mbaw	19 June, 279AX. 0100 hours. Were it not for the metal furnishing and the massive, white bulkheads covered in red block lettering that screams [EMERGENCY FACILITY - KEEP CLOSED UNLESS PROTOCOL 92 IN EFFECT] out at passing crewmen and soldiers, the medical wards on the Millennium might be able to pass for a civilian hospital. Multiple rooms for patient briefings, designated rooms for special...
	Crembaw	...procedures, offices and stations for nurses and doctors with various specialties, all dot the halls with their standardized, stainless steel entrances.
	Linda_Harris	He'll get over it....right?  Linda's just going to pretend she's not a terribly inconsiderate person, and that she's doing her part to not bitch out of all this by doing this now, rather than later.  And so, nose held high, Linda is going to venture into the medical wards, and look for someone to direct her on where to go.
	Crembaw	The front desk nimbly and efficiently figures out what's available and send for an escort. A nurse in dress fatigues guides Linda Harris to a door labeled [MAJ. NAVIDSON, J. DEPARTMENT HEAD, PSYCH SERVICES]. The man pivots, opens the door for her and gives a sharp salute. "The Department Head will be with you shortly, sir."
	Linda_Harris	will stand beside the door and wait. Trying very hard to just not think about this.
	Crembaw	Some eight minutes later, a man just slightly shorter than Linda, stockily built and red-faced, rounds a corner with a groan and heads toward the door.
	Crembaw	He adjusts his glasses, his combat fatigues, eyes Linda for a moment.
	Crembaw	"Well your first problem's that you're sleepin' with your squadmate."
	Crembaw	He waves a blocky hand toward the door. "Come on, no reason to keep you outside."
	Linda_Harris	will snap off a salute and follow inside, seriously regretting every single action made today now, for sure.
	Crembaw	Inside sits an old, battered desk, laden with neat stacks of medical files and papers, and two large, puffy recliners covered in ancient leather.
	Crembaw	"Do you mind if I turn the heat up?" He grumbles as he shuffles over, his thick grey hair never leaving its age-hardened bun form despite his body's harsh movements.
	Linda_Harris	"I don't mind, sir.", Linda continues to stand at attention until told to do otherwise.
	Crembaw	He fiddles with an ancient space heater, covered all over with cracked and busted plastic. After a while he lets out a satisfied grunt, and takes a seat in one of the chairs. Finally his eyes turn to Linda. He raises an eyebrow.
	Crembaw	"Well, sit."
	Linda_Harris	sits down. And is silent.
	Crembaw	"Hm. Usually, starting with that one gets people flustered enough to let their guard down."
	Crembaw	"...Well, don't just sit there. Can't help you if you don't tell me why you came in."
	Linda_Harris	"Squad's second-LT says I need to get checked out.  So here I am.  I'm sure you'll find plenty reasons in my file for me to be here."
	Crembaw	"Well," He sits upright and heads toward the door, jerks it open. "Thank you for coming in, tonight, then."
	Linda_Harris	Okay, wait.  If she exits that door, it's gonna look real bad.  "Listen.  I ain't good at this kinda thing.  So it's better if you tell me what I need to do.  I ain't tryin' to be disrespectful, sir."
	Linda_Harris	has yet to stand up.
	Crembaw	"Christ above. Okay," He pinches the bridge of his nose and shuts the door, takes his seat once again. He does not sink back into the chair, this time, instead leaning forward and resting his arms on his legs.
	Linda_Harris	will sit there, frown on her face, waiting for whatever he's about to say.
	Crembaw	"Listen. This thing that you're doing - don't pretend like you aren't doing a thing, I can already see it. This defensive, 'if I tell him the fact then that's enough,' thing."
	Crembaw	"What did your squadmates say that got to you so much, that you came to see me, in the middle of the night, after fucking one of them?"
	Linda_Harris	"I respect my second-LT, and he wouldn't stop giving me shit about it, and I figured if I didn't come in, he'd file a report or some shit, because I'm already in trouble for reportin' on Fed shit when I see it."
	Crembaw	"And why did that bother you?"
	Linda_Harris	"It bothers me, because I don't want this to ruin my career.  Also maybe I don't wanna disappoint nobody."
	Crembaw	"Why do you think this would ruin your career?"
	Linda_Harris	takes in a deep breath. "Because if it was enough for some people to consider spyin' on Fed prisoners we freed, because of Fed psychology shit, then it stands to reason I'd also have people lookin' at me. Because I was captured, too."
	Crembaw	"You're scared of Fed psychology."
