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MST3K Transcript 820: Space Mutiny

RoeCocoa Sep 20th, 2013 1,301 Never
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  1. Episode # 820
  2. Title: Space Mutiny
  3.  
  4. *THEME SONG*
  5. 00:00:00
  6.  
  7. Mike: In the not too distant future
  8. somewhere in time and space
  9. Mike Nelson and his robot pals
  10. are caught in an endless chase
  11. Pursued by a woman whose name is Pearl
  12. an evil gal who wants to rule the world
  13. She threw a few things in her purse
  14. And in her rocket ship she hunts him
  15. all across the universe.
  16.  
  17. Pearl: I'LL GET YOU!!!
  18.  
  19. 00:30:00
  20. I'll send him cheesy movies,
  21. The worst I can find (la-la-la).
  22. He'll have to sit and watch them all,
  23. And I'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
  24.  
  25. Mike: Now keep in mind Mike can't control
  26. Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)
  27. He'll try to keep his sanity
  28. With the help of his robot friends.
  29.  
  30. Robot Roll Call:
  31.  
  32. Cambot! (You're on!)
  33. Gypsy! (Oh, my stars!)
  34. Tom Servo! (Check me out!)
  35. Croooow! (I'm different!)
  36.  
  37. If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
  38. and other science facts (la-la-la),
  39. Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
  40. I should really just relax..."
  41. for Mystery Science Theater 3000!"
  42.  
  43. *OPENER*
  44. 00:01:22
  45.  
  46. SFX: (door sequence)
  47. MIKE: Hey, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. You know, since we are stuck in orbit over ancient Rome, I thought it might be a good time to teach the 'Bots a little something about history.
  48. SERVO: Mike, this encyclopedia is worthless for my biography of Roland Gift.
  49. CROW: Yeah, Mike; it's really old. It lists Hitler as a fairly stable veteran of the Great War.
  50. MIKE: Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine!
  51. SERVO: Oh, yeah? It mentions the light bulb as a charming theory.
  52. CROW: Yeah, and "congress" is spelt with an "F"; what's that? "Congref-f-f?"
  53. MIKE: Well, I used it when I was a kid. (puff) They seemed fine then.
  54. CROW: The Periodic Table has three elements in it, Mike.
  55. SERVO: There's a volume for the letter "epsilon"...
  56. CROW: There's a mailing address for Machu Picchu...
  57. SERVO: It's got a picture of Stonehenge.
  58. MIKE: So?
  59. SERVO: Under construction!?
  60. CROW: Tchyeah.
  61. MIKE: Oh, well, so, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you a new set.
  62. SERVO: Ah, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do.
  63. CROW: Yeah.
  64. MIKE: That's very funny. We'll be right back. You know, they got me through college.
  65. CROW: You never finished college, Mike.
  66. MIKE: Oh, yeah.
  67. CROW: (sigh)
  68. MUSIC: (bumper-- bouncy mechanical synth)
  69.  
  70. *HOST SEGMENT 1*
  71. 00:02:36
  72.  
  73. SERVO: I mean, look: "Someday, we hope to harness fire to serve man, not simply terrorize him with horrifying randomness."
  74. CROW: Yeah-yeah, and here's an entire section on "Our Deadly Foes, the Dinosaurs".
  75. MIKE: OH-kay, you belly-achers, gotcha a brand-spanking-new set of encyclopedias-- each page with an Internet up-link, so we can constantly update them.
  76. SERVO: Man, this is incredibly up-to-date!
  77. CROW: Wow, twenty-seven pages on Gwen Stefani alone!
  78. SERVO: Amazing!
  79. MIKE: Well, I think I've more than answered your encyclopedia grievances.
  80. CROW&SERVO: No!
  81. SERVO: It was much more fun to complain about the old ones than to have new ones! Sheesh.
  82. CROW: Yeah, I miss complaining already, frankly.
  83. SERVO: (scoffing)
  84. MIKE: I've gotta check in on that planet, that... planet down there, you know?
  85.  
  86. OBSERVER: (babbling)
  87. PEARL: Thank you, Maximus. Oh, hi, Mike! Well, this whole Roman thing has taken a turn for the crappy. Flavia here discovered we weren't gods and all, and had us thrown into this slimy dungeon. And they're being pretty rough on Paleface, here-- they took away his brain, which sucks for him.
  88. OBSERVER: I like fruit! Fruit is good!
  89. FLAVIA: Talk, hirsute one! Do you plot against our beloved emperor?
  90. BOBO: Oh, please, I can't stand it anymore! (sobbing)
  91. PEARL: And Bobo, man, they are totally torturing him right now! I mean, it's bad, Mike! You guys should probably write to Amnesty... International... House of... Pancakes, or whatever. Oh, I broke a nail.
  92. FLAVIA: (laughing) Talk, smelly fake god!
  93. BOBO: I'll say anything you want! Just give me some of that yummy mutton!
  94. FLAVIA: Is it safe?
  95. BOBO: I don't care if it's safe; it smells delicious! Gimme... mutton...
  96. FLAVIA: Treasonous fool!
  97. GUARD: The emperor's about to give his violin recital upstairs, ma'am.
  98. FLAVIA: Right, right, right. Listen, I must go; but I'll be back, and you three will be, like, so tortured, it's, like, not even funny! (laughs)
  99. BOBO: (sobbing) Mutton...
  100. OBSERVER: (babbling)
  101. PEARL: So, Mike, here's the deal: if you help us out of this one, I promise I'll let you and your little wind-up toys go, and you'll never have to watch another lousy movie again.
  102.  
  103. CROW&SERVO: (gasp)
  104. SERVO: Yes, yes!
  105. CROW: No more crummy movies!?
  106. SERVO: Do it, Mike, do it, do it, come on!
  107. CROW: Do it!
  108. CROW&SERVO: Do it! Yes! Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey...
  109. MIKE: Aw, I don't know, Pearl, I mean, you've lied to us before...
  110.  
  111. PEARL: I know! But-- but it wasn't my fault... in a way that I haven't quite figured out yet. But this time, for real! I mean, how are you gonna get out of this stupidy, stinky Roman time without us, anyway?
  112.  
  113. CROW: Hmm...
  114. SERVO: She's right, Mike. I don't want to have to see you in a toga!
  115. CROW: (shudder)
  116. MIKE: Well, I don't know... Okay, what do you want me to do?
  117.  
  118. OBSERVER: Boing...
  119. PEARL: I need you to come down here and get Brain Guy's brain for us. They've put it too far out of range, so he's at quarter power; which means he's even more of an idiot than usual?
  120. OBSERVER: Pearl, tell me about the rabbits again, please?
  121. PEARL: And, pathetic as it is, he's our only hope. So, I'm going to have him bring you down here to fetch it. Okay, Brain Guy, send Mike down.
  122. OBSERVER: Send... Mike... down. Okay!
  123. SFX: (slow brain warble)
  124.  
  125. SFX: (pop!)
  126. CROW: Oh! Tchoo! Tchoo! I'm allergic...
  127.  
  128. PEARL: Not goose down, you dope! Bring Mike down!
  129. OBSERVER: Oh-ho! Ah, Mike, everyone say's you're ugly and dumb, and no-one likes you.
  130.  
  131. MIKE: (scoff) Oh, come on, they do not... really? Oh, man, that... really? Oh, man, that really brought me down!
  132. SERVO: Oh, boy.
  133.  
  134. OBSERVER: (giggle) Mike... (giggle)
  135. PEARL: Listen, you empty-headed albino! I said, "BRING MIKE DOWN HERE!"
  136. OBSERVER: Oh, okay, Nice Lady.
  137. SFX: (slow brain warble)
  138. SFX: (pop)
  139. BUSINESSMAN: Oh, my! What am I doing here? I was just at a 401k planning meeting! Oh, by the way, my name's Mike Down. I'm a CPA.
  140. BOBO: (whimpering)
  141. SFX: (clang)
  142. OBSERVER: D'oh! Thank you!
  143. PEARL: This might take a minute, Mike. In the meantime, why don't you enjoy your final bad movie ever? I promise. It's a real piece of cheese called "Space Mutiny." Hey, Brain Load, think you can manage sending a movie?
  144. OBSERVER: Duhhh, oh-tay!
  145. SFX: (slow brain warble)
  146. MIKE DOWN, CPA: Should I set up my overhead projector now?
  147. PEARL: You pipe down!
  148. 00:07:10
  149. SFX: (Movie Sign buzzer plays throughout)
  150. CROW&SERVO: Movie, movie sign, let's go!
  151. MIKE: Maybe my mother likes me or something... Oh! Gypsy likes me, that's it!
  152. SFX: (door sequence)
  153.  
  154. *MOVIE SEGMENT 1*
  155. 00:07:25
  156.  
  157. MUSIC: (militant synth bass)
  158. 00:07:30
  159. TOM: Amazingly Idiotic Productions
  160. CROW: A Jonathan Winters, Billie Holiday production!
  161. MUSIC: (uptempo synth choir)
  162. ALL: (gasp)
  163. 00:07:45
  164. CROW: David Winters!
  165. SERVO: Oh, good...
  166. MIKE: We're in good hands; okay.
  167. SERVO: Twenty exclusive hits by the original artists!
  168. MIKE: Sounds like someone owns himself a DX-7 keyboard, huh?
  169. CROW: Whoa, whoa, watch out, watch out!
  170. SERVO: I have my doubts that this movie is "starring" anyone.
  171. MIKE: It's just the usual stable of David Winters' actors.
  172. ALL: (sigh)
  173. SERVO: Yay! Oh, no, wait...
  174. CROW: No, nuh-uh.
  175. SERVO: Oh, because she's Cameron Mitchell's, um... wait.
  176. CROW: His nickname is "Tiny!"
  177. SERVO: Featuring music normally heard at the Days Inn lounge in Columbia Heights
  178. MIKE: Passed from editor to editor, in a desperate attempt to save it!
  179. CROW: Ah, there's gonna be seven levels of Hell in this movie, too.
  180. SERVO: (Minnesota Lady) Deb, big favor, can you associate produce? Thanks!
  181. CROW: Hope John and Holiday DeKock? What kind of name is that?
  182. MIKE: And, completely botched by David Winters.
  183.  
  184. SERVO: Outlets in Space
  185. NARRATOR: Thirteen generations ago, our overpopulated world built the Southern Sun,
  186. MIKE: They did?
  187. NARRATOR: ...a self-sufficient spaceship that would be home to thousands of migrants, on a ten-lightyear journey to a new and uncolonized world.
  188. CROW: Cool, huh?
  189. NARRATOR: Our current descendants have come to accept the Southern Sun as their home, and work for a better future for their children.
  190. MIKE: And they're known as "dupes."
  191. NARRATOR: While most of the inhabitants of this generation are content, there are some who have grown restless and impatient.
  192. SERVO: Like Pat Riley here, for instance.
  193. MUSIC: (sinister synth chords)
  194. CROW: Hmm, where the hell did I put that old ping-pong table?
  195. MIKE: I have this feeling I'm being followed by a lobster boy.
  196. CROW: Still, he's not nearly as creepy as most meter readers.
  197. SERVO: He's like an Armand Assante-wante-be.
  198. MIKE: (harsh) I'll show you how to use a label maker properly!
  199. CROW: He made a bomb out of soap and Paco Rabanne!
  200. MUSIC: (stops)
  201. SHIP: attention prepare-for-shuttle lancer-landing
  202. MIKE: Melissa Manchester!
  203. PILOT: Lancer to Southern Sun. Located rescue beacon and survivors they're all female and identify themselves as Ballerians. We have initiated landing procedures and are returning to base.
  204. SERVO: I can watch this stuff all day, Mike.
  205. MIKE: (sinister) Oh, you will.
  206. MELISSA MANCHESTER: You will enter the Southern Sun in figures flight millennium (?) and your docking bay is one-niner. Over.
  207. PILOT: Roger. Shuttle lander locked to guidance control. Over.
  208. CROW: (Blue Danube Waltz) Da-da-da-da, LAME! Bum-bum, lame-lame...
  209. MIKE: Shuttlecraft determined to be cute, Sir.
  210. PILOT: Shuttle landing successful. Ballerian survivors disembarking.
  211. NASAL ANNOUNCER: Attention all hands! Shuttle landing complete. Prepare for incoming stingray viper squadron.
  212. VIPER PILOT: Red Two, Southern Sun in sight.
  213. SFX: (door swish)
  214. SERVO: 'Scuse me.
  215. SFX: (door swish)
  216. SERVO: 'Scuse me.
  217. NASAL ANNOUNCER: Attention. All those wishing to meet the incoming viper squadron, proceed to the docking bay.
  218. COMMANDER: Lea!
  219. LEA: Hi, Dad! Hi, Scott.
  220. SCOTT: Hi!
  221. COMMANDER: Ah, so pretty.
  222. SCOTT: (South African accent) If you're going down to the docking bay to meet your friend from Coriolis, you'd better hurry.
  223. CROW: Oi!
  224. SCOTT: The vipers are in final approach.
  225. LEA: Well, I came down to check that he's on the flight.
  226. COMMANDER: Lieutenant Lemont.
  227. LEMONT: Aye!
  228. COMMANDER: Contact the pilot of the Stingray Viper and ask if Professor Spooner is aboard.
  229. SERVO: (Lemont, hoarse) I'm insaaane!
  230. COMMANDER: Thank you.
  231. LEMONT: Sun Control. I have a request. Do you have a Professor Spooner on board? Oh, and--
  232. PILOT: Stingray to Sun Control. Affirmative. Over.
  233. CROW: Sting, Debbie Reynolds, and God.
  234. DEBBIE REYNOLDS: Bye, Dad. Bye, Scott.
  235. GOD: Goodbye.
  236. VIPER PILOT: Southern Sun, we are starting our landing sequence.
  237. MIKE: In the future, geese will be rocket powered.
  238. VIPER PILOT(s): Southern Sun, abort landing! We have birds coming up fast on our tail! Stingray Two to Stingray Three, we are under fire; prepare for defense formation. Roger, Stingray Two.
