterized by certain abnormal mental or behavioral patterns. Insanity may manifest as violations of societal norms, including a person becoming a danger to themselves or others, though not all such acts are considered insanity; likewise, not all acts showing indifference toward societal norms are acts of insanity."
  818. I wish people would stop referring to that stupid meme.  Out of all the crimes the Clintons inflicted on humanity, that crime against the English language was probably the worst.
  819. FlagLikeReply
  820. BeevaloBill Aug 1, 2015
  821. Please nymag.com do a 5 year "where they are now" follow up.
  823. We have seen this story before, it rarely ends well.
  824. FlagLike6 people like this.Reply
  825. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  826. @BeevaloBill How do you know it rarely ends well?  There are hundreds of thousands of people out there who have open/poly/swing marriages.  But you never hear about the successful ones do you?  You hear about a breakup of an open marriage, you jump to the conclusion that the cause of the breakup was the openness, and you are free to go on with your quaint little life.  You don't have to realize there are many other factors that could have come into play.  But lots of people do this and are perfectly happy.  Marriage is changing.  Your fear will not stop it.
  827. FlagLikeReply
  828. romjean Aug 20, 2015
  829. @Rainbird
  830. How in the hell is this an "open" marriage? Do you know how easy it is for even the average women to get sex compared to the average man. All she needs is a dating site account and within a day her mailbox will be flooded with messages cause most men want easy sex. For him it's a completely different story because because women generally tend to look for different things in a man, like being independent, having a job, and having money so even if he decides to try dating, he won't get nearly as "lucky" as her cause he's already married and has no job! This so called "open" marriage is completely one-sided and that's exactly how feminists like it. They want to have all the options in the world while the man's only option is them. She want's the option of having strange exciting sex a couple times a week with an alpha male mate, but still wants a soft emotional tampon of a husband at home to give her "emotional support" and look after the kids.
  831. This is modern feminism at it's truest. And may this be the fate of all male feminists aka simps, manginas, female apologists who buy into it. If this guy had balls and self esteem he'd never allow this kind of behavior. THIS MARRIAGE WILL END IN DISASTER, IT'S ALMOST A CERTAINTY. He's clearly got animosity and guilt building up which is why he's written this article to try to justify her actions and his inaction.
  832. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  833. 1488 Aug 28, 2015
  834. @Rainbird @BeevaloBill Marriage is ending if this degeneracy continues. Your play on semantics will not stop it.
  835. FlagLikeReply
  836. js21795 Aug 13, 2015
  837. @BeevaloBill This story ends with him either finally leaving as an emotional train wreck, or her leaving because she just no longer loves or respects him and falls in love with a guy that isn't a push over and she can consider her equal.
  838. FlagLikeReply
  839. jeff.vandine Jul 31, 2015
  840. Alas, it isn't about how "strong" you are -- it's about how you're being taken advantage of, and you're seemingly unable to recognize the fact.  What happens when "Paolo" gives her an STD or AIDS?  Is that still okay?  Presumably, given your expressions about the "gnawing" nature of your hidden pain, it's still going on, and it's going to continue for the foreseeable future -- which tells me you entered into this so-called "marriage" expecting some respect from your partner and a certain amount of loyalty, even if only to the idea of treating someone else the way you want to be treated by them.  Given your "wife's" actions, why aren't you out shtupping anything that moves too?  Let HER sit home with the babies for a while, wondering who you're doing on the side for a change; it's clearly the treatment she thinks is totes okay, right?
  841. And then she comes home and tells you how great it was with someone else.  Do you ever wonder if she tells them how great sex with YOU is?  I'll bet anything you care to name that it never even crosses her mind.  But by telling you this, what she's really doing is making you a participant in her sexual adventures by proxy.  Which undoubtedly both reinforces her dominance of you as a person, and permits her to excuse her behavior to herself and others; "Oh Michael doesn't mind -- he thinks it's really hot!"
  843. What you really need to do is get some counseling or psychiatric care, because you really DO have deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness if you let yourself be treated this way.  You can cover it with all the "femibabble" you want, but you're really only letting yourself be treated this way because you secretly think it's the way you SHOULD be treated.  Wake up.  Get treated and gain some self-respect.  And get your kids out of a horrible environment before you destroy their young lives too.
  844. FlagLike6 people like this.Reply
  845. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  846. @jeff.vandine Did you read the article at all?  They take turns going out.  You sound very insecure.
  847. FlagLikeReply
  848. jeff.vandine Aug 10, 2015
  849. @Rainbird That's kind of funny coming from someone who wants us to think his/her given name is "rainbird," but whatever.
  850. The problem here is in the author's life -- did you not read the way he phrased this article?  His wife is going out on him and it's eating him up.  Right now he's attempting to justify her behavior (and his pain) by claiming it's the "feminist" thing to do. But in reality he's just whistling past the graveyard.  My mom was as feminist as they come, but she never thought shoving someone else's nose into the dirt was the way to prove it.  Nor did she believe that life was a zero-sum game.  Someone else doesn't always have to lose when you get what you want.  Unfortunately, from the way this article was written, that seems to be what the lady believes, and this guy has so little self-respect that he lets her dictate his feelings and beliefs too.  To say nothing of what this is doing and will do to the children involved....  But again, you obviously know better than me.  
  851. FlagLikeReply
  852. js21795 Aug 13, 2015
  853. @Rainbird @jeff.vandine No No.  He didn't want this though.  She did.  He is doing it because he has convinced himself he needs to in order to be a "good" man.  If both people equally want an open relationship, but forcing it on your partner is abusive.
  854. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  855. Rainbird Aug 19, 2015
  856. @js21795 @jeff.vandine Couples never are at the exact same spot.  There is always one of the couple who is gun-ho and the other so-so on a decision like this.  But the key to success and turning it into something amazing for your relationship is communication.  These people seem to have that.  There will be some jealousy from time to time, but there will also be excitement.  I don't read this seeing it "eating him up"  I read this as a relationship that is having ups and downs, just like every other relationship.  ...Even yours.
  858. You are likely right.  I know lots of people who are in open relationships.  So there is a good chance I do know better than you.  But you are you are right about something else.  Some of them break up.  You know what though, the overwhelming majority of them (a statistical anomaly of them) don't.  If I was to venture an off the cuff guess, I would say 90% of them don't.  With divorce rates of the vanillas at about 50%, how do you explain this?
  859. FlagLikeReply
  860. jeffrey.mejia Aug 20, 2015
  861. @Rainbird @js21795 @jeff.vandine  I know lots of people who are in ABUSIVE relationships.  So there is a good chance I do know better than you.  But you are you are right about something else.  Some of them break up.  You know what though, the overwhelming majority of them (a statistical anomaly of them) don't.  If I was to venture an off the cuff guess, I would say 90% of them don't.  With divorce rates of the vanillas at about 50%, how do you explain this?
  864. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  865. kelly.grey Oct 13, 2015
  866. @jeff.vandine "Let HER sit home with the babies for a while, wondering who you're doing on the side for a change"
  868. That's the catch - she won't care.  She has already checked out which is why she wants to be with other men.  He is quite useful to her and that's why she pretends that they are all good and lets him stick around.  If he was no longer able to watch the kids while she went to work all day and play all night, she would drop him.  
  869. FlagLikeReply
  870. dillipfaykick Jul 31, 2015
  871. You're a giant cuckold.  One day soon you're going to realize that there is no path to happiness where you're headed. Get your kids, lawyer-up and take this person for all the alimony and child-support you can get. That's the only possible path to self-respect left to you. I highly recommend you take the path.
  872. FlagLike8 people like this.Reply
  873. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  874. @dillipfaykick The republican/teabagger playbook:  First, call a name.
  876. Look, I realize this is different than you are used to.  Traditionally the man in the relationship, take for instance, Rush Limbaugh, cheats on his spouse.  Eventually the cheater gets caught and divorce happens.  Good old Rushbo has gone this route four times, and I am sure he is in the "waiting to get caught" phase and then on to wife number five.  
  878. These people on the other hand seem a lot more honest than you do.  They talked to one another.  They worked out an agreement and sure it has some rough spots and some things they will need to continue to refine so one partner doesn't feel left out.  Still though, I respect them a lot more for what they have done.
  880. Marriage is changing.  Your fear of change is not going to stop that from happening.
  882. FlagLikeReply
  883. V1t0rC0st4 Sep 4, 2015
  884. @Rainbird @dillipfaykick
  885. FlagLikeReply
  886. kelly.grey Oct 13, 2015
  887. @Rainbird @dillipfaykick They are not re-defining marriage.  He could still turn around and file for divorce on the grounds of infidelity.  If marriage was being re-defined, he could not do that.  Their arrangement is less like a marriage and more like friends with benefits, or maybe like a live-in nanny who you can sleep with and be besties with, although I doubt there are many benefits for Michael at this stage of the game and a BFF probably wouldn't want to cause you much in the way of betrayal anxiety.
  888. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  889. michael.lundquist Oct 21, 2015
  890. Don't know if you've ever seen a court room where somebody is suing for cheating & then the room learns about their "open" agreement. This idiot screwed himself from that angle too.
  891. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  892. js21795 Aug 13, 2015
  893. @dillipfaykick AMEN.  You are 100% correct.
