This Is Not A Lesbian Romance

Nodd morosely watched the screen of her smartphone. It was another message by her mother, asking her when she finally would get married and produce at least three grandchildren. She sighed.
Her life lately had been terribly empty, and she didn't have the heart to tell her mother that although she was almost 30, she still hadn't been able to find the right person to settle down with. And it wasn't as if she weren't trying! Just yesterday she had fantastically awesome sex with seven sorority-sisters—but she had to accept that even the perkiest breasts of nubile young women couldn't hide the loneliness in her life anymore. Her old therapist had told her for years that she needed to be honest with herself and settle down at some point. Maybe she wouldn't have an orgy tonight. What was the point anyway, if it only left her feeling more lonely until the next one? She couldn't stand the thought of wasting the rest of her life away with daily orgies with young college girls. She'd be miserable the entire time!
"Still drinking that vegetarian beer, do you?" her somewhat-obnoxious but always likable best friend commented on the drink in front of her. Nodd only nodded. She was always willing to contribute to the betterment of the planet, and she still couldn't believe that patriarchal bastards like Governor E. Vile had managed to pass their infamous 'Less Environmental Protection, and more Animal Murder!' bill. As a strict vegetarian, she did her best to the feminist cause and had changed her diet to be meat-free. Except for bacon and hamburgers. And the occasional BBQ or Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Either way, one day, they'd show those child-molesting murderers!
But that was a problem for the sequel.
"Well, I've got good news for you," best friend smirked. Then she gestured at a new woman that had just entered their lesbian hang-out. "Look at that one over there! She's totally been checking you out those last few paragraphs!"
Nodd raised an eye-brow at her best friend, then turned to watch who she was talking about.
Piercing blue eyes met sparkling green eyes.
Thunder struck. Not the AC/DC song, because destiny had a shitty taste in music, but real-life thunder—including lightning. Only for her, an angelic choir sang a maudlin 1965 country song that never made it into the MTV Top 100 charts as her nipples stiffened.
The smirk on her friends face threatened to split her visage in two, and she waved over a waitress to mob up the puddle of wetness that had instantly pooled beneath Nodd.
By the Great Goddess, whoever the green-eyed woman was, she had the most irresistible personality ever!
Slowly, as if connected by the red-strings of fate themselves, they walked towards each other.
"I like riding," the green-eyed beauty said.
"What a coincidence. I like women who like riding," Nodd commented, still unable to look away from those smoldering green eyes. The tension was unbearable, although not quite literally so. It just sounded better that way.
"Great. I like women who liked women who like riding. We should get out of her," the woman continued. "And I know just the right trail for a wild ride on a moon-lit night like this."
"We're both drunk and exhausted from an evening of partying in a lesbian bar. I'm sure it'll be beautiful. But not as beautiful as your eyes," Nodd blushed. She couldn't believe she had just said a line as corny as that. Something about those green eyes made her feel like a teenager again, almost like when she talked her math teacher into a threesome with the sexy librarian.
But corny as her pick-up line was, it was also the heartfelt truth. Those eyes were really the greatest she had ever seen. Their sheer greenness would be able to compel her to do anything.
Anything at all. To be daring. To hope again. For grand children, picket fences and the Easter Bunny. Suddenly, she understood the type of yuri doujinshi she had never understood before—before those green eyes, she would have no limits either. "I'll drive," Nodd said breathlessly.
Her love interest nodded. Since Nodd was more butch, it was only expected that she'd play around with her stick. Of her car. To shift gears. And such.

"It's such a beautiful night," Nodd's new love mused. "And I can't believe that Murders-Children-For-Fun has taken to you this quickly!"
"I have a way with horses," Nodd nodded seriously. "My grandmother always said that her talking raven told her it was because we're 1/32th Native American, but of course I don't believe such non-sense."
"I know what you mean," green-eyes said, before tenderly taking Nodd's hand. "But for just this moment, and the rest of the novel, don't you want to believe that there is something more to all this? To us?"
Nodd swallowed hard. She had to, as her mouth was suddenly incredibly dry. All the moisture of her body had again escaped elsewhere. "Kiss me," she said huskily.
"With pleasure." And she did. And it was great. But then she looked embarrassed. "I haven't ever done anything like this before. In fact, I'm probably not even a lesbian." Which was true. She had after all been married for the last 10 years to her childhood sweetheart. Luckily, her attorney's office was still open, even in the middle of the night, so a quick divorce hadn't been an obstacle to her new-found love.
Although she hadn't realized that something was missing from her love life, the moment her eyes had met Nodd's was the moment she realized her life would never be the same again. Her husband—ex-husband didn't have piercing blue eyes, after all. In retro-perspective, it seemed silly that she held on so long to their marriage. She had only thought that she was happy, when in truth she was miserable and trapped and depressed and basically near suicide all along. Who'd have guessed? She certainly hadn't noticed until tonight.
"Don't worry. Now that we have this incredibly romantic moment I can safely tell you that I have slept with 1207 different women and I still have all their phone numbers. For advise. So I know what I'm doing." Nodd paused. "But just to make sure I always have this lesbian romance novel with me that'll tell you exactly what to do." Then she kissed her again, and the scene faded to black.

