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bot commands pt2 - shen

a guest Oct 27th, 2015 154 Never
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  1. on *:TEXT:!skunk*:#: {
  2.   .set -u5 %skunk $rand(1,18)
  3.   if (%skunk == 1) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some White Rhino weed }
  4.   if (%skunk == 2) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Blue Cheese weed }
  5.   if (%skunk == 3) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Purple Haze weed }
  6.   if (%skunk == 4) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some White Widow weed }
  7.   if (%skunk == 5) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Romulan weed }
  8.   if (%skunk == 6) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Northern Lights weed }
  9.   if (%skunk == 7) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some AK-47 weed }
  10.   if (%skunk == 8) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Super Lemon Haze }
  11.   if (%skunk == 9) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Blueberry weed }
  12.   if (%skunk == 10) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Train Wreck weed }
  13.   if (%skunk == 11) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Snow White weed }
  14.   if (%skunk == 12) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Buddhas Sister weed }
  15.   if (%skunk == 13) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Crystal weed }
  16.   if (%skunk == 14) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Bubblegum weed }
  17.   if (%skunk == 15) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Jack Herer weed }
  18.   if (%skunk == 16) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Super Skunk }
  19.   if (%skunk == 17) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) a cute little baby skunk! :3 }
  20.   if (%skunk == 18) { describe $chan sprays $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) in the face with a skunk! }
  21. }
  22.  
  23. on *:TEXT:!hash*:#: {
  24.   .set -u5 %hash $rand(1,10)
  25.   if (%hash == 1) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Royal Cream Gold hash }
  26.   if (%hash == 2) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Nepal Polm hash }
  27.   if (%hash == 3) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Zero Zero hash }
  28.   if (%hash == 4) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Temple Ball hash }
  29.   if (%hash == 5) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Sibaha hash }
  30.   if (%hash == 6) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Afghan Gold Seal hash }
  31.   if (%hash == 7) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Moroccan Blonde hash }
  32.   if (%hash == 8) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Moroccan Red hash }
  33.   if (%hash == 9) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Pollen }
  34.   if (%hash == 10) { describe $chan gives $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) some Red Lebanon }
  35. }
  36.  
  37.  
  38. on *:TEXT:!flirt*:#: {
  39.   .set -u5 %flirt $rand(1,13)
  40.   if (%flirt == 1) { describe $chan approaches $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and says "did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" }
  41.   if (%flirt == 2) { describe $chan walks up to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and says "Can you show me to the bakery? Because, I want a Cutiepie like you!" }
  42.   if (%flirt == 3) { describe $chan buys a drink for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and says "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together." }
  43.   if (%flirt == 4) { describe $chan slides up to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and says "If you were a phaser you'd be set on stun mode" }
  44.   if (%flirt == 5) { describe $chan taps $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) on the shoulder and says "Grab your coat, you've pulled" }
  45.   if (%flirt == 6) { describe $chan walks up to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and says "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?" }
  46.   if (%flirt == 7) { describe $chan goes up to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and says "If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don't worry I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas." }
  47.   if (%flirt == 8) { describe $chan walks up to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and asks "Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?" }
  48.   if (%flirt == 9) { describe $chan walks up to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and asks "Are you a parking ticket? Because you've got FINE written all over you." }
  49.   if (%flirt == 10) { describe $chan dances over to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and says "I'm going to dance beside you, if you want to think we're dancing together go ahead" }
  50.   if (%flirt == 11) { describe $chan goes to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and says "Are you a Biotic? Because I can't resist your Pull." }
  51.   if (%flirt == 12) { describe $chan walks up to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and says "I think I forgot to eject a heatsink, cause it sure is getting hot in here." }
  52.   if (%flirt == 13) { describe $chan walks up to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and says "I have reach.... if you have flexibility." }
  53. }
  54.  