  894. FlagLikeReply
  895. AnotherJerk Aug 23, 2015
  896. @dillipfaykick Do electric sheep dream of androids?
  897. FlagLikeReply
  898. michael.lundquist Oct 21, 2015
  899. Yeah bc lawyers & court drama about alimony is good? Get a clue!!
  900. FlagLikeReply
  901. thomas.allen Jul 30, 2015
  902. Thank you for helping us MRAs prove how utterly stupid Feminists are.
  903. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  904. TheHappyWittol Aug 5, 2015
  905. Hey Thomas A., thanks for helping us feminists prove how gullible and shallow MRAs are by actually accepting that this guys bs is somehow feminism!
  906. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  907. jeffrey.mejia Aug 20, 2015
  908. @TheHappyWittol Hell, I don't see at all any feminists disavowing it, do you?
  909. FlagLikeReply
  910. Koenig Feb 2, 2016
  911. Every double-standard bs in favor of women is feminism. A real equality supporter is called egalitarian.
  912. FlagLikeReply
  913. thomas.allen Jul 30, 2015
  914. Thank you for helping us MRAs prove how utterly stupid Feminists are.
  915. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  916. Europa Jul 30, 2015
  917. Sucker
  918. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  919. bans Jul 30, 2015
  920. "withering drudgery of child-rearing"  This is a reflection of you, not child rearing, you get what you put it.  I've enjoyed 9 years of caring for my children, and I'm an egalitarian (not a feminist) male.
  921. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  922. Bataille Jul 31, 2015
  923. Amen. Successful child-rearing requires self-control, sacrifice, and even - dare I say - self-denial. But the result is immense joy. If the relationship is "withering drudgery" I imagine the children can feel it too which is a bigger shame than the writer's marital arrangement.
  924. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  925. Ohman Jul 30, 2015
  926. LOL, what a loser HA HA HA
  927. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  928. sarah.hanes Feb 10, 2016
  929. @Ohman He's more than that :D
  930. FlagLikeReply
  931. james.calohan Jul 29, 2015
  932. Would you please castrate yourself. The world does not need another social misfit producing "challenged" children. In the mean time grow a set and gain some respect for yourself. Let me guess, you are a "metrosexual" type who is into wearing hand cream. lol
  933. FlagLike6 people like this.Reply
  934. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  935. @james.calohan You prefer the more traditional relationship where the spouses cheat on one another?
  936. FlagLikeReply
  937. jeffrey.mejia Aug 20, 2015
  938. @Rainbird @james.calohan It would be much more egalitarian than this, at least they'd be EQUAL in their infidelity...
  939. FlagLikeReply
  940. sarah.hanes Feb 10, 2016
  941. @jeffrey.mejia @Rainbird @james.calohan Equal exchange of STDs, that is
  942. FlagLikeReply
  943. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  944. @Rainbird @james.calohan At no point did people advocating cheating.  What's with you and your cheating ways?  Always so obsess with cheating.  To the point where you will justify cheating.
  945. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  946. Fudgefase Jul 29, 2015
  947. You need to start making yourself more attractive to your wife. Maybe a new hair do or a new shirt? Lol. Marriage is when you value what you have with the other person than what you might have had with others. It means avoiding temptation - or talking to each other about why you are feeling the need to stray. Of course many married want to stray - but they resist because what they HAVE TOGETHER as a unit is more than the sum total of both of them.
  948. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  949. cuckadoodledoo Jul 28, 2015
  950. I checked my privilege 22 times while reading this article. Very progressive stuff. Bravo, Mr. Cuck.
  951. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  952. TheHappyWittol Jul 28, 2015
  953. I thought I might add my perspective to this conversation. A little about me: I am a man, a hard-core feminist, and a serious cuckold fetishist. I have been married for 20 years and, yes, my wife cuckolds me with my full support. I have also have an array of friends and acquaintances who are or have been in non-monogamous and monogam-ish relationships, including open marriages.
  954. I found the original essay to be rather confused in terms of both its reasoning and message. It just didn’t hang together for me.
  955. The author’s headlined insight is that being in an open marriage taught him something about feminism, yet he never really tells us what very clearly. He repeats a few feminist commonplaces but they act to set a tone of feminism rather than make a serious argument about it.
  956. Near as I can figure, his big feminist epiphany is the realization that his wife isn’t his property or a servant fulfilling a function, but an autonomous human being with the same basic rights, abilities, liberties, needs, and limitations as everyone else on Earth. So…glad you’ve caught up, how was your sojourn to the 1800s?
  957. A second epiphany implied but not explicit in his essay is that civil marriage is a voluntary and conditional arrangement and either party can renegotiate the contract at any time as a condition of going forward. So, again, glad you’ve caught up; how was it living in 1960?
  958. The rest of the essay turns into a discussion of the benefits, challenges, and mechanics of his open marriage. Interesting, perhaps, but its relevance to his headline point is lost on me.
  959. The most troubling thing about the essay to me are the implications – never quite stated – that open marriages are inherently feminist or that embracing non-monogamy is a sine-qua-non of feminism. These implications may or may not be intended by the author, but they are clear. Also they are complete rubbish.
  960. My wife has had sex with other men since before we were even married. I am not ashamed or defensive about this – I celebrate it. We have constructed a loving marriage that maximally provides for our wants and needs, of which cuckolding is only a part. But these arrangements are not reflections of our feminism, they are a reflection of our fetishes. We had monogamous relationships in the past and were feminists. Most of our friends are feminists, and most are (so far as we know) monogamous. Also, because of our own non-monogamy we have met friends and acquaintances who are not monogamous. Many of them are also feminists, but not all. We have not even seen correlation, let alone causation.
  961. A woman’s sexual autonomy also implies her right to choose monogamy. The author says:
  962. “The point is that it should be women who choose, not men — even the men they’re married to.”
  963. Which is true enough, but it is also important to make the concomitant points that: (a) the same goes for men, (b) monogamous relationships are an agreement – generally mutual – to forego exercising that right in return for things valued more. Surely the right to make that bargain if you choose is part of feminism too.
  964. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  965. Koenig Feb 2, 2016
  966. Yeah, some people just love being slaves.....This screams beta. I hate to break it to you, but women want a man to have power over them. Or how else do you explain the 50 shades of grey phenomenon? If you think your "wife" hasn't fallen for such a man already while laughing at her pet with him, you're incredibly naive. Testosterone is indeed declining...
  967. FlagLikeReply
  968. Koenig Feb 10, 2016
  969. It's pretty obvious that any man in such a situation is just being played by his selfish wife. What has become of love?
  970. FlagLikeReply
  971. Koenig Feb 10, 2016
  972. @TheHappyWittol Since using Ipad browser doesn't properly allow you to address somebody, I copied it here:
  973. Yeah, some people just love being slaves.....This screams beta. I hate to break it to you, but women want a man to have power over them. Or how else do you explain the 50 shades of grey phenomenon? If you think your "wife" hasn't fallen for such a man already while laughing at her pet with him, you're incredibly naive. Testosterone is indeed declining...
  974. FlagLikeReply
  975. mike.larrazzo Apr 24, 2016
  976. @TheHappyWittol Have you developed an appreciation for the taste of second-hand semen?
  977. FlagLikeReply
  978. Bataille Jul 28, 2015
  979. Screw the parents. God help the children.
  980. FlagLike5 people like this.Reply
  981. Bataille Jul 28, 2015
  982. I suppose that's too oppressive.
  983. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  984. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  985. @Bataille Why?  What is the problem with the children?  Because these people are honest and open with their feelings and relationship, you feel that has some effect on the kids?  Do you and your wife discuss your sex life with your kids?  Do you feel the kids would be better off in a more traditional "cheating" relationship?
  986. FlagLikeReply
  987. michael.lundquist Oct 21, 2015
  988. Bc if you are his son you will never learn how to be a strong independent man & that means a lot of pain when you move out & start trying to date. This behavior by the author is a recipe to a sad marriage where you are trained into being subservient for fear of the bully leaving you.
  989. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  990. sunshine17 Jul 27, 2015
  991. “Feminism always comes back to sex, even when we’re talking about everything else.”
  992. FALSE.
  995. The entire article is predicated on this belief. He reveals his ignorance by perpetuating the debate that should be non-existent about the sex-positive feminist and sex-negative feminist binary. Flip side of the same coin. What feminism is about is sex and gender equality. Gender and sexuality are the major components of feminism and not in a mutually exclusive way as the author states here. At the end of the day, this article deals exclusively with sexuality- and for that matter MALE sexuality. Feminism deals with gender and sexuality together, not picking and choosing or ignoring the other aspect. So for this reason, I have to say that this is not a feminist article.
  996. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  997. TheHappyWittol Jul 28, 2015
  998. Well, Margaret Sanger and a number of her allies would actually agree that feminism always comes back to sex. I actually think this is one of the few worthy points in the author's confused and tortured essay. The point is that control of your body is the very epitome of liberty.
  999. Also, I don't really understand where you find that Sonmore "states" that gender and sexuality are "mutually exclusive." I'm not really clear what "a feminist article" would be (is it the topic or the author that would make it thus?) but I would agree that this article isn't really about feminism at all. It is abut some guys experience in embracing open marriage. He thinks that makes him a better feminist. I don't think he is very convincing.
