[ <small>Look you've got to hand it to Tony. He has been here almost an entire year and he hasn't made an obnoxious spectacle of himself in any way, really-- not in his usual fashion, anyway. So when he pops up suddenly on every single device, computer screen, and television in Hell you'd better not bitch about it because it could be a lot worse. Ok? Ok. </small>]

Testing, testing. This thing on? Great! Sorry if I caught you all at an awkward moment. Though to be fair, I'm not the one sitting in his Pininfarina Xten office chair watching your every single move in an unnervingly voyeuristic fashion-- beyond tracking your messages, I mean. Some of you have got <i>issues</i>.

[ <small>He's just gonna breeze right past that. </small>]

Anyway, I know you've all been <i>verklempt</i> with worry for me in my absence, but rest assured, I had a <i>splendid</i> vacation with our old pal Beelzebub over at his private Torture-A-Lago. We really got to know each other. And I got to thinking-- it's awfully creative, isn't it? How he knows all of our deepest darkest secrets and shames, and crafts our punishments so they befit the crimes. Genius, really.

But see, I was raised Catholic, and we've got this saying: 'May he who is without sin cast the first stone'. So I thought we could play a little game. I've got here Satan's predictably long list of...indiscretions, let's say, and we can all work together to work out which punishments he has earned. It's only fair, right? And what do you know, I've got Lillith's here too, so we aren't even lacking for gender equality.

And look, this is all hypothetical, all right? I'm not suggesting we enact any mob justice or anything, even though there are more of us than there are of him and plenty of demons who seem to be <i>itching</i> to turn on the guy. It's just for fun! So let's not waste any more time, shall we?