Paladin Teacher: Chapter 3

>A catgirl got stuck in the top of a dryad the other day
>Dryad wouldn't let her down because the cat kept scratching at her roots
>Catgirl was scared shitless, screaming for help
>It was up to me to get the catgirl down
>I was enjoying my lunch, and now I have to do this shit
>Threaten dryad with cutting by waving my axe at her
>She finally agrees to let the cat down, but I have to get her myself
>Fuck
>Have to climb the dryad, listening to her moan and whimper
>Shut the fuck up or I'll burn you down
>Finally get to the top
>Grab cat by the scruff of her neck, toss her over my shoulders amd carry her down
>Good thing I can't feel her tits rubbing against me through my armor
>She's still shaking once we get down, won't leave my side
>Have to spend the rest of recess giving her headpats
>Fucking mamono

>Birthday time!
>I made myself a cake
>Spend all day sharpening and oiling my gear
>Fix my armor
>New helmet from my blacksmith buddy
>It's better than the last one
>Suddenly knock on the door
>It's an angel
>She says she's here to give me my heavenly reward
>A few years before I might have been excited, now I'm just suspicious
>Tell her I'd like to accept, but my earthly duties are not yet finished, a lot of people depend on me
>I'm referring to other paladins on /paladin/, but she doesn't need to know that
>She gasps, blushes, and leaves in a hurry
>The next day
>I'm being followed by three angels and six valkyries for being such a noble person
>Fucking mamono leave me alone

>Turns out my recent victory over the Jinko inspired the salamanders and lizardgirls
>They have formed a militia
>No, a holy army!
>Consisting of seven lizards and five salamanders
>It's kinda pathetic, in a heartwarming sort of way
>They ask me to be their general
>I would if I could, but contract says I can't accept more than one squire until my sentence is done
>They are all depressed, they spent their entire weekend on making their costumes
>Contract says nothing about appointing my squire as general, and he has to follow my orders anyway
>Morale_restored.buff
>Recruit some vampires to serve as assassins, and the centaur from before
>I have my own army now

>Police time
>And boy is ms. Police out to get me this time
>I guess she's still angry I crashed her wedding
>With a supercharged bulldoser going downhill
>Fucking minotaurs aren't human, were it up to me, I'd chase all mamono out
>Shes drilling me to find something I'm guilty at
>I got rid of all my bully material a week before, she's got nothing on me
>I'm colder than an iceberg
>She interviews the students
>Squire's up first
>He's flexing his muscles, explaining how I helped him become a better man
>Salamanders and Lizards up next
>They started a HEMA group inspired by me
>Centaur backs them up
>Ice themed mamonos don't want to lose their cool (heh) teacher
>Random woman comes to school, says I healed her deadly disease
>Who the fuck are you?
>The catgirl I rescued adores me
>The jinko loves me
>The onis are desperate to keep me, one of them wants to major in history and needs me for research material
>shut up im not crying youre crying
>Angels burst in through the window and starts singing my praises
>Literally singing, fucking gregorian chanting up in this bitch
>There's glass everywhere
>The valkyries have joined the HEMA group, along with a couple of elves as archers
>fml
>Ms. Police angrily asks me if I have anything to add to what my adoring stude nts have said
<Ah thing Ahll gondindu deadshing dem
>Fuck, I'm bawling
>Fuck, the girls are Awww'ing
>Fuck the boys are rawling!
>I can feel my manliness shrinking in shame
>Police lets me go, Ms Poli-taur does the I'm keeping my eyes on you motion
>Order everybody back to class and to leave me alone, I have to clean snot out of my helmet

>There's a depressed Cancer in my school (yeah, I'd be fucking depressed if I was cancer too, oh lawdy)
>Find her blowing bubbles alone by the drinking fountain
>Angrily tickle her armpits like there's no tomorrow
>She can't stop scream-laughing, flailing her arms and legs
>"ARE YOU FEELING IT NOW, MISSUS CRABS??"
>She begs for mercy, but I will not relent
>Exhausted, Cancer is no longer depressed

>Little kikimora is sad because shoggots keep one-upping her
>Can't fight back, because what can a mortal do to eldritch abomimations
>Ponder about her predicament for a while
>Tell there will always be guys who prefer flesh and meat over having their minds corroded
>Oh, sure, a shoggot can be anything, but she will never experience the true love of having a child, and she will outlive her husband by at least a couple of aeons
>Kikis and their husbands have to actually work hard to get what they want
>Kiki is determined
>Tell her to do some situps, no guy has ever said no to a fit babe
>Ruffle her feathers and wish 'Lil' featherduster' good luck

>Later, get called to Headmaster's office
>Featherduster's angry mother is there
>Apparently, calling a kikimora for a featherduster is like calling a nigger a porch monkey
>Lady, I call p'orcs bacon and emergency rations all the time, and I certainly don't give a shit about something as harmless as 'featherduster'
>Maybe try and take the term back?

>Later, in the news
>Kikis have taken back the term featherduster, Shoggots despair as they lose their most potent insult
>There's also a kiki biker gang going about illegally cleaning residenses
>Bar my door and scratch some holy symbols on the handle in case of shoggots