  239. SERVO: Graphics by Kenner.
  240. VIPER PILOT(s): Stingray One, assuming defense formation. We'll cover for you and the professor.
  241. COMMANDER: What the hell's goin' on out there?
  242. VIPER PILOT(s): Look out, Red Three! (boom) Red Three is down.
  243. CROW: I never liked Red Three anyway.
  244. PILOT: Dammit!
  245. SERVO: (Blue Danube Waltz) Da-da-da-da CRAP!
  246. MIKE: Special effects by Industrial Light and Morons.
  247. SERVO: Shoom, shoom...
  248. PILOT: Good shot, Ryder!
  249. SERVO: Are we the good guys or the bad guys?
  250. NASAL ANNOUNCER: Attention all hands, man your battle stations we're under attack.
  251. MIKE: Uh-oh, an air show! Look out below!
  252. CROW: Yeah, I told you we should have landed at LaGuardia.
  253.  
  254. 00:12:56
  255. CROW: Heh, tell me about it-- these briefs I'm wearing, huh?
  256. MIKE: So their spaceship has a huge basement...
  257. SERVO: (humming) ... Say!
  258. NASAL ANNOUNCER: Commander Kalgan, can I help you?
  259. CROW: Pfft, Calgon!?
  260. NASAL ANNOUNCER: Excuse me, sir...
  261. MIKE: (snooty maitre d) Do you have a reservation?
  262. NASAL ANNOUNCER: Commander! Sir! What are you doing?
  263. MIKE: (snooty maitre d) The hostess will seat you in a moment, Sir... (muffled) Sir!? We have a perfectly fine bar if you'd like to wait there... oh, oh I see. Oh, great. Yeah, shooting me is not going to get you to a table any faster, Sir! (dying) I'll get the manager...
  264. SERVO: Calgon, blow me away!
  265. MUSIC: (bumper-- bouncy mechanical synth)
  266.  
  267. *MOVIE SEGMENT 2*
  268. 00:13:42
  269.  
  270. MIKE: So, does that guy inflate his pants to attract mates?
  271. SFX: (explosions)
  272. SERVO: Pfft. Good work; you blew up the septic tank.
  273. SFX: (more explosions)
  274. CROW: Eh, I dunno, I just tried to open my garage door. What the...
  275. SHIP: warning. system power-loss
  276. SERVO: (Scott) Too roight!
  277. SCOTT: Energize our emergency landing strobe.
  278. MELISSA MANCHESTER: We're off sir? It's dead, sir.
  279. SHIP: guide-system-failing
  280. PILOT: (screeching) LOST POWER!
  281. MIKE: Relax; you're in your own room!
  282. PILOT: (screeching) LOST POWER!
  283. SERVO: Uh, is it a good idea for a pilot to eject in space?
  284. SHIP: --out of control collision imminent. pilot-emergency-beam-down-ejection-system-activated
  285. NASAL ANNOUNCER: Attention all hands. Prepare for crash landing.
  286. SFX: (explosions, screaming)
  287. CROW: So, really, how does this help the Basque separatists?
  288. LEA: (screaming)
  289. MIKE: (Lea) My stair-stepper!
  290. NASAL ANNOUNCER: Attention. Pilot beam-down successful, medical team stand by. Fire control to docking bay.
  291. SFX: (explosions continue throughout)
  292. RYDER: (screaming) Look out it's gonna blow! Move! It's gonna blow!
  293. SERVO: If the first ten minutes are any indication, this movie's gonna blow!
  294. CROW: (Lea) My "Buns of Steel" videos are in there!
  295. LEA: Professor!
  296. RYDER: We don't have time! It's gonna blow!
  297. LEA: Professor! (screaming)
  298. MIKE: (Ryder) Come on, Mother!
  299. RYDER: We've got to get out of here!
  300. SERVO: Oh, yeah, that'll take care of it!
  301. LEA: (sobbing) My god; the professor!
  302. KALGAN: (evil laugh)
  303. MIKE: (Kalgan) Remember Carl's blonde joke?
  304. COMMANDER: What happened, Lieutenant?
  305. LEMONT: The viper was lost in the Sun's guidance control, commander. We lost power!
  306. EXTRA: Commander, the energizing through-lines have been sabotaged.
  307. COMMANDER: Sabotaged?
  308. SERVO: (Commanty Claus) But, what of the little children and their toys?
  309. CROW: John Waters!
  310. FEMALE VOICE: Headquarters.
  311. BLAKE: Blake here. Gimme Kalgan.
  312. FEMALE VOICE: He's right here; go ahead.
  313. BLAKE: Sir, I just saw something I thought you should know about. Some strange women came onboard with the Lancer. I'm sorry the information is so scanty, but I'll send up more as I get it.
  314. MIKE: Scanty?
  315. BLAKE: Blake out.
  316. MIKE: (Scott) Hey, look at this: the office newsletter says I look like Susan Powder.
  317. SERVO: Santa's playing Freecell over here.
  318. SFX: (computer beeps)
  319. MIKE: (Commander) Oh man, what'd I do?
  320. COMMANDER: What do you think, Devers?
  321. CROW: Should I spend twenty bucks for Griffey?
  322. SCOTT: I think whoever did this knows his way around spaceships.
  323. COMMANDER: I agree.
  324. MIKE: (Commander) I don't know if this helps, but, ho-ho-ho.
  325. COMMANDER: One thing's for sure: we've got to reduce speed drastically to repair the damage. You know, I'm thinking more... about the possible motive... why?
  326. SCOTT: Command?
  327. CROW: Ho, ho-o...
  328. COMMANDER: You get a computer readout on the damage in the docking bay, also the pirate fleet's position, and load the file into the computer. I'd like to do some research on our new female guests, the Ballerians.
  329. SERVO: NUDE research.
  330. COMMANDER: Have that ready as soon as possible.
  331. SCOTT: Aye-aye, Sir.
  332. COMMANDER: Thank you, Devers.
  333. MIKE: So, uh, we've got some Benedictine monks in the floorboards, unfortunately. We have set some traps with fresh bread and brandy, though.
  334. ENFORCER: Ladies, this... is your new home. I know it doesn't look like much, but if you bear with us, I'm sure, we can make you quite comfortable.
  335. BALLERIAN: LeAvE. We BaLlErIaNs wIsH tO bE aLoNe. ThIs PlAcE wIlL sErVe OuR pUrPoSe. LeAvE.
  336. SERVO: Whoa! I drank too much Surge.
  337. CROW: (Blake, tender) Bryce, you okay?
  338. ENFORCER: It's a pleasure having you on board?
  339. MIKE: I guess?
  340. ENFORCER: Gentlemen.
  341. SERVO: (Enforcer) Oh, and by the way, ladies, there's a ferret cage by the wall, if ya need it.
  342. CROW: (Kalgan) Well, I polished the back corridor. Anyone else need their room done?
  343. MIKE: (teenager) Hey you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend!
  344. KALGAN: (chuckle)
  345. SERVO: Oh-ho, we have fun, huh?
  346. CROW: (Kalgan) Uh, can you help me out of this thing?
  347. KALGAN: (oily) Our timing was perfect. Two for the price of one!
  348. MIKE: We had a coupon!
  349. MACPHEARSON: Who would have thought that one small spacecraft...
  350. CROW: Robbie Robertson!
  351. MACPHEARSON: ... could have done that much damage!
  352. KALGAN: That viper's missile part took out the entire winching system for the docking bay doors!
  353. SERVO: (Kalgan) Man, you should have been there! (chuckle)
  354. MACPHEARSON: According to the damage reports from the chief maintenance engineerrr, it'll take at least two weeks before the docking bay can be used again.
  355. MIKE: (MacPhearson) Ha ha, I know, it's great. A ha ha!
  356. MACPHEARSON: We couldn't have wished for better. That means the Southern Sun is completely isolated. Nobody can enter her; but more important, nobody can leave her!
  357. KALGAN: Excellent! They no longer have a choice! Mwahahaha!
  358. MIKE: (Kalgan, infatuated) Ha ha! Gahd, you look good! Mm!
  359. KALGAN: It was cruel fate to be born in space. But I have vowed we will not die here. It is my destiny to set my feet upon a real world. To accumulate wealth and power beyond our wildest dreams, mu-hu-hu-hu. I have offered the people of the Southern Sun a rich, new life.
  360. MIKE: (conciliatory) That's good...
  361. KALGAN: And now they have no alternative but to accept my generosity, and alter course, for Corona Borealis. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha...
  362. CROW: (Kalgan) Don't you love it? Y'know, we're always laughing, you and me; it's great.
  363. SCOTT: Lieutenant.
  364. SERVO: Oi?
  365. SCOTT: What's the report from damage control?
  366. LEMONT: It's not complete yet captain. But the first reports indicate that two of our alum 5000 XM-5 motors have been sabotaged.
  367. MIKE: Oi.
  368. LEMONT: This also affects the performance of one of our Vicks impulse drive generators.
  369. SERVO: Oi!
  370. SCOTT: Give me a computer readout on our hull stress factor.
  371. LEMONT: Sir.
  372. SCOTT: Reduce speed by two-thirds. Shut down two of our booster engines.
  373. LEMONT: Yes, sir!
  374. SCOTT: Oh, one other thing.
  375. CROW: Oi!
  376. SCOTT: Can we still establish video contact with the docking bay?
  377. LEMONT: Ah, one of the missiles from the Viper took out the video control tower down there. But, we are trying to re-establish contact with a satellite (?) video robot.
  378. SERVO: (Extra) Did you sign Sherri's birthday card?
  379. PARSONS: We've been in space too long! Let us land the ship! We can do it! We have the power!
  380. MACPHEARSON: It's true, we have the power to do this! But this would directly oppose the law of the universe, the law of the galaxy!
  381. GUY: Forget the law!
  382. PARSONS: No, no! The law must be upheld; we cannot break it!
  383. MACPHEARSON: Now, gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.
  384. MIKE: I disagree!
  385. MACPHEARSON: Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the Southern Sun.
  386. GUY: We can let him do so, alone.
  387. PARSONS: This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report!
  388. CROW: (weenie) I just have to wet myself first!
  389. MACPHEARSON: Will you allow him, to spoil your ambitions for a greater future?
  390. SFX: (rabble)
  391. SERVO: The easily-led wise counsel.
  392. MIKE: (Parsons) What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! Ow!
  393. CROW: Rip his band uniform, and then he'll have to pay for it!
  394. SERVO: Next, they're gonna give him books so they can dump 'em.
  395. CROW: Death by snicker-snag.
  396. MUSIC: (sting)
  397. MIKE: I'm gonna inflate him to thirty-five pounds.
  398. MUSIC: (sting)
  399. SERVO: (MacPhearson) Oookay, then, moving on to number three on our agenda: Sherri's birthday party...
  400. MACPHEARSON: Are there any other of you, that wish to confuse, freedom, with treason?
  401. MIKE: I'd like to confuse bok choy with cabbage, Sir.
  402. MACPHEARSON: Report to the Enforcers' Bridge!
  403. CROW: Well, it is the rare meeting where something actually got done.
  404. SERVO: (guy, admiring) You're strict, Sir.
  405. MACPHEARSON: You have done well.
  406. SFX: (door sequence)
  407.  
  408. *HOST SEGMENT 2*
  409. 00:22:15
  410.  
  411. MIKE: Alone at last! (humming)
  412. MUSIC: (soothing classical woodwinds)
  413. SFX: (explosion)
  414. MIKE: The hell!?
  415. CROW: (radio) Red normal, red normal, this is Goldilocks niner. I'm coming in, sucker. Prepare to die.
  416. SERVO: (radio) Oh yeah? Well, come get some!
  417. SFX: (explosion)
  418. MIKE: Crow! Servo! What the Hell, Michigan is going on?
  419. CROW: (radio) I can't talk now, Mike. I'm locked in a death struggle with Servo.
  420. SERVO: (radio) Yeah, me too, Mike, only with Crow, over.
  421. MIKE: Cambot, give me rocket number nine, will ya?
  422. CROW: (radio) Eat death, Servo!
  423. SERVO: (radio) Eat munchy, crunchy, chocolaty cocoa death, Crow!
  424. CROW: (radio) Enjoy a nice serving of Brown Betty with, death, but, but, but, mostly eat death!
  425. SFX: EXPLOSION
  426. MIKE: Crow? Servo? You guys be careful out there!
  427. CROW: (radio) Oh, we won't, heh heh heh! Oooo! Ahhh! Ee! Ow! Servo, you just ripped a hole in my torso! Wheee!
  428. SERVO: (radio) Ohhh! Ahhh! Too late for me, hee hee! I just took a laser blast to the dome! Wahoo! Haha!
  429. MIKE: Fellas?
  430. SERVO: (radio) Well, should we augur these babies in?
  431. CROW: (radio) After you.
  432. SERVO: I love you, Crooooow!
  433. CROW: I'm sorta fond of you, Servoooo!
  434. SFX: EXPLOSION
  435. MIKE: Crow, Servo, you guys okay? Fellas? OK now, this isn't funny any more!
  436. SERVO: Oh, lighten up Nelson! We're robots, remember?
  437. CROW: Man, that was great!
  438. SERVO: Yeah!
  439. MIKE: So, where'd you get the spaceships?
  440. CROW: Oh, you mean the hyper-warp escape shuttles which we just trashed?
  441. MIKE: Yeah. Yeah those.
  442. SERVO: Oh, they've been down in the hold, waiting for us to use them to escape and stuff like that.
  443. MIKE: (laughs) Oh, I see. So, don't you think we maybe should have used them, for escape purposes!?
  444. CROW&SERVO: Huh? What's he on about?
  445. SERVO: Oh, you mean escape, from here?
  446. CROW: Oh! Oh!
  447. SERVO: Oh jeez, how stupid of us Mike. Man!
  448. CROW: Boy, is my face red! Uh, sorry Mike.
  449. MIKE: We had escape pods, we didn't use them.
  450. SERVO: But wait, wait, wait. Isn't there just one more?
  451. CROW: Oh yeah, Gypsy's got it out. She'll be along any second now.
  452. GYPSY: (radio) For England! And the Queeeeen!
  453. CROW: All right! Go for it, Gyps! Take aim!
  454. MIKE: We'll be right back!
  455. SFX: EXPLOSION
  456. MUSIC: (bumper-- bouncy industrial synth)
  457.  