	Crembaw	"...No, that's not right."
	Crembaw	"You're scared of Feds."
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	Linda_Harris	"No.  That's wrong.", Linda will reply.  "But I look at people that are all messed up by 'em, and it kinda...I dunno.  I don't like it."
	Crembaw	"Because you're afraid you'll end up like them."
	Crembaw	"Or maybe you're not afraid of that chance at all, and *that's* what scares you. Because you don't want to disappoint anybody."
	Linda_Harris	shakes her head. "No, it's not that, either. I'm -different-. Stronger, maybe. Or luckier. But sometimes I feel like I'm still wrapped up in their spiderweb, doing the things they want me to do. Acting like they expect me to act. And I don't like that I doubt myself. Because I do that all the time."
	Crembaw	"Why do you doubt yourself?"
	Linda_Harris	"I didn't do a whole lotta doubting until I got promoted to LT and squad leader over an experienced officer for no reason at all."
	Crembaw	"That makes sense. Don't wanna disappoint anybody, get put in a situation where you can disappoint everybody. But that's not really what I meant."
	Crembaw	"*Why* do you doubt yourself?"
	Linda_Harris	shakes her head. "Don't wanna say."
	Crembaw	He lets out a long sigh, at least seven seconds. "Kid..."
	Linda_Harris	"I'm sorry, but I don't like to think about that stuff.  Is it that important?"
	Crembaw	"Why are you wastin' my fuckin' time, Kid?"
	Crembaw	"Don't get pissy, just answer me. What do you want me to do? Write you a clean bill o' health?"
	Crembaw	"What were you even lookin' to get done, coming here?"
	Crembaw	"Check off the box, get 'em to stop botherin' you?"
	Crembaw	"'Cause now," He scoffs, "Now you basically torpedoed any chance of doin' that."
	Crembaw	"Now I'm not gonna let you leave until you gimme an answer."
	Linda_Harris	stares at the man, stone-faced, until he tells her she can't leave. "I doubt myself, because I can remember seeing everyone I knew and cared about hurt, killed, starved, and raped. Including myself. And I remember how powerless I was. Happy?"
	Crembaw	"Not in the least. But it's a start."
	Crembaw	"So you don't want that to happen again. That's fine. So, do you doubt yourself because you weren't able to stop it?"
	Crembaw	"It's fine if that's the case, I'm just ruling out something more complicated. Like, say, your actions leading directly to their suffering -- your suffering."
	Linda_Harris	shakes her head. "I'm not hiding anything like that. But it's just that I wasn't able to do anything to stop that. I just ran. And then, once I was away from them. I didn't have nobody. I didn't have no useful skills. I wasted a damn year feelin' sorry for myself, then I enlisted. But it didn't make me any better a soldier. I never even shot no-one. Well, maybe one or two
	Linda_Harris	folks, but I don't know. I got into the pilot program. Barely. Then all of a sudden, I'm LT? Even though I've done nothing? Why? It makes it even worse."
	Crembaw	"Oh, shut up. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. But you're hardly the first person to feel like they didn't deserve a promotion."
	Linda_Harris	"No, I mean, I didn't do anything AT ALL.  And there was a perfectly good officer they passed over to give me the spot.  And then he's gotta be all gracious about it, and treat me with kid gloves so I can't even learn or do anything."
	Crembaw	"Stop the presses, the wrong guy got promoted? Call the papers. What a scoop."
	Crembaw	"Sounds to me like you still feel sorry for yourself."
	Crembaw	"Paralysis through guilt. It's not fair you survived when you did nothing, it's not fair you got promoted when you did nothing. Sure seems like the world hates you, doesn't it?"
	Linda_Harris	shakes her head. "No, I'm trying to learn. It just pisses me off. You're supposed to be interested in that kinda stuff, right? Look. The Feds. The way they do things is that they break people. Remove the purpose behind their life. And then they let 'em loose, like that rat fuck Angelo, doing whatever the fuck he's doing, furthering their agenda with wierd-ass psych-zombie
	Linda_Harris	shit. I spoke to a number of their enlisted. And officers and spooks. And I can't shake the feeling that I'm like them, and then everyone in my squad gives me shit, because I don't give a shit whether the feds live or die, while some of them are entertaining the idea of being their friends."
	Linda_Harris	really isn't good at this stonewall thing as she thinks she is, all things considered.
	Crembaw	"Oh, I see. So you have a clear angle of attack, an out. No, it's not my fault they died, it's the Feds who've done it. But you don't really believe that. Not completely."