  1000. FlagLikeReply
  1001. reganaki Jul 27, 2015
  1002. Really good article!  In my experience the orgasms and intimacy between three people are even better than two. Which is why I have two men in my bed. :) The sooner people clue into the fact that humans are not meant to be monogamous the better. That doesn't mean you don't love them or respect them. But loving relationships are not solely restricted to couples, and open marriages are not a bad thing. It's called social evolution, something we are in dire need of.
  1003. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1004. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1005. @reganaki
  1006. I agreed.  However, all three person must agreed to it.  You shouldn't coerced someone into it, like what how this author was coerced into it.
  1007. FlagLikeReply
  1008. Koenig Feb 2, 2016
  1009. True love is unique, and focussed. Only in the most naïve mind this is a concept that works for a family. You just grew up in a generation that can't focus on one thing and needs quantity over quality....
  1010. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1011. Asalieri Jul 27, 2015
  1012. Here's my video interpretation of this story
  1013. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3IYKW3e0p8
  1014. Masterpaint Theatre: Cuckoo For CuckoldryMasterpaint Theatre: Cuckoo For Cuckoldry
  1015. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  1016. julen.ochoa Jul 26, 2015
  1017. You're a sucker who's been screwed over by a faithless bitch. Just wait till she gets bored and decides to screw you over in the family court. Then you'll be forced to give her all you money while you lose your house, your children, and live in a cardboard box. I'd be sorry for you were it not that idiots like you are exactly why women can screw men over in the family courts: because idiots like you run it.
  1018. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  1019. isam.bitar Jul 26, 2015
  1020. I mean, the eyes are open and the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed..
  1021. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  1022. Viros.Veramos Jul 26, 2015
  1023. Disgusting stuff...and the bigger problem is that they think it's so normal and "progressive" to live this way...sickening...
  1024. FlagLike7 people like this.Reply
  1025. Viros.Veramos Jul 26, 2015
  1026. This article makes me literally sick...disgusting stuff.
  1027. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1028. jasonq Jul 26, 2015
  1029. "They say this because the only way to account for a man at home with the kids is to say what he’s doing is hard work. But there’s a subtext in the compliment that makes it backhanded: We both know no one ever says it to a woman. "
  1031. What in the bloody hell are you talking about?  I've heard legions of people talk about how SAHMs have the "toughest job."
  1033. "I too enjoy sexual carte blanche. I just don’t use mine as much as my wife uses hers. What’s important is equality of opportunity, not outcome."
  1035. I can't even.
  1036. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1037. melissa.kellett Aug 6, 2015
  1038. @jasonq to be fair, a lot of people just tell me im too lazy to get a 'real' job - funny none of them ever offer me one, but oh well. a lot of people also tell me they dont know how i handle it too. i think hes trying to justify it to himself, since in my experience stay at home dads get basically the same reaction. maybe a few more 'aawww, how nice to see a man taking care of his children all day, hes a good daddy' than what i get as a woman being told im a good mummy, but not enough to say it never happens.
  1039. FlagLikeReply
  1040. michael.lundquist Oct 21, 2015
  1041. Yeah, he can use the kids to pick up hotties in the park to have sex in their open liberal loony world...
  1042. FlagLikeReply
  1043. kyle.vonstroodle Jul 26, 2015
  1044. I am inclined to say that whoever the gentleman is that is writing it is in denial about the stature and nature of his own relationship – and it is, ultimately, a bit upsetting to read.
  1046. I think the most telling instance regarding this is the following passage from the article, “I don’t want her to fall in love with anyone else, and every time she goes on a date, I confront the possibility that she might.” The fact that he accepts that she consents to him possibly doing the same, albeit, less often, is equally an issue. I think this is an issue because it is deliberately exposing the relationship to environments, scenarios, and settings which have, as the author acknowledges, the latent ability to operate in opposition to the good of their relationship.
  1048. Perhaps I am a cynic, but love is not infinite, nor infinitely powerful. Humans are flawed, often irrational creatures, and it takes a special sort of person to be truly disciplined in the perfection of an ideal. Most people will not exercise, nor contain the capacity for, this sort of rigor. Given this, the willful, wanton, or careless endangerment of a relationship is the opposite of the good for that relationship. The author writes, “We survived because eventually I did believe her, and also because I learned to trust myself.” I understand this, and the passage surrounding it to mean something to the effect of, “our love ultimately prevails.” However, are these not the cries of anguish, rather than the evidence of flourishing? A relationship should not be touted for its ability to survive, but rather its ability to flourish – and I think it is clear that the way this relationship operates for this man – it is not flourishing, by his own testimony. Ought he to also accept his wife being abusive towards him, since it’s her choice and he consents to it, verbal or physical? If the relationship survives, and he can derive a feminist message from it – is it a good for his relationship? What if she is merely neglectful and doesn’t tend to his or their children’s needs? Why should she? She’s her own person, after all – I’m sure this author could find a “feminist” message for that, too. Perhaps someone will rebuke these examples, saying that instances of purposeful abuse or negligence are different from the unintentional harm caused to the relationship as a result of it being open. One is the responsibility of the abuser or the neglecter, and the other is the responsibility of the individual with the weaker self-esteem or self-confidence who consented to such things. Of course, is not a partner, accepting of a violent drunk, not acting in the same capacity as the latter? It is, simply, consent to unintentional harm via the results of voluntary actions. These are what the author describes as “feminist.”
  1050. In a word, I am arguing that the arrangement this author has set up for themselves is neither feminist, nor love – and hardly what could be considered a relationship. The willingness to expose the relationship to obvious sources of damage is wrong and careless, and reflects a deep lack of commitment to the core purpose of the relationship. Were the author clearly not distraught about the reality that he allowed to manifest in his life, I might have a different opinion, but in this specific case, I pity him, and I disbelieve his sincerity and testimony. If he is implying in, “Doing so requires supreme self-confidence. You must first really, truly love yourself; it is the foundation upon which all the other love is built” that he is at that point, he is clearly disingenuous. If, however, he is suggesting that that is where he needs to be, then I would agree. There is no self-love here, and therefore, I would argue, little to no relationship, save in form and function, but certainly not in essence, purpose, or nature.
  1052. Sidenote comment on the article: I disagree that there is anything particularly “feminist” about this author’s wife’s actions. It seems more like he is using feminism to mask his lack of self-love, and that is wrongheaded. Honestly, when I read “It took me about six months — many long, intense conversations, and an ocean of red wine — before I knew it, too” I almost couldn’t take it seriously.
  1053. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  1054. michael.lundquist Oct 21, 2015
  1055. Haha! Yeah I like the part about the ocean of wine. I thought oh! This might sound reasonable to a drunk person. ;)
  1056. FlagLikeReply
  1057. michael.sanchez Jul 25, 2015
  1058.  What are you 12?  That's WHY you don't sleep with other people, dumbass.  It took you this long into adulthood and having children to realize that it was never about the physical act itself but the emotional connection that often accompanies it?
  1060. You have no business writing for any publication, reproducing, being married, or anything that requires an adult perspective.  You are, emotionally, a 12 year old.  I guarantee you that your marriage will not last the length of your vows.  I'm willing to bet my entire life's savings on it.  That makes you a failure.
  1061. FlagLike6 people like this.Reply
  1062. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  1063. @michael.sanchez This is a totally confused reply.  As you point out, it isn't about the physical act, it is about the emotional attachment.  So to keep things fresh and exciting, hundreds of thousands of couples have open/poly/swing relationships.  They separate the act from the emotions and they have a great time with it.  You like to call people names and have the audacity to call someone 12?  But there are all of these people who have great loving marriages, some of the happiest, most loving marriages I know and they are swingers.  
  1064. FlagLikeReply
  1065. jeffrey.mejia Aug 20, 2015
  1066. @Rainbird @michael.sanchez But there are all of these people who have great loving marriages, some of the happiest, most loving marriages I know and they are SERIAL KILLER-RAPISTS.
  1069. FlagLikeReply
  1070. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1071. @Rainbird @michael.sanchez I understand.
  1073. But while those swinger marraiges are happy, this dude is clearly not.  He's been coerced into an open marraige that he did not want to open, all because he doesn't want her to stop loving him.
  1074. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1075. michael.sanchez Jul 25, 2015
  1076. What are you 12?  That's WHY you don't sleep with other people, dumbass.  It took you this long into adulthood and having children to realize that it was never about the physical act itself but the emotional connection that often accompanies it?
  1078. You have no business writing for any publication, reproducing, being married, or anything that requires an adult perspective.  You are, emotionally, a 12 year old.
  1079. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1080. rick.lakehomer Jul 25, 2015
  1081. I bet she keeps his nuts in a lock box along with his self worth, morals, ethics etc.
  1083. What a sad example for his children. Why bother being married. Neither one of them had any business having kids.
  1085. It is about LOYALTY to one, only one, morality and what makes up your foundation. I kicked my ex out and to the curb for her affair and cheating after almost 30 yrs. of marriage. I have my problems and issues but my loyalty and values I will NEVER compromise or change.