  458. *MOVIE SEGMENT 3*
  459. 00:25:09
  460.  
  461. CROW: Oh, fun!
  462. SCOTT: Hi! Scott Devers!
  463. RYDER: Dave Ryder.
  464. SCOTT: Pleased to meet you. Shall we do it?
  465. SERVO: (Ryder) Well, this is sudden...
  466. SCOTT: Lieutenant?
  467. LEMONT: Sir?
  468. SCOTT: Please file this.
  469. MIKE: (Ryder) You know where I can get some Zubaz, man?
  470. RYDER: Commander Jansen.
  471. COMMANDER: Wellll, welcome aboard, Mr. Ryder. You've met our captain, Devers. Sit down, Son.
  472. RYDER: Thank you, Sir.
  473. SCOTT: Mr. Ryder, may I have your space status card, please? Thank you.
  474. CROW: (Ryder) Sorry it's so moist.
  475. SERVO: (computer) You've got mail.
  476. COMMANDER: Well, there we have it. Any questions, Mr. Ryder?
  477. RYDER: Sir, I'd like to see a video of the crash, if I may.
  478. COMMANDER: Good idea. Come this way.
  479. MIKE: (Commanty Claus) I'll show you where my elves are working day and night...
  480. COMMANDER: Take a chair...
  481. CROW: ... and ram it.
  482. COMMANDER: Lieutenant?
  483. LEMONT: Yes, sir?
  484. COMMANDER: Could you punch up a video of the crash, please?
  485. LEMONT: Yes, sir.
  486. MIKE: (Commander) On our com-pu-ter?
  487. SHIP: disaster analysis. guidance. system. engaged.
  488. CROW: (Scott) Oi.
  489. SHIP: you are now. on. the southern sun's guidance control system, over. pilot control released. warning. critical power loss.
  490.  
  491. SERVO: We now switch live to Spencer's gifts.
  492. ENFORCER: (groan)
  493. MIKE: (downtempo singing) Heyyy, Macarena...
  494. SERVO: Ayyyy...
  495. Crow: It's a Wicca Tupperware party!
  496. MUSIC: (synth choir ahs)
  497. MIKE: (Ballerian) Steve called?
  498. CROW: (Enforcer) My poultice!
  499. MIKE: (Ballerian) Oh, I've got this itch right on my leg there... eh...
  500. CROW: Look familiar, Mi-- oh, what am I saying? No way.
  501. MIKE: Hey!
  502. MIKE: (Ballerian) Damn Swedish ergonomic chairs! How do you sit comfortably on these?
  503. CROW: Eh, get a bunch of women together, it's either witchery or a wedding shower; that's what I say.
  504. SERVO: Mother Angelica aerobics...
  505. MIKE: (Ballerian) I heard that!
  506. CROW: (Ballerian) I'd better get the phone, you guys.
  507. BALLERIAN: YoU rEcEiVeD oUr MeSsAgE. i Am GlAd YoU'vE cOmE. wE'vE bEeN wAiTiNg FoR yOu.
  508. GUY: Hey, you! The Ballerians are off limits.
  509. MIKE: (Enforcer) You've never heard of the "getting some" clause?
  510. ENFORCER: I was...
  511.  
  512. COMMANDER: Well, there we are, Gentlemen. Tell me, Dave...
  513. CROW: Slab Bulkhead.
  514. COMMANDER: Your viper was equipped with a new high-density de-atomizer escape system, right?
  515. RYDER: Yes, Commander. Right now, it only works over very short distances. But, who knows what the future potential of it could be.
  516. SCOTT: What about the professor?
  517. SERVO: What's his max?
  518. RYDER: Commander, I'm sorry about the professor. There was nothing I could have done. The system is only hooked up to the Viper pilot.
  519. COMMANDER: Don't blame yourself, Son.
  520. CROW: It's not your fault you're a chunkhead.
  521. COMMANDER: You're alive. You're lucky you saved yourself.
  522. CROW: (Lea) I CAN'T BREATHE... (grunt)
  523. SCOTT: Lea. You had us all worried. Please, next time there's a fire, leave it to damage control. You okay?
  524. COMMANDER: Okay? Next time, young lady, you stay out of the way!
  525. LEA: Dad I was there the pilot chickened out otherwise Spooner would be alive right now!
  526. COMMANDER: David Ryder, I want you to meet my daughter, Lea.
  527. MIKE: (Commander) We're about the same age.
  528. RYDER: The professor never had a chance. There's nothing I coulda done to prevent it.
  529. LEA: Oh, so you left him to die--
  530. COMMANDER: Lea! Stop it!
  531. LEA: He ejected and he's alive!
  532. RYDER: Listen, Lady!
  533. LEA: DOCTOR!
  534. RYDER: Doctor!
  535. CROW: Doctor Lady.
  536. RYDER: I don't have to justify my actions to you! But since you're asking, that explosion cut the power! And there wasn't time to go for the auxiliary backup system! I had to eject! I had no other choice.
  537. SERVO: (Lea) That's DOCTOR I-had-no-other-choice!
  538. RYDER: (whiny) Commander, Captain, 'scuse me, I have to file my report.
  539. MIKE: (Ryder) Coach'll totally ream me if I don't file my report.
  540. COMMANDER: Lea.
  541. SERVO: (Commanty Claus) You're getting a lump of coal.
  542.  
  543. CROW: (weenie) I like playing with the knobs!
  544. MIKE: (waiter) All-you-can-eat me tonight!
  545. WAITRESS: Excuse me, Sir, I think you'll find this interesting.
  546. KALGAN: Yes, what is it?
  547. WAITRESS: It's an inventory of all the explosives under our control.
  548.  
  549. SERVO: Hey, one of the new Monkees!
  550. CROW: Oh, Gopher, are you lost?
  551. MIKE: He's calling to check on his gender.
  552. GUY: Uh, gimme an audio link-up, bridge to console seven. Please hurry.
  553.  
  554. WAITER: There's something coming through on the voice monitor from the engine room area.
  555. KALGAN: Put it through on five.
  556. SERVO: (Kalgan) Your electrolysis is working.
  557.  
  558. CROW: Those Formica monitors don't have a lot of resolution.
  559. LEMONT: My name is Flight Lieutenant Lemont.
  560. GUY: Well, according to my printout from supply store's inventory, we're definitely short on conventional ballistics explosive. I mean, I double-checked! Somebody with direct access to central has been transferring large amounts of--
  561. CROW: (whisper) Lobster.
  562. GUY: ... explosive and simply covering the requisition. I wouldn't have found out about it unless Central asked me to confirm acceptance of a hundred units of chemo-plastic and atomic compound. I mean, that's crazy! Can you imagine that amount of explosive lying around the ship's engine room?
  563. SERVO: (Kalgan) Grr! Come on, skull, pop out of my skin! Argh!
  564. GUY: ... I think I've traced who it is...
  565. KALGAN: Who the hell is he talking to!? Put him through to the bridge.
  566. GUY: I want to speak to somebody from Command, please.
  567. MIKE: (waiter) Yeah, excuse me, Al Lewis.
  568. LEMONT: Okay. For the sake of security, I think it would be better if you came up here and asked for me: Lieutenant Lemont.
  569. KALGAN: Send a couple of men over there to stop that engineer before he gets to the bridge. Unless I get to him first.
  570. CROW: Yeah, time me! Go ahead.
  571.  
  572. SERVO: (weenie) Well, I think I just have to report this, I mean, I really thought about it and I think I really have to report this. I really-really-really have to report it...
  573. MIKE: Herbie, the Misfit Elf.
  574. CROW: He looks like Billie Jean King.
  575. MIKE: Oh, no, snowmobilers!
  576. SERVO: I've seen this before. Compulsory splatball.
  577. CROW: Y'know, if we pretend we know what's going on, this is actually kind of exciting.
  578. MIKE: Ah, he's above the stage; now he's going to fall right in at the end of the opera.
  579. SERVO: Doesn't this basement make the spaceship kinda bottom-heavy?
  580. KALGAN: Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
  581. CROW: (Kalgan) See, I can throw my laugh.
  582. KALGAN: (more laughing)
  583. MIKE: (maniacal laugh)
  584. CROW: (Kalgan) Come on, gimme your bio notes or I'll get a D. Come on, man!
  585. KALGAN: Third engineer Steve Cadell?
  586. SERVO: Known as "Stinky" to his friends?
  587. KALGAN: You have two choices.
  588. MIKE: Soup or muffin.
  589. KALGAN: Join me, or the deep freeze.
  590. STEVE: I prefer to jump, Kalgan.
  591. CROW: (Steve) By the way, Calgon, we need more of you.
  592. KALGAN: Be my guest.
  593. MIKE: The death of Rick Springfield!
  594. STEVE: (falling scream)
  595. SERVO: (scream) I just wish I had Jesse's giiiiiiiirl!
  596. MIKE: Eugh, he had a mouthful of Starburst!
  597. KALGAN: Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...
  598. CROW: And then they T-P'd him. Nice.
  599. MUSIC: (bumper-- bouncy industrial synth)
  600.  
  601. *MOVIE SEGMENT 4*
  602. 00:32:20
  603.  
  604. SERVO: They have the best mini-golf in the galaxy.
  605. MIKE: Is she raising recycling bins or...?
  606. RYDER: Hi!
  607. CROW: (Ryder) Can I get a spot?
  608. RYDER: You've got a nice place here.
  609. SERVO: (Lea) Well, bite my nice place.
  610. RYDER: Listen, uh, I understand how you feel.
  611. MIKE: That's DOCTOR listen-uh-I-understand-how-you-feel.
  612. LEA: Really? How could you know how I feel?
  613. RYDER: Listen, Lady, I did what I had to do. Don't you think I realize a good man died? A man I respected and loved? Hey, I don't need this!
  614. LEA: Wait.
  615. SERVO: Did they miss a couple of lines here?
  616. LEA: I wasn't aware that you knew him.
  617. RYDER: What difference does it make? He's dead, and there's nothin' we can do about it.
  618. CROW: Now married to an entertainment lawyer in Sherman Oaks.
  619. RYDER: Forget it. I don't need this.
  620. MIKE: (Ryder) This is like when I plateaued on my delts, man.
  621. SERVO: (avuncular) She's a sexy senior citizen.
  622.  
  623. MUSIC: (random electronic club beats)
  624. CROW: Shake it, Ralph Macchio!
  625. SERVO: Eh, Mike, I bet you were really into the Thompson Twins, huh? You were Wang Chung-ing all over the place, huh, huh?
  626. MIKE: Y'know, I hate it when the chaperones start dancing with the kids...
  627. CROW: So, in the future, there is absolutely no shame...
  628. SERVO: (Lea, singsong) Oh, my pantyhose are itchy, pantyhose are itchy, itchy-itchy-itchy, ooh-oh-itchy!
  629. MIKE: Shari Lewis has got it goin' on!
  630. CROW: Oh, mama! Or, grand-mama, I guess...
  631. SERVO: Ugh. Without Metrical, this would not be possible.
  632. MIKE: Damn. I'd rather get a table dance from Trent Lott.
  633. CROW: (Ryder) What is she thinkin'? I'm a weightlifter, come on!
  634. MIKE: This is less subtle than an Annie Sprinkle performance piece.
  635. SERVO: Augh, she's presenting like a mandril!
  636. CROW: (partier) Two-for-one techno drinks, cool!
  637. MIKE: (Lea) Did you see my butt?
  638. SERVO: (Ryder) I don't need this.
  639. LEA: Is a woman allowed to buy a man a drink in your galaxy?
  640. CROW: (Ryder) I guess it's okay...
  641. RYDER: That depends upon the man, now, doesn't it?
  642. LEA: On what?
  643. MIKE: (Ryder) I dunno...
  644. RYDER: On whether or not he wants to accept it.
  645. SERVO: Wow, it's like Nick and Nora Charles.
  646. LEA: I see. You're still angry.
  647. CROW: (Ryder) Checking... duh...
  648. RYDER: Yeah. But I'll get over it.
  649. LEA: You know, the professor taught me everything I know.
  650. MIKE: It took him twenty seconds.
  651. LEA: Can we start again?
  652. RYDER: Yeah, why not? I made a mess of it the first time. David Ryder.
  653. LEA: Lea Jansen. (giggle) Glad to meet you!
  654. RYDER: Nice to meet you.
  655. LEA: Do you like it here?
  656. RYDER: Yeah, it's not bad.
  657. CROW: Bennigan's, 1985.
  658. SERVO: (Lea) I should show my butt to that guy.
  659. LEA: That's odd.
  660. RYDER: What's that?
  661. LEA: I know that woman over there; she works on the bridge.
  662. MIKE: She's got an awesome package, I never noticed that before.
  663. LEA: She's being ushered out.
  664. RYDER: Is there any reason for it?
  665. LEA: I dunno. Looks like she's been arrested.
  666. CROW: She's walking with two Mexican wrestlers.
  667. RYDER: Let's go check it out.
  668. SERVO: It's gotta be better than this.
  669. MIKE: Their dancing has gotten even whiter.
  670.  
