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  1. She femaled femininely across the room, her breasts breasting breastily, her jeans were tighter than my ashole,
  2. Which ed sheeran song is this,
  3.  
  4. I’m so mad i woke up with my lips all swollen and bumpy and i was like what is happening is this an extreme cold sore outbreak or an allergic reaction what fate am i suffering,
  5. Anyway, my lips are sunburt,
  6. What were you doing that only your lips are sunburnt,
  7. Kissing my sun goddess g f next question,
  8.  
  9. Why most food be nutritious is it not enough for bread and cheese to be grilled,
  10.  
  11. A heated-up watermelon totally sucks,
  12. I was a teenage fruit fricker,
  13. Absolutely anyone can write anything they want for vice.com,
  14.  
  15. One of my favorite tropes is when your group of main characters has been split up for questioning and they’re all answering the same questions in a neatly spliced montage,
  16. My favorite trope is when the stories blatantly and hilariously conflict,
  17.  
  18. If i was like, every time i cute steak into a different shape there’s a brand new word for it everyone else would be like no that’s stupid, but we let pasta get away with anything,
  19.  
  20. Motorized shed hits 100 miles per hour to break speed record at pendine sands,
  21. The fastest shed has lived up to its name and beat its own record time, reaching 100 miles per hour,
  22. Heck yes dude,
  23. Act now, these homes are going fast,
  24.  
  25. All women born after 800 a d do is tempt, blaspheme, witchcraft, eat potent herbs to aid in their foul divinations, and lie,
  26.  
  27. The goose from that goose game just runs around yelling vibe check at everyone but we can’t understand him,
  28. Press y to vibe check,
  29.  
  30. Me, level 80 warlock, hanging out in cathedral square with my level 76 night elf girlfriend and my level 80 succubus minion,
  31.  
  32. Found this little guy browsing the chips,
  33.  
  34. Wasteland, and i cannot stress this enough, baby,
  35.  
  36. I am the boss, all proceeds go to me,
  37.  
  38. One of my favorite things in the entire world is when there’s a huge thunderstorm outside and it’s raining heavily and you’re in bed swathed in blankets and you have just never felt warmer and safer than you do in that moment,
  39.  
  40. Hey it’s almost 12 a m, how do we all feel about this fish,
  41. Smash or pass,
  42. Who told you this was okay,
  43. Smash,
  44.  
  45. The united states of america has just accepted it’s 51st state, texas 2,
  46.  
  47. Really bad blackout poems,
  48. Shut your ashole,
  49. Jaws, 1974, peter benchley,
  50.  
  51. On 16 August 1996, a 3 year old boy fell 18 feet into the gorilla enclosure at brookfield zoo and was knocked out,
  52. unconscious, with a broken hand, and a gash to his face, visitors began to scream as they thought the boy would be attacked by the gorillas, instead, 8 year old western lowland gorilla, binti jua, picked up the young child and carried him 59 feet to the entrance where zoo staff could retrieve him, she growled at other gorillas who tried to get near the boy,
  53. This is a clear example of apparent altruism and empathy in animals,
  54.  
  55. An 80’s sitcom with a laugh track but the laugh track comes from behind you,
  56. Thanks, how do i uninstall it,
  57. It uninstalls you,
  58. Postcards of the hanging deactivated,
  59. I warned you,
  60. The laugh track plays but now one voice louder,
  61.  
  62. Friend, if you’re consciously aware of your actions, and know why you’re doing them , why don’t you just stop doing them,
  63. Me, i would love to,
  64.  
  65. I’m gonna mix a can of red bull with 17 shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while kids by mgmt plays in the background so i can perceive 23 spatial dimensions and fight my own soul,
  66. This is self care,
  67.  
  68. I was going to rant about australian stereotypes but then i realized that a kangaroo broke into the melbourne airport carpark today and it took like 6 officers to get it out,
  69.  
  70. I almost made a grown man cry today,
  71. At work i called out his coffee order and he was like, that’s not how women usually call out my name, so i just blinked and said, i’ll try to sound more disappointed next time then, then walked away,
  72. Oh my god, you goddess,
  73.  
  74. You don’t have to fake orgasm to help your partner’s ego, the guy i lost my virginity to wrote a play about the experience, and the character based on me gave a monologue about how she regretted sleeping with him because no one else would ever be that good, so yeah, just tell him you didn’t cum,
  75. I’m sorry he wrote a fricking what,
  76.  
  77. Let’s play a game called,
  78. Finish that text post,
  79. Today me and a friend,
  80. Viciously anal fisted each other,
  81. That concludes today’s episode of,
  82. Finish that text post,
  83. Tune in next time to hear about what happens at the family picnic,
  84.  
  85. If you can’t summon the flames directly from heck, store bought is fine,
  86. Same,
  87.  
  88. So in my new apartment there’s a random hole in the wall, just big enough for a drake bell shrine,
  89. Who sees a hole like this and thinks, this is the perfect size for a drake bell shrine,
  90.  
  91. Me playing with a cat, hee hee toy on string,
  92. The cat, what the fricks it gonna take for this bird to die,
  93.  
  94. The old woman stirred by the fire, many years has it been since i last heard the term squad goals uttered in the spirit of sincerity, she wheezed,
  95. Mood, rumbled her compatriots in agreement,
  96. In the corner an even older man’s lips moved, forming the word same, though no sound came from him,
  97.  