  55. on *:TEXT:!hero*:#: {
  56.   .set -u5 %hero $rand(1,7)
  57.   if (%hero == 1) { describe $chan sends out a call to $nick($chan,$rand(1,$nick($chan,0))) $+ -Man to save $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) from danger }
  58.   if (%hero == 2) { describe $chan sends out a call to $nick($chan,$rand(1,$nick($chan,0))) $+ -Woman to save $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) from danger }
  59.   if (%hero == 3) { describe $chan sends out a call to The Inedible $nick($chan,$rand(1,$nick($chan,0))) $+ -Man to save $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) from danger }
  60.   if (%hero == 4) { describe $chan sends out a call to The Amazing Radioactive $nick($chan,$rand(1,$nick($chan,0))) $+ -Man to save $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) from danger }
  61.   if (%hero == 5) { describe $chan sends out a call to The Immovable $nick($chan,$rand(1,$nick($chan,0))) $+ -Man to save $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) from danger }
  62.   if (%hero == 6) { describe $chan sends out a call to The Undeniable $nick($chan,$rand(1,$nick($chan,0))) $+ -Woman to save $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) from danger }
  63.   if (%hero == 7) { describe $chan sends out a call to The $nick($chan,$rand(1,$nick($chan,0))) $+ er to save $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) from danger }
  64.  
  65. }
  66.  
  67. on *:TEXT:!capture*:#: {
  68.   .set -u5 %cap $rand(1,7)
  69.   if (%cap == 1) { describe $chan throws a pokeball and captures $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ mon! }
  70.   if (%cap == 2) { describe $chan throws a pokeball and captures $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ ite! }
  71.   if (%cap == 3) { describe $chan throws a pokeball and captures $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ ini! }
  72.   if (%cap == 4) { describe $chan throws a pokeball to capture $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ mon but it breaks free! }
  73.   if (%cap == 5) { describe $chan throws a pokeball and captures $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ asaur! }
  74.   if (%cap == 6) { describe $chan throws a pokeball and captures $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ izard! }
  75.   if (%cap == 7) { describe $chan throws a pokeball and captures $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ achu! }
  76.  
  77. }
  78.  
  79. on *:TEXT:!breath*:#: {
  80.   .set -u5 %breath $rand(1,7)
  81.   if (%breath == 1) { describe $chan uses Fire Breath to ignite $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and burn them to a crisp }
  82.   if (%breath == 2) { describe $chan uses Ice Breath to freeze $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) solid }
  83.   if (%breath == 3) { describe $chan uses Lightning Breath to shock $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) senseless }
  84.   if (%breath == 4) { describe $chan uses Bad Breath to make $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) feel queasy }
  85.   if (%breath == 5) { describe $chan uses Acid Breath to melt $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) into a puddle of steaming goo }
  86.   if (%breath == 6) { describe $chan uses Poison Breath to gas $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) into a stupor }
  87.   if (%breath == 7) { describe $chan uses Force Breath to knock $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) off the cliff }
  88.  
  89. }
  90.  
  91. on *:TEXT:!namek*:#: {
  92.   .set -u5 %namek $rand(1,4)
  93.   if (%namek == 1) { .msg $chan You are $rand(0,100) $+ % Namekian, $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ !  }
  94.   if (%namek == 2) { .msg $chan You are $rand(0,100) $+ % Slug, $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ ! }
  95.   if (%namek == 3) { .msg $chan You are $rand(0,100) $+ % Yoshi, $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ !  }
  96.   if (%namek == 4) { .msg $chan You are $rand(0,100) $+ % Cucumber, $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ !  }
  97.  
  98. }
  99.  
  100. on *:TEXT:!power*:#: {
  101.   .set -u5 %power $rand(1,6)
  102.   if (%power == 1) { .msg $chan Your Power Level is $rand(0,8999) $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ !  }
  103.   if (%power == 2) { .msg $chan Your Power Level is... Oh my god, it's over 9000 $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ ! }
  104.   if (%power == 3) { .msg $chan Your Power Level is $rand(0,100) Raditz $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ !  }
  105.   if (%power == 4) { .msg $chan Your Power Level is $rand(0,100) Raditz $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ !  }
  106.   if (%power == 5) { .msg $chan Your Power Level is $rand(0,8999) $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ !  }
  107.   if (%power == 6) { .msg $chan Your Power Level is $rand(0,8999) $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) $+ !  }
  108.  