  671. 00:35:50
  672. CROW: (Scott) She's got an armadillo down her trousers!
  673. KALGAN: Flight Lieutenant Lemont?
  674. LEMONT: Yes.
  675. SERVO: (Kalgan) Will you sign Sherri's card?
  676. KALGAN: You were speaking with third engineer Steve Cadell.
  677. LEMONT: That is my business.
  678. CROW: (hiss)
  679. KALGAN: But now, I'm making it mine.
  680. SFX: (blaster fire)
  681. MIKE: (Ryder) Well, I always liked the vanilla sports shakes better; maybe it's just me...
  682. SERVO: (Lemont, dying) Tell my wife, I love her...
  683. CROW: (Ryder) Yeah, sometimes I pass out when I do a military after a bench...
  684. RYDER: There they go!
  685. MUSIC: (sting)
  686. MIKE: Herve Villechaise's death car!
  687. RYDER: Let's take this!
  688. MUSIC: (tense strings)
  689. SERVO: Fridge Largemeat!
  690. MIKE: Punt Speedchunk!
  691. CROW: Butch Deadlift!
  692. MIKE: Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!
  693. CROW: Put your helmet on. We'll be reaching speeds of three!
  694. KALGAN: Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
  695. SERVO: Hit the siren! (imitates circus calliope)
  696. KALGAN: Go!
  697. MIKE: Let's see what this Lark can do!
  698. CROW: We need both horsepowers on this thing.
  699. LEA: (yelp)
  700. SERVO: Did they just hit a poodle?
  701. MIKE: It can't go any faster; I'd have to drop the waxing compound!
  702. CROW: Put the top up! PUT THE TOP UP!
  703.  
  704. SERVO: (swingin' Sting) De-do-do-do, de-da-da-da, is all I wanna say to you...
  705. MIKE: (sputter) Hey! Hey, she's dead!
  706. SERVO: Wha? Wait a minute!
  707. MIKE: She died!
  708. SERVO: Wow!
  709. SCOTT: Sir?
  710. CROW: (Scott) I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.
  711. MUSIC: (mysterious synth)
  712. SCOTT: Your report, sir?
  713. COMMANDER: Thank you, Devers.
  714. SERVO: A "D" in Comportment!?
  715. SCOTT: Do you really believe, Sir, that this act of sabotage has got... something to do with our navigational course?
  716. COMMANDER: Yah, I'm convinced. And this proves it. I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.
  717. SCOTT: Helvetica?
  718. MIKE: Oh, I love that font!
  719. SCOTT: The constellation of the Corona Borealis. Pirate territory.
  720. COMMANDER: Precisely.
  721. SCOTT: Sir, we have to find out who's behind this. Do you have any ideas, Commander?
  722. COMMANDER: Yes. You know, Captain...
  723. CROW: I have a whole colony of people living in my beard.
  724. COMMANDER: It's always very dangerous to speculate.
  725. SCOTT: Yes, Sir.
  726. COMMANDER: So it would have to be somebody... on this ship.
  727. SERVO: (gasp) Brilliant!
  728. COMMANDER: Who stands to gain by this?
  729. SCOTT: Who stands to gain?
  730. COMMANDER: That leaves us with what?
  731. MIKE: Exactly squat, Sir.
  732. SCOTT: The flightmaster. The Enforcer.
  733. CROW: Waitress! Wait-- aww, she never sees me.
  734. COMMANDER: Very perilous, for everyone on board. We do not make wild accusations. So we keep this top-classified-secret.
  735. SERVO: Top-Super-Duper-Maxi-Extreme-Ultra-Secret.
  736. WAITRESS: Commander? Someone to see you.
  737. COMMANDER: Check it.
  738. MIKE: Okay, look alive every-- oh, sorry, Susan.
  739. CROW: But, she's dead! She's dead, I just... eh.
  740.  
  741. MUSIC: (action chords)
  742. SERVO: GET OFF THE STAIRMASTER!
  743. CROW: Bold Bigflank!
  744. MIKE: Splint Chesthair!
  745. SERVO: It's Kevorkian!
  746. KEVORKIAN: Yes? Can I help you?
  747. LEA: Yes you can we're looking for the Enforcers' headquarters.
  748. CROW: (Ryder) Duh-yahp!
  749. KEVORKIAN: It really is awfully... lonely here. Can I... show you around?
  750. MIKE: (Bobby "Boris" Pickett) I was just about to do the Monster Mash.
  751. SERVO: Let's see, what did I forget to hide before they came in here?
  752. RYDER: C'mon, let's get the hell out of here!
  753. LEA: Wait, this looks interesting!
  754. MIKE: Here, at the underpants testing ground...
  755. CROW: (Ryder) Whoa, these guys died, lost all their muscle mass, man.
  756. SERVO: (Kevorkian) What?!
  757. KEVORKIAN: Would you care for a... spot of tea?
  758. MIKE: Because, doing so would be very ironic.
  759. RYDER: Well, uh, we're in a bit of a hurry.
  760. SERVO: (Ryder) So we'll take it to go.
  761. LEA: What are all these bodies for?
  762. KEVORKIAN: A personal collection.
  763. LEA: Collection?
  764. KEVORKIAN: Yes. When anyone is under suspicion, they are immediately arrested, tortured, and given a truth drug. When Kalgan is convinced they are of no longer use, he simply has them... ejected! Into space. However, if they seem redeemable, Kalgan... freezes them.
  765. CROW: Ooh! Do they keep well?
  766. LEA: That means all of the Enforcers are corrupt, and Kalgan is running his own personal army here!
  767. KEVORKIAN: That's correct.
  768. RYDER: How many enforcers has Kalgan killed?
  769. KEVORKIAN: To date... thirty-eight.
  770. RYDER: So Kalgan's control of the enforcers is complete, and any of the enforcers that resisted him are dead.
  771. KEVORKIAN: Or frozen.
  772. RYDER: How many enforcers are there?
  773. KEVORKIAN: Just over two hundred.
  774.  
  775. 00:40:46
  776. SERVO: Oh, here comes Lord of the Dance.
  777. KALGAN: The deep freeze!
  778. MIKE: (Ed Grimley) Oh, we're going to the deep freeze, I must say...
  779. KEVORKIAN: Well, thank you for calling. Do call again.
  780. CROW: (Kevorkian) I'm late for Roddy McDowall practice.
  781. LEA: With the population aboard the Southern Sun being so large surely we can do something...
  782. RYDER: It would be a bloodbath.
  783. LEA: Well, if they've broken intergalactic law, that's mutiny. We can call for help.
  784. MIKE: Can not we?
  785. RYDER: Well, it's my guess that Kalgan has already installed scramblers, in the communications computer.
  786. MUSIC: (bumper-- bouncy industrial synth)
  787.  
  788. 00:41:26
  789. CROW: (clears throat) Oh, hey Mike. Uh, I'm a Ballerian.
  790. MIKE: Sure looks that way, doesn't it?
  791. CROW: Yup. I just found out, and, you know, it's weird! It explains so much about me, about who I am, where I came from, what motivates me and such...
  792. MIKE: Well, sure. I mean, you're a Ballerian.
  793. CROW: Yup! Hah. ... Why, don't I look like one?
  794. MIKE: No, sure, you do, yeah.
  795. CROW: I-I mean, I've got to be a Ballerian; otherwise I wouldn't be dressed like this. ... Gosh, am I a Ballerian? Yeah-yeah-yeah, I have to be! Yep, yep, I'm a Ballerian! ... Oh, hell! Am I? I-- no, no-no-no, I am a Ballerian, I am, mm-hmm.
  796.  
  797. PEARL: Guard! Guard, sick man. We need more moisturizer.
  798. BOBO: Hey, Lawgiver, I may have a way for us to get out of here!
  799. PEARL: What!? How?
  800. BOBO: Well, it just so happens that a clever young ape named Bobo just might be able to regurgitate up a key that would undo these locks.
  801. PEARL: Bobo, that's remarkable! You lifted a key off a guard and you smuggled it in your stomach?
  802. BOBO: Well, no, actually. The fact of the matter is that I've swallowed so darned many things over the years, there must be a key down there somewhere that'll work. Now if I can just...
  803. PEARL: Eurgh! Do I want to get free that badly?
  804. BOBO: (gagging) Ah, a comb! Where'd that come from? Oh, that's right: I swallowed a bunch of that blue stuff at the barber's and I got a couple of those in there...
  805. PEARL: Would you just... !?
  806. BOBO: I'm doing it; I'm doing it. (gagging) Oh, a Zippo! Whaddya know. (gagging) A hairpin!
  807. OBSERVER: He swallowed a woman! He swallowed a woman!
  808. BOBO: I did not, Brain Guy! I swallowed a wig.
  809. OBSERVER: Oh.
  810. BOBO: Now let me just see if I can undo this lock here and... yes, yes, I'm free!
  811. PEARL: Oh great, Bobo! Great, great, now listen very carefully. Go get Observer's brain and bring it back here; we'll be out of here in no time!
  812. BOBO: Leave it to "Mr. Stealth," ha-ha! Ook! Oh!
  813. SFX: (footsteps on stone)
  814. BOBO: (giggle)
  815. OBSERVER: I like lettuce!
  816. PEARL: Shut up.
  817. OBSERVER: Okay.
  818. PEARL: Bobo, where's his brain!? What're you doing!?
  819. BOBO: Oh, please! Just give me a little bit of credit. I mean, for crying out loud, I have screwed up so many things in the past, I'd just like an opportunity to redeem myself and... oh.
  820. SFX: (chains rattle)
  821. BOBO: Oh... I was supposed to get Observer's brain, wasn't I? (sigh) And now you're probably mad at me, aren't you? And I suppose you want me to hit myself now, don't you? (grunt) Ow! My hands can't get a good angle and... (grunt) Could I regurgitate up anything to make it up for you?
  822. OBSERVER: I'll take some lettuce if you have any lettuce left.
  823. BOBO: Ah! Coming up! (gagging)
  824.  
  825. CROW: Okay, okay; ask me if I'm a Ballerian, point blank.
  826. MIKE: Um, are you a Ballerian?
  827. CROW: No! Ooh, damn, I'm not! What am I then? Am I just some kind of gauzy fruitcake? Am I just some kind of a gullible freak, who allows the core of his own being to be blown to the four winds? I mean... I guess so, then. And, well, that's what I am, then: a gullible freak. Good, good! Wait, wait, what am I again?
  828. SFX: (Movie Sign buzzer plays throughout)
  829. MIKE: Oh, we've got Movie Sign; figure it out later!
  830. CROW: Aww!
  831.  
  832. *MOVIE SEGMENT 5*
  833. 00:45:03
  834.  
  835. MUSIC: (exciting synth brass)
  836. ENFORCER: (death grunt)
  837. CROW: ... but I look good as a Ballerian...
  838. MIKE: You do, it's just too, eh...
  839. SFX: (blaster fire continues throughout)
  840. CROW: Y'know, Mike, take away all the muscle mass on this Ryder guy, and it's pretty much you.
  841. MIKE: Ah, well... You know, they shouldn't have set their phasers to "miss."
  842. SERVO: A-ha, railing kill!
  843. CROW: No, really; take away his personality and the fact that women are attracted to him, and it's you!
  844. MIKE: Thank you, that's fine for me.
  845. ENFORCER: (scream)
  846. SERVO: He killed Mitch Gaylord!
  847. MIKE: Flint Ironstag!
  848. CROW: Bolt Van derHuge!
  849. SERVO: Whee!
  850. MIKE: (Ed Grimley) This is exciting as exciting can be, I must say...
  851. CROW: (Lea) I've got panty-creep! (grunting)
  852. SFX: (explosion)
  853. MIKE: Methane?
  854. SERVO: Oh, no, the methane! How are they gonna fill their cows?
  855. MIKE: Thick McRunfast!
  856. SERVO: (Kalgan) (growling and grunting)
  857. KALGAN: Forget it. They're headed for the bridge.
  858. SERVO: (Kalgan) My skull's almost out now! (grunting)
  859. KALGAN: Get back to the post. Let's go.
  860. ENFORCER: Move!
  861. CROW: (Kalgan, tenderly) You stay with me, Trent.
  862.  
  863. SHIP: welcome commander jansen. how may i help you
  864. COMMANDER: Open file on...
  865. MIKE: Blitzen.
  866. COMMANDER: ... Ballerian behavior.
  867. SFX: (computer beeps)
  868. SHIP: ballerian behavior. order of high priestesses. non-planet-based practitioners of magic
  869. SERVO: (computer) see. these balls. magic, huh?
  870. MUSIC: (choir ahs)
  871. CROW: (Ballerian) Mosquito! Got it.
  872. MIKE: The Stevie Nicks workout.
  873. BALLERIAN: Commander...
  874. SERVO: (breathy) Have you signed Sherri's card?
  875. BALLERIAN: It is now time, for us to talk.
  876. COMMANDER: You?
  877. BALLERIAN: Yes. I am Jennera, the fifteenth high priestess of the Tripton linneage. The people of the Southern Sun are no longer able to distinguish light from dark. Your people have fallen prey to the powers of darkness. Listen. I speak the truth.