  1086. FlagLike8 people like this.Reply
  1087. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  1088. @rick.lakehomer What a sad story.  If infidelity causes you to leave a person who you have been with for thirty years, you couldn't have ever cared for her.  You are mixing up sex with love.  No one, not even "Worlds Greatest Man" who you obviously think you are, can keep a sexual relationship fresh and exciting after thirty years.  Your wife was bored with you.  You let this happen to yourself as you grew complacent.   You must have been a treasure to live with.
  1090. Instead, couples who approach things honestly and realistically know to keep things fresh takes creativity and a great deal of communication.   The reason cheating happens is when their is one partner who can't communicate with the other.  You live in this private world of absolutes where you will NEVER compromise.  Well, look what it cost you.  A long term happy marriage is all about compromise.
  1091. FlagLikeReply
  1092. jeffrey.mejia Aug 20, 2015
  1093. @Rainbird @rick.lakehomer RAINBIRD, are you even fro this dimension at all? You have absolutely no concept of morality and ethics in this universe!
  1094. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1095. CJSWA Jul 25, 2015
  1096. Somehow, we have forgotten our true natures.  You hint at this when you said " It’s what the sex connects to, stands for, reveals that can be difficult."  Sex MEANS something. All you people who talk about sex and emotion not being connected are rebelling against Mother Nature.  Mother Nature says: When a woman has sex with a man she is in fact saying, "I am willing to give birth to and raise your offspring."  When a man has sex with a woman he is in fact saying "I want you to give birth and raise my offspring."  This basic fact of nature explains why most women need to feel an emotional connection. They are putting A LOT more on the line than the man is.  A man can have sex and not think too much about emotions because he (by nature) has an opportunity to not stick around.  This is why marriage was invented, to make the man responsible.  Everyone in a tribe KNOWS which baby came out of which woman, but nobody knew which man put the seed in the woman.  This all is human sexuality 101, and yet our society acts like they don't understand any of it!  We give ourselves more heartache than necessary by ignoring nature.  Foolish.
  1097. FlagLikeReply
  1098. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  1099. @CJSWA "So women, get into the kitchen and rattle them pots and pans!"  CJ, that was one of the more sexists and uninformed posts I have read in a while.  What you attribute to what mother nature is saying, I believe instead you have made up in your own mind.  
  1101. Monogamy is not "natural".  It was made up by religions and has been enforced by governments but it has never been natural.   Over fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.  The majority of those divorces involve infidelity.  Does this sound natural to you?
  1103. Talk to your partner.  Get along.  Be a couple.  But have fun!  Experience life!  Don't cheat!  Instead talk and communicate.  Hundreds of thousands of couples have consensual non-monogamist  relationships and those are some of the happiest marriages I know.
  1104. FlagLikeReply
  1105. Robert.Kaufmann Aug 30, 2015
  1106. @Rainbird @CJSWA Michael, I am very sorry that you ended up in a situation that you are in, but the claim that monogamy is a result of a certain or a set of religions is complete and utter nonsense resulting from strictly Eurocentric and highly simplistic scholarship. Were you to go just some five hundred years in the past, you would find that the Catholic southern Europe was not any more or less monogamous than the Buddhist-Shintoist-Confucianist Warring States period Japan. Were you to go even further, you would find very familiar structures in both Greece and Rome—the former being a set of societies where women were barely considered human and Aphrodite had sex with most of her family members. This is not an isolated phenomenon you can attribute solely or even largely to any or all religions; it preceded them.
  1107. There are also very good and strictly political economics-based reasons for serial monogamy in an egalitarian society. If you are on the level, I would recommend you to start by reading a paper by de la Croix and Mariani titled "From Polygyny to Serial Monogamy". You will find it freely available online.
  1109. You seem to be somehow under the impression that what you are doing is somehow "progressive" or ahead of our time and thus simply misunderstood by the uninitiated. It is not. Your situation is a clear-cut example of an economically strong female establishing a de facto polygynous relationship with an economically weak male. The terms strong and weak herein do not simply imply your access to liquid capital, but your overall economic position within society, which, I am sorry to say, is rather weak. To put it in simpler terms: You are the first wife of a pre-Mao Chinese merchant. You have some privileges that other wives do not, but you are ultimately just one of many and by no means on equal terms with your husband.
  1111. On a more personal note, I would add my voice to those of others here and suggest that you find an independent, trained party to talk about your relationship. If everything is just dandy, it would not hurt it any more than Pablo.
  1112. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1113. duane.martin Jul 25, 2015
  1114. This guy is a disgrace to all men.  He should follow Bruce Jenner
  1115. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1116. wentworthcheswell Jul 25, 2015
  1117. John Wayne is spinning in his grave!
  1118. FlagLikeReply
  1119. HighBrowComedy Jul 25, 2015
  1120. WHAT A CUCK
  1121. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1122. Punksten Jul 24, 2015
  1123. Hey Buddy. Your wife has your already insecure head twisted into a thousand knots. This sounds more like a plea for help than anything else. You're only fooling yourself.
  1124. FlagLikeReply
  1125. 3DM Jul 24, 2015
  1126. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cuck Kings!
  1127. FlagLikeReply
  1128. william.turner Jul 24, 2015
  1129. Help me out here please. I am confused. A woman can decide to have sex outside the confines of monogamy and that is her exercising her freedom. But that same woman can not chose to remain monogamous because that is really male oppression? So there is only one choice which is functionally no choice at all. How is that not the very definition of oppression?  
  1130. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1131. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  1132. @william.turner You missed something in the article where she was wanting to choose non monogamy.   Male oppression would have occurred had it been your wife and you would have forced her to give up her choice.
  1133. FlagLikeReply
  1134. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1135. @Rainbird @william.turner
  1136. If she doesn't want monogamy, then she should divorce him and find some other guy who is into polygamy.  He clearly wants monogamy, but he is too afraid to say no because he's afraid she'll leave him.
  1137. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1138. michael.pritchard Jul 24, 2015
  1139. It is no accident she wanted the other men only after he became a stay at home dad. She lost attraction to him because he ceased to be masculine and assertive and respected by her. I like the idea of house husbands but I now see it leads to a lot of wives leaving men saying "he is sensitive and nice and a great husband but I am bored and do not feel it anymore." I was surprised when I read about how common that is now. People, especially if they want to spare your feelings do not always tell the truth about wy they want things. Saying she was inexperienced (if she even told the truth about her number of partners) sounds better than "I want other men because you do not make me fel like a woman anymore."
  1140. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  1141. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  1142. @michael.pritchard Oh please!  You use this same juicy rationalization to justify the affairs you are having on your wife.  But you are a cheater.   Lots of other people don't believe in the lies.  They have honest communication with their partners.  When they are bored, they talk about it and don't want to loose the marriage they have just for a little excitement.  These people have the ability to communicate and add that excitement to what they already have.  Those are the happily married people I know.
  1143. FlagLikeReply
  1144. michael.lundquist Oct 21, 2015
  1145. The people you describe sound happy & clear the author is not one of these people
  1146. FlagLikeReply
  1147. michael.pritchard Jul 24, 2015
  1148. The idea that "monogamy is an attempt to trap women for a man's benefit" only makes sense if you do not understand love. If you understand that you only WANT the one person because you love him and do NOT wish for others. If you feel things and have respect and love for your partner, monogamy is not forced on another because it is voluntary and freely given by someone who genuinely DOES only want you. And it IS a commitment but it is a voluntary commitment. A voluntary commitment made between equals is NOT coercion.
  1149. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1150. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  1151. @michael.pritchard Being married for a long time requires a great deal of creativity to keep that relationship as fresh and exciting as it was when it was brand new.  I understand your fear of change but what we have now clearly isn't working.  Over fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.  The overwhelming majority involve cheating.  It reminds me of the old joke:  One in ten people are crazy.  Think of nine of your friends and if they are sane, then it is you.  I worry about your marriage the same way.  If you are as un-bored as you claim then it must be your wife.   BTW, Whose car was parked in your driveway yesterday afternoon while you were at work?  
  1154. FlagLikeReply
  1155. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1156. @Rainbird I'll translate what Rainbird is trying to say.  What Rainbird is trying to say is that she should be able to not have to hold up her end of the deal, whlie tricking him into holding up his end of the deal.
  1157. She is breaking the marraige agreement.  The marriage agreement being that...
  1158. ...the guy promised to marry the girl, to commit to the girl, and help raise the children, and in return, the girl promise exclusivity (in other word, she will no longer sleep with other guys).
  1159. What she is doing is breaking that agreement.  He is holding up his end of the deal (aka, helping take care of the kids), but, she is not holding up her end of the deal (she's sleeping with other guys, instead of with him).
  1160. This is very problematic.
  1161. FlagLikeReply
  1162. devildog67 Jul 24, 2015
  1163. Michael Sonmore, what is the matter with you?
  1165. You have rationalized an incomprehensible "arrangement" to correct for what was clearly a broken relationship.
  1167. You don't have to build this elaborate fantasy to explain the obvious. Occam's razor.
  1168. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1169. pepe.vergas Jul 24, 2015
  1170. at least get her to charge by the hour and let you keep half of what she makes on her liaisons, you know for the children.
