One Piece Starter's Guide

So since things started happening in One Piece, people started asking questions about the hows and whys and the fucks of the series.
I decided I'm going to answer the questions I saw the most along with some general shit. I've read every single chapter and all the SBS.
>WHAT THE FUCK WHY CAN THE DEER TALK AND TURN BIG
Chopper, the crews Doctor ate the Human-Human Fruit. He has human intelligence and can speak human languages. He can shift into human/reindeer hybrid forms, which is why he is sometimes small and sometimes large. He used his medicinal skills to create Rumble Balls, which amplify his Zoan abilities and give him new forms when eaten.
>WHY THE HELL CAN THE DARK HAIRED WOMAN SPAWN ARMS
Nico Robin, the crews Archaeologist ate the Flower-Flower Fruit. She can "sprout" pieces of her body onto surfaces. YES THIS INCLUDES TITS
>WHY THE FUCK DO THEY EVEN NEED AN ARCHAEOLOGIST
They don't. She guilt tripped herself on board after Alabasta. She was originally a villain working for the arc boss BUT WE SKIPPED DAT ARC. However she does have the power to read Poneglyphs which basically means she can make the endgame plot go forward
>THERE ARE FISHMAN IN THIS SERIES? AND WHAT'S FISHMAN KARATE
Yeah we skipped that arc too. Pretty early on there was an arc (Arlong Park) were the villains are Fishmen and GYOJIN KOORATEH was introduced. And yes, only Fishman can use it - it utilizes Fishmen's strength and speed underwater and appendages like fins and teeth. We were supposed to see the Fishman Dojo on Fishman Island BUT ODA FORGOT
>WHAT'S UP WITH THAT GORILLA DUDE IN FOXY'S CREW
He's human. The Grand Line produces all kinds of weird irregularities in people. At least that's what Oda says so he can have his wacky designs and Amazon Island.
>WHY DOES USOPP USE A SLINGSHOT
Nobody expects a slingshot to be able to shoot specialized ammo, you already fell for his ruse
>WHY IS USOPP'S NOSE SO LONG
Because he is a Liar. Oda is a genius.
>WHY DOES ZORO USE THREE SWORDS
He used to fight with two swords against his rival/waifu when they were kids but she died falling down the stairs like an idiot so he took her sword and now he uses three.
>WHY DOES SANJI ONLY USE KICKS
He's a chef, he can't damage his precious hands.
>WHY CAN LUFFY STRETCH
Fuck off and watch the 4Kids opening again
>IF LUFFY IS A PIRATE THEN HOWCOME HE DOESN'T RAPE AND PILLAGE AND MURDER
Because he's in it for the adventure. There are pirates like Kidd, Caribou and Doflamingo that do that kind of stuff. Luffy (and Nami) do steal though.
>FUCKING DEVIL FRUITS HOW DO THEY WORK
Oh boy here we go. I dunno ask Caesar and Vegapunk. But seriously, it's not known to the reader, nor is the apparent source. General answers - You cannot eat two. They have very apparent patterns on the skin. They taste like shit. The second you bite into the Devil Fruit the power is taken and the Devil Fruit becomes useless, although powers do not manifest until later. Only one person can have a power at a time. They reset into the world upon a users death. You CAN tell which power you will receive by the pattern on the fruit. There are three types: Logia, which makes you a certain natural element and intangible (Crocodile, Smoker). Zoan, which allows you to turn into an animal (Chopper). Paramecia, everything in between (Luffy, Robin and Foxy). Water (ANY WATER) saps a Devil Fruit users powers, moving water like rain or waves does not. You have to be Knee Deep for the effect to start. Kairoseki (Sea Stone) has the same effect as water on a Devil Fruit user.
>710 CHAPTERS? 600 EPISODES? 12 MOVIES? I'M NOT FUCKING SUPERMAN HERE
First off: If you care whatsoever about catching up, read the Manga. It's just better. You can get the best scans from the bakabt torrent, this will take up some space. The first chunk of volumes are not the best translated or scanned, and the bakabt torrent is the best of the bunch. If you don't go with that MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT USE NULL SCANS. THEY ARE THE ONE PIECE DUWANG. The manga is much faster than the anime: 19 pages versus 23 minutes. The pacing gets worse continually.
For the anime I really don't give a shit if you stream, nobody is expecting you to download hundreds of episodes, nobody has that kind of download speed or space to spare and the anime isn't impressive looking anyway. The anime is at least decently subtitled, but the pacing is pretty awful and only gets worse. You can find the anime by just Googling.
Like I said: Twelve Movies. Of course, not all of them are worth watching but I will run them down.
1: One Piece: The Movie. This takes place so early Sanji hasn't joined yet. The Strawhats fight pirate Dovahkiin. It's not very noteworthy other than being the first and only 50 minutes long.