  878. CROW: Actually, she THINKS the truth very loudly.
  879. SERVO: (Commanty Claus) Ho-ho, 'ho.
  880. MIKE: Finally, Christmas comes to Santa!
  881. CROW: Er, Mrs. Kringle and I have an understanding.
  882. SERVO: Er, it's basically over between us...
  883. SFX: (distorted chimes)
  884. MIKE: Want to see me shake like a bowl full of jelly?
  885. CROW: (aroused) Ho-ho-ho, ho, ho-o-o...
  886. SERVO: Someone DID leave a cookie out for me!
  887. MIKE: (awed) I am a right jolly old elf!
  888. COMMANDER: What happened?
  889. BALLERIAN: I have shared with you the way to truth. Now you must use what you have learned to face Kalgan and his evil.
  890. COMMANDER: I will.
  891. CROW: Let me just check you twice, here...
  892.  
  893. COMMANDER: My father and his father before him--
  894. MIKE: -- also taped wool to their faces.
  895. COMMANDER: -- were both reasonable men. I myself have tried to follow in their footsteps. I'm a man who believes in peace, not war. Captain Deevers and I have decided. David,
  896. SERVO: -- you're fired.
  897. COMMANDER: -- if you'll accept, we would like to name you as our new Flight Commander.
  898. MIKE: -- I mean, attendant.
  899. COMMANDER: And we trust and pray you will maintain this as a ship of peace.
  900. CROW: (Ryder) Rockin'!
  901. SCOTT: And we will in due course let all the people know and warn them of Kalgan and his men.
  902. SERVO: (Commander) Yeah, I was gonna say that. Tch.
  903. COMMANDER: Well, David... good luck.
  904. MIKE: We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese!
  905. CROW: I'm gonna go let the Ballerians play under my robe.
  906.  
  907. SFX: (cork pop)
  908. MUSIC: (cheery electronic beats)
  909. SERVO: Hey, Sherri's birthday party! Finally!
  910. MIKE: She's nude! She's totally nude...
  911. CROW: Ah, Lieutenant Waitress.
  912. SERVO: Yep, yep, she's a graduate of MIT, but she still has to serve drinks to men.
  913. MIKE: (Waitress) Okay, that's two bowl-shots and a Pink Squirrel, here...
  914. COMMANDER: Well, David, cheers!
  915. SCOTT: Cheers.
  916. CROW: Buff Drinklots!
  917. SEVO: (Scott) It's real fruit flavah!
  918. RYDER: It's a great honor serving you and your ship, the Southern Sun.
  919. COMMANDER: Here's to you, David!
  920. SCOTT: And happiness?
  921. COMMANDER: Haha, that's what it's all about.
  922. MIKE: Woo-hoo, we got ISO9001 certified!
  923. RYDER: Commander, where's Lea?
  924. CROW: Take that back!
  925. COMMANDER: Lea... Oh, Lea!
  926. SERVO: My grandma-daughter.
  927. COMMANDER: David, I think you'll find her... in her usual place.
  928. MIKE: Hiding from you.
  929. RYDER: Greenhouse. 'Scuse me.
  930. COMMANDER: Yes.
  931. CROW: Ha-ha, he's gonna have SO much sex with your daughter...
  932. COMMANDER: Well, Captain, can you remember when you were that young?
  933. SERVO: I AM that young.
  934. SCOTT: (laughs)
  935. COMMANDER: Damned if I can.
  936. SCOTT: (laughs)
  937.  
  938. MUSIC: (cheesy-romantic synth orchestra)
  939. MIKE: (Lea) Oh, Slab... oh, oh Hunk... oh Flink!
  940. CROW: (Lea) Why do you need that guy over there to spot you?
  941. SERVO: (Ryder) Mmph... thanks, this is really good for my abs.
  942. CROW: She dusted herself with Super Weight Gain Powder to attract him.
  943. MIKE: (Lea) No... ick, no! Wrong! Nope. Nothing. Nothing. Stop-- what? Now what is that? Cut it out. God, no. Not there. Nope. Look, just get off me.
  944. CROW: Hey, you wanna wrap it up, Chunky? There's a tour coming through.
  945.  
  946. SFX: (warbling whirr)
  947. MIKE: Super-intelligent dandilion seeds!
  948. SERVO: Ha, they'll worship anything!
  949. MUSIC: (synth choir ahs)
  950. CROW: Okay, practice your dog-paddle, ladies.
  951. SERVO: I can't get this water out of my ear!
  952. MIKE: I HATE food!
  953. CROW: That's my people.
  954. SERVO: (Enforcer) Uh, can I borrow a cup of sex?
  955. CROW: Man, she makes Shelley Duval look like Shirley Henkle.
  956. ENFORCER: Listen, come on, it'll be all right.
  957. MIKE: (Ballerian) You stupid food-lovers...
  958. CROW: Pantene Pro-V.
  959. MIKE: Glenda Jackson is Kate Moss as Isadora Duncan.
  960. SERVO: (singsong) Red rover, red rover, let Jimmy come over!
  961.  
  962. SERVO: (Blue Danube waltz) Da-da-da, all RIGHT, hmm-hmm, hmm-hmm.
  963.  
  964. ENFORCER1: Why didn't you call me the SECOND they deserted their posts?
  965. CROW: (stoned) Wow, man...
  966. ENFORCER2: The minute they didn't respond, I came to you. I didn't know what else to do.
  967. ENFORCER3: What happened?
  968. MIKE: They rocked us like a hurricane, Sir.
  969. ENFORCER3: Talk to me. What happened?
  970. SFX: (smack)
  971. FLOOR GUY: Huh?
  972. SERVO: SOME happened.
  973. FLOOR GUY: Nothing happened.
  974. CROW: We just talked and looked at glowing balls.
  975. ENFORCER1: Kalgan warned us about these women!
  976. ENFORCER4: Knock it off, Holton. Grab these idiots, take 'em down to refrigeration, and put 'em on ice.
  977. MIKE: Uhm, we're all idiots, Sir.
  978. ENFORCER4: Heads are gonna roll when Kalgan finds out about this.
  979. SERVO: We were just working on some night moves, sir!
  980. CROW: I'm not a Ballerian anymore.
  981. MIKE: Yeah, I saw that.
  982.  
  983. KEVORKIAN: (snoring)
  984. CROW: (old) Come on, Metamucil, work your magic!
  985. KALGON: Is this the man?
  986. MIKE: Why, no, Sir, you the man!
  987. KALGAN: Soften him up.
  988. SERVO: So, Lance Kerwin is their thug.
  989. SFX: (slapstick continues throughout)
  990. FLOOR GUY: (groans throughout)
  991. CROW: What're you doing!? By "soften" I meant moisturize him!
  992. MIKE: He's an artist with a fist.
  993. SERVO: (old) Quiet! Mitch Miller's on!
  994. FLOOR GUY: No! No more! Uwah!!
  995. SFX: (crash)
  996. CROW: Okay, a little more, then.
  997. KALGAN: I don't like people who make mistakes. We're going to put you on ice for a while.
  998. MIKE: On Vanilla Ice!
  999.  
  1000. RANGER: Wait! I want to know what's going on. What's happening with my men?
  1001. BLAKE: What's the matter, Ranger? Afraid you're losing control?
  1002. RANGER: Yes! I'm losing control over my men and over what I'm responsible for!
  1003. BLAKE: Don't be so naive. You want off this ship as much as anybody.
  1004. RANGER: That may be true, but I'm not willing to sacrifice the lives of mmph.
  1005. BLAKE: Look.
  1006. CROW: It's over, Thad.
  1007. BLAKE: Count on Scotteh's (?) plan. We're getting off this ship with the help of the pirates and there's nothing you, or I, or anyone else can do about it.
  1008. MIKE: Bitch.
  1009.  
  1010. MUSIC: (sinister synth strings)
  1011. PIRATE: This is the Altheca pirate fleet. To those on board the Southern Sun, listen carefully.
  1012. SERVO: (rough but genial) Good mornin'!
  1013. PIRATE: You have entered the Alpha Delta restricted zone we have claim on this section of space. Surrender immediately or be blown to astro dust.
  1014. CROW: Tch! Ha! Yeah...
  1015. SFX: (blaster fire)
  1016.  
  1017. MUSIC: (militant synth bass from the opening)
  1018. SFX: (explosion)
  1019. SERVO: A shot of a previous explosion!
  1020.  
  1021. COMMANDER: Red alert! Red alert! We are under fire! We are under fire!
  1022. MIKE: (lady on phone) Okay, gotta go, Gary.
  1023. SHIP: target spaceships in range. prepare to fire mipples.
  1024. SERVO: Fire nipples?
  1025. CROW: That's what he said.
  1026. SHIP: fire one
  1027. SFX: (explosions in space)
  1028. MIKE: Death, death, de-eath!
  1029. SHIP: fire two
  1030. SFX: (more explosions in space)
  1031. SERVO: The Honeymooners!
  1032.  
  1033. SHIP: pirate ship terminated! return to post.
  1034. CROW: God, I love Pac-Man!
  1035.  
  1036. ANNOUNCER: To all on board, congratulations. We have defended the Sun against the latest pirate attack!
  1037. MIKE: There's the nude girl again. They're having the same party!
  1038. ANNOUNCER: But we must now focus on internal problems.
  1039. SERVO: The white Commodores.
  1040. RYDER: May I have your attention please! The officers of the watch, please form three groups. The first group is gonna be responsible for making wepits.
  1041. CROW: Making woppits?
  1042. RYDER: The second group is going to act as soldiers.
  1043. MIKE: Uh, Sir, we were on break...
  1044. RYDER: The third group is responsible for getting food and supplies. I suggest we close off all entries and exits to the engine room. We're going to hold out here, and never let 'em take over the Southern Sun! LET'S GET OUT THERE AND KICK SOME ASS!
  1045. OFFICERS: YEAH!
  1046. SERVO: Trunk Slamchest!
  1047. CROW: Fist Rockbone!
  1048. MIKE: Stump Beefgnaw!
  1049. SERVO: Smash Lampjaw!
  1050.  
  1051. CROW: (Lea) So, you usually see Denise to do your hair, huh?
  1052. MUSIC: (sinister)
  1053. MIKE: (Kalgan) I'd like some mixed flowers for my eunich.
  1054. KALGAN: Lovely spot, isn't it?
  1055. LEA: What are you doing here?
  1056. KALGAN: You're much more attractive with your mouth shut. Bring her to my headquarters at once.
  1057. SERVO: And get her some pants.
  1058. LEA: (grunting)
  1059. MIKE: (Ed Grimley) Oh, she's really struggling, I must say. She's going mental on us! But then again, she isn't.
  1060. SERVO: (Lea, indignant) Don't touch my chin-tuck; it's new!
  1061. KALGAN: Let's go! Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha!
  1062. CROW: (Kalgan) Well, I thought it was funny, anyway.
  1063.  
  1064. COMMANDER: Jason, go get Lea. I want her on the bridge immediately.
  1065. SERVO: It's Lieutenant Commander Jason.
  1066. CROW: Jason.
  1067. BRIDGE GUY: Commander, message coming through on channel sixteen.
  1068. MIKE: (Commander) What've you got for me, Rick Astley?
  1069. KALGAN: Jansen, I've got something to show you.
  1070. CROW: I've got your mother.
  1071. KALGAN: You have twelve hours to surrender the bridge. Otherwise, your daughter will be jettisoned into space.
  1072. SERVO: Eh, no downside.
  1073. COMMANDER: Well, captain?
  1074. SCOTT: Kalgan lives like that, Sir; he lives by the sword!
  1075. MIKE: I thought he lived by the galley?
  1076. SCOTT: He's completely ruthless! There are many people onboard the ship, Sir. We have to fight back.
  1077. SERVO: Oi. 'Struth.
  1078. COMMANDER: Go on.
  1079. SCOTT: Sir, we both know that there's only one man on this ship who's capable of combat.
  1080. SERVO: Too roight.
  1081. SCOTT: Who's had the training physically and mentally.
  1082. COMMANDER: All right.
  1083. CROW: Fetch me my warrior muumuu.
  1084. COMMANDER: We will prepare for battle.
  1085.  
  1086. MUSIC: (tense strings)
  1087. SERVO: The crow stands and applauds as she's helped off-movie...
  1088. MIKE: You animals! How can I do ab crunches in this!?
  1089. KALGAN: Let me introduce you to the high-intensity probing laser. I do have one weakness: pain.
  1090. CROW: And French silk pie!
  1091. KALGAN: Others'. Now, I'm going to use this laser on one of your teeth. It works not unlike... ancient dental equipment. Not that you'd know anything about that.
  1092. SERVO: You're too stupid to learn about dental history.
  1093. LEA: Bastard!
  1094. MIKE: How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!
  1095. KALGAN: Now, about your father's contingency plans?
  1096. LEA: (shriek) YOU BASTARD!
  1097.  
  1098. CROW: (Ryder) I can't believe it! There's a sale on Power Bars! Those things never go on sale, man...
  1099. SFX: (loud metal knock)
  1100. SERVO: Huh. Sounds like you're knockin', Tom. You might need some premium gas!
  1101. MIKE: Do they REALLY need the masks?
  1102. SFX: (punching and grunting)
  1103. CROW: Punch Rockgroin!
  1104. LUCHADOR: (scream)
  1105. ALL: Railling kill!
  1106. CROW: Railling kill, all right!
  1107. SERVO: Must be a very elderly woman with the flu under that costume.
  1108. MIKE: Buck Plankchest!
  1109. CROW: Stomp Chunkman!
  1110. SERVO: Dirk Hardpeck
  1111. MIKE: Rip Steakface!
  1112. CROW: Slate Slabrock!
  1113. SERVO: Crud Bonemeal!
  1114. MUSIC: (action sting)
  1115.  
  1116. LEA: (moan)
  1117. KALGAN: What a shame to burn out these lovely teeth! I WANT THOSE COUNTERMEASURES!
  1118.  
  1119. MIKE: Brick Hardmeat!
  1120. CROW: So, he fits into a suit that was restrictive on a really small man? What the...
  1121.  