  1171. FlagLike5 people like this.Reply
  1172. pepe.vergas Jul 24, 2015
  1174. FlagLike6 people like this.Reply
  1175. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  1176. @pepe.vergas Rushbo and his all caps army.  Has he mentioned to you ditto heads he has been married four times?
  1177. FlagLikeReply
  1178. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1179. @Rainbird @pepe.vergas Four times and he still hasn't learned his lesson?  LOL.  No wonder why.
  1180. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1181. blah123 Jul 24, 2015
  1182. Does no one know how to read? He gets to go out and sleep with other women too. He mentions it quite a few times.
  1183. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1184. devildog67 Jul 24, 2015
  1185. @blah123 ,
  1186. He "get's too"?  
  1188. Yay!
  1190. That should make everything alright!
  1192. What is the matter with this younger generation who value nothing.
  1193. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1194. joshua.crocker Jul 25, 2015
  1195. @blah123 i forgot how easy it is for a passive beta house husband to just go out and get laid on a whim!
  1196. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1197. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1198. @blah123
  1199. Hey, let me stab you in the chest.  Afterward, you get to stab me too. so it's alright.  Right?  Right?  Guys?
  1200. FlagLikeReply
  1201. jennifer.neilson Jul 23, 2015
  1202. you are one sick puppy.... wow.
  1203. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1204. alex.lee1 Jul 23, 2015
  1205. I wonder if its the "sloppy seconds" that really turns him on?  Perhaps he needs to look at his hands to check his index ring finger length ratio--a sure sign of gender preference in confused males.
  1206. FlagLikeReply
  1207. NotFooledAnymore Jul 23, 2015
  1208. Michael, one word for you: DIVORCE - you'll get the same economic benefits, quite possibly close to full custody, and you can be with someone who respects *you* more than her need to constantly orgasm.
  1209. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1210. Mars80 Jul 23, 2015
  1211. This is an extremely dysfunctional relationship. Reading his story was nauseating.  
  1212. FlagLike8 people like this.Reply
  1213. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  1214. @Mars80 Nauseating, really?  I would think you would be more (and better) nauseated by the divorce rate of couples who can't be honest with themselves or their partners about their desires.  Lots of people in highly functional marriages are open or "monogamish".  
  1215. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1216. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1217. @Rainbird @Mars80 Only if both of you are open to it.
  1218. This dude is clearly not.
  1219. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1220. sullinsea Jul 23, 2015
  1221. How is it an open marriage or a marriage at all unless it is mutual? Unless I'm misreading the story only the woman's obligation to remain faithful is waived. By my definition that's not an open marriage. That's a marriage where one spouse, the more powerful one, is not required to remain faithful but the less powerful one is. That sounds more like a Mad Men era "arrangement."
  1223. In the mid-'70s at the beginning of my long ago ended marriage my wife and I chose to open our marriage during a nine-month period when we would be apart for career reasons. I was sent on temporary assignment for training before a longer overseas work assignment. She remained in California to complete her B.A. Both of us were just starting out in the work world, we were young and had no children yet. We had lived together in a somewhat communal arrangement for 18 months before marrying. The first year one-on-one was not easy to adjust to and neither of us was sure we had made the right choice.
  1225. During the separation and open marriage period when opportunities presented themselves I always hesitated, thought twice and realized for whatever reason I loved my wife, wanted a real marriage, to be a family, have kids, grow old and be great friends. I remained faithful. Long story short, my wife did not, became involved with three different men, and discovered she was pregnant three weeks after rejoining me at my new assignment overseas.
  1227. She chose to abort the child, informing me I had nothing to say about it because she was 95% sure it wasn't mine. Later as the dust was supposedly settling our relationship remained strained. At one point she informed me I bored her because I didn't make her worry about other women. That double bind stuck in my craw and eventually I sought revenge of a sort for it.
  1229. I probably should have walked out, or at least confronted her as to what we were and would be to each other going forward. I'm not sure whether such an honest confrontation would have healed or ended our marriage right then and there. But I was in my mid-20s at the time and just held on - eventually for another 17 years as we helped each other both graduate from law school, start our careers and have a child together. But eventually the stench of the rotting corpse of our marriage was too much to bear and she walked out on me after almost 20 years together. Whether that was the best choice for us and our child I don't know, but it was probably the nicest thing she had done for me in years. I was completely powerless in that decision. She announced on the way out to a conference for a few days in another city that she would decide whether to stay or go and announce her decision on her return. She told me when I met her with our son at the airport that it was over. For the second time she walked out on me without warning, discussion or explanation. What power I had was to decide whether or not I would get over her. I decided I would and, after some time and work, I did. One good thing I learned in the process was that I need not rationally reconcile my feelings of regret for ever having met my ex-wife with my absolute delight and satisfaction in our only child with her. I committed to never allow him to be raised exclusively by her and never to be marginalized in his life by her. I fulfilled that commitment. I managed with her over the last 21 years to form and nurture a functional parenting relationship, including equal joint custody while our son was growing up. He's now 27, living on his own in Silicon Valley and a budding writer.
  1231. Years after the divorce I met a wonderful loving emotionally mature woman with whom I shared 15 of the happiest years of my life until her death in 2012 from pulmonary fibrosis. She taught me so much about love and the daily building of relationship that I (and, I suspect, my ex-wife) had no comprehension of during marriage. I miss her every day, but if I die tomorrow, I die a happy man.
  1233. Suffice it to say, I learned a very different lesson about life and feminism from participating in an open marriage experiment. I learned that you risk the creation of a new human life outside the family you are being added to the mix. When you choose to take advantage of the waiving of your marriage vows you risk a woman being placed in the position of choosing to end a life or sacrifice convenience at the very least. You also risk learning that your spouse doesn't and never will feel the same way about you as you feel about her or him. Maybe in the long story of my life that was something I needed to learn and should have understood without all the drama. But it took a smack upside the head in my case to get it. What I learned was open marriage is no marriage at all. Now maybe that's a truth some people are comfortable with. But if you're not, it's not because you are cowardly or insufficiently committed to feminism. In fact, it may be because your heart and soul remain intact. If you waive your marriage vows you own the decision. When the consequences are not to your liking It's not about rules being broken. It's about the reason those rules exist in the first place and why it's very foolish to waive them. The feminist analysis that marriage is about patriarchy is fatally flawed for two reasons: first, if it were true that men willed the kind of power they are said to desire over women feminism would not have prevailed in less than a generation's time. Feminism is sometimes a sore winner or refuses to acknowledge victory, perhaps because it's really about something else; and second, marriage and family satisfy deep human needs shared by both women, men and the children they procreate together - needs that go to our very destiny as a species.
  1235. Best of luck to the author and his wife, but honestly, from what I read, they don't have a marriage - not even an open one. At best it appears they have negotiated an arrangement. He seems to think it meets their current needs, or is terrified to rock the boat. I hate to say it, but I doubt it will do so in the long run. We are so hubristically arrogant who believe we can reinvent human nature at a whim. And I say that from bitter experience.
  1237. FlagLike7 people like this.Reply
  1238. Surendra Jul 23, 2015
  1239. @sullinsea So, after reading your entire life story, What exactly you want to tell?????
  1240. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1241. sullinsea Jul 24, 2015
  1242. I arrived at a very different conclusion after "opening" a marriage. I think my conclusions speak for themselves. Think about it. The Doublespeak attempt to dress this mess up as the actuation of a feminist utopia is really just that - Orwellian Doublespeak: "War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength." And a dysfunctional arrangement is an "open marriage."
  1243. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1244. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  1245. @sullinsea Better practice that reading a little more.  
  1247. Your tale of immaturity and your teen marriage are not really applicable to a long term relationship seeking a little spice.  Contrary to your thoughts, you actually have to have a very strong relationship to consider opening it.  Lots of people think they want to try swinging.  The people in the Lifestyle can spot the broken relationships a mile away.
  1248. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1249. jeffrey.mejia Aug 20, 2015
  1250. @Rainbird @sullinsea RAINBIRD, just go back to whatever bizarro netherworld you came from.  You simply cannot be a human being, or even any actual species of animal of this Earth...
  1251. FlagLikeReply
  1252. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1253. @Rainbird @sullinsea
  1254. I understand that one guy is not enough for you sexually.  But for many other girls, one guy is enough already.  So stop trying to force your view onto them.
  1255. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1256. michael.lundquist Oct 21, 2015
  1257. That's bc people that swing know it all & can save the planet from the stupid ideas of family with dignity. You are all like wizards & I am merely a mortal.
  1258. FlagLikeReply
  1259. biggerbear Jul 23, 2015
  1260. Damn, reading the replies to this article is like reading a competition for 'who can sound more like a troll.'
  1261. Can't stop laughing at these comments, keep them coming!
  1262. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1263. aorn2005 Jul 23, 2015
  1264. .
  1265. FlagLikeReply
  1266. TruthAlwaysWorks Jul 23, 2015
  1267. Your wife manipulated you! You knew deep within from the start that it was not right. This has nothing to do with feminism, what is missing in your relationship is true LOVE! This article leads the younger generation into believing this is ok and it is NOT. Healthy, wholesome, committed relationships, spending time together working toward goals of helping other people together as a family is what binds people together for good or you would never have thought you were going to LOSE your wife to another man at anytime. Pathetic!