  109. }
  110.  
  111.  
  112. on *:TEXT:!vape*:#: {
  113.   .set -u5 %vape $rand(1,7)
  114.   if (%vape == 1) { describe $chan prepares a Strawberry flavoured Vape for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  115.   if (%vape == 2) { describe $chan prepares a Peach flavoured Vape for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  116.   if (%vape == 3) { describe $chan prepares a Blueberry flavoured Vape for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  117.   if (%vape == 4) { describe $chan prepares a Watermelon flavoured Vape for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  118.   if (%vape == 5) { describe $chan prepares a Vanilla flavoured Vape for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  119.   if (%vape == 6) { describe $chan prepares a Chocolate flavoured Vape for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  120.   if (%vape == 7) { describe $chan prepares a Mint flavoured Vape for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  121.  
  122. }
  123.  
  124. on *:TEXT:!summon*:#: {
  125.   .set -u5 %summ $rand(1,7)
  126.   if (%summ == 1) { describe $chan summons a lust demon to ravage $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  127.   if (%summ == 2) { describe $chan summons NotPotato to make $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) feel bad }
  128.   if (%summ == 3) { describe $chan summons JoePinball to grope $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) fondly }
  129.   if (%summ == 4) { describe $chan summons Cthulhu to make a sacrifice of $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  130.   if (%summ == 5) { describe $chan summons demons to devour $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  131.   if (%summ == 6) { describe $chan summons a Hollow to devour the spirit of $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  132.   if (%summ == 7) { describe $chan collects 7 dragonballs and summons the mighty Shenlong to grant a wish to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  133.  
  134. }
  135.  
  136. on *:TEXT:!abuse*:#: {
  137.   .set -u5 %abuse $rand(1,7)
  138.   if (%abuse == 1) { describe $chan abuses $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) by making them listen to paris hilton sing }
  139.   if (%abuse == 2) { describe $chan abuses $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) by unleashing a rabid ferret down their top }
  140.   if (%abuse == 3) { describe $chan abuses $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) by feeding them to pigs }
  141.   if (%abuse == 4) { describe $chan tickles $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) mercilessly with a long feather }
  142.   if (%abuse == 5) { describe $chan beats $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) vigorously with a wet noodle }
  143.   if (%abuse == 6) { describe $chan hides open tuna cans all around $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and waits for the catastrophe }
  144.   if (%abuse == 7) { describe $chan talks about $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) behind their back with $nick($chan,$rand(1,$nick($chan,0))) }
  145.  
  146. }
  147.  
  148. on *:TEXT:!cake*:#: {
  149.   .set -u5 %kake $rand(1,10)
  150.   if (%kake == 1) { describe $chan makes a large chocolate sponge cake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  151.   if (%kake == 2) { describe $chan makes a large vanilla sponge cake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  152.   if (%kake == 3) { describe $chan makes a large strawberry cheesecake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  153.   if (%kake == 4) { describe $chan makes a large chocolate fudge cake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  154.   if (%kake == 5) { describe $chan makes a large carrot cake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  155.   if (%kake == 6) { describe $chan makes a large coffee & walnut cake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  156.   if (%kake == 7) { describe $chan makes a large fruitcake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  157.   if (%kake == 8) { describe $chan makes a large lemon drizzle cake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  158.   if (%kake == 9) { describe $chan makes a glorious chocolate fudge cake in the shape of the Normandy for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  159.   if (%kake == 10) { describe $chan makes a large Red Velvet cake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  160. }
  161.  
  162.  