  1122. 00:57:17
  1123. SFX: (oddly flatulent computer beep)
  1124. MIKE: What was that sound? Was that you, Servo?
  1125. SERVO: No, mine are quiet.
  1126. SFX: (whirr)
  1127. CROW: Ah, it's the laser that whirrs like a drill.
  1128. MIKE: (Lea) Jusht keep shmiling, don't let'm know it bothersh me...
  1129. KALGAN: (laugh) I don't feel a thing.
  1130. SERVO: I'm an emotionally stunted man.
  1131. KALGAN: (laugh)
  1132. CROW: (MacPhearson) Uh, I had a prophylaxis scheduled...
  1133. MIKE: Could you sign a check so I can go to Office Max?
  1134. KALGAN: Turn it off!
  1135. MUSIC: (militant synth bass)
  1136. SERVO: Does his entrance warrant a DUN DA-DA-DA-DUN DUN?
  1137. CROW: Nope!
  1138. MACPHEARSON: I, uh, see you got the girl.
  1139. KALGAN: I had to let them know we meant business.
  1140. MACPHEARSON: I'd better get back to the engine room before they miss me.
  1141. KALGAN: Oh. I'll take him...
  1142. CROW: (furious) Well, why did he wander down to the engine room in the first place!? JEEZ!
  1143. MUSIC: (bumper-- bouncy industrial synth)
  1144.  
  1145. *MOVIE SEGMENT 6*
  1146. 00:59:18
  1147.  
  1148. SERVO: Damn AOL.
  1149. CROW: Wall-mounted keyboards: it must be The Future!
  1150. JOSEPH: (thick South African accent) Aye, Murray, it's Joseph here!
  1151. MURRAY: (thick Brooklyn accent) Yo, pal!
  1152. JOSEPH: Hey, listen, my monitor's gone off again.
  1153. MURRAY: I'll schedule ya for next week.
  1154. JOSEPH: Well, can't you fix it any sooner?
  1155. MURRAY: We're backed up awready!
  1156. JOSEPH: Okay, whenever you can!
  1157. MURRAY: Anything for you, buddy.
  1158. JOSEPH: Okay, take it easy.
  1159. SERVO: The computer problems of Murray and Joe make for gripping cinema.
  1160.  
  1161. MUSIC: (tense synth bass)
  1162. MIKE: (Ryder) I saw a ghost!
  1163. CROW: Rip Slagcheek!
  1164. SERVO: Punch Sideiron!
  1165. MIKE: Gristle McThornbody!
  1166.  
  1167. LEA: Hey, you! (whisper) Come here.
  1168. CROW: You mean me, or my familiar over there?
  1169. LEA: Yeah, you; come on over...
  1170. SERVO: (wistful) Yes, a man born without a brainstem.
  1171. LEA: (softly) Cloooser.
  1172. ALL: Eugh!
  1173. MIKE: You know, the last eight times this happened, the woman just wanted to get away.
  1174. LEA: Come closer.
  1175. CROW: (Lea) You had a little popcorn on your lip; it was bothering me.
  1176. JOE: Closer... oh yeah...
  1177.  
  1178. SERVO: (Ryder) Yeah, this is just like the time I got lost at Bally's. Wandered onto the tennis courts, couldn't get out.
  1179. MIKE: He's standing right under a toilet outlet there.
  1180. RYDER: (panting)
  1181. CROW: Slate Fistcrunch!
  1182. MIKE: Buff Hardback!
  1183. SERVO: Bob Johnson! oh, wait...
  1184.  
  1185. MIKE: (Joe) You're lucky the smart guard is on vacation this week!
  1186. CROW: Morgan Fairchild and Phil Collins, nooo!
  1187. LEA: Oooooh!
  1188. CROW: (Lea) Oooh, I see a sunken che-est!
  1189. SERVO: (gagging)
  1190. MIKE: (Joe) Please, my breasts are very sensitive.
  1191. JOE: (moan) Oh, yeah.
  1192. LEA: Is the rest of the equipment as good as that?
  1193. JOE: (panting) Let's have a look!
  1194. SERVO: What's he doin', Mike?
  1195. CROW: Yeah.
  1196. MIKE: I don't think you guys need to see this part.
  1197. LEA: Wait! I'll make you a trade: first, your trousers, and then you can see (hiccup) everything!
  1198. CROW: This is supposed to be an ipecac, right?
  1199.  
  1200. MIKE: That's the cast of The Poseidon Adventure coming the other way.
  1201. SFX: (cartoon foley punch)
  1202. SERVO: Jeez, the guy's just coming down to scoop out the cat box...
  1203. MIKE: (Ryder) Look, I'm sorry, whoever you are; I was just getting really frustrated.
  1204.  
  1205. ALL: NO! (whimpering)
  1206. JOE: Okay!
  1207. SERVO: (Joe) That's all I got!
  1208. LEA: My shoe.
  1209. JOE: Your shoe. Shoo-oo!
  1210. MIKE: My god...
  1211. CROW: Yuck.
  1212. JOE: (squeal)
  1213. MIKE: (Joe) Holy cow, that was totally out of left field!
  1214. SERVO: Blast Thickneck!
  1215. CROW: Crunch Buttsteak!
  1216. MIKE: Slab Squat-Thrust!
  1217. SERVO: (Ryder) Aww, you loveable trollop...
  1218. SFX: (zip)
  1219. LEA: What took you so long?
  1220. RYDER: I've been busy too. Well, let's get his clothes.
  1221. MUSIC: (triumphant synth brass)
  1222. CROW: (Joe) Oh, so it's gonna be a three-way! Okay, that's fine, guys...
  1223. SFX: (door swish/whipcrack)
  1224. MIKE: Rawhide!
  1225. SFX: (door swish/whipcrack)
  1226. MIKE: Rawhide!!
  1227. JOE: (scream)
  1228.  
  1229. MUSIC: (tense synth strings)
  1230. SERVO: (Ryder) Come on, I found this place that makes these really healthy shakes.
  1231. RYDER: C'mon, move-move-move, c'mon, move-move!
  1232. CROW: I'm MOVING, bossy boots!
  1233. MIKE: (Lea) C'mon, move-move-move-move-- you see how it feels? Move!
  1234. SERVO: Lump Beefbroth!
  1235. CROW: Move-move-move-move-move!
  1236. MIKE: No, you move!
  1237. CROW: No, you move-move!
  1238. MIKE: No, you move!
  1239. SERVO: Now, move, move! Move one leg, then move the other. Now breathe-breathe! Now make your heart beat! C'mon!
  1240. CROW: You can see right up their jumpsuits! Tee-hee...
  1241. MIKE: (Enforcer) Did you sign Sherri's belated birthday card?
  1242. SERVO: MOVE-mo-- no, don't; wait.
  1243. ENFORCER: (grunt)
  1244. ENFORCER: (scream) HIIII!
  1245. MIKE: HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?
  1246. SFX: (unconvincing foley punch)
  1247. CROW: Ow, my mask!
  1248. RYDER: (whisper) Put this on, okay?
  1249. SERVO: (Lea) But, I just moussed my hair!
  1250. MIKE: These'll make it so we can't see anything.
  1251. RYDER: All right, let's move.
  1252. 01:03:37
  1253. CROW: (muffled)
  1254. SERVO: (muffled)
  1255. MIKE: The boiler room has a receptionist?
  1256. RYDER: All right, let's go!
  1257. SERVO: (Receptionist) ... and have concluded that the boilers have not moved for some time.
  1258. ENFORCER: Hey, you guys, let's see some ID.
  1259. SFX: (late foley punch)
  1260. CROW: Ah, not technically a railling, but the same spirit.
  1261. MIKE: Sure, sure.
  1262. SFX: (punch) (blaster fire)
  1263. MIKE: (Enforcer) Ow, why do you hate my groin so much!?
  1264. CROW: (softly) I don't, Mike.
  1265. MIKE: (softly) That's okay, then.
  1266. RYDER: All right, let's move.
  1267. SERVO: I mean, MOVE-MOVE-MOVE!
  1268.  
  1269. CROW: (Kalgan) Stupid freshman!
  1270. KALGAN: Have you located the girl?
  1271. MIKE: I'll poke my skull out at you!
  1272. KALGAN: Answer me!
  1273. KALGAN: (snarl) I'm surrounded by incompetence! I'm being undermined by my own disciples! You let that space-bitch slip through our fingers! She was our...
  1274. SERVO: Uh... what do you call that?
  1275. KALGAN: Where's that idiot who let her escape?
  1276. ENFORCER: We've got him on ice, Sir.
  1277. KALGAN: Kill him at once!
  1278. ENFORCER: Yes, sir.
  1279. KALGAN: And then tell MacPhearson our plan is operational. Put the entire squad on red alert.
  1280.  
  1281. SFX: (alarm)
  1282. CROW: They woke up the Oak Ridge Boys!
  1283. MIKE: (singing) Elvira! Giddy up, oom poppa oom...
  1284. SFX: (door sequence)
  1285.  
  1286. *HOST SEGMENT 4*
  1287. 01:04:52
  1288.  
  1289. SERVO: Oh, say, that's a nice one! Hmm, wrought iron!
  1290. MIKE: Hey, Servo-- whoa!
  1291. SFX: (clang)
  1292. MIKE: Ow!
  1293. SERVO: Careful there, Mike.
  1294. MIKE: Oh, another one of those things! Servo, do you know anything about this?
  1295. SERVO: Oh, yeah! I just installed a bunch of new safety railings on this ship.
  1296. MIKE: Oh, really? (chuckles) WHY!?
  1297. SERVO: (rattled) Why!? Well, what happens when OSHA stops by and sees everything completely unrailinged, huh? Big fat fines, that's what! But more importantly, Mike, we've got to want to do it for ourselves.
  1298. MIKE: Well, you just can't put raillings up randomly!
  1299. SERVO: You can't?
  1300. MIKE: I mean, there was a railing in front of the door to my room...
  1301. SERVO: Uh-huh...
  1302. MIKE: ... there's an ankle-high railing around the rugs...
  1303. SERVO: Yeah...
  1304. MIKE: ... and there was a railing around the leftover hashbrowns! I mean--
  1305. SFX: (bang)
  1306. MIKE: Ow!
  1307. SERVO: I'd better put a railing around that railing there.
  1308. SFX: (clang)
  1309. CROW: (falling scream)
  1310. SFX: (thud)
  1311. SERVO: Ah, Crow just found the whisper-quiet high-speed spinning spike railing!
  1312. CROW: Yeah, cool!
  1313. SERVO: (chuckle)
  1314. CROW: Ow.
  1315. MIKE: All right, Servo, you've got one hour to get rid of every railing on the ship, okay? One hour! I mean it, all right?
  1316. SERVO: (sputter) For cryin' out loud...
  1317. SFX: (bang)
  1318. MIKE: Whoa!
  1319. SFX: (clatter)
  1320. MIKE: (falling scream continues throughout)
  1321. SERVO: Oh, yeah, Mike, I forgot to tell you that I had some moats put in because it was pretty hard to justify having this many railings without at least having some big heights to have railings in front of! Know what I mean?
  1322. SFX: (crash)
  1323. MIKE: SERVO! (gurgle)
  1324. SERVO: Ah, uh, we'll be right back. Hellooooo?
  1325. MUSIC: (bumper-- bouncy industrial synth)
  1326.  
  1327. *MOVIE SEGMENT 7*
  1328. 01:06:15
  1329.  
  1330. MIKE: Servo, there's a railing around my seat!
  1331. SERVO: You're welcome.
  1332. COMMANDER: Oh, thank god!
  1333. MIKE: (Ryder) Duh, I'm okay, too...
  1334. CROW: Hey, how 'bout some sugar for Sting and Dolph, here?
  1335. RYDER: Commander, we have a problem.
  1336. SERVO: I'm out of Megafuel.
  1337. COMMANDER: Yes, David.
  1338. RYDER: MacPhearson's a traitor.
  1339. LEA: Yes, I saw him with Kalgan at the Enforcers' headquarters.
  1340. COMMANDER: I can't believe... I mean, he could be...
  1341. LEA: Dad! I saw him there today.
  1342. COMMANDER: Today?
  1343. SCOTT: That being the case, this is serious. He knows our codes, he has our weapons...
  1344. COMMANDER: Weapons!
  1345. SCOTT: And, he knows all our counter-measures.
  1346. COMMANDER: I find this unbelievable!
  1347. MIKE: Aw, wake up, Gramps!
  1348. COMMANDER: He's one of my best men! He's my chief engineer!
  1349. RYDER: Commander, if I may say so...
  1350. CROW: ... you need to cut some weight.
  1351. RYDER: Let me do my job.
  1352. SCOTT: I'm coming with you.
  1353. LEA: I'm coming too.
  1354. SERVO: (Commander) I'm not!
  1355. RYDER: Captain, I'd rather do it alone.
  1356. SCOTT: As you please, Dave.
  1357. RYDER: Thank you.
  1358. CROW: You're welcome.
  1359. RYDER: Lea, you stay here. Commander.
  1360. MIKE: There goes a big, brave brick of meat.
  1361.  
  1362. MUSIC: (jangly synth noodling and choir ahs)
  1363. CROW: (infomercial) New squid-in-a-globe!
  1364. SERVO: (Ballerian) This is really hard music to dance to, Cindy.
  1365. MIKE: Lorraine Newman and the Newmanettes!
  1366. BALLERIAN: OnE cAnNoT eScApE oNe'S oWn DeStInY...
  1367. CROW: But, one can delay it indefinitely and have a beer!
  1368.  
  1369. SFX: (klaxons)
  1370. KALGAN: We're going in!
  1371. SERVO: I clogged the toilet, but we're going in!
  1372. MIKE: Aw, they stole the Enterprise's red-alert-sound-thingy.
  1373.  