2: Clockwork Island Adventure. Takes place after Sanji has joined. I actually like this one. It's really silly and Nami gets kidnapped because that's her job in the movies.
3: Chopper's Kingdom on the Island of Strange Animals. This is a cash-in on Chopper's super kawaii-ness. Vivi isn't even in it and that makes no sense chronologically but the movies aren't canon anyways.
4: Dead End Adventure. Takes place after Robin joins. This one is pretty good also, the fight against the main bad guy is pretty great.
5. The Cursed Holy Sword. Takes place after Movie 4. Zoro centric. Didn't like it much. Watch if you want to see Zoro and Sanji fight for real and enjoy swords, lots of swords.
6. Baron Omatsuri and the Secret Island. This is a weird fucking movie, but it's probably the best. It's done by a different director entirely so it's animated in a different style. Everything about it is great. Even people who don't like One Piece, or have never even seen it can like it. Watch this if you're going to watch a One Piece move.
7. The Giant Mechanical Soldier of Karakuri. Takes place before Water 7. This is that movie were Nami and Robin's tits jiggle every second, I guess there's that. Other than that there is a giant turtle island robot.
8. Episode of Alabasta. Alabasta arc recap in movie form, with some things taken out for time constraints. It's ok I guess.
9. Episode of Chopper Plus: Bloom in Winter, Miracle Sakura. MORE CHOPPER CUTENESS. Drum Island Recap except a future crewmember is there. Basically "What if Drum Island happened after Water 7". Awesome fights, though. No, the Episodes are not better for catching up then the Manga.
10. STRONG WORLD. Takes place after Thriller Bark (WAY LATER.)This one is actually canon, kind of. The bad guy is in the manga, it was written, storyboarded, designed by Oda and it DOESN'T SUCK. Kickass designs, watch if you're a fan.
11. 3D Strawhat Chase. It's shit.
12. Film Z. ZETTO ZETTO ZETTO ZETTO ZETTO Takes place after The Timeskip. Oda was also heavily involved with this. Speaking from a One Piece standpoint, this is the best movie (take note, when the creator is involved in his works it turns out better). The other One Piece movies focus on fighting or how cute Chopper is. This one focuses on making you sad as fuck. Watch this if you're a fan.
tl;dr watch Movie 6, 10, 12 and fuck Movie 11
>WHAT DID I MISS
Short summary, read this if you don't care about spoilers or anything. The first couple of arcs (episodes 1-61)are not that exciting. Luffy gathers up the first four members of his crew (Zoro, Nami, Usopp and Sanji) while fighting run of the mill pirates. He fights a fat lady with an iron club, a clown pirate with a hot temper, a retired pirate looking to wipe his bounty by faking his death, a dishonorable pirate with a huge fleet on a floating restaurant while Zoro fights the number one swordsman (loses hard), and then Arlong Park with the fishmen. Arlong Park is really where the series hits its stride, before that it's only meh.
After that they go to Loguetown at the beginning of the Grand Line and Luffy meets his enemy for life Captain Smoker, a marine who can turn into Smoke using his Logia Devil Fruit. Shit happens, Luffy is almost executed by that clown from before, the biggest criminal in world shows up (Dragon), and they end up getting away from Smoker and setting sail for the Grand Line. On the way they find a princess named Vivi and her bodyguard infiltrating a secret operation called Baroque Works led by a Shichibukai, 7 powerful Pirates and feared granted protection under the World Government for joining them as privateers. Baroque Works wants to overthrow her desert kingdom and she's trying to stop it. They end up helping her beat Crocodile, the leader through a long string of arcs (referred to as Alabasta or Baroque Works Saga most of the time) and that's where the plot is for episodes 62-139.
After this they part ways with Vivi (after gaining Chopper and Robin as crewmembers) they end up at Jaya and learn about a country supposedly in the sky. Luffy finds this hype as shit so he decides to go there but only after knocking the shit out of a guy named Bellamy who has a Spring Devil Fruit (this was the guy who was "KILLED" by the pink fluffy coat guy, Doflamingo - another Shichibukai- in the first premiere episode.) He also meets Blackbeard and they argue about pie. Luffy and his crew get shot up into the sky via Knock-Up Stream and quickly find that people in the sky are assholes. They get involved in a civil war between two different Sky Island Peoples, there's a tearjerking flashback, and LUFFY KNOCKS OUT A MAN MADE OF LIGHTNING WITH A GOD COMPLEX IN A FISTFIGHT. This is why in the premiere episode they were in the sky with an octopus attached to the ship. Some people don't like this arc and those people obviously don't enjoy a man's romance (not the gay kind). That's the Skypiea Saga, episodes 144-195. Then there is filler between there and Davy Back.
tl;dr They sailed East Blue, entered the Grand Line, went to the desert and into the sky and are in Long Ring Long Land now.