  1268. FlagLike5 people like this.Reply
  1269. biggerbear Jul 23, 2015
  1270. @TruthAlwaysWorks Wow, way to show your insecurity. True love has nothing to do with sexual exploration. I think that both the author and his wife realize that. Good for them. It sounds like they have a good, strong relationship with each other. I hope that someday you will realize that men and women are not property to be exclusively owned, like your hot wheels or transformers, but people to be genuinely loved and respected.
  1271. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1272. roninxx Jul 31, 2015
  1273. Well said. I think all the people who are disgusted, sick, demeaning, suggest the author's balls are kept in a box, insulting, claim this is unhealthy or immoral... They only demonstrate their own insecurity. They know if their girlfriend/wife was allowed sexual liberty, she would realise that she made a poor choice of partner and find someone better. A commitment to monogamy is just an attempt to avoid fear & social censure.
  1274. I might agree with some of the more articulate arguments regarding marriage as a commitment, if the whole institution had not been co-opted by the organized religions as a means to increase their populations and income.
  1275. Just look at how many marriages end in divorce these days, usually with bad feelings for everyone including any children unlucky enough to get caught in the middle. Obviously people are getting married for the wrong reasons, or don't really know their partner well enough. In these cases I think it much more healthy for all to explore the options. If this is the person you really want to be with, you will affirm that, and your love, relationship & commitment will be stronger. If you discover someone else who fulfills you more, it is better to know this and move on amicably, rather than both suffering through years or decades of resentment & dissatisfaction while depriving each other of time that could be spent in a truly loving and fulfilling relationship. And if, like the author, you find that you still want to stay together for whatever reasons, are mature enough to separate love and sex, and are truly happier fulfilling most of your sexual needs outside of the relationship with the one you love, fantastic!
  1276. There are billions of people in the world, and probably nearly as many ways of being happy & fulfilled. While it's never easy reconciling social standards & our animal instinct to protect our genetic lineage by discouraging our partners' sexual liberties, with the realities of modern humanity (e.g. birth control, rational thought, evolving social standards etc) at least some people, like the author, are trying with some success.
  1277. Other commenters have mentioned there are many reasons for sexual disparity: difference in libido, or specific fetishes for example. But, many like the author still find some value in their relationships, and have enough love to want to try to keep them despite these differences. If, for example, you and your partner were perfectly matched, except for your taste in music, would you force them to only listen to your style or leave? Or would you allow them to go to concerts without you, so that the rest of your time together can be enjoyed?
  1278. Why is sex any different?
  1279. Because of fear & insecurity, irrelevant instincts for possessiveness, and a historically patriarchal society which has developed 'morals & ethics' as a result.
  1280. I am in an open relationship, and I can say with absolute certainty that it has made our love & intimacy stronger. Agreeing to it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, but one of the best.
  1281. When I met my girlfriend, I was 27, she was 19 and in college. After a year, she was starting university. As per the typical lifestyle, she was going out for drinks after class with her friends, going to school events etc, and while I would go out once or twice a week, I was working full time and it wasn't practical for me to join her for 90% of the social events. So, she was at all these events staying faithful to me, while everyone else was exploring their sexuality. I began to realise this was putting a huge strain on our relationship, despite the fact that all other aspects were very good, including our sex life.
  1282. We both still found each other very attractive, and did and still do enjoy sex frequently. I just realised that she had a further need that was not being fulfilled, and she would resent me forever if I deprived her of this. So, we talked about it, and I suggested to her (without requiring an ocean of alcohol) that it would be beneficial to open the relationship, so long as we were honest about it. I do not begrudge her exploring her sexuality, and fulfilling her extra needs, so long as she tells me when it happens. I don't want the details; that doesn't excite me like it seems to for the author, I just don't want dishonesty. That is a one-way ticket to a failed relationship full of resentment and anger.
  1283. And the truth is, at first, she took full advantage of this, and was happy for the freedom, but the ultimate result? She realised that those experiences were empty compared to the love & passion that we share and hasn't felt the need to be with anyone else for years. And so, while I used to be a very insecure person, and worried constantly about the failure of our relationship due to the age difference, cultural differences, and my own perceived shortcomings, I am now very confident in us, and in myself as a worthwhile human being.
  1284. I never felt the need to excercise my side of the arrangement; my needs are more than met, and I had my share of experiences when I was younger. But I wasn't jealous, or emasculated. I'm happy. She's happy. We're still in love, for longer than many people stay married for, and we have no plans to marry.
  1285. We are in a very equal relationship: we both work, both go to school, share all expenses and responsibilities equally.
  1286. What more could two people hope to achieve than to be honestly happy and in love, whatever that might look like, or what closed-minded fearful people might say about it?
  1287. FlagLikeReply
  1288. melissa.kellett Aug 6, 2015
  1289. @roninxx my need for monogamy is not a sign of my insecurity. it is a sign of my need for monogamy. i am 100% supportive of people who choose to have an open relationship - i dont understand the mindset, but i support it if thats what works for you. dont insult my decisions by insinuating that they have been handed to me. i don't see this letter as the writings of a happy man, because it doesn't read like that to me. to me it reads like an unhappy man who has been convinced that he is being oppressive of his wife if he doesn't agree to it, whether he actually agrees to it or not. she kissed another man before he even knew she was interested in anything else, it took months to convince him, and it happens fairly frequently for her while not so much for him, as well as him being the one at home looking after the children while she goes to work. that doesn't sound even close to equal to me. he watched her TRY to fall in love with another man. that isn't security, that isn't healthy, and it certainly isn't my understanding of the meaning of an 'open' relationship. i was always under the impression that the open part was just sex? because if youre doing more than that its not an open relationship, it is several relationships at once
  1290. i am glad, for your sake, that it worked for you. it wouldn't work for me, because i don't want to share him. he is mine. he doesn't want to share me. i am his. i have only ever been with him, and only want to be with him. we have a bigger age gap than you do, he gets weird about it too. personally i prefer it - what can someone my age tell me that i dont already know? we watched all the same stuff, remember the same landmark events etc. *yawn* i love the difference.
  1291. you said you weren't jealous. this guy was. you suggested it to your girlfriend (i am actually impressed by that by the way, most people wouldn't be that brave) for HER benefit, his wife spent 6 months convincing him because of her own urges.
  1292. no, open marriages aren't necessarily 'wrong' but should someone actually be expected to have to go along with it if they don't want to? personally i feel something that takes 6 months worth of convincing (and an ocean of wine) is not likely to be anything short of an ultimatum - this is how it is, or there is nothing left. that isn't a relationship, that is control.
  1293. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1294. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1295. @biggerbear @TruthAlwaysWorks
  1296. If she wants to explore her sexuality, she can explore it after divorcing him, so she doesn't string him along while breaking his heart every night.
  1297. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1298. seesee Jul 23, 2015
  1299. @TruthAlwaysWorks
  1300. The author made it clear in the article that both him and his wife step out---it's not just all about her needs, apparently she's cool with him going out and getting with whomever like she does. It works both ways for both of them. If this is working out for them,fine. If not,they can always sign those divorce papers and move on. They obviously care enough about each other to keep an open line of communication about it, and that's the key there.
  1301. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1302. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1303. @seesee @TruthAlwaysWorks
  1304. She's cool with him sleeping with other girls.  But he is not cool with himself sleeping with other girls.  You can clearly see this from the article.  And because of that, this is no longer fair for him.  She should divorce him and let him go, so he can be with someone who is into monogamy, like him.
  1305. They are clearly not meant for each other.  She wants polygamy while he wants monogamy.  There's no point for her to coerced him into polygamy. Divorced him so she can be in a polygamy, while he can also be in a monogamy.
  1306. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1307. lordhelmet Jul 23, 2015
  1308. This article is clearly a sham designed to increase hits to "nymag.com".
  1309. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1310. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  1311. @lordhelmet Crawl out from under your rock and visit the world.  There are thousands of open marriages out there.  You don't have to be in one if you don't want to be but to deny they exist is a little naive.
  1312. FlagLikeReply
  1313. jeffrey.mejia Aug 20, 2015
  1314. @Rainbird @lordhelmet Yeah, as they say, the greatest trick the DEVIL ever pulled was convicing the world that it didn't exists!
  1315. FlagLikeReply
  1316. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1317. @Rainbird @lordhelmet No one is denying that open marraige does not exist.  Of course they exist, and of course they work.
  1318. BUT this is not an open marriage.  This is a COERCED open marraiged.  And that has to stop.
  1319. FlagLikeReply
  1320. matthew.wong Jul 23, 2015
  1321. If an open marriage works best for you, go ahead, but please don't call it a feminist movement because monogamy has nothing to do with oppression of women. It has nothing to do with what men can do and what women can't. Plenty of both men and women would find the idea of an open relationship unappealing, and it has nothing to do with genders and how we see them.
  1323. tl;dr, please don't attribute things to feminism when they're completely unrelated.
  1324. FlagLike5 people like this.Reply
  1325. john.hintergardt Jul 23, 2015
  1326. Care to join me in the toilet for a jolly puke?
  1327. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1328. Bob.Blaylock Jul 22, 2015
  1329. In the “Rule Thirty-Six” world, I am aware that there is a fetish for being publicly humiliated and degraded.  On reading this article, I have to wonder if Mr. Sonmore has this fetish, and of this article is really an attempt on his part to humiliate and degrade himself, in order to satisfy such a fetish.
