billy mays love letter

There's many parts on your body...
But one of them is more thicc...
moist...
and...
semi-permeable than the others.

Hey, this is Hayden, and this is the cytoplasm!
Jiggly to the touch, it keeps all of your organelles in place, like the
[just point to the organelles and say the names]
These are all very important things, and with our enhanced cytoplasm recipe, it keeps your bits and pieces all in place.

-- DO THIS PART LAST JUST IN CASE!!!!!!! --

Even when you're upside down!
[flip it upside down, and pray to every god damn deity in existence that it doesnt fall]

--------------

But wait, there's more!
The cytoplasm is useful in of itself, as well!
It contains various nutrients inside, and water too!
[take a spoon and eat some of the gelatin]
MMMMMMMMMmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMM! I can taste the calcium oxalate, silicon dioxide, startch, glycogen, polyhydroxybutyrate AND MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And all this can be yours for the low, low price of JUST 2 easy payments of the low, low price of 11.99!
All you have to do is call 1-800-519-389-3555!

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! ..again...
If you call 1-800-519-389-3555 in the next 5 minutes, you can get 2 cytoplasms for the same low, low price! That's a value of 4 easy payments of 11.99 for 2 easy payments of 11.99!
Don't hesitate, call... 1-800-519-389-3555 NOW!!!
Once, again, that's 1-800-519-389-3555!

But don't just take my word for it! Here are some words from our satisfied customers!

[black screen]

Don't forget! If you call the phone number 1-800-519-389-3555 in the next 5 minutes, you can get two cytoplasms for the same low, low price of 2 easy payments of the low, low price of 11.99! That's the value of 4 easy payments of 11.99, but it's 2 instead!

warning: product may contain various bacterium and viruses which may be deadly or otherwise harmful to the user: these include:
common cold, chicken pox, influenza, spanish influenza, whooping cough, measles, brainerd's diarrhea, nodding disorder, hepatits b, typhoid fever, the black plague, hepatitis a, syphylis, HIV/AIDS, cancer, alzheimer's.
[gets cut off]