  163. on *:TEXT:!sandwich*:#: {
  164.   .set -u5 %sandw $rand(1,14)
  165.   if (%sandw == 1) { describe $chan gives an Egg & Bacon Sandwich to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  166.   if (%sandw == 2) { describe $chan gives an Egg & Sausage Sandwich to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  167.   if (%sandw == 3) { describe $chan gives a Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato Sandwich to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  168.   if (%sandw == 4) { describe $chan gives a Chicken Ceasar Wrap to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  169.   if (%sandw == 5) { describe $chan gives a Tuna Mayonnaise Sandwich to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  170.   if (%sandw == 6) { describe $chan gives a Chicken Salad Sandwich to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  171.   if (%sandw == 7) { describe $chan gives a Ham & Mustard Sandwich to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  172.   if (%sandw == 8) { describe $chan gives a Ham Salad Sandwich to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  173.   if (%sandw == 9) { describe $chan gives a Chicken Tikka Wrap to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  174.   if (%sandw == 10) { describe $chan gives a Roast Beef, Mature Chedder & Horseradish Sauce Sandwich to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  175.   if (%sandw == 11) { describe $chan gives a Shen Special to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) consisting of; Bacon, Egg & Fried bread in the middle, inside two buttered and mayo'd slices of bread. }
  176.   if (%sandw == 12) { describe $chan gives a Bacon & Onion Sandwich to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  177.   if (%sandw == 13) { describe $chan gives a Sausage & Sweet Pepper Sandwich to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  178.   if (%sandw == 14) { describe $chan gives a Cheese & Onion Sandwich to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  179. }
  180.  
  181. on *:TEXT:!shake*:#: {
  182.   .set -u5 %shake $rand(1,9)
  183.   if (%shake == 1) { describe $chan makes a Chocolate milkshake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  184.   if (%shake == 2) { describe $chan makes a Strawberry milkshake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  185.   if (%shake == 3) { describe $chan makes a Banana milkshake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  186.   if (%shake == 4) { describe $chan makes a Mint Choc Chip milkshake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  187.   if (%shake == 5) { describe $chan shakes $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) vigorously }
  188.   if (%shake == 6) { describe $chan shakes the hand of $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  189.   if (%shake == 7) { describe $chan shakes violently while staring at $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  190.   if (%shake == 8) { describe $chan makes a Cookies & Cream milkshake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  191.   if (%shake == 9) { describe $chan makes a Beer milkshake for $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  192. }
  193.  
  194.  
  195. on *:TEXT:!sandvich*:#: {
  196.   .set -u5 %vich $rand(1,3)
  197.   if (%vich == 1) { describe $chan gives a Heavy Special to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) consisting of; Ham, Lettuce, Tomato, Cheese and an Olive on top. }
  198.   if (%vich == 2) { .msg $chan MINE! }
  199.   if (%vich == 3) { .msg $chan My Sandvich!  }
  200.  
  201. }
  202.  
  203. on *:TEXT:!pizza*:#: {
  204.   .set -u5 %pizza $rand(1,10)
  205.   if (%pizza == 1) { describe $chan sends a large Ham & Pineapple Pizza to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  206.   if (%pizza == 2) { describe $chan sends a large Meat Feast Pizza to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  207.   if (%pizza == 3) { describe $chan sends a large Tuna & Anchovies Pizza to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-)  }
  208.   if (%pizza == 4) { describe $chan sends a large Shen Special; Chicken, Bacon, Steak & Pineapple Pizza to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-)  }
  209.   if (%pizza == 5) { describe $chan sends a large Margarita Pizza to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-)  }
  210.   if (%pizza == 6) { describe $chan sends a large Steak, Onion & BBQ Sauce Pizza to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-)  }
  211.   if (%pizza == 7) { describe $chan sends a large Spicy Chicken, Red Peppers & Jalepenos Pizza to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-)  }
  212.   if (%pizza == 8) { describe $chan sends a large Horiaciozhao Special; Dark Olives, Tuna, Mushrooms, Pepperoni & Bacon Pizza to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-)  }
  213.   if (%pizza == 9) { describe $chan sends a large Pepperoni Passion Pizza to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-)  }
  214.   if (%pizza == 10) { describe $chan sends a large Vegetarian Pizza to $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-)  }
  215. }
  216.  