"Last night was so beautiful," Nodd's destined one proclaimed the next morning, her green eyes full of tender love. "Did I do OK? I was a bit unsure about that thing with that other thing on page 37."
"Oh honey, you did more than OK. The entire experience was so indescribably good that no author would dare to actually write the scene." Truth be told, she had been a bit worried about the page 37 thing, too. The last time a girl had gotten the thing in the wrong thing they had to call fire department, and that been more embarrassing than finding out that her father was secretly collecting stamps for fun. Although, there had been that sexy butch—anyway, she was a taken woman now and such thoughts were beneath her new self.
"Honey, is it now? I remember someone else being quite sweet last night, too." Her green eyes twinkled with mirth.
"Hey, that's—" Nodd's protest ceased as Murders-Children-For-Fun started nibbling on her hair, and the newly minted couple laughed at the endearing scene. "I forgot this guy was still around!"
"Well, it's not like he's necessary for the plot anymore. Talking about horses, we should get married, now that we have had fantastic sex."
"Good idea. How about next Sunday?" Since the setting hadn't been properly established, there was was no reason why they couldn't have a nice, elaborate Church wedding at the next opportunity.
"That sounds perfect. You're such a romantic. I love you!"
"And I love you!" They gazed into each others eyes, full of love, their lips drawing closer for yet another kiss—
"Nodd T. Audr!"
"Mom?! What are you doing here?" Nodd hastily scrambled back from her soon-to-be-wife, grabbing the shirt she had discarded last night. It was a bit late for modesty, but she had at least try to pretend that she cared. "What with the lack of descriptions, I don't even know where the heck I am, so how did you find us?!"
"It wasn't easy," her mother declared with a huff, "but I remembered that you had plans with your best friend last night. Luckily I had her number, so I called her over for a glass of wine. She was already a bit drunk, one thing lead to another and—wait, that's not important. She ultimately got around to telling me you went on a ride with someone, so I called every stable in the city, until I found the one that had rented out to a couple of women late last night. Tracking you girls from there wasn't difficult."
Nodd felt that her mother had just skipped over something very important, but if it actually mattered, it probably would be brought up again later, when the dramatic effect could be maximized. "But—why track me down at all?! My phone is right there! It's even on! Full connection and batteries! You could have called!"
"Oh," momentarily her mother looked vaguely sheepish. "It just seems like those fancy gadgets are always dead in the wrong moments. How could I know the darn thing would have been useful for once? Anyway, I expect you over for breakfast in an hour. And bring your new girlfriend."
"Of course," Nodd grumbled, quickly glancing at the person she'd spend the rest of her life with. She got a reassuring smile in return, and Nodd breathed in relief. She hoped her parents would get along with the woman who would soon be part of their family, too.

"I read something disturbing on the Internet yesterday," Nodd's dad declared, once he had read the sports section of the newspaper like any proper man of the house.
"What was it, dad?" Nodd asked, curious now. There were a lot of disturbing things on the Internet, and many of them were quite interesting. In a disturbing sort of way. But still interesting.
"It was article about women loving women." He paused, for dramatic effect. "And they said it was filthy and evil!"
Nodd gasped. Could it be true?! It was written on the Internet, after all! But, no, that couldn't be. Her new-found love was right and pure, especially the amazing sex. "Are you sure it didn't say 'not filthy and not evil'?" she asked her father.
He narrowed his eyes at her, apparently thinking about it. "Might be," he finally conceded. "Or they might have said that it was filthy in a good way, if you catch my drift," he laughed.
Nodd laughed with him. Her father was a bit of a pervert, but it was what made him so endearing.
Meanwhile, her mother reassuringly stroked Nodd's greatest love's thighs. "Don't worry dear, they are always like this when Nodd brings her one true love home for the first time." She moved her hand further up, looking deeply into her soon to be daughter-in-law's green eyes. "But I can tell that you are different."
They both chuckled. Of course she was. She had a horse, and the right eye color, and they had amazing sex. And if Nodd's father tried to interfere, well, she was quite good at photoshopping. Maybe a picture of him in his wife's underwear—she glanced at her future mother-in-law. She was sure she'd cooperate. Out of the goodness of her heart, and her, of course entirely motherly, love for her future daughter. She'd soon have to drop by for a cup of hot coffee. And if Nodd was busy and couldn't come, well, that would be just an unfortunate coincidence.
"Come on, my green-eyed honey, we're leaving," Nodd declared, once she was done with her pancakes and had finished discussing her latest porn fetishes with her father.
"Don't forget to come by Sunday for lunch," Nodd's mother reminded her on the way out.
"Of course mom, I promise," Nodd reassured her.
She hadn't finished her sentence when the green-eyed love of her life next to her gasped. "What? But you said we'd get married next Sunday!"
"Next Sunday, the Sunday next week!" Nodd explained, exasperated.
"But next Sunday is the Sunday this week!" Nodd's feisty lover screamed. "I can't do this anymore! How can I trust somebody who isn't even precise with temporal terms?! Do you actually mean you love me now or maybe only in the next life, when we're both miraculously reunited as reincarnated lovers? How could you do this to me!? I won't have an excuse to visit your mother now!" Before Nodd could say anything else, what would have been her future wife ran away.
"Oh dear," Nodd's mother said, and Nodd decided that that summed up her dilemma quite nicely. Oh dear.