  1374. CROW: (waiter) Well, eighty-six the pan-seared tuna, you guys; chef says we're all out.
  1375. SERVO: Oh, I'm gonna miss this old... wherever we are.
  1376. MACPHEARSON: (sigh)
  1377. MIKE: Don't get smart with me, ceiling!
  1378. CROW: Touch Rustrod!
  1379. MIKE: Reef Blastbody!
  1380. SERVO: (breathless) Coach has us doing windsprints.
  1381. MUSIC: (more synth choir noodling)
  1382. CROW and Mike: (imitate synth noodling)
  1383. SERVO: Sounds like Kitaro fell asleep on his keyboard.
  1384. MIKE: Big McLargehuge!
  1385. MACPHEARSON: Damn you!
  1386. CROW: So where the hell are these two in relation to each other? I don't...
  1387. RYDER: Sneaky little p**ck
  1388. ENFORCER: Stop right there!
  1389. SERVO: Would you like to sample some Canoe?
  1390. OFFICER: We're being attacked from above! Commander Ryder, we're being attacked from above! The enforcers are-- (scream)
  1391. CROW: Hold on, let me come down and tell you! Be right there.
  1392. SFX: (blaster fire continues throughout)
  1393. MIKE: (Ryder) Ow, jeez, cut it out, you guys!
  1394. CROW: Here's a little free advice for the mutineers: JUST STOP AND AIM, YOU IDIOTS!
  1395. SERVO: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep on missing this slow, giant white thing?
  1396. RYDER: I'm going below!
  1397. KALGAN: After him! MOVE! Cut him off!
  1398. MIKE: Ah, loading up some railing fodder, here...
  1399. CROW: (Enforcer) Uh, my flamethrower's kinda weak here...
  1400. ENFORCER: Let's go, let's go, let's go!
  1401. MIKE: You know, in this movie people don't seem to trust others' ability to move forward.
  1402. SERVO: Yeah.
  1403. CROW: (Laurence Olivier) A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
  1404. BURNING GUY: (screams)
  1405. SERVO: Ooh, someone get me a Zantac, quick!
  1406. MIKE: (dying) Send my mask... to mother... (grunt)
  1407. CROW: (MacPhearson) Stay together, cheeks! Stay together, cheeks!
  1408. SERVO: Well, the rented a pneumatic catapult, and dammit, they're gonna use it.
  1409.  
  1410. COMMANDER: So many good lives wasted.
  1411. MIKE: Not THESE guys' lives, but...
  1412. COMMANDER: War. Always brings out the worst in man. I don't know why. I feel that I've failed.
  1413. CROW: (Lea) You did, Daddy!
  1414. SCOTT: Don't blame yourself. It had to happen. There was no compromise.
  1415. SERVO: Boy, that scene really makes me stop and think... about how much better a root canal would be than this movie!
  1416.  
  1417. MIKE: I think they just borrowed the South High marching band uniforms.
  1418. CROW: So, this takes place at the Anhuiser-Busch brewery, or...?
  1419. MIKE: Ooh, they're having a craft fair!
  1420. MUSIC: (tense synth strings)
  1421. SERVO: Giant toilet seat hanging there...
  1422. CROW: Yeah, handicap accessible-- I don't think so!
  1423. MIKE: (long-suffering) Please don't use those stairs.
  1424. CROW: Please don't shoot us! Okay, well, you won't get a boxed lunch, then.
  1425. MIKE: Y'know, it has to be noted that Captain Santa Claus really is failing here.
  1426. CROW: Absolutely.
  1427. SERVO: (MacPhearson) Ha-ha-ha! You see, I am handy-capable!
  1428. CROW: Ah! The railing contributed to his death there-- that's a railing death.
  1429.  
  1430. MIKE: Smoke Manmuscle!
  1431. SERVO: (Ryder) See? If I hadn't lifted so much, those rays would hurt me.
  1432. CROW: Ooh! He needs a giant Tucks!
  1433. KALGAN: Out of my way, you idiot!
  1434. MIKE: Stupid Buddhist monk, the Vietnam war's been over for hundreds of years!
  1435. SERVO: Well, if there's one thing this movie does well, it's tossing Canadians around.
  1436. MIKE: Canadians?
  1437. SERVO: Come on, Mike, this movie's ripe with the stench of back bacon!
  1438. CROW: Wow, I am on the edge of my seat! I should probably scoot back a little, be more comfortable.
  1439. MIKE: Yeah, you gotta allow room there, just gotta go ahead and move...
  1440. SERVO: (falling scream) I still support the railing system!
  1441. CROW: Hey, Don, can I work-in here?
  1442. MIKE: Wahoo!
  1443. CROW: Whee-hee!
  1444. RYDER: (hoarse)  WE'VE GOTTA GET BACK TO THE ENGINE ROOM!
  1445. MIKE: I'll loosen up the paint! We can scrape later!
  1446. RYDER: (hoarse) LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! BACK TO THE ENGINE ROOM! MOVE! MOOOVE!
  1447. CROW: Does he suddenly have golfball-sized throat nodes, or...?
  1448. MIKE: (MacPhearson) Watch the groin, ow, watch the groin...
  1449. SERVO: It seems to me that randomly blowing up things is NOT a good strategy on a spaceship.
  1450. ALL: (ape noises)
  1451. ENFORCER: Don't waste you're time; you'll never get through there!
  1452. CROW: (Ed Grimley) I must say.
  1453. ENFORCER: That's it! It's over! Let's get out of here.
  1454. MIKE: (Ed Grimley) We're being totally defeated, I must say.
  1455.  
  1456. SERVO: Beat Punchbeef!
  1457. LEA: I'm leaving.
  1458. SCOTT: Lea.
  1459. MIKE: (Scott) You wanna get me some coffee?
  1460. SCOTT: Lea--
  1461. MIKE: Gimme some coffee!
  1462. SCOTT: Lea, come back!
  1463. COMMANDER: Forget it, Devy.
  1464. SERVO: My name's not Debbie!
  1465. COMMANDER: You can't stop love.
  1466.  
  1467. CROW: He must've blown out his knee in an earlier mutiny.
  1468.  
  1469. SERVO: (dripping sarcasm) Oh, THIS is new!
  1470. BALLERIAN: It SaYs In A bAlLeRiAn BoOk ThE uNiVeRsAl TrUtH wIlL aLwAyS pReVaIl. MaCpHeArSoN, yOuR tImE hAs CoMe. YoU aRe ThE fIrSt.
  1471.  
  1472. MIKE: I wonder if it's too late to un-mutiny.
  1473. CROW: (hysterical) Now, that is exciting, Mike! That guy just fell over a railing as he died! Now tell me that isn't a good movie after seeing something like that!
  1474. MIKE: Take it easy...
  1475. CROW: (sobbing)
  1476. MIKE: Hack Blowfist!
  1477. SERVO: (Ryder) Ow! Watch it, Man!
  1478. RYDER: (bizarre yell)
  1479. CROW: Is he all right?
  1480. RYDER: LEA! MACPHEARSON!
  1481. MIKE: THAT'S A REALLY GOOD STRUT SUSPENSION!
  1482. CROW: (singing) Spider-skank, Spider-skank...
  1483. RYDER: (feminine scream)
  1484. CROW: (falsetto) Who took my purse!?
  1485. MIKE: (falsetto scream)
  1486. SERVO: (falsetto scream)
  1487. CROW: Man, I shouldn't have ridden my recumbent bike to work.
  1488. SERVO: Ah, into a nice sitz bath.
  1489. LEA: He's gone into the gas expulsion sump!
  1490. MACPHEARSON: Ryder! It doesn't have to be this way!
  1491. CROW: I love you!
  1492. MACPHEARSON: Think about it! We can work this thing out!
  1493. SERVO: We'll get couples counselling!
  1494. MACPHEARSON: I didn't have anything to do with this!
  1495. MIKE: Sorry, I'm loosening a valve here... what were you saying?
  1496. MACPHEARSON: What are you doing, man?
  1497. LEA: What's that smell? What are you doing?
  1498. CROW: Man, Chunkhead just beefed!
  1499. SERVO: Well, I got the gas fuel going; you guys want burgers?
  1500. MACPHEARSON: (little scream)
  1501. MIKE: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man.
  1502. CROW: Well, I have learned one thing from this movie, Mike: not to sit in our gas expulsion sump. We've got to stop having lunch there.
  1503. SERVO: Indeed.
  1504. MIKE: Good point.
  1505. MUSIC: (bumper-- bouncy industrial synth)
  1506.  
  1507. *MOVIE SEGMENT 8*
  1508. 01:15:26
  1509.  
  1510. RYDER: You should have stayed up on the bridge, safe with your father!
  1511. CROW: (Extra) Hey, guys.
  1512. LEA: The Enforcers are not going to attack again!
  1513. RYDER: Yeah, well, how the hell do you know that:
  1514. MIKE: Let me see, just how big is this guy... oh, nice, impressive!
  1515. LEA: Well, if you'd shut up, I'd tell you! Kalgan's dead! They have no leader. They have no choice but to surrender to my father!
  1516. MIKE: (Extra) Hey, guys, just dropped your reports off.
  1517. LEA: Besides, I thought you would be happy to see me.
  1518. RYDER: Of course I am. But that's not the issue! Your father shoulda stopped you.
  1519. LEA: My father stopped interfering with my life when I was fifteen years old.
  1520. MIKE: (Extra) Hey, again, guys. Just forgot something.
  1521. RYDER: Well I respect your father. He's a good man. I just wish he could control you as well as he does this ship.
  1522. CROW: You mean, have a mutiny on me?
  1523. LEA: Control me? If I hadn't saved you in that engine room...
  1524. RYDER: Oh, come on, I woulda got outta that situation, no problem!
  1525. LEA: Well, that's gratitude.
  1526. MIKE: (Ryder) Gratitude? Stop throwin' your ten-dollar words around!
  1527. RYDER: Well, why did you do it?
  1528. MUSIC: (tender clarinet)
  1529. LEA: Because... oh, never mind! You really are stubborn.
  1530. MIKE: (Ryder) Does that mean I'm cut?
  1531.  
  1532. MUSIC: (opening theme again)
  1533. CROW: (singing along) Music that means-means-means, nothing at all-all-all, ba ba ba boom-boom-boom...
  1534. BALLERIAN: AnD nOw It Is TiMe FoR kAlKaN.
  1535. SERVO: Recommended by top breeders.
  1536.  
  1537. MIKE: He's gearing up for a real intense video game!
  1538. CROW: Oh, man, why is this seat so far forward? Who was drivin' this thing last?
  1539. MIKE: (Ryder) Someone's dropped a jar of Hellman's in aisle seven, I've gotta go clean it up.
  1540. SERVO: (imitates tiny electric motor throughout) Brrrr-put-put-put-put-evil-evil...
  1541. MIKE: Push on, mighty Cushman!
  1542. CROW: Haw! These things are a riot!
  1543. MIKE: Oh, shi-- didn't see ya! My fault! Totally my fault.
  1544. RYDER: (squawk) LEA'RE YOU ALL RIGHT!?
  1545. LEA: Fine...
  1546. RYDER: SON OF A!
  1547. CROW: Damn, I'm losing speed 'cause I'm also trying to buff the floors!
  1548. MIKE: Aw, sorry. You cut me off by the boiler; it just ticked me off.
  1549. SERVO: Y'know, in their silliest moments, the Three Stooges never reached this level of indignity.
  1550. MIKE: Y'know, a lot of people have compared this scene to the climactic chariot scene in Ben-Hur...
  1551. BOTS: Uh-huh...
  1552. MIKE: Yeah, they usually say, "Ben-Hur was really good. This movie totally sucks."
  1553. BOTS: Right, that follows.
  1554. KALGAN: I wish you'd never come here, Ryder!
  1555. CROW: (weenie) Leia, help! Kalgan's chasing me!
  1556. SERVO: Active Seniors' Lifestyle says, "Thumbs up! It will make your heart race, though maybe that's not such a good thing..."
  1557. CROW: Any second, Leia's gonna jump on her big wheel and give chase.
  1558. RYDER: I'm gonna get you, you BASTARD!
  1559. KALGAN: Meddling fool!
  1560. MIKE: What is he, Snidely Whiplash?
  1561. SERVO: You can actually get another three miles an hour on these babies if you take it off the "shag" settings.
  1562. RYDER: LEA, NO!
  1563. CROW: Accursed mountebank!
  1564. RYDER: (hoarse) LEA, GET OUT THE WAY!
  1565. MIKE: Did he use a wire bottlebrush inside his throat before he filmed this scene?
  1566. RYDER: (scream)
  1567. SERVO: Toro! Toro! These things are made by Toro!
  1568. CROW: Still, it's better than Days of Thunder.
  1569. RYDER: LEA, LOOK OUT! NO!
  1570. MIKE: (Kalgan) Aw, this is a riot!
  1571. KALGAN: Take this, you big bitch.
  1572. LEA: (scream)
  1573. KALGAN: Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha!
  1574. SERVO: That's for not knowing anything about ancient dentistry! (cackle)
  1575. RYDER: (squeal) COME ON!
  1576. MIKE: SON OF A-- oh, I forgot to step on the gas, here we go.
  1577. KALGAN: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
  1578. CROW: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ho but anyway...
  1579. RYDER: Bastard! (scream)
  1580. SERVO: Well, anyway, got that out of my system.
  1581. MIKE: Roll Fizzlebeef!
  1582. KALGAN: Noooo! (scream)
  1583. SERVO: Oh, boy.
  1584. MIKE: Wow, big explosion for a tiny electric cart!
  1585. CROW: Yeah, he shouldn't've been carrying that case of cleaning fluid and nitroglycerine and gel-ignite in there...
