Wake up around noon after falling asleep at the computer again. Brush off the Cheeto dust and pound the rest of my leftover Mountain Dew Code Red. Open another Code Red. Read every modmail sent while I was asleep; chuckle to myself as I actively ignore every single one because fuck those people.

Head upstairs to find some food. My mom's set out a big bowl of dicks, prepared just how I like them. She always knows just how to cheer me up- with a big bowl of dicks because I'm such a tremendously huge faggot. I gobble the dicks up and wash them down with a Five-Hour Energy. After breakfast it's time to go back to work, so I fly down the stairs, my heart racing as I dream up all the ways I can crush people's dreams today.

I get back on my poverty box and check my bank account to make sure all the wire transfers from corporations I secretly work for cleared. They did, as usual. Log in to reddit, ignore more modmails.

Usually around this time I print out every single comment in every single sub I mod on little individual pieces of paper. I put them in a big Bingo-Spinner and pull out exactly 200, one-by-one. The ones that got pulled out get removed. Then I take those that were removed and put them up on a dartboard. I throw precisely 23 darts to determine who gets banned today. Go back to the computer, remove all the comments and issue the bans. Then I pick one user completely at random and Super-Ultra-Doublesecret-IP-Shadowban them.

Before I go on my power-trip, I head to the bathroom. Not to shower, mind you, but to shave my cheeks and lip so my neckbeard stays in tip-top shape. While I'm in the bathroom, I grab some Ben-Gay and gingerly apply it to my posterior- I find it really helps with the butthurt.

Time to eat again. My mom always sets a sack-lunch at the top of the stairs. Grab the sack-lunch, open it up and find it's my favorite- a big bag of dicks. Gobble those dicks up and get ready for my conference call with SRS Headquarters.

The conference call doesn't go so well- apparently redditors are starting to figure out that every moderator on every subreddit is part of the Feminazi Illuminati Conspiracy. The Archangelles tell us to start letting people make "OP is a faggot" jokes again. The plan to destroy reddit is still going strong though, and the call ends in good, yet cautious spirits.

After that I start planning my Birthday Party/IRC Hangout. Sweet sixteen baby! I wish I could have one in real life, but all of my friends are online on account of them not being able to see or smell me, so IRC will have to do.

It's getting late, so time to fire off updates to the Jewish Defense League, RNC, DNC and some troll emails to all the independent politicians. I decide to brush up a little bit on the First Amendment for my upcoming trial on those charges of Internet Censorship in the first degree.

Once I'm done with that, I just kind of diddle around. You know, remove all the posts that might get people karma. My karma account, meanwhile, is doing very well and I've almost got enough for another Ferrari. It's getting late though, and I'm starting to get sleepy from eating all those dicks.

As I nod off, I think I hear a soft crying of a user in the distance....and is that...the subtle salt of tears I taste? Ahhhhh....my pants grow a half-inch as my tiny little dick grows hard at the thought. Another legitimate post removed, another inch on my e-peen. Good night, sweet prince. Good night.