	Crembaw	"You think you're both complicit. So you see ghosts. Spooks! Creepy-crawly Feddie words at the corners of your mind."
	Crembaw	"They don't even have to come from you. They can come from someone else - someone not a Fed, someone just crazy. And you evict it."
	Crembaw	"If you don't like it, you shut down or send it away. It worked so well last time."
	Crembaw	"And then, there's the squad. Well, can't dare connect with them. You might be crazy!" He gyrates his hands wildly. "So you shut down. You don't want it to happen again. Not now. Not when it's you, and the Feds, who'd be complicit again."
	Crembaw	"Together at last, eh? Bound in guilt over deaths that haven't even happened yet."
	Linda_Harris	"How can I be avoiding connecting with my squad if I'm sleeping with one of 'em, and another is the closest thing I have to a best friend?!", Linda shouts.
	Crembaw	"And there it is."
	Crembaw	"You can't stop yourself. You tell yourself the connections aren't there, but you just don't want them to be. You're scared. Of them. Of yourself. Of being the one that causes them all to die. So you freeze. If you give no order, you can't mess up."
	Linda_Harris	"I don't know HOW to give orders.  I wanna do it, but I can't learn, because it's either in the middle of a fight, or that rat Tony takes the reins outta my hands.  Don't I have plenty of reasons to worry about giving bad orders?"
	Crembaw	He lurches upright, jugular bulging against his aging skin. "Giving no orders *IS* giving bad orders."
	Linda_Harris	"You know, I tried to give orders at first, but nobody listened."
	Crembaw	"Then you didn't try! You gave up on them. You gave up on yourself. That's so much easier, isn't it?"
	Crembaw	"That's the way for it to be so much less your fault."
	Crembaw	"You tried, and they got themselves killed anyway. Not your fault, right?"
	Crembaw	He falls back into his chair, runs a hand under his glasses.
	Crembaw	"And here's the part where you close up. Here's the part where you shut down and scoff at someone who's seen hundreds of people even crazier, fucked up, or stupider than you go on to be competent leaders and soldiers. Forty years of midnight wake-ups and sob stories and funerals. But no, he's just being a prick."
	Crembaw	"OR."
	Crembaw	He sits forward again.
	Crembaw	"You can tell me what you want to do, here."
	Crembaw	"You want to learn to let yourself live, again? That takes time. Time and willpower. Maybe now isn't the right time. I sure as fuckin' hell ain't the right doctor."
	Crembaw	"You want to learn how to give orders?"
	Crembaw	He pauses.
	Crembaw	"Givin' orders takes guts. Lungs. It takes adaptability - not cunning, but change. Something doesn't work, you try something else. And more than anything..."
	Crembaw	"You need to be able to let yourself fall down. Not every order works. Don't lament it. Give a new one."
	Crembaw	"They didn't follow that order. The next one's louder. With insults, because Grayson is a vulgar prick who won't listen."
	Linda_Harris	"....Who the hell's Grayson?"
	Crembaw	"Doesn't matter."
	Linda_Harris	shakes her head. "I'm gonna get better. I know that. I just wish it was easier and that people trusted me to do that."
	Crembaw	"Then what are we doin' here?"
	Linda_Harris	"So you're sayin' that by coming here and listening to my squad, that I've actually done some self-defeating shit by not telling 'em to go fuck themselves. "
	Linda_Harris	"Holy hell."
	Crembaw	"I'm sayin' that you coming here just to get your LT to shut up was stupid."
	Crembaw	"You should have come here because you trust him, and he trusts you."
	Crembaw	"Not to be friends or anythin'. Just that you're both tryin' not to die horribly out here. Just that you'll grab one another if you get shot."
	Linda_Harris	"I thought I trusted him.  Until he told me to come here, and wouldn't let it drop."
	Crembaw	"Then you didn't trust him. You may have trusted him to do the work and prop you up, but you didn't trust *him*."
	Linda_Harris	"It's -complicated-.  We say we trust each other, but he doesn't really trust me to lead the squad, and I can't trust him to let me fuck up and learn."
	Crembaw	"Then, maybe that's what you want."
	Crembaw	"So. Try just telling him. If that don't work, order him. Be more belligerent. Yeah, it sucks for a while. But, someone's gotta be in charge. That don't mean the others' input is worthless, just that the call is with you. It's a shitload of responsibility."
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	Linda_Harris	 "I guess I will.", Linda says quietly.