  217. on *:TEXT:!mage*:#: {
  218.   .set -u5 %mage $rand(1,12)
  219.   if (%mage == 1) { describe $chan casts a lightning bolt at $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  220.   if (%mage == 2) { describe $chan casts Power Word: Vomit on $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  221.   if (%mage == 3) { describe $chan summons a demon to ravage $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  222.   if (%mage == 4) { describe $chan casts Fireball at $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) blowing them into fiery little pieces }
  223.   if (%mage == 5) { describe $chan summons an earth elemental to bury $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  224.   if (%mage == 6) { describe $chan conjures Bigbys Clenched Fist to smash $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) into the ground }
  225.   if (%mage == 7) { describe $chan points the Finger Of Death at $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) killing them instantly }
  226.   if (%mage == 8) { describe $chan shoots a Disintergration Ray at $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and turns them into a pile of dust }
  227.   if (%mage == 9) { describe $chan opens up a portal to the Abyssal Plane and throws $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) in }
  228.   if (%mage == 10) { describe $chan sends a horde a squealing demons to terrorize $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  229.   if (%mage == 11) { describe $chan freezes $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) into a solid block of ice and smashes it into pieces with a staff }
  230.   if (%mage == 12) { describe $chan uses a spell of Mind Control on $nick($chan,$rand(1,$nick($chan,0))) and makes them kill $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  231. }
  232.  
  233. //on *:TEXT:*cake*:#: {
  234.   .set -u5 %cake $rand(1,16)
  235.   if (%cake == 1) { .msg $chan The cake is a lie }
  236.   if (%cake == 2) { .msg $chan The cake is a pie }
  237.   if (%cake == 3) { .msg $chan The cake is a spy  }
  238.   if (%cake == 4) { .msg $chan cake? Where? }
  239.   if (%cake == 5) { describe $chan bakes everyone a failcake }
  240.   if (%cake == 6) { describe $chan gives everyone in # a cake with "special ingredients" }
  241.   if (%cake == 7) { .msg $chan The cake is alive }
  242.   if (%cake == 8) { .msg $chan The cake is high }
  243.   if (%cake == 9) { .msg $chan The cake has e-coli  }
  244.   if (%cake == 10) { .msg $chan let them eat cake }
  245.   if (%cake == 11) { .msg $chan The cake has eyes }
  246.   if (%cake == 12) { .msg $chan The cake has a fly }
  247.   if (%cake == 13) { .msg $chan The cake isn't fried  }
  248.   if (%cake == 14) { .msg $chan cake conquers all }
  249.   if (%cake == 15) { .msg $chan the cake is a guy }
  250.   if (%cake == 16) { .msg $chan the cake is all mine }
  251. }
  252.  
  253. on *:TEXT:*caek*:#: {
  254.   .set -u5 %caek $rand(1,3)
  255.   if (%caek == 1) { .msg $chan fool! it's spelt C A K E }
  256.   if (%caek == 2) { .msg $chan i prefer cake }
  257.   if (%caek == 3) { .msg $chan you can't handle the caek  }
  258.  
  259. }
  260.  
  261. on *:TEXT:*government*:#: {
  262.   .set -u5 %government $rand(1,5)
  263.   if (%government == 1) { .msg $chan did someone say 'lying bastards'? }
  264.   if (%government == 2) { .msg $chan vote for freedom of choice }
  265.   if (%government == 3) { .msg $chan the government is a lie  }
  266.   if (%government == 4) { .msg $chan the government is a cake }
  267.   if (%government == 5) { .msg $chan i'd rather talk about cake }
  268.  
  269. }
  270.  
  271. on *:TEXT:!murder*:#: {
  272.   .set -u5 %mur $rand(1,8)
  273.   if (%mur == 1) { describe $chan kills $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) with a shovel in the garden }
  274.   if (%mur == 2) { describe $chan murders $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) with the bible in the library }
  275.   if (%mur == 3) { describe $chan executes $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) gang style with a magnum in front of everyone }
  276.   if (%mur == 4) { describe $chan poisons $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) in the kitchen with some god awful cooking }
  277.   if (%mur == 5) { describe $chan beats $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) to death in the toilet with a plunger }
  278.   if (%mur == 6) { describe $chan murders $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) in the bedroom with a 12" dildo }
  279.   if (%mur == 7) { describe $chan murders $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) with a Cobra Missile to the face }
  280.   if (%mur == 8) { describe $chan murders $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) and blames it on $nick($chan,$rand(1,$nick($chan,0))) }
  281. }
  282.  