  1331.   Taken as a whole, this article is clearly about much more than just his “open marriage”; it's about him willingly being emasculated in every stereotypical sense; and waving his emasculation in front of the whole world for all to see.
  1332. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1333. Rainbird Aug 10, 2015
  1334. @Bob.Blaylock ...Because to you, controlling your wife is the first order of masculinity?  
  1335. FlagLikeReply
  1336. jeffrey.mejia Aug 20, 2015
  1337. @Rainbird @Bob.Blaylock It is for every species of primate! Are you even one?
  1338. FlagLikeReply
  1339. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1340. @Rainbird @Bob.Blaylock How is her loyalty to him, and her exclusivity to him, an act of masculine control?  Didn't she agreed to that when she married him?  Isn't that what a marraige is?  For exclusivity?  Because if after you marry someone, you two are still not exclusive, then why marry at all in the first place?
  1341. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1342. william.weaver Jul 22, 2015
  1343. This is one of the stupidest and most cringe-worthy things I've ever read in my life.
  1344. FlagLike8 people like this.Reply
  1345. esmeralda.marina Jul 22, 2015
  1346. As a bisexual feminist, this made even ME cringe.
  1347. Dude's a doormat, and his wife is manipulating him (with his enabling) into redefining a whole bunch of words.
  1348. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  1349. 1153kat Jul 23, 2015
  1350. @esmeralda.marina I think it would be different if he entered into the marriage that way not pissed all over once it was said and done.
  1351. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1352. seesee Jul 23, 2015
  1353. @esmeralda.marina
  1354. How is he a doormat when he said in the article that his wife is cool with him going out with someone else too? Funny how everyone seems to have missed that part of the article. It would be interesting to hear his spouse's side of the story,though.
  1355. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1356. melissa.kellett Aug 6, 2015
  1357. @seesee because she forced him into it. you don't take six months and an ocean of wine to go along with something you entered into voluntarily. or did you not read that part? because she deliberately tried to fall in love with another man IN FRONT OF her husband. and still told him she didnt love him less? you simply do NOT deliberately inflict that amount of pain on someone you care about, or have decent human respect for. just because he is allowed to sleep around too, does not mean this is equality. he thought the marriage was one thing, and she kissed another man and then decided to tell her husband that it had to be something else, because she had desires.... how the hell is he NOT her personal doormat?
  1358. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1359. Zoney Jul 22, 2015
  1360. "As he writes this," the effete writer forgets to tell us a key component -- the location of the jar containing the shriveled remains of his long-last manhood..
  1362. Honestly, is this tongue-in-cheek? I want to believe it's satire, but I don't think it is.
  1363. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  1364. aldir.gracindo Jul 22, 2015
  1365. Funniest feminist article of the month!!!!
  1366. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1367. jasmin.newman Jul 22, 2015
  1368. Open relationships have ZERO to do with feminism. They are an age old solution to a common problem of mis matched libido's and also an answer to meet individual fantasies and fetishes that are not met by the partner involved. They have become very popular again recently and suit many couples to fulfil their needs outside the marriage - for both men and women. NOTHING feminist based in this at all. Why do feminists feel so concerned or inferior that they need to claim everything, even when it has nothing to do with feminism?
  1369. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1370. fgfgfg Jul 22, 2015
  1371. @jasmin.newman What's the difference between an "open" marriage and no marriage at all?  Roommates in a cuddle cafe?
  1372. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1373. MrNate EDITORS' PICK
  1374. Jul 22, 2015
  1375. If it works for them, that's great, but monogamy is NOT a form of "patriarchal oppression."  The assumption of monogamy is NOT that the woman in a relationship is bound to one man while the man goes out and has sex with as many partners as he pleases.  To suggest it is asinine.  I refuse to buy into the author's slant that he is doing something fundamentally correct.  His logic is completely flawed.  This has nothing to do with equality, but rather is an editorial of a relationship arrangement that happens to work for the author and his wife.
  1377. To the arguments of "well, cheating is bad, because if found out, it destroys marriages and ruins lives.." lol really?  If anything, what ruins the relationship is that obviously two people gave each other the expectation that they were exclusive, and instead of actually talking through, one person (or both) opted to violate that agreement without the other person's input.  For some if not many or most people, exclusivity is an important and integral part of their relationship.  A very much simplified example is if two colleagues in a tipping profession (Valet, Waitress/Waiter/Server, Bartender, exotic dancer etc) agree to split their tips and work together, but one decides share less or none at all with the other suddenly secretively, trust has been broken.  A betrayal has occurred.  Had the person who opted not to share his/her tips gone to the other and said "well, this isn't working for me, really.  I'd like to just keep my own tips," trust would not have been broken.  Although they were no longer 'partners,' their respect for one another would still be in tact, or would not be colored over by that betrayal.  It's a matter of respect.
  1379. The author and his wife made a mutual decision that works, in their estimation, for their family.  I will not judge him in the least for that.  More power to them.  I hope his wife has all the sexual fulfillment she wants and that he hears all about it (cause he seems likes it that way).  If at some later time, he finds that this arrangement is more harmful than good for himself and/or his children/family, I hope that he does have the fortitude to broach it with his wife.  Moreover, I hope that his wife at least gives him the same level of understanding and support that he is giving her now.
  1381. Most importantly, I do hope she is being up front with the guys she is dating.  The more people that are pulled into relationship, whether that is by all those involved or by one, the more exponentially complex it can become.  It would be extremely unfair for all involved if there is an aspect undisclosed about their arrangement.
  1383. Personally for me, I would expect my wife to be sexually exclusive with me because I would reciprocate the same.  That is equality, not stifling a woman's sexuality and self-expression.  That's the agreement I make going into marriage, and I expect us BOTH to honor it and honor each other.
  1385. Relationships, whether professional or personal, are built and destroyed around setting expectations and either fulfilling or not meeting them.  They are tied together by communication, which fosters understanding and instills confidence.  Ultimately, they are sustained and grown by mutual respect.
  1386. Like6 people like this.Reply
  1387. dogcrazyjen Jul 25, 2015
  1388. @MrNate  Well said. My only concern is that this man does not really sound excited for himself to do this. His wife basically said she wanted to do this. As a feminist he did not really feel he had a choice.
  1390. This is like if my husband, who makes all the money, said he wanted to buy a Ferrari. He offers to buy me one too, so it is equal. I don't feel like I can say no since he earns the money, but I don't really want a sports car because I am happy with what I have and find sports cars wasteful. But I go along so my husband gets what he wants, and I have this car I don't really want, but all things are equal, right? We discussed it, right?
  1391. If he truly is happy then that is amazing for the both of them. Not many people can find a relationship like that, where the communication and respect is both ways and total.
  1392. But as I was reading this, I got the impression he was not so happy. He did everything she wanted and it wasn't enough. It still isn't enough. It just makes me sad for him, and for their children. Because if he isn't ok with all of this, really, then they are the ones who will ultimately suffer. Luckily they have a dad who is wholly devoted to them.  
  1395. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  1396. jac.bergenson Jul 22, 2015
  1397. I'm not going to tell this person how to live their life, but still, this story is just delusional and mindblowing. Great for him. But let's get real here. Expecting your partner not to have sex with someone else while in a relationship/marriage is not "patriarchal oppression." It's an agreement. You marry someone, you agree to be with only them--traditionally, at least. Both parties are (traditionally) held to that same standard. It's not "feminist" to sleep with other men when you're in a marriage; it's just classless. And let's get real--this isn't an open marriage. It's one partner getting away with cheating. I don't see any indication that the man in this relationship is going out and "having his fun" as well--meaning he's more likely to just be some poor deluded fool who's wife got one over on him.
  1398. FlagLike7 people like this.Reply
  1399. joonas.niinimki Jul 22, 2015
  1400. Aww... this is just depressing story about a broken human being. I feel so sorry for the guy that he still hasn't left there, that he is so insecure and broken that he is not capable of leaving his abusive... whatever.
  1401. FlagLike5 people like this.Reply
  1402. jpurrsmore Jul 22, 2015
  1403. Wow, these comments are harsh!  I think this is great.  More marriages should be like this.  Cheating is rampant....is that somehow better?  If it's discovered it can destroy marriages and cause enormous pain.  This is an excellent alternative and I believe that they are both happy with the arrangement.  
  1404. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1405. Zoney Jul 22, 2015
  1406. @jpurrsmore -- It took a village idiot to like this comment.
  1407. FlagLike8 people like this.Reply
  1408. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1409. @jpurrsmore You're confusing an open marriage with this author's marraige.
  1411. This is NOT an open marriage.  This is a coerced marriage.
  1413. In an open marraige, both of them want it to be open.  In this article, only she wants it to be open.  She is forcing him to open it.  And he is doing opening it because he don't want her to leave him.