	Crembaw	"Yeah, fucking up sucks. But if you don't expose yourself to it, you won't learn. It's the one thing they don't tell ya growin' up, kid: almost everything is about gettin' it wrong over and over until you get it right. Gotta learn how to deal with failure, both correcting it and learning from it for the next time."
	Crembaw	"That goes for the both of you. He's gotta learn to let you fail. Otherwise how can he help?"
	Crembaw	He exhales, sits back in his chair. "You know, it's really not dishonorable to cede command. People in CENTCOM might frown at you, but, fuck 'em."
	Crembaw	"On the other hand, I can't blame you at all for wantin' to keep the position."
	Crembaw	"That's basically everythin' I can think of to say. Maybe it was garbage. I'm gettin' too old for this."
	Linda_Harris	"I mean, it's nothin' I don't already know.  I just wanted you to tell me if I was crazy or not, something about Fed Semiotics or some shit."
	Crembaw	He snorts. "The fuck?"
	Crembaw	"No, we went over this."
	Crembaw	"It's just your guilt manifesting as doubt. You're not ~coded~ or whatever."
	Crembaw	"You have severe and somewhat paralyzing survivor's guilt, with an interesting twist of complete conviction that it's not the case."
	Linda_Harris	exhales. Somehow hearing that makes her feel a HELL of a lot better, even if she has started to feel really bad because of the whole Diego thing, too, again. "Can I get some sort of slip of paper saying that?"
	Linda_Harris	"Maybe two or three, so I can shove 'em up some people's asses?"
	Crembaw	"I'm afraid not."
	Crembaw	"Ya got plenty of emotional issues, even if you ain't crazy. But I can give you a slip of paper that says *that*."
	Linda_Harris	exhales. "Fine, no paper, then. I'll just put a boot up their asses or somethin'."
	Crembaw	"That's the way, Kid."
	Crembaw	"I am, however, gonna put this little note here in yer file."
	Crembaw	"Nothin' bad. Just a flag for CENTCOM that you really need t'see a shrink that isn't a huge jackass, once the war's over."
	Crembaw	"Yer not a danger, though, provided you do what we talked about."
	Linda_Harris	"I'm gonna have to do this AGAIN?"
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	Linda_Harris	[21:42] <Linda_Harris> "I'm gonna have to do this AGAIN?"
	Crembaw	"Just -- here! Here." He hands her a slip of paper that she hasn't seen since infantry.
	Crembaw	A prescription for repro-suppressors.
	Linda_Harris	"........"
	Crembaw	"I ain't gonna tell anyone but you really need t'be on these or else it'll be really fuckin' bad for both of you."
	Linda_Harris	"Fine.", she's totally not going to take those pills.
	Crembaw	"I'm serious."
	Crembaw	He stares straight at her.
	Linda_Harris	"We--I'm being careful already."
	Crembaw	"Look, shove that country shit up a cow's ass. You know what's safer than bein' careful? TEMPORARY STERILITY."
	Linda_Harris	"This ain't gonna make me get all gross and juiced up, or give me a man-jaw, is it?"
	Crembaw	"What? Fuckin' -- you were in Infantry, weren't you? It's half the dose, so you won't have suppressed urges, but you won't get pregnant either. No, you won't get a man jaw. Where do people get this shit?"
	Crembaw	"I had a friend who said a girl asked where the ABORTION MACE was, once. Like, Christ."
	Linda_Harris	"Look.  There used to be a guy who'd take the pills from the girls in the squad, and mix 'em up, because he said it had like, man hormone shit in it."
	Linda_Harris	"That's what Infantry's like."
	Crembaw	"Y--" He exhales a long time, breath heavy with faded, distant cries of 'not my corps!'
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	Crembaw	"Visit a shrink when the war's over. Survivor's guilt with paranoid tendencies is hell to live with. They can help it be less shitty."
	Linda_Harris	"I'm not paranoid.  Just worried.  But fine."
	Crembaw	"There's no difference. And believe me, the civvie ones're way more patient than me."
	Linda_Harris	"Can I go?"
	Crembaw	"Please do. Good luck. If anything changes, come see me. I'm obligated by position to offer counsel, regardless of the situation."
	Crembaw	He yawns, slaps Linda's folder closed and stands upright.
	Linda_Harris	"Alright.  And uh.  Thanks, I guess.", Linda walks out, pocketing the piece of paper.
	Crembaw	"Don't lie for my sake, you pretty clearly didn't want to be here."
	Linda_Harris	"Yeah, but you put up with me.", Linda shrugs.
	Crembaw	"It's what I'm paid to do. Good night, and such."
	Linda_Harris	leaves!
	Crembaw	[END]