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a guest May 7th, 2013 1,919 Never
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  1. Intelligence Analysts Plan OpUSA to Circumvent Furloughs
  2.  
  3. In an exclusive interview granted by source at the Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA), it has been revealed that OpUSA was designed to help Intelligence Analysts who were hurt by furloughs. “After the Sequester, we were really worried about what would happen to our paychecks.” said one analyst under the conditions of anonymity. “I got into this field believing that war profiteering was a guaranteed paycheck. After Obama took office, that paycheck wasn't nearly as secure.”
  4. Sources within the US Government identified May 7th as the day that most of the intelligence community would see a large reduction in their workforce. Furloughs, or involuntary leave time, is taken by governments as a cost cutting measure. “They told us that all of the non-essential staff would have to go home on that day in order to save the Government a few million dollars!” The trick, says analysts, is to make yourself essential on the day of the furlough.
  5. “During the last round of budget cuts in 2011, we enticed the Taliban into an argument on Twitter. Sure, that kept a couple of us on the job, but this time we wanted more!” Sources close to the story have validated the ongoing Twitter feud between ISAF-HQ and the official Taliban Twitter accounts.
  6. “It was too easy! We watched the media and the hackers over-hype ‘Operation Israel’ and we thought ‘Why not us!?” With that, Jim opened up his personal laptop and logged into mIRC-chat for Anonymous #OpIsrael. He then started yelling about America. “Jim was a blast! He used the name NotAFed to throw them off his trail, then began ranting about how great Operation Israel was. He even used broken English just to fit in!” Half way through the discussion, Jim reports that he started downloading terabytes worth of porn in order to slow his connection. “We couldn't have our ping-times look like we were connection from an internet backbone address. So we downloaded all the porn we can find! For America, of course!”
  7. After a few minutes of “Death to America” rants, it is reported that Jim suggested an attack against America on May 7th. “It was too easy! We knew these kids couldn't hack their way out of a paper bag with a machete!” As predicted, the idea spread like wildfire. Media sources, Jihadist websites, and major financial banking CEOs are reported to have mentioned OpUSA over the course of the following month.
  8. “Our plan went better than expected!” Jim noted, “The Jihadists really believed that they were going to bring America to justice!”
  9. After planting the idea, it is reported that Jim started a flame war with fellow analysts in the chat room. “We spent the next hour calling each other feds! For the lulz, of course!”
  10. The intelligence community would like to formally thank Anonymous and the Jihadist community for helping them avoid the furlough and siphon off millions of dollars in overtime pay.
  11. “I’m going to spend the next 24 hours ‘analyzing the shit’ out of OpUSA! In the end, I get to write a 1 page report and take home some extra cash! OpUSA just paid for my next vacation!”  
  12. Sadly, the event didn't go as planned for everyone involved. Jim noted his buddy in the NSA “who was tasked with wiretapping all the phones in advance of OpUSA.” Jim said “the poor bastard actually caught a terrorist trying to shut down the power grid in Seattle. Now, he is going to miss the OpUSA after party down at the Crusty Eagle.”
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