  1414. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1415. magickitty Jul 22, 2015
  1416. Can The Cut get Dan Savage to write an opinion piece on this article?
  1417. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1418. cranthom.roberts Jul 22, 2015
  1419. People here should read the reverse-genderized version of this article:
  1420. http://www.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/letting-my-husband-sleep-with-other-women-makes-me-a-better-mens-rights-activist/
  1421. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1422. Michael.de.Burbia EDITORS' PICK
  1423. Jul 22, 2015
  1424. Hmm.  Well, as one who is given to living and let live and affording to each his own, I would say, by all means, do whatever floats your proverbial boat.  That noted, I do take issue with some of your global assumptions - or, perhaps better, assertions.  I, too, am a stay-at-home Househusband.  The position entails everything one might immediately assume:  dish washing, laundry, vacuuming, bathroom cleaning, grocery buying, etc. While I believe that all labor, to some extent anyway, is a noble endeavor,  I can see how these particular tasks might be considered to be drudgery, particularly given that they are repetitive and accomplish only maintenance .  I would not, however, ever consider raising my children to either be withering or drudgery - on the contrary, it is the highest distinction of my life to have been given an opportunity to help shape the minds and hearts of new human beings.  I can think of no greater honor.  As to being economically dependent, this, too, is not entirely accurate.  Daycare alone would cost us over $1200 per month were I not at home.  Moreover, in addition to dishes, laundry, toilets, sweeping, and dusting, I also do other tasks - like re-wiring lamps, repairing dead refrigerators, shoring up crumbling cement steps, clearing gutters, mowing the lawn, trimming trees, patching drywall holes, sealing crawlspaces, repointing weathered masonry, re-caulking failing windows, and all manner of general household repairs.  These tasks, too, are valuable in and of themselves - in other words, the fact that I am not filing a W2 or 1099 in April does not mean that I am not contributing economic value to the household.  Indeed, when one considers my contribution in aggregate, it comes to tens of thousands of dollars.  My wife and I, then, are an economic team.  As to how the nature of our economic partnership somehow relates to feminism or otherwise affects our desire to openly sleep around on each other, I can only say that it does not.  My wife and I not only complete each other economically, but also sexually - we would not have gotten married were this not the case.  I fail to see the relationship between how our domestic responsibilities are delegated and our fidelity to our vows of monogamy.  Indeed, I would suggest that the two have somewhere around absolutely nothing to do with one another - unless, of course, one wants them to.  But again, to each their own.  Best of luck to you and your arrangement.
  1425. Like5 people like this.Reply
  1426. karoar.cphr Jul 29, 2015
  1427. @Michael.de.Burbia Dude, you could have cut out the entirety of your rambling about household chores. It really didn't add any flavor to your comment.
  1428. FlagLikeReply
  1429. MoeSislak Jul 22, 2015
  1430. Wow, what a weak weak human being. You're not in a marriage, you bought a house with a roommate and decided to have kids with a friend because you're scared of being alone and having nothing to show for it when you're an old man.
  1432. This is merely your desperate attempt at avoiding the big fat elephant in the room, you don't satisfy each other physically or spiritually and you two will divorce sooner or later, you're children will not be better off and no amount of feminist literature will make you feel better, it might actually make you worse off. Good luck keeping the house.
  1434. Congrats, your wife is Don Draper and you're Betty, except she had a few shreds of self respect.
  1435. FlagLike8 people like this.Reply
  1436. jeff.mo Jul 22, 2015
  1437. @MoeSislak An alternate theory is that not everyone is exactly like you, and you don't understand the author's perspective or marriage.
  1438. FlagLike3 people like this.Reply
  1439. scott.goldstein Jul 22, 2015
  1440. @jeff.mo @MoeSislak shalom
  1441. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1442. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1443. @jeff.mo @MoeSislak I understand why serial killers kill people, but that still doesn't make their view correct.
  1444. FlagLikeReply
  1445. fritz.kessler EDITORS' PICK
  1446. Jul 22, 2015
  1447. Oh man Michael...good on you for sharing such a vulnerable, poignant story, but don't forget a couple of things. You should never want or have to control your wife's sexual desires, but part of being in a marriage isn't about "controlling" each other's sex lifes...hopefully it's about wanting the same things in life - most importantly, each other. If you're both willing to sacrifice the security that comes with fidelity to each other, is that really what you want? Don't think for a second that you're being "anti-feminist" for wanting your wife to just be with you. And don't use feminism to rationalize suppressing your wants and needs in this relationship. There's nothing that says you can't be a feminist and still want a monogamous relationship.
  1448. Like6 people like this.Reply
  1449. fritz.kessler Jul 22, 2015
  1450. Oh, and one other thing Michael. Really being secure with yourself isn't about forcing yourself to be OK with a situation you don't want. It's about being true to yourself, even when the potential consequences are devastating. Don't live with that dread forever, my friend....
  1451. FlagLike4 people like this.Reply
  1452. karoar.cphr Jul 29, 2015
  1453. @fritz.kessler His wife is using feminism to force her husband into being a cuck. It's very sad. Then again, he did say that he enjoyed hearing about her sexual rendezvous..
  1454. FlagLikeReply
  1455. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1456. @fritz.kessler Really, if the auther is a true femenist, he woudl want true equality.  In other word, his needs, wants, and desires, are as important as hers.  So why is she putting hers above his?  Why is she emforcing polygamy when he clearly wants monogamy?
  1457. FlagLikeReply
  1458. Bolle Jul 22, 2015
  1459. Have you ever thought about the coinicide of you staying at home and your wife wanting to get laid by other men? Guess what, you are no more sexually attractive for her as a househusband. Sexual desire is not about choice, it happens in subconscious parts of the brain.
  1460. FlagLikeReply
  1461. Bolle Jul 22, 2015
  1462. double post, sorry
  1463. FlagLikeReply
  1464. roger.hawks Jul 22, 2015
  1465. I'm sure I'm the only person that will make this comment: the thing that bothered me most about this article was this phrase:"withering drudgery of child-rearing".  Wow.  You consider raising children to be withering drudgery.  
  1467. My daughter is 10 now. I've been working full time (a 50+ hour a week technical management position) and raising her as  single father since before she could walk.  There are occasional (rare) trying times of course.  But never once have I considered raising her to be drudgery.
  1469. I feel sorry for you Mike.  That one phrase speaks volumes about your outlook on life and the kind of person you are.
  1470. FlagLike7 people like this.Reply
  1471. karoar.cphr Jul 29, 2015
  1472. @roger.hawks Well, him being a simpering cuckold, should have spoken volumes about his 'character' ---- his kids are an afterthought to both him and his wife. Imagine the kids growing up and noticing that mommy is never home at night. KIDS: "Why is mommy never home?" CUCKOLD: "She's out with John tonight -- or is it Carl?"  KIDS: "Why does mommy go out all the time with strangers?" CUCKOLD: "Because I'm a good, progressive, husband!". Those kids are going to grow up resenting both of their parents, I swear on my life that they will.
  1473. FlagLike1 person likes this.Reply
  1474. shecallsmemoe Jul 22, 2015
  1475. You have a cuckold/humiliation fetish, but you're trying to wrap in a cloak of feminism.
  1476. FlagLike11 people like this.Reply
  1477. Mick27 Jul 22, 2015
  1478. This is one of the sickest things things I've ever written. I have a girlfriend and yes, I restrict her sexuality, the same way she restricts mine. It's called being faithful. I don't think for one second the author is happy with this set up. I think he's terrified of losing her but goes along with her adultery like a good little feminist boy.
  1479. FlagLike5 people like this.Reply
  1480. ReRock Jul 22, 2015
  1481. Reasoning makes sense.  But there's an inherent unfairness to this arrangement, only hinted at by his own failure to disclose how he has taken advantage of it.  Fact is, we live in an anti-feminist world. For every women who takes up her freedom to have lovers as she will, there are a hundred, five hundred who will not.  This means the one who does enjoys an open field, for as much sex as she wants or can handle.  Men, on the other hand, are much more willing to live like this, or at least to love like this. For feminist husband, this means he faces substantial competition out there, for the very small number of women who are willing to sleep with a guy who is already committed, just for fun.
  1482. Do the math any way you like, and to be equitable she should stay in (10, 20, 50) times as often as he does.  
  1485. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1486. james.simmons Jul 21, 2015
  1487. The real question here is, does the husband get to sleep around too? Or is this a one sided deal...
  1488. FlagLikeReply
  1489. MCH99 Jul 21, 2015
  1490. @james.simmons He writes that he does, but not as often as his wife.
  1491. FlagLikeReply
  1492. Mick27 Jul 22, 2015
  1493. @james.simmons
  1494. FlagLikeReply
  1495. Mick27 Jul 22, 2015
  1496. @james.simmons I'd imagine he gets the occasional coffee date, while she's getting rallied by ten dudes a week she meets on Tinder.
  1497. FlagLike2 people like this.Reply
  1498. shecallsmemoe Jul 22, 2015
  1499. @james.simmons He says he does, but that is a lie so his wife doesn't think even less of him.
  1500. FlagLikeReply
  1501. It_Took_a_Village Jul 22, 2015
  1502. Ands you know this how, Creskin?
  1503. FlagLikeReply
  1504. thelastguy Sep 12, 2015
  1505. @james.simmons He stated he does, but rarely.  He either can't get laid outside of marraige, OR, he loves her too much to be doing something like that to her.  Which just makes everything she does worst.
  1508. but there are hundredso of older comments
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