  283. on *:TEXT:*^o0^*:#: {
  284.   .set -u5 %^o0^ $rand(1,7)
  285.   if (%^o0^ == 1) { .msg $chan i didn't see a thing }
  286.   if (%^o0^ == 2) { .msg $chan it wasn't me }
  287.   if (%^o0^ == 3) { .msg $chan it was $nick }
  288.   if (%^o0^ == 4) { .msg $chan would you like some cake? }
  289.   if (%^o0^ == 5) { .msg $chan don't speak to me, i'm just a little old bot }
  290.   if (%^o0^ == 6) { .msg $chan yes? how can i help? }
  291.   if (%^o0^ == 7) { .msg $chan i can hear you }
  292. }
  293.  
  294. on *:ACTION:*^o0^*:#: {
  295.   .set -u5 %^o0^ $rand(1,9)
  296.   if (%^o0^ == 1) { .msg $chan i didn't see a thing $nick }
  297.   if (%^o0^ == 2) { .msg $chan it wasn't me $nick }
  298.   if (%^o0^ == 3) { .msg $chan it was $nick }
  299.   if (%^o0^ == 4) { .msg $chan would you like some !cake $nick? }
  300.   if (%^o0^ == 5) { .msg $chan don't touch me $nick, i'm just a little old bot }
  301.   if (%^o0^ == 6) { .msg $chan stop that $nick }
  302.   if (%^o0^ == 7) { .msg $chan leave me alone $nick }
  303.   if (%^o0^ == 8) { describe $chan makes faces at $nick }
  304.   if (%^o0^ == 9) { describe $chan gropes $nick fondly }
  305.  
  306. }
  307.  
  308. //on *:TEXT:*^LordBot^*:#: {
  309.   .set -u5 %^0o^ $rand(1,7)
  310.   if (%^0o^ == 1) { .msg $chan i didn't see a thing }
  311.   if (%^0o^ == 2) { .msg $chan it wasn't me }
  312.   if (%^0o^ == 3) { .msg $chan it was $nick }
  313.   if (%^0o^ == 4) { .msg $chan would you like some cake? }
  314.   if (%^0o^ == 5) { .msg $chan don't speak to me, i'm just a little old bot }
  315.   if (%^o0^ == 6) { .msg $chan yes? how can i help? }
  316.   if (%^o0^ == 7) { .msg $chan i can hear you }
  317.  
  318. }
  319.  
  320. on *:ACTION:*^0o^*:#: {
  321.   .set -u5 %^0o^ $rand(1,9)
  322.   if (%^0o^ == 1) { .msg $chan i didn't see a thing $nick }
  323.   if (%^0o^ == 2) { .msg $chan it wasn't me $nick }
  324.   if (%^0o^ == 3) { .msg $chan it was $nick }
  325.   if (%^0o^ == 4) { .msg $chan would you like some !cake $nick? }
  326.   if (%^0o^ == 5) { .msg $chan don't touch me $nick, i'm just a little old bot }
  327.   if (%^0o^ == 6) { .msg $chan stop that $nick }
  328.   if (%^0o^ == 7) { .msg $chan leave me alone $nick }
  329.   if (%^0o^ == 8) { describe $chan makes faces at $nick }
  330.   if (%^0o^ == 9) { describe $chan gropes $nick fondly }
  331. }
  332.  
  333. on *:TEXT:*no spoon.:#: {
  334.   .set -u5 %spoon $rand(1,5)
  335.   if (%spoon == 1) { .msg $chan no spoon? thank god we have cakes then. }
  336.   if (%spoon == 2) { .msg $chan would you like some cakes instead? }
  337.   if (%spoon == 3) { .msg $chan i have your spoons. }
  338.   if (%spoon == 4) { .msg $chan you can borrow mine. }
  339.   if (%spoon == 5) { .msg $chan only sporks. }
  340. }
  341.  
