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YOU'RE MAH FAVORITE DEPUTY

asdfgsfds Aug 3rd, 2012 204 Never
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  1. Line 10
  2.  
  3.         >we graduated and both decided on attending the same university, which didn't come as much of a shock when she told me she wanted to attend the same school as me
  4.  
  5.         restating the same thing twice. maybe you just meant to say that "it came as no shock" and leave it at that
  6.  
  7.         >propsed
  8.  
  9.         proposed
  10.  
  11.         >I honestly thought she would have said something along the lines of not being ready for such a thing, but I was certainly proven wrong.
  12.  
  13.         and now it appears that you're saying the same thing a third time. I don't know if you know this, but those in crispychat who have read your stories say that the stories are too wordy with the exception of some suzu one, and I'm starting to agree.
  14.  
  15. Line 12
  16.  
  17.         >thinking of
  18.  
  19.         underwhelming verb usage. try "brainstorming" or something
  20.  
  21.         >possible
  22.  
  23.         I know I'm getting really nitpicky, but if you improve your verb usage in a sentence, you can knock out unnecessary adjectives as well. I remember watching thanatos come to this realization while he was still building up his reputation as a superstar porn writer. and this is an excellent example of that scenario. come up with a better verb; remove the word "possibly". two birds with one stone
  24.  
  25. Line 14
  26.  
  27.         >so that
  28.  
  29.         I don't know why, but I really think that this should be "with hopes that". I guess it just makes him sound like a robot the way it is now
  30.  
  31.         >While the water is preparing on the stove,
  32.  
  33.         alright, whenever you're overdoing the words and saying things that I don't believe need to be there, I'll just say Buckley, alright? Buckley
  34.  
  35.         >As these two beverages continue being readied,
  36.  
  37.         Buckley
  38.  
  39. Line 16
  40.  
  41.         >slowly creaks
  42.  
  43.         the word "creaks" accomplishes that image already
  44.  
  45.         >brightly in contrast the pale morning outside
  46.  
  47.         while this wasn't as bad because of the "contrast" bit giving "brightly" more meaning, adverbs are still something you want to use sparingly, and there are probably better ways you could have written that
  48.  
  49. Line 17
  50.  
  51.         >She seems surprised at me making
  52.  
  53.         this read awkwardly unless you make sure to put emphasis on the words "me" and "her", and even then it would be more consistent if you said "having made" instead of "making"
  54.  
  55. Line 19
  56.  
  57.         >No longer does she stumble over every single word she speaks, but only a couple here and there.
  58.  
  59.         Buckley. Also, I think a reaction from Hisao would have eased the transition into the thoughts he's having immediately after
  60.  
  61. Line 21
  62.  
  63.         >during the motion
  64.  
  65.         Buckley
  66.  
  67.         >She doesn't drape her hair to cover up her scars anymore when she's around me, always making sure that every bit of her face is exposed to me at all times.
  68.  
  69.         The part immediately before this was nice and heartwarming, but then you kinda explained the joke. I'm gonna call Buckley on this
  70.  
  71.         >postion
  72.  
  73.         position
  74.  
  75.         >as I poured the water
  76.  
  77.         Buckley and tense disparities. Ouch
  78.  
  79. Line 23
  80.  
  81.         >WE sit while sipping at MY coffee
  82.  
  83.         I'm certain this isn't what happened, and I'm certain you can come up with a way to fix this
  84.  
  85.         >I read the local news that is presented before me in the newspaper.
  86.  
  87.         Normally I'd advocate having sentence variety instead of everything being compound, but this just breaks the flow and doesn't feel like it belongs in its current iteration
  88.  
  89.         >that she had recently purchased at the campus bookstore
  90.  
  91.         Buckley
  92.  
  93. Line 25
  94.  
  95.         >Within a short period of time
  96.  
  97.         Buckley. Just say "shortly" or "quickly" or "at a moment's notice" or "in the blink of an eye". yes I know that last one has the same number of words, but it doesn't sound as mechanical or boring
  98.  
  99.         >before wrapping her in a hug from behind. This catches her off guard
  100.  
  101. The first sentence gives the impression that the action has already been completed, but the second repeals that and gives a description of what happens shortly after the act begins
  102.  