  98. Saw a kitty squishing some flowers in the yard and she looked at me like she had arcane secrets,
  99. Artistic rendition,
  100.  
  101. Bro, is that your dong,
  102. No it’s dongporn,
  103. I mean popcorn, i’m dyslexic,
  104. Sometimes gay porn has the most clever lines in history,
  105.  
  106. Learning that facebook quizzes sell your data,
  107. Finding out you are sourdough bread,
  108. My mom posted this meme on facebook and it is legit hilarious, i’m so proud,
  109.  
  110. Still don’t know how to spell spagetti without autocorrect,
  111. Where’s the h,
  112. An h,
  113.  
  114. Date a boy who hates coleslaw,
  115. Date a boy who never lets coleslaw near you,
  116. Date a boy who will chuck a bowl of coleslaw across the room if someone puts it near you,
  117.  
  118. Today i learned s thompson pranked jack nicholson on his birthday by shining a spotlight on his house, blasting a recording of a pig being eaten alive by bears, firing his pistol, and leaving an elk’s heart at the front door, while nicholson and his two daughters hid in the basement,
  119. Pranked,
  120.  
  121. Someone photoshop an anime girl on me,
  122. She’s going to kiss you,
  123. Please delete this hinata is married to naruto and they have a happy family and i want no part in ruining that,
  124.  
  125. Owls may be symbols of wisdom, but they’re actually complete morons,
  126.  
  127. Lettuce umbrella,
  128.  
  129. Girls only wear makeup and dress nice for guys,
  130. False,
  131. I preen for satan,
  132.  
  133. I think walmart got new candles,
  134. Are you sure,
  135.  
  136. People using an ouija board, 2096, what do you want,
  137. Me, to crack open a cold one with they boys,
  138. People, what,
  139. Me, someone peed in the ballpit,
  140. People, we don’t understand, please, who are you,
  141. Me, shrek is love shrek is life,
  142. People, shrek, what is shrek, is that your name,
  143. Me, the entire bee movie script, one letter at a time,
  144.  
  145. When you say i’m a witch,
  146. What they think you mean, i snap the necks of doves and use their blood to communicate with satan himself, and i steal the souls of children in the night for power,
  147. What you actually mean, i buy more crystals than i can probably afford and everything i own smells like incense,
  148.  
  149. When someone asks why you have a bunch of rocks and jars in your room,
  150. Witch craft,
  151. When someone asks why you have a bunch of tiny rocks and tiny jars in your pockets,
  152. Witch craft, pocket edition,
  153.  
  154. I am a simple person, all i want is to wear ugly knit sweaters and walk in the forest,
  155. Maybe touch some moss, toss some pebbles into a stream, wear some leaves in my hair, carve runes into stumps, commune with spirits i sought out, wake ancient and feral magic, lose all contact with civilization, forget human speech, turn into a local legend, every girl’s dream,
  156.  
  157. Me picking up a cross and hissing in pain, ah it burns,
  158. Friend, dude we don’t we’re in a church we’ll get in trouble,
  159. Me, eyes turning black and crab walking up a wall, oh right, sorry,
  160.  
  161. You people should learn about the goetic demons like for example,
  162. This is prince stolas, he is a long legged owl demon who teaches knowledge about astronomy and herbs to anyone who conjures him,
  163. What’s not cool about an owl demon,
  164. There is absolutely nothing that is not cool as crap about this guy,
  165.  
  166. In my doctor’s office there is a giraffe with the pringle’s guys head, what,
  167. Is that a cup wearing pants,
  168. Yes,
  169.  
  170. If it wasn’t for him being a attempted murderer they would be a cute couple,
  171. Minor issues,
  172. So he’s a bit of a fixer upper,
  173.  
  174. A moodboard,
  175. W-what’s the mood,
  176. Fear,
  177.  
  178. You’ve seen those pictures of harvest mice falling asleep in tulips,
  179. Today i learned that conservationists recycle Wimbledon tennis balls as predator proof shelters for them,
  180. Mouse armour,
  181. Mouse anemone,
  182. Mouse condo, previously owned by venus williams, desirable neighborhood, available immediately,
  183.  
  184. 4 tattoos of wolves that will make you say, holy crap those are tattoos, i thought they were real wolves for a second,
  185.  
  186. I am the fries at the bottom of the mcdonald’s bag,
  187. Maybe you go unnoticed at first, but someone’s always thrilled to find you,
  188. Truly inspirational,
  189.  
  190. I’m still laughing my as off at my desktop,
  191.  
  192. The cannons be ready captain,
  193. Are,
  194. My god this makes so much sense,
  195.  
  196. Always remember,
  197. If i take both my headphones out when you start talking to me,
  198. You’re special,
  199. Disclaimer, if i rip them out while staring at you, you should run,
  200.  
  201. One day i will, then you’ll see, you will all fricking see,
  202. My eye doctor said this,
  203.  
  204. Think i just found heaven for six year olds,
  205. Looks like a breading ground for pink eye to me,
  206. Dang,
  207.  
  208. Hi, i’m very ugly,
  209. My pickup line,
  210.  
  211. 5 signs that she’s into you,
  212. Number one, she ain’t,
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