  342.  
  343. on *:TEXT:this is a test:#: {
  344.   .set -u5 %test $rand(1,5)
  345.   if (%test == 1) { .msg $chan testage! }
  346.   if (%test == 2) { .msg $chan testing testing one two three }
  347.   if (%test == 3) { describe $chan is testing you }
  348.   if (%test == 4) { describe $chan tests everyone for bird flu }
  349.   if (%test == 5) { .msg $chan testing... please wait }
  350.  
  351. }
  352.  
  353. on *:ACTION:*cums*:#: {
  354.   .set -u5 %cums $rand(1,11)
  355.   if (%cums == 1) { .msg $chan thank god i don't have to clean that up }
  356.   if (%cums == 2) { .msg $chan $nick i just cleaned there! }
  357.   if (%cums == 3) { describe $chan gets the tissues out for $nick }
  358.   if (%cums == 4) { describe $chan cleans all the mess up }
  359.   if (%cums == 5) { .msg $chan $nick you dirty bast, you can clean that up! }
  360.   if (%cums == 6) {  }
  361.   if (%cums == 7) {  }
  362.   if (%cums == 8) {  }
  363.   if (%cums == 9) {  }
  364.   if (%cums == 10) {  }
  365.   if (%cums == 11) {  }
  366. }
  367.  
  368. on *:TEXT:*shen sucks*:#: {
  369.   .set -u5 %ssk $rand(1,5)
  370.   if (%ssk == 1) { .msg $chan You wish. }
  371.   if (%ssk == 2) { .msg $chan he only sucks on straws when drinking Liquid Win™ }
  372.   if (%ssk == 3) { .msg $chan he doesn't suck! YOU SUCK! }
  373.   if (%ssk == 4) { describe $chan stands by shen, ready to smite someone. }
  374.   if (%ssk == 5) { .msg $chan shen is awesome incarnate, the king of win. }
  375.  
  376. }
  377.  
  378. on *:TEXT:i win*:#: {
  379.   .set -u5 %iwin $rand(1,5)
  380.   if (%iwin == 1) { .msg $chan you win NOTHING! }
  381.   if (%iwin == 2) { .msg $chan only shen wins ;> }
  382.   if (%iwin == 3) { .msg $chan you couldn't win a game of pong }
  383.   if (%iwin == 4) { describe $chan contacts the judges and gets the win reversed }
  384.   if (%iwin == 5) { .msg $chan you win? playing on your own again eh }
  385.  
  386. }
  387.  
  388. on *:ACTION:*fists*:#: {
  389.   .set -u5 %fists $rand(1,6)
  390.   if (%fists == 1) { .msg $chan Fisted! }
  391.   if (%fists == 2) { .msg $chan Now that's gotta hurt! }
  392.   if (%fists == 3) { describe $chan gets some ice ready }
  393.   if (%fists == 4) { describe $chan hopes you wore gloves }
  394.   if (%fists == 5) { .msg $chan one small fist for man, one giant pain for your behind }
  395.   if (%fists == 6) { .msg $chan Fisted! }
  396. }
  397.  
  398. on *:ACTION:*poks*:#: {
  399.   .set -u5 %pok $rand(1,1)
  400.   if (%pok == 1) { .msg $chan Pokked! }
  401.  
  402. }
  403.  
  404. on *:ACTION:is bored*:#: {
  405.   .set -u5 %bored $rand(1,6)
  406.   if (%bored == 1) { .msg $chan I'll bore a hole in you if you like }
  407.   if (%bored == 2) { .msg $chan go do something then }
  408.   if (%bored == 3) { describe $chan does a little dance }
  409.   if (%bored == 4) { describe $chan claps loudly and waits as the harem enters the room "Entertain us!" }
  410.   if (%bored == 5) { .msg $chan if you're bored, play !trivia if you DARE! }
  411.   if (%bored == 6) { .msg $chan i've got something you can play with... }
  412. }
  413.  