  103.         >in between "room." and "I laugh"
  104.  
  105.         a description of Hanako's face or her reaction after the kneejerk almost-throwing-of-the-plate would make her seem a lot more involved here, instead of almost not even present. For example, "She gives me an embarassed smile and I laugh"
  106.  
  107. Line 27
  108.  
  109.         >wrapping
  110.  
  111.         I'm probably the only one in the world who cares about this, but I think you've been using that word too much
  112.  
  113. Line 31
  114.  
  115.         >Hana
  116.  
  117.         I don't like when people do this. If you're going to insist on people using pet names, which I am actually okay with, make them viable names for the setting, like Hana-chan
  118.  
  119.         >go head
  120.  
  121.         I don't know why you thought you needed both of these words instead of just one
  122.  
  123.         >She obviously approves of this idea
  124.  
  125.         I think that it would be better to say "It's made clear that she approve of this idea", since I think it sounds better, but I can't explain why
  126.  
  127. Line 33
  128.  
  129.         >some of the draw
  130.  
  131.         does this mean "allure" or "attraction" or something? If so, "some of the draw" isn't the best way to convey that, unless it's an idiom I'm not familiar with
  132.  
  133. Line 36
  134.  
  135.         >I know that may sound stupid
  136.  
  137.         Buckley
  138.  
  139.         >I shiver a bit as we step out into the crisp air.
  140.  
  141.         Buckley. Consider combining this with how the first thing he notices is the cold.
  142.  
  143.         >with a string
  144.  
  145.         Buckley. The manner of dragging a sled doesn't need to be explained
  146.  
  147.         >the hill that's close by
  148.  
  149.         "the nearest hill" would be much more succint, I think
  150.  
  151.         >something that I haven't ever seen from her
  152.  
  153.         Uhh, what? Also possible Buckley unless you make this important
  154.  
  155. Line 38
  156.  
  157.         >surprisngly
  158.  
  159.         surprisingly
  160.  
  161.         >and residential areas
  162.  
  163.         is a town not a residential area?
  164.  
  165.         >topped off, on top
  166.  
  167.         Seriously?
  168.  
  169.         >flying at a high speed
  170.  
  171.         if they're flying, I think a high speed is guaranteed. Note that I do not object to use of the word "flying", just the unnecessary descriptions after it
  172.  
  173.         >large amounts
  174.  
  175.         sounds too mechanical/disinterested
  176.  
  177.         >plummet down the hill
  178.  
  179.         Buckley
  180.  
  181. Line 40
  182.  
  183.         >holding on after I'm standing and grabbing the sled for another round
  184.  
  185.         I think that what you're trying to say is that she did not let go of his hand, even as they prepared for another round. But it wasn't very clear to me the first time around here, and probably not to others either
  186.  
  187. Lines 42, 44
  188.  
  189.         oh my god tenses. I'll have to try and decipher what you meant by all this
  190.  
  191. Line 42
  192.  
  193.         >though
  194.  
  195.         thought
  196.  
  197.         >for the lower body
  198.  
  199.         Buckley
  200.  
  201.         >manged
  202.  
  203.         managed
  204.  
  205. Line 46
  206.  
  207.         >to create a nose
  208.  
  209.         Maybe the best example of Buckley I've seen so far. This part just reads flawlessly without it present, and terribly with it present.
  210.        
  211.         >he jacket
  212.  
  213.         the jacket
  214.  
  215. Line 48
  216.  
  217.         >long sleeved
  218.  
  219.         Buckley.
  220.  
  221. Line 54
  222.  
  223.         >not bothering to go back to retrieve the scarf and coat that we left behind.
  224.  
  225.         Why? Is this a master of romance thing where he's just gonna fucking freeze, or is it symbolic of how her existence is unhealthy to him, or is it symbolic with how he is at peace with the world and just doesn't give a fuck? I think the latter is the most romantic, but making him behave stupidly to get the point across isn't the best idea
  226.  
  227. Line 56
  228.  
  229.         >quickly twice in the same sentence
  230.  
  231.         seriously?
  232.  
  233.         >go sit
  234.  
  235.         just "sit" would be more appropriate
  236.  
  237. Exeunt.
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