  1586. SERVE: Plus, he microwaved an egg at the same time!
  1587. MIKE: (Ryder) Finally got some time to lift!
  1588. RYDER: (hoarse) Lea, Lea, you okay?
  1589. CROW: C'MON, MOVE-MOVE-MOVE-MOVE!
  1590. RYDER: Are you okay?
  1591. LEA: Yeah, I'm fine. What happened?
  1592. SERVO: Daaah, otay.
  1593. RYDER: Don't worry about it. Kalgan's gone forever.
  1594. MIKE: I, mean, I guess, anyway.
  1595. RYDER: He's finished.
  1596. SERVO: (Kalgan) A-ha-ha-ha-oh, ow, oh boy.
  1597. LEA: Thank god.
  1598. RYDER: Yeah.
  1599. CROW: Thank my personal trainer!
  1600. RYDER: Let's get out of here.
  1601. MIKE: Now, come on, MOVE-MOVE-MOVE-MOVE!
  1602. SERVO: Not since the Fuzzy Zoeller/Lee Trevino collision of 1974, has there been such a horrible golf cart accident.
  1603. MIKE: I wish we had some marshmallows, y'know? We could stuff them in our eyes and ears and never have to see this stupid movie!
  1604. CROW: (Ryder) Leia, this could be the start of a beautiful alternate-day bulk-up routine.
  1605.  
  1606. NASAL ANNOUNCER: Attention Commander Ryder, stingray patrol ready for takeoff.
  1607. MUSIC: (cheesy romantical synth strings)
  1608. LEA: Won't you miss your flight?
  1609. RYDER: Does that mean you won't marry me?
  1610. SERVO: Huh?
  1611. LEA: Oh, David!
  1612. CROW: (Lea) I think you skipped a line.
  1613. MIKE: (Ryder) Hup-- there we go, got a little bit of a workout in at last.
  1614. CROW: There was a little draft over there; let's make out over here.
  1615. SERVO: They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound porkroast.
  1616.  
  1617. MIKE: Oh, right, yeah, I think Chunkhead's more of a shuttlecraft, if you know what I'm saying.
  1618.  
  1619. SERVO: Ah-ha-ha, good, good; back to the rusting septic system of this FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP.
  1620. MIKE: I hope they spend the last few minutes on the apology.
  1621. SERVO: I heard that there's a tacked on bit of film featuring the Attorney General explaining how you can join in a class-action suit against this movie. There is!
  1622. MIKE: Right, okay, it pans over and Kalgan wakes up and he's not dead--
  1623. SERVO: -- and there's Kalgan and his eyes open--
  1624. CROW: -- okay, and we're all really suprised-- CAN WE JUST MOVE IT ALONG NOW, PEOPLE?
  1625. MIKE: What, is he waiting for his pants to come out of the dryer?
  1626. CROW: (Kalgan) HA-HA-HA-HA-oh, oh, ow, I'm too sore.
  1627. MIKE: Cajun, pan-blackened Kalgan.
  1628. SERVO: Aaand, his eyes open
  1629. CROW: And his eyes open.
  1630. MIKE: His eyes open...
  1631. CROW: His eyes open.
  1632. MIKE: His eyes open.
  1633. CROW: Come on!
  1634. MUSIC: (shocking sting)
  1635. SERVO: (Kalgan) I'm sitting in something wet.
  1636. CROW: (Calgon) Me, take me away!
  1637. MIKE: We don't need more Calgon.
  1638.  
  1639. SERVO: Boo, boo! A retarded jellyfish could make a better movie than this.
  1640. CROW: A severely impaired box turtle with a very busy schedule, just give him a camera for a day, he'd come up with something better than this.
  1641. MUSIC: (godawful '80s electronic ballad)
  1642. MIKE: Music rejected by the band Survivor.
  1643. SINGER: They say, I'm a fool, because I believe,
  1644. SERVO: Yeah?
  1645. SINGER: I know enough,
  1646. SERVO: He knows enough!
  1647. SINGER: To know I can dream...
  1648. SERVO: Me too! I feel like that sometimes too!
  1649. CROW: The lobster-man was played by Guy Pringle!
  1650. MIKE: I wouldn't want to slam a stack of that guy.
  1651. SINGER: My moment is now!
  1652. MUSIC: (drums kick in)
  1653. SERVO: (singing along) She's a maniac, maaaniac on the floor... Don't pay the ferryman! Don't even fix a price! ... Maniac, maaaniac on the floor... Everybody!
  1654. ALL: (singing) Someday, love will find you!
  1655. MIKE: Hey, the Bellerians, all right!
  1656. CROW: (girl) Hi, my name is Jeanet Moltke, I'm a Bellerian; this is my friend Laura Fremont, she's a Bellerian, too...
  1657. SINGER: (pained ballad noises)
  1658. SERVO: You know, it is statistically proven that 78% of white guys can sing like this.
  1659. CROW: Really? Because no one else wants to, of course.
  1660. SINGER: Then maybe I'll flyyyy
  1661. CROW: (singing) Though I highly doubt it!
  1662. SINGER: I'll stay!
  1663. CROW: (singing) I'm staying in my parents' basement 'til I find a job...
  1664. SERVO: Continuity, Beth Wilbraham? Can she be legally arrested now?
  1665. MIKE: Though, they really did have excellent clapping and loading.
  1666. CROW: So, the best boy they could come up with was Fuzzy Skinner!?
  1667. MIKE: Here, hold on, I've got one. (singing) I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can...
  1668. CROW: This band will be appearing at the Bombay Bicycle Club this weekend!
  1669. SERVO: Okay, okay. Be honest Mike, this music kinda really gets your blood going.
  1670. CROW: Yeah, Mike, this is YOUR music done by YOUR people, so I blame you for this entire movie.
  1671. SERVO: Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this, geez.
  1672. MIKE: I hated it too. What are you picking on me for?
  1673. CROW: Well, you were a young guy during the 80's weren't you? I mean this is your world, admit it.
  1674. MUSIC: (Swan Lake-ish synth)
  1675. CROW: Okay, now this. This here is the kinda music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down cold potato skins.
  1676. SERVO: Your attempt to get little Suzie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection, so you sit there all mushy and sentimental reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.
  1677. CROW: Yeah, and maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you, for a second, but then she sees how stinkin' drunk you are and gets disgusted.
  1678. SERVO: And maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by and he takes pity on you, y'know, tries to drive you home and all, but, no, Mike. You wanna swerve home in your cherried out Dodge Charger.
  1679. CROW: You wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, then finally he drops you with one punch and he leaves, and you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band.
  1680. SERVO: You're pathetic.
  1681. CROW: You and your 80's.
  1682. SERVO: Your precious 80's
  1683. CROW: You know, it would've continued to be the 70's if not for you.
  1684. SERVO: Yeah!
  1685. MIKE: All right. All right. That's it. That tears it.
  1686. SFX: (chop-socky noises)
  1687. ALL: (grunts and catcalls)
  1688. CROW: It's go-time, '80s man!
  1689. SERVO: C'mon, c'mon, I'll take ya!
  1690. CROW: Come on, you '80s jerk!
  1691. SERVO: C'mon, Mr. Cool Breeze, huh, huh?
  1692. MIKE: Okay, wait. Wait you guys. Wait, this isn't us, man.
  1693. SERVO: Yes it is, you hair feathering freak!
  1694. CROW: No, no, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other. It won't end! These credits just won't end!!!
  1695. SERVO: It's just like the stupid 80's-- they never ended, either! (sobbing throughout)
  1696. MIKE: No, no! Actually, they did, Tom. There, there, that's okay. See? See? There's the copyright, that means it's over.
  1697. SERVO: I'm sorry, Mike.
  1698. CROW: I'm sorry, Mike.
  1699. MIKE: It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry, too.
  1700. SFX: (door sequence)
  1701.  
  1702. *ENDING SEGMENT*
  1703. 01:26:41
  1704.  
  1705. CROW: (grunting) So, so whaddaya think? Am I buff or what? Am I blue, twisted, cold-rolled steel or what?
  1706. Mike: You sure you've lifted already? You're not planning to lift at some future date or anything like that?
  1707. CROW: Look!
  1708. MIKE: Ah, nope, I see it, I see it, your arm goes along and then there's a little bump there...
  1709. CROW: Nah, there's this little ripped bicep you mean! Poindexter Crow, you're gone! No more the pathetic weenie to be pushed around at will.
  1710. MIKE: Yeah, great... Hey, Cambot, why don't you zoom in there with a macro lens? Maybe we can get a shot of that...
  1711. CROW: You don't need no macro lens, Nelson! I am superbly buff and that's that.
  1712. SERVO: (clears throat) (deep voice) Hey, Mike, can I get a spot over here, man?
  1713. MIKE: Uh, Servo... You're, uh...
  1714. SERVO: (deep voice) Yeah, I know. I've got eight arms and a colossal toches, and all this from one leg press! Heh, I am quite susceptible to bulking up.
  1715. MIKE: Well, maybe you've done enough for one day then there...
  1716. SERVO: (deep voice) Well, probably, but I'm addicted now. If I don't lift, I die... So if I could get a spot over here?
  1717. MIKE: (mimicking Tom's deep voice) Yeah, sure, no problem man. First I gotta talk to Pearl though, alright?
  1718. SERVO: Yo.
  1719. CROW: See, see I was going for tone...
  1720. SFX: (weight lifting machine clank)
  1721. SERVO: (grunting)
  1722.  
  1723. PEARL: Well, Mike, here I am. Chained to a wall with an exceptionally stupid monkey...
  1724. BOBO: Oh, thank you!
  1725. PEARL: ... and a brainless, drooling nitwit.
  1726. OBSERVER: String tastes funny.
  1727. PEARL: Pearl Forrester. "Great life, Pearl! Good job!"
  1728. FLAVIA: (fatuous) Oh, Pearly-girly! I thought I'd come down and remind you that you die at dawn tomorrow. (singsong) You die at dawn tomorrow!
  1729. PEARL: Your breath stinks.
  1730. FLAVIA: Really? Well, hhhI'll be back later to hhhremind you. Buh-bye!
  1731. PEARL: Well, there it is, Mike. I see no way out. Observer is useless without his brain...
  1732. BOBO: W-well, what about my brain?
  1733. PEARL: ... so we die tomorrow.
  1734. BOBO: (defeated sigh)
  1735. PEARL: I guess you guys are free to go.
  1736.  
  1737. CROW: All riiiight!
  1738. SERVO: (ecstatic hooting)
  1739. MIKE: (shushing) Wow, uh... boy, we're happy and all that we can go, but we'd really rather it didn't end this way, I mean, you dying and all... right, guys?
  1740. SERVO: Oh, oh, oh, right. (softly) Yeah! Yes!
  1741. CROW: Yeah-yeah, this is awkward, anyway, uh... (softly) Ha-ha, yeah!
  1742.  
  1743. PEARL: Well, thank you, but... maybe it's all for the best. This gives me my chance to make my peace with... God or... whatever. As I look back on my life, I see that I've been tormenting you for no good reason! And, perhaps even at this late date, whatever power is over us all might see fit to forgive me for all the--
  1744. GUARD: Is this yours? I found it over there.
  1745. OBSERVER: Ah! My brain! (grunt)
  1746. PEARL: Nevermind, Nelson! Hey, Brain Guy, we need... we need some sort of distraction for when Flavia returns. I know! Could you try, like, a fake seduction on her?
  1747. OBSERVER: Oh, no, no, no; I could never seduce a woman, Pearl.
  1748. PEARL: Oh, because you're...
  1749. OBSERVER: Well, I thought you knew? I am completely and utterly... without a body. I have no body.
  1750. PEARL: Well, thank you for coming out with that information.
  1751. OBSERVER: Oh! I know! Let's get Mike down here!
  1752. PEARL: Yes!
  1753. OBSERVER: Here we go.
  1754. SFX: (brain warble) (pop)
  1755. OBSERVER: (triumphant laughter)
  1756. PEARL: Mike, we need you to try, like, a fake seduction on Flavia!
  1757. MIKE: Oh, okay. Well, seducing a beautiful woman-- not my forte. I can maybe give you fifteen to twenty seconds, tops.
  1758. PEARL: That should be good, that's fine...
  1759. MIKE: Longer if she's old or lonely or infirm or blind, something like that...
  1760. BOBO: Would you please, Mike?
  1761. PEARL: Here she comes!
  1762. MIKE: I'm on it, I'm on it, don't worry about it!
  1763. FLAVIA: (singing)
  1764. SFX: (brain warble)
  1765. FLAVIA: You! What are you doing here?
  1766. MIKE: Well, hey, if it isn't Flavia's daughter!
  1767. FLAVIA: What does that... even mean?
  1768. MIKE: (choking) Well, I... I... I guess it just means that... (raspberry) (babbling)
  1769. FLAVIA: What does... yeah, what? What? Come on...
  1770. MIKE: It means that... (weeping)
  1771. SFX: (brain warble)(pop)
  1772. OBSERVER: Ha! Bingo!
  1773. FLAVIA: Well, what in the... Guards! (clap clap) Seize them!
  1774. SFX: (scuffle)
  1775. FLAVIA: Would you stop-- ow, ow! Go!
  1776. RAT: (squeaking)
  1777. BOBO: (ape sounds) Thought I'd just grab this wheel of fontanella! (grunt)
  1778. SFX: (lantern crashes on floor)
  1779. BOBO: Whoopsy! (ape sounds)
  1780. SFX: (fire crackling)
  1781.  
  1782. MUSIC: (MST 3K love theme, orchestral version)
  1783.  
  1784. RYDER: (hilarious scream)
  1785. TINY ELECTRIC CART: (jet engine swoosh)
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