  414. on *:ACTION:*still bored:#: {
  415.   .set -u5 %bord $rand(1,6)
  416.   if (%bord == 1) { .msg $chan I'll bore a hole in you if you like }
  417.   if (%bord == 2) { .msg $chan go do something then }
  418.   if (%bord == 3) { describe $chan does a little dance }
  419.   if (%bord == 4) { describe $chan claps loudly and waits as the harem enters the room "Entertain us!" }
  420.   if (%bord == 5) { .msg $chan if you're bored, play !trivia if you DARE! }
  421.   if (%bord == 6) { .msg $chan i've got something you can play with... }
  422. }
  423.  
  424. //on *:TEXT:\o/:#: {
  425.   .set -u5 %handsup $rand(1,8)
  426.   if (%handsup == 1) { .msg $chan Put your hands down! They'll see you... }
  427.   if (%handsup == 2) { .msg $chan This is a stick-up! gimme all your woot! }
  428.   if (%handsup == 3) {  }
  429.   if (%handsup == 4) {  }
  430.   if (%handsup == 5) {  }
  431.   if (%handsup == 6) {  }
  432.   if (%handsup == 7) {  }
  433.   if (%handsup == 8) {  }
  434. }
  435.  
  436. on *:TEXT:morning:#: {
  437.   .set -u5 %morn $rand(1,11)
  438.   if (%morn == 1) { .msg $chan Good morning to you too. }
  439.   if (%morn == 2) { .msg $chan Morning. }
  440.   if (%morn == 3) { .msg $chan Observant aren't you ;> }
  441.   if (%morn == 4) { describe $chan notices it is indeed morning and hides in a dark corner to escape it. }
  442.   if (%morn == 5) { .msg $chan morning $iif(!$2-,$nick,$2-) }
  443.   if (%morn == 6) {  }
  444.   if (%morn == 7) {  }
  445.   if (%morn == 8) {  }
  446.   if (%morn == 9) {  }
  447.   if (%morn == 10) {  }
  448.   if (%morn == 11) {  }
  449. }
  450.  
  451. on *:TEXT:if at first you don't succeed:#: {
  452.   .set -u5 %fsuc $rand(1,6)
  453.   if (%fsuc == 1) { .msg $chan You Fail. }
  454.   if (%fsuc == 2) { .msg $chan Try, try again }
  455.   if (%fsuc == 3) { .msg $chan destroy all evidence that you tried }
  456.   if (%fsuc == 4) { .msg $chan do it the way your wife told you to }
  457.   if (%fsuc == 5) { .msg $chan Delegate and make it someone elses problem }
  458.   if (%fsuc == 6) { .msg $chan failure may be your style. }
  459. }
  460.  
  461. on *:TEXT:^o0^:#: {
  462.   .set -u5 %^o0^ $rand(1,7)
  463.   if (%^o0^ == 1) { .msg $chan i didn't see a thing }
  464.   if (%^o0^ == 2) { .msg $chan wassup? }
  465.   if (%^o0^ == 3) { .msg $chan what? }
  466.   if (%^o0^ == 4) { .msg $chan would you like some cake? }
  467.   if (%^o0^ == 5) { .msg $chan don't speak to me, i'm just a little old bot }
  468.   if (%^o0^ == 6) { .msg $chan yes? how can i help? }
  469.   if (%^o0^ == 7) { .msg $chan $nick }
  470. }
  471.  
  472. on *:TEXT:^0o^:#: {
  473.   .set -u5 %^0o^ $rand(1,7)
  474.   if (%^0o^ == 1) { .msg $chan i didn't see a thing }
  475.   if (%^0o^ == 2) { .msg $chan wassup? }
  476.   if (%^0o^ == 3) { .msg $chan what? }
  477.   if (%^0o^ == 4) { .msg $chan would you like some cake? }
  478.   if (%^0o^ == 5) { .msg $chan don't speak to me, i'm just a little old bot }
  479.   if (%^0o^ == 6) { .msg $chan yes? how can i help? }
  480.   if (%^0o^ == 7) { .msg $chan $nick }
  481. }
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