Nodd sat slouched on her couch, inconsolable. She had thought she finally had found the chosen one, and yet she was alone again. As if last evening had just been a random pick-up with fantastic sex like on any other day of her life.
She sighed, and snuggled Ms. Whiskers closer to her. Her pet cat always kept her sane and grounded. Absentmindedly stroking her pet, she considered her options.
Perhaps she could give up on love. She could call one of the college sororities nearby and go back to a life full of parties, alcohol and orgies. But would she truly be able to do that, now that she knew  how fulfilled she had been, in a life shared with a partner?
Maybe it hadn't been a very long time, but to her it had practically felt like at least half a day. An eternity in the modern world, as Nodd saw things. And the longest she had ever been with any single woman.
So if giving up was not an option, she had to win back her love. Perhaps she could drug and abduct her? Stockholm Syndrome might work. But she didn't actually know where her vict—love lived, and anyway, it all sounded like she'd have to do a lot of work. She didn't even own a basement to keep her captive in.
Love was fine and all, but actually working for it didn't appeal too much to her. Wasn't that what instant attraction was there for?
She bit her lower lip, trying to come up with something else. She scratched beneath her cat's collar, who contently purred back at her—"That's it, Ms. Whiskers! I'll just marry her this Sunday before lunch with my parents, and then again next Sunday! Brilliant! This solves everything!"
She kissed her cat in gratitude, tongue and all. Ms. Whiskers was a very good kisser, and an even better listener. Perhaps because she had been a therapist before choosing the life of a live-in pet, but whatever it was, she always helped Nodd to think clearly when she was in a difficult spot.
With renewed resolve, she walked towards her apartment door, opening it with a will. But what she saw there stopped her in her tracks.
"Evil Ex! What are you doing here?!"
"Oh sweetie, your best friend called." Her nose crinkled, as she apparently thought of something. "Thinking about it, why did she call from your mother's phone? And who was that other voice I heard in the background?" Then she shook herself, clearly not eager to go into that topic just then. "Anyway, she thought you might need some consolation now that you are single again." Nodd's eyes widened She knew what her evil ex's idea of consolation was. And it wasn't that Nodd had minded much, in the past. Her evil ex was sexy, great in bed, awesome at giving orgasms, responsive to her touch, a fantastic kisser, open-minded towards any kink she had, had a large collection of toys—
"Enough delaying!" the evil ex declared, and kissed Nodd, hard.
"We—we can't!" But Nodd's voice sounded unsure even to herself. Technically, she was single right now, after all. If the case went to court, she knew her destined wife had no legality to stand on. Why had they broken up again, anyway?
"Yes, we can!" the ex declared forcefully.
And so they did.


Nodd sat in the same bar, nursing the same vegetarian beer as the first time she had meet the green eye beauty that had stolen her heart forever.
What? Well, she didn't get around to finish the beer the last time, and she was too environmentally conscious to waste it. Besides, she always thought of children in Africa who would surely like some beer. In fact, she might send over a case or two if she remembered the next day. Good deeds always made her feel better, especially if it concerned people that were even more miserable than she was.
But were they? Maybe they at least had each other. In various combinations.
Was it only yesterday that her life had looked so full of hope? Not quite, now that she looked at the clock on the wall. At that time she was still morosely contemplating the same emptiness she felt now.
Sex with her ex had been fantastic, as she had expected, but it had done nothing to get her would-be wife back. And she afterwards had to finally realize that they weren't for each other. They both had the same blue eyes. She didn't know what to—that's when she spotted a green-eyed woman entering the bar.
Not just any green-eyed woman.
Her green-eyed woman.
Their eyes met, just like the first time. Wasn't that ironic? Maybe. She'd have to look up the definition of 'irony' on Wikipedia later on.
"I'm sorry that I confused this coming Sunday with next Sunday. It won't happen again, I promise!" she quickly burst out, before her courage fled her. And that lurk-warm beer was really pressing on her bladder, so she had to hurry up about this.
"Mh, I don't know." Nodd could see that her resolve was wavering, but she wasn't quite ready to forgive her temporal transgression just yet.
"Let me make up to you? What if I married you this Sunday, and the next Sunday—and every Sunday after that?"
"Oh, that's just brilliant! Let's do it! I love you so much! I was wrong to run away. Your mother and best friend helped make me understand that." She had an oddly dreamy look on her face, but Nodd was too happy to worry about that. "We should spend the rest of our lives together!"
"And we well, my many-times-future wife, my perpetual-fiance!"
And they kissed, and lived happily ever after. Or at least until the sequel, where one of them gets cancer and dies.
"By the way, what do you think of watersports?"

The End