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Jan 20th, 2020
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  1. The first year, I was living with my now-ex (she was my first and only thus far). It was exciting, we moved from our hometown together. She had some issues, which meant that we had some issues, and it needed to end. 'course it isn't that simple, it's just the gist. We were together for two years. The breakup was pretty challenging for me, we were co-dependent so being alone was very different. I only mention it because that whole experience more or less dominated my first year of college. I sort of relied on her for social interaction, so when that wasn't a desirable option anymore I had to come to terms with the fact that I didn't have any friends, or really anybody in my life at all. A few acquaintances in a few classes, I'm sure you know how that is. And I have family back home too, but if you feel alone you are pretty much alone.
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  3. The thing is, social interaction just wasn't really something I cared for. I was sort of awkward, so that was really off-putting for me and I assumed for others, too. The only reason that I felt so lonely was that I saw others with friends and seemingly very positive and avid social interaction. And I thought that I desperately wanted that.
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  5. So, I viewed myself as desperate, and I suppose that's probably what others picked up too. I just went at it alone, and slowly accepted my loneliness.
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  7. There wasn't a turning point, but eventually I found myself realizing how free I am. I'm not tied to obligations from the girl, I'm not required to do things I don't really enjoy just to be able to interact with others. I came to relish in my loneliness, and I kept that like a secret. I found out what I genuinely enjoy (ie I found hobbies other than video games), and I focused on enjoying life rather than wanting someone else's enjoyment of life. I might've viewed myself as an underdog- someone who appears mundane and boring, but is vividly alive and loving it under the surface.
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  9. Scratch the first statement there. There was a turning point, it happened in one night. Spring break of last year, I went back home for a week or so. I took some acid with a friend of mine, he read some poems from the Tao and sort of invited me to consider God. The change wasn't instant (in fact it took months), but eventually this experience came back to bless me. He sort of hit on me and wouldn't drop it so the experience itself came to be incredibly tense and awkward, but I digress. The way that I came to currently be through this experience is incredibly complex, and I don't think that I could fit such an idea into words. But, I cultivated around love, philosophy, and God.
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  11. Long after giving up the idea of being a 'normal college student' with friends and meeting new people and being social, it is falling in to place. I've been on a very hot streak the past few months, and there is no end in sight. I still have bad days, but I come to cherish the bad days- they let me truly appreciate how lucky I am to be able to have good days (and a lot of them). They are laughably infrequent, I have had maybe 3 very negative days in the past 3 months.
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  13. The past month in particular, has been amazing. I've been snowboarding probably 14 out of the past 30 days, have learned new tricks and how to ride switch. A new person talked to me in each of my classes, two of them were women and one of them has plans to go ice skating with me :) The semester just started but I've been keeping up with the readings, which is something I never really did before. We've gotten a ton of snow which is awesome because I love snow. I got a job as a direct care staff for developmentally disabled adults- I work about 20 hours a week, I'm doing excellent financially, and I absolutely love the job. I'm very good at it, and I'm forming bonds with my coworkers (I just introduced one of them to DMT last week). Still addicted to nicotine, but I've accepted that. That's okay, plenty of time to kick the habit before I need to struggle with it (I vape not smoke, and I'm pretty sure that isn't terrible for me).
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  15. These are all fairly accomplishable things for most people, so it might not seem too successful or amazing. But I feel absolutely fantastic, and I'd say that matters more than the meat. I was definitely depressed (don't need a doctor's note, I know what it is because I lived it) for an 'above-standard' amount of time after the breakup. I would say between six and nine months, until I really got over it. (I thought I was over it like two weeks after we broke up, but turns out I'm just dumb). Overcoming that- well, I'm due for some positivity, I guess. Did not realize I was about to win the emotional lottery, though. Hopefully the draught isn't too tragic.
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  17. The solution to your problem is extremely simple, but of course simple doesn't necessarily mean easy. You just need to let go. You need to accept yourself, for whatever it is that you are. There are a lot of ways to do this, but simply, you need to find yourself. You need to know what you are in order to accept that. Luckily, doing this is a lot of fun. You get to try some new things. Things involving exercise were apparently necessary for me. I learned a lot about myself through mountain biking- I suppose I like to be pushed, challenged, and exhausted, I like to use momentum to my advantage, I like to go fast. I like cessation of thought. I like adrenaline. Sometimes, I push myself too hard. Sometimes, going out of my comfort zone leads to failure- but thus far I've always recovered very quickly. I learned that exiting your comfort zone is just about the only thing you can do to expand your comfort zone. I found traits that suitably described me seemingly fundamentally, and automatically applied those to other situations (I wasn't thinking about any of this, I was just enjoying biking). Shoot, this is a big tangent. You need to find yourself, so you can accept yourself. Once you've done that, you won't feel that your problems are really problems, they are just notions. You could translate them to desires, and let the universe do its shit to make it happen. Law of attraction, baby.
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  19. See, you can exploit universal laws to your advantage (God is okay with this, don't worry). Literally all you need to do is enjoy yourself, and everything else will fall into place. You don't even need to understand how it works, just find out how to enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, and observe all the positive phenomena. But if you do want to understand how it works, here is how. When you are enjoying yourself, you feel a certain kind of comfort (the comfort you are lacking when you aren't enjoying yourself). This translates into happiness. If you enjoy yourself, you will probably be happy. When you're happy, you radiate happiness. You accidentally wear a smile, your eyes are looking happy, all that jazz. Others see this, and they want in on that action. Happiness is contagious- who doesn't want to be happy? They will throw themselves at you to catch your bug. A bit of an overstatement, but barely. We're all people here, they don't care or notice if you're a loner as long as you're happy. Now, you can keep it to yourself, or you can share it. They will do all the groundwork, don't worry about that. Opportunity will arise (often, too), and you will automatically capitalize on it. Don't fake it though, there is nothing more devastating than fake happiness. That's a good thing though, because it means you don't need to try to be happy, you just need to try to enjoy yourself and then you will be happy automatically.
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  21. Now, before you call me crazy, forget that you believe anything. Seriously, let it go. Now, I'm speaking to you as God, creator of your existence. I'm allowed to do this, because I am God. Legit, just enjoy yourself. What sounds like sustainable fun to you? (For Jacob, mountain biking and snowboarding come to mind- there are other things, but none are as reliable). Do that. I will do everything else. You don't need to worry about what this dude is saying- this is literally ALL that you need to do in order to succeed: enjoy yourself, often. You can take my word for it, you can even hold me accountable in tangent with yourself for believing me.
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  23. Feel free to question it and me, but don't deny it. Take it for an unverifiable statement at worst, not a false one. And before you decide: no, I'm not crazy; just crazy good.
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  25. Concisely:
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  27. Will I ever get over this hurdle?
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  29. That's entirely up to you. If you take my advice, I have faith that things will work out to your benefit. If you don't, you will probably still get over it in due time- you will just have to come up with a plan of your own, if you don't believe in mine.
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  31. What are your thoughts on what I should do?
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  33. Enjoy yourself. If you're not sure how, find out how, by doing things that you might enjoy. It's a multi-faceted beast, you don't need to just enjoy one thing or another. I enjoy my hobbies, my job, most aspects of college, my morning routine, my diet, my nightly routine, etc. I don't do it on purpose, but sometimes I do take a moment to appreciate how lucky I am to be able to enjoy most of my existence.
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  35. It's easier said than done, but I've chosen this specifically because A)It will get results and B)You will probably have fun in the process. There are a lot of things that I could tell you to do, and if you do them you will succeed. In this moment, I think this is what you will be most accepting of, because who doesn't like fun? Plus it's easy to progress. The hardest thing about this plan is finding a place to start. You will probably have to consider doing some new or different things, and there is a lot out there my dude.
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  37. The only problem that you have left: I don't know you, so I don't know if you're capable of fulfilling this plan. I don't even know if I'm capable of fulfilling this plan- I fell into it, I didn't do this on purpose, it just happened and I'm loving it.
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  39. So, I encourage you to come up with your own plan. This way if mine never takes hold, you will at least have gained something from this. How can you do this? I'll reiterate the three points I left in my last comment, with some more and a little brevity: Learn how to meditate. Try psychedelics. Understand God. Transform your life. Figure out how you did it. Keep doing it. Love it all.
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  41. That's what it's all about, man. It's just about love. That warm, gooey feeling engrained in the core of your being. That's love. You don't need to get it from anywhere else, just love yourself. It's okay to be addicted to it, because the supply is endless and unconditional <3
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  43. Addiction has a lotta connotation. Nobody seems to gripe with the fact that we're addicted to air and water. Substance abuse is what we mean when we think of addiction. It's very difficult to abuse love, but please don't try. That's how we get holocausts, wars, greed, fear, terror. It's love all the same, but an abuse of it imo. You don't want or need that kind of power, just be good please. I'll love you either way though; I don't plan